01x06 - Revenge

[bunniefuu]

Have you ever found it? ♪

Have you really found love? ♪

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About it ♪

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Now all you do is hate me ♪

Holy sh*t!

Andre's live streaming

It's a Brand New Dre. Do we listen?

Eh, okay.

Hello, Dre-niacs, and welcome to a special

Sunday edition of It's a Brand New Dre

with your host, me, Dre.

As you all know,

this podcast is usually

about self-love and self-care,

but sometimes trauma runs so deep

that all the self-help in the world

can't fix it.

I recently discovered my boyfriend

and my best girlfriend,

they were having an affair behind my back.

Oh!

sh*t!

I caught them mouth-to-mouth,

and she did not need resuscitating.

I'll pause for gasps.

Betrayers, they're worse than murderers.

Even worse than dog murderers

because at least their victims

are out of their misery.

You think you know

who your friends and lovers are

until they sever your emotional d*ck

and stab you.

And there's no coming back from that.

I'm sorry. Is that too far?

I can't tell anymore

because I'm broken.

But seriously, I mean,

what type of person would wanna

hurt someone that loves them?

So what do you do?

Usually, I say be the bigger person,

turn the other cheek.

But there are those rare times

where forgiveness isn't enough,

when the pain is too deep.

In those deeply painful times,

you just need

to call those assholes out by name.

f*ck you, Cam and Demi!

We're out of toilet paper,

and you should probably do the laundry,

specifically a T-shirt of yours

that may or may not

have been used as toilet paper.

Oh!

Is that Hermès?

Hand-rolled edges?

Oh, the print is perfect.

Mm.

Copywritten? Wait, this is real!

Where did you get this?

Have you been hooking? JK!

But seriously, you shouldn't steal.

So she's rich. Where do you think

someone who owns this lives?

Hm

Mm. I'm getting coastal vibes.

Oh.

Or I'm smelling

a hint of Kardashian Calabasas.

Mm. No! I'm smelling,

mm, saggy ba*ls,

tennis court, Beverly Hills.

Oh!

Is that Chanel N°5?

No.

- Chanel N°10, so she's double rich.

- Oh.

Oh, money. Mm.

Bel Air, Holmby Hills?

Hey, don't forget to tell Rusty

to add TP to the grocery list.

Wait. What's your stance on revenge?

I'm all for it,

unless it's about your T-shirt.

Nope.

Then, yeah, I'm all for it.

- Ah!

- Ow!

Ugh, not here.

Sorry. PDA now just feels

like publicly disrespecting Andre.

Don't let what he said

on the show get to you.

I'm the other woman,

and now the whole school knows.

You're the only woman.

This is why

I didn't wanna break up with him,

because I knew that he'd react like this.

What we did to him was traumatizing.

What if he could never open up his heart

to anyone again?

He was traumatized

when skinny jeans went out of style.

So I think he's gonna be okay.

He said he was broken.

Okay, look. Neither one of us wanted to

hurt Andre, but what happened, happened.

And we can't change that

or control how he feels about it.

All we can do is try to move past it

and focus on us.

Demi, this is finally

our chance to be together.

- Oh!

- Home-wrecker!

What home?

Revenge!

Ow! Gloria, what the hell?

Why did you just hit me in the face?

Oh, sorry. I was aiming for your nuts!

How if I'm sitting down?

- It doesn't matter!

- Okay?

Not okay! How dare you blow off my sister?

Wait, why are you mad?

You want me to be into your sister?

Oh, why not?

You're into everyone else! A wh*re!

Gloria, stop! You're acting crazy!

I'll show you crazy!

C-R-A-Z-Y!

Okay, Gloria, come on.

You're not actually gonna punch

Heard you got luncha-bullied!

- Hey! Gloria's in a fight!

- Gloria's in a fight?

What? But Ines is right here.

Hey. Hey, stop that! Stop it!

Gloria,

I have no words.

Good. Then let's have this convo tomorrow,

after my retrial

for the bent arm hang record.

No.

Can I help you?

I I'm here for my daughter, Gloria.

Oh, I was expecting your partner.

- My partner?

- I'm sorry.

I mean, your husband, Javier?

I'm Javier.

That must get confusing in your house.

Well, anyway, as you know,

this is Gloria's last strike.

When was her first strike?

First, the party, now this? I don't know

what's going on with you, Glo.

Tonio!

Javier?

Oh no!

- This isn't my dentist's office.

- I don't know who I'm more upset with.

My short-tempered daughter

or my dumbass brother.

You impersonated me?

It wasn't really an impersonation

as much as an original interpretation.

And also, I never knew you'd find out.

Why couldn't you

keep your fists to yourself?

I might have to pay workers' comp.

Don't come at me. Why wasn't

the home phone routed to your cell?

- What do I pay you for?

- You pay him?

Not in a timely fashion.

It was routed, but you were texting me at

the same time, which bumps the connection

'cause your dad won't upgrade our service.

You're on our family plan?

And how was I supposed to know

your dad was gonna be home

in the middle of the day?

Yeah, Dad, why were you home?

You're never home

in the middle of the day.

- What happened?

- Your sister got expelled.

Expelled?

For fighting my battle?

I didn't ask you to do that!

Now it makes sense. Ines, what did you do?

Why did you get your sister expelled?

I did nothing!

This is not on Ines!

Gloria, stop protecting your sister.

I'm so disappointed in you!

As am I!

Sorry, I'm still in Javier mode.

- You go to my car!

- Oh!

Where were you when your sister needed you

to hold her back?

Why is this my fault?

Ines, stop being selfish. You're supposed

to look out for each other.

Now go to class! Come on.

Sorry.

I mean, he got us drunk

and locked us in a room together.

Our hands were tied, literally!

And if we're being honest here,

our love started first.

Andre's the interloper.

We barely knew him in seventh grade.

So this isn't our fault.

So this is not what anyone

should be focused on or upset about,

not with global warming

and and drowning polar bears.

That's what people should be upset about.

The polar bears, right?

Are you talking to me?

No.

Well, well, well.

I spy with my little eye

a very big spiral. Guilty much?

Andre, can we please talk?

Two o'clock. I'd love to have

you and Cam on today's Dre-cast

to hash things out publicly.

wh*re.

How about privately after you wrap?

How about no?

Anything you have to say,

you can say in front of the Dre-niacs.

At this point, I'm good in my feelings,

but they're out for blood.

Andre, I wanna make things right,

but I don't wanna fan the flames

of your followers' negative energy.

So maybe it's better

if we just gave each other some space,

and then we can reconnect

when cooler heads prevail?

Boo!

b*tch!

We are gonna have a long talk

when I get home tonight,

but until then,

go to your room, both of you!

This is your fault!

I'm not the one

who needs anger management.

And I'm not the one

who needs loser management!

That bad retort's gonna cost you 20

on top of the 50

for today's school appearance.

Of course the trash is full.

Hello?

Demi, I think my dad is lying to me

about how sick he is.

What? Why?

At the party, I found a handwritten will,

and now I just found a hospital bracelet

and a pamphlet for chemo.

I think Cinnamon's premonition

might be about my dad's cancer.

Slow down.

What premonition are you talking about?

I haven't wanted to say it out loud

in case it makes it come true.

I get that.

You're worried you'll manifest it.

So I just wrote it in my BuJo.

You wrote it down?

Uh Oh, I'll take this in the hall.

Jesus Christ, Gloria.

That is so much worse.

It's basic manifest logic.

You don't write down the bad sh*t.

It seals the fate.

When did Cinnamon give you a premonition?

When I went back into the house to pee.

She stopped me, and then told me what

I don't wanna say but I did write down!

Have you shown your BuJo

and the written premonition to anyone?

- No.

- Don't.

Demi, maybe all of this

has to do with the curse in the box.

We need to find Mariluna.

We can't expect her

to show up at the house again.

We have to go find her.

- But how?

- I don't know.

But, Demi, do me a favor.

Keep an eye on Ines at school for me.

- I got you.

- Thank you.

- Why aren't you in class?

- Why aren't you?

I'm the one asking the questions.

Well, what's an education good for

when I'm destined for the pole?

Oh, come on.

You don't have the chest for it

or, frankly, the rhythm.

There's a lot of complex dancing

on the main stage.

Great. Then I guess I'm destined

to be shitty at that too.

What's going on?

Where's your annoying, typical narcissism?

I hit my bandwidth on being an as*h*le.

Well, you're not one all the time.

Okay, most of the time, but you get

some points for self-awareness.

Oh, already feeling better.

You need to get over

feeling guilty for Gloria's expulsion.

You didn't do anything wrong.

It's not like you did what I did.

It's not like you broke up a relationship.

sh*t.

I am a home-wrecker.

I gotta own it.

I gotta go on that podcast.

- It's a trap.

- It's not a trap.

- Oh, right. It's an ambush.

- Isn't an ambush the same thing as a trap?

Yes, which is why you can't do this.

All Andre does is trap and ambush us!

I think Andre wants reconciliation.

He's a Libra.

Don't do it.

I have a really good feeling about this.

So, do you think your insistence

upon stealing other people's men

stems from your daddy issues?

Daddy, why?

Why are you hiding all this?

Hey. What are you doing?

- Nothing. What are you doing?

- Nothing.

Dad, sit down.

Oh, sounds important.

- No. Go to your room.

- No, I'm gonna stay here.

Tonio, I need you

in this conversation too.

Why does he get to stay, and I have to go?

Ines, do as your sister says.

I don't want to.

Ama, please go.

Dad, sit.

How is it that you got expelled,

and I'm the one having a sit-down talk?

Because you're lying about your cancer.

And that's your top 20 things that you,

Demi, need to work on as a person.

That doesn't feel constructive.

One of them was just my personality.

Oh, don't worry. We're getting into

breaking them down into more detail.

Is there any water?

Do I look like a water boy?

I actually don't know. Who are you?

This is Benji, my new tech guy

slash potential new cohost.

Next on the agenda,

how you destroyed a lifetime of happiness,

which included four or five kids

and/or pugs.

Okay, I'm really sorry,

but honestly, this is enough.

Really, is there any liquid in the room?

- A sweaty pit reveals a guilty heart.

- Of course I feel guilty, Andre.

I know what I did was wrong,

and I'm sorry.

I can't emphasize how sorry I am,

but I didn't destroy your relationship.

- You would've broken up eventually.

- I don't think so.

We talked about our retirement summer home

in Lake Arrowhead.

Okay, first of all, Cam must've not

been listening, because he hates lakes.

- He thinks they're rivers who gave up.

- No. He would've told me that.

Maybe he did tell you,

and you just didn't listen.

Just like you haven't heard him

or seen any of the signs

he's been trying

to break up with you for months.

Now I know you're lying.

No, I'm not.

Remember when he gave you

that shitty wooden box?

He was trying to give you

the worst present ever

so that you'd break up with him.

It even had the wrong initials on it,

but you just see what you wanna see.

You're not lying.

That's enough for today.

I guess you're not the reason we ended.

- I'm sorry.

- No, I needed to know.

- Thank you for telling me.

- It's a brand new Dre ♪

Okay ♪

- Demi?

- Yes?

You're still a home-wrecking wh*re.

Just not an evil one.

If you aren't that sick,

why are you spending $5,000

that you don't have on life insurance?

Because I wanna ensure

that you're taken care of when I'm gone.

See? I'm right!

Wait. I'm

I'm right? Dad, how right am I?

Stage-three right.

Is that out of ten?

Four.

What does that mean?

It just means we have limited time

to get Dad on a plan of attack.

No.

Short of experimental treatments,

which my insurance won't cover,

and I can't afford

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I just couldn't bring myself

to tell you the truth.

No. There has to be something we can do.

I love you, mija.

But sometimes,

there's battles you just can't win.

Hey.

You okay? How are you feeling?

You mean, since finding out

Dad's cancer has progressed

and there's nothing we can do?

There is always something to do.

We're gonna figure this out. I promise.

Gloria,

there's something that I need to tell you.

- I don't know how to say this. I'm just

- I need to tell you something first.

Finding out tonight that Dad has been

keeping such a big secret to protect us,

it made me realize

I'm doing the same thing.

I'm trying to protect you.

I'm not trying to lie to you

or hide things

or seemingly fight your battles

like I did today.

There's more to it than you know,

and I'm sorry,

but that is all I can tell you right now.

So you're telling me

that you're not telling me something.

It's for your own good.

Shouldn't I be the one

to decide what's for my own good?

God, why does everyone

treat me like I'm a baby?

Please, trust me.

Do I even have another choice?

You know, actually don't answer.

I know. I don't.

Wait.

- What were you gonna tell me?

- It doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

- Just another kid who's too friendly ♪

- Friendly ♪

Sipping on Sprite like it's brandy ♪

Hoping there's luck what they hand me ♪

What's it gonna take?

Understand me ♪

Gotta prove it to myself ♪

For my family ♪

'Cause I never lose count

On a planned beat ♪

Hey, do you have a minute?

I really need to talk to someone

who will actually listen.

Of course. Everything okay?

Not really,

but I don't wanna talk about that.

But I will talk about Gloria

and how she treats me

like I just came out of the womb.

She never lets me speak.

She sends me to my room.

I mean, seriously, she won't even tell me

what she's not telling me

because she's protecting me.

Bullshit.

- Gloria doesn't even like me.

- Are you kidding?

Gloria is all about you.

This morning, she literally

punched me in the face for you.

She didn't do that for me.

She did that for herself.

What? What does that mean?

Rusty,

you know what I mean.

I thought you said she didn't like me,

that I was pathetic.

I lied.

Then why'd she hit me?

Because I lied to her too.

I'm just being the awful person

that everyone says I am.

Don't say that.

Don't put that out there.

You're just human, trying to figure it out

like the rest of us.

Isn't that what the Manotaur always said?

Yes, but it's a good life mantra.

Hey, can I call you back?

I gotta go.

Did you get my message?

You can't quit. You can't quit now.

Okay, I have to.

I'm sorry. It's getting complicated.

Come on. I really need you.

So do the girls.

Need to work on your form.

Granny style is statistically

more accurate than overhand. Look it up.

Did you come here

to give me basketball tips?

'Cause I've seen you play, and you can't.

So, I, uh, heard the podcast today.

Look, Andre, I really wish things

had gone down differently.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for cheating on me,

or sorry you pretended to care about me?

I wasn't pretending.

If you wanted to break up months ago,

why didn't you?

Because I'm bad at the things.

Words, feelings, color coordination.

Okay. You want the truth?

- If you're even capable.

- Andre

I don't know how to like me like you do.

- Spare me your narcissism.

- That's not what this is.

Please, this is really hard for me.

You're just so authentically you,

all the time, for the whole world to see.

And it's amazing, but

it's also so intimidating

because I don't even know how to be me.

So what are you trying to say?

That I'm still figuring it all out,

which is scary

and seemingly means nothing to you because

you already have it all figured out.

So did I wanna break up with you? Yes.

But do I also really care about you?

Yes.

Both those things are true.

Two things can be true at the same time.

Agreed.

I get it.

I hear you.

You know, since we've broken up,

I had some time to think.

And I realized that I spent so much time

worrying about whether you liked me

that I never stopped to think

Do I like you?

And I don't.

Nailed it.

Nothing but net.

I'll tell Rusty you're still eating.

Hi.

Ines is taking a sh*t.

She'll be out in four to six minutes.

You mind if I

You didn't laugh,

so I feel I have to tell you.

I was joking about Ines pooping.

I'm actually glad you came out here.

- I wanna tell you something.

- Wait! I have to say something first.

I'm sorry I beat you up.

You didn't beat me up.

I did.

But also, I'm not sorry,

because you kissed me

and you shouldn't have.

- Or I shouldn't have because

- Because why?

Because. This, us, it makes no sense.

Is that how you really feel?

What do you think?

- Well, I think we could

- Agreed!

It was a mistake. We're not good together.

So basically, I'm sorry I'm not sorry.

What did you wanna say?

I'm sorry you're not sorry.

I thought we could've been good together.

You ready?

- What did I say about leaving the house?

- I was apologizing to Rusty

I don't care!

Until we can get you back in school,

you're on house arrest!

If you step outside again, being expelled

will be the least of your problems,

'cause you'll be on your way to live

with your grandmother.

- Grandmother

- lives in Mexico.

Yes, and she's a devout Catholic,

which means she's got ins

with nuns at the Catholic schools,

where you'll be attending

and praying you never left the house,

'cause those nuns hit.

Have a good day.

Hey, Rusty, did I ever tell you

about the time I met my wife?

You have a wife?

Two, actually.

A human wife and a horse wife,

but I'm talking about the human.

I was doing a guest lecture at Cornell

and spotted her in the crowd.

I asked her out on the spot

Rusty and the Manotaur ♪

Manotaur Man ♪

He is my very best friend ♪

You are my ♪

Ooh.

Ew.

No

Oh, my chips.

Ah.

Ah.

Oh sh*t.

Sorry, Dad.

Beads of sweat ♪

Under kept ♪

Swept beneath ♪

The black edge ♪

Self control ♪

My regret ♪

Can't compete with that edge ♪

Colors fall dark ♪

Dark ♪

Cradle the spark ♪

Until you have fire ♪

This time I really lost it ♪

I don't know where you are ♪

Let's hope I come across it ♪

In the water ♪

This time I really lost it ♪

I don't know where you are ♪

Let's hope I come across it ♪

In the water ♪

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪