For Sale By Exorcist (2025)

[bunniefuu]

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

SUSAN:

In all my born days,

I ain't never seen a house

go through as much

as this property right here.

9 murders, 3 suicides,

fire and brimstone

right where we're yapping.

Good heavens,

if these walls could talk,

they'd probably curse you out

in backwards Latin.

The current owners believe

it's still home

to demonic forces.

They swore me up

and down that every night

at 3:00 a.m. they hear

the sound of a woman cackling.

(LAUGHING)

SUSAN:

But of course, when they look,

there's no signs

of anyone beside them.

Poor folks brought in a priest

to bless the house

and that's when whatever

was haunting 'em

-got madder than a wet hen.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)

Storms shattered the bay window

and they found three

-crows o n the floor...

-(CROW CAWING)

...each with its head

torn clear off.

Their puppy dog would bark at an

-empty wall until it wet...

-(DOG BARKING)

...itself in fright.

Mom found the family Bible

burnt up something awful

in the fireplace.

When Dad found his sweet

6-year-old daughter hovering

over him and the missus

with a butcher knife in one hand

and the devil dancing

in her eyes,

they knew it was time to sell.

But you know what?

I'm gonna get y'all

a great deal on this house.

()

WILLIE:

Woo-hoo!

Happy Halloween,

boys and ghouls.

This is your ghost host,

Wild Willie.

And what better way

to celebrate

this most devilish day

of the year

than to talk about

haunted houses.

But you know

what I've always wondered?

CHILD: (ON RECORDING)

I don't know.

What?

If your house is haunted

and you've got to sell,

who are you gonna call?

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, look no further,

because our guest this morning

is Ms. Susan Price,

a real estate agent

and certified exorcist.

So tell us, Susan,

how does this all work?

You take the dead out

and you move the living in?

You're not too far off

the mark there, Willie.

WILLIE:

Oh. Honey, please.

It's Wild.

Wild Willie!

AUTOMATED VOICE:

The Wild Willie Show.

(CHUCKLES)

So typically,

I'm approached by sellers

who have a haunted property

that needs cleansing

and I work with specialists

to guide the entity out

of the dwelling

and skedaddle them

to their final resting place.

WILLIE: (ON RADIO)

Hmm, what's that,

like a Motel 12?

(LAUGHTER)

If it's a spirit,

we guide 'em towards the light.

-Mm.

-If it's demonic forces,

then we must perform

an exorcism.

Ooh. Now-- now when you say

specialists, what's that?

Oh, typically,

I work with clergy.

Other times I bring

in other mediums.

What about larges and double Xs?

You know,

we don't body shame here

on the Wild Willie Show.

(LAUGHTER)

So uh, tell me, how long

you been doing this?

About seven years now.

Mostly residential.

But I have had some success

on the commercial side.

Your brewery is haunted...

(SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND)

...by a prohibitionist.

So why even get into

the real estate side of things?

Why not just run with

this ghost whisper business?

(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)

Everyone needs to find somewhere

where they belong.

It really dills my pickle

to help the living purchase

their dream home

and I'm happy as a lark

with getting the deceased

to move on

to the great hereafter.

But how do you know

that's where they're headed?

I mean, we can't all be angels,

right?

(LAUGHS)

Now these folks filming

here today, what's this,

for some type of TV show?

Actually, it's a documentary.

Hmm.

Hey, so do you guys actually

believe this weirdo?

SUSAN:

That ignorant yank.

You know,

I blew off an open house

in Salem, Massachusetts.

Witches were hanged

in the backyard there.

But no, like a dimwit,

I take a red eye to Wilmington

to get heckled

by a walking spray tan.

(SUSAN GRUNTS)

If we don't hit traffic,

we should get

to the Richmond Blood Phantom

by 2:00.

So you guys really think

I'm a weirdo?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

()

(COW MOOING)

INTERVIEWER:

Tell us how all this started.

What came first, the ghosts

or the real estate?

Oh. Death's been chasing me

since I was knee-high

to a grasshopper.

My mama died giving birth

and my daddy,

let's just say his rooster slid

into a slew of hen houses,

so I was raised by my Meemaw.

And she taught me early

that I had the gift.

She'd catch me talking

to my imaginary friends,

but even then I knew

what they were.

They were lost souls.

INTERVIEWER:

So why did you get

into real estate?

Meemaw and I moved around a lot.

She worked odd jobs,

so we were always traipsing

from town to town,

playing hopscotch across

the country.

So an address

wasn't a home to me.

Wherever my Meemaw was,

that was my home.

INTERVIEWER:

So where's your Meemaw live now?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

SUSAN:

So this here has been one

of the toughest projects

I have ever had.

We can't keep anyone here

for longer than six months.

Last family just up and left

in the middle of the night,

left all their animals here.

Story is Christmas of '89,

farmer just went nuttier

than squirrel turds, hacked up

his whole family,

scribbled a suicide note

on the wall in blood,

and they didn't find the bodies

for a month.

Left a stench

that would gag a maggot.

But it's got great bones.

-I mean they just--

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(DEREK GRUNTS)

Oh no.

Why are you giving me

that look?

I don't want that look, Derek.

Cheese and crackers.

Derek has painted that wall

12 times now.

And that dang old blood

just keeps on coming back.

Oh hell, just paint it red,

I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah, just paint it red.

You hear that, old MacDonald?

Derek here ain't afraid of you.

He's gonna paint it red.

This house is getting sold here.

Probably to some rustic hipster

who will love having

a dead-old pickle-puss like you

sharing his space.

Yeah, he'll love it.

It'll be ironic like PBR

and trucker caps.

The dead are just like

the living.

Stubborn.

Sometimes they need a little

boot in the hiney.

What the--

Now here's a man

I can negotiate with.

So when Meemaw passed on,

I was devastated and trying

to find an answer on

what to do with myself.

So I went seeking guidance

and my Meemaw spelled out

the name of a real estate

agency in Shreveport.

Warren Holzer had been selling

houses in Louisiana

for quarter a century,

had no reason to give

the time of day

to a hayseed like me,

but he did.

And I got the worst assignments

imaginable.

Real dumps that would make

roaches weep.

But there was one property

that the office couldn't sell

for the life of 'em.

It was a three-story colonial

out in the sticks.

Pretty as a picture

with a history

that was anything but.

It was home to a cult

of longhairs back in the '60s.

Real anti-establishment,

anti-deodorant types.

So when Nixon was elected,

they took turns

drowning each other in the lake

behind the house.

INTERVIEWER:

So it was haunted?

Haunted is an understatement.

At first families just reported

the smell of incense and BO,

but that escalated into

nightly hallucinations.

Disembodied entities waking up

families asking

to bum cigarettes.

After three separate

fumigation attempts,

the whole place still smelled

like patchouli.

INTERVIEWER:

How'd you handle it?

Ghost hunters,

demonologists, psychics.

We lit candles

and I hired someone

who could play

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

on a church organ.

I even had channeling sessions

connecting spirits with mediums

and drug counselors.

And it worked.

We cleansed that dwelling

and there have been no reported

haunting since.

INTERVIEWER:

So you're finding homes

for everyone, living

and otherwise.

But can I ask,

where do you call home?

()

SUSAN:

To be honest,

I don't really have

a traditional home.

Checking for bedbugs.

I guess the road is my home.

Checking for shadow people.

I'm always catching flights,

taking overnight trips.

I mean, I am licensed

in 12 different states.

It's really not that bad.

(WOMAN PANTING)

Sure has its moments.

Left my toothbrush

in Wilmington.

(COUPLE PANTING, MOANING)

SUSAN:

But what I lacked

in a stable home base,

I make up for in

Motel 12 loyalty rewards

and complimentary guest Wi-Fi.

(SIGHS)

INTERVIEWER:

Don't you think

it's ironic though,

a real estate agent

without a home?

Susan, I'm very glad you

decided to come see me again.

Is this good?

But I prefer the cameras

weren't in the session,

because they could affect

your behavior.

My behavior?

As long as you're honest

with yourself.

-(GRUNTS)

-Now what's on your mind?

I got my thoughts and feelings

all tangled up, Doc.

Hmm.

Are you still having qualms

about astral projection?

-No.

-Okay.

Is it about the past life

where you were married

to one of your relatives?

(SUSAN CLEARS THROAT)

Doc, I'm starting to feel lost.

Like last year's Easter egg.

I mean, I-- I--

I travel constantly.

Maybe it's time to settle down

and find a home of my own.

Well, you certainly are busy.

Technically, our appointment

was eight months ago.

(PHONE RINGING)

Dr. Zaffin, I'm so sorry,

I've got to take this.

(TAKES DEEP BREATHS)

Hey Ed, what's up?

Really?

I could be there by 7:00,

does that work?

Okay.

Leaving already?

It's a m*rder specter

in Morgantown.

Do you know how hard it is

to get in that area?

This was so helpful, Doc.

Really, I really appreciate you.

()

My buddy Ed's been trying

to sell this place

for a few months now,

but there is some force

that just doesn't want to leave.

This ain't no m*rder specter.

They've had six showings,

and every time a red-blooded

American male

walks through that door,

he complains about getting--

INTERVIEWER:

What?

Forgive me, but I am a lady.

INTERVIEWER:

What do they complain about?

He complains about

getting groped.

-INTERVIEWER: Groped?

-You know,

goosed,

f*ndled,

some phantom force comes

and tickles him in the, Maypole?

But the weirdest part,

oh, the weirdest part,

come check this out.

The lipstick.

Yeah, come on.

The couple keeps finding these

messages all over the house.

Now they've installed

security cameras above

every possible entrance.

Nothing.

No one enters, no one leaves,

but every once in a while,

a door will open

of its own accord,

and boom, there's a fresh one.

INTERVIEWER:

Can we speak

to the current owners?

Those two fight like

a couple badgers

in a pickle barrel,

but I'll try.

Our lives were perfect

until we moved into this house.

Until you started seeing

another woman.

Geri, there's no other woman.

GERI:

Really, Glen?

I was constantly finding

lipstick on his collar

and then I would wake up

in the middle of the night

hearing some woman

whispering his name.

She was in the bedroom with him?

No, he was FaceTiming her

while I was sleeping.

-Is that true?

-No, I swear, I'm faithful.

Um, when you were living here,

how did you feel?

Did you feel drained?

Drained?

I bet he did.

Please stop,

this is being recorded.

Now, what I think we have here,

folks,

is a succubus.

A sucked his what?

SUSAN:

A succubus is a female demon

that preys

on the energy of men.

I'm gonna need to bring in

a specialist.

You are gonna love this guy.

Father Doyle was

a Catholic priest

for decades before he found

his niche in demonology.

Of course,

the Archdiocese wasn't too keen

on all his methods.

INTERVIEWER:

Is that why he left?

That,

and he's what Meemaw would call,

"Cotillion ready".

DOYLE:

You know,

you're really not supposed

to wear the official garments

unless you're an active member

of the clergy.

But this collar, it really

accentuates my jawline.

And frankly,

the black is so slimming.

(STEPS REACHING)

Alright now,

is there any particular spot

where we should get started?

The bedroom.

Easy, tiger.

At least, pour me a drink first.

(LAUGHS)

See, she gets it.

SUSAN:

You're bad.

DOYLE:

Listen here, Jezebel.

By the time

we're through with you,

you'll be banished to hell

in time to work the third shift

at the underworld's

shittiest Applebee's.

(BREATHS HEAVILY)

In the name of the Father,

and of the Son,

and of the Holy Spirit,

most glorious Prince

of the heavenly armies,

Saint Michael, the Archangel,

defend us in our battle against

the powers

and the principalities

of the rulers of this world

of darkness,

and all of the wicked spirits,

the-- the wicked spirits

in the high places.

(WHIMPERS, GASPS)

()

Is that-- is that yours?

No!

(EXHALES)

Please, Father, let's continue.

DOYLE:

We drive you from us,

whoever you may be,

unclean spirits,

all satanic powers,

all infernal invaders,

all wicked legions,

assemblies, and a--

GERI:

What is wrong with you?

You're making her angry.

She's-- she's pinching me.

DOYLE:

Most cunning serpent,

you shall no more dare

to deceive the human race,

nor persecute the church,

nor torment God's elect.

he's-- she's squeezing my d*ck.

(GRUNTS)

You leave us alone.

You-- you homewrecker.

(SCREAMS)

Thus, cursed dragon,

and all you diabolical legions,

we abjure you in the name

of the true God,

and of the living God,

and of the Holy God.

Stop deceiving human creatures

by pouring into them the poison

of eternal damnation.

Deliver us, deliver us, Lord,

from all wickedness,

in the name of the Father...

and of the Son...

and the Holy Ghost.

(PANTING)

Let us pray.

Amen.

Oh, baby, are you okay?

Is it over?

Is she gone?

We still got more work to do,

but the worst is behind us.

(LAUGHS)

Let's get some ice.

Some for some drinks

and some for those ba*ls.

(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)

SUSAN:

Situations like this can really

bring people together.

Geri and Glen made up,

and now they don't want

to sell the house anymore.

And you know, that happens.

It's fine.

And I am happy for them.

But I do need to get myself

and Father Doyle paid.

GERI:

What the sh*t is this?

This is for our services

that you agreed to.

Closing cost?

We're not selling.

Right.

That's not closing, closing.

That's closing a gateway

to hell.

And there is a cost attached

to that.

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, ma'am.

My Meemaw raised me never

to joke about gateways to hell,

so let's quit piddling

and get y'all to sign.

And if we don't?

Sure, we can summon

that demon right back for you.

You wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

I have a Norwegian

black metal band that I bring in

for projects like that.

They're touring the States

right now.

It wouldn't even take 'em long

to get here.

f*cking hell.

GERI:

I hope your little

tickle parties

were worth it, Glen.

()

(SIGHS)

AMANDA: (ON TV)

This phenomenal house

in Berkeley Springs,

West Virginia

just hit the market

and the asking price

is a real steal.

It's perfect

for a young couple ready

to live it out.

Once they see this house,

they'll be halfway home.

SUSAN:

Oh, this gal.

Pretty as a pumpkin

and about half as smart.

AMANDA: (ON TV)

Hey there, guys.

Glad you could creep out

of the graveyard

for a little while.

So, ready to check out

the house?

Does that mean-- I'm sorry.

I hate for y'all to see me be

so ugly right now.

But she don't have an inkling

as to what those two want.

Oh.

Bless your heart.

This is the problem

with most realtors.

They're always forcing their

vision onto their clients.

Like it's not

a one-size-fits-all.

It's about listening.

And finding a place that really

speaks to your clients.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

That's the pizza I ordered.

I hope y'all like pepperoni.

I'm here for the cuddle fest.

(SIGHS)

SUSAN:

Next door.

Have a good night.

I can't keep living like this.

When you're looking

for a new home,

there are certain questions you

gotta ask yourself.

How much are you willing

to spend?

What size and type of dwelling?

Where is it located?

And are there any special

amenities you want?

For me,

price really isn't a big issue.

If I can talk a banshee out

of an Irish pub,

I can negotiate a good deal.

Size?

I've been living out

of hotel rooms

for over a month of Sundays.

So at this point,

I'll be happy if I can make

a meal that doesn't involve

a microwave.

Location?

Well, for starters,

it cannot be near

any ancient burial grounds

or hellmouths.

Where?

That's the humdinger.

Well, I do need somewhere

that's close to an airport

and the...

(CHUCKLES)

And the highway.

But I also want energy.

Activity.

I really want somewhere

that feels alive.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

He did not mention the cemetery

in the listing.

At least, they're not hiding

under the floorboards, right?

(SIGHS)

Morning there.

You must be Susan.

House was built in the '20s.

Only two owners

before the current one.

All new electric put in

about five years ago.

Fully-finished basement.

Walking distance from the park.

At the asking price,

it's a great deal.

(CHUCKLES)

Take a look around.

If you need me,

I'll be over here.

Thank you.

()

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

Ooh, oh wait.

Do you feel that?

There's like a cold spot

right here.

Oh, it's a vent.

Nevermind.

Hmm.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

I'm picking up something mighty

q*eer on my EVP recorder.

I finagled this doohickey

to monitor sounds in the cellar.

Basements

are notoriously haunted

and I don't need no boo hag

ogling me

while I'm down here

doing my yoga.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)

It's faint,

like a wicked little whisper.

Here, sweet Pete,

you're the expert.

Come listen to this.

Right?

Oh, jeezum,

Pete's dang phone

Bluetoothing

one of my ASMR videos.

I use 'em to sleep.

Thank you for your time,

Mr. Freeling.

TOBE:

You bet ya.

Any questions?

No, um, this is actually

the first place

I've taken a gander at,

so I got a lot to think about,

but when I'm ready to talk--

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Um, I'll be in touch.

Mirrors break by themselves

frequently around here?

Not that I've seen.

Could I trouble you

for some salt?

-Beg your pardon?

-Salt?

We should toss some

over our shoulder,

turn around three times

to ward off--

Uh, I might have some adobo.

(STEPS FALLING)

Could work.

Mm-mm.

Something ain't right in there.

I can't quite put my finger

on it,

but I got a mighty strong

impression that I ain't welcome.

I mean, my bones itch a little.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

Well, no need

to let a minor ruckus

sink my sails.

Tomorrow I'm getting serious.

I got a heapin' helpin'

of frequent flyer miles,

and it's time mama collects.

()

Ectoplasm I can handle.

But that there's raising

some red flags.

Y'all see that there?

That is black mold.

Could be a sign

of demonic activity.

Or water damage.

Either way, it's not good.

()

Meemaw says no.

God, crazy.

38 houses in four days

and not a winner in the bunch?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I need some sort of sign.

But I'd settle

for a little treat.

What do y'all think,

cheddar sour cream

or honey barbecue?

Ain't she pretty as all get-out.

Oh, I'm sensing good things.

I think I'm having

a premonition.

She is a beaut.

But you know,

let's not get our hopes up.

Looks can be deceivin'.

Like this time I listed this

cute little hair salon

down in Asheville

that was crawling with demons.

I cast ye out.

Rinse. Repeat.

I cast ye out.

Rinse. Repeat.

(EXHAILING)

Here we go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

May I help you?

Hi there.

Oh, good heavens.

Are you from

Publishers Clearing House?

Did we finally do it?

No, ma'am.

Oh, uh, why are you filming?

Oh, um, I'm Susan.

I'm here to see the house.

We're making a documentary.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, you kids and the TikToks.

Now come on in. Come on in.

We have lived here 39 years.

33 of them were wonderful.

And then my husband retired.

(PATTY CHUCKLES)

So here we go. Not my choice.

Pleasure, sir.

Now, don't get me wrong.

This is a wonderful house.

But we're getting older

and it's a lotta upkeep.

So we put it on the market

and we're gonna move into

a retirement community...

-Oh.

-...down the road.

Retirement community.

Oh, I don't know

what you are so sour about.

Do you want me to continue

keeping up the garden

and hanging up

the Christmas lights?

You can barely pour

your cereal.

The house was built in the '20s,

but we have kept up

with renovations as needed

over the years.

()

PATTY:

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

It's useful,

it's not just decorative.

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

...The flooring is,

and we've got this--

-SUSAN: I sure do.

-PATTY: Isn't that beautiful?

Original. Original.

-SUSAN: Patty.

-PATTY: Yeah.

So that just about does it.

Do you have any questions?

I mean,

I could ramble on all day.

(CHUCKLES)

Any unusual occurrences?

Strange phenomena?

Strange phenomena.

About 10 years ago,

we started hearing this noise

in the attic.

I mean, dreadful noise.

We couldn't sleep a wink.

We heard it every single night.

Do you think it was gh--

Possums. Yeah.

Those beady-eyed little buggers.

They got in through the roof.

Oh, don't worry.

We hired an exterminator,

fixed the roof,

haven't had a pest sighting

since.

Unless you count my husband.

(LAUGH)

BLT.

Oh, well, I am very interested.

Have you had any other buyers

swing through?

Bacon, lettuce, tomato.

I know what a BLT is, Bruce.

WTF.

I'm talking to Susan.

Who?

One young woman stopped by

last week and saw the place,

but we haven't had an offer yet.

With a pickle?

There are no pickles, Bruce.

Patty, I'm gonna get back to you

quicker than

a knife-fighting outhouse.

I'll have an answer

to you mighty soon.

Well, that'd be wonderful, dear.

(LAUGHS)

What happened

to all the pickles?

You ate them.

Y'all!

I think that's the house I want!

Oof. Mm.

There was maybe something

cattywampus.

I don't know if y'all picked up

on that.

Just like an angry presence,

maybe.

It's probably just

Patty's husband.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm probably just psyching

myself out.

I'm gonna rest my peepers

and make

my decision first thing

tomorrow morning.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Nighty-night.

(GASPS)

Gallopin' griddlecake!

Somebody robbed me!

(TAKING DEEP BREATHS)

God!

Oh.

They didn't take anything!

Everything is here!

INTERVIEWER:

Are you sure?

I mean,

my jewelry, my laptop!

It's all safe!

Thrown around a bit,

but fine as frog's hair!

Who would do this?

INTERVIEWER:

Are you sure it was a person?

What are you suggesting?

INTERVIEWER:

Like are you sure it was

a living person?

Y'all mind if I bunk

with the crew tonight?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I'm buying that house.

Just gonna finish putting on

my face.

Then I'm driving down there

to make an offer.

'Cause I'm done living out

of suitcases.

And there just ain't no way

I am gonna start exorcising

every hotel room

that I walk in to.

Whew!

Y'all ready?

Thunder turtles!

Crust on a cr*cker! Patty!

I told you I'd make an offer!

I am sorry.

I'm so sorry.

But Miss Duncan here's

made an offer.

Amanda Duncan.

Hi there, sweetie.

Wanna take a selfie?

Where's your phone?

I don't want a selfie.

-I want this house!

-Sorry, hon.

I just helped close on it

for two little lovebirds

starring

in this season's premiere.

Wait till you see what we do

with the basement.

-That's my fitness center!

-Now, Susan!

Ear down, Patty!

I'm fixing a deal here!

What do you want?

My clients just bought.

They're not selling.

Well, they can spit fire

and keep the matches.

I'm getting this house!

Why do you look familiar?

I've seen you on the news.

These spirits were restless.

You're that weirdo that flips

haunted houses!

(LAUGHS)

Name your price.

PATTY:

Susan!

Are you a ghostbuster?

I thought that was make belie--

Now, now, Patty!

Listen, Amanda,

I'm sure we can strike a deal.

A trade of some sort.

I'm licensed in 12 states.

I like your moxie.

I had a couple

from the season 4 finale,

my only episode that ever ended

without a sale.

The network wants them back

this season for a follow-up,

but last time those freaks

weren't happy

with a single showing.

They're weird.

Like you.

If you can get them to close

on a house

in the next three weeks,

then maybe, just maybe,

I might convince my clients

to sell.

For a simple 20% markup.

(SCOFFS)

20%?

Take it or leave it, sweetie.

Find these people a house

they love in three weeks, hmm?

By midnight on the 30th.

Who's the couple?

LUCIAN:

We want something old.

KASSANDRA:

But elegant.

LUCIAN:

Perhaps Victorian.

KASSANDRA:

But not puritanical.

As you can tell, we have

a very specific aesthetic.

We appreciate the darker side

of the human experience.

And we want a home

that reflects that.

Got it.

And what's your price range?

Money is no object.

His father is a congressman.

And y'all want to stay

in this general area?

Not necessarily.

For the right dwelling,

we would migrate.

Like bats.

(LAUGHS)

Do bats migrate?

Alrighty.

Well, one option immediately

comes to mind.

KASSANDRA:

The view is divine.

LUCIAN:

Undeniably.

It would remind us daily about

the temporal constraints

of this mortal coil.

Sure is a hoot.

Come on, let's see the rest

of the house.

Oh, the electric has been

redone

in the past five years.

Fully-finished basement.

Plus, it's walking distance

from the park.

Thoughts?

Feelings?

Come on, partners, you've gotta

work with me here.

What's not sitting right?

The furnishings are so mundane.

SUSAN:

They're the sellars.

They'll be gone.

Imagine this house

with all your stuff. Hmm?

All your creepy, kooky,

cobweb-covered stuff.

Picture the two of you

walking through this room

like a couple of sexy Draculas.

Mm.

Feel better?

Has anyone died in this house?

Died?

I don't know.

Let's ask the sellar's agent.

Hey Tobe!

Have there been any murders

in this house?

Murders?

I'm sorry, murders?

You asked me

if anyone died here.

From what I understand,

the current owner's mother

died peacefully

in her sleep last year.

God bless.

But no murders.

How about suicides?

Any suicides?

Oh, for crying out loud,

come on!

Ancient sigils carved

into the foundations.

Not that I'm aware.

Do you ever get the feeling

that you're being watched?

Okay, y'all, we're leaving now.

Mm. Bye, Tobe!

What kind of questions

were those?

Murders? Suicides?

What, are y'all looking

to buy a haunted house?

Are you psychic?

Oh, good grief.

Y'all two found

the right realtor.

I'm a certified exorcist.

I find houses, cleanse 'em,

and sell 'em.

Wait.

Really?

Would I lie to you, Buttercup?

Did y'all even glance

at my business card?

Listen, I'll find you

a haunted house.

It's as simple as waiting

for my phone to ring.

Well, don't rush on my account.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Susan Price.

Telemarketer.

Hold your horses there,

Morticia.

I'm fixing to call

in the cavalry.

Father, how are ya?

I'm okay.

Listen,

I got two buyers who are looking

for an uncleansed property

with a spiritual infestation.

Yep, they actually want

to buy a haunted house.

I reckon you may have

some ideas?

Well, that ain't a bad idea.

Let me pitch it to 'em.

Yeah, I'll call you back

in a bit.

Bye-bye.

That was my demonologist friend.

You know what, I think

we may have a spot for ya.

It's got more spirits than

a New Orleans liquor mart.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

This house is haunted?

Oh, it's utterly bewitched,

my dear.

This property reeks

of heartache and torment.

The walls breathe

a distinct musk

of terror and pain.

Let's take a peek inside,

shall we?

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, what is that?

Smells like a Yankee candle.

Yes, that's her, alright.

Her?

What you're smelling

are the beloved aromas

of Sally Rexford,

the dearly departed homemaker

that once resided

in this humble abode.

It was April 6, 1997,

when Sally snapped.

Whether it was a shortage

of Valium

or her fruit smoothie went

sour, regardless,

she shot her corporate executive

husband square in the chest.

And then later, she strangled

her 7-year-old son

with his yo-yo.

She took the corpses,

chopped them up,

and combined the flesh

with cookie dough,

where she baked a

putrid batch of oatmeal raisin

meat wafers.

She deposited these morbid

little morsels

on a neighbor's doorstep,

returned home,

and then she blew

her brains out.

Six different residents

have tried to live here,

but the spirits

just won't let them.

The m*rder*d and the m*rder*r

are forever trapped

in this middle-class prison.

But not too much of a prison.

There are lots of windows,

fresh air,

I mean,

wait till you see the deck,

the backyard is huge.

What are the hauntings like?

Mm. On the low end,

the saccharine sweet stench

of Sally's hand soap

and mall kiosk potpourri.

-And on the high end?

-DOYLE: Hmm.

Some residents have experienced

being possessed by the

spirit of Sally and harboring

an overwhelming compulsion

to k*ll.

How cute.

What's upstairs?

The little boy's room.

Yes, the ghosts of children

are particularly troublesome.

Doomed to wander

this earthly plane

without a mother and father

to guide them.

Oh, the poor dear,

he's all alone.

Hmm, perhaps this house would be

a perfect fit for you two

and you can be the parents

this spirit

so desperately needs.

We don't want kids.

Well, we haven't really

discussed that, Lucian.

Right, we haven't really--

Let's go see the kitchen!

(STEPS FALLING)

All new appliances.

The previous owners really

gussied the place up.

Yes, right before the husband

burned his fingers off

in a tragic accident.

Snickerdoodle?

Oh.

That timer, however.

Curious thing.

We reset it 14 times

and it goes off every day

at exactly 3:00.

Why 3:00, you may ask?

Demonic forces mocking

the Holy Trinity?

No.

Soccer practice.

(SIGHS)

I think we'll pass.

Mm.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey y'all!

Hey, hey, wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

No, no, no, no, no!

Wait! Hey, wait! Hey, wait!

Ms. Price,

we are not interested.

It's haunted,

but not the way we want to be

haunted.

Well, I love it.

And I would stay here

for eternity.

SUSAN:

Listen, listen, I'm gonna find

you something better.

I'm gonna find--

Please, please,

just give me one more chance!

I won't take a single cent

of commission!

My entire cup will go to y'all!

Come on, babe. Let's go home

and drink some absinthe

and forget all

of this ever happened, okay.

SUSAN:

Please!

Okay, well, I'll be in touch!

(SCREAMS)

You know, Susan,

I usually don't see patients

this late.

But for you,

I'll make an exception.

I found a house.

But the blueprints didn't

disclose that the structure

perfectly forms a pentagram,

like that rec center

in Charleston.

What? No.

In order to buy my dream home,

I have to jump through

all these hoops

to convince the seller that

I'm worth selling to.

Like that time you had

to convert to Judaism

in the battle of that dybbuk?

No.

Aren't you supposed

to just listen?

I'm sorry.

It's late.

Continue.

I just--

I just-- I-- I don't--

Ugh! I'm a big ball

of nerves these days.

(STATICS)

Well, that's peculiar.

Hmm. That's what I get

for buying a TV on Craigslist.

Wait, Doc!

Hello?

Who is this?

Excuse me, you did not book

a group session.

My cruelty!

(GASPS)

Susan, take a seat.

Let's talk about those hoops.

Hey, Doc?

I think I need

to speak with a specialist.

I can't believe she's letting

y'all sh**t in here.

CREW MEMBER 1:

We paid her.

You paid her?

I paid her.

How much did you pay her?

Hi.

It's good to see you again.

In this new form,

you look majestic.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

You do, too.

What brings you here?

You don't know?

I'm seeking guidance.

Against the ones

who are angry with you?

There are many of them.

Who are they?

Why are they angry with me?

I don't know anyone

angry with me.

There are hundreds of them.

Displaced.

Without homes.

What the heck

are you talking about?

I find people homes.

I'm a real estate agent.

No, they're coming through

clearly.

They're furious.

Hundreds of them.

Oh, oh.

Oh, they're screaming.

So much screaming!

Can I help them?

What can I do?

Leave!

(SIGHS)

Mother of pearl,

it's all making sense now.

If it were a snake,

it would have bit me

in the behind.

Is my door open?

What the heck?

(SCOFFS)

(PANTING)

What the heck is going on?

(PANTING)

She was right.

Ms. Evy was right.

(STATICS)

(GASPS)

Spirits.

They don't have anywhere to go.

It's about 2:00 a.m.

and I am sleeping in my car.

Well, I'm trying to sleep

in my car.

I'm terrified, to be honest.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

But I got a feeling

I better figure it out

as soon as possible.

I really thought I was doing

the right thing.

Sending all those spirits out

in the great beyond,

but I--

I guess I didn't know

where I was sending 'em.

Damn.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

This morning I was woken up

by a text message

from Ms. Amanda Duncan.

And she informed me that

her clients, who bought

my dream house, are asking

for an additional 20%.

(SOBS)

It's like Meemaw

always used to say,

"If it ain't the bed bugs,

it's the ants."

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Hello?

PATTY: (ON PHONE)

Hello. Susan, I need your help.

Patty?

PATTY: (ON PHONE)

You're the only one who knows

about ghosts.

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(ENGINE STARTS)

Patty Sherman called me

in a tizzy, begging me

to drive out

to the senior living community

where they moved.

Somethin' about how I was

the only one that could help.

(KEYS CLINKING)

(CAR HORNS)

PATTY:

When we moved in, we were two

of 20 residents.

Now it's only us

and the gentleman down the hall.

BRUCE:

Charlie.

-What?

-Charlie.

His name's Charlie.

Bruce, who gives a rip

what his name is?

Well, I bet he does.

PATTY:

We thought it was odd that

the place got so empty,

but now we know why.

There is something screwy

going on here.

Two nights ago,

Bruce's walker was hopping up

and down in the kitchen.

I woke up and saw it

springing back and forth.

This might sound crazy,

but last night I woke up

to the sound of

my dentures chattering.

They were in the bathroom,

in a cup,

chomping all by themselves.

You wanna hear the worst part?

Bruce, that is inappropriate.

What's the worst part?

They keep hiding my d*ck pills.

Bruce, the ghosts are not taking

your medication.

Susan,

you said you know about ghosts.

Can you help us?

Patty, I'm fixing to update

my business model.

Let's make a deal.

You get the spirits out

of this building,

and we will break our contract

with Amanda Duncan

and sell you the house.

Hush your mouth, Patty!

Oh, ain't you just as sweet

as pecan pie?

We will figure this all out.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

()

Hey, Father, I need your help.

Hey, Anders.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Hi there.

No. Wait, don't hang up.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Thank you all

for joining me here.

We're still waiting

on some folks,

but we may as well get started.

This is a big job

and I need all the help

I can get.

A train derailed on this site

nearly 80 years ago.

Hundreds

of passengers were k*lled

in the crash and never made it

to their final destination.

Or their final destination.

Instead,

they are roaming the halls

of New Horizons.

We've got to help these spirits

and the seniors living here

both find peace.

With these blueprints,

I have devised a full plan

to utilize each team member's

strengths.

It's high time we knuckle down

and do our damn best.

()

It's a smidge after 9:00 p.m.,

and we've begun

our investigation.

I split the group up

to cover the most ground

on a tight timeline.

I got Father Doyle

in the management office,

blessing all deed

and zoning documents.

Patty and Bruce are monitoring

our surveillance gear.

And I am with Ms. Evy here

doing a full psychic reading

of all the apartments.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

DOYLE:

Oh my lord.

Mm.

I can't believe how much they

charged these poor saps

to live here.

(CHUCKLES)

But I'm sure the amenities

are fantastic.

You know what?

I saw an aquarium.

Those things don't come cheap,

you know.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, oh, oh, oh sugar.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

I hope they got a copy

of this one.

()

Whosever in here with me?

I'm warning you now.

I haven't eaten since brunch.

And I'm a b*tch on wheels.

(LIGHT FLICKERS)

Oh boy.

Well, either there's a ghost

or that overdue electric bill

over there.

PATTY:

Lord almighty.

Susan!

Now how am I supposed to read

my funnies?

Would you zip it already?

(AIR WHOOSHES)

Did you hear that?

I took out

my hearing A*DS hours ago.

()

Ms. Evy, you doing okay?

There's an overload

of bad energy here.

You ain't lying.

I'm sweating like a sinner

in church.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)

You should be.

(SCREAMS)

(STUFF FALLING IN BACKGROUND)

(SCREAMS)

Ms. Evy?

Ms. Evy?

Ms. Evy?

Ms. Evy, are you okay?

Oh, hells bells.

-(GROWLS)

-(SUSAN SCREAMS)

Bruce!

(MACHINE WHIRRING IN DISTANCE)

()

(STATIC)

Susan!

Anybody know

where the breaker is?

()

Dear lord.

Deliver us from evil.

And protect us

at our most vulnerable time.

(GRUNTS)

I command you to stop.

You're being incredibly rude!

(STATIC)

()

Oh, oh, Susan!

(TAKING DEEP BREATHES)

-The lights went out.

-Shh, I know, I know.

PATTY:

We saw things that

I cannot explain.

A self-driving rascal scooter.

That-- that was a ghost, Bruce.

No, I read about those.

They're called Teslas.

Patty, I got some bad news.

I cannot get the spirits out

of this place.

Why not?

I am being punished

by every ghost

I have ever displaced

from every house

I've ever sold.

And somehow they have all taken

up residence inside

of Ms. Evy.

I can't do this anymore.

What about our deal?

Don't you want the house?

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)

Come out, Susan.

It's so warm and cozy

inside your friend here.

(LAUGHS)

No.

No, I don't want the house.

I have made a career off

of displacing the most

vulnerable of souls.

The lost, the desperate,

the lonely.

And it's time

I make it all right.

You're a real weirdo, Susan.

You're darn right I am.

Father, meet me

in the rec room in five.

We're gonna need salt

and a circle of binding.

Mm-hmm.

Bruce, you stay there,

read your paper.

Patty, come with me.

Okay, okay.

That way.

Come on.

You gotta be careful

with these sigils.

Precision is key.

One wrong rune

and you can find yourself

in a hell dimension or worse.

INTERVIEWER:

What's worse

than a hell dimension?

Mothers for Easter.

-SUSAN: Ms. Evy, no, stop!

-Oh, oh, dear God.

-SUSAN: Stop, stop!

-Dear God.

(SUSAN SCREAMS)

Alright. (CLAPPING)

Places, people.

(GROWLS)

Now, do it now!

(LAUGHS)

(HONKING)

(GRUNTS)

()

What's the plan, Susan?

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)

Yeah, Susie, what's the plan?

I got a decade

of bad behavior to make up for.

I'm buying this place.

We can live here, all of us.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)

If you think you can kick us

out of this, woman?

You are mistaken.

We found this fixer-upper

and we are not leaving.

All the spirits I cast out.

It's time to summon 'em back.

To find them a home.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)

We have a home.

I mean a forever home.

For all of us!

Father Doyle.

Lost souls.

Demons.

Forgotten creatures

from realms that men

fear to tread.

I bind thee.

With these words, I shackle you.

And with words, I set you free.

The horn of heaven reigns.

What's that racket?

(CAR HONKS AND WHIRRING

IN DISTANCE)

They made it!

Who?

Dds Bringeren!

(LAUGHS)

Who's Dds Bringeren?

()

(LAUGHING)

()

(SPEAKS NORWEGIAN)

()

(SINGING IN NORWEGIAN)

()

(CLAPPING IN BACKGROUND)

Holy sh*t. Far out.

My name's Charlie.

Any-- anybody got any drugs?

What happened?

SUSAN:

You don't remember?

I remember we were in a hallway.

And everything went dark.

And it felt like I was sharing

a porta potty with 200 people.

I still don't know

if this is gonna work.

But it's the best I could do.

I gotta a lot of apologies

to make

and a lot of explaining to do.

So if you'll excuse me,

I got a long night ahead of me.

()

Looking for a new experience

this Halloween?

Why not book a stay at this

authentic haunted

apartment complex,

where you can rent a room

and mingle with actual ghosts.

The owner

and former real estate agent,

Susan Price,

promises that every room

in the building is occupied with

at least one paranormal entity.

(ROCK MUSIC)

(HOWLS)

(LAUGHING)

If you'd told me a year ago

that I'd be living

in an apartment building

with over 250 confirmed spirits.

Ain't no way I ever would've

believed you.

But here we are.

Forget Transylvania.

Forget Salem, Massachusetts.

This right here

is the premier supernatural

vacation destination.

Now if you'll care to join us,

I've got a tour starting.

Hey, folks, how we doing today?

Welcome to the Ghostel.

So happy to have y'all here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LYRICS IN NORWEGIAN)