01x04 - Stebe

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Hornsby?

Would you like to hold
your baby boy?

If I must.

Congratulations, sir.
He's beautiful.

Good Lord! What have you done
to this child's ba*ls?!

There's none here!
I've seen enough! Here.

Give it to the woman to hold.
I'm famished!

Fortunately, I packed a lunch tin
of freshly picked horse radishes!

We'll also need you to fill out
a birth certificate, sir.

I will not be burdened
with peasant work.

You do it, peasant.

What's the baby's name, sir?

I don't know. What do people
call their babies these days?

Jonathan? Taylor?
Thomas?

- Theodore?
- Oh, now she speaks.

So kind of you to join us.

What is your query, woman?

What if we name the child Theodore?
Like you.

I am not gifting this child my namesake.
Have you seen its ba*ls?

Name this one...

- Steve. Stebe?
- I said Steve.

Stebe? Like with a "B"?
As in "biscuit"?

Mm. Yes. Name him Stebe with a "B."

It'll serve as a reminder to him
that I couldn't be bothered

with the boring task
of naming this ball-less boy.

Write it down!

Hey there, welcome to Strawbucks.

What can I get started for you today?

Just a plain black coffee
with one plastic straw, please.

You got it. Can I get a name?

- Stebe.
- Steve. Got it.

Ah-ah. No. Heh. Common mistake.

It's actually Stebe with a "B,"
as in "biscuit."

Boy, that's an unusual name.

It... It is truly an unorthodox name.
I will give you that.

Matt, honey, can you get that?

My handsome little man.

g*dd*mn it, Matt.
Do you need your f*cking ears checked?!

Uh...hello?

C-Can I help you?

Abummmdah, abee-namnah-neemagh

Abummmdah, abee-namnah-abummmdah

Abee-namnah-neemagh, neemagh

Abummmdah, abee-namnah-abummmdah

Abee-namnah-neemagh
abummmdah, abee-neemagh

Matt. This is Lars.
My old guitarist from TainT.

Dude, when's the last time I saw you?

Tony T's funeral.

Remember?

We swore that day we'd never
jack hang again.

How could I forget?

I think I lasted like three days.

Three days? What are you, a Mormon?

I was back at it that night.
Get in here, you son of a b*tch.

So he's blown away, right?

He can't believe we let him
on the tour bus.

He was so excited.

So eventually we pull the bus over.

As soon as he steps off the bus
he's like, "What?

What's this? There's no show here."

And we high tail it out of there.

Leave him right in the middle
of the desert.

Wasn't he in a wheelchair?

He was after that night.

I mean, it seems like...

I don't know, seems like
kind of a mean-spirited story.

To be honest.

He wanted the full TainT
experience, Stebe.

It was the kid's final wish.
Were you even listening?

I'm sorry, Theo, who is this guy again?

Ugh. Lars, this is my brother Stebe.

Well, good news, I have an ironing board
in my van if you wanna iron out

those bunched-up panties, Steve.

We have our own ironing board,
thank you very much.

And it's Stebe with a "B."

A "B"? As in "biscuit"?

The hell kinda name is that?

It was supposed to be a "V,"

but my dad couldn't be
bothered to correct it.

He didn't give a sh*t about you, dude.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Whew! Sorry to miss dinner
tonight, everyone.

Been working my fingers
to the bone in the ma'am cave.

Well, well, well.

Theo, you didn't tell me you
had a solid 6 in the family now.

Oooooh-hoo-hoo, Theo, who's this Romeo?

Deb, this is TainT's very own Lars.

Lars, Deb. She's my wife.

Really? What do you do for work, Deb?

I mean, other than put up with this clown?

He's messing with you, dude.
Relax.

Lars, what don't I do?

Aside from being on
the board at Royal Crackers,

I'm in charge of our family's
social media accounts,

Including our increasingly
popular FamGram.

God, it's a dream of mine
to get on FamGram.

But you need a family to join.

Maybe one day.

Awww. Well, I'll tell you,
it's a full-time job.

Getting followers,
Photoshopping our pictures,

coming up with the funniest captions.

Be nice if someone in
this family would lend a hand.

I told you. I'll post when
I have something good to share.

I want my first post
to make a real splash.

I posted a picture on it.

And I deleted it.
Your Warzone character, Matt? Really?

Well, looks like all
my hard work is paying off.

Excuse me, everyone.

What the...

You people think we're not real?

I'll show you motherfuckin' real.

Uhh, Deb, honey, do you think
we could wrap this up?

I don't wanna end up in sunburn city.

Oh, my God, Stebe, it's been five minutes.

We can go back inside as soon as
you look like you're having fun.

What if I put my arms up like this?

Does this help? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What kind of family photos are these
without the matriarch in them?

Get in there, Deb. Lars has got this.

Oh, Lars, I don't wanna inconvenience you.

Oh, stop, Deb. It'll be great.

God, I can't tell you how nice it is
to finally have a partner in this.

Whoa! Have you lost
your g*dd*mn mind, Deb?

Give me a warning before you
throw a freakin' ball at my head, will ya?

Oh, my God. It's just a beach ball.

Okay, do I really need
to explain that if you throw

anything at someone's head
and they don't expect it,

you can cause serious brain damage?

Uhh, hey, Stebe. Can you scoot away
from everyone else for a second?

Actually, I can't, Lars.

Any further in, and I'm in the deep end.

-I'll... I'll drown.
- Ah, it's just your skin.

It's super white.
It's really throwing off the F-stop.

Huh, you know, it might be better
if you're not in the photo.

Wait, Deb, why don't I just replace Stebe?

Look at his face, he's like,
"Wait? What? Lars is replacing me?"

Relax, Stebe. I just mean for the photo.

I guess I could Photoshop

Stebe's face on Lars's rock hard body.

Yeah, Stebe.
You take the photo.

Oh, uh... Okay.

Hey, make sure you get one of me
jumping in, dude.

Cannonball!

Oh, no, Stebe. This again?

We did a photo sh**t for FamGram
out by the pool.

It's really bad this time, Doc.

g*dd*mn it, Stebe,
I'll write you a script for some ointment,

but how many times do I have to tell you?

During this time of year,
you have to wear sunscreen

if you even want to open a window.

I-I can't do it.
I can't put up this fight anymore.

Hey, hey, it's okay.

You ignore my advice time after time,

destroying yourself trying
to be a normal person, Stebe.

You're not normal. You're feeble.

You might be the most feeble person
I've ever met IRL.

I'll start listening, I promise.

- Just get out. Get out of here!
- Ow! Ow! Watch it! I have feeble skin.

- I can't do this anymore.
- Get out.

What about my ointment?

Wear sunscreen.
Let's start there.

Then maybe we can build some trust.

Wasn't that guy in a wheelchair?

He was after that night.

I heard this story.

They... They left him out in the desert.

Stebe, what happened to you?
You look like a weirdo.

Doctor's orders.

He says if I don't start caking myself in
sunscreen every day I could die.

Anyway, I'm telling you.
Now that Lars is back in the picture,

y'all gotta throw a TainT reunion show.

I don't know, Lars has been out
of the game for awhile.

- Please.
- Don't do me like this.

The fans have spoken, Theo.

- I'll think about it.
- That's all we ask.

Okay, guys. I actually
have a lot to cover...

Oh, great, the fun police is here.

Yeah, I'm the fun police.

As in, when I show up
somewhere the fun starts.

So thank you for the compliment.

Yeah, right. Look at Dad.

He was finally having fun
before you got here.

Dad has no idea what's going on.

Aw come on, you don't give
the old man enough credit.

He's lovin' my stories,
aren't ya, big guy?

I'm telling you, you're wasting your ti...

Dad loves Lars. Dad loves Lars.
Dad loves Lars. Dad loves Lars.

Hey, hon. Ugh, what a day.

I had therapy after work.

I told him about that dream I had,

where I drove the wrong car home
from the grocery store.

Uh-huh. Hold on, cover your ears.

Yeagh!

Anyway about half-way through he says,

"Stebe, I can't do this anymore.

Stop telling me
every single dream you have."

And just walked out, so,
gotta find a new therapist.

Again.

Hon? Something wrong?

Stebe. Are you ever gonna post
anything on FamGram?

Deb, I'm closing in on the perfect post.

It's going to be brilliant.
When I post it, everyone is going to go,

"Oh, that's something I thought
only I had to deal with."

- Really?
- Really.

Please. Just give me more time.

You have to believe me.

I want to, I've just been hurt before.

Are you f*cking ready?

Yes.

Hey, Stebe with a "B."

- Welcome back.
- Hey, Britney.

Plain black coffee
with a plastic straw, right?

Hey, uh, Britney?

Do you think maybe you could
write "Steve" on my cup?

- Sorry?
- Steve?

With a "V"? As in "visceral anguish"?

And why would I write that?

Oh, I just... I don't know.
Heh. Thought it'd be funny.

But you're not Steve with a "V,"
you're Stebe with a "B."

As in "big ol' butterball."
And you should be proud of it.

I just... Britney, can I...
can I overshare with you?

Well, of course. I'm a barista.

I don't really like myself lately.

And I've started to wonder
if this name is a curse.

All my life it's served as a
reminder that I'm not important.

If you just write my name down with a "V,"

maybe it could be the start of a new me,

or at the very least, allow me
to feel like I'm somebody else,

if only for a moment.

I understand, Stebe...

But I'm not gonna do it.

We have a policy.
Look.

Okay. Yeah, I-I understand.

Coulda pointed that sign out to me

before I spilled my f*cking
guts out over here.

Alright, Matt.

I wanna congratulate you
on being a fill-in drummer

for the most important show
in Bakersfield history.

But I wanna see what we're working with.

Give me a beat...

Hey, that was pretty good, sport.

Lars, that beat would make David Silveria
puke his f*cking brains out.

What's happened to you, dude?
Have you gone soft?

Alright, boys.
Let's get ready to get turnt.

Dude, what's up with your eyes?

Went to the eye doctor
and he over dilated my pupils.

Says they're gonna be like this
for at least a week.

Doesn't that make you
super sensitive to light?

Yes. I'm in excruciating pain as we speak.

But let's not focus on the negative.

Let's get this jam session started, huh?

TainT 2.0, baby.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna be your hype man.

Like the guy from Bosstones.

I'd rather have my entire family
m*rder*d in front of me

before being compared
to the f*cking Bosstones.

Wait, you have Matt playing drums?

Come on. He can't even hump his
Sailor Moon pillow to a steady rhythm.

- Dad!
- Cat's out of the bag, Matt.

You're a pillow humper.
Maybe you should have more consideration

for the people you share walls with.

Don't worry, my man Matt's
got this show on lock.

- Right, Matt?
- Right, Papa Lars.

Papa Lars?

It's just a nickname, Stebe. Relax.

I... There's gotta be something
I can do in the band.

Nothing. Literally nothing.

And you're gonna like it
that way. Now leave.

You're poisoning
the creative energy in here.

Well. It's pretty hot out here.

Can I get you guys some waters at least?

- I'll take a water, Stebe.
- I wasn't asking you!

Son of a b*tch!

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, hey. What is going on here?

It's FamGram.
I just can't win.

And I'm doing it all by myself.

I just wish Stebe would
contribute for once.

You know, if I was your husband,
I'd be proud to contribute to our FamGram.

- Really?
- Are you kidding?

I'd post pictures of the meats
I'm smoking out in the backyard.

I'd have you take a picture
of me at Kenny's Lobster Shack

where I'd put a crab claw
in my sweater sleeve

so it looks like my hand.

I'd write a caption like,
"The operation went great."

God, that'd be the funniest
thing I'd ever seen.

You know. This is embarrassing
to admit but...

I've always dreamed of having a family.

And like, like a son who looks
like Timothy Chalamet,

a house on a rocky beach with
a view of a foggy lighthouse.

You know...

It's like I always say,
I just wanna live...

laugh... and, hell, I dunno, love.

I thought I was the only one.

You deserve a real husband, Deb.

Like a tall handsome guy that plays center
for the Houston Rockets.

Thank you.

Or... I don't know.

Maybe an old, beaten-down
guitarist of a NuMetal band.

I'm just messin' with you.

But I think Stebe is insane
to not be part of your online presence.

I would flaunt every second of it.

That's so sweet, Lars.

Hey. C'mere...

- How's FamGram going, hon?
- Oh, like you care.

- I do care.
- Bullshit, Stebe!

I've been busting my a*s

trying to make a name
for this family on FamGram

and you haven't contributed one comment,

one picture, you haven't
even given us a like.

We're the laughing stock of the Internet

and all you can do is sit there
like a schlub and ask,

"How's FamGram going?"

Get out! You can sleep
in the yard tonight.

But my feeble skin. It's night time.

It's a full moon out there.

Fine.

What's up, Savages?

Are you ready for the greatest
show you've ever seen?

You suck.

Please welcome for the first
time in over a decade...

TainT, with temporary
fill-in drummer Matt Hornsby.

- Alright!
- Hell yeah!

What the f*ck is up, Bakersfield?

This first song is called
"Breakin' sh*t."

What the F is this?

Oh, my God!

Want a son like Timothy Chalamet...

...house on a rocky beach with
a view of a foggy lighthouse...

...like a tall handsome guy that
plays center for the Houston Rockets.

Oh my God.

...it's like I always say...

Yeah, Deb, they're great words to live by.

No, you don't understand.
Lars manipulated me.

He read off my vision board and
made me think he actually related to me.

He knew about wanting the lighthouse,
wanting Timothy Chalamet as my son...

God, what a dream that would be.

He even knew I wanted to bone Yao Ming.

- Oh, who doesn't.
- He has families everywhere.

He siphons all the love from them,

and when he's done
he moves on to the next.

He's like a locust.

Hey. What the f*ck was that?!
You trying to bogart the show, dude?

Between you and this born-again civilian,

This whole show is turning
into a train wreck.

Theo, you can take your
frustrations out on me,

but leave the kid alone.

That was a k*ller solo, Matt.

Hey, you don't nurture
my son's confidence.

Please. I've been mending
this broken family

since I walked through the door, Stebe.

Yeah? And what family did
you abandon to do that?

- The drama.
- What did you say?

- Yeah, what?
- He has a plethora of families, Theo.

We're just one of many.

He doesn't care about us, he
doesn't even care about TainT.

He just wants to suck the love
from this family for himself

and then move on to the next one.

Come on, enough.
Get off the stage, you jackass.

They're turning on you, Stebe.
Just like everyone else.

Listen, everyone,
I'm sorry to disrupt the show.

I... I'm just...

Sorry, dude, this stage is reserved
exclusively for men with ba*ls.

Now walk your a*s off, Stebe with a "B."

Alright, you animals,
we're gonna get this show back on track.

Now this next song is called...

Oh, you suck!

That guy is my patient.

I hope there's a special place
in hell for sellouts.

That was awesome.

Oh, hey, Stebe. The usual?

- Yep.
- You got it.

And maybe you could write my
name wrong this time. Like I ask.

You really wanna go down
this road again, Stebe?

Oh, we're already down this road, Britney.

We've driven through the dead end sign

and smashed right through
the front of a house.

We took out an entire family that was just
enjoying a night in front of the TV.

That's a very grim direction
to take the metaphor, Stebe.

I know.

Fortunately, no one was hurt and insurance
covered all damages in full.

Well, I'm sorry. But I can't do it.

Steve with a "V," as in
"victorious." Write it.

It's store policy, Stebe.

Hey, Britney, you having any trouble here?

This customer's demanding that I write
the wrong name on his cup.

I see. Britney?

You write down whatever name
this customer asks you to.

What? That's right.

In fact, his money is no good here.

In the closest alley

In the first doorway

They got my name wrong again.

He pushed up against her
and closed his eyes

He said, "This is probably
the worst decision

That I've ever made."

She laughed and smiled

She said, "I'm sure you do
this all the time, right?