02x04 - A Portal to Hell

[bunniefuu]

Vote Samson. Vote for Andrew.
So, I'm supporting my brother,

while you're supporting the man
who ruined both our lives.

What am I supposed to do?
Show some backbone.

Pick a side. Ah! Man.
Picking sides is hard.

I pick...one of each.

I mean, when did neutrality
become such a dirty word?

I love Swiss cuisine.
I mean, look at the Toblerone.

You're telling me a warring country
would put nougat in there?

When you're digging trenches,
you don't think about nougat.

You don't have the time!
ABIJAH LAUGHS

Evil triumphs when good men
do nothing.

Yes, but I'm not doing nothing,
Rachel.

I am worrying constantly.

I don't want Samson's rage.

I don't want your brother
to put me back in his garage gulag.

Garage gulag?

Look into his eyes, Andrew.

See the eyes of your enemy.

Andrew's on his rower again.

He says training will focus his mind
for the vote.

That's fun.

For you. What do you mean?

You're looking at his body

like a hyena that's hungry
for man meat.

My sole desire is to help my son.

And if Andrew wants to exercise
in that gear,

that tight, tight gear...

ANDREW GROANS

Is there an end to that sentence?

Hm.

Is David helping with the big vote?

No. It's imperative
that doesn't happen.

We've sent him to his favourite
charity electronics store.

Guys, I've got a great deal
on a random grab bag of wires.

Look.

There's a Scart at one end,
and at the other...

..we'll soon find out.

Jeb, did you get my voice note
about CPR?

Yes. That sounds so important
to you and to your future.

I can't do it.

What?

It's the youth, Rachel, of Bolton.

They've asked me to do a talk.

They've seen my Insta.
They've seen my TikToks.

They've fallen in love
with the word of God.

And with Jeb, the brand.

But I told you about this weeks ago.

Yeah, but this thing
has just come up, so...

You realise that makes it
less valid, right?

No, no, no, no, Rachel,
I just feel like

God is guiding me towards this

and away from your thing.

I gotta run.

Mwah.

Wow.

OK, so I have an exam
and no way to practise for it.

What if I helped you?

You're flyering for Samson.
Yeah, well...

..what if I wasn't?

Sometimes I wish I could
put myself in the bin.

Sorry. Did you hear that?

BREATHLESSLY: Samson.

I thought this would stop me
worrying about my speech,

but now I'm worried about my speech
and my 200 metre split time.

If my speech fails, I'll have
let down an entire generation.

Andrew, it's not healthy
to think like that.

Even though it's true.

Are you struggling with your speech?

Mary used to help me
find the words, but now...

Well, I could be Mary.
I mean, your wife.

I mean, I could replace your wife.
I mean, I could help with the words.

You and I alone?
Would that be appropriate?

Aaron, what do you think?
I think it's fine.

He thinks it's fine. OK.

Well, I guess I'll...
see you later, then.

Mm.

ANDREW SIGHS

FYI, Mum, you and Andrew alone
is obviously inappropriate,

but we really need this speech,
so crack on.

OK. So, Josh, you're, like,
my examiner.

Abijah, we don't actually need you,
so you could go back to church.

No, Rachel.
The church is Vote Town.

Don't send me back to the horrors
of Vote Town.

I could be the dummy.

I have qualities that dummy
doesn't have, like arms.

The dummy is so we can practise
proper CPR.

If I did that to you,
your ribs would break.

We'll make you a neutral bystander.

Oh, Rachel! I'll never forget
what you've done for me today.

DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Fiona?

David!

Are you...putting on lipstick? No.

Really? Because it looks like...
I said no, David.

OK. Well, I'm having a great time

delving into the history
of AV cables,

but I just wonder
if we should talk about

what happened with Maude.

I know it upset you.

No, it didn't upset me.
It didn't upset me at all.

I'm going to Andrew's.

Andrew's? For Aaron.
On behalf of Aaron.

Oh. Well, I guess if it's for Aaron,
I can't have a problem with it.

That's right, sweetie.

Hm.

Go.

Mr Smith? Mr Smith? No response.

Please save my wife. Your wife?

It's a fictional world.

I can have a wife if I want one!

OK. I'm checking for a pulse.

No pulse after ten seconds.

Right. We start chest compressions.

It'll be OK, Ellie.

My dream wife's name is Ellie.

Well, her friends call her Eleanor.

Actually, it's mainly
her school friends.

We need defib pads.

Done. But she's bleeding out.
OK. Ready?

Two bags of O-neg.
We may need to transfuse.

Oh, Rachel, look at her necklace.

No blood.

Did you plant that?

They were her wishes, Josh.

No, they weren't. Rachel,
her heart rhythm's gone V-tach.

OK. Then we shock.
Three, two, one, shock.

Ah! Done.

Well?

You did everything right.

You made it, Ellie.

My beautiful one. Oh, don't!

Well, lady of the grapes.

I didn't think I'd find myself
looking at you again.

But I guess I've hit rock bottom.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Oh, sweet Christ.

Hello, David. Maude.

You shouldn't be here.

I was just in the area,
innocently flyering for Samson.

I support traditional values,
you see.

I find that hard to believe
when you keep feeding me

extramarital pie.

Here, let me pin a badge on you.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

We're an Andrew household.

And what job have you been given
in this grand campaign?

Well, I'm disentangling

a twisted bolus of wires
from the '90s. I see.

Very quiet house.

Missing its domestic hum,

the patter of pans,

the buzz of a wife doing her duty.

Where is Fiona?

She's at Andrew's.

Hm. But I like
that she's independent.

David, there's nothing sadder
than a man who's lying to himself.

Maude, nothing you say
can induce me

to let you cross this threshold.

This is a broken VCR.

I need a strong man to help me
fix my spools.

Could you be that prodigy, David?

I am only flesh.

Good boy.

Now, Fiona, before we get started,

I think we should set
some ground rules.

Ground rules?
Why do we need ground rules?

Well, the last time we were alone
together, you profaned my wife.

You put on my wife's wedding ring
and you destroyed the tree

that was a symbol of my wife.

Well, Andrew,
obviously it's going to sound bad

if you refuse to twist the facts.

I think we should
set some boundaries.

No physical contact.

Keep language neutral.

And the third was
going to be no makeup.

But I see you've already
broken that.

But the other two still stand.
Do you agree?

Of course, Andrew.

I promise to respect two
out of three of your boundaries.

Fiona! I caught it, I caught it.

FIONA CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

How's Aaron doing?

He went to canvas Elder Raab.

Elder Raab? Oh.

Gays are the fifth Horseman
of the Apocalypse.

Whenever two men have sex,
it opens a portal to hell.

It opens a portal to hell?

Yep. In London.

Don't worry.

I started letting his tyres down
before he'd even spoke.

Slowly. Hopefully he won't notice
until he's on the M6.

The vote's tomorrow.
Does Andrew even have a chance?

Aaron, I promise
that no matter what,

I'm having a great time
vandalising bigots' cars.

Your tape path is seriously gummed.

Rubbing alcohol
could clear the clog,

but there's so much detritus,
I'd almost suspect foul play.

I'm setting your Ansamac 100
to answerphone only.

I don't want the two of us
being disturbed.

You do know that this so-called vote
is just a charade, don't you, David?

That whatever you do,
Samson will win.

He has tapes,

recordings of every confessional
he's ever taken,

of every member of the congregation,
spilling their darkest secrets.

RECORDING OF DAVID: It was
the best meal I've ever had,

and my wife didn't cook it.

This is every man's worst nightmare.

SAMSON: David, why have you
spent 40 minutes

talking to me about pie?

That session went on
for another hour.

I know. I have the transcripts.

Why are you telling me this, Maude?

Because I know
where the tapes are, David,

and I can make them go away.

For my special one.

In exchange for repairing
this VCR together.

Intimately.

Why are you so interested in me?

Isn't it obvious, David?

Because you're the most
pathetic man I've ever met.

Don't worry. It's a good thing.

You're so incompetent,
so decidedly wretched

that you become something other,
something sublime.

Few men can say they're the best
at anything in this world.

Even if that is being a lap dog.

My lap dog.

DAVID SHUDDERS

And you promise to wipe
Samson's tapes?

Of course.

Slowly, David.
These tape heads are very sensitive.

God forgive me.

DOOR SLAMS

I'm doing this for you, Aaron.

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

When Samson sees our faith,
he sees control.

What I see? I see love.

I love every member of this
congregation passionately.

Passionately.

I mean, it's all about love,
isn't it?

Yes, love.

Platonic love.

Any kind of love.

Maybe it would be helpful to pick
someone out in the audience,

deliver it to them.

But you're the only one here.

Oh, well, you'll have to
pick me, then!

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Let's...let's give it a try
with eye contact.

Andrew, I'm just here for my son.

On behalf of my son.

You need me to look into your eyes
and talk about love for your son?

Yes. It's what he would want.

Well, we can pause the speech.
Yeah. Let's pause.

And talk posture. Posture?

It's a vital element
of speech making.

Back straight, shoulders broad.
Let me show you.

ANDREW GRUNTS AND GROANS

Oh, my lats!

Oh, they get so tight
after training.

Oh, gosh. OK, so what can I do?

You can't do anything, Fiona.

HE GROANS

Oh. Mary used to massage them
with Tiger balm,

but that would be inappropriate.

Why would it be inappropriate?
If Mary can do it, I can.

Because Mary was my wife.

Andrew, this is not about wives

or whose wife is who
or who should be whose wife.

This is about your speech
and your back and your lats.

Tight, tight lats.
Now, is that the balm?

Oh, you found that quick.

Andrew, I'm going to help you

by platonically and disinterestedly
rubbing you right down.

Just the top of the neck. No lower.

How's that?

Oh, that's...
that's actually helping.

Do you want me to go higher?

Lower?

BREATHLESSLY: Deeper?

OK, Fiona. I think it's quite clear
that you have feelings for me.

I've felt that way
ever since you defiled my wife.

My husband ate another woman's pie,
and I will not be made a fool of!

Please leave.

Oh!

It's a bit slippery.

Thank you, David.
That was wonderful.

David, I'm back from Andrew's.

It's really normal.

What the hell?

Relax, Fiona. We've long finished.

I was just fixing her VCR.
Mm. And I did. Look.

David, if you're watching this,
then our baby is fully operational.

It means that we came together
in union

and repaired
the sheared feeding band.

Now we can make videos
of absolutely anything.

Wow.

So, while I've been at Andrew's
at the bequest of our son...

Do I smell...Tiger balm?

ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS

ANDREW: David, I think
you need to know

your wife just tried to touch me
in inappropriate areas.

We're talking neck,
we're talking shoulder.

What? Oh, God.
FIONA SPLUTTERS

That was actually really fun.

Yeah. It was great to see you
finally in action.

You're gonna ace it.

Yeah. Let me...

Let me help you with that.

What's going on?

Does she open the door silently,
too?

Uh, I was just helping Rachel
with her paramedic exam when I...

Yeah. Sorry. Hey, Heather.

SOFTLY: Back off, b*tch!

Sorry, what? I said, back off.

OK, I'm...I'm gonna go.

What's been going on?

You reek of desire.

So, Joseph's dripped out
in this technicolour dreamcoat.

But his bros, they're not too happy.

So they lob him in an actual well.

And his dad had four wives.

Bro is busy.

Before any speeches,

are there any elders out there
who want to share their thoughts?

Remember, this is a safe space.

Gays are the sons of Sodom.

Thank you, Elder. That's very brave.

And now, just as in Luke 22:48,
it's time for Judas to speak.

This is it. The moment of truth.

It all comes down to one man
and his speech.

Greetings, everyone.

I would like to start today
by asking a question.

What was Jesus's
greatest commandment?

I mean, according to Matthew,
there were two.

Love thy God,
and love thy neighbour. Love.

Love. Love is the key thing.

OK. All right. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Thought I could tolerate that,
but I'm just bored.

Samson, I have a right...
Throughout the years,

I have performed
over 600 confessions.

I've recorded
each and every one of them.

So if I am not re-elected,

I will release those tapes
to the public...

..for your spouses to hear,
for your children to hear.

This is but a taste of what I have
in my possession.

MAN: Last week, I got so lonely
I made a friend out of socks.

I didn't realise I'd crossed a line
until I named it Joshua.

Oh! It could have been
anyone's voice.

Maude, tell them.

Tell them you destroyed
all the tapes.

All the tapes? Yes?

I destroyed your tapes, David.

The tapes of my special one. For us.

I thought you were
going to save everyone.

Well, you should have been
more specific

before you put your hands
inside my VCR.

You'll find your polling cards
under your seats.

You know what to do.

Don't give in!

Don't vote for a man who would
hold this over your head.

Yeah. Amazing stuff, Aaron.
Some of us said things.

Yeah. Said so many things.

Confidence.
ABIJAH CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

I've never felt less confident
in my life.

Who did you just vote for?

You shouldn't really be
watching me vote, love.

The count is in.

For Andrew...

..41 votes.

For Samson...

..41 votes.

Wait. That's impossible.
There's 83 congregants.

I think someone's tried to abstain.

Both these boxes are checked,

and in the margin they've written,
"Sorry." Sad face.

Which way did you vote, Abijah?

I... Oh, boy.
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Mark my name right now.

Vote for a new future, Abijah.

I will bury you under this church.

Oh, come on, Samson!

Don't let the dream die.

I say, is anyone else very cold?

It suddenly feels
very dark and cold. Oh!

CONGREGANTS MURMUR

Has he got a pulse?

He's just fainted.

Shame.

I vote for Switzerland.

Always for Switzerland.

Don't worry about the vote.

The vote can't hurt you now.

Andrew? Yeah?

What does this mean?

It means you lose.

No majority, no change.

Nice try, little man.

You know, in ten years,

you're going to be
a worthy adversary.

Oh...

Oof! Such a shame.
Such a damn shame.

There was one vote in it.

Crazy. Crazy how those chips fall.

WA15 3PO.

WA15?

That's weird.

You know that postcode?

I know every postcode, Aaron.

Hey, Aaron. You doing OK?

Just gonna brush my teeth,
get in bed

and pray for an Armageddon.

Hm. You've not done that for ages.

Yeah, it's a bad day.

David, I see you've moved your bed
further away.

Well, I didn't want to risk

accidentally brushing your hand
in the night.

You've never spoken to me
like this before.

You've never made hand love
to a neighbour's neck before.

OK, then. Here's to never making
physical contact ever again.

Fine by me.
Could you get the light?

Yes.

Night-night.