01x01 - Pet Projects

[bunniefuu]

Whoa is that like

a uh, Van Gogh?

Nah, nah Hank.

It's this girl on Etsy,

she does these like,

hysterical pet portraits.

I had her do one of Tammy's old

dog Rollins for her birthday.

Oh man that is

hysterical, Mark.

Tammy's gonna love it.

Yeah, I know.

I thought so, too.

But then I found out some

surgeon she works with

got her a freakin' $200 gift

card to some fancy spa.

Yo, that's no good, Mark.

He's clearly trying to bang her.

I know, right!

Who the hell does this

creep think he is, getting my

wife some overpriced woo woo

yoga crystal massage BS?

Ooh, that does sound kinda nice.

Yo this guy's good, okay?

She's gonna be all oiled up,

getting rubbed down,

all while thinking about

that doctor.

If you don't wanna

get cucked here,

you gotta get her

something real special.

Mimi go uppie.

Mimi go uppie!

Let's go, come on, uppie?

Never gonna happen,

Jinglebells!

Could you not?

I'm trying to build

her self - esteem.

I think she's a little

insecure around the

poodles at Doggy Daycare.

David, let me ask you something.

How would you feel if

some dude at Andrea's

work got her a $200 spa card?

Great.

She deserves it.

She works really hard.

Mark, you're asking a guy

who's getting alpha'd by

a fricken' foo foo dog.

I'm not being alpha'd.

I'm being a "supportive

girl dog dad".

I want her to feel dominant.

You know Mark, uh,

maybe you should surprise

Tammy with a new puppy.

Nah, nah, nah,

don't get her a dog.

If you really want to knock

her socks off, you should

get her an exotic pet.

The only thing women love

more than an exotic pet

is a man who knows how

to handle an exotic pet.

Oh, hell yeah!

Hank we're goin'

to the sketchy zoo!

[♪]

Well, I used to

work at a hot dog factory

Until them

robots came along

And now

there is no job for me

But I get

3,000 bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're

Universal Basic Guys

It may not

sound like much

But we're

still gonna try

We're just

Universal Basic Guys

Now this is how you zoo.

There's no rules. You got

the real plastic straws, you

got these untrained ex-cons

working with the animals.

I mean anything could happen

at this kind of place, okay?

You can literally see one

of these zookeepers

get their head ripped off.

Uhh, you sure these animals

should be pets, Mark?

Now, Hank, you gotta have the

vision with these things, okay?

Dogs weren't pets until

someone had the ba*ls

to domesticate wolves.

Ooh, what about a baby tiger?

Now that's a cool pet.

Aw, Hank, baby tigers grow

up to become big tigers, pal.

Oh, hm.

You know, they should

make tigers

that stay small

like ponies.

Yeah, they're called House Cats.

Yeah, you should

get one of those.

Hank, I didn't drive eight

hours to an exotic zoo

to buy her a

fricken house cat.

I need something that's

gonna blow that

spa gift card

outta of the water.

Ooo yeah.

Monkey time!

Now we're talking.

Oh man.

I love a good monkey.

They just always seem so happy.

Tammy would go nuts

for a pet like that.

It's like a dog 3.0.

Woah, It's the guy from

the sign!

Doc Tropics. Welcome to my zoo.

Yo, this place is

incredible. Incredible.

Well, thank you.

Did you happen to catch

our junior tiger handler

getting her hand bitten off?

[siren]

Ooh boy, that was a show!

Aw damn, we missed it,

but you know, we're loving

these monkeys you got here.

Oh, yes. They're such

majestic creatures.

Let me ask you something.

How much uh,

one of these things go for?

Chimps usually run

around 60 grand.

Whoa, that's no joke.

You think you could do

something closer like,

I don't know,

three grand or something?

Huh, well I'll tell you what.

I do have one chimp who

might fit your budget,

but he's not exactly

in mint condition.

Okay, okay. That's not

bad, that's not bad.

Yeah he's uh something.

I think he was used in a few

minor medical experiments,

but don't worry, he was

mostly in the control group.

Hank, we gotta do this, right?

This thing's a freakin' steal!

Yeah, but aren't monkeys

like a lot of responsibility?

No, Hank.

They're highly intelligent,

self sufficient creatures.

Set it and forget it.

You sure Tammy's

gonna be into this?

Are you kidding me?

She's gonna be through the roof.

What the hell is this?

It's your new pet monkey!

Happy birthday!

[party horn]

You went and bought a

chimpanzee without asking me?

It's called a birthday

surprise, Tam!

I thought you wanted a pet.

Yeah, I wanted a dog.

Oh come on, Tam, a dog is

a low ceiling pet.

At best it can help a

blind person across the

street or smell a b*mb

on a plane or something.

But a monkey That's

a HIGH ceiling pet.

Now just imagine you're watching

Summer House Reunion, you got

the monkey, it's wearing a funny

little outfit, it's serving you

White Claws, I mean, come on!

That's a dream pet

right there. [pop]

Oh my god!

Relax. It's fine,

it's fine, okay?

The guy showed me what to do.

You connect this thing to

the nerve thingy here back

here, and you just push until

you hear a suction sound.

[pop]

Boom. All good.

[pop]

Ah, crap.

So not only did you

buy a chimpanzee,

you bought a

sick chimpanzee?

Pfft! Okay,

that's all superficial.

This is a fixer upper!

[pop]

This is a fixer upper!

Mark, do you even understand

that chimps are like, WAY

too dangerous to keep as pets?

Like, this is no joke here!

What the hell are

you talking about?

They're like the friendliest

animals on the planet.

Yeah, until they rip

your friggin face off.

Pfft! This little sweetheart?

[screech]

Get outta here.

I'm going to work, Mark.

When I get back, this chimp

better be out of here.

Aw, don't take it

personally, monkey.

[pop pop]

Damnit, Hank.

Mimi!

Mimi, come on. Uppie!

Mimi go uppie!

Uh. It's okay. Maybe we

could just take a quick pic?

[click]

[typing]

[thud]

David help!

What the hell?

Mimi, stay.

Whoa!

Ah, um I'm gonna call 911.

No, no. Don't call police.

Snake is ill*gal.

What?

Oh of course it is. Uh

Wha wha what are

you doing with that?

I don't know.

I was gonna stab it.

Cut its head off or something.

No! No

You You can't k*ll it okay?

This this thing's worth

seventy five grand.

What!? What are you,

Britney Spears?

Who the hell owns

a $75 000 snake?

Some people enjoy

a high end exotic.

Oh, yeah. Seems like you're

really enjoying it.

Hey, could you just

friggin'help me get it off?

You know, maybe if you

showed it more affection,

it wouldn't try to k*ll you.

Here, let me try something.

Aw, there there. I know,

Some people don't understand

animals, or anything.

But look, I'm here and you're

loved. You're appreciated.

Oh my god.

[argh]!

Okay monkey, we only gotta

do this for a little bit

until we can teach you how

to use a big boy bathroom.

[screeching]

Come on just let me

Come on dude,

this is for your own good, okay?

All the pet monkeys on

YouTube wear diapers.

Uh, I don't know

if he's into this.

Come on, come on.

Relax, Hank, okay?

You just gotta establish

that I'm the alpha.

[rip]

Oh my god.

Hey Mark, it ripped

your face off.

Yeah, I'm aware, Hank.

[screeching]!

- Ah, I forgot my keycard.

Oh, crap. Tammy's back.

- Everything okay in there?

All good, hon!

[screeching]!

[bang]

[thud]

Okay, don't say anything

about the face, okay?

The last thing I need

is her raking me over

the coals right now.

Uh

Oh my god, it's dead!

I knew that poor thing was sick!

Tammy, it's just

taking a nap, okay?

Well, why is it still here?

- Relax, we're taking

it back, okay?

But not because it's

dangerous or rips off faces.

- Pfft, Ridiculous.

We're doing it because

I'm gonna to be the bigger man,

I'm going to respect

your decision.

Uh are you okay, Mark?

Why won't you look at me?

I'm fine I'm just I'm trying

to I'm trying to measure

something on the wall here

okay?

20 feet 30 feet

I got the 40 feet

Okay, this'll be the perfect

dimensions for the

uh for the, uh, wainscoting.

Ah, whatever, Mark.

Just get rid of it.

Ok here's the deal. That

son of a b*tch sold us a lemon!

This monkey has fricken

rabies or something.

Okay, you're gonna take it

back to Doc Tropix

and get a refund, you got it?

You want me to do that

like by myself or?

Yes Hank, okay? I gotta go

to the hospital and

get my face fixed before

Tammy finds out.

Doesn't Tammy work

at the hospital?

Won't she uh, see you?

She's not gonna recognize me.

I got no face.

I'll just use a fake name.

Boom.

Okay, Mr. Rambo. So the

good news is your initial

facial reconstruction

was a success.

So my face is good to go?

No, no.

Your face how do I put this

in layman's terms,

is a mess.

We sewed you up and threw on a

pair of temporary lips so you

can eat, but you're going to

need extensive plastic surgery.

Hold on, hold on, what do

you mean temporary lips?

Do I got like some dead

guy's lips or something?

No, no.

Oh okay, cool. Phew!

We used tissue

from a pig scrotum.

[gag]

Alright, the nurse will be

in here shortly to

remove your bandages.

Appreciate it.

Mr. uh, Rocky Rambo.

Oh, geez.

How are you feeling today?

Hola! No hablo inglés.

Oh, do you want me to

bring in a translator?

Uh, es ok, es ok I

uh, I understand.

Ok.

So I'm gonna remove your

bandages and make sure

everything is healing before the

plastic surgeon examines you.

No, no!

No, no, I no ready!

I no ready!

Oh, it's okay.

Just hold still.

This'll be quick.

[rustling]

All done, Mr. Rambo.

The plastic surgeon

will be in shortly.

You're gonna love him.

He's the best.

Aw thanks, Tammy.

You're the best.

Happy birthday, by the way.

- Oh thank you.

- So, did you get

to the spa yet?

- Not yet, but I'm VERY excited.

You should be.

The place is incredible.

You're gonna get a facial

you'll never forget.

Alright, let's see

what's going on here.

Hmm looks like a

clean degloving.

Good news Mr. Rambo,

you're a perfect candidate

for a new experimental

procedure I pioneered.

All we need is a couple

pictures of you before the

accident, and then we 3D

print stem cells to create an

exact replica of your face.

- Okay, that sounds dumb.

Oh no. This new treatment

will be a game changer for

victims of car accidents,

severe burns or even

chimp attacks like yourself.

- Wait. Did you say

chimp attack?

- Yeah.

Probably not the best idea to

keep a chimp as a pet,

right Mr. Rambo?

Hmm. Hold on

[phone]

Oh my god.

Are you frickin' kidding me?

Mark?

You know Mr. Rambo?

He's my husband.

I don't believe it.

I told you that thing was

going to rip your face off.

Really? I'm sitting here with

no freaking face

and now you're gonna

bust my ba*ls about it?

Did you really think I wasn't

going to find out that your

whole freaking face is missing?

Listen, I can probably do

this procedure right now.

Did you hear that, Mark?

You better thank your

lucky stars for Dr. Johnson.

He's gonna do the

procedure today.

Nah, I'm good.

What do you mean you're good?

Yeah, I don't need some weird

experimental surgery from

this friggin' bozo over here.

The hell you don't.

Have you seen your face?

Hm. Not bad, actually.

I actually think it gives

me a little uh, character.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, I got things to do.

I'll see you at home, Tam.

Argh Damnit!

[♪]

[humming]

[robotic voice]

Hello, Hank.

What the -?!

Monkey!

Ah! Please don't

rip off my face!

[typing]

Relax. Watch road.

Wait a minute.

Is that you?

Are you speaking, Monkey?

Yes.

What the heck?

Pull over.

Gas station.

Uh okay.

Why?

You need gas.

Oh, yeah.

And I need bananas.

I don't see what the

big deal is, Tam, okay?

A lot of cool dudes

have d*sfigured faces.

Yeah, like who?

Uh, the Phantom of the

Opera. Freddy Krueger.

I don't know if I would

consider Freddy Krueger

a cool dude, Mark.

Ok what about the uh,

The Kiss From a Rose guy?

Uh, what's his Seal!

He's got a messed up

face and he was married

to Heidi fricken Klum!

He's got a few scars.

Your face looks like the

Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre.

You know what?

I may be the one with the

messed up face, but you're

the one who's unrecognizable.

All the sudden you don't like

animals, you're going to fancy

spas, and now you're telling

me to get plastic surgery!

You know, no one else here

seems to care about my looks.

Yous all ready to order.

Oh god

I mean sorry hi.

Can I start you off with a face?

I mean, uh, can

I get you a face?

I mean can I face you a drink?

I mean

Can I just get a tomato soup

and a tuna melt? Thanks.

You want a face with that?

Sorry, I meant fries.

Do you want fries

with that face?

Yeah.

Okay. And do you

want that open-faced?

Alright, c'mon,

enough, alright?

No I actually

meant to ask that.

Oh. Ok sure.

Yeah and uh, let me

get the number five.

Mark, you got coffee

coming out of your cheek.

I'll get you some napkins.

Tam, it's all about

attitude, okay?

You see a hole in my

face, I see two mouths!

Oh yeah, and it's just

what I need on you:

two mouths.

Hey, one for talking,

one for eating, baby!

[robotic voice]

Relax, I no rip off face.

You ripped off my

brother's face.

He was mean jerk.

You are nice, beta.

No threat.

Oh thanks, yeah.

So like uh, when did you

get all smart and stuff?

Do not know.

Been in many

medical experiments.

I wish I was smart.

Knowledge is suffering.

Much I know, I would rather not.

So you excited to get back to

your old buddies at Doc Tropixs?

No. They will euthanize me.

What's wrong with that?

Don't you want to

be young again?

No, that's not what

euthanize mean.

They will put me to sleep.

Oh well, rest might be good

after these last few days.

No, Hank.

Doc Tropixs will k*ll me.

Wait, what!?

Why would he do that?

People no pay see

old, broken animal.

I be already dead if

you guys did not bang me.

Uh what?

Sorry. Autocorrect.

I'd be already dead if

you guys did not buy me.

Well if he's gonna k*ll you,

I'm not taking you there.

Is okay, Hank.

I am mess.

No family. No troop.

Too much time in tiny cage.

Injected with many medicine.

I have many disease.

Body hurt.

Eyeballs no stay in head.

Better for me to end.

Oh I don't know, Monkey.

Come on,

there's gotta be something

that brings you joy.

There is one thing I've

always want to do.

[happy music]

I get this.

Whoa. Where'd you get that?

I take from Doc pocket.

Here you take.

I don't know, Monkey.

Consider as refund

for broken pet.

I mean Mark did ask me

to get his money back.

No give to brother.

Money only for Hank.

Yeah but it's Mark's

money you know,

he paid for you

and everything.

For duck's sake Hank, no

spend life being used by others.

You gave me best day of life.

You deserve such day yourself.

Whoa, was this really the

best day of your life?

Yes. Well, up there

with time they

inject me with MDMA.

I don't think playing dead

is working, Jinglebells.

Well, that's because most

dead people don't talk!

You got better ideas?

Huh? Maybe call it a

snowflake over and over?

Would you chill?

Every time you freak

out, it squeezes harder.

Why couldn't you just get a

slow loris or a sugar glider?

There's plenty of ill*gal exotic

pets that aren't gonna EAT YOU!

Nah this is just kind of

territorial thing, okay?

They rarely eat humans.

Seems like it's trying to,

it just can't get past

your cankles.

Hey! Chronic edema is a

serious medical condition.

Okay so what do

these things eat?

Mostly small to

mid-size animals.

[door opens]

[barking]

Mimi no!

- Yes Mimi!

[barking]

[hissing]

[dramatic music]

Yes Mimi!

You go girl!

You got it!

Sorry, Mernft.

I know that snake

meant a lot to you.

Eh, not really. I was just

looking to flip the thing.

Anyway, it is what it is.

Life goes on.

Uh except for the 15 foot

deadly snake on the loose?

Nah. That thing will

be dead in a day.

Yes Mimi! Hi!

Oh, you're such a good girl!

[thud]

David

I was thinking, uh, you

know, maybe you could

come live with me.

I don't know, Hank.

I don't want to be

too much trumpet

Trouble.

No way, it'll be fun.

Maybe.

[yawn]

Hey, Monkey, uh, wanna

get some breakfast?

Hey, Monkey?

Monkey!

Monkey wake up!

Monkey!

Monkey, wake up!

Monkey, monkey. No!

No Monkey. No.

[sad music]

[digging]

[sad music]

[snoring]

[scream]

Ah what the hell, Tam?

Why can't you just love

me for who I am, okay?

This is my face now.

It's not about your face, Mark.

It's that you can easily fix it

and for some reason you won't.

Uh yeah. Because I'd

rather have a messed up

face than one fixed by

Dr. Fifty Shades of.

Grey's Anatomy who is clearly

trying to bang you!

Wait a minute I'm sorry, what?

Who the hell gets someone's

wife a $200 spa card, okay?

That's what this is about?

Yeah. It is.

What are you doing?

I'm sleeping on the couch

so you won't have to

look at me.

[sentimental music]

[click]

[typing]

[sentimental music]

[buzz]

Damnit.

Mark, what is this?

Eh nothing, it's just

some stupid birthday gift

I thought would be funny.

This is HYSTERICAL, Mark!

Yeah it is pretty

hysterical, right?

Hon, this is so

fricken thoughtful.

Why didn't you

just give me this?

I was going to, and

then uh you come in

all excited about

Dr. Sleezebag's little card.

Yeah I got 200 dollars, and

I'm like forget it,

I'll get you something else.

Are you kidding me?

This is way better than

some stupid spa card.

Besides, 200 bucks is like a 15

minute massage at that place.

But you know what the

best gift would be?

I don't know, baby tiger?

d*ck's Sporting Goods

gift card.

No I want my husband's

handsome face back.

I mean I'm not gonna lie

It was pretty good face eh?

So will you get

the damn surgery?

This whole thing is absurd.

Yeah, I guess it is kind of

hard to eat wings

with a pig's sack for lips.

Oh, thank God.

Come here, you.

Wait a minute

when you say "pig's sack"

do you mean

oh, my god.

Well you can always

kiss the second mouth.

Come on, last chance

Yeah. No chance.

[phone vibrates]

And here's your banana smoothie.

Awesome.

Anything else I can get you,

Mr. Hoagies?

Yeah, you know what

Uh let me get one of them

uh, woo woo yoga

crystal massages.

You got it.

Oh yeah.

Whoops.

Hmm.

[licks]