01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

We used to live in that house.

Our whole life was a sitcom.

The Pooka didn't know he'd escaped

from a video. He thought he was real.

Promise me you won't tell

anyone about this.

I talked to the Pooka.

He didn't seem evil.

Evil or not,

he doesn't belong here.

I don't belong here.

None of us do.

Did you and Dad know that we're not

actually real people, and we're just

made up characters that escaped

from an old 80s sitcom?

What is he talking about?

If we catch the Pooka and make it

watch the video it escaped from,

maybe it'll get sucked

back into the video.

You mean we could send him home?

No.

You k*lled the Pooka.

Sometimes to do good, you

have to be a bit bad.

No matter what happens, we can't let

the caretaker know our secret.

(Opening credits music)

(Music and footsteps)

(Bin lid clatters)

(Another clatter)

(and another)

(Bang!)

Looking for this?

And the liars shall be banished

to the eighth circle of hell.

And burn forever in eternal flames.

How-- how did you get that?

How many times did I tell you not to

put the walkie talkie in your pocket

without switching it off?

I thought we were friends, Kevin.

And then I find out you're

keeping secrets.

I'm very disappointed in you.

After what you did to the Pooka!

I sent the Pooka home.

Yeah, and then you erased him!

I told you sometimes to do good,

you have to be a bit bad.

You're a m*rder*r!

You can't k*ll something

that isn't real.

Like me?

I'm not some monster.

If you and your family go back

inside the video,

back where you belong,

I'm happy to leave you there.

I'll put the video up on the shelf

and never touch it again.

I don't believe you.

Why would you do that to the Pooka?

Why can't you just leave us be?

You and your kind don't belong here.

I have no problem with you staying

back

where you came from.

I just don't want you here.

You're not like us.

You said it yourself.

You don't fit in here.

No one likes you.

You're too stupid to use

the walkie talkie.

Don't you think you'd be much

happier back in your own world?

It doesn't have to be difficult.

We can still be friends.

You just have to do what I say.

You don't belong here, Kevin.

You or your family.

You know I'm right.

(Door slams)

She's got it! What?

The video. Our video.

The caretaker?

Yes the caretaker!

FYI, I'm not following any of this.

But can she do anything with it?

Dunno, maybe if she

smashed it with a rock,

we'll all just blink out of

existence.

Or maybe nothing would happen,

I don't know.

We have to get it off her.

Look, this isn't funny anymore.

What isn't funny?

Your kids have finally lost it.

They're insisting we actually

did escape from a TV show.

And we're not real.

Is that about the gist of it?

Look, I know how it sounds. If we

had the video, we could show you.

But the caretaker has it, and she's

dangerous. Ok, that's enough.

I don't want to hear any more about

videos and sitcoms and caretakers.

She wants to erase us from existence!

Are you going to say anything?

What d'ya want me to say?

Do you not care that your kids have

lost their minds?

I can't deal with this.

Oh, yeah?

That's your answer to everything.

Go back to bed.

Why d'ya have to make a

big deal out of everything?

They're just doing a little prank.

It's fine. This isn't a prank!

Why aren't you listening to us?

We're not real.

This family is going off the rails

and you don't even care.

I'm trying my best.

Your son is failing in school.

He's getting into fights and lying.

And what do you do?

Go to bed.

Well, I can't magically make

him smarter, can I?

(Foot stomps)

(The door slams)

Now look what you did.

(Sad music)

(Music continues with muffled

arguing in the background)

Hello, this is Kevin. Over.

Hello, Mr. Kelly.

Delighted to hear from you.

I want to make a deal.

Every time, Tom. He's always

running off. That's not my fault.

I just want some support.

When do I not support you?

Just stop. Stop fighting!

And you wonder why I spend

so much time on my phone?

At least on my phone, I'm not

sad and scared and

sick with worry that

you're gonna break up.

Now, will you stop

thinking about yourselves

and listen to what I'm saying?

What?

That we're fictional characters?

If I just had the video.

I expect this rubbish

from Kevin, not you.

If it’s all rubbish, then explain

this!

(Strange music)

(Sitcom's music and

audience laughter)

Oh my God.

I remember now.

Is it true?

Can it really be true?

Thank you. And about time too.

How could I have forgotten this?

We all forgot.

Our memories must have faded the

longer we were in the real world.

But how did we get here, do you

remember?

The first memory I have of us

outside the sitcom, we were

wandering around the woods,

confused, and then,

someone found us,

and he took us into his home.

He looked after us.

That's right. Yeah.

And then he helped us get our own

place in Dublin and get jobs.

Yeah, and as time went on,

we all forgot.

Yeah!

But how is that possible?

And who was he?

Look, we'll have to save the

questions for later.

Right now, we have to

get out of here.

I'll get Kevin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(She knocks)

Kevin! Open up!

Kevin!

"Gone to the caretaker to give

myself up

so she'll let the rest of you go."

Mum? Dad?!

(Footsteps)

Let's go! Yeah!

(Music)

(Footsteps)

(Music continues, with footsteps)

Kevin!

Oh, Kevin!

Oh thank God!

What were you thinking?

You scared the life out of us!

She said she'd let you all

go if I gave myself up.

Gave yourself up?

You mean go back inside the video?

And you actually thought

we'd want that?

(Sounding upset)

You'd be happier without me. What?

I know it's my fault you got sad.

You were happy before I started

doing bad in school.

So if I was gone, you'd

go back to normal.

How can you say that?

That's the stupidest thing I ev--

Don't, don't.

Come here. Come here.

I'm the worst Da in the world.

The very worst.

I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm gonna be

better from now on, I promise.

It all makes sense now.

In the sitcom world, everything

always works out fine.

But real life is not like that

and I

I couldn't deal with it.

And that's why

I got depressed.

Nothing is your fault.

You're perfect, Kevin.

Absolutely perfect.

Things are going to be different

from now on.

As soon as we get back home,

I'm going to get help, okay?

And whatever happens, wherever

we have to face,

we do it together

as a family.

Okay?

So now what?

Now we get out of here and go home.

But what about the video?

It doesn't matter.

If the caretaker thought

she could get rid of us

she'd have done it by now.

We're going home.

We don't belong here.

We don't fit in.

We may not come from here,

but we made a home here,

and we belong here as

much as anyone else.

Let's go.

(Gentle music continues,

with birdsong)

(Suitcases thud, and the

car boot shams shut)

No no no no no!

What are we gonna do?

Are you kidding me?

She won't let us leave.

This is ridiculous.

What do we do now?

The caretaker has the keys.

What if we all rush her at once?

She can't fight all of us off.

No violence, thank you.

We're all grown ups here.

No, we're gonna go see the caretaker

to talk this over like rational

civilised people, OK?

But, she's a total wacko!

Kevin, that is not helpful.

This is what I do for a living: Use

positive, constructive communication

to reach win win solutions.

Right, where does this nutcase live?

I'll do the talking.

(Footsteps, and the

music reaches a crescendo)

(Knock on the door)

(The door squeaks open)

Well now, I wasn't expecting the

whole family, Mr. Kelly.

Hi, there. So

Look, I feel like we've all gotten

off on the wrong foot here.

And, yes, we have a situation, but I

think if we all sit down and talk,

we'll be able to sort this out.

What do you say?

I say I'll put the kettle on.

(Tea pours into a cup)

(Clock ticking)

First of all, thank you so much for

welcoming us into your home

and being so hospitable.

You're very welcome, dear.

Now, I understand you're keen for

us to return to the

sitcom world we came from.

Can I invite you to share

your thoughts on this?

Well, you just don't belong here.

I believe you should go back

to where you came from.

Thank you for sharing that.

So from our perspective, regardless

of where we came from, we have made

a home here, with friends and jobs,

and we would like to stay.

Do you see pet, the problem is your

perspective isn't valid.

I see, and can I ask

why you think that?

Because you're an abomination

against the natural order.

Ah now, hang on!

Tom, it's okay.

Can you tell me why that is?

This proves it.

Ye weren't born real people.

Ye escaped from

who knows where, through

unnatural means.

But how do you know that we're--

Of course you don't want

to go back home.

But freaks of nature

don't belong here.

Now, can I ask that you please

refrain from using language that--

We can't have evil creatures

invading our land, and spreading

who knows what evil?

Come on. Evil is a bit much,

isn't it?

Who knows what unnatural infections

I've already caught from spending

time with your son.

Don't talk that way about my son!

Or what evil spells he's

tried to cast on me.

If you say one more word

about my son,

I will not put up with it,

you cranky old witch!

Positive, constructive

communication, is it?

Let me tell you something:

I've worked hard to

build a life here.

And yes, sometimes it's hard and

exhausting and drives me crazy.

But you know what? I would not

give it up for one second.

So here's what's going to happen.

You're going to give us that video.

We're going to walk out of here and

never see each other again.

Is that clear?

Perfectly clear dear.

Only I don't think that's

going to happen.

And why not?

I've added a little something

special

to the tea you've been drinking

for the last ten minutes.

You wha'?

You should be kicking in around now.

(Dreamy music,

and weird ticking noises)

Huh!

(The spoon clinks inside the mug)

You sneaky

little

(Bang!)

(Crash!)

(Thump!)

Call

the police.

Not a fan of the old tea,

Kevin - are we?

Oh, dear.

We'll just have to do

it the hard way.

Put that phone down.

Give me that video!

(Eerie birdcalls)

(Dramatic music)

(Footsteps)

(Door squeaks open, then slams)

(Kevin breathing hard)

(Birds)

(The caretaker hums to herself)

Aw,

I hope ye all had a lovely nap.

Where's Kevin?

He's safe. We'll be seeing him soon.

He just needed a little

time to cool off.

You know what kids are like.

Oh, you didn't touch your cake.

You drugged our tea!

I'll wrap it up in a bit of tinfoil,

and you can take it with you.

Right. I'm going to the kitchen to

wash these,

but I better not catch you trying

to escape,

or I'll have to get

rid of ye the old fashioned way!

(Evil laughter)

What?

(Dad struggles)

Katie,

do you have your phone?

Can you reach it?

Yeah, I got it.

The coast is clear.

Call for help.

Hey, guys. Katie here.

I'm having the craziest day,

so, looks like I've been kidnapped by

a mental--

Katie!

What are you doing?

Posting a call for help.

I meant call the guards.

Oh, like you mean make a phone call?

Yes.

Oh.

How do you do it again?

I never ring people.

Now, now!

I told you to behave.

(Dramatic music)

Oops!

(Breaking glass)

I swear,

if it's the last thing that I do,

I will end you for breaking my phone!

Seriously?

You swear vengeance for your phone,

but not when she threatens

to k*ll your parents.

(Mum huffs)

She loves that phone!

(Woodland sounds)

(Eerie silence)

(Whispering) Come on,

think of something!

You're not stupid

Think!

(Walkie-talkie noise)

Hello? Are you there?

Over.

Hello my dear.

Have you had some time to

think things through?

Are my family safe?

Yes, my dear, they are

perfectly safe.

Okay.

I give up, you win.

I'll give you the video and go back,

as long as you promise that

we all go back together.

And you won't destroy the tape after.

Agreed.

Glad you've come to your

senses, Kevin.

Meet me in the shed,

and bring the video.

Okay.

Over and out.

(Walkie-talkie noise)

(Tense music)

Where's Kevin?

He's fine.

But if ever you want

to see him again,

you'll do exactly as I say.

Now

we're going on a little trip.

(Music builds to a crescendo)

(New eerie music starts)

(Door bursts open)

Hello, Mr. Kelly.

Oh Kevin, thank God

you're all right.

I didn't know what else to do.

That's fine.

As long as you're okay

that's all that matters.

Are you all right?

Did you bring the video?

Thank you, my dear.

I have a chair for you right there.

It's okay Kevin, honestly.

You know, you'll be happier

back where you came from.

You're full of cabbage!

He means crap.

You're full of crap!

It's okay.

This time you can say crap.

This is what you wanted, Kevin.

You know you don't fit in here.

If you're what fitting in looks like

then I'm glad I don't fit in.

I'm sorry -

I couldn't think of anything to do.

There's no need to be sorry.

None of this is your fault.

Well Mum, looks like you finally

got your family movie night.

(Weird music comes from the TV)

What's that?

(TV Robot) Destroy!

Destroy!

Destroy!

What is this?

This is--

This isn't your show?

Huh?

Kevin? What's going on?

What did you do?

Sometimes to do good, you

have to be a bit bad!

What does that even mean?

(TV noise)

No - don't look! Close your eyes.

(Static from the TV)

You switched the tapes!

Oh my god!

(TV zapping noises)

Destroy!

(Indistinct shouting)

Set me free!

What is that?!

What's happening?

I switched the tape.

Where's our video?

I have it right here.

Okay.

Destroy!

Destroy!

Come on.

Get away from me, you

metal abomination!

No, I can't look!

Let's go!

You can't just leave her with the

robot.

Who knows what it'll do. (Destroy!)

Send it back to the video!

Kevin!

Let me go!

Oh, no!

Robot, look!

That's your home.

What's that going to do?

(Music, a big expl*si*n noise,

and TV static)

It's working!

They're being sucked back in!

They both are!

(The video clicks off)

(Calm music)

You came up with switching the

tapes all by yourself?

Not bad

My son's a genius!

(They laugh)

Oh.

Can we go home now?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah!

(Gentle music continues,

With birdsong)

How was that for?

I know you really wanted to go back

to your old life, but

you gave it up for us.

You look different somehow.

I don't have my phone.

Oh. It's actually kind

of nice for a change.

It really is a lot of pressure

being cool all the time.

Mum, Kevin's being mean to me again.

I didn't even say anything.

Yeah, but it was the way

you didn't say it!

Kevin, don't be mean to your sister.

I wasn't even!

(Happy music)

(TV static)

What am I doing here?

How did I get here?

I don't belong here!

(Banging on glass)

Oh, I'll get ye Kellys! I'll get ye!

(Dramatic chord,

leading into the end credit music)