[plane engine roaring]
[Bill Burr]
It's kind of a weird thing to be over 50,
really starting to realize,
like, how f*cked up you are.
[soft music playing]
Like, I thought I did standup
'cause I loved comedy.
And then, what I really
figured out was, like,
no, that's not why I did it.
I did standup because
that was the easiest way
to walk into a room
full of a bunch of people
that I didn't know
and make everybody like me.
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!
All of the way
I've-I've moved through the world
has-has always been like,
where's the place I have
the least chance of being hurt?
[applause, cheering]
Alright, thank you!
Thank you very much!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright.
How are ya? How's it going?
Nice to be here.
[hippie accent]
Nice to be here in Seattle, man.
-[wild cheering]
-Alright?
This is where all
the progressive stuff happens.
-[laughter, cheering dies down]
-[normal] Jesus Christ.
I went up to that Capitol Hill,
the hipster area.
I think I was the only guy
not transitioning.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
f*cking unbelievable.
Um, there's a whole new race
of people out there. Who knew?
Who knew? It used to be, [angry]
"You're either g*y or you're straight!
There's, there's no f*cking in-between!"
[normal] Oh yes, there is.
-Oh yes, there is.
-[audience laughing]
I don't pretend to pay attention.
I am an old man at this point.
I don't watch the news.
You know, people who watch
the news fascinate me.
They're always eyebrows up and [gasping],
and, like, freaking out.
You're like, "Oh, yeah, alright.
"You just wanna walk around
in fight-or-flight mode
-your whole f*cking life?"
-[audience laughing]
[whiny voice] "This is what's happening!
And there's plastic!
"There's plastic in the cereal!
And then it's going into your children,
and then, they're gonna be
little plastic people!"
[normal]
Is there any sort of solution?
[whiny]
"No, no, no! Just this information!
[laughter]
Walk around with this!
Enjoy your workday!"
[normal]
Yeah, I don't pay attention to sh*t.
I don't know what's going on, right?
-[cheering, applause]
-That's... I feel like that--
I mean, I, I, I kinda
know what's going on.
Like, I know Gaza Strip,
that's still going, right?
-[audience laughs nervously]
-[laughing]
Yeah! Alright. Okay, that's going on.
-Well, did you pick a side?
-[audience laughing]
Well, who deserves to live more, right?
I hate that sh*t.
[nasal voice] Well, these kids,
they're-- they more line up
with our foreign policy
than these kids over here.
[normal] And it's just, I don't...
It just-- I don't know. I don't know.
-How the f*ck is w*r still legal in 2024?
-[laughter]
-Can you explain that to me? Like--
-[applause]
I don't want these
Oprah Winfrey applause breaks.
Stop doing that.
I'm just asking the question, alright?
I mean, as a comedian,
I can't call a fat f*ck
a fat f*ck anymore, alright?
Even if he took my last slice of pizza
and is denying it
with pepperoni on his breath,
I can't be like,
"You fat, man-titted c**t.
I know what you did. Own up to it."
Everybody's like,
[annoying voice]
"Alright, well, he took your pizza,
"but that's, like,
no reason to body shame.
-I mean, huh?"
-[laughter]
[normal] It's like, yeah, it is!
I can't get the f*cking pizza back.
At least I can make him
feel bad about himself, right?
[laughter, applause]
Yeah, I'm not allowed to do that,
but it's still socially acceptable
to sh**t a m*ssile in the general
direction of somebody you're upset with.
[laughter]
[imitates m*ssile, screams]
You're like,
"Dude, there was, like, kids over there!"
This is my favorite response,
"Well, you know,
they're using kids as human shields."
It's like,
"Well, you gotta work around that!"
[audience laughing]
Jesus Christ, if I'm mad at my neighbor,
and I wanna beat sh*t the out of him,
but he's holding a baby, right?
I wouldn't come in and try
to punch him through the baby.
Eh, you go in, you know,
you-you-you throw a hook.
-You-You sweep the legs.
-[applause]
You do it on the lawn,
so the baby bounces off
the grass, alright?
There's f*cking rules to this sh*t!
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]
I do think it's hilarious
that college kids are all freaking out,
you know, f*cking
supporting the Palestinians.
[self-righteous]
"How dare the Israelis
"do what our country
has been doing for 20 years?
"What the f*ck?
You don't do that sh*t.
We do."
[quieter laughter]
[normal]
Oh, you didn't like that one, did you?
That was, that was a little
too close to home? Alright.
-[applause]
-No, I know.
-We're liberating people.
-[cheering]
Whatever, like I said,
you don't listen to me.
Don't listen to me.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm just living my life, man, you know?
Keeping my life small.
I'm just working on my home life,
and, uh, it's been
working out good for me,
like, right now, currently, you know?
'Cause the relationship
is alive, man, right?
Currently, I am getting along
with my wife better
than I ever have in the 20 years
that I've known her.
-[cheering, applause]
-Yeah.
Yeah, I figured something out.
I figured something out.
Basically, what happened was
a friend of mine died, right?
[laughter]
I'm of that age, you know?
It's starting to happen.
I'm 56, right?
Which, granted, this is too young
to die of natural causes,
but it's not too young
to drop dead, right?
[audience laughing]
Like, as a man,
I am in my drop-dead years,
which are, basically,
ages 49 to about 61.
You know, anything past that,
you're just looking at, like,
a prolonged illness, you know?
[laughter]
But these are the years
that men drop dead.
And dropping dead is, is a uniquely
male experience, right?
-[laughter]
-Women don't drop dead!
When's the last time
you were out to brunch
and there was some woman,
"Hey, let's get a mimosa!"
Just grabs her chest,
face down into some tapas.
-"Oh, my God! Kathy!" Right?
-[audience laughing]
They don't!
Men drop dead all the f*cking time.
You're out there on the golf course,
some guy f*cking...
all of a sudden,
just f*cking into the shrubs.
Another guy driving at you in a cart,
his body just falls out the side.
"What happened?"
"You know what happened!"
He never cried!
That's what happened.
-[audience laughing]
-And he held [laughs] onto it.
You know,
he was f*cking putting his pants on,
and he just rolled back on the bed.
He never got back up again.
It can happen!
Like, I'll give you a scenario.
Let's say, you know,
I'm upstairs in the bathroom,
my wife's downstairs
making me breakfast, right?
-It's a fantasy, you know?
-[applause, laughing]
Let's pretend women
still cook for their men.
[laughs]
She's Postmating something,
and she's heating it up in the microwave.
[audience laughing]
[feminine voice]
"That's my love language, right?"
[normal] And I'm upstairs in
the bathroom, and, all of a sudden,
she just hears a big thud
on the floor. [imitates thud]
And it's just like,
"Honey? Honey, was that you?
This isn't funny! Honey?"
[normal] Right? And next thing you know,
you're at my funeral.
-[audience laughing]
-It happens just like that,
and somebody's trying
to put a positive spin on it.
"You know, he died doing what he loved...
[audience laughing]
"...trimming his pubes
in the upstairs bathroom
-while listening to AC/DC."
-[audience laughing]
-[cheering, applause]
-[laughs]
You know, my favorite guy at the funeral
is the guy who tries to figure out
exactly what happened
like it's a Law & Order episode.
[annoying] "You know, I think what
happened was he was looking down
"at what he was doing,
and his-his head's heavy, you know?
"And he got on his toes,
he lost his balance,
"and whacked his head on the sink,
and it came flying back,
and there was no bathmat. You know,
that-that-that's kind of what happened."
[audience laughing]
So, anyway, [laughs]
I lose another friend.
My buddy dies.
I show up to the funeral,
open casket.
It's last year.
2023, open casket.
-We're still doing that?
-[laughter]
Huh? I've never understood open casket.
I don't get it. It's like,
"You told me he was dead.
-I believed you!"
-[laughing, applause]
What, is there some as*h*le coming in,
"I'm calling bullshit, alright?
"No, no. He had a lot of credit card debt.
"He wasn't getting along with his wife.
"Perfect candidate to fake his own death.
"Alright, let's go.
Open it up, open it up.
"Let's see what you got.
Let's see what you got.
"Alright, that's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
[laughter]
"He looks pretty dead, man.
You know, Frank likes to f*ck around,
so leave it open!
Let's see what we got!"
Dude, they left it open.
They had my buddy propped up
like he was watching SportsCenter
for, like, 90 minutes.
[laughter]
f*cking sitting there looking
at the side of my friend's dead head.
Like, why do I need that
on the memory bank, you know?
So, anyway, it's a funeral.
So, what happens?
You-You start, you start thinking
about your life, you know?
You take stock in it.
I start thinking about
how fast my life's going by,
how quick my kids are growing up.
And then, I had this thought
I've never had before.
I started thinking about how fast
my marriage was going by.
Right? I was like, "g*dd*mn, you know,
I've been married almost frickin'
11 years at this point."
-[audience member cheers]
-And I started thinking, like, you know--
-You're not in it.
-[audience laughing]
[applause]
I love when people do that.
"I've been married for 45 years."
Be like, "Woo!"
It's like, he could have her chained
to a radiator, alright?
[applause, laughing]
You have no idea what is going on!
Jesus Christ, you can't always
be thinking positive, people!
Come on, you gotta f*cking
keep your head on a swivel!
[laughter]
[creepily] Maybe she wanted to leave,
and I won't let her.
[normal] No, no. I like to think
we're happily married.
So, I just started thinking,
"Now, we've been together
for, like, 11 years, you know?"
And then, I just started thinking,
all these stupid fights
I'm having with her,
I don't remember what
half of 'em are about.
She agreed to spend her life with me,
and I'm being this curmudgeonly as*h*le,
and I'm kinda ruining, a little bit,
the-the one life she has.
So, I'm sitting back there,
I'm looking at his dead head,
-and I think to myself...
-[audience laughing]
-[laughing]
-[audience applause]
I couldn't not look at it! I don't--
Where else am I looking?
[audience laughing]
There's a f*cking dead body there!
I'm listening to your eulogy?
I'm not!
I'm looking at that like...
"Is that gonna be me someday?
I guess it is! Jesus Christ!"
[audience laughing]
So, at that moment, I was like,
"You know what?
"I think in the back nine, I'm just gonna
try to be a little more agreeable.
[laughter]
"You know?
Just try to go with the flow...
-[laughter]
-a little more."
Now, I didn't think this was a big
adjustment to my relationship.
-Turned out to be huge.
-[audience laughing]
I didn't realize I was
that f*cking disagreeable!
Evidently, I was
'cause I quickly noticed,
my wife talks to me in a regular voice.
You know?
She doesn't like what I say,
she'll give me sh*t back,
she breaks my ba*ls, or whatever.
But I noticed, though,
whenever she was going to ask me
to do something with her that she thought
maybe I didn't wanna do,
all of a sudden, she would take on, like,
this eggshell-y kinda voice, you know?
She'd be talking normally,
"You going out tonight?
You gonna do some standup? Alright, cool."
Then, all of a sudden, she'd just be like,
[timid voice]
"Yeah, hey, uh, listen. Um..."
[audience/Bill laughing]
There's always some sort of inanimate
object that she was playing with.
[timid]
"Yeah, hey, um...
wanted to talk to you
about something, you know?"
[normal] Really, like, timid, like she was
trying to figure out which wire to snip
so the b*mb wouldn't go off.
-[audience laughing]
-[timid] Like, "Yeah, hey, uh...
"Listen, um, a friend of mine said
there's a, uh, new restaurant
"that opened up right around the corner,
"and it's, uh, supposed to be really good,
and, uh...
"I don't know, I was thinking
maybe we could go out one night.
You know, have a date night,
see if it's actually as good as they say."
-[imitates wire snipping]
-[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[normal] Now, the old me would've been
like, "Oh yeah! Great! Fantastic!
"I'm only on the road
41 weeks out of the year!
"God forbid I spend one f*cking night
on my own g*dd*mn couch!
"I mean, Jesus Christ!
Why don't you just take me to LAX,
"stick me on a f*cking plane,
and get me back out there?
"Am I, am I even a person to you
or am I just a f*cking ATM machine?!
-Is that what it is?!"
-[audience laughing]
-Alright? That was the old me.
-[cheering]
[applause]
Yeah, no, that, that was the old me,
but not new easygoing Bill!
-[audience laughing]
-No siree!
I just went like,
"Alright, cool. Sounds like fun."
And she was like, "Really?"
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "Yeah."
And I swear to God, she went,
-"Yay."
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]
-[applause]
And then, she came over,
and she gave me the sweetest
little peck on my cheek.
-[audience awwing]
-Yeah, I felt that jolt of love
you feel in the beginning
of the relationship.
Took me by surprise.
And she walked outta the room.
-I was like, "Wow, what was that?
-[laughter]
"I want more of that in my relationship!
I'm gonna try some more of this
agreeing sh*t! This is pretty good."
[applause, laughing]
-Yeah, so we go out.
-[cheering]
Yeah, we go out to dinner,
we have a great time,
and the next two weeks,
it's a little more easygoing, you know?
It's a little more easy-breezy
there, right?
And everything's fine.
She's talking to me normal.
And then a couple weeks goes by,
and all of a sudden,
once again, the eggshell voice.
She just starts going,
-[timid] "Hey, uh..." [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
"Something I've been meaning
to talk to you about, uh...
"You know, we're going to that
wedding up in Paso Robles,
"you know, in a couple weeks, you know?
"You know, we're supposed to just kinda
go right up and come right back down.
"Well, you know, I was
just kinda thinking,
"you know, we both love wine country,
and, uh...
"what if we just didn't come right back?
"What if we went up and maybe stayed
an extra couple of days, you know?
"Take something that was gonna cost $900,
make it cost $4,000.
-"I just thought... maybe...
-[laughing, applause]
maybe we could do something like that,
get reconnected."
[imitates wire snipping, laughs]
[laughter]
[normal] And I just go,
"Yeah, sure, you know?
Sounds great."
And she was just like, "Wow!
You are being such a good sport lately."
And now,
I'm waiting for that peck on the cheek,
but it doesn't come, right?
-[laughter]
-She just stands her ground.
'Cause, you know, women,
you give them an inch,
they wanna take a mile, right?
So, she's just standing there,
and she's just kinda like,
[timid] "Okay, cool 'cause, uh,
"I was also thinking, um,
"you know, it's not just
the wedding, you know?
"There's, like,
all these events around it.
"Like, there's the night before
the drinks, you meet people,
"then the morning, there's a brunch,
then there's the wedding itself.
"And then, the day after,
there's, like, a little pool party thing.
"And I was thinking,
I don't know, you know,
"maybe we could go shopping
and buy different outfits
"for each one of those,
-each one of those events?"
-[laughter]
[imitates wire snipping, laughs]
So, look at me.
Obviously, I don't like to shop.
I'm just not into this sh*t,
so-- but I went along with it.
And I gotta tell you,
though, she was right, right?
I went up-- I go up to Paso Robles.
I hate picking out outfits.
All of my outfits were laid out
like I was some 8-year-old kid, you know?
And I'm just sitting there like,
[childlike voice] "This is my breakfast
outfit! I'm going downstairs!
"I'm gonna have waffles and some bacon,
"maybe even some pancakes!
"Now, I have on my sport coat.
Ooh, I'm a big boy!
I'm gonna talk about the environment
and have some drinkypoos," [normal] right?
And, dude, we got along great.
Got along great.
We looked great in the pictures.
We ended up hooking up.
We had a fantastic f*cking time.
[cheering]
And I've just been doing that!
And I've never gotten
along with her better.
That's basically what it is.
All you have to do to make 'em happy
is just, once a month,
agree to some sh*t that
you would never f*cking do...
[laughter, applause]
...that they wanna do, and th-they'll
just be, like, happy as hell!
-[audience laughing]
-Yes. Exactly.
Basically, what you guys are
looking at here is a broken man.
[laughter, cheering]
After 20 years,
she finally got the saddle on my back.
She's petting my neck. I'm like...
[horse blows], I don't give a sh*t.
Which way do you want me
to pull the wagon?
Yeah, that's all you gotta do.
Agree to whatever dumb sh*t.
And you can't just agree.
You gotta be enthusiastic about it,
you know? Like,
[enthusiastically]
"Farmers' market!
-"Oh boy, would I?!
-[audience laughing]
"Oh, my goodness, is corn in season?!
"Well, sh*t, I'll hold the bag!
[audience laughing]
I'll tape the game.
Don't worry about it."
[audience laughing]
'Cause I know this, this ain't about me.
[laughs]
No. I don't wanna go to that dark place.
[laughter]
Well, f*ck it, let's go then, alright?
-[cheering]
-Okay!
-[cheering]
-Okay!
I know, it always rains on you guys.
You guys are all f*cking depressed, right?
Under the bridge, doing whatever the f*ck
you're doing up here,
writing your sad music.
[audience laughing]
Anyway.
Yeah, so...
I'm in this weird part of my life.
I really am.
It's-It's this great thing where
I'm just letting go of a lot of sh*t
and also kinda discovering
stuff about myself.
Like, I real--
I found out, uh, recently I have, like,
-depression issues.
-[scattered laughter]
I couldn't believe it. I always hated
when people, "Oh, I'm f*cking depressed."
Shut up, you f*cking p*ssy.
Just get up and plow through it.
Like, they're, [mopey]
"I got clinical depression.
I can't even get off the ground."
[normal] I had no f*cking empathy...
whatsoever.
I used to look at those people like,
-"What the f*ck is wrong with them?"
-[laughter]
And I had the exact same thing.
Had no f*cking idea, you know?
I don't have, like, clinical depression.
I have, like--
I have regular depression,
-you know?
-[laughter]
I got the regular stuff. Like, a lot of
f*cked-up sh*t happened to me.
I never dealt with it. I just kinda kept
putting it over here, you know?
It just sorta floats over here,
and every once in a while,
it taps me on the shoulder like,
"Hey, you ready to deal with this sh*t?"
I'm like, "Okay, maybe.
"Or I could death scroll on Instagram
"and watch some guy
refurbishing old skillets
-for, like, the next three hours..." Yeah.
-[applause]
Oh yeah, I'll stay up
'til 3:00 in the morning
watching people, like, powerwash,
like, sidewalks and driveways
rather than unpacking that sh*t.
And it's always f*cking
tapping me on the shoulder, I--
you know, creeping up on me.
I call it "the fog",
so I-I f*cking--
I try to stay ahead of it,
and I have all these hobbies
and all these different things that I do,
so I just keep moving
so it can't keep up with me, right?
And I've noticed, at some point,
I'm gonna have to face this sh*t, right?
So, the end of last year,
I was taking, like,
six weeks off from the road,
and I knew this sh*t was coming, right?
I felt it. It was,
"Hey, here you go, Bill.
You're off the road.
Time to deal, right?"
And this time I was like,
"You know what? f*ck this.
"I'm just gonna sit in this sh*t
as long as I could sit in it,
you know, and see
what happens, right?"
So, it took about three days
before my wife noticed, right?
[laughter]
I was sitting over in the corner.
I had, like, an afghan,
like, wrapped around me.
-[audience laughing]
-I wasn't shaving and sh*t,
and I'm just sitting there
watching TV all day.
And you know what's funny?
When you shave your head like this,
it looks like you know
jujutsu possibly, you know?
But after three days,
you look like some retired shoe salesman,
-you know, that didn't get the gold watch.
-[laughter]
So, I'm sitting there,
and my wife,
you know, we got two little kids.
It-It took her a few days to notice.
She finally takes me in. She just goes,
she goes, "Hey, what's, uh,
what's going on with you?"
She's like, "Is everything alright?"
And I was like, "Uh, no."
And she's like,
"Well, what's the matter?"
And for the first time
in 20 years of knowing her,
I actually communicated an emotion.
-[laughter]
-[applause]
I swear to God.
She goes, "What's the matter?"
And I go, "I'm sad."
-[laughter]
-[applause]
Exactly! That's f*cking hilarious
coming out of a man's mouth.
-It's just funny. Yeah.
-[cheering]
She didn't know what the f*ck to do!
[laughter]
Right?
Men aren't allowed to be sad.
We're allowed to be one of two things.
We're allowed to be mad or fine.
-That's it, right?
-[laughter]
-Those are normal behaviors of a man.
-[applause]
You can be mad like, [angrily]
"Jesus Christ, who put this here?
"How many f*cking times do I gotta say
to keep this g*dd*mn area clean?
"Jesus Christ! Somebody's gonna fall
and break their f*cking neck.
I'm so tired-- I said it once,
I've said it 100 f*cking times!" Right?
[laughter]
And then what does your wife do?
Just f*cking rolls her eyes.
"Ah, just send him out in the yard.
Let him walk it off.
Throw him a beer out there.
He'll be fine," right?
Yeah. He'll be good, right?
You're allowed to be that or fine.
"How you doing, Bill?"
"I'm fine."
[laughter]
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I said I was fine.
Why the f*ck would I say
I'm fine if I'm not f*cking fine?!"
And you're just right back over there,
and your whole f*cking life is that.
[audience laughing]
And what's weird about a guy
is we feel all the other emotions, right?
Melancholy, being sentimental,
enjoying a sunset,
all of that type of sh*t.
But all this in here
-is just called "g*y", right?
-[laughter]
-[applause, cheering]
-[laughs]
It's just a giant bag of g*y.
You swing it over your shoulder,
and you just f*cking
throw that in the woods.
[laughter]
That's it!
You do that for half a century.
And, one day, you grab your f*cking chest,
and you go down, and then that's it.
-[laughing, applause]
-It's a f*cking wrap.
Yeah! So, I, you know, I'm an old dad.
I gotta be here for my kids,
so I-I gotta start figuring myself
out here. So, yeah, I just told her.
I was like, "f*ck it."
I just said, "I'm sad."
And she just went, like--
She just went, "Oh-oh!"
[audience/Bill laughing]
She's like, "W-Was it something I did?
Did I, did I do something?"
I said, "No, you and me are great.
You and me are great.
"This is some sh*t from a long time ago,
"you know, that I just been thinking,
it's been coming up and all of that.
It's just been really bothering me."
And she goes,
"Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry."
And then she just walked
out of the room. [laughs]
[audience laughing]
And I couldn't even get mad at her!
I was just envious, right?
I was like, "I didn't know
you could f*cking do that!"
[laughter]
All these years of listening
to you dump your day on me!
[applause]
Having to actively listen.
-"Mandy said that to you? No, she didn't!
-[laughter]
"Oh, my goodness!
So, what did you say?
"Oh! You said that?
"No! You were totally within
your right to say that!
"And I feel proud to be with you,
knowing that you stuck up for yourself
in that f*cking moment."
-Jesus Christ, right?
-[applause]
[cheering]
Yes! I didn't realize
that I could just be like,
"Oh, that's between you and Mandy?
Alright, take it easy.
-[laughter]
-"Good luck with that sh*t.
"I'm gonna go watch some hockey.
"That is some you and Mandy sh*t.
Let me know how that works out.
Or don't. I don't give a f*ck."
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah.
Yeah, that's the thing.
So, that's, like, been an adjustment
in the relationship now
that I'm starting to feel feelings
'cause it's not about
the guy at all, right?
Like, all of these f*cking holidays.
My fa-- My favorite time of the year
is March and April,
you know what I mean?
It's just 61 glorious days,
no f*cking holiday
where the man has to make some sort of
financial gesture
to the woman in his life.
-You know what I mean?
-[laughter]
Like Valentine's Day,
it just sneaks up on you every year.
It's like,
I just f*cking got you something.
I just paid the bill in January,
and then here we f*cking go again!
When are you gonna feel loved, right?
Jesus f*cking Christ.
Here you go!
Here's [laughs] something shiny!
Are you happy? Oh, that's good.
I'm glad you're happy.
Don't mind me. I'm just over here
in a walking depression.
-[laughter]
-But as long as you're happy,
as long as you're happy, I'm happy.
Don't mind me.
Hey, look at me!
I'm over here!
I'm learning how to make a crepe!
Yeah! I'm learning how to make a crepe!
"Wow, Bill, you have so many interests!"
No, just sad.
-[audience laughing]
-Just sad, you know?
[applause, cheering]
Just trying to quiet the voices,
so I don't put rocks in my pocket
and step in the pool! Okay?
Who wants a crepe?!
[audience laughing]
Yeah. There are a lot of sad men.
I realize that, now that
I know how f*cked up I am.
You can always--
Like, I can see through the matrix.
There's so many sad guys.
They don't even know they're sad.
Yeah. Ladies, you--
You-You're married,
you're probably married
to a sad guy right now.
-That's what the f*cking garage is for.
-[laughter]
That's what the garage is for!
You tease him to your friends.
"He's always out there working on
that project. He's never gonna finish."
Yeah, 'cause he can't see the measurement
through the tears, right?
[laughter, applause]
I'll give you another
classic f*cking sad guy.
That cool uncle you got? You know,
the one that never got married, right?
-The one with the motorcycle?
-[laughter]
And you're looking at him,
"Wow, he's so cool!
He rides a motorcycle!
He's not afraid to die!"
Yeah, 'cause he died years ago
when whatever happened
to him happened to him.
[laughter]
He comes over for the holidays.
How long does he last,
seeing a loving family?
He can't f*cking handle it. He wants it,
he doesn't know how to get it.
"Gotta hit the trail!"
[mimics engine revving]
-Rides away.
-[laughter]
And you're like, "Wow, he's so cool!"
That's 'cause you can't see the tears
streaking down his face,
conditioning his ponytail...
as he rides off to f...
to f*ck some sleeve-tattooed
traumatized woman.
[scattered laughter]
[laughs]
Is this too sad for even Seattle?
-[laughter, cheering]
-Alright.
[applause]
Alright, well, I will give you,
I will give you the number-one place
to see sad men.
-Guitar Center.
-[laughter]
-Oh, my God.
-[cheering]
One of the saddest places on Earth!
Failed, struggling musicians
behind the counter.
A bunch of men in loveless marriages,
or divorced,
just walking around,
looking at the guitars.
[dumb]
"Is that a custom color? Is it?
"Maybe if I add that to my collection,
it'll fill up whatever this void is
in the center of my chest."
[audience laughing]
[normal] I don't know. I don't have
any f*cking solutions, but...
[applause, cheering]
Yeah, um...
Anyway, what's funny--
So, my home life is great.
I'm getting along great with my wife.
I'm getting along.
You know, kids are awesome.
Everything's great at home.
You know, the balance of life.
If that's gonna be good,
something has to be, like,
f*cked up, you know, to fix it.
It sucks, you know?
Like, what's-- My home life is great,
but what sucks is the people
that raised me,
it's not a good situation. Now, you know,
aunts and uncles, everybody getting older,
people dying,
people getting diseases, you know?
Like, recently,
somebody I know got diagnosed,
uh, you know, with dementia,
which is, you know, it-it sucks,
but there's nothing you can do, you know?
What do you do when somebody has dementia?
What can you really do?
You just be nice to 'em, right?
They repeat a story. You just act
like it's the first time they said it,
you know what I mean?
You don't sit there,
looking around the room like,
"They're f-f*cking doing this again?
Jesus Christ.
-"What is this, Groundhog Day?
-[audience laughing]
"You think he's gonna change the ending?
I mean, good Lord! I don't give a f*ck!
He's not gonna remember
me saying this, right? Hey!"
No, you don't do that. You just act
like it's the first time they said it.
They repeat a question, you just act
like it's the first time they asked it.
You are nice to people with dementia,
unless they're the President
of the United States,
-at which point...
-[cheering, applause]
Yeah. At which point, you can go off.
Look at you guys!
People applauding
that somebody has dementia!
How f*cked up is that?
Not 30 seconds ago
when I said someone
in my family got diagnosed,
you guys were all--
You could hear a pin drop.
And you had empathy, like, "Oh, no."
Maybe you know, you know somebody
that has it or whatever.
"Oh, my God, that's terrible.
I know what you're going through."
Second you put a blue or a red tie on it,
"f*ck that old man!
f*ck him! I'm glad he's gonna die!"
-[cheering, applause]
-Yeah. Still applauding.
-[audience laughing]
-It's f*cking...
What is wrong with us?
[audience laughing]
We're f*cking out of our minds!
People aren't gonna take the vaccine,
but they'll take Ozempic, right?
"Well, Ozempic's my choice."
No, it wasn't!
They poisoned the food supply,
and you f*cking ballooned up.
And now, you're jabbing that in,
and then they're gonna wheel you in.
It's not, it's not.
-You're a money-making vehicle.
-[cheering]
-Anyway...
-[audience laughing]
if Joe Biden--
Here's the funny thing:
if Joe Biden wasn't a politician,
if he wasn't famous,
he was just some random old guy
sitting by himself in a diner,
repeating himself,
there's nobody with him, you would
have empathy for him, going like,
"Oh, my God!
-"Is there anybody with that guy? Oh!
-[laughter]
"I mean, that is really dangerous!
Who's gonna help him out?
"How's he gonna know he already had pie?
He could eat himself to death!"
Right?
[laughter]
Second he's a Democrat or a Republican,
you're just like, "f*ck you, old man!
You're losing your mind! [babbling]
-"You're going crazy! [shouting]
-[laughter]
You already said that! You already
said that! You already said that!"
-I love that sh*t.
-[audience laughing]
It's what makes human beings hilarious.
I'm one of the biggest hypocrites you're
ever gonna f*cking meet in your life,
and I love, I love hypocrites.
I love weird rules. Like, one of
my favorite things about the West Coast
is on the 5 freeway, you have
that, that commuter lane, you know?
You gotta have two people in it,
called the HOV lane.
The high-occupancy,
high-occupancy vehicle lane,
whatever the f*ck it's called, right?
Yeah. I just love
the respect that it gets.
[audience laughing]
For the most part, 99% of people
will not go in that f*cking lane
unless they have two people.
We just sit in the other six lanes,
-dead stop, hating life.
-[laughter]
"Why did I move out here?
This f*cking sucks.
"I can see my house!
I can see it!
I could walk from here!"
And there's this wide-open
lane to freedom.
Nobody goes in it.
They're like,
[nerdy]
"Oh, I can't go in that, you know?"
Don't have enough occupancies
in my vehicle!"
[normal] Right? And here's the thing.
I could take a chance, right?
I could go in there by myself, okay?
But if there's a cop there,
I'm gonna get pulled over,
I'm gonna get yelled at, I get a ticket,
and my insurance goes up.
I am not allowed to do that.
However!
I can still join the Klan.
[audience/Bill laughing]
I can join the Ku Klux Klan
-and not get in trouble, right?
-[applause]
I don't get yelled at.
I don't get a ticket.
No insurance goes up.
I could drive down the highway
in my Klan outfit,
as long as I had the mud flap up.
Alright, it could say "Grand Dragon"
on the front of the sheet.
I could have a "White Power"
bumper sticker.
I could have a Hitler bobblehead
right on the dashboard,
just sitting there
f*cking going like that.
I would not get pulled over
unless I went into the HOV lane, right?
[laughter, cheering]
Yeah! And then,
I wouldn't get pulled over
because I joined a t*rror1st organization.
I would get pulled over
'cause I didn't have
another t*rror1st with me.
[laughter]
That's what the problem would be.
-[applause, cheering]
-Yeah!
Yeah, the cop will be coming up like,
"Well, well, well, aren't we in a hurry
"to get to the cross burning
this evening, huh?
"Who the hell do you think you are, buddy?
I'll tell you right now,
"you better have a Black guy in the trunk,
or you, sir, are in a lot of trouble!
Now, get your license out!"
[laughter, cheering]
[Bill laughing]
You know what's funny is
I don't think anybody joins
the Klan anymore, you know?
That's like your great-great-great-
grandfather's hate group.
You know?
[scatting]
I don't like Blacks or Jews
or f*cking q*eers
[scatting]
I feel like they're still
on horses, you know?
Just a bunch of old, ugly white guys
just riding around,
[hillbilly accent]
"Well, God made me in his image!
"Jesus Lord... [hillbilly gibberish]
f*cking... I'll f*cking..."
[audience laughing]
You know what's hilarious about Jesus?
[laughter]
You know what I learned about this guy?
In North America, he's white.
He's, like, almost as white as I am.
But the closer you get to the equator,
the more he starts looking like
Lenny Kravitz. Have you noticed that?
[audience/Bill laughing]
Anyway, yeah. Nobody joins
the Klan anymore, you know?
As a white person,
you don't wanna join the Klan, right?
You wanna join a younger, hipper,
white nationalist group, right?
Like the Neo-Nazis or the Proud Boys.
You know, with their little fades,
you know, and their little okey-doke thing
they stick their pee-pees
through or whatever,
whatever their secret handshake is.
I don't know.
-I don't pretend to know these things.
-[laughter]
Or maybe you just wanna be that random,
"get off my lawn" r*cist white dude.
-[laughter]
-You know that guy?
The-The "patriotic" guy?
You know that guy? He dresses
every weekend like it's the 4th of July.
Everything he has
has the American flag on it.
You know, has a bald eagle on his shirt,
the Declaration of Independence
down this sleeve,
Thomas Jefferson's nuts,
Mount Rushmore right back here.
"Gods, guts, g*ns.
Freedom ain't free!
You don't like it, go f*ck yourself,"
and all that.
Then, you got the giant pickup truck
with the huge American flag
hanging off the back.
-That's my favorite.
-[cheering]
The giant American flag off the back,
like we don't know what country we're in.
[laughter]
Like, "Just in case you forgot,
you're in America!
Beep beep!"
[audience laughing]
You know what's funny? Recently,
I did a gig up in Canada, right?
We landed in Calgary,
and, uh, we're driving to the--
me and Kenny are driving to the hotel,
and I saw a guy up there,
he had a giant pickup truck
with a giant Canadian flag
hanging off the back.
-[laughter]
-And I was so relieved, you know?
I was like, "Thank God!
I thought only we had that
f*cking idiot in our country."
[audience laughing]
-[applause]
-Evidently, he's everywhere!
Which is hilarious to me because that
means there's a guy in England right now
with a giant British flag hanging off
the back of a scooter.
Just riding around like,
[mimics scooter humming]
[c*ck accent]
"Right, you're in London, you silly c**t!
Beep beep!
Brexit, you f*cking Yank!"
[normal]
Right?
[audience laughing]
I don't know,
it just blows my mind, you know?
It's, like, it's 2024.
The-- All of these people got in trouble,
got canceled and sh*t,
you know what I mean?
Never came around to the Klan.
[audience laughing]
None of those groups ever got canceled,
but if you said in 1992,
"Hey, nice t*tties!"
Comes back to bite you
in the a*s 30 years later!
-[cheering, applause]
-[laughs]
That's the question I've been
asking when I'm on the road.
Like, why do-- Here's a question I have.
Why do you think the Klan--
It's 2024, right?
Why do you think the Klan still exists?
-[audience member 1] Sons of b*tches!
-[audience member 2] Racists!
-r*cist? I'm not saying what they are.
-[audience laughing]
[mockingly]
"Racists!"
[normal]
Why do you think fat people exist?
-[mockingly] They eat too much!
-[laughter]
Are they all gonna be this easy?
[audience laughing]
[normal] You know what
the funniest answer I got? I go,
"Why do you think people
are still in the Klan, 2024?"
And some guy yelled out,
he goes, "Something to do!"
[laughter]
You know, we all got our things.
Some people are into bowling.
Some people like to draw.
Some people like to blow up churches
with innocent people in there.
I mean, it's, you know, it's all,
you know, whatever your trip is.
[laughs]
You know why they still exist!
You know why, right?
Some people go,
"Well, you know,
it's a First Amendment issue.
"It's a freedom of speech. We have this
wonderful thing in this country...
"for white people only,
called freedom of speech.
[audience laughing]
"I mean, they have to be
allowed to join these groups.
"They have to be allowed
to march down the streets
"with semi-automatic weapons,
"chanting the *-word,
"trying to create a race w*r
on the internet, okay?
"They have to be allowed to do this.
"If they are not allowed to do this,
it's a slippery slope.
"Next thing you know,
there goes the town pool.
"So, you really have to be careful
-about censorship."
-[applause]
You name one other f*cking race
that can do that.
[cheering]
Yeah, no, I'm telling you.
The reason why they-they-they
still f*cking exist
is because they don't
f*ck with white people.
That's basically it. If they did to,
if they did to white people
what the f*ck they've
done to Black people,
how long do you think
that stupid f*cking group
would've been around?
Maybe five weeks
'cause it was the 1800s,
and it took a month
to get across the state
to get to those idiots.
And they woulda mowed 'em down
with the first machine g*n,
that was the size of a f*cking cannon.
[imitates machine g*n firing]
-And that woulda been f*cking it!
-[laughter]
No? You don't believe me?
Do you remember 9/11
when those brown people knocked down
those two perfectly good white buildings?
[laughter]
My people lost their minds!
"k*ll all those m*therf*ckers!
Blow up their whole side of the planet!
Anybody with a brown shirt,
get 'em the f*ck outta here!" [gibberish]
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah, the exact same people,
if the Klan or Proud Boys
does some f*cked-up sh*t,
what is the best we have?
The most liberal of my people.
What's the best we got?
[effeminate voice]
"Oh, my God, that's terrible!
"Can you believe that?
"Oh, what is wrong with people?
"I mean, I just don't get it. God!
[laughing, scattered applause]
[sighs]
"Are any of you guys watching
Baby Reindeer?
"That is f*cking amazing!
-[laughter]
-No, you have to watch it. It is so good!"
[laughs]
That's why I-I-I f*cking hate liberals.
-[cheering, laughing]
-I do! I hate 'em!
No, don't get excited.
I f*cking hate conservatives, too,
'cause you're all a bunch
of f*cking racists, right?
-[cheering]
-Now, I know that's a blanket statement,
but I'm just trying to speak
your language. [laughs]
What I f*cking hate about liberals
is you don't do sh*t
other than covering your own a*s
with your dumbass f*cking signs.
[laughter]
I hate that sh*t with the f--
Remember that? Uh, that was the worst.
I was in Hollywood, you know,
during the whole Black Lives Matter,
and the-the white people putting,
like, my people putting
the f*cking BLM signs in the window.
It wasn't even about Black people.
It was about that they were doing it.
They were, like, Instagramming it like,
[liberal voice] "Oh, yeah.
-"I just couldn't remain silent, you know?
-[laughter]
I had to speak truth to power, you know?"
[normal] You would think they were
in the Marines or something.
It's like, you haven't even
left your f*cking apartment! Right?
-[laughter]
-[liberal] "I had to do it!
"I took one piece of Xerox paper,
"that I paid for,
"wrote 'BLM' on it, and took
"two pieces of double-sided tape
"I usually use to hold my t*tties up,
"and I stuck it in the window,
"and I was like,
'There you go, Black people!
"Enjoy your new freedoms!'
[audience laughing]
"What? It's just-- I had to do it.
"It was how I was raised, you know?
"I come from a long line
of progressive liberals.
"In fact, my great-great-great-grandmother
"was in Berlin, Germany in 1939,
"and she had a 'Knock it off, Nazis'
sign in the window.
"And let me tell you something!
That was the end of those shenanigans!
[laughter]
"A lot of people thought it was
the bravery of the Allied troops!
No, it was not! It was
my grandmother's persnickety sign!"
[audience laughing]
[applause]
No, liberals, you gotta get
over your fear of the g*n.
That's what's gonna turn this,
this country around.
-You gotta embrace g*ns.
-[applause]
Okay? They're not going anywhere.
You'd have a better chance
of getting rid of cheeseburgers
than you are of getting
rid of g*ns, alright?
[laughter]
I don't know if you ever read
the history of this country.
It's not what they say it was, alright?
This is Gangs of New York, okay?
[laughter, applause]
We came here, there was other people here,
and then there weren't, right?
And then, there was work to be done.
We didn't wanna do it.
And then, we brought other people in
and other sh*t happened.
And then, they got let go,
and now, you know?
A lot of sh*t happened, okay?
So, people are strapped because...
[audience laughing]
...you don't know what's gonna happen.
But the liberals are like,
[liberal]
"Oh, my God, stop the g*ns.
I gotta make a sign,
'Stop the g*ns.' Ha!" [normal] Right?
[laughter]
No, embrace 'em.
Level the playing field out. That's what's
gonna stop these hate groups,
I think, anyways.
'Cause they're not afraid
'cause they're armed, and you're not.
So, basically, what's gonna
turn this country around
is the day a vegan beta male...
[audience laughing]
...with a man-bun does a drive-by
in a Prius at a Klan rally
and exposes them for the f*ggots
they really are...
[cheering, applause]
nothing's gonna happen!
[laughs]
I know I said "f*ggots", but, you know,
I was worried I was getting too preachy,
you know what I mean?
I don't, I don't want you to feel
like I'm not dirty too.
[laughter]
You know what's funny? My wife got me
to stop saying that word, right?
Like, the 2000s, she got me
to stop saying the word.
I swear to God, this is a true story.
I was driving back-- I was in LA,
and I had her on speaker phone.
I had a good set and everything,
so I was psyched,
and I was talking to her
and making her laugh and sh*t.
You know, and I'm driving,
and-and this is-- The hilarious thing
-is I'm driving a Prius, right?
-[audience laughing]
And the Prius, the 2008, had, like,
this two-inch, like, like,
metal on-on either side
that was, like, a blind spot.
If you went to take a left,
and if there was somebody
in the crosswalk,
and they f*cking lined up with the thing,
okay, you wouldn't see 'em,
and they get run over
by this little doorstop of a car, right?
So, wouldn't you know it,
that night, I'm...
[imitates air whistling]
...going down the street in my Prius,
and I'm making my wife laugh,
and I go to make a left.
Hollywood and La Brea.
Never forget it.
And this guy was lined up,
and at the last second, I saw him,
almost ran him over, and I swerved
outta the way and stomped on the brakes.
And the guy, of course,
turned around. He goes,
"You f*cking as*h*le! Why don't you look
where the f*ck you're driving!
Jesus Christ! f*cking wake up!"
He's screaming at me.
And I put the window down,
trying to explain to him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you!
There's, like, a two-inch thing,
and you were lined up!"
He goes, "What the f*ck?
You almost ran over my f*cking foot!"
He's screaming me.
I'm trying to explain myself.
And he kept f*cking yelling at me,
and he wouldn't listen.
And I finally just snapped.
I was like,
"Ah, with your tight pants,
you f*cking f*gg*t." Right?
[laughter, applause]
So, my wife flips out!
She's like, "Bill! You cannot
say that anymore!" Right?
And what was funny, was the guy
actually laughed, right?
-[laughter]
-I swear to God!
Like, he threw his head back,
and he really, like, laughed.
And, to this day, I don't know why.
Like, was he laughing
because he was a little fat?
Was his pants getting a little tight?
Was it around the holidays?
Or was it just funny to see a bald ginger
in a Prius call him that word?
I don't know what it was,
but he got a huge laugh out of it!
And that word actually
ended the argument...
between the two of us, so...
But my wife broke it down to me.
She goes, "You can't say that word.
It's a really hurtful word."
And I was like, alright,
well, I don't wanna be an as*h*le.
So, I, you know,
I, I-- it took a while,
but I stopped, and, uh, you know,
but there's, like, you know, they never
gave you, like, a replacement word.
Like, there's, like, this
phantom limb syndrome here.
It's like, what do you call somebody
who cuts you off in traffic,
and then you pull up at a red light,
and they don't have the decency
to look at you
as you're f*cking
screaming at your window?
-What do you call them?
-[audience laughing]
It's the alliteration.
f*cking [grunts]!
It just-- Oh!
-[laughter]
-It just, it just gets it out of you.
[applause]
You know what's funny is I don't, I don't
own a g*n, but I f*cking love 'em.
You know what's funny is I don't, I don't
own a g*n, but I f*cking love 'em.
I do. Like, if I'm walking down
the street, and I see a g*n store,
I gotta go in and look at 'em.
I do,
but I'm not into, like,
the semi-automatic weapon.
That's for people that suck at sh**ting,
you know what I mean?
Like, how many f*cking attempts?
"There he is!"
-[indistinct shouting]
-[audience laughing]
Those should be--
You should get six shots, alright?
If you can't get the f*cking job done,
that's it. You're done, right?
[audience laughing]
No, I like 'em. I like, I like
the revolvers and all that old-school sh*t
I saw in the cop movies
when I was growing up.
I like all of those g*ns,
but, uh, g*ns also scare me
because I feel like g*ns are
kinda like guitars, you know?
Like, almost every house has one,
but not really anybody's
that good at it, you know?
[laughter]
Just kinda over in the corner
collecting dust, you know?
And I get with guitar how you get better.
You play two, three hours a day.
I don't get-- How do you
get better at sh**ting?
Like, how do you practice?
-[audience member] g*n range.
-g*n range!
They always say that, "the g*n range".
That's not practicing.
It's a total controlled environment.
You go down there,
and you put on your little headset.
-[wimpy] Gotta protect my hearing!
-[laughter]
I wouldn't want my ears
to go ringy-ding-ding!
[normal] And then,
you lay out all your, your b*ll*ts,
little charcuterie board.
[wimpy] I have my weapon
pointed down, you f*cking thing.
And now it's time for the target.
-[imitates motor whirring]
-[laughter]
[normal]
Then you sit there and you're like...
-a-pew!
-[audience laughing]
A-pew-pew-pew!
[imitates motor whirring]
[dumb] "Oh, center of mass!
I'm gonna hang that in my house,
so everybody sees what a badass I am!"
[normal] That's not practicing.
You wanna practice?
Have somebody wake you up
at 3:00 in the morning
when you're wearing nothing
but your pajama bottoms.
-[laughter]
-And they throw you in the garage.
There's a baby, a rattlesnake,
and a f*cking bear,
and your wife's flipping
the lights on and off going,
"Do something, Johnny! Do something!
Do something, do something!"
-That, that is practicing. Yeah.
-[applause, cheering]
I feel like that's how it's gonna go down.
I don't know sh*t about it,
but I got a good feeling
that, you know, the day somebody
breaks into your house,
g*n owners, they're not
gonna come in like this.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
You know?
They're not gonna be, like, peeking around
the corner and then just go...
-[imitates target flapping]
-[audience laughing]
Um...
Anyway...
Yeah, so, I have learned
a lot about myself
over the last few years,
you know what I mean?
I had to quit drinking, you know?
I-I never thought I'd have
a problem with that sh*t, you know?
'Cause when I grew up,
right, you know,
sh*t was so different
when we were growing up.
Like, even, like, g*y people.
Like, the way it was thought
was there was, like,
three g*y people in Massachusetts,
and the rest of 'em
were in San Francisco, right?
[audience laughing]
Everything was f*cked up, right?
Like, addiction, it was either like,
"Either you have the addictive gene
or you don't!"
And it's like, no.
What I've kinda learned
is f*cking everything is
sort of a spectrum, right?
Not just autism, you know?
[laughter]
I'm sick of words getting
hijacked, alright?
When I was a kid, like,
the spectrum was the color spectrum.
Dr. J and the 76ers played in an arena
called The Spectrum, right?
So, the first time somebody said to me,
"Hey, my kid's on the spectrum,"
I'm thinking, "No, he isn't.
"They, they tore that sh*t down in 2010.
"I don't know what you're talking about.
You need to elaborate.
"Just say he has autism,
so I can f*cking catch up.
-Alright, I don't speak the jargon here."
-[laughter]
So, I-I think everything is
like a spectrum, okay?
Well, we'll start with,
we'll start with my drinking, right?
So, I, you know,
when I was growing up, it was,
[tough] "Either you are a-a f*cking alky,
or you aren't."
[normal]
And then it-it isn't, okay?
Th-There's all of this. So, we'll say
this right here is full-on addiction.
This is, literally,
sucking d*ck behind a donut shop,
11:30 in the morning on a Tuesday
for a f*cking 12-pack.
Not even a case.
A 12-pack.
In jean shorts and a half shirt, right?
And then, this over here,
this is, like, a teetotaler.
Like, [wimpy] "You know, I tried alcohol.
I didn't like it. It just, you know,
"I've always been into books, you know?
"That's been my drugs, you know?
I like...
"a good book, right?
"And I'll tell you, ha, when you
see me reading that book,
"I am not there.
I am in that book,
-and I am taking that journey, right?"
-[laughter]
[normal]
But th-there's-there's all f*cking this.
Like, my drinking got,
like, all the way--
I-I realized I couldn't have it
in the house. That's what it was.
I just, like, consumed it,
and then I f*cking-- I got all the way
to, like, right here, right?
I mean, I wasn't sucking d*ck,
but the donut shop was over the horizon.
-[audience laughing]
-The donut shop was in view.
And I was like, "What am I doing?"
You know what I mean? I--
Like, I couldn't f*cking stop it.
Then I, you know--
So, then I thought I was an alcoholic,
so I went to, like,
an AA meeting, you know?
And the people were telling their stories.
And after a couple people sharing,
I was just going like,
alright, uh, you know, I drink,
but these people, Jesus!
-[audience laughing]
-Jesus Christ!
I mean, they were animals!
Yellow fingers, still smoking,
chowing down pastries.
And they're like,
"Bill, would you like to go up
and share some of your stories?"
I was like,
"I can't f*cking follow that!"
[laughter]
I had three tall bourbons
and fell asleep to The Rockford Files.
I don't think that that's gonna h--
follow this guy, you know?
[laughter]
Missing teeth and selling
his a*s in the street.
I can't, I can't follow that, right?
[audience laughing]
But there was something going on.
So, I just realized, you know,
like, I-I can't have
this sh*t in the house.
It's in the house,
I'm gonna f*cking consume it.
Alcohol, even cookies.
I tell my wife, "Get the cookies
"out of the f*cking house,
especially Oreos.
I'm gonna eat a whole f*cking sleeve."
And she says, "Oh, well, well,
why can't you just eat one?"
It's like, "Do you even pay attention
to who you're married to?!
"I can't!
I'll eat the whole f*cking sleeve!
"And then, I won't even brush my teeth,
"so I'll-I'll have that
sugar morphine drip,
"like, coming down
the back of my throat,
"and I'll have these crazy f*cking
Keebler Elf dreams or whatever.
Get it out of the f*cking house!"
That's what I need to do, right?
That's what I learned.
Like, I-I have no desire
to do heroin whatsoever.
However, if it was
in my house long enough,
and the right set
of circumstances came along...
[laughter]
maybe I talked to my dad
that day on the phone,
tried to get a f*cking word in!
Maybe that-- You know what?
-Maybe I'll f*cking...
-[tapping]
We'll see what this is all about,
you know? I'll use one of those spoons
that went down the garbage disposal.
No one'll give a sh*t. I'll light it up.
I'll nod off in the living room,
fall on the L-shaped couch,
you know? So...
Whatever. I have learned that.
I've learned a lot of things in life.
You know, like, here's one I've learned.
You know, there's
a very small window in life
to beat the sh*t outta your dad, you know?
[laughter]
You think you got a lot more
time than you do. You don't.
It's sorta like ages
15 to about 17, you know?
If you try to do it before 15,
you're not man enough to get the job done,
and then you lose, and then he just
psychologically has the advantage.
But if you do it after 17,
now you're just beating up
an old man, you know?
You see his anchor tattoo.
You're like,
"Ah, f*ck, he was in the Navy."
Jesus Christ, I'm beating up a veteran.
Oh, man, I feel like a piece
of sh*t here, you know?
[cheering, applause]
Alright, here's another one for you.
I didn't think I was h*m*, right?
-[audience laughing]
-I didn't!
[laughs]
I'm not saying I'm not!
I'm just saying I didn't think I was.
No, 'cause I didn't have a problem.
Like, I don't have a problem with it.
I didn't have a problem, you know,
them getting married or any of that sh*t.
And I thought it was totally natural.
I was just like,
that's just, like, how you're born.
And I-- When people would be like,
"Oh, no, it's a choice.
They're choosing to be g*y."
I love when somebody said that. I go,
"Okay, let's say it's a choice.
Then that would mean
"being straight is a choice, right?
"So, that would mean that you,
at some point,
"hypothetically,
"had a d*ck and a p*ssy on the table
"and had a choice to make, right?
"You were sitting there,
'Alright, which way am I gonna go?
[audience laughing]
"'Well, let's see.
[laughs]
"'This one hurts more,
but I get to keep my house.
"'And then this one over here
feels amazing,
"but everything seems
to disappear down into it.'
"I mean, it's a coin flip,
as far as I'm concerned.
It was a coin flip.
Straight. Hey, Geronimo! Right?"
[audience laughing]
So, I realized-- I found out
I was h*m*
when, uh, I f*cked up my back,
and I went into this massage parlor
to have somebody work on me.
And they said,
"This is your first time here?"
I said, "Yeah."
They go, "Alright, do you prefer
a male or a female masseuse?"
And I, like, recoiled like,
-"Ew!" Like, "Ugh." [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
It's like, "I want a woman.
What the f*ck are you asking me?
I don't want some man!"
I didn't even picture a man.
I just saw a male arm
from here down to here
with black hair with, like, grease on it,
just coming up my back going,
"Okay, just breathe, just breathe."
I'm like, "Ah!
"It feels better.
You fixed it!
Get me the f*ck outta here!"
Yeah, so, like-- I, like-- Just the image
of that, I, like, f*cking recoiled.
And I was, like, I was
almost, like, defensive.
I was like, "No, I want a woman," right?
And then, you know,
the way I look, I probably, in my age,
I looked like some creep that was looking
for a f*cking happy ending, you know?
You can't be in there like...
No matter how I said it, it came off like,
[creepily] "Yeah, I want a woman.
I want a...
-[creepy gibberish] You know?"
-[audience laughing]
[normal] Yeah, thinking I'm looking
for a happy ending, you know,
which I wasn't, but you know.
I will say, I do have issue with them
calling it a "full-body massage".
[laughter]
It's like-- It's not a full-body massage.
It's "everything but".
You know what I mean?
And then, it's weird.
Then you walk out of there,
your whole body's relaxed,
and you're just dragging your nuts
down the f*cking street.
And that doesn't feel--
It feels weird.
[audience laughing]
And I know what you guys are thinking.
You probably think, "Oh, Bill,
why don't you just rub one out
before you go to the masseuse?"
It's like, "'Cause I won't make
the appointment, alright?"
I'm gonna fall asleep
upright in the chair,
and then my neck's gonna
be f*cked up and my back.
-Now, I got two problems.
-[audience laughing]
It would be great if they legalized it,
though, you know what I mean?
It'd be fantastic. You just have, like,
a regular masseuse in there, you know?
You gotta have the r-- the real masseuse
at the beginning, right?
'Cause wh*res don't give
a good back rub, you know?
[laughter]
A real masseuse gives an incredible
back rub, but a-a terrible hand job,
like most women.
Terrible hand job.
[audience laughing]
Most women, terrible f*cking hand job.
Not even trying to get
better at it either,
by the way.
Like, the skill set.
Like, you ever get this one?
The three fingertips?
-Do you ever get this?
-[laughter]
It's like,
"What are we doing here?
Are we waiting
for the next lunar eclipse?"
-Is there? What-- [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
I never thought I'd say this.
This is just f*cking annoying.
You're just, like, annoying.
Why don't you just
flick the head of my f*cking d*ck
while you're at it?
What are you doing, alright?
You're supposed to be
simulating penetration, alright?
More pressure going down.
Less pressure going up.
Add a twist! Add a twist,
it'll be over in 18 seconds.
No guy has ever had a woman helicoptering
up and down his f*cking d*ck.
It's gonna be over immediately, right?
-[audience laughing]
-Oh, it'd be fantastic.
I would run a massage parlor like that,
like a baseball manager.
I'd have the real masseuse go in,
eat up about eight innings,
and then I'd take the lube. "Alright,
you're done. You did a great job."
-Then you bring in the lefty.
-[knocks]
"Nice. Get in here, right?"
And she comes in...
[audience applauding]
...gives you a hand job better than 90%
of the blow jobs
you ever got in your life.
Then, you walk outta there,
your body's loose,
your ba*ls are empty,
you can hear your wife's voice again,
and everything's good.
[audience laughing]
You're more agreeable.
Fantastic!
I don't know.
What are, what are you gonna do?
So, anyway, you know,
there's a big thing out there.
I wanna let you guys know
this sh*t where it's just, like,
you know, they try to make you feel,
all these f*cking apps,
they make you feel bad about aging.
And all of these people
are getting, like, plastic surgery now.
I'm telling you,
you-you don't need to do it, okay?
You're gonna f*cking die, alright?
[laughing, applause]
That's Generation X,
my generation, in their 50s,
taking testosterone and sh*t,
posting before and after pictures
on the internet.
It's hilarious.
Shirtless, like, trying to attract women.
[laughter]
And it's funny, they look good.
They look like Rambo here.
But in the neck, you see the divorce,
the bad relationship with the kids,
the dreams that didn't work out,
the f*cking HOA that made
you tear down that porch
-that you didn't have the f*cking...
-[laughter]
the permit for, or whatever the f*ck
it was that you did, you know?
Do you realize how much you don't get life
if you're still trying
to bang broads in your 50s?
Dude, at my age, like, eight hours sleep
is the new p*ssy.
That's it!
[audience laughing]
-[applause]
-Yeah. Eight hours uninterrupted!
There's nothing better than that!
Meaning, I wake up when I wanna wake up,
you know what I mean?
I don't have somebody in my ear like,
"Okay, the kids have practice today!
"You need to go downstairs,
make 'em some breakfast!
-I gotta get the car washed!"
-[audience laughing]
Just waking up when I wanna wake up.
It's just, it's just--
It's-It's-It's-It's f*cking amazing.
So, I don't know, I-I-I might be weird,
but I think the job of an older person
is you're supposed to help out
younger people.
You're not supposed to try
and f*ck 'em, right?
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]
Slow applause.
"Oh, you know, alright.
-I mean, the legal age... [babbling]"
-[audience cheering]
I'm that old guy that acts like
he figured everything out, you know?
I'm that old guy that acts
like he figured everything out,
you know, so I always
give young people advice.
Like, I always tell women, right?
I'll be like, you know--
Okay, here's one for you.
If you're on a date with a guy,
at any point during the evening,
if he cracks his own neck, just get out
of the relationship right then and there.
[laughter]
Alright? He's a f*cking meathead.
And he's gonna put meathead babies in you,
and they're gonna drive tow trucks
and they're never gonna own the company,
okay? That's what it is.
[audience laughing]
Alright?
Look for the red flags, okay?
-Little guy, big watch. Major red flag.
-[laughter]
Nothing wrong with the little guy,
but that little guy with that f*cking--
maybe he has a rap album,
f*cking giant watch,
walking around making all this noise.
[laughter]
For some reason, you find him adorable,
so you agree to go out with him,
and then he pulls up to the date
in that giant truck,
and that magic step appears
so he doesn't fall to his death.
And the next thing you know,
you're in a f*cking relationship with him.
And one day,
you have a huge fight with him,
and he storms out, and you watch him
waddle down the front yard.
And then, you're upstairs crying
as you're folding his little pants.
[laughter]
And then it finally dawns on you.
"I coulda had the exact same problems
with a full-size man.
"For three years, I didn't
feel safe when he held me.
[audience laughing]
It's like I found a hairy 8-year-old
at the mall, right?"
Ladies, if you have a girlfriend,
and she has, like, a sweatshirt
that says "namaste" on it,
she's a c**t.
Like, how do you not see that?
-[laughter]
-How...
Why would you think that she's spiritual?
I just don't g...
You shouldn't have to advertise
that you're spiritual!
I-- You should sense it.
[whiny] "Namaste. This is just how
I choose to live my life."
[normal] You know,
she's one of those people,
you know, who goes on Instagram
and goes out into nature
with the bathing suit up her a*s
and does, like, the f*cking
heart hands with, like, advice.
[whiny] "Guys, don't forget
to take time for yourself
"when you're f*cking
gathering your knowledge
-on your journey," [normal] you know?
-[laughter]
If I was a dictator,
that's one of the first groups of people
that I would eliminate.
Anybody that f*cking did that.
-[cheering]
-And then, right after that,
would be anybody who tried to do
the heart hands, but were too stupid,
so it looked like
a grilled cheese sandwich.
You ever see? [whiny]
"Okay, Tabatha, see you later!" [grunts]
-[normal] It's just like...
-[audience laughing]
Alright, so I gave women
some advice, alright?
Here's something for the guys.
Guys, if you're dating a woman
who's always cold...
Alright, and I don't mean here,
the vitals.
I mean the feet, the hands,
the fingers, the extremities.
Almost as if her heart
isn't strong enough...
-[bumping mic]
-...to f*cking pump the blood out.
You know those women?
No matter what month of the year,
they're f*cking cold.
Every sleeve they have
f*cking hangs down to here.
You just see, like,
two fingernails hanging out.
Any, any drink you give 'em,
they gotta hold it like a toddler like...
[audience laughing]
They get in bed,
they put that cadaver foot on you.
-You're like [screams]!
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah!
-[applause]
You can't breed with that!
Alright? You're gonna have sickly
little children with allergies.
Kleenex in every room.
They're gonna come out
of the womb with a cold!
[crying, sneezing]
Few years later, they all got glasses,
[nasally]
"I can't go to school today, the pollen.
[sneezes, blows]
Can I watch my iPad?"
[sneezes]
And you're sitting there going,
"What the f*ck happened?
"I played sports.
What-What-What are these things?
What happened?" What happened?
You dumped one in Debbie Blue Toes.
That's what the f*ck you did.
-[applause, cheering]
-Jesus Christ, use your head!
You think she's gonna make
a strong baby? She's not!
All those flamingo-legged chicks,
you know?
Influencers.
We used to call 'em wh*res.
-[laughter]
-Now, they're, like-- Now they're leading,
they're leading the herd,
evidently, right?
[cheering, applause]
Yeah! Back in the day, back in the day,
women like that did not
survive the winter, alright?
They froze to death under
a buffalo blanket or some sh*t.
That's not what you wanted
back in the day.
You ever see paintings
of hot chicks back in the day?
They're like f*cking fullbacks!
That's what you wanted!
Something that could take
some punishment, you know?
Take a couple of pieces of plywood
off the dome during a tornado.
Something with a big a*s
your kids could hide behind
as she fought off a bear,
and you were running in from the fields!
[Southern accent]
"I'm coming for you Clementine," right?
[audience applauding]
[normal]
Yeah, these f*cking skinny chicks.
I'm telling you, they used to die
right and f*cking left.
But over the last 100 years, you had
all these f*cking-- all these inventions.
Centralized heat, right?
The C-section?
It just keeps them alive.
[laughter]
They make all these sickly,
whiny kids, you know?
Next thing you know, everybody's
wearing helmets. This is what it is.
[audience laughing]
-No.
-[cheering, applause]
No, this is one of these nights.
I don't feel like leaving.
I-I only got one more.
I only got one more, but you guys
were an amazing crowd.
So, let's end on this one right here.
So, uh, my lovely wife has given
me two beautiful children.
And, uh, few months back,
I was, uh, giving my son a bath.
He was 3 at the time, right?
So, I'm giving him a bath, right?
I wash him and everything.
I rinse him off, and then I--
he stand-- I stand him up.
I go, "Alright, buddy, it's your turn."
I hand him the washcloth,
and I'm like, "Alright, buddy."
I go, "It's your turn.
You gotta wash your pee-pee, right?"
'Cause I don't touch that part of him
'cause I got touched as a kid,
and he's not gonna
become a comedian, right?
-Basically, so...
-[laughing, cheering]
[laughs] It ends with me, right?
So, I go...
I go, "Alright, buddy, it's your turn.
Here's the washcloth. Wash your pee-pee."
Three years old,
he looks right back at me, he goes,
-"And my ba*ls." [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
[applause, cheering]
Dude, my heart almost stopped!
I was like,
"Who-Who taught you that word? You're not
in school yet! How do you know that word?"
I knew it was me. I knew it was me.
I was just trying to think.
I'm going, "Who taught you that word?
And please don't say that to Mom
'cause she's gonna k*ll me."
And I was thinking,
"How-- When the f*ck did I say that to him
that he knew to say that?"
And I realized we were potty training him,
and I didn't realize
I was saying that word
'cause, you know, he'd be like, "Dad,
I gotta go pee-pee. I gotta go pee-pee."
So, we'd set him down on the toilet,
and he would go.
I'd be, "Oh, who's a big boy?"
You know, hand him the toilet paper.
I'd be like, "Alright, let's go.
Wipe your pee-pee," right?
And f-for whatever reason, he was like,
reaching way down under.
[laughing]
-He was going way down under like that.
-[laughter]
So, I was going like,
"No, dude. No, higher.
"You gotta go--
"Dude, you're wiping your ba*ls.
Those are your ba*ls, man.
"You gotta, gotta wipe where the pee
comes out. Higher, higher, higher!
Dude, you're still wiping your ba*ls.
Higher. There you go! There, right!"
And I did say ba*ls because,
you know, that's what they're called!
You know?
There's a million cute words
for your d*ck, right?
Your ding-a-ling, your ding-dong,
your wing-wang,
-whatever the f*ck you call it.
-[laughter]
But your ba*ls, [stammers]
they're just your ba*ls, right?
So, that's what I said.
And this little man, he put it in the bank
and just waited, like, two months
for the perfect moment!
"Here you go, buddy.
Wash your pee-pee."
And he just, "And my ba*ls."
[laughter, applause]
Yeah, and I gotta be honest with you.
I have never been
so proud of him in my life.
To be a father and hear
your 3-year-old son go,
"My ba*ls," you're like, "That's right.
"You got f*cking ba*ls, buddy.
You got ba*ls.
"You don't break 'em for nobody. Come on.
"Punch me in the shoulder.
Punch me in the shoulder.
Go Pats. Go Pats."
Alright, you guys were awesome!
Thank you so much for coming out!
-[cheering, applause]
-I had a great time with you!
I will see you next time I come through!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[applause, cheering]
[audience fades out]
[street noise]
-[street noise continues]
-[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct yelling]
Do you know how good you go it, lady?!
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Bill Burr: Drop Dead Years (2025)
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