01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

How was your first day

at the care home?

Amazing. I got to feed pureed

casserole to an old man

with chewing difficulties. You know

that feeling when you help someone?

Help someone swallow a casserole?

No, I don't. And I don't think I

want to.

How are you getting home?

Just a tram, then a bus then

another tram,

but I'm happy to avail myself

of Oldham's transport system.

It's extremely reliab

Oh, no, you didn't finish your sentence

on the Greater Manchester Tram Network.

Might be the most boring

cliffhanger ever.

All trams are cancelled.

I meant it when I said I could give

you a lift.

And I meant it when I said,

"Thanks, but sharing a vehicle would

be inappropriate."

Well, enjoy your four-hour walk

home. It's the appropriate choice.

David! You came back.

Sometimes suffering brings growth.

Job was afflicted with skin sores,

Jonah was eaten by a whale,

I

..work in this delivery office.

I'm just so grateful

that you're here.

Well, if you really want

to thank me,

explain why this is in the medium

pile when it's clearly under 500g.

Are you sure?

It's 495g, Sid. It's painful to

me you can't see that.

Huh, close.

Nice to see even you can get

a bit rusty!

If the police stop us, promise you'll

say you're not a kidnapping victim?

Joshua, don't make this weird.

I'm the one making this weird?

I'm not ashamed to be with you.

I'm ashamed to be seen with you.

Nothing offensive there.

Speedbump.

Oh! Sorry.

You got much on this week?

Well, it's my birth date

on Friday, so no.

Rachel, birthday.

In the real world, we say birthday.

No, birthdays are debauched.

Sure, it might look fun

to have

..presents and cake

and loved ones, but

Were you building to a point there?

On Friday, I will celebrate

the right way.

By not celebrating.

And since I'm coming of age, I get

to go to Abijah's special sermon.

Abijah's a special sermon?

It's a talk on relationships

and courtship and

Sex. Relationships and courtship.

Got you.

Well, if you're free Friday,

you could always come to mine.

Unless not celebrating's going

to take up your whole day.

Let me know.

Ah, wonderful.

Still working away, I see,

on your business. Mm-hm.

And that random power cut

didn't break your flow?

You didn't interpret that as a sign

from God to stop?

David, are you so scared of being

direct with me

you'd rather trip the fuse box

than tell me how you feel?

No! We just have a dodgy fuse box.

And the fact the kettle reliably

trips it,

that hadn't crossed my mind.

However, since I'm here

Melissa's coming to look at stock

tomorrow. David, if you want more

of my attention, how about you ask

for it instead of holding me

ransom to power outages?

I'm going to make a peppermint tea.

Oh, no! Did that get you?

I switched to the emergency

power bank.

The one you got for the apocalypse.

So glad I bought that.

Thanks so much for approving

this, Elder.

I can't wait to stir

these young hearts.

Oh, I was against this, Abijah.

Don't thank me.

Thank the 6-5 majority

that voted me down.

You're not going to stay,

are you, Dad?

Obviously not.

It's a teenage sex education talk.

Why would I Take a seat,

please, girls.

This isn't just about intercourse,

but how to make your relationships

rock solid when they might otherwise

drift apart.

Maybe I'll stick around,

make sure it's all above board.

First slide, please.

Uh-oh!

Dream catcher.

Sacrilegious.

Cherub-themed candle holder.

Gaudy.

"Bread Of Life" chopping board.

Sacrilegious and gaudy.

Wait. These are like purity rings.

I could sell these to Order girls.

Don't know how I feel about

burdening a whole wave of young

women with sexual shame.

I could buy them for 2, sell them

for eight.

f*ck yeah, do it.

That's a 400% mark-up.

Yeah. My principles die

in the low 80s.

Did you never think about kids?

Nah.

If I had kids, I'd just end up

resenting 'em,

and they'd resent me.

And then years later, I'd find out

they'd gone on some kind of spree.

There are no good sprees, Fiona.

It's easy to raise kids

in the Order.

Our Elders are masterful educators.

Boys -

gross! Right?

Well, not according to God.

Interesting quotation there.

Buy myrrh

Communion with the opposite sex

is natural.

And if you need proof,

check out this babe magnet.

In case you were wondering what

Elder Samson got up to when he was

still with the Prestwich chapter!

Those are my sisters.

Only joking, Elder.

Hannah passed away last year.

Next slide, please.

But it's not just

about finding a boy.

It's about finding the boy,

the one to share your first

time with.

And by first time,

he means kiss.

And by kiss, he means on the lips.

In case any of you are getting

any ideas.

I have a question on behalf

of my daughter.

Dad! If your partner's too busy

with work, what should you do?

Well, you could try to respect

her work.

Yeah. Keep going.

Why not make time for each other

by planning an exciting date?

Obviously, the dating ideas

from slide four are geared more

towards teenagers.

Email me slide four.

I have a question.

Are there any other ways I can

safeguard my virtue?

Well, girls, I'm going to go

against the grain a little here

and say that now is the time

for discovery.

Dating is just your journey

to the one,

so let's open those minds.

OK, I'm shutting this down now.

Remove yourself.

Apologies for that, girls.

So, the real take-aways from this

are sex is for marriage,

dating is for marriage, and marriage

is to be kept within the Order.

Non-Order members are your enemies,

both personally and sexually.

Now, I'm going to pair you all up

for ministry.

Hopefully an afternoon of preaching

will scour your brains of everything

Abijah has just said.

Sister Lewis, you'll be

with Sister Angeli.

Sister Edna, you'll be with

Sister Clough. Dad, can we go?

I don't want to get paired with

anyone intense.

Calm yourself, Rachel.

I'm sure this Sister Angeli

is just as laid back as I am.

Hey, Sister, how long can you

preach for?

I've got nowhere to be

and boundless energy!

See?

Is this right?

We've fallen off my preaching map

and gone into the blank

space around it.

Oh, my.

Would you say we're very far

from the Order Church, Sister?

Yeah.

Great.

Hold.

God, I hate buckles.

It's Julia, by the way,

not Sister Angeli.

And I'm f*cking hungry.

There's a light in my life

Shining over me

There's a light in my life ♪

Shining over me ♪

Should we be in here?

They've got magazines with foil

on the cover.

This is disturbing.

It is disturbing - the idea you'd

buy those

when there's porn online for free.

And the pictures move.

Here. This is for me.

That way I can eat one bar, claim

there's summat wrong with the other,

still get a full refund.

Basically been recycling

my 65p for

Pfft. Half a year?

I should leave.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm not the Antichrist.

He'd be more subtle.

Just honest.

Jesus rewards honesty.

With Mars bars.

Well, can I have the other half?

Oh, Rachel.

No.

Shining over me. ♪

My love, I've returned to make your

day that little bit brighter.

You're literally

blocking out my light.

So, I've been thinking, we haven't

been on a date in a while.

Not since

Well, not since we were paired together

for our marriage meal with Elder Raab.

David, he chaperoned us

the whole time.

You put your hand on my knee

and he accused you of "infidelitas."

I don't think that qualifies

as a date.

The only date I've been on

is when the Elders nearly paired me

with Andrew 18 years ago.

Well, let's move away from the more

loathsome corners of history

and focus on the present.

What better way to celebrate our 18

years together

than with our well, our

first date?

Abijah's had some ideas.

I've eliminated skatepark

and Laser Quest,

but we could go to a silent disco.

Before you say it's too raucous,

remember, we don't have to put

the headphones on.

How about we go to that noodle

bar on Well Street?

Cuisine from Japan?

Fiona, the furthest I've been from

Greater Manchester is Guernsey.

You expect my taste buds

to cross whole continents?

David, here's what I really need -

streamlined website, cashless

transactions,

and for you to show my work

some respect.

Oh, there's that word again.

I respect your work all the time.

For instance

Fiona, I would like to buy a bag.

I already gave you a bag!

You haven't used it once.

Can I ask you to do one practical

thing for me?

Anything, Fiona. Wait.

Tell me what it is.

I might not want to do it.

Arrange childcare for Aaron.

He's on half-term.

And let me process my orders.

Sure, I'm free.

Don't you have a

delivery office shift?

Aaron, you're coming to work

with me today.

OK, Dad.

Childcare sorted.

You know what Elder Samson

said today?

Would you ever date anyone

who wasn't in the Order?

I only date people who aren't

in the Order.

Have you seen the Order boys?

They've all got names like Jeremiah.

And they only lost about ten

seconds. They last ten seconds?

I'll tell you when you're older.

But how do you make it work

with the rules?

There's this guy who wants

to hang out with me on Friday.

Do what all functional religious

people do -

contrive a loophole.

You're not dating. You're

..bringing him into the faith.

So, make peace with that.

Enjoy it.

OK. Right.

Rachel, will you get over here

and spin me?

And put your back into it.

I wanna feel the Gs.

This is it, Aaron,

my seat of command,

the nexus from which all

packages stream.

Cool. Um, David?

David, I'm not sure I'm comfortable

with you bringing your son here.

OK, Sid, why don't you show me

the rule that says I can't make

my 12-year-old son work?

Child Labour Act of 1933?

So you're gonna want to start by

grabbing a pack

Aaron, your zeal is infectious,

but that's the trolley

for out-of-county shipping.

It is out of county. It was in

the wrong pile.

How did you know this was

a Berkshire postcode?

It just felt right.

Samson's mane!

My seed is strong.

Maybe I will let him stay.

Whilst we talk here,

I'm already stressing about replying

to this guy,

and the spinning is making it worse.

Hmm. The more nauseous you get,

the more centred I feel.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. It's him.

It's him.

OK, so answer.

Now, in front of me.

Without peer pressure, you risk

making a responsible decision.

Hello? Hello.

Hey! It was fun having you crammed

in my footwell yesterday.

Yeah.

Yes. Fun.

So, have you made a decision

about Friday?

No pressure or anything. I just

wanted to Um

Friday, I have Bible study.

Could you move it?

Um

Maybe.

Cool. I think you know my address.

You ran off from it in a rage

like three weeks ago.

She wants to show

you her burning bush!

Figured you'd yell something,

so I hung up early.

Wait. Why is it burning?

You tell me, Rachel.

You tell me.

I'm wondering if I should

get your mother a gift. Mm-hm.

Surcharge sticker.

I could finally give her

that recording of my Bible reading.

I've got as far as Exodus.

And the energy I brought

to the parting of the Red Sea

surprised even me.

Doesn't that sound good?

A gift that lets her hear me

at full volume any time at all?

I guess just make sure it's not

something

..possessive. Could get her

a bracelet.

OK. And engrave it to say,

"David's. Only David's."

Hmm

I think Mum wants to know

that you care about her work.

Why do you think I work here all day

completely unappreciated?

David, you're my idol.

I've offered to give you

my job multiple times.

Totally thankless.

Just think about it.

Whoa there!

That's not enough postage

for a 600g package.

It's 585g, Dad.

Are you sure? Because

I'm just slowing you down, Aaron.

It's a privilege to watch.

Will his parents be there?

No. Nice.

You're definitely going to bang.

What?

I'm exaggerating.

You're too uptight for that.

You'll probably just snog each other

long past the point

where it's enjoyable.

I can't go. I

I can't go. I'm going to tell him

that I can't skip Bible study.

You're going to skip Bible study,

and I'm going to cover for you.

Really?

You'd do that for me?

Of course. Your relationship stories

are already tepid.

Do not take a step back.

Knockety-knock!

It's OK, Fiona. I haven't sabotaged

the power on this occasion.

Or any other occasion.

What is it, David?

I bought you something.

David, I'm not sure I want any of

your gifts right now.

The last time you gave me something,

it was a locket of my hair you'd

taken without my knowledge.

Collected from your pillow, Fiona.

I didn't use scissors. That would

have crossed a line.

It's a card reader.

I actually need this. I'm

I'm going to use this.

I'm going to use one of your gifts

for the first time.

Come now, what about that feminine

shaver I bought you?

For the first time, David.

Oh, my chastity rings

have sold out.

Parents are panicking about

Abijah's sex talk.

And I'm taking that panic

to the bank.

Do you want to go to the noodle bar?

We could ask Melissa to babysit.

Melissa?

An outsider?

An intruder in my sacred grove?

Yes.

Sounds good.

Oh.

You're looking very smart, Aaron.

This is, at best, smart casual.

I'm not even wearing a tie.

So, what you want to do? TV?

Ice cream?

Vandalise your dad's stuff?

I'm cool with all of that.

I'm going to draw religious imagery.

Yeah?

That fun, is it?

Using my pencils for the glory of

God? What could be more fun?

You're a really weird kid, Aaron.

Kinda like you, though.

Thank you, Melissa.

I'm still forming my opinion of you.

My menu is my place mat?

Well, if you wanted to blow my mind,

you've succeeded.

I'll have the rice bowl. David?

I feel like I'm on

a culinary odyssey.

Tell me, waiter, this so-called

ramen, is it noodles or is it soup?

It's noodles in soup.

I'm going to need more time.

And why, pray tell, would I choose

to eat seaweed?

Come on up. I hope you're ready.

Hello?

Hello?

Don't come in. Oh.

Just finishing some stuff.

Why are all the lights dimmed?

To set the mood.

It's a special evening.

Now, traditionally, for this next

bit, you need to close your eyes.

Close my eyes?

Yeah.

Are they closed?

Mm-hm.

Stick out your hands.

Come on, this way.

There you go.

Look, I'm not ready to bang, OK?

Bang?

Wow. Let's park that red flag

for a sec.

This is what a week's worth

of dog walking buys you.

Helium's pricey, so you'll just have

to settle for my lung air.

Now, I know the Order says birthdays

are a pagan ritual.

That's fine, because this isn't

a birthday cake.

It's just a nondenominational sponge

that happens to have 17 candles

and your name on it.

You OK?

You haven't blinked

in the last 30 seconds.

Whoa!

Wow.

Aaron, this is amazing.

I love the detail.

Like this guy David.

So, he's throwing his stone

over here,

but on the opposite side, it is

hitting this guy in the head.

Goliath. Yeah.

Somebody finally noticed that.

Can you believe my dad

thought he was one of the Nephilim?

I mean, that's like mistaking Josiah

for the prophet Elijah.

Right.

What do you make of your dad, Aaron?

He finds a lot of things difficult,

but he tries.

Yeah.

Cor, that's a good six pack,

in't it? It's an eight pack.

This drink is delicious.

That's miso soup, David.

Fiona, you're a cultural queen.

How do you know all this stuff?

I googled the menu in advance.

And learnt rudimentary Japanese.

Arigato.

Wow.

You even know the waiter's name.

David, before you start

on that

..dumpling Mm-hm.

..it was very thoughtful what

you got me earlier, so

You got me a return token of love?

You can just rip it.

It's from my wife.

I'm going to savour it.

Might even keep the wrapping

paper in one single

Oh.

Oh, Fiona.

But I'm not really an Elder.

They didn't choose me.

But I chose you, David.

All those years ago.

And you'd choose me again today?

I chose you, David.

I can't wait to see what people

think when I wear this in church.

Never wear it in church.

No. Right. Of course.

Hmm.

So bang.

I'm impressed you know

what it means, to be fair.

You've only just learnt

what a birthday is.

I'm sorry. Someone told me.

It's OK.

How's your cake?

I scraped all the icing off.

Didn't want to blow your mind.

What's up?

Nothing.

This is really nice.

Yeah? You don't sound sure.

No, I am.

Thank you for remembering

my birthday.

Friends always remember birthdays.

Yeah.

Friends.

It's Me, O Lord by Pastor TL

Barrett and Youth for Christ Choir