02x01 - A Big Sexless Cardigan

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Would you like to talk to me
about God?

ECHOING: God...

The order says women will be
fulfilled

by making the home their work. And
have you personally found that?

No, but I've only been doing
it 17 years.

I provide for my family.

expl*si*n

HE CRIES OUT

I chose you, David. And
you'd choose me again today?

I chose you, David.

Who are those guys? They're off to
hell.

Wow. Nice eight pack. Yeah!

I used to be in the order.

We're making an official request
under the charter to return.

Are you wearing Mary's ring?

Oh, no! Give it back!

SHE RETCHES
Mary!

Remain in the order on penance, or
pursue university and be excluded.

MUSIC: Wet Dream
by Wet Leg

Hey. Hey, guys. Wait!

Hey, did you just come from anatomy?
Yeah. It's incredible, right?

The design of the human body!

And also, we can save lives.

But do you know what's even
better than saving lives?

A fulfilling relationship
with Jesus Christ.

Oh, God. Please... Please take the
leaflet.

Oh, good try, Rachel. Yeah, I
thought you were really bonding

until she...learned your whole deal.
HE CHUCKLES

It's crazy to think, isn't it?
If the chips had fallen differently,

you could have been one of those
students

instead of harassing them with
leaflets.

Am I done? Yes, yes.


Actually, you finished 45 minutes
ago, I just let you keep going

because you were clearly having
so much fun.

How do you feel?

I feel renewed, full of purpose.

Aw.

I can tell you really mean that.

Thanks for that, Jesus.

Rachel, you're off penance.

I'm making you a flan to celebrate.

And I'm over beating the eggs
so it doesn't go to your head.

I'm gonna go and...

..Pray. Nobody interrupt me.

Harry, you don't think your sister's
spirit is broken, do you?

Not broken.

Crushed, maybe.

VAPE CRACKLES

DOOR SLAMS
Rachel?

You're all done, right?

Yes! Thumbs up.

Big thumbs up.

Hmm.

Something smells like...cotton
candy?

Your gel pens, of course.
HE CHUCKLES

You kids and your gel pens!
HE LAUGHS

Right...

Well...

I'll leave you to it.
SHE SQUEAKS

Something I needed to....

SHE SQUEAKS

Nope. It's gone!
HE CHUCKLES

Bye, Rachel!

DOOR CLOSES

Allowed back in church,
isn't that great?

Happy day - celebration.

SHE WHOOPS

Yes, "Whoo!"

It's been great being
treated like a virus.

No-one said virus.

RACHEL SCOFFS

Samson said I would
infect everyone with sin.

Yes, but you stayed at home,
and you didn't.

Rachel, I know it's been tough,
but...

..penance is designed
to renew your faith.

Sure, Mum. But


Who would seriously feel renewed...

..by that?

Is that the boy who deflowered you?

He kissed me.

That's what I said.

He looks...

..so committed.

A changed man.

He's the reason I was on penance -
he told on me to Samson.

Well, thank goodness -
he brought you back to the light.

Thank you for bringing my
daughter back to the light.

Blessings.

Blessings.

Andrew's on mental health leave.

I wish we didn't call it that.

His wife, Tree, died. His convert
shamed him. His brain broke.

He's the only elder
who can moderate Samson.

With him gone, well...
I don't think Andrew's absence

will make any real difference.

Arranged marriages.

Why did we stop doing them?

I don't remember either,
so I'm bringing 'em back!

Samson has spoken.

I'm not doing it.

No way.

Before you rule this out, Rachel,
think of the peer pressure.

If you don't do it,
you'll look weird.

What happened to letting me
live my own life?

Nothing happened to it.
It has never been a thing.

David, why don't you go and get
some squash? Ah, thanks, Fiona.

I'm squashed up to the nines. Go
over there, David. Yes, of course.

Rachel...
SHE SIGHS

..I accept this is a
bit of a surprise, but...

..try to see the positives.

Who in their right mind would
feel positive about THIS?

Wow and wow. Mrs Abijah could
be in this room right now.

I mean, maybe it's that lady.

No, it's not that lady.

Didn't know you were so keen to get
married. Oh, I'm not, no. I mean...

I mean, I've dabbled with a
couple of Christian dating apps,

you know, Adam And Eve Dating,

Righteous Relationships,

Marriage Messiah,

Prodigal Passion Project,

Tabernacle Time,

Devotion Motion and Kringle, but...

HE LAUGHS
..I'm not keen, no.

Uh, Elder, my card doesn't have any
names on it, just the word "atone".

I mean, I thought I have atoned -

I handed out some flyers, a


You publicly fornicated
with an unmarried woman.

There's only one way
to cleanse that stain.

Is that...a padlock?

Next!

Well, if it isn't Aaron Lewis.

Aren't you a bit too young to be
paired off with your future wife?

I see you've matched
everyone male-to-female,

and ONLY male-to-female.

Our charter doesn't explicitly
forbid g*y marriage...

No, but I do.

Next.

Ah, Joshua.

Thanks, Dad. Er, I mean "Elder".

Can I get Abijah's card, too?

I can't seem to find that one.

OK, but he does have
a card, though, right?

If he gets married,
he'd have children.

An unpollinated flower
bears no seed, Joshua.

Are you trying to
end his genetic line?

Next!

I can't believe you
forced me into this.

I'm not forcing you, you're
welcome to resist for a bit.

Look, your father and
I were married in this system.

It's the Lord's way of
guiding us to our soulmates.

Do you really think
Dad's your soulmate?

That of everyone else on earth,
there's no-one better suited to you?

You honestly believe that?

Yes.

Because God always puts
our soulmate in our path.

HE SIGHS

Hello. Hiya.

I'm just de-diluting the squash.

Is that a 3/1 water-squash ratio?

I like my squash quite viscous. Hmm!

I thought I was the only one.

Oh, nice suit - machine washable.

Never trusted dry cleaners.

"Dry cleaner" is a misnomer. It
means water free, not liquid free.

Precisely. If they were being
accurate, it'd be called...

TOGETHER: ..an anhydrous cleaning.

What did you say your name was?

David.

David, my God's eternal king.

Known for his good looks...

..and his illicit
dalliance with Bathsheba.

I should...get back to my wife.

Oh, don't forget your squash.

Adviser, who's that lady?

That's Maude. New in
from the Prestwich chapter.

She made big waves at
their homemakers club.

That woman knows how to
make cheese from scratch.

Urgh, 3/1, too rich for my blood.

Ah, Sister Lewis!

Susie left a letter for you.

Miss Simmonds did?
I'm quite envious, actually,

because the only thing she sent me
is a picture of her new boyfriend

smeared in...edible love chocolate.

And she told me she
was lactose intolerant.

I guess, uh, not for him.

MISS SIMMONDS: Rachel, I've taken
a job at a lovely Scottish school

that doesn't do proper
background checks,

but I thought, before I go,
I'd leave you a heartfelt letter

like we're in Little Women, or
something. God, I hated that film.

It taught little girls
that they can be anything,

and we both know
that just isn't true.

I'm sorry you didn't get to study
medicine at university,

I'm sure you would have been a great
doctor until you burned out at 35,

but here's a leaflet
for a paramedic course.

It would mean using
your mind to help people,

and, from your volunteering,

you already have valuable
experience in getting paid badly.

Good luck, Rachel. I'll stay
in touch - if I remember.

Big if. PS, how's Joshua?

He sounded really lame
and perfect for you.

Still no update on when
I'm going to be moving out?

No, I do have an update.

Your dad still doesn't want you.

But the good news is

you can live here indefinitely.
JOEL CHUCKLES

I'm very happy with our
system, alternating nights

between bed and bag.

Makes you appreciate
bed so much more.

Yeah.

Oh, and by the way,
I think we have rats.

Yeah, I saw a trail
of breadcrumbs...

..leading to a rat.

Yeah.

Take that, dummy.

Not dummy, Fiona. David.

The smacks flow better
when you picture David.

I'm not actually
angry at David today,

apart from the normal background hum.

It's Rachel who's being tricky.

She's resisting courtship.

"Courtship" sounds
weird and medieval.

Why are we friends?

It's just a process where young
ordinands pair under God.

It's like an arranged marriage.

No. I mean, Elder Samson did
use that exact same phrase

but, no. In an arranged marriage,
you have one choice.

Rachel will have at least
five or six. Rad.

It's a sacred system.
David and I were married that way.

And you want what you
and David have for Rachel?

Melissa, I sense subtext.
A hate subtext.

Here's a question.

When was the last time you
and David were...physical?

Well, Aaron was
born in December 2012,

so nine months before that.

Oh, Christ.

Sounds to me like you're caught
in a psychological bear trap.

If you admit that
arranged marriage is bad,

you have to admit that your
own marriage could be bad.

You pull on that thread,
and your whole relationship

could unravel - like a
big, sexless cardigan.

David, would you like to...

..share a hug?

Oh. Yes.

That sounds wonderful.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Could you go up...? Could you
maybe just...? Ooh, sorry. My hands.

If you go over the side, I'll go...

Do you know what? I have a headache.

What did I just witness?

Nothing, Aaron. Your father's fine.

Hmph. Back in the day, we
used to hug like rabbits.

Dad, do you want to help me out?

I've cooked Andrew miso broth
that Mary used to make.

Do you want to deliver it?

You're not just trying to make
me feel useful, are you, Aaron?

Well... Please, let me do it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Andrew, I have your liquid meal!

Enjoy!

Do you have prior medical experience?

DOOR OPENS, RACHEL GASPS
Too slow, Rachel.

I'm going to need
to know what that was.

Don't use my icy stare against me.

I've honed mine over years.

It's for a job.

Paramedic training.

I thought you were choosing
a more traditional path like me.

You run your own business.

Yes, but that was only
after 20 years of marital...

..bliss. Such a long
pause there, Mum.

Look, I know you've made a
concession with university.

So how about you
give courtship a try

and, in return, you can do this.

So, to get my own job, I need to open
myself up to a lifelong marriage.

I'm going to take your
silence as saying "yes",

but you're too ashamed to
say it out loud.

I wouldn't refute that.

Deal.

OK, here we go!

I don't know who Mrs Abijah is,

but I do know how
she wants me to look.

Mm.

Are you sure there's going
to be a Mrs Abijah?

Why wouldn't there be a Mrs Abijah?

Because me dad couldn't find
your match card. Ha-ha-ha.

Samson was just joking.

Look, if I got married,
I'd be happier,

I'd be more energised.

And when I had kids, there'd be lots
of little Abijahs running around.

Basically lots more me.

I mean, what could
he have against that?

Yeah, no idea.

Hey, imagine us two roomies married.

We'd have to get a few more bags...
Abijah.

If we were married,
we wouldn't be living together.

Hmph. If that's how you feel, Josh.

It's a one-bed flat...
If that's how you feel, Josh!

Mm.

Where are you off to, Aaron?

I'm going to speak
to Andrew on my own.

A one-to-one chat with Andrew?

Solo?

Can I come? I'd rather not, Dad.

I thought delivering soup
was within your skill set,

but now Andrew's carpet
smells of soy beans forever.

So I caused a man
some property damage.

This is nothing new!

That's bad, Dad.

That's bad that that isn't new.

Andrew's delicate.

When you talk, people tend
to get angry or confused.

Usually both.

Of course.

I'll just get back to my tapes.

OK, here's the deal.

If you really do want
to come, you can't talk.

Well, if I don't talk,
why am I coming? Indeed.

Seriously, Dad, not a word.

I'd even go as far as saying
if you do speak,

all the goodwill
between us would evaporate.

We'd no longer be father and son,

just two weird acquaintances
with a big age gap who live

in the same house for some reason.

Do you still want to come? Aaron...

..yes, I do.

You really don't need to
stick around for this. Please.

Front row tickets to the freak show?

Where's the popcorn?

This is a perfectly normal process.

Those are some of the boys
Rachel will be meeting. Ugh.

They look like a bunch of incels
grown in a pale, sickly lab.

These are supposed to be held
by children during Candlemas.

Well, today, it's held by a
man in pursuit of his woman.

Marrying a faithful ordinand
is Rachel's best chance

of getting into Paradise.

And you become single again
in Paradise, do you?

No.

Oh, dear. Hello, Samson.

See, Josh? I do have a seat.

Yeah, there's an odd number,
so I'm using you as a placeholder.

No... Sampson, are you joking?

You want me to watch on impotently
while everyone except me finds love?

Have fun. OK, everyone.

Ten minutes per match.

If you ain't bonded in that time,
it ain't never going to happen.

Blessings on finding the one.
BELL RINGS

Ugh. Ooh!

In Mark 8:23, Jesus heals
a blind man with spit.

But then in John 9:6,
he heals him with mud.

Why is that?

Uh, I guess I don't really
have an opinion.

Yeah, most girls don't.

BELL RINGS
It's a Christingle.

And if you pick me, it's yours.

Could you give me your number?

I share a mobile with my sister.
BELL RINGS

My aunt was blessed with the
Holy Spirit in a cellar in Glasgow,

and I've always wanted to
take someone there with me.

BELL RINGS

Hello, Rachel.

Just placeholder Abijah here.

Always just a placeholder.

Ah, life is long, isn't it?

Life is long.

BELL RINGS

Hi.

Hi.

Aaron, you think you want my help,

but everything I touch turns to ruin.

I couldn't protect my tree.

I couldn't protect Joel.

I'm losing my grip.

Those things don't define
you, Andrew.

We need you. I need you. And with
Samson's arranged marriages,

I don't know what my
future looks like.

Couldn't your father help?

I would like someone who
isn't my father to help.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Dad, remember what we agreed?

Thank you for coming and showing
your support, David.

Although you haven't
really weighed in.

You do agree with Aaron, don't you?

That I should return to the church?

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you think I'm damaged
goods, David, tell me.

Oh, you think I'm irredeemable?

Tell me one thing, David.

Is it just you, or does everyone
at the church feel the same way?

SOBBING: Oh, I'm a disgrace.

I infect everything I touch.

What did you say?

Oh, I said nothing.

So, how's it going?

I spent the last two months offering
Jesus to girls with brighter

futures than me. You?

I feel renewed, full of purpose.

I can tell.

Nice suit. Thank you.

You look like the M&S
back-to-school sale came to life.

I wanted to show I'm committed.

So committed that you dobbed me in.

What? Josh, you
told on me to Samson.

Which is why I couldn't go to uni.

Which is why my realistic
five-year plan involves

being a tradwife to a man
who makes Christingles.

Rachel, my...my dad already knew.

You told on me, and then
you ghosted me for two months.

I was following the rules
so I could come back.

That's what you asked me to do.
Yeah.

I said, "Come back to the order
by throwing me under the bus."

I didn't throw you under the bus!

I just told Samson what he needed
to hear so I could see you again.

OUTGOING MESSAGE TONE

PHONE BUZZES

You thought I was ghosting you?

"Rachel, I'm so sorry."

It's a bit late, Josh.

"I've missed you every day I've been
on penance."

"I already submitted my match
card with you as my match,

"and if you give me a chance
to redeem myself, I will."

If you're wondering how
I typed that so quickly,

it's because I copied it from a
notes page that I've been anxiously

editing for about a month.
BELL RINGS

Ah.

Me again.

I've done the whole circuit.

Everyone,

our fallen congregant, Joel,

has something he'd like to say.

"I...I, Joel Johnson, do hereby
agree to take a vow of chastity.

"I commit to partaking in no
sexual activity with any woman

"to whom I am not married."

Turn the page.

"And due to my behaviour,

"I also agree...never to marry."

Keep reading.

"I will abstain from all
sexual release, including

"and especially self-administered."
Samson I'm... Well done.

Yeah, that is binding, that is.
Um... That is binding.

Would you say this is healthy?

We've just watched a room full
of teenagers applaud a man

for agreeing not to wank.

Yeah.

And do you agree that
not w*nk*ng is healthy?

I've managed.

Oh, Fiona, you make me so sad.

Wondering whether to hand in early?

It must be nice having that option.
But one date left.

You may as well wait. You could
be swept off your feet by...

Jebediah.

Yeah. Sounds like a real catch.

Hey! You're Jebediah?

Please, call me Jeb.

We're supposed to be finished.

Must be going pretty well over there.

ABIJAH CHUCKLES
You know, it's so funny.
She was just about to

hand in her card
right after your date,

and I told her to
give this guy a try.

And look what's happening!

I thought Leviticus said
tattoos weren't allowed.

Yeah. Leviticus 19.

You see? "Do not mark your flesh."

I don't think faith
is a list of rules.

I think it's about
experiencing God's creation.

Everything, and everyone, in it.

All right, shall we head home?

Remind me, are you
bed or bag tonight?

Oh... I think bed. Cool.

But remember, tomorrow's bag.

Aaron's angry for some reason.

I guess he is nearly a teenager.

If we were in hell,
we wouldn't know.

The devil wouldn't tell us.

Hi.

In my old chapter,
we used to hug goodbye.

Is it OK if we...?

OPERATIC MUSIC

QUIETLY: That was wonderful.

Bye, David.

DAVID EXHALES SHARPLY

David, shall we hug? Um...

Thanks, Fiona, but I think I'll need