01x16 - Mountaineer Man

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock theme music playing]

The Fable

Mountaineer Man

- [Akira] This one's a little small.
- [hisses]

Be careful! That's a venomous snake.

- [knife swishes]
- [soft gasp]

The knife handle...

[Kuro] Whoa! All that was inside?

[Akira] That's why it's not
a very strong knife construction.

But it does have a useful design.

[Kuro] You're harvesting its poison?

What'll you do with it?

I'll use this poison on the bear.

[exclaims]
How will you do that, Nii-san?

Won't the poison k*ll the bear?

This much won't k*ll a bear.
It's too little.

Just some pain and swelling
for a few days.

[Akira] They're not weak like humans.

Wow. Is that right?

For the bear's sake, it has to be taught

that messing with humans
will only cause it pain.

- [knife clinks]
- [grunts]

[Kuro] Another snake dissection...
The third one.

- At last, I think I'm used to it.
- [squelching]

But part of me still isn't.

However, I do know
that snake meat is delicious.

And viper...
[gulps]

...is especially tasty!

[sighs]

[Yoko]
I was wearing a short skirt last time too.

Kawai's type likes whatever the fad is.

They like designer goods
and are concerned about looks.

[sighs]

I want Kawai to like me even more.

I want to send his heart fluttering
and make him all mine.

And I want to drink with him
and watch him crawl because he can't walk.

I want to talk with you

when you're so drunk
that you can't form words.

I want to hear you speak

when I can't understand
what you're saying.

Stare at me with glazed and sleepy eyes.

You see... I can't help it.
I've got nothing to do.

- [Kuro] It's getting dark.
- [bird cawing]

[Akira] Yeah.

- [crunches]
- [grunts]

I wonder if the bear will show up.

[Akira]
Well, it's best if it doesn't show up.

But it's better...

if we prepare for how to deal with it
if it does show up.

[exclaims]

[♪ ethereal music playing]

[groans]
Huh?

[soft gasp]

[♪ ethereal music playing]

[gasps]

[soft grunt]

- [♪ comical music playing]
- [Kuro] I'm getting a total b*ner.

Is this because...

I ate viper meat?

[Akira] People believe that
bears are nocturnal, but they are also...

[Kuro] Nii-san's telling me about bears,
but I'm here with a woodie.

I'm sorry, Nii-san.
You're preparing to fight a bear, but I'm...

I've got a massive woodie!

- [door bell jingling]
- [door closes]

- It's been a while, bartender.
- [bartender] Kawai.

You're early today. The first, in fact.

Yeah, well...

Today is game day.

Game day?

I'm meeting that girl.

You know, the one I talked to
the other day here, Yoko.

Oh... her.

[Yuki] She's top-class,
being from Tokyo and all.

Yeah, she is cute...
[awkward chuckle]

I'll get her to a hotel tonight
and get it on with her.

So, come on, bartender, back me up.

Oh, I see...

That girl, huh?

I won't make you look bad.

In fact, I could date
a girl like that for quite a while.

[awkward grunt]
Mm...

How come I'm so darn alpha?

Such a burden.

[bartender] Kawai.

Lots of luck.

[Akira] The way a bear attacks is
pretty simple.

It tackles you
and overwhelms you with its strength.

It swings its arms
using its claws as weapons and...

- What's wrong?
- Well, uh...

[Kuro] We'll be facing off against a bear,
but that viper gave me a raging hard-on.

I could never say that!

[Kuro] Nii-san,
aren't you afraid of bears?

Bears? Why? Are you afraid of them?

Yeah! Bears are bad news.

They could k*ll you.

[Kuro] But I've got a woodie.

Don't worry.

There's one thing
that all bears don't understand.

Humans are smarter than them.

I understand that logic.

But in a fight, they've got
the advantage in power, weight, and skill.

Just relax.
If you're nervous, you'll get stiff.

[Kuro] I know.
A part of me is very stiff.

Hmm?

[rustling]

[sniffs]

[Akira] The scent of an animal.

- I think it's here.
- [gasps, grunts]

Can't we use the campfire?

Don't animals hate fire?

[Akira] Unfortunately, a flame
the size of a campfire won't scare a bear.

Why are you crouched over?

[Kuro] Well, I, uh...

Anyone who eats that much viper
gets like that.

[Akira] Don't worry about it.

[Kuro] I'm sorry!

[Kuro] He could totally tell!

Do just what I tell you.

We'll teach it to fear humans
in six seconds.

Okay!

- [rustling]
- [bear grunts]

[huffing]

Oh.

[♪ soft music playing]

Yoko, over here.

Okay.

[bartender] I can sense it...

Tonight is going to be a wild one.

Did you wait long?

[Yuki] I just got here.

[bartender] Liar! You've been
scheming here for a whole hour.

Anyway... A man and a woman,

deceiving one another,
in a night of flirtatious drinking.

Stepping into the ring tonight
at Bar Buffalo are these two.

Neither of them are ordinary customers.

This is Yuki Kawai,
the Muhammad Ali of Buffalo.

He is by far
the number-one heartbreaker at this bar.

His footwork when hitting on women
is lighter than a butterfly's.

I've seen countless women
cry over him at this bar.

He floats like a butterfly
from woman to woman,

penetrating each with his "stinger."

In the other corner
is the mysterious beauty Yoko,

who recently moved here.

She is one of the hottest-looking women
to have ever visited Buffalo.

But she has an allure
that goes beyond just looks.

And she uses it
to grip men's hearts like a vise.

I love drinking,
but I can't hold my liquor.

So I'm sorry if I get drunk
and do or say weird things tonight.

I'm afraid if I don't tell you that
ahead of time...

[soft moan]
Don't worry.

[bartender] There it is!
She's drawn first blood.

Okay, bartender. The usual.

The usual?

Bartender, can you make
a vodka-based sweet but strong drink?

Oh, a lady-k*ller c*ck, eh?

When I ask for "the usual," give us that.

And make mine light on the vodka.

The usual. Got it.

[bartender] Very well.
Since I promised, I'll serve it.

However, we need to keep this fair, Kawai.

That's right.
You both get the same amount of vodka.

[Yoko] This is delicious.
[giggles]

[bartender] The starting bell
has rung in Kawai vs. Yoko.

It's about to begin.

Keep on your guard.

[crackling]

[Yoko] Yuki Kawai.
He looks about 24 or 25.

A high-end watch, a designer shirt,
faintly sweet cologne,

snowboarding, and jet skiing.

A shallow warrior whose whole life
is dedicated to getting laid.

[inhales sharply]
What a splendid toy.

What's the matter?

When you stare like that,
it makes me blush.

[soft gasp]
I'm not staring.

[Yuki] Oh, Yoko.
I totally get why you're entranced by me.

The way you get flustered is just so cute.

Are you just as shy when in bed?

Do you like having the lights off?

Sorry, but I always keep the lights on,
even if the power is out.

I want you under the lights
so I can imprint you on my mind.

After you get drunk tonight, Yoko,
we're going to a love hotel.

Eh? Oh, don't stare like that.
You're making me blush.

This is payback for earlier.

- [Yoko] Eh! Oh, you.
- [Yuki chuckles]

[bartender]
These two are truly flirt masters.

They start with some jabs
to measure each other up.

The truth is,
I wanted to call you even sooner.

But my brother hasn't been well.

Ah. You mean your weak and sickly brother
you told me about before?

Yes.

[Yuki] So...
[inhales sharply]

...is your brother all right?

Yes.

Yesterday, he went to the mountains
where the air is better.

Oh, I've heard about
those convalescent homes.

That's right.
It's given me a little break too.

I couldn't help
wanting to get a little drunk tonight.

Ah, don't you worry!
Get drunk. I'll see you home.

[Yoko chuckles]

[Yoko] Just the part about him
going to the mountains is true.

[fire crackling]

[Kuro] No sight of that bear.

Maybe it went somewhere else.

[Akira] No. It's even closer than before.

Can't you smell the animal scent?

[sniffs]
No.

[sniffing]
I don't smell it at all.

[sniffing continues]

Yuki, do you like going to the mountains
and doing outdoor stuff?

I love going camping.
I've even got a barbecue set.

And I've always got a tent
and sleeping bag at the ready.

The outdoors is just the place for a man
to get in touch with his true nature.

[Yoko] Really?
I didn't expect you to like the outdoors.

How come?
I'm a guy who absolutely loves barbecuing.

Meat grilled outdoors
is really delicious, isn't it?

- And it's nice with a little lemon.
- [bartender exclaims]

A little lemon is nice.
Especially with salted beef tongue.

I've always had a thing for lemons.

I put it on everything.

I've loved lemons since I was a girl.

I was always wanting lemons.

Lemons?

[bartender]
This talk about lemons is a ruse.

The Drunk Queen's ruthless attack
is about to begin.

Say, bartender.
Do you have a drink that goes with lemon?

[Yoko] Wait! Is there really a drink
that goes with lemon?

- [bartender grunts]
- [Yoko] Lemons, got it? Lemons.

You're a pro, right?
A bartending pro, right?

[bartender] Leave this to me. I'm a pro.

If you like lemons that much,
you should try tequila.

Lemon and tequila is an unbeatable combo.

Oh, right. You bite a lemon with it.

[Yoko] You bite a lemon?

How do you do it? Can we have it together?

Two tequilas coming up.

First, take a shot of tequila.
[gulps]

- Then bite the lemon wedge.
- [squirts]

You can have the lemon first too.
Whichever is easier.

Enjoy the tequila's flavor
and the sourness of the lemon.

I'm getting all excited now.
Watch me, okay?

[gulps]

[Yoko exhales heavily]

- [♪ whimsical music playing]
- [soft grunt]

[soft moan]

[Yoko exclaims pleasantly]

[gasps]

This is so delicious.

Another tequila, bartender.

Oh, drink with me, Yuki.

Make that two.

[bartender] Coming right up.

[bartender]
You've got it all wrong, Kawai.

You're the one getting set up.

Whoever drowns in tequila first loses.

The smell is getting stronger. It's close.

S-Seriously?

[heavy steps approaching]

- [bear growls]
- [Kuro screams]

You bad boy.

[whimpers]
Nii-san! Help me!

[whooshes]

[growls]

[roars]

[growls]

- [squelches]
- [Akira] Nice.

- [bear groans]
- Now that bear will be afraid of humans.

It'll be in agony
from that viper poison for a while.

This will teach it

- that humans are big trouble.
- [panting]

[Akira] It'll get cold tonight.

How about we make some pine tea?

[Kuro] What? This is how he acts
after fighting off a bear?

Nii-san is totally amazing!

Yay! Our 20th shot of tequila!

Y-Yay...

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[squirts]

[soft groaning]

Yuki, are you okay?

Hold still now.
This trick will sober you up.

Don't worry. These are just pistachios.

[laughs]

[bartender] The Drunk Queen Yoko
is overwhelmingly victorious.

Not only can she hold her liquor,
her heart's as tough as nails.

[retching]

You okay, Mr. Kawai?

[coughs, babbles weakly]

[Yoko] I get it.

That was, "Ptui. I'm fine, Yoko."

- [Yuki retches]
- Sounded like, "Peh Daiyocha."

Like a Korean actor's name.

With his face in the toilet,
he says, "Peh Daiyocha."

After Takahashi's "Wait for myee,"
it's another classic. "Peh Daiyocha."

Is Kawai all right?

- [Yoko] Things are just getting started.
- [clanks]

- [gasps]
- [thumps]

[Yoko] Here he comes.

- Here comes Peh Daiyocha.
- [thumps]

How will he appear?
What kind of look will be on his face?

It feels like I'm waiting
for a concert to start!

- Come on, let's see it, Peh Daiyocha.
- [clanks]

- [grunting]
- There he is!

[squeals excitedly]
He's looking for something to grab onto!

- [grunts, yelps]
- [Yoko squeals]

It's like he dove into a pool!

- [bartender gasps]
- [amused chuckle]

[Yoko] Come on, stand up.

Stand up for me, Peh Daiyocha!

- [Yuki grunts]
- [♪ dramatic menacing music playing]

Oh, I love it!
It's like a scene from a horror flick.

- [Yuki chuckles awkwardly]
- Yes! A zombie!

- Get a taxi!
- [♪ whimsical music sting]

No! Get an ambulance!

- [insects chirping]
- [owl hooting]

[soft gasp]

- [Yoko] Get a taxi!
- No! Get an ambulance!

[Yuki] What? A taxi?
I'm not letting you leave, Yoko.

That's because I swore to myself
that I'd bed you tonight.

[Yuki] Tonight,
me and you are getting it on!

- We're going to bang all night long!
- [Yuko gasps]

[Yoko] Amazing! Absolutely amazing!

He's saying out loud
what he's telling himself!

Such intensity!

The bloodstained man who declared
we'd bang all night is getting closer.

- I love this horror movie feel!
- [♪ dramatic music playing]

This is so thrilling!
So incredibly thrilling!

My goodness!
Just look how desperate he is to bang me!

[shouts]
Yoko!

[grunts]

Water... Water...

[awkward grunt, chuckle]

[Yoko] Drink this.

- [♪ whimsical music sting]
- It's water.

- [gulps]
- [bartender] That's tequila!

- [spits]
- [bartender yells]

[gags]

- Frothing like a crab?
- No! Alcohol poisoning!

[Yuki farting]

- [line ringing]
- It seems the crab's insides are...

Stop! Don't you dare say it!

Hello? I need an ambulance.

Okay, I think I'll be going.

[bartender] Yes, that's right.

I think he's got acute alcohol poisoning.

And he's... uh... he pooped in his pants.

[♪ light music playing]

[Yoko] His pulse and breathing are fine.

You're getting way too worried.

I think Kawai just drank too much.

That's 100% for sure.

[Yoko] Tomorrow, I've got to pick up
my sickly brother in the mountains.

I'm pretty busy, so I'll call it a night.

[bartender] What a battle.

The Drunk Queen Yoko wins by a mile.

A sensational KO victory.

A crushing defeat
for the generational playboy, Kawai.

A man and a woman,

deceiving one another,
in a night of flirtatious drinking.

[birds chirping]

[water splashing]

[Kuro] Just like Nii-san kept saying,
this definitely wasn't camping.

A lot happened,
but last night was incredible.

That bear scared me to death.

Smarts and innovation, huh?

- [♪ calm music playing]
- What you learn in nature

can usually be used in some way
in the opposite world of the city.

[Kuro] In the city,
you can buy what you need.

But it's not that way here.

It takes all your smarts

to catch snakes, frogs,
or even a single grasshopper.

[Akira] Morning.

That dagger spear I threw at the bear...

I looked for it but couldn't find it.

That's okay! Don't worry about it.

I feel kind of bad for the bear.

I hope I didn't injure the bear too badly.

Nii-san, can I ask you a question?

[Kuro] Just one question.

The tools you use in your work...

Are they all things you can buy
just about anywhere?

[Akira] Yeah.

Everything but my g*n
can be bought anywhere.

If they don't have what I need, I make it.

I don't use anything special.

My targets will do anything to survive.

So lots of unexpected things happen.

Usually, things never go as planned.

That's exactly why I come here

to get in the habit
of using smarts and innovation.

I've still got a lot to learn though.

I hope that someday,
the only special thing I need is myself.

- [amazed gasp]
- [♪ exciting music playing]

[Akira]
Okay, let's make our way back down.

Put out that fire.

[Kuro] Yes, sir.

[sizzling]

[car engine rumbling]

[engine revving]

- [water rushing]
- There's no way!

Come on. Jump.

[Kuro whimpering]

Okay!

[humming]

Honeybees are most aggressive
right now, before winter.

Good thing they're not hornets.

- [honeybees buzzing]
- [Kuro] My nose got stung!

Will I be okay?

Come on! Run!
It's just a little swollen. It'll be fine.

As expected of me. I'm five minutes early.

So, where are those boys?

[Yoko exclaims]
There they are. My brother and...

Who's that?

[Yoko] How was your trip in the mountains?

Was it useful?

No, it was normal.

Nii-san, you fought a bear!

Seriously? A bear?

- Ah.
- [rustling]

Since I lost your dagger,
you can have this.

- What's that?
- A Blackhawk knife.

I bought it for going to the mountains,
but I didn't use it this time.

[surprised exclaim]
Seriously? Can I really have it?

That's the kind of knife I used to use.

It's the same kind I lost
when I stabbed a bear in the eye with it.

Isn't that great, Kuro?

That's like a souvenir.

[amazed gasp]

I've heard
humanity's oldest tool is the knife.

It's more useful than a tie.

[Akira] You can thrust, peel,
break, cut, scrape, and tear with it.

Thank you so much! I'll treasure it!

[Yoko] You know, you two guys stink.

Open the window!

[Akira] We do?

[Kuro] Thank you so much!

[♪ upbeat closing theme music playing]

Next Episode
Rei Utsubo