07x06 - The Truck Stops Here

[bunniefuu]

- ALL: Surprise!
- What the hell?

It's not my birthday.
Is it your birthday?

- You don't know my birthday?
- It's not her birthday, you dumbasses.

Well, actually, the
dumbasses are here to

wish you well at your deposition.

Yeah, we know you're dreading being

grilled about Roseanne's death
by some big-pharma legal snake.

I want you to take this.

This is my lucky b*llet.

That's in case you get
mad and you can run over

and shove it into somebody.

No, no, this b*llet was in my g*n

when I was a cop staring down
a suspect who was holding

a hostage at knifepoint.

And I thought, if I have
to sh**t this b*llet,

I might hit the hostage.

The suspect surrendered,
and I never had to sh**t.

So now this b*llet represents
bad things that don't happen.

Thank you.

I appreciate your support.

I am a little afraid that when
those guys start pushing me,

I'm gonna lose my cool.

- You got this, Dad.
- It'll be good.

- It'll be good.
- [cell phone alarm rings]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Yep.

[clears throat]

Well, the synapse bridges
have finally collapsed,

and now she's just on random activity.

No, no, no, no, no.

Police physical.

Short blasts for heart rate.

You know, if you don't get on the force,

maybe the insane asylum
has a track team.

Sorry Ben wasn't here, guys.

When he gets involved in a project,

he loses track of time, space,

and things he made vows to.

Yeah, I saw how obsessed
he was during the two hours

I worked for him.

Was he like that when you
two ran the mugshot magazine?

Yeah, I guess.

Who are you again, and why are you

asking me personal questions?

Ben really should have been here.

Even the guy that Harris
sexually harassed showed up.

Oh, that's who you are.

Hey!

He's not my victim. He's my boyfriend.



[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.

[yells]

What are you doing?

Well, one of the tests
is clearing obstacles

during a foot pursuit.

- Oh. Well, I-I can spot you.
- Okay, good.

Because I've got the angle
and the speed of approach.

- Okay? So all right, here I come.
- Okay.

[yells]

You know what? It would really help

if it felt more realistic.

So go get the TV

and pretend like you're
running away with it.

Oh, I can pretend I have the TV.

I-I did improv in college.

Okay.

Ha-ha! I'm getting away.

Nobody can catch me.

Not even against this strong wind.

Stop! Police!

[yells]

I can't do it.

I can't... I'm gonna look
like an idiot in front

of all those cops again.

No.

Come on.

You can do this.

You just need that rush of
adrenaline in the moment.

They always talk about
those mothers who get

superhuman strength, and they can

lift cars off their babies.

But they never tell you

about the ones who get it halfway up,
and drop it.

- I can't do it.
- Sure you can.

Oh, no!

This TV fell on a baby.

If only someone was here who could...

[yells]

You are right in here.

- Hi, Dan.
- Hi.

Hi. I am representing you today.
My name is Erica.

Uh, where's Jean?

Her car wouldn't start.

It's one of those new models,

the "you gotta blow under 0.08" SUV.

Oh my God.

Let me assure you,

I reviewed the case,
and I'm totally prepared.

You have the option to postpone,
if you'd like, Mr. Conner.

Oh, no, sir. Let's do this today.

Tomorrow I'll drop by
for a purely social visit.

Remember, they're trying to trap you

into saying Roseanne's
death was her own fault, okay?

Stay calm.

Take a beat before you answer.

[breathing heavily]

I had five cups of coffee
and an energy drink

to keep me focused
before I came over here.

So if I clutch my chest
and fall to the floor,

that's not a response to the question.

Just a few more questions.

It's been seven years,
so I'm sure your recollection

is somewhat blurry.

No, sir.

It's easy to remember
someone k*lling your wife.

Yeah, it's a tragedy.

Is it true that Roseanne had
an addictive personality?

No, it's not.

- So no history of overeating?
- No, sir.

She ate the exact right
amount to maintain her weight.

I understand that she took drugs

that were not prescribed by her doctor.

Is that true?

Yes, she did.

Her prescription ran out,
and by that time,

she needed more just to keep working.

So she got some from her friends...

So you knew that she was taking

drugs that were not
prescribed by her doctor

before she overdosed?

Yeah.

Yeah. And when I found out,
I flushed them.

Did you ever search
the house after that?

No, sir.

She told me those were all
the pills, and I believed her.

You claim to be destroyed
by the loss of your wife.

How come you didn't try harder
to keep her from abusing

pills that could k*ll her?

Sir, I did everything I could.

Or maybe you just don't
wanna take responsibility

for what happened.

If you're saying what
I think you're saying,

that might be the last thing
you say, you son of a b*tch.

I told her she could overdose.

So, Roseanne knew she was doing

something that was potentially deadly,
and she did it anyway.

Well, that clearly
is not the company's fault.

Yes, it was.
It was the fault of the company.

She kept taking those pills
because you didn't tell her

that they would change
how her brain worked

and turn her into an addict.

You don't care how many
families you've destroyed.

The only thing you care about is money.

And I hope everybody that
walks through that door soaks you

for everything you've got.

But even if I took every penny you had,
it wouldn't be enough.

Because you took the love of my life,
and you k*lled her,

the same as you put a g*n to her head.

The only difference is
you handed her the g*n

and told her it wasn't loaded.

That would be standing defiantly.

How'd your, uh...
how'd your dad's deposition go?

Uh, Louise said it was pretty rough.

This whole week has sucked.

Oh, and with Mark gone,
the house must feel

pretty empty right now.

Thanks, sunshine.

Oh, look who's here.

Down and Downer.

Is she having an affair?

Uh, I don't know, honey.

But some men like to punish themselves.

How about we go get tacos for dinner?

Why don't we just order some here?

Oh, because this food is awful.

And we've never actually seen
each other outside

these four walls and dim lighting.

I mean, you might be
a teenage boy I've been

unwittingly plying with booze.

Right back at ya.

But doing it someplace else
would be kind of weird.

I don't know, it might be kind of fun.

You know, like a date.

A date?

Why would we go on a date?

Because we enjoy each other's company,

and our marriages are blowing up.

You're miserable.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

For me, miserable is just a Tuesday.

Did you ever tell your husband about me?

No. I mean, why would I?
You're a friend.

Have you ever had another friend

you didn't tell your husband about?

I did not tell him
about the dry cleaner.

He gives me 10% off.

Darlene...

Look, I'm sorry.

I-I let this become
something it shouldn't have.

We have to stop hanging out.

Good. Because I think
we're getting too close,

and I'm not comfortable with it anymore.

Yeah, I'm... I'm going.

No, I think you should go.

Okay.

They just talked.

There's nothing going on
unless he follows her out.

And there he goes.

This is horrible.

I have to stop this.

I already tried.

I'll go talk to Ben.

I think there's still
time for them to fix this.

I-I hope so.

I really like Ben.
I don't wanna lose him in this family.

Maybe there's a way that he
can stay and she can leave.

I declare w*r.

If you don't start
laying some cards down,

- this is gonna be a bloodbath.
- [exhales]

I'm sorry.

Jean promised she'd watch
the deposition for me

and let me know if I screwed up.

[sighs] Well...

Holy cow.

The drug company lawyer called Jean.

They're cutting me a check.

Oh my God!

Dan, you did it.

They're dropping it over tomorrow.

What's this feeling I'm having?

Whatever it is,
I don't wanna drown it in beer.

[chuckles]

- I think it's joy.
- Yeah.

We gotta celebrate. Joy.

We're going to toast
with the stuff I bought,

just in case the Conners ever got a win.

Uh, yeah.

Was '82 a good year for Champale?

- Was there a bad year?
- Ah.

Dan, I am so proud of you.

You know, Rosie's the
reason for all this.

I want to call the kids.

We could meet up at the cemetery

and open the check together.

Yeah. I'm gonna stay here.

It's really a family thing.

Hey, you know you're part of the family.

Oh.

I know all this talk about
her has been rough on you.

Yes, it has been.

But I got past it, until today.

Maybe I shouldn't say this,

but when you said she was
the love of your life,

it kind of made me
wonder what that made me.

I did say that.

And I'm admitting it because
I'll never lie to you.

And it's on video.

She was the love
of that part of my life.

But when I met you, my life
started all over again.

But hearing all the
stories of you two, it just...

you had 40 years together.

It kind of made me feel like

what we'll have pales in comparison.

Not to me, it doesn't.

How many times have I told
you "Godfather II"

is infinitely
better than "The Godfather"?

Oh.

And there's a million incredible things

that we're gonna do
that I never did with her.

Like?

Like... you're gonna be
around to see me die.

She would have k*lled for that.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey.

We need to talk.

Just for a second, though.

I'm gonna take a quick shower and then

surprise Darlene at the Lobo for a drink

before I gotta get back to work.

Oh, so tonight's the night you

finally come out of your coma
and remember you have a wife?

I detected a wee bit
of judgment in that.

You completely abandoned your marriage.

That's why Darlene is out with
her boyfriend Chad right now.

[scoffs]

What the hell are you talking about?

She's been having drinks
with the same guy every night

for the past month.

There is no way she would do that to me.

Wouldn't she?

You didn't text.

You didn't call.

My sister leans towards men
for attention.

And if you let her lean too far,
she lays down under them.

- Unbelievable.
- She's not there.

I saw her leave with Chad.

Hello? Anybody home?

Holy hell, she brought him back here.

Oh, you're here. Well, this is perfect.

Nope. He's not here.

My bad. Going to bed. Night.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Sit down. We need to talk.

I know about Chad.

Oh, that saves time.

What's going on, Darlene?

Nothing is going on.

I needed a friend to talk to,

and he took it for something more.

Well, what did you do to make him think

it was something more?

I wore my tightest baggy pants

and my garage-sale T-shirt
that says "It's wine o'clock."

That's on me.

We just needed to talk
because both of our partners

have abandoned us.

[sighs]

You didn't sleep with him?

God, no. I'm not sleeping with anybody.

Not him, not you.

I mean, I guess you could accuse me

of sleeping with
Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo.

I didn't abandon you.

- I was working.
- Okay.

You completely dropped out of my life.

And you know what really hurt?

Is that it didn't seem
to bother you at all.

- Of course it did.
- Give me a break.

You know, if Becky hadn't talked to you,
you'd be at work.

I'd be sitting here alone again.

You're not wrong.

And I should have told you
that I missed you.

Yeah, you should have.

Stupid.

I lost sight of what's
important, so I'm sorry.

And I was a lousy partner.

I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have been
hanging out with that guy.

And you're a good partner.

I mean, compared to my previous
husband, you're Barack Obama.

If I died tomorrow,

would you text this guy?

Why would I text somebody
I'm laying next to in bed?

[laughs]

[bluesy harmonica music]

Dad, it feels like a storm is coming.

Can't we just open the envelope?

No, we have to wait for everyone.

This is too big a moment.

Well, guess what.

[all yelling]

When the adrenaline kicked in,
all the self-doubt

left my body, and I made that
obstacle course my b*tch.

[laughter]

That's great. You're back on the force.

- With a deadly weapon.
- Yeah.

[chuckles]

Oh, this is a great day for the family.

Sometimes people like us think,
you don't get a silver lining,

but if you keep on
pushing, sometimes you do.

Uh, can I say something, too?

Um, Neville and I had
a really crappy home life.

So it took me a while to...
to understand why you guys always

wanted to be with each other.

But now I know.

It's because, obviously,
Roseanne did something right

for her kids and her husband.

- Aw. That was beautiful, Louise.
- Yeah, sweet.

Now pull out the check
and make it rain, Big Daddy.

Whoo!

This is from the lawyer
for the drug company.

"Dear Mr. Conner, yesterday,
the eloquence with which

"you expressed the pain of your loss

"moved us in a way we didn't expect.

"But precedent has shown that
any jury would agree that

"Mrs. Conner knew the dangers,

"yet continued to put her life at risk.

"The enclosed check admits
no liability but is offered

"as a tribute to your
unwavering commitment

to your beloved wife."

How much did they give you?

$700.

The memo says "for transportation...

and miscellaneous."

Well, we always wondered how
much a Conners' life is worth.

Now we know.

[chuckling] $700.

[laughing]

[laughter]

This is so on brand.

[laughter]

Hey, screw this.

Let's put this money to good use.

I'll order some food to the house.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Hey, Mom.

I'm still sober.

Can you believe it?

And my psychology degree
is really paying off.

I got an incredible job.

Oh, and I met a great guy.

A little needy, but great.

Hi.

I tried to do what I thought
you would do for the family.

It's not fair that you
were here for the hard part

and you didn't get to see
that things turned out okay.

I mean, okay for us,
not for regular people.

Mark and Harris are doing great.

And I found a guy, too,
and he's just like Dad.

That's Ben.

Hello.

Hey, Grandma.

I own your restaurant now.

The food's finally good.

Huh?

Right?

[laughs]

I'm really happy now.

I know you didn't think
that that was possible,

but I figured it out.

Oh, and by the way, I have
no idea where our mother is.

I miss you.

Um, it's a little bit chilly.

- I'm gonna meet you in the car.
- Okay, honey.

Okay.

Well, Rosie, we always said, if the kids

were still alive at the end
of the day, we did our job.

I think we did better than that.

Makes me realize we did the right thing

by not selling them.

I still can't believe you're not here.

Hey, I know you wanted
good things for me, too,

and it probably didn't include Louise.

But if you meet anybody,
wherever you are,

I'm cool with that.

[thunder booming]

Don't hit her with lightning.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, honey, I'm doing great.

I guess it would have been nice
for that check to be so big,

it brought down the damn company.

Very nice.

It was never about the money.

Well...

You know, going through all this

reminds me that no matter how
much crap life throws at us,

all we gotta do is look around.

Because if we hang together,

nothing can stop us.

- Amen, brother.
- Hey.

- Salud.
- Mm.

Well, Riley and I are going to head out.

Us too.

Yeah, I can't resist a
woman in uniform any longer.

Mm-hmm.

Just make sure you have
the keys to the handcuffs.

Learned that the hard way.

Well, I guess we're going to go, too.

Us too.

Uh, well, good night.

Good night.

Good night.

What is your problem?

You're my problem, you little slob.

You used to be almost normal.

Yeah, until you were born.

[squealing]

Cut it out!

But don't you wanna
save something like this

- for when you get married?
- [sobbing]

Oh.

[yelling]

Touchdown!

Yeah!

Good night.

I love you.

I love you too, Daddy.

How could you do something
that stupid and immature

for me?

I'll miss you.

Will you call?

Promise.

I love you, Becky.

I love you, Darlene.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

[child giggles]