01x03 - Factory 37

[bunniefuu]

God, I love when Stebe's late.

Gives me a chance to get
some real work done.

Check this out.

Oh god, stop. He'll be here any second.

He's just giving an office tour
to some health inspector.

What? Reggie's here?

I better take some hydration pills!

What the heck does that mean?

It means every few years,

we take Reggie out
for a night out on the town!

He feels like a regular Charlie Potatoes.

In return, he gives our factories

an inconspicuous B+!

Just you wait, Theo! Reggie goes hard!

A gold-certified Michelin star "f*ck boi!"

So I'm looking at this crossword going,

"Seven letter word for a beardless gnome?"

Then I realize the spelling...

N-O-A-M. Chomsky!

What a great story, Stebe!

I'm a bigger f*ck boi than that.

Anyway, enough locker room talk.

This is our board room.
Hey, guys, this is the health inspector.

He's gonna be looking
at Factory 37 tomorrow.

- You are not Reginald.
- Yeah!

What did you do with Reggie,
you son of a b*tch?

Reggie was my brother.
I'm Brent, thank you very much.

Your new health inspector.

I hope your factory is clean as a whistle
because if not... F!

That guy's a crack up, huh?

Stebe! 37 is the only factory
that produces

our best-selling chicken seasoned flavor,
and it's a hot mess over there!

This company is over!

Guys, relax, what do you take me for, some
irresponsible hooligan? I have a plan!

What, distract him
with more crossword anecdotes?

Let's stick to the original plan
and wine and dine this nerd!

This is my specialty, Stebe!
One night trying to party with me

and he'll be fartin' up blood by morning!

Theo, Stebe is the CEO-in-waiting!

Your father is lucky to have
such a responsible leader

for a son!
Hit us up with that plan, Stebe.

I propose we all go down to that factory

and give it a good ol'
Royal Crackers scrub down!

Are you a f*cking idiot...

...Savant?

Cause that's the most
deceptively brilliant idea

I have ever heard!

- Oh, no, no, no.
- What?

I can't go near cleaning chemicals
since my days as a hatter.

- I'm an executive, Stebe.
- Well, I...

Last time I tried to clean my apartment...

- G-Guys, I just... I think...
- You lost, Stebe.

- What?
- You lost.

I ended up naked on the 99 Freeway.

- I lost?
- Yeah.

I don't imagine
I make nearly as much as...

If I'm doing that again...

As much as whatever a janitor makes.

It'll by way of Theo's plan.

- Pass!
- Everyone agrees with me.

You lost, dude. Give up.

- But I...
- Just give up, dude.

I'll give up after I punch you
in the f*cking face, bird-brain!

Why don't you kiss me?
It'll do more damage.

Hit him harder!

Violence is fun.

Oh, my nuts!

Oh, my... Oh, my God.
I-I-I f*cking k*lled him.

You know what? I'm going to that factory
and I'm cleaning it myself!

If anyone wants to learn how to
do things the responsible way,

come hang with me!

Or you can waste away
partying with this loser!

Fine! To hell with all y'all!

Jesus Christ, Darby!

Sorry, Theo! I have quiet feet.
You know this about me!

That's true. I have always
known that about you.

You think I enjoy terrifying
my loved ones on a daily basis?

Maybe one day they'll come in handy...

But I just don't see it.

So what do you want? And make it quick.
I just pounded three of these bad boys.

One more and I can't be held accountable

for any of the crazy sh*t
we're about to get into.

Listen, we need to talk about Factory 37.

Stebe has no idea what he's walking into!

- Th... There's...
- It doesn't matter what you say, Darby!

Stebe looked me dead in the eyeballs
and called me a bird-brain.

He's dead to me.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but even though I value
Theo's life immensely,

sometimes I wish he lived all the way
on the other side of town!

Honey, don't say things you'll regret!

Besides, cleaning this factory
is the perfect way to prove that

you're the leader Royal Crackers needs.

I think your father was
very impressed in that meeting!

Yeah. If only I had a son like me.

Hey, Champ. You excited about
our little family adventure?

Do they have Wi-Fi there?

See what I mean?
You don't get to choose em.

Hmm. This place is kinda creepy.

Hey, you know what? We have
a responsibility here, Matt!

You're starting to sound
like your Uncle Theo, for Christ's sake!

Your father's right!

Tonight we form a family pact...
no complaining.

We clean this factory
as a family and that's that!

Sir? This is from the table over there.

Let me be as clear
as I possibly can here...

I do not want this drink.

He took the bait, let's go to work.

Hey! Look who it is!

Remember us?
Your friends at Royal Crackers!

Yes, hi, I remember.

Hey, enjoy that margarita, guy!
It's on us!

Sorry but you couldn't pay me

to drink at this petri dish
of a restaurant!

- F!
- Hey, man!

We had my niece's quinceañera here!

W... Well, let's go
somewhere else then, dude!

I can show you the real Bakersfield.

- Unless you're too scared?
- No! I'm not scared!

I'm not scared of anything!
You hear me! I'm in!

Hell yeah, dude!

Yeah!

Huzzah! Get the hell off of me!

Hey, this isn't so bad!

Power's out.

Okay, guys, family plan...
Matt, you go clean

the creepy loading garage.

It's massive and we only brought
one scrubber.

I'll hang onto it just in case.

- You take this toothbrush.
- This is my toothbrush.

Deb, you go down the basement
and navigate through the dark,

narrow corridors
of the factory underbelly.

See if you can find the power generator

and flip it back online
à la "Jurassic Park."

I'll tidy up this
small and easy-to-clean room.

Hey, wait a second! I am not going to...

Complain! 'Cuz that's a great plan!

I can't wait to go into
that factory underbelly!

Today has been a sad one.

What do you think, dude?
Place is pretty sick, huh?

Already a better night
than Stebe could ever show you,

I can tell you that. You ever done karaoke
with a freakin' rock star before?

Oh, uh... Yeah. But I don't want
to get sidetracked.

What can you guys tell me
about this Factory 37

I'm inspecting tomorrow?

Uh, oh, it's... like any other factory.

Completely up to standard, and
clean as a fresh opioid needle!

What the f*ck?!
There's not a single TainT song

in this god damn thing!

The kitchen is closing in a bit, fellas.
Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, how 'bout a song selection
that doesn't support predatory behavior?

- Excuse me?
- "Into The Night?" Really!

Why don't you go back
and listen to that song?

Don't worry, I'll wait!

I'm sorry, but it's 9:30. We're
trying to wrap things up here.

- Maybe next week.
- Are you kidding me?

Look, fine, fire up "Into The Night"
and I'll write my own lyrics.

What song are you gonna do, dude?

A-Actually, I think I'm just gonna
use the loo and call it a night.

Thank you, everybody, bye!

Oh, God!

Darby, you scared the heck out of me!

I've got real quiet feet.

Everyone knows that about me.

- Now, about tonight...
- Listen, I know you all think

you can get out of this inspection
by showing me a good time,

but as much as I love
ripping into some karaoke,

I have a job to do tomorrow and I...

No, you listen.
You're not leaving tonight.

You're gonna to party with us
and have a great time.

Understand, you f*cking as*h*le?

Alright, Deb, you can do this.

You are brave, you are strong,
you are hot!

You are brave, you are strong,
you are hot!

You are brave, you are strong...

You...

Oh, God!

Okay, so I peed my pants a little,

but only a thimble's worth!

You are brave, you are strong,
and you are hot!

Is somebody here?

Yes! Here it is.

C'mon, Deb. Let's flip this sucker on,

and then Stebe will be cleaning
diarrhea off the factory toilets

for the rest of the night!

Hey, good work, Deb!

Greetings, young whippersnapper!

My name is Theodore Hornsby!

Hah! How cool is this?

Theo is missing out big time.

You probably already know me

as the eternal CEO
of Royal Crackers Incorporated.

And if anyone says otherwise,
I'll slit them from ear to ear!

Hello! I am Dr. Wolfe Von Trowell!

The living quarters
have been completely overrun!

We've taken refuge in the cafeteria,

but we don't have much longer!

Why, I'll be! If it isn't
our lead scientist,

Dr. Wolfe Von Trowell!

Quite the contrary, Doctor.
You're right on time!

Oh, calm your nerves, Doctor.
This man is of the trustworthy sort!

Besides, we've long banned those people
from setting foot in our factories!

- Spies.
- You can call me a r*cist all you like,

but I have a business to protect!

Let's begin the tour, shall we?

Here you'll find our
state-of-the-art science lab!

As you can see,
our team of elite scientists

are hard at work, modifying our chickens

to be more bountiful
and tasty to grind up!

Oh, my dear God, here they come!

And finally, our efforts paid off.

With this pink goo,

a genetic modifier unmatched
by any medicinal company on the planet!

A man of the cloth might call
this "hedonistic meddling,"

but I'm no man of the cloth.

After all, why would I worship a God
that I have so easily surpassed!

What the f*ck is up, Chucklebees?

Here's the deal!
I guess the b*tch a*s posers

at Chucklebees Corporate don't want
y'all experiencing the raw power of TainT!

So I'm about to sing a little
song called "Into the Night," TainT style!

But first, I wanna call my main man Brent
Becker up to the stage to help me out!

Brent! Get on up here, you son of a b*tch!

Go, Brent! Do it!

Carpe diem, young lad!

Get up there and have some
fun, you piece of sh*t!

I hate this factory, I hate
cleaning, I hate chickens,

I hate responsibility,
I... hate... everything!

What a great man.

Hey, Deb! I just cleaned that!

Shut up! There are giant mutant chickens
running around trying to k*ll me!

There are dead bodies in the cafeteria!

I have a thimble's worth of pee
in my underwear,

And I have every right to complain!

We have to get out of here now!

Do you have a b*ner?

I'm into what I'm into, Deb!

Oh, Jesus, he found a computer.

Matt, you're not trying to
learn Flash again, are you?

How many times do we have to tell you?

Animating is not your talent!

I... It's not you...
There... There's a video...

And I...

Who dares interrupt my chicken party?!

Who dares interrupt the chicken master?

Welp, looks like Stebe wins this round.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

No, no, he was right.

My party skills just aren't
what they used to be.

I'm sorry, dude.

I know "Into The Night's"
a problematic song,

but my lyrics would have
made it super tasteful.

It's not that.
That's one of my favorite songs.

Oh... Well, what the f*ck, dude?

We just d*ck teased everyone
in Chucklebees!

What do you got, performance anxiety?

Performance anxiety,
social anxiety, you name it!

Plus, nobody was disinfecting
the mic between songs.

F!

I've been scared of everything
my whole life,

including Factory 37.

The devil you say?

My brother, Reggie, wasn't
your health inspector, I was.

But I was too scared to go
into Factory 37 myself.

It just looked too spooky!

So every year, he would
do the inspection for me.

Then, when I found out
he was giving you good grades

in exchange for a wild night
out in Bakersfield,

I called him a bird-brain
and demanded he go into that factory

and do the inspection responsibly.

He did, and he never came back out.

I regret it every single day.

You didn't call the cops?

And risk getting reprimanded at work?

That's a stupid question!

Okay, as*h*le, I was just
trying to understand.

Tonight, I hoped that stepping
out of my comfort zone

would help me work up the nerve
to go in there tomorrow

and find out what happened to my brother.

Oh, your brother's dead, dude.

- The devil you say?
- I mean, more than likely.



Darby! Stebe's over there right now!

I tried to tell you!

But you said it didn't matter what I said.

I'll admit it, yeah, I did think,

"Maybe I should just plow ahead
and tell him anyways."

But, I decided to just
roll the dice that you were okay

with your brother being k*lled
by mutant chickens.

Was that not the right move?

Jesus Christ! We have to save my brother!

I am the Chicken Master.

Many moons ago, I became
trapped in this factory,

fighting these animals tooth and talon.

While barricaded in
the science labs, I found this.

This pink goo.

It made me stronger, smarter.

It made me one of them.

It gained me their respect and loyalty.

But why keep making our crackers?

I don't know, it's something to do.

Hey, as*h*le! Stay away
from my shithead brother

and his stupid family.

Theo! You're in trouble now!
He's a rock singer!

Is that Theodore Hornsby,
the creator of the goo?

How poetic!

Who better to serve me than the man
who turned me into this monstrosity?

Leviticus, fetch the old man!

Close the gates!

Now we can really get this party started!

Dude, is he about to f*ck our dad?

I got quiet feet, m*therf*cker.

I can go all night.

- That's what I'm talking about!
- There you are, chicken shits!

Now that's a good team!

Children! Descend upon them!

Rip them limb from limb!

Brother! That's enough!

Well, well, Brent.

So you finally got the nerve
to walk into Factory 37.

It all began at a nearby chain restaurant,

where these people insisted I go

with them to another
chain restaurant for karaoke.

Arguably the best night
Bakersfield has to offer!

But when the time came, I was
too scared to do said karaoke.

Look before you!

This is the direct result
of all your fears!

You're right.

Theodore Hornsby is not
the man responsible for this.

I am. And I'm sorry.

Take me in place of Hornsby

and I'll serve you
for the rest of my life,

like the chicken that I am.

Very well. You are all free to go.

Barnibus!

All I ask...

is that I be put on the payroll
as the general manager of Factory 37.

I mean I need some kinda income here.

Groceries, toothpaste, cotton swabs, etc.

Yeah, actually, uh,
that might be a bit tough.

We'll need at least a W-4.

Parsinius! Hand her my W-4.

Okay. Tsh-tsh-tsh...

You claim 200 dependents?

My chickens!

I mean, best I can do is 100.

No. 101.

Thank you all for
the best night of my life.

But I want you to know.

If I could fly, I'd pick you up.

And take you into the night.

And show you a love like you've never seen.

Ever seen.

Now go. Leave this place.

You'll get your supply
of chicken seasoned crackers

and never have to set foot here again.

Hey, Stebe, sorry I got so upset earlier.

Maybe being a bird-brain isn't
the worst thing in the world.

Okay.

That f*ck' place sucked!

Oh, it sure did, pumpkin.

I can't measure my love.

There's nothing to compare it to.

But I want you to know.

If I could fly, I'd pick you up

I'd take you into the night.

And show you a love.

Oh, if I could fly, I'd pick you up

I'd take you into the night