01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Kicking us off, as she does
every year,

the First Lady of British
folk music herself...

...Shirley Collins.

Happy Eel Day, everyone.

♪ Adieu to Old England, adieu

♪ And adieu to some hundreds
of pounds

♪ If the world had been ended

♪ When I had been young

♪ My sorrows I'd never have known

♪ Once I could drink of the best

♪ The very best brandy and rum

♪ Now I'm glad of a cup of
spring water

♪ That flows from town to town

♪ Adieu to Old England, adieu

♪ And adieu to some hundreds
of pounds

♪ If the world had been ended

♪ When I had been young

♪ My sorrows I'd never have
known. ♪

Come on, Town Mouse. Wake up.

Everyone's waiting!
Stop smacking me!

What do you mean waiting?
Waiting for what?

You! Eel Queen.

Me, Eel Queen?

No, no. It can't be me.

Please, please!

Stop. Stop!

What am I wearing?!

You can't just knock people out
and change their clothes.

Ha!

If I haven't got my pants on,
I'm calling the police.

DISTANT: Oh, no, it's Linda. It's
never. It's Linda, look!

Please, please.

This has gotten way out of hand.
I need a wee.

All Hail Linda,
the first-ever Eel Queen.

All hail, Linda.

Why am I going in the water?

Need to cleanse you before
the festival.

Just symbolic is all.

Summer solstice.

Death of the old, birth of the new.

It's a joyful thing, Linda.

Try and enjoy it.

Don't worry. We'll be in and out
like a cantucci.

Linda, as you make your journey
through menopause, we baptise

you with immersion,

using the cleansing and healing
powers of water,

signifying death, burial
and resurrection.

We celebrate your rebirth

as you share these magical waters

with the eel, as it makes its way
back to the Sargasso Sea,

back to its destiny.

Sounds like the menopause to
me, Linda.

Three cheers for Linda. Hip-hip...

What makes you so bloody special?
Nothing. That's what!

Here's to friendship.

CHEERING

In my eyes.

I've got soap in me eyes. Ah!

Where's the towels?

Kids, please hang the towels up!

Ah!

HE GROANS

Ah! Ah, thank God.

Oh, that's better.

APPLAUSE

The procession starts at 3pm
outside the Five Alls.

You enjoy today, Linda.

Well, I mean, I don't know
what's going to happen.

It's all getting a bit too Wicker
Man for me.

Joy? Joy? Uh-huh? Can I have
a word with you, please?

Oh, can it wait, Linda? I'm busy
uploading everything onto

the live feed. What's going on?

Why did they pick me?

The Eel sisters wanted it to be
a childless woman.

Like them.

I'm sure whatever you've done,

you've done it for a good reason.

You represent change, Linda.

That's what today is all about.

You're a menopausal woman
passing through.

Not only that, you brought
the community together.

The eviction notice,
Faither's memorial,

the men's menopause and curry night.

We've changed people's minds.

You make the perfect Eel Queen.

Enjoy your moment.

Oh, and smile!

More. More!

WHISTLING

No, no, no!

Kids!

Did you see that?
Did you see what happened?

I gave you one job.

Match it up, then put it in!

They can't hear me.

I don't f*cking believe it.

Get this down to Pig Man and he'll
get it down to the Verderer.

Righto, Carm. Mind them fins,
they're fragile.

Almost done, Cinderella.

Can I see? Yeah.

Take a photo.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh! Oh, my God.

I love it!

It says put... Match the Tupperware.

Don't match the Tupperware.

Match the Tupperware.
PHONE RINGS

What?

Slow down, Siobhain.

You've seen Linda where?

What's...? What's Instagram stories?

Is it on WhatsApp or another
messaging...?

Send it. Hang on.

VIDEO ON PHONE: All hail Linda
the first-ever Eel Queen!

All hail, Linda!

Well, I wasn't expecting that,
but you know.

What do you mean she hasn't told
anyone about us?

Why would she do that? I...

I've been here run ragged
the last few weeks,

like a sl*ve.

Literally like an unpaid sl*ve.

Why would she not tell anyone
about us?

I'll tell you what. Time's up, Linda.

I am not invisible.

I am... Argh!

That's my ankle!

Can't you see me?

Happy Eel Day, Jim.

I've got something for you to try
on from the Eel Sisters.

I'll watch the tree
for you while you're gone.

Kids!

I'm off to do a couple of hours
of fishing with the lads.

I'll be back before tea.

Don't burn the house down!

Welcome to the 2022 Eel Festival!

CHEERING

As you know, we're doing things
a bit different this year.

Yeah, we're still celebrating eels.

Wouldn't be no eel festival without
eels. But giving it a woman's touch.

Yeah! From time immemorial, we women
have had masculine iconography

and phallic symbolism shoved
down our throat.

From prehistoric cave art and Greek
mythology to the totem and maypoles.

I thought the maypoles represented
crops coming up out of the ground.

Well, it don't! It represents male fertility.

It represents something coming up
but it ain't a courgette!

So this year it's going to be less
of this.

And a bit more of this!

CHEERING

What's up, lads? Female
representations of fertility

offend you?

You was born out of one
of these, unless you've come out

of some poor woman's as*h*le.
What is it, though?

Sheela na gig, Brian.

Medieval stone carving. Some say
a fertility goddess,

some say an architectural grotesque
to ward off evil.

But we're reclaiming her as a woman
who don't give a sh*t!

CHEERING

For thousands of years we've been
looking at men's willies.

Well, you can
look at our fannies for a bit.

MEN CHEER

On our terms!
MEN: Aw!

Unbuckle me, Brian.

CROWD: Go on, Brian. Go on, Brian.
Unbuckle her.

Today we celebrate women's
transition from one world

to the next, from puberty
and menopause,

and finally rebirth.

And as we mark the eel's final
journey back to its birthplace

in the Sargasso Sea... To reproduce
and die,

let us also mark woman's

as she embarks on her final
journey back to her true self!

Over to you, Linda, Eel Queen!

May all your transitions be joyful.

ALL: May all your transitions
be joyful!

MUSIC STARTS

You look banging.
Well, thank God for that.

It's a minefield for white
people, Joy,

all this blackface stuff.
No, it isn't.

Just don't do it, Tone.

TRILLING, CHEERING
AND CLAPPING

Wait for me!
I'm one of the eel children.

I'm one of the eel children!

You've made it!

You've got your fins!

The first station is...

...puberty.

Puberty, puberty!

Would a girl like to come up?

Willow! Yeah, go on!

Puberty where it all begins.

As she transitions from childhood
to adulthood,

everything changes.

Yep. No longer a child, not yet
a woman,

she tries to make sense of her
unfamiliar changing body.

Aw! Cute, she's ready.

LINDA COUGHS

It happens so fast, doesn't it,
Willow?

One day you're packing your
favourite teddy for a sleepover,

and the next it's sanitary towels. LAUGHTER

Do you know how I dealt with my
puberty, Willow?

I became a Goth.

You won't think this because
the world is doing a really good job

of telling you the exact opposite,

but what you look like is not
the most important thing about you.

That's right. That's right.

So don't waste time comparing
yourself to others or worrying

about what other people
think of you,

and don't...

And don't wait until you're 50
to love yourself,

because you, Willow, are brilliant
and amazing and unique.

And there's no-one else like you.

We're not meant to look the same.

We're supposed to be different.

Our fingerprints, our faces.
Our vulvas.

Woo!

I wasn't going to mention vulvas
but now you have,

every single vulva in this
procession today is completely

unique and magical.

Vulvas are like snowflakes
made of gammon.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Willow.

May all your transitions be joyful.

Make all your transitions be joyful!

Ready?

CHEERING

Oi, do you guys know Linda?

CHEERING AND MUSIC

The second station - menopause.

SHOUTING: Menopause!

Would a menopausal women
like to come up?

Sarah?

Go on, Sarah! Go on!

Well, I'd just like to say

me and the lads was firmly
against the womanisation

of the festival at first.

But we think it's right

women has a go, at last!

And, well, we need to know about
the menopause and all,

so we can help our wives when
they're f*cking mental.

Yeah. Mm.

Thank you, Brian.

Nice to have a man's perspective
on the menopause.

Well spoken.

Ravaged by menstruation, pregnancy,

childbirth, breast-feeding,

high heels and spandex. Must now
prepare for its final onslaught.

Amnesia, anxiety, depression,

cardiovascular disease,

osteoporosis.

And last but not least,
vaginal dryness!

QUIETLY: Thank you.

I didn't know anything about
the menopause until a man told me

I was in it.

Sounds right!

I thought I had dementia.

You too, Sarah.

Without the menopause,

I wouldn't have had the confidence
to come here.

I wouldn't have made new friends,
and I wouldn't be Eel Queen.

And I know that every menopause
is different

and that a third of women
will be having a really, really hard

time of it, and it hasn't been plain
sailing for me,

but I feel great.

I really do.

I feel liberated...

and powerful,

like I've joined a club of cool,
wise, brilliant women.

And I see them.

And I know that they see me.

I see you, Sarah.

Thank you.

May all your transitions be joyful.

May all your transitions be joyful!

CHEERING

The third station - rebirth.

CROWD: Rebirth!

As she approaches her final
chapter, Reborn Woman realises

all the violations and inequalities
her foremathers endured.

The sexual harassment,
objectification, unequal pay,

molestation, the loss of autonomy,

the belittling. The r*pe,
the m*rder,

the domestic violence, honour killings.

Female genital mutilation.

Breast ironing. Arranged marriages.

Child brides. Prostitution.
ICE CREAM TRUCK JINGLES

Ooh! Ice cream.

MAN: Oh, ask him if he does rum
and raisin.

Reborn Woman realises she will die
before any of these are eliminated.

Perhaps this is the cause
of her anger,

not the lack of oestrogen.

Yes!

Come on, Jackie. It's your turn now.

CHEERING

Linda.

This is what today is all about,

coming out the other side.

We recognise and celebrate
you, Jackie.

You made it.

You made it!

May all your transitions be joyful!

Make all your transitions be joyful!

Come on, Jackie! Jackie, come on!

CHAINSAW

Faither's memorial.

Would you like to say a few words,
Eel Queen?

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Um...

As you all know, this was Faither's
favourite spot.

I never met Faither, but I know
how important

he was to the community.

You'll all each have your own
personal memories of him,

both good and bad.

And so let's take a moment
to remember those now.

BREAKS INTO WHISPER:

CHAINSAW ROARING

GASPING

Tree!

WHISPERING

MEMORY: It's been here hundreds of
years, just like our forefathers.

And foremathers. Maybe it's
a magic tree.

Linda?

Who the f*ck are you?

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you
I'd be kissing

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear,
it's you I'd be kissing

♪ She smiled and replied you don't
know what you're missing. ♪