01x06 - Empoderados

[bunniefuu]

BAD SEXUAL BEHAVIOR?
WE CAN HELP

MASTURBATION?
WE CAN HELP

EXCESSES?
WE CAN HELP

Hi, I'm Kiko.

Hello, Kiko.

The truth is that I hit rock bottom
when I started with Manfred.

Butt sex? You had sex with a buddy?

No.

Manfred was my hamster.

How the f*ck did you do it?

The question is, did he fit?

At first, it was paradise.

Manfred didn't seem to mind.

Until one day, Manfred...

-didn't want to come out.
-Of his cage?

No.

MANCHILD

-What's up, Marce?
-You have a patient.

But I had no patients today.

He's new and was insistent,
so I had to let him in.

Hi, Rex.

Are you crazy?

You are crazy. What are you doing here?

What are you doing in my office?

-I came to...
-To what?

I came to see you, to see how you've been.

How nice of you! Thank you!
I'm perfectly fine. Now, go.

No, you're more than fine.

Do you know
how much a session with me costs?

It doesn't matter, I'll pay it. How much?

Look...

I really wish you'd been this generous
with the wedding expenses.

-People change.
-No!

Only when they mature.
And I see you haven't matured at all.

-You're still the same spoiled brat.
-No.

I've been thinking a lot
about what my life would be

if I had I married you.

If you hadn't stood me up.

-Same thing.
-No, it's not.

-It is, Rex.
-No. That's your problem.

You try to minimize everything.

Everything! For you,
nothing is ever wrong.

"I ate all your groceries,
but that's fine."

"I didn't pay the electric bill.
That's fine."

-"I sexted some woman. That's fine."
-It was sexting!

And she turned out to be
a 60-year-old man!

-Right there! See?
-What?

You're minimizing it again.

Because that's what you do.
But listen, try this one.

Picture this, me, humiliated,
standing in front of a bunch of people

on the day that was supposed to be
the happiest of my life.

-How are you going to minimize that?
-No...

And I'm very sorry.

The truth is that I...

couldn't deal
with such a big responsibility back then.

No. So you thought,
"I'll take on a smaller responsibility

-and f*ck my best friend's daughter."
-No, ex-best friend.

-This is hopeless.
-Hold on...

But it was wrong. It was very wrong.

It was wrong and I paid for it dearly.

-That's why I came.
-For what?

You really are shameless.
You're still so immature.

You're still a womanizer and a liar.

You know what? I'm begging you, please,

stop f*cking up my life
and get out of it for good.

And if you can, go to therapy.

If it's with you, I'll do it.

-Please! You're so cynical! Get out!
-All right, relax. I'm leaving.

-Fine.
-He tells me to relax.

Look...

But I want us to talk and soon.

You know what? Enough. Get out...

I'm so happy we're resuming therapy
with Regina again.

Yeah, me too.

I must confess,
I was heading towards the dark side.

Yes, since she's my therapist,
I stopped having enuresis or hematurias.

No more nightmares with anuses and glans.

Since when is that a nightmare?

Sounds yummy.

-Enough.
-Don't be a pig.

To be honest, I think Regina
and Our lady of Guadalupe

will help me find Esmeralda.
I'll even feel her magic breeze, like...

Hey, it'll happen. You'll see, Tony.

Check it out, when I met you...
Well, when we met you,

you wanted all the girls for yourself.
Now, you're more serious.

That's Regina's touch.
I also wanna know her touch.

-Cheers to Regina and her touch.
-Well said!

Baby...

It's alcohol free, brother.

-Good.
-Don't you dare, okay?

-To a glorious return.
-That's right!

-Cheers!
-And to Regina.

-To Regina!
-Cheers!

Cheers.

Well, on this occasion,
I'd like to go first.

No way. Add more time to the clock then.

Right?

Like this?

First of all, I'd like...

to offer you an apology.

Why?

Because I've been using you
for an experiment.

-What?
-I'll explain.

The ad I posted on social media
was because I needed...

men with your profiles...

to be the subject matter for a book

that a major publishing house
was going to publish for me.

An academic essay
on the behavior of adult men

who cling pitifully to their youth.

Three years.

Three f*cking years. You understand?

That's over a thousand days sitting there,

in front of a keyboard, writing the essay,

only to be told when I showed it to them,

"Yes, we like it...
But we want something more commercial."

Naturally, I rejected the offer
of those literary mercenaries, but...

But then you guys came...

So sweet.

So...

needy.

So lacking in affection.

Therefore...

I changed my mind
and decided to write the book they wanted.

And since that day,
you have been the subjects of my study.

Hey, listen, relax. It's cool.
What she's saying is really cool.

What's the book's name?

Manchild.

Excuse me?

What?

Manchild.

"Manchild"?

-Manchild...
-Yes.

Right, but for that kind of experiment,
you need some real manchi...

Yeah, of course.

That's shocking.

But, please...

I'm asking you not to judge me
based on my actions, but my reasons.

Listen to me first
and try to understand me.

No, relax. Don't worry, it's okay.
Just talk to Ivette about my royalties.

That's it.

Yes, but...

there won't be any royalties for anybody.

Why?

Because there won't be a book.

Of course, because we want a bestseller.
Because we're mediocre.

Because our only reference
is Pablo Coelho,

and the f*cking monk with the Ferrari,
and Who Moved my Cheese?,

and all that bullshit
you always bring up. Of course!

And you even dare
to try to violate my intellect

with a title as crappy as Manchild?

Please! Manchild,
stick that title up your a*s,

you pair of... manchildren!

You are finished!

What's finished is your brain.

Security!

You know what? Don't worry.
I know my way out.

Go ahead, yes. Go.

b*tch.

You're amazing, the best!

You're a star. You know what's up!

You're a f*cking warrior!

I wish I had your... courage.

Well, but there's something else, right?

That's not the only reason, is it?

I mean...

I mean, it's something
that's completely unrelated.

It has nothing to do with this, but yes.

Today, Gerardo stopped by.

-Gerardo?
-My ex-boyfriend.

No way! This is a soap opera.
What else happened?

Watch it.

Well, look, I really don't know
what Gerardo wants.

I don't know what he wants to tell me,
or what his objective is.

I thought that...

I didn't want
to see him ever again, but...

I don't know, something moved in here.

Okay, enough.

Go ahead, judge me.

Tell me that I'm a hypocrite,
that I'm a fake.

Call me whatever you want,
insult me. Please, say something.

Friend...

Don't say that about yourself.

Group hug!

Don't worry.

We're all going to help you
get your book published.

-That's right.
-And not just that,

we're gonna deal
with your idiotic ex too. Right, girls?

f*ck yeah! Or my name

is not José Guadalupe Sagrario Tobares,
God damn it!

-What? Isn't your name, "Tony"?
-Tony, yeah.

No, my beautiful friend, no.
"Tony," is my stage name, dude.

You know what's up, man.

-Tony?
-Tony.

-Come on!
-What the...

Regina, the point is
that we're all going to help you.

-That's right!
-Of course.

Yes.

Thank you, but there's no way.

Don't dare interfere.

I have to deal with this myself,
so meddling is forbidden. Okay?

Forbidden. Understood?

No. I want to hear it. Understood?

Yes.

-Good. Take your seats then.
-Yeah, sure.

Let's get started.

Trust us.

This is the best way to help Regina. Okay?

The plan has two fronts.
The publishing house...

-Okay.
-...the other one is Gerardo. Okay?

Tony, Andrés, Ro,
go straight to the publishing house.

-Okay.
-Aldo and I will...

VICTOR EATS IT HOLE

-Aldo, come on.
-Me?

-You can't write this.
-It wasn't me.

You're the only one who'd write,
"Whole," without the, "W." Come on!

Well, I was on tour a lot.
I didn't go to school.

Please! You and I
will go see Gerardo, okay?

Is that clear?

Publishing house. Gerardo.

Enough, man.

Enough!

I'm gonna kick your a*s.

Okay, so you're here from... MACHILASS?

I'd never heard of it before.

MA.CHIL.a*s.

Manchild Association.

No way.

We're a very serious organization.

We're a non-profit,
non-nonsense association.

We're a group that ensures
the rights of manchildren,

so they can live
free of prejudice and discrimination.

Because we're constantly discriminated.
We can't live peacefully anymore

without being judged
for living with our parents!

What's our sin? Embracing our youths
and being very sensual.

That's right.

We don't want to be discriminated against.
We want to love whoever we want to love,

or dress however we want to dress,

or know which cellphone
is currently trendy.

Very well. So, how can we help you?

I'll tell you,

and we'll see if you can give us a hand.

We heard you were going to publish a book

by doctor Regina Vargas. She's grossa.

She's really good.

But for some reason,
the book was cancelled.

Listen to me,
that book has to be published. Got it?

And you are?

I am...

I am Jorge Luis Ernesto
Lionel Borges Guevara Messi,

a philanthropist and the main benefactor

of this honorable Argentinean association.

That's right.
And as José Luis was saying...

Jorge Luis.

-What?
-Jorge.

-José Luis.
-Jorge.

Mr. Guevara.

Not only has she given us hope,

she's given a family
to all of us manchildren.

And she promised us a copy of this book.

Which, by the way,
already sold out in Latin America,

so it must be published.

Wow!

Wow!

You're incredible.
Really, you're incredible.

You almost moved me to tears.
You're something else.

But I didn't cry.

You guys are the manchildren
Regina was writing about, aren't you?

-No.
-Don't get confused, man.

-Come on!
-Please.

"MA.CHIL.a*s."
That's so witty. Really, it's good.

But tell doctor Vargas,

that after what she did,
we no longer want to work with her.

-After how she spoke to us...
-To you.

Fine. That's why she's banned forever
from this publishing house.

And no... little charade
is going to change our minds.

No...

Look, we are the MA.CHIL.a*s.ers

and we won't let you discredit us
in front of our benefactor,

who, as you can see,
is a very refined person.

Yes...

Security!

Enough, man.

-Wait. Hold on, dude. It's all good.
-No way.

-I told you, peninsular Spanish.
-What a waste of time.

f*ck, uncle!

Uncle? Is he your mom's brother?

Uncle. That's what they say
in Spain, dickhead.

Security.

THE CRISIS
OF THE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

Marce, baby,
nobody knows Regina like you do.

Tell us, what do we need to do
to free her from that jerk?

You know, right?

I don't know. I can't meddle
in her affairs and neither should you.

-Marce...
-But you know how bad he is for her.

Tell us where we can find him. Be a dear.

-Marce...
-Yes?

I can't tell you anything.

I can't confirm or deny
that she has a meeting today

at The Raven's Stepchild at 7:00 p.m.

And I can't confirm
or deny that you're the best!

Why don't we go out for drinks someday?
What do you think?

-So, f*cking's out of the question?
-I think so.

Let's go.

We have to wipe that idiot off the map.

If Regina had a boyfriend,
he'd leave her alone.

Good idea! It's decided,
I'll pretend to be her boyfriend.

What? It was my idea,
I'll be her boyfriend.

No, it's more believable
she'd go out with a guy like me.

Of course not. Come on, I'm a star.

Look at this amazing Puerto Rican body.

-Do you like Regina or something?
-What? Of course not.

It's a matter of credibility, you know?

Any woman would want
to be with a star like me.

The only thing that resembles a star

is you like everything
to revolve around you.

Leave this in the hands
of a true professional.

-Do what you want.
-I'll be the boyfriend.

No. I'll be the boyfriend.

-No, I'll be.
-No. Whoever gets there first!

No, wait. That's cheating!

Wait!

No. The tequila is for her.

Thank you.

And thank you for coming.

I know nothing I say
will change or erase what I did.

But I want you to know
it's also been hard for me.

So, just like that, you want...

to come into my life, as if...

-No.
-No, you have no shame.

-No.
-You have no shame.

Rex, it's not like that.

I'm changing, I'm learning,
I'm healing and...

Darling!

How are you, darling?

Hi, I'm Víctor, I'm Regina's boyfriend.

She said she'd see a patient
and I don't want to interrupt,

but we have to celebrate,
today's our monthaversary. Yes.

My love, here, these are for you.

-Is this...
-Flower bouquets are outdated.

-What?
-Darling!

Thank you?

You're welcome, sweetheart.
You're welcome, my love.

How beautiful!

-Yes. Well...
-You're welcome.

-Come with me a second.
-Yes.

Excuse me for a second, please.

Easy!

What's wrong with you?

Do you want to get rid of this guy or not?

-Follow my lead and that's it.
-No, look, I was very clear,

what did I say? Don't intervene.

Regina, please!
Men know that when a woman says "No,"

she really means, "Yes."

No. I don't want you to stay.
I want you to leave.

Hey, I get it!

You're telling me to leave
because you want me to stay. Right?

-Aren't you the guy from...
-Yes.

-Mercurio?
-No, Uranium 21.

Right, but...

I'm Regina's boyfriend.

You know what? It doesn't matter.
What else could go wrong? Come on.

-Really?
-Her boyfriend, yes.

Another boyfriend of yours, or so he says.

-It's what he said.
-My boyfriend?

-My... ex.
-No!

-I'm your boyfriend, he's your ex.
-No, I'm her ex.

No. Sorry, but at best,
you're this guy's ex's ex.

What?

"This guy," has a name.

All right, please,
Regina, who are these guys?

-Her boyfriend!
-Her boyfriend!

No. Look, they are...

Wait. What's it to you?

-Yeah, what's it to you?
-Let's start there.

Who are you to be asking me
for explanations about anything?

-You're nobody to me.
-Nobody.

Nobody!

On the other hand, I am,
because she gave me a heart-shaped pizza.

And she took me
to all her favorite places.

She wrote me a sonnet.

And she serenaded me.

For me, she danced

all of Uranium 21's songs in lingerie.

For me, she danced, "Payaso de rodeo,"
wearing only boots and a cowboy hat.

How about that?

I didn't want it to come to this,
but you made me.

She let me win an argument.

You did that?

Hold it. If it's a competition,
I was going to marry her.

Okay, well, he wins with that.

But how could you stand her
up at the altar, you moron?

Hey, why'd you call me that?
Show some respect.

Hey!

What?

I can't... No...

This is mine, right?

How could you stand her up at altar?

She's such a beautiful woman.
How could you do that?

Well, because I didn't know the value

and authenticity
of an amazing woman like her.

-Yeah...
-Sit down.

Sit down, man. Come on.

How'd you know
I was the one who stood her up?

Because neither of us is her boyfriend.

-I could be.
-Me too.

-No. But that's not the point.
-Fine.

We are her patients
and we want you to leave her alone.

Exactly.

So you're the guy!

You're the guy
who stood Regina up at the altar?

Let me guess,
you're also Regina's boyfriends?

No way! So much trouble over this guy?

Hey, calm down, bro.

So, how did it go?

When do we start with the book thing?

They didn't believe us.

Even though we followed
the plan to the letter.

Regina's book?

Yes, she had a huge project
with an important publishing house,

but it fell through.

She got angry and sent them to hell.

That's classic Regina.

And you want to help her?

BLACK INK
PUBLISHERS

The original plan is infallible.

-Please! Of course not!
-Yes, it was.

Yes. Because the plan
we had with him didn't work out.

What about the publishers?

Everything was going well,
but Tony didn't glue my moustache right.

What? Me?

It was your stupid idea
to talk like an Argentinian!

I was in character.

Before I went in, I ate a choripán
with a ton of chimichurri sauce, dude.

See? Your mixing Argentinean
and Mexican words.

-That's bad, dude.
-Look who's talking!

You mix Puerto Rican words

and end up
sounding like... a Chilean, feel me?

Like a Chilean? Are you crazy?

-His accent is Eastern Puerto Rican.
-Come on!

-Knock it off.
-You messed up at the end.

-No!
-No, yes.

All right, calm down.

Regina's publishing house is Black Ink?

-Yes
-It says so right there.

Well, my friends. I can help you.

-This one, but what do I do? Sign it?
-Yes, please.

This one is for the board,
the attorney needs to sign it.

-This one too?
-Yes.

Anyway, I'll update you...

Come on, please! You again?
Seriously? You're such a drag!

What do you want? To be kicked out again?

-No. There's more of us now.
-My God! How sweet!

If you only brought
your grandparents to help you!

No.

They brought me.

Now what?

Can we talk?

Look, listen to me...

without interrupting me...

and I promise
I'll get out of your life forever.

I wanted to see you
because I have something important to say.

I know I made a mistake, but I was scared.

I had to look for help and I found it.

And now, I'm just here
to ask for forgiveness.

I know that's gonna help me heal.

And I hope, from the bottom of my heart,
that getting this closure...

helps you too.

I'm sorry.

That's all.

Gerardo...

Thank you.

Bye, Rex.

I'm very excited to have you here.

Thank you, seriously,
for what you did at the publishing house.

Thank you for what you did with Gerardo,

even though I told you
not do anything about it.

And thank you...

for your support.

I promise you, honestly,

that I'm gonna help each one of you.

And today, I'm starting with you.

Darling, there's no need
for you to thank us.

We're just like my patients,
loose and cooperative.

There's no doubt you can accomplish
whatever you set out to do.

I'm very lucky to have you in my life.

Stop! You're going to make us cry.

I have to tell you something else.
The publishing house asked me

to do more field research with you.
Which means...

spending more time together.

Therefore, well, I want to ask you...
I mean, if you agree,

to let me be a part of your group.

No freaking way... I'm kidding!

What do we say, guys?

Hell yeah!

We're already a group,
but we could use another member.

So, you're more than welcome.

But, if you think it's going to be easy...

you are mistaken.

Because you have to go through
the manchild's hazing.

No, but... What is that like?

Meaning, it'll be memorable.

Okay, let's do it.

But, please, tell me one thing,

how'd you get the publishing house
to change their mind?

Colleague, you know better than anybody
the importance of professional secrecy.

SEX ADDICTS ASSOCIATION
SUPPORT GROUP

And yes, I'm aware that I failed you all.

Yes, I dragged you down
the path of perdition.

Yes, I should've never invited you,
I know.

But it was a unique opportunity,
am I right?

One of those
you only get once in a lifetime.

I mean, think about it.

When you're old,
you'll be able to tell your grandchildren

that you were part of the mythical orgy
with Colombian women, Venezuelan women

and the Mexican national soccer team.
All thanks to...

To our friend.

But well, I... caused this relapse, yes.

That's why I got kicked off the group.

But I've been accepted again
and I'm very grateful.

I want to thank... the higher power.

And all of you, of course.
But especially...

my sponsor.

He was the one who persuaded me
to come back into the group.

Sponsor, I owe you big time!