02x05 - A New Order

[bunniefuu]

CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS

Greetings.

Spotlight.

Today marks the beginning
of a new chapter for the order.

First, some woman news.

I'd like you all to give
a warm welcome

to your new head of decorum - Maude.

Ear checks today, girls.

If they're unpierced,
you have nothing to hide.

Thank you, Maude.

Multiple blessings
shower down upon thee.

You're welcome, Elder Samson.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Now, I just want to reassure
all my former opponents

that there will be no witch hunt.

Unless your dead wife was a witch
like Andrew's.

Samson, what possible grounds
have you to believe...

She were dabbling...

..in the occult.

HE SNIGGERS

Witness the chakra necklace.

Behold the wishing candle.

And mark ye what is clearly
a dream catcher.

That's a wind chime.

The DEVIL'S wind chime!

It leaves me with no choice but to
posthumously exclude Mary.

HE SCOFFS

It's a shame she won't be joining
us in paradise.

I will drag you to hell, Samson.

TO HELL!

And finally, in happier news,
I'm pleased to announce the wedding

of my son, Joshua.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

RACHEL: What?
JOSHUA: What?

It's the heartfelt decision
of two people -

his wife to be and me.

I'm so happy.

Samson has spoken!

LIGHT APPLAUSE

You were dragging your heels, son.

I did what any good father would.
And if I refuse?

You've worked so hard to return
to the light.

Be a shame if you fell
into darkness now.

OFF-SCREEN:
Has anyone seen my roomie?

Hello, roomie. So happy for you.

I'd love to invite
you to your own stag.

You printed these? How long have you
known without telling me?

You're gonna love bowling.

David, I feel we ought to
clear the air.

After everything.

Yes. A good old air clear.

A frank state of the nation
marriage chat.

I'm suddenly craving some squash.

I'll just go check on Aaron.
Good talk.

You're not actually going
through with this?

I don't know, Rachel.

I've been processing it
for about...80 seconds?

You don't know?

I feel like you gave up a say
in my life when you rejected me.

OK?

Why don't you go focus on the match
you picked?

OK. Mm.
I will. Mm.

Hey, Jeb, my actual boyfriend.

I want to talk next steps.

You mean like marriage?

Yep. That's what I want.

I want to marry you forever.

That tattoo is misspelt.

No, no! Forget it. Blocking it out.

I'd love to get married.

Though, little thought on that.
Modern thought. Jeb thought?

What's the thought, Jeb?

Before we entwine for eternity,

maybe we should check chemistry.

Like, physical chemistry.

Talking about banging, Rachel.

Sure. Let's do it.

Really? No, don't question it.
She said yes.

I want Samson destroyed.

Obliterated. Struck down until
vultures pick over his carcass.

Andrew, this is a new,
violent side to you.

I like it.

You can rest easy, Andrew.
I overheard Samson's postcode -

he may as well give up now.
Going to need more to understand

how that's even vaguely relevant,
David.

OK. We begin at a little place
called Go Parcel.

A trainee, let's call him
David, is handed a scanner.

A scanner it feels like
he was born with.

Samson has a secret address
in a wealthy postcode.

If we go there, we can prove
he's embezzling.

You've grossly oversimplified,
Aaron.

How will you know when he's out?

Hey, guys, just checking
your clothing.

Only joking. You're all men,
so everything's fine.

I bring stag invites.

Everyone's coming. Even Samson.
Samson's coming.

Yeah. Thanks, Abijah. We're trying
to work out when Samson will be out.

Orange. Blackcurrant...

..engagement flavour.

It's orange mixed with blackcurrant.

Try it.

Suit yourself.

I have a proposal for you.

What's that?
The chance to start afresh.

Annulment?

Do you know the difference between
divorce and annulment, Fiona?

Annulment is where the marriage
never happened.

God never approved the union.

As if the partnership were just
a sort of...cosmic accident.

Samson can make it happen.

You sicken me.

Just leave that there.

Fiona.

Just to say Aaron is craving
more work experience.

So we're going to...

What's that? Absolutely nothing.

Just an empty brown envelope?

Yeah. Oh.

OK.

So, tonight, do you think he's going
to want to get straight to it?

Well, he brought it up an hour
ago and he's a man,

so I'm going to say yes.

And how far have you got
to this point?

Far enough.

So, like, oral?

He kissed me on the forehead once.

You want to have sex and so far
you've only had forehead action?

Look, no more questions, OK?

Josh is getting married.
I need to get over it.

Yeah, I vape now.
I can handle it.

Rachel, here's my read.

You're trying to talk yourself
into sex with one boy

because you're sad about another.

You're doing that while sucking
on a USB stick.

Honestly, not great vibes.

Julia, are you going to be
my sex mentor or not?

Hmm. Who am I to stop a girl
having sex for bad reasons?

Let's hit the chemist.

We're going to need all the lube
and condoms you can fit

into your shaky puritan hands.

Isn't this the coolest place
you've ever seen?

I mean, check out those tags.

I defo heard someone call
them tags.

Is it the same person that said,
"Defo"? Yes, it was, yes.

Did you see they have a photo loo?

So, it's half photo booth,
half Portaloo.

Can you believe it's the only
one in the world?

I can believe that, yeah.

Samson.

Wifeless traitor!

OK, we'll be laned any
second, guys.

Just a slight mix up with
the refreshments package.

Um, to confirm, you want to swap out

the vodka carousels
for kids' pizzas? Yes.

This is a stag do, you see. Mm-hm.

We have, however long Samson
can tolerate bowling.

Are you sure this is
the right place?

Aaron, you can question me
on a lot of things -

my brain, my manhood, my compulsion
to collect RGB cables -

but postcodes...stay in your lane.

Ooh, what did I tell you, Aaron?

I'm 80% sure those are his shoes.

Yeah. There's also a huge painting
of him as Moses.

Mm.

Who's Abijah in that?

Some kind of wretched man.

We can take the photos through
the window and then rush back.

Rush back?

Aaron, things are a bit wibbly
with your mum, so how about no rush

and instead we spend some quality
father-son time invading this house?

That's the most unhinged thing
I've ever heard.

Ooh! This one's open already.

It's definitely locked.

Just jammed.

If anyone can clear a jam,
David can.

You just broke into a house.

Mm-hm. In we go.

Isn't it great you're missing
school for this?

♪ Check the demonstration... ♪

Sorry, guys, I said there wasn't
going to be anything raunchy,

but apparently, you do have to put
finger and thumb

all the way in.

Josh, check out those giant
man mouths.

It's like we're bowling coloured
meatballs into our dads.

PHONE PINGS

Abijah, I came here so on top,
I thought Satan himself

couldn't bring me down.

Turns out spending five
minutes with you will do it.

Goodbye!

Leaving before you embarrass
yourself, Samson?

Three rounds.

You versus me.

You want to take this to the lanes?

I will scatter those pins
like the great flood.

So it begins.

SLURPS

Oh, sorry, this is yours.

I suppose we both hurt each other.

David put his hand in a VCR,

I massage under his neck.
Who knows which is worse?

Your thing is worse...

..easily. But who cares?

You've been thrown this life raft
after ten long years

drowning in David.
Where do you sign?

I'm not signing it, Melissa! Why are
you so allergic to happiness?

Fiona, is it possible you might
be craving physical attention?

Attention? Fulfilment!

You mean...with David?

I said fulfilment.

This should definitely be
a solo mission.

Getting married just to stay in the
order, that's crazy, right?

Well, if you marry her,
you'll get to have sex.

What? There's no key
to this lock, Joshua,

and I have to wear it 24/7.

But not when you're sleeping.

Of course, when I'm sleeping,
I wear my boxers and this.

Josh, Heather is a lovely girl.

I'm not so sure. I only catch about


and what I do hear
is really disturbing.

The gutters are calling your name,
Samson. Abijah,

bring me the frame.

The frame is for children.

You never specified we couldn't
use the frame.

No, I didn't specify we were using
the gutter either.

As you wish.

SAMSON CHUCKLES

Your move, bowler.

I don't think anyone here
understands bowling.

What's this?

Photos of David.

He gives me that album
whenever he's away,

in case I miss him so much,
it's unbearable.

Looks dusty.

Yeah.

Wait, this is David?

Yeah, I suppose it is.

It's the best I've ever
seen him look.

This is before he joined
the order. Right.

Your religion makes people
unfuckable. Mm.

You sure you don't want to press the
red button to start World w*r Wank?

What's wank?

I've got some wine.

I know you won't be able
to get there on your own.

Do you know what?
Now we're inside,

I don't think this is any better
than our house.

It has marble pillars.

Yeah. The place is so fragile,
it needs pillars.

Let's log anything incriminating
but faster.

Lightning-fast.

My disposable from 2004.

It says it's out of shots,
but it just keeps clicking.

PHONE RINGING

Let it ring out, Dad.

I'll go one better.
I'll hang up.

Cut it off at the source.
PHONE BEEPS

ON SPEAKER PHONE: Chief elder,
it's Maude.

I have a final count
of congregant piercings.

We have 12 ears, three nasal
septums, and one unmentionable.

CAMERA CLICKS

Samson, are you there?

Who am I speaking to?

The pool cleaner.

The pool cleaner?

What's your name?

David Lewis.

PHONE BEEPS
Dad!

Aaron! The last name she'd expect
David Lewis to make up

is David Lewis. Now she's mentally
ruled out David Lewis.

There's so much to get my
head around.

Condoms. Dental dams.

Dental dams aren't real, Rachel.

I've never seen one.

No-one has.

You should just man up and get
an STI like a grown-up.

Extra large condoms.

This will boost his ego without
making any real difference.

Two-in-one lube.

That way, you can pivot into massage
when you inevitably get overwhelmed.

And what have you got there?

Snacks...for after?

Rachel...

I think you're ready.

MUSIC: Just A little
by Liberty X

David, you gorgeous, godless man.

They've nearly finished what
Andrew's describing

as a "bowling jewel".
We've got to go. Dad?

The confessional tapes.

These ones are all video.

He's indexed them.

"Joel admits to Pornhub backslide."
Dad?

"Fiona says she doesn't love
her husband."

There's another Fiona
in the order, right?

I'm...I'm struggling to remember her
name because I'm worried

she doesn't exist, but...

PHONE BUZZING
..but that there must be one.

Dad, we need to go now!

Think he'll notice?

Will he notice that you destroyed
the painting of him as God? Yes!

OK. Let me make this right. How
could you possibly make this right?!

You ruin everything!

Aaron.

I may seem like a fool, but no
matter how much I fall short,

or whom your mother massages,
there's one thing I can do -

I can parcel.

It's not a parcel. You're wrong.

Everything we touch,

everything in this world
is a parcel.

If only you have the eyes to see.

Now...

TAPE ROLL RATTLES

..let's dance.

OK!

Done.

Don't share what you witnessed
today, Aaron.

If the world knew of my gift,
I could never lead a normal life.

Well...

Here we are, Andrew.

Your error of judgment.

I must confess, you had me worried
in frame five.

And then God cursed you
with a 7-10 split.

Three pins to win.

WHISPERS

Impossible.

I believe we call that a miracle.

I sat on the gutter button.

Should we give Samson a rebowl?

Shut up, Abijah. OK.

Well, my little sex Padawan.

I go no further.

Just remember,

priority one - enthusiastic consent.

Priority two - condoms.

Priority three - bank transfer me
for the condoms.

What? Wait. Now? Later.

Or during, if you're bored.

Hey!

Oh, what's in your bag?

Oh, just...things.

Objects.

Accoutrements. Accoutrements?

Mm. Do you want a drink,
or should we just crack on?

Uh, Jeb, have you ever known
anyone else?

As in had sex with?

Mm. Let's stick with known.
I'm comfortable with known.

Well, before I committed,
a girl did tempt me.

But then I found God and swore
to be with no other

until my soulmate.

But if you're asking,
the number is six.

Hmm.

Uh-huh.

Those are my weights.

I can do the big ones
for five minutes,

or the small ones for half an hour.

Dad, that was...incredible.

You doomed us to incompetence and
saved us by being deeply bizarre.

That's how I roll. When I break
into a house,

I do it David style.

FIONA HICCUPS

You broke into a house?

Aaron, I'll let you take this one.

Dad, I won't lie.

In that case, I'll take it.

So... You broke into a house...

and you did it David style.

What's David's style...

David?

Well, it was Samson's house,
and I jemmied the window...

with a trowel.

Jemmied.

I leveraged it with my arm
until the window gave way.

So, to be clear...

you staked out our chief elder's
house, and then you broke in...

with your strength.

Like a bad man.

Bad, bad man David.

What's happening?

Aaron, go to the shops for at least


Do I have to go now?
It's quite late.

Yeah, now. There's my purse.
Love you.

Should I accompany him, or...
You come with me.

Y... Oh. OK.

Oh, I should just take
my tool belt off.

Leave it on!

David...

push the beds together.

What?

I want you to push
the beds together, David.

Oh.

Show me your strength.

Is that Maude's pie dish?

I want it to see.

Jeb, just FYI, the Bible quotes
in the bathroom,

two of them are wrong, one of them's
from Lord Of The Rings.

Oh, gosh. You're in my bag.

Got curious.

Don't worry. It's all good.

My only question is why
you brought these?

The snacks? Yeah. They're for...

Hmm.

Thought we might need them.

Why?

So I don't get pregnant.

I mean, everything we do
is God's plan.

Why not let him decide?

Yeah, I just... I...don't know
if I even want children.

You're going to be my wife.
Of course there'll be children.

But I know you're independent,
so we can compromise

and only have three.

Well, what about my career?

Well, you only want one of those
because you don't have kids, right?

No! Rachel, Samson won't let
you work anyway.

Feel better now?

Look, I told you I'd been with
people before.

How about you?

No. No-one.

Good. I was worried Joshua
had ruined you.

OK, I'm going to go.

Rach?

Rachel! Come on, baby.

I'll fix the bathroom Bible quotes.

I know that's what this is about.

MUSIC PLAYS, HEAVY THUDS

LOUD SCRAPING

MUSIC STOPS

DAVID: This is the best day
of my life!

FIONA: Stop talking, David!

Oh!

♪ If you're ready for me boy

♪ You better push the button

♪ Let me know before I

♪ Get the wrong idea and go

♪ You're gonna miss
the freak that I control

♪ I control

♪ If you're ready for me boy

♪ You better push the button
and let me know

♪ Before I get the wrong idea
and go... ♪