01x04 - The Red Door

[bunniefuu]

The Red Door.

"We don't need no education!"

Yes you do.

You've just used the double negative.

Notice anything?

- What?
- Yes.

Your eyes, something's wrong
with your eyes.

No... I have a new cup.

What's wrong with my eyes?

It's not very distinctive, is it?

How's anyone supposed to know
it's yours?

There's a picture of me on it.

No, there isn't!

- Yes there is.
- No there isn't!

- Moss!
- Yes there is.

I'm sick of my things going walk about.

With this picture,

everyone knows that a certain Mr. Moss
might be looking for his cup...

There is nothing on the cup!

Wrangle with him and you'll find
your handful my friend.

Wrangle! With who?

There's no one there!

- Morning.
- Morning.

Did you have a nice week-end?

- It was alright, thanks.
- Not you!

I did too.

Nice scarf.

- I'm not wearing a scarf.
- Not you, Moss!

Notice anything new about Moss?

His eyes?

What is wrong with my eyes?

No, he has a new cup.

It's the talk of the office.

Yes, I think I read about it in Hits.

Receptionist 3rd floor,
Gloria what's-her-name...

Have you seen her baby?

I didn't even know she was pregnant.

She was onto here!

Yeah, I thought she was stealing
office equipment.

That's how I got that monitor home.

- Do you want to seat here?
- Thank you.

- What?
- Ask me where it is...

- Where what is?
- The picture.

Where is the picture, Moss?

It's on the base, Roy.

OK, well, let's see it then!

Sure, I pour hot water all over myself,
and we all have a good chuckle.

Everyone except muggins here.

Show you in a minute.

Can I ask you two a question?

Please, Christ, yes!

Wait, wait. One moment, wait.

Ok. Go.

How can you two live like this?

- How can you two...
- Don't google the question Moss!

What are you talking about?

It's so disgusting in here.

I mean I know nobody comes down here,

but it doesn't mean you have to live
like animals, you know...

I mean for a start
you could clean that window

and you'd have a bit of light in here.

What window?

That one up there.

Yeah, that's not a window.

Yes it is.

Get it clean, you'll have
some light in here.

I think that we have plenty of light...

light to be doing fine!

I mean look at that CD tray.

Isn't that important,

when you'd like to actually put CDs
in there at some point?

Well, yes, ideally, but

I haven't the heart to move them.

I mean, how did that even happen?

Ok. Now, I'm curious.

Give us a look at the picture then.

What picture?

The picture on the cup.

Right!

Behold!

There's nothing there!

What?!

This isn't my cup!

What is that?

Goat's cheese salad?

You don't like goat's cheese?

I don't like goat's anything!

I don't like goats...

being involved in any stage
of the food production process.

Would I blow everyone's mind
if I ate dessert first?

What are you eating anyway?

It's a bucket of fried chicken.

You know, it comes in a real bucket now.

Tell me,

what's behind that red door?

Nothing.

Well, there must be something behind it.

There's nothing behind the red door,
Jen.

- Well then I can just go...
- No Jen!

It's just a boring old store room,
that's all.

It's just a store room where we keep
the snibbits.

What's a snibbit?

It's a kind of planch.

A planch for the computers?

Yes. Computer planch.

Well, if it's a store room,

- you can store some of this stuff.
- No! Jen, Jen!

Look, I know that you wanna make
your mark down here and,

and that's really sweet, but,

you can't just go messing around
with the snibbits door room,

willy-nilly.

You... You can't upset the whole harmony
of the place.

Harmony! What harmony?

Look, I know that the place
looks like a bit of a mess,

but it's actually a very delicate
ecosystem.

Everything is connected.

It's like the rainforest.

You change one thing,

even the tiniest bit,

and the whole rainforest dies.

You don't want the rainforest to die, do you?

No, I really don't want
the rainforest to die.

That's what will happen
if you open the red door.

Hello, I.T., have you tried
turning it off and on again?

Ok, but are you sure
that it's plugged in?

Ok, well I'll be up in a minute.

What was that about?

Just a girl on four.

Oh, a job?

You gonna go?

Yeah. In a while.

It can wait.

But why can it wait?
She probably needs to get on,

she needs her computer, you know.

Yeah well, I am reading a comic.

I knew it.

Every time I used to phone I.T.
in my last job

it's a good couple of hours
before someone got to me.

That is how we do it.

You can't go up straight away

or they'll all expect it.

You're k*lling the rainforest!

Stop saying that!

Look there's more than that:
me and this girl,

I asked her out once,

she said no, it all got
a little bit embarrassing

and ever since then, whenever I go up,

she treats me like I'm some sort of
sexually frustrated cretin.

Get up there now, please.

You're not the head of this department.

No, I'm relationship manager.

I'm the one you gets the complaints.

I'm the one who gets in trouble.

I'm the one whose name is on the line...

Oh God! All right,

I will go up just to shut you up.

Watch her!

For God's sake!

There's someone under here.

Yes!

Hello!

Hello?

Did you get it fixed?

Oh, yeah.

Well, left him to it.

- Just can't have him in sight.
- Yeah.

Do what you need and just go.

What are you laughing at?

This flipping circuit board, Jen,

Some chump has run the data line
right through the power supply.

Amateur hour!

I've got tears in my eyes.

Roy's stuck under a desk.

Stuck under a desk?!

Yes. It is an unusual text, isn't it?
It's not just me?

No, it's unusual.

I'd best investigate.

Yes.

You investigate.

I'll hold the fort.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about your hand.

Oh, don't worry about it.
I must have cut it when I swooned.

I startled you a bit.

I didn't know there were anyone else
down here.

I thought it was just the three of us.

I often work at nights so, perhaps
that's why you haven't seen me.

Gosh, it's very cold in here, isn't it?

Air conditioning.

Keep these things cool.

Yes, what are they?

I've no idea.

They have put me in charge of them.

Moss and Roy.

I don't know their names.

I mean,

I don't know any of these stuff
even does.

What's going on there?

I don't know.

Is it good that it's doing that?

Usually, it doesn't do that.

And I think I should tell them, but,

but often I just look away.

And this one:

Flash.

Flash.

Flash.

Then wait for it.

Nothing for a while.

Here it comes.

Double flash.

Brilliant.

It's obvious you are going mad.

So, let me get this straight.

You stay down here all the time.

I pop out occasionally
when I have to get supplies.

And you don't know why you're here,

or what you do.

Correct.

So this is your job?
This is what you want for a career?

No.

You don't understand.

I'm not here because...
I want to be here.

This is...

This is my punishment.

You see, I used to be Denholm's
second in command.

Do I amaze you?

So, how did you end up down here?

That's the question I've been
asking myself for 4 long years.

Oh I... couldn't help noticing
that you're bleeding.

- Yes. No it's fine it...
- Just let me...

- Please I can help.
- I'll deal

with myself at home
but the risk is, honestly....

Oh my...

Oh my God.

Please, excuse, excuse me,
what are you doi...

Get off me! Get...

Thank you.

That should clear up nicely.

Yes, there was a time
when things were very different.

I was one of Reynholm Industries'
top guys.

You should have seen me,
I was magical.

Here's me saying some pretty
important stuff

to a group of people circled
around me.

In a boardroom,
I was a wizard.

A punchy character.

Here's me with a graph.

Things were moving fast.

So fast, my career was advancing
by leaps and bounds.

Adam saw greater things for me.

They were crazy heady days.

It seemed like these days
would last forever.

But it all changed.

So, what happened?

It's quite a long story actually.

Really? Don't worry about it then.

Oh my good gracious me, look at that!

Quick!

What is it?

I can't explain it.

You're just going to have to come
over here,

and look out this window for a while.

Whatever it is, we're not interested.

Well. I have to say you're missing out.

Fine.

Jiminy!

Jones!

Look, the nature of the things

that is happening has changed...
slightly,

rendering it yet more interesting.

Someday, I will tell my kids about this.

But you can't even tell us...

How are you gonna tell your children?

Oh, you have no...
interest in the world.

Are you sure it's okay to come out?

Yeah, don't you worry about those two.

And listen Richmond,
I've always wanted to know yeah,

why do you never see
any c*ck Goths?

That's you cheerful.

It's spoiled for the rest of us.

And how come you never see
Goths driving cars?

We drive cars...

We're just like you really...

except that we listen to
Cradle of Filth.

Cradle of Filth,
I presume that's a band.

It's not literally a cradle of filth?

Oh no. That would be horrible.

Cradle of Filth are actually

one the best contemporary
dark-wave bands in the world.

I'll never forget the first time
I heard them.

Changed my life.

Blew my mind.

I was lucky I discovered them
when I did!

Because it was around that time that

things started to go wrong
for me at work.

I don't know what happened.

Suddenly, people just weren't
returning my calls.

In my strategy meetings,

they'd seemed distracted.

Distant.

I couldn't put my finger on it

but something was wrong.

I'll tell you.

It was good to have
the Filth to come home to

after another disappointing day.

You've got to help Roy!

Richmond's out of his room.

He's not in his room,
he's supposed to be in his room.

Why is he out of his room?

Well, he's gotta come out
and play with us for a while.

But the rainforest and...

What's wrong with you Moss?

Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.

What! Still?!

Look, I know that normally
this would be very funny

but he's been under there too long
for reasonable explanation.

That woman looks down, she's going
to assume he's a desk rabbit.

- What's a desk rabbit?
- I just made that up.

But that's probably going to be

what they'll sort of call
people like Roy.

But Roy is not a desk rabbit,
he's my best friend.

Unless you do something so tumble you,
me and Tim Burton over there.

What can I possibly do? I...

Look, she could look under there
any minute.

- It could already be too late.
- I don't know what to do...

You're relationship manager,
that falls under relationship.

Alright, alright.

Just shut you up.

Hello Richmond.

How are things?

Oh you know.

Not brilliant.

He's supposed to be in his room.

There's a builder outside,
taking off his shirt.

- Like in ads?
- Yeah, like in ads...

- Easy one downstairs?
- They're fine, yeah.

I left Moss and Richmond in charge.

Good, well Moss...

Richmond!
He's not out of his room, is he?

Yeah.

What did I say about the red door?
I said don't open the red door!

It was the only thing that I asked you!

What have you got against him?

Just don't like him.

Oh God, you're just like
the rest of them,

the people that turn their backs on him
as soon as he became a Goth.

He obviously hasn't told you
about the funeral.

I think that you should ask him
about the funeral.

Hello Denholm.

Hi Jen.
I'm just enjoying this cup of tea.

Brilliant!

How you doing Jen?

Yeah. Just to say...

I met Richmond.

I see.

It's not for me to say Denholm, but

it sounds like you two
had a good relationship at one point.

You should speak to him.

I'll thank you to keep out of this Jen.

- Goths are people to.
- Enough!

There's absolutely no point to anything.

You're right, no point, it's all futile,
can't even find my cup.

Try to look on the bright side.

Ah! The bright side!

Sometimes, you just think

what would actually change
if I just k*lled myself.

You're right.

I could just k*ll myself.

And it'd be so easy, wouldn't it?

So very, very easy.

Richmond!

Get back to your room!

What's the point of sending him
back to him room,

what's the point of anything?

Come on, get brush! Come on!

But she said I could come out.

Well you can't come out.
You're bringing everyone down.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, he is!

- Come on!
- Thank you.

Okay well then, tell her,

why they sent you down here.
Tell her what you did.

I didn't do anything,
I don't know why I'm down here.

So Denholm just amorted you
for nothing, did he?

No, he changed.

After his father died.
I don't think he ever fully recovered.

From the moment I saw him
at the funeral,

I could tell there was something
different.

Bloody good of you to come, thanks.

Thanks.

Bloody good service, wasn't it? Yeah?

- Thank you.
- Watch your bloody hand!

I'm so sorry.

Here.

It's Cradle of Filth.

It got me through
some pretty bleak times.

Try track 4, Coffin Fodder.

It sounds horrible,
but it's actually quite beautiful.

Relationship manager.

Yes. Yes of course.

First thing tomorrow.

That was Denholm.

He wants to see you.

What is it?!

I can't believe you want me back.

You've got Jen to thank for that.

Her words the other day,
moved me deeply.

Very deeply indeed.

Really? What did she say?

Like I remember!

Point is: it's the effect of her words
that's important.

I now know that treating someone
differently

just because of the colour
of their skin is wrong.

I don't see why things can't get back
to the way they were.

I just don't know what to say.

You're back with the big guys Richmond!

Great!

That's if you're prepared
to take me on again.

You know how demanding I am.

Stop it.

You know how changeable I can be.

Yes Mr. Denholm.

Call me Denholm!

All right, thanks Denholm.

No no. I don't like that.
Don't do it again.

All right, sorry.

In fact, I've changed my mind
about the whole thing.

What? You mean I have to stay down here?

Yes!

And leave me alone you goblin!

Oh well. I suppose it's not quite so bad

now that I don't have
to stay in that room.

Yes, yes.

Well, we're happy to have you.

My milky lens has popped out.

Don't step on it.

You've got... to help me find it.

Oh, actually,
I think it's just popped round the back.

It does that sometimes.

Come on.

Come on. Come on fellow.

Come on.

There.

How about that then?

That looks great!

Told you it was a window.

Bloody lens.

I'd... really ought to...

Actually, I'm gonna...

Thank God.

At least, everything is back to normal.

As long as no one goes through
that door.