01x09 - Mr. Cupcake Man

[bunniefuu]

Yooooo Jinglebells!

Hey guys. What's up?

Ah you know, just saw you

reading a book over here

looking all weird and sad so,

wanted to pop over
and say hello.

Thanks, I'm good.

What book you reading?

Uh, The Creative
Work by Rick Rosen.

Oh yeah, that's the big
time rap producer dude?

Bet he's got
some crazy a*s stories.

Mm, it's more of a
treatise on creativity.

I'm trying to hone in
on my next project.

You should write a
movie about Spiderman.

People love those.

I'm actually thinking
about creating

something a little
more impactful.

[baby crying]
Ssssh! Sssssh!

[baby crying]
Sorry.

Oh, it's totally fine.

Hey, do you feel mad?
Do you feel angry right now?

She's overtired.

When she gets like this
it's impossible to calm her.

Hey look!
Who likes cupcakes?

I'm a man holding cupcakes!!
I'm a cupcake man!!

I'm a Cupcake Man.

Look at me baby,
I'm a Cupcake Man!

[laughter]

Wow. You might actually have
something there.

I'll have to remember that one.

Sir. Those cupcakes are $9 each.

Oh come on, it's for the baby!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them
robots came along. ♪

♪ And now
there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000
bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're
Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not
sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're
still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just
Universal Basic Guys ♪

♪ Tiny turtle! Toot tootle
oot! Twirling around! ♪

♪ Tiny turtle! Toot tootle
oot! Swimming around! ♪

You see this crap, Hank?
Eight billion views.

I don't get it, okay.

My "Mr. Cupcake Man" song
that I was singing for that baby

that'd blow this crap
out of the water.

Yeah, that baby
sure was laughing.

Exactly.

We post that song online,

we could make a
billion babies laugh.

♪ Cupcake Man.
I'm a Cupcake Man! ♪

♪ Look at me, baby,
I'm a Cupcake Man! ♪

♪ I'm a hot dog man
I'm a hot dog man. ♪

♪ Look at me, baby,
I'm a h*-- ♪

Hold on. Stop.

Cut.

Yo Hank, what are you doing?

I'm singing "Mr. Hot Dog Man."

No, no Hank. You're
not a hot dog.

You're a sprinkle.
You're Sprinkle Boy.

Got it. Got it.

So do I sing a song
about sprinkles then?

Maybe something
like "Sprinkle Boy.

I'm a Sprinkle Boy. Sprinkle--

No no no. You don't sing, okay.

You are the silent
slapstick guy.

You do the goofy stuff
in the background okay,

like hit yourself in
the face with a pie

or a tennis racket...
you know, stuff like that.

Ooh, awesome.

Ok let's run it back.

Hit it, Dar.

♪ Cupcake Man.
I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

♪ Look at me, baby, I'm
a Cupcake Man... ♪

What in the hell?

Andrea, you gotta see this.

I think the Hoagies
just discovered peyote.

Ugh! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Everything okay over there?

No, look.

That's our product.

I've got to do brand
recovery on drones

that are sh**ting at the people
they're supposed to protect.

I am so over this.

Hm. Well, Andrea...
you've always said

you wanted to go
off on your own.

Maybe now's the time?

Yeah that'd be real nice, David,

but you know, someone
needs to pay for your

"Teas of the World"
subscription boxes.

I'm happy to take
more copywriting gigs.

Yeah. Unless you're planning
on practicing law again,

I'm gonna have to keep spinning
for our tech overlords.

Well, whatever you decide,
you have my full support.

Great, thanks, honey.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go falsely accuse

UNICEF of working with !sis.

No! No! No more! No more!

- I know sweetie,

but we just need to
check your levels

so the doctor can
see what's going on.

[phone message]

Excuse me for one second.

[movie plays] ♪ Cupcake Man.
I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

What the hell is this?

♪ Cupcake Man.
I'm a Cupcake Man. ♪

♪ I'm a Cupcake Man.

♪ Frosting on my face
all over the place! ♪

- More. More.

More Mr. Cupcake.

More Cupcake Man.

Hey Mark.

- Hi.

What happened to
Mr. Cupcake Man?

Cupcake Man is dead, Tam.

What are you talking about?

It got thirty views
in three hours.

Mr. Beast gets like
a million views a minute.

Oh, don't give up
so quickly, Mark.

I think you really
got something here.

Nope. Forty views.
I'm deleting it.

Uh uh, no.

Mark! Just let it be.

Eh whatever. I don't
need to be famous.

Fame is stupid anyway.

Hey, if you make a
couple of kids happy,

that's all that matters.

In fact, the children
at the hospital

would love to see
Mr. Cupcake Man.

Yeah, you know what,
you're right, Tam.

That's what it's really about.

Putting smiles on kids' faces.

[Cupcake Man song playing]
Wait a minute.

Do you hear that?

Oh my god.
Mark. Look!

Wait, is that...?

Wait are you fricken kidding me?

Does that say five
hundred thousand!?

Holy mackerel!
I'm famous.

I'm famous. Oh my god.

Uh... I'll be right back!

Wow, my god,
it's the Cupcake Man!

Really?

Tammy, just... please,
this is important to me.

Watch this.

- Um excuse me?

Are you Mr. Cupcake Man?

Uh... yeah. I am.

- Can I get a selfie with you?

Yo, can't you see
I'm having breakfast

with my wife? Come on.

- Mark!

Ugh. Okay. Fine.
One picture. Come on.

[click]

Oh man,
I always wanted to do that.

Yo, being famous is awesome Tam.

I'm never taking this thing off.

♪ Cupcake man.
I'm a cupcake man. ♪

Look at this.

Is that not
the dumbest thing

you've ever seen?

Wait, two million views!?

In a day!?

Mark may have just fallen a*s-
backwards into a goldmine.

And he's gonna
need a PR person...

Woah, woah, woah. Woah.

You're not seriously
considering this, are you?

Wow, David.
Thanks for your "full support."

I mean this could be my
ticket to career independence.

Andrea, the guy tried to catch

a whale off a restaurant boat.

Hey Jason. It's Andrea.

Derek can handle the release.

Because I quit baby!

Haha, byeee!

Dar give me the numbers.

Woah. You're currently
number four on trending.

Let's goooo!!! Yooo!

There she is!

The newest member
of Team Cupcake!

Hooray!

Thanks for having me.

I really think we
could be sitting

on a multimillion
dollar brand here.

I'm talking merch,
cartoons, live shows...

Ooh which reminds me...
do you have a manager?

You're looking at him.

Uh huh...

is this something you
have experience with?

Oh yeah. Big time okay.

Cut my teeth with Lou
Perlman back in the 90s.

In fact, I can still forge
Justin Timberlake's signature.

Yo! Check this comment out:

"This video makes me so happy.

Me and my kids have been
singing this all day."

I'd be careful, Mark.

First rule of internet fame is
"never read the comments."

What are you talking about guys?
I read 100% of the comments.

These are my people.

They love it. Look,
this one guy writes

"It's awesome."

And then you got
this guy, he writes

"This is the dumbest, most
annoying song I've ever heard.

I hope this one hit wonder
gets hit by a truck."

I wouldn't worry about it Mark.
It's just one knucklehead troll

in his mother's basement okay.

Yeah...no big deal.
Just one guy.

Oh wow.
Your dumb song is now

number three trending overall.

It just passed Machine
g*n Kelly's new video.

Mark, did you hear that?
That's amazing.

What?
Yeah. Yeah

I'm just...

I think I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna get out of the sun
for a little bit. You know.

Hon, are you okay?

Probably just a troll, you know.
Probably just some loser bot

living in his basement in
Brayshaw or something.

[ding, ding]
- Yes. Hell yes.

Guess who just booked
Mr. Cupcake Man on The View?

Is this really any better
than defending drones?

Is that a serious question?

Yeah, I mean

you're amplifying
mindless nonsense.

You could at least promote
something with some

educational value.

Yeah sorry David,

I can't get into this right now.

I have to go to work.

♪ I got snakes for arms.

♪ I got snakes for toes.

♪ I got snakes for fingers.

♪ Got snakes for a nose.

♪ I'm made of snakes.

♪ I'm made of snakes

♪ so wiggle wiggle wiggle
all the way to the lake. ♪

What do we think?

Pretty good, yeah.

Nah, you think
everything's good, okay.

What do you think, Mernft?

Is it legit or is it annoying?

Who the hell cares, okay?

All these kids' songs
are annoying.

Just post it.

Absolutely not.
I'm not posting anything

unless it's a certified banger.

- Hun, I think you're
obsessing a little too much

on one commenter.

I'm sure most people
are gonna love it.

Most people?

No no no. Okay.

No offense but you
are all useless, okay?

I need real feedback from
people in my demo, okay?

Okay what, so you want to focus
group babies or something?

Yes. Exactly.

I need babies.
Bring me babies!

♪ I like Dinosaurs.
I like them a lot. ♪

♪ T-Rex is my favorite.

♪ I'm a T-Rex lover.
I'm a T-Rex lover. ♪

♪ I love T-rex.

[silence]

Hank. Pie.

[splat]

[silence]

Dammit!

Okay Mark-

Mr. Cupcake Man, please.

Right.

Mr. Cupcake Man,

we need to go over
your schedule.

I'm in the middle of
something important here.

Ok, well we need to
start press training.

I've got you booked on three
live national spots this week.

Mernft Man, what's on the
docket as far as gigs?

Uh. Let's see,

so I reached out
to an old colleague

about a possible birthday
party opportunity.

Birthday party?

No.
We need to think bigger.

Mr. Cupcake Man is
the top kids song

in the world right now.

I'm telling you Andrea,
private shows for rich people,

I mean that's easy
money right there.

Doesn't matter.
I'm not doing any of it.

What do you mean?

Yeah, what about
the hospital show?

All the kids are so
excited to see you.

Sorry gotta push it, Tam okay.
I need my schedule cleared.

I'm workshopping new material.

Okay Mark, er--
Mr. Cupcake Man,

I understand the urge
to expand your catalog,

but right now we need to
strike while the iron's hot.

Things happen fast
on the internet

and I need-

“We ” need to ride this wave.

Forget riding a wave.
I am a fricken ocean of ideas.

Darren, hit it!

[music]

♪ Here we go now.

♪ Riding on cows. ♪

♪ Mooo mooo

♪ going to the moooovies.
[babies crying]

Damnit.

Are these babies
teething or something!?

Maybe the babies
aren't the problem.

Hmmmm.

Right-- yep,
garage.

What is all this?

Okay, everyone!

Over here. Let's go.
Team meeting.

So we've all heard
the rumblings okay.

"Does this guy have the chops?"

Is he a "one-hit-wonder?"

Well, after a long
look in the mirror,

I've come to the conclusion

that the real problem is...

my beats are being produced
by a fourteen year old boy.

Darren, sorry buddy
but you're out.

Alright. See ya.

[limo pulls up]

Looks like my new producer
slash creative muse has arrived.

[music]

Alright, try this--

[music]

Oh my god.
No!

Okay.

What about this--

[music]

Yo, this is some
real C-level crap,

Rosen, okay.

You holding your
good stuff for Drake?

Okay. Maybe just tell me

what you want.

Ugh fine.

Let me get an 808 trap

but swap the snare
for fart sounds.

[music]

Okay, can you drop
the bass a little bit.

Okay I need a new fart sound.
These are too dry.

We've been through
all four hundred.

Ugh! None of this is working.

This is all annoying crap.

Maybe we should discuss

what you're trying
to achieve here,

creatively.

Okay listen Rap Santa,
it's pretty simple.

I want something that's
gonna get a billion views

and no mean comments, okay?

Um... I'm not sure
that's a healthy approach.

Real artists don't worry
about making everyone happy.

They simply tap into their
own emotional truths,

and trust that their
audience will respond.

What!

- Mark, it's late.
Maybe get some sleep?

I can't okay!
I'm making music!

I'm trying to tap
into emotional truths!

This is really getting
ridiculous, hun.

You're losing your mind

over one stupid
internet comment.

You need some perspective.

Maybe performing for
those kids at the hospital

will remind you of what's
really important here.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm not fricken Patch Adams!!!

I'm a serious “Artist ”!

Well, I'm your wife.

No.

You're “Mark's ” wife.

Mr. Cupcake Man
doesn't have a wife.

He's asexual.

What are you talking about?

Babies,
they don 't have “Wives ”!

I am trying to build

an authentic
emotional connection

with my audience!

“My Audience Is Babies ”!

Yeah, well you're
doing a damn good job.

You sound just like a baby
having all these tantrums!

Hm...

sound like a baby having
all these tantrums.

Tantrums...tantrums.

Yo Rick. Give me another beat.

I'm all out of happy
kid's beats Mark.

No.
Something darker.

How's it going in there?

We're burning time
and money out here.

- Well worth it, Andrea.

- I've completely
evolved as an artist.

Okay, well my
professional reputation

is about to go extinct

so hopefully you've
evolved into an artist

willing to perform
this Saturday.

- Big time.

Okay great.
And just remember,

happy babies mean happy parents

and happy parents
buy a lot of merch.

- Oh don't you worry,

- they'll definitely
be feeling this.

[dark drone music]

Hey, Mr. Cupcake Man too busy

to take out the
trash these days?

Oh don't get me started.

Apparently, he's also
too big to perform

at the hospital this weekend.

Oh well, if you need
someone to fill in,

I actually have a
little magic show idea

I've been kicking around...

Really? Well that'd be great.

Magic's always a big
hit with the kids.

Oh yeah.

And you know,
unlike a certain...

pastry-headed person,

my routine isn't just fun,
it's also substantive.

Both delicious and nutritious...

Oh yeah... cool.

[crowd]

[dark drone music]

♪ When Mommy says no you
can't have a cupcake... ♪

♪ TANTRUM.

♪ When Daddy says no you
can't have a cupcake... ♪

[babies crying]
♪ TANTRUM. ♪

Oh my god.

♪ Yo you sound like a baby
having all these tantrums, ♪

♪ tantrums. Tantrums.

♪ Tantrums.

♪ We live. We suffer. ♪

♪ We die.

♪ The frosting burns
inside our veins. ♪

[silence]

Thank you Philadelphia.

[baby crying]
Thank you!!!!!

Get home safe.

Boom. Nailed it.

Well, that was a
complete disaster.

Every baby was crying.

They were responding.
Tantrum is all about being sad.

It's a whitespace in
baby entertainment.

I am changing the face
of children's music.

You pooped out a
cupcake on stage.

No, that was the
“Birth ” of a cupcake,

Andrea. They're babies.

Do you understand
that we're almost

a million dollars
in debt from studio

and touring expenses?

Sponsors aren't
returning my calls.

So from now on,

you are only playing
"Mr. Cupcake Man."

Nope. Can't do it.
Not going backwards.

Tantrum tour rolls on.

The Tantrum tour is over

until we can afford
to pay for it,

so unless you know someone
who's willing to pay

a million dollars
to watch you sing...

I got nothin'.

Well,

there is this one guy...

Guy sent his private
jet to pick us up?

Wow, Mernft Man

you may have just
earned your 10%.

Actually it's 40.

Woah.

What exactly does this guy do?

Ah, he's a businessman.

He deals in, uh,

pharmaceuticals.

Oh cool, it's one of those
g*ns shaped like a "T".

Uh...
what kind of pharmaceuticals?

Oh you know...
it's caffeine adjacent.

Ah, the famous Mr. Cupcake Man.
Bienvenido a Bolivia.

I am Roberto Caramelo de Nariz

and this is my son, Jesús.

He is your biggest fan.

I like to listen to your song

while I light mis
gatigos en fuego.

Oh yeah? Very cool, very cool.

Wait I thought this
was a birthday party?

Where's all the kids?

They played with my toys,
so I k*ll them.

Oh wow.
Your culture is very different.

I'm sure Mr. Myfrinski
made the terms very clear.

One song,
one million dollars.

You got it.
I'm thinking

I'm gonna do Red Velvet
Revolver off the new album.

No.
You do "Mr. Cupcake Man."

So here's the thing man,

-I'm not doing that-
-Ope! No problem!

"Mr. Cupcake Man" it is.

Okay Mark, you're good?

You understand the
assignment here?

Oh yeah.

Jesús is a very
angry little boy.

He needs to have his
feelings validated.

Okay, enough.
This is insanity.

I need the room.

[door closes]

Look, I didn't want
it to come to this,

But, here.

Someone posted a video
of your Tantrum show.

Read the comments.

Let's see here okay.

"Huge L"

"Stick to your one hit, weirdo."

"I miss the old Mr. Cupcake
Man. This sucks."

Look,

I understand you think
you're an artist,

but you need to let that go.

You're a guy who puts
cupcakes on his head

and sings to babies.

Hey Andrea. Can you just
do me a quick favor?

Yeah?

Can you ask the guy
with the g*n

to come over here
and blow my head off?

Mark, come on, stop.

You just need to
sing one stupid song

for a million dollars.

Here.

- No.

I am never singing again.

I am done.

Okay, listen, Mark.

You tried something
new and it failed.

That's part of the
creative process.

But you have something
really special here.

Remember why you
created Mr. Cupcake Man

in the first place.

To get a billion views.

No.
Before that.

To make a baby smile.

Exactly.
So forget the fame, the money,

forget even making art.

Just go sing that song
for your biggest fan,

the kid out there
dying to see you.

Fine.
One last show.

Thank you.
You're on in five.

We're good.

Hey kids, look!

This is the
coastline of Florida!

Okay, so let's drop it into
our magical "future hat."

And now it's the
year 2065 and...

Look at this.

The coastline is gone!

Because the greenhouse
gasses melted the ice caps.

Can I go back to my
room and get bloodwork?

So the takeaway here
is that there's no

magic solution that
can protect our planet.

-Psst.
-Yeah?

David. C'mere.

I think they're
really digging it.

Maybe lean away from the
long term global concerns.

These kids are terminally ill.

They're not worried about
the coast of Florida

forty years from now.

What?!

Well I wish you
would've mentioned

that earlier, Tammy!
I didn't know they were dying!

David, nobody does
hospital performances

for kids who are thriving.

Uh. Was that Harry Styles?

Yes.

He refused to play
One Direction,

so we went...
in another direction.

Hahaha.

¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake!

¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake!
Mr. Cupcake!

[knock, knock]
Mark?

It's time to go on stage.

Mark?

“Dear Andrea,

thank you for reminding me
what's really important.

I realize now

it's not about me.

It's about doing what's right ”

We're gonna die.

So uh... the, you know,

the thing about
climate change is that

it's not just about us.

I mean I'm not gonna be here
in fifty years either-

I mean not like that,
I mean it's just--

What's up my littles!

[cheering]

Oh thank god, Mark.
I was dying up here.

I mean, not literally.

I don't mean like you-I mean...

Mr. Cupcake Man, everyone!

Yeah!

Alright! Okay,

before we get started I just
want to give a little shout

out to Nurse Tammy over there.
She's the best guys.

You're very lucky to have her.

Remember kids,
what matters is being there

for the people who need you.

Ugh! Where the “Hell ” is Mark!?!

Okay um... Hank,
you know the lyrics, right?

Uh... I think so.

♪ I'm a hot dog man
I'm a hot-- Wait, ♪

♪ I'm Mr. Cakedog Man-
I'm a Cakedog Man. ♪

[g*n loads]
♪ Cupcake sprinkle? ♪

[thump, thump, thump]

Oh my god he's dead.
Hank is a dead man.

I don't know. The
kid seems to like it.

I think he's got at
least a few minutes left.

[thump, thump, thump]

Ok now I'm bored.

[splat]

Ooh yummy.

I don't know, boss.

This guy is pretty funny.

Ay, Dios mio,

what does it take to
get a security guard

who just takes orders and
doesn't have "opinions?"

Oh my god.
That's it!

[phone dialing]

Hey Jason -

Don't have time to talk
but I will take my old job back

and I'll handle the Syria stuff.
I don't even want a promotion.

I just need one favor.

This guy is actually
pretty talented!

Slapstick is one of the
hardest forms of comedy.

Ugh! Enough.

Give me that.

Wait!

[machine g*n fire]

[thud]

Wow! Incredible!

Okay...

What if I could
offer you something

way better than a stupid
Mr. Cupcake Man performance?

Mr. Silly Billy?

Even better.

How about a fleet of
private security drones huh?

Flying robot henchmen
who do exactly

what they're told...

In other news,
Humantis has recalled

thousands of private
security drones

after another deadly malfunction

caused them to open fire at the
estate of Bolivian Drug Lord

Roberto Caramelo De Nariz.

I don't know how you're
gonna spin this one.

Hey, if I can work
for Mark Hoagies,

this is nothing.

[phone call]

Hey Jason.

No problemo.
I'm already on it.

Mark, I gotta say, the
kids at the hospital

are still talking
about your performance.

Yeah that was a
pretty good show eh?

You know if you ever
want to come back,

you're always welcome.

Eh I don't know, Tam.

I think Mr. Cupcake
Man is retired.

Aw really? After all that

you're just gonna hang
up the frosting hat?

You know, there comes a
time in every artist's life

when they realize it's time
to get out of the spotlight.

Oh yeah?

You're already
over being famous?

Actually, Tam

I thought it might
be a good idea

if Mr. Cupcake Man keeps
a low profile for a while.

Let's just say he's the
number one hit in Bolivia.

Hey don't we gotta
still pay back the guy

with the big beard?

Nah I took care of it.

How'd you get the money
for that, Mernft?

Let's just say I took
a few party favors

back from the birthday party.