01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

SIRENS WAIL, TENSE MUSIC BUILDS

This programme contains
some strong language

Good afternoon, Madam.

Yeah, stay street-smart.
Stay street-smart.

Stop!

Stop!

Stay street-smart.

Stay street-smart.

sh*t.

Oi!

It's kicking off.
Pretend we can't see.

Arrest him! Police!

Arrest him! Damn it. A thief!

Ah, awkward.

We actually can't. Huh?

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, that's really awkward.

I'm so sorry. We're PCSOs. We
don't have the power of arrest.

Rest assured, though, we
will inform a police officer.

He's halfway down
the street now.

I could inform a police officer!

I mean, if you wouldn't mind,
that'd be helpful because,

you know, busy. Oh,
hey. Stay street-smart.

Thank you.

What do you guys actually do?

Oh, we are rebuilding
the relationship

between the community
and the police.

Hence Police Community
Support Officer.

Oh, was that the plan,
yeah, when you left school?

You dickheads!

Whatever. Didn't
hurt. Don't care.

Oh, sir? Sorry, erm...

Kay... On a scale of
one to ten... Kay?

..how would you rate your
experience... Read the room, mate.

Dom, we need to do the survey.

How would you rate your experience
with the Met Police today?

He's gone.

Oh.

I'll just put that
down as a seven.

Right, so these are my
two operatives, are they?

These are the two officers
that can infiltrate the g*ng?

Jen and Simon are two of the
finest, the most highly trained

undercover officers
we have, sir.

Sure. And, you know, no offence,

guys, but take a
look at the g*ng.

What's your point, Clinton?

The g*ng's black, Dave.

Really?

Oh, yes. So they are.

Yes. Terribly sorry
about that, sir.

I don't actually see colour.

I do a fairly decent patois,
if you're interested.

Ooh... No, thank you.

I sometimes do it at parties.
I phoned up LBC once, didn't I?

He did! Pretended
to be Levi Roots.

Please stop talking.

Inspector, you asked for two
undercover police officers.

We provided two undercover
police officers.

The only place they can
go undercover is B&Q

on a bank holiday Monday.

Well, that's all you're getting.

It's almost as if the Met want
this investigation to fail.

How difficult can it be to
find two young black officers

who are up to the task?

Ah! Another great day supporting
our officers and being a visible

presence in the
community. Shut up, Kay.

You know how I like to kick back and
shake off the cares of a busy day?

I'm not coming to your church.

Yes? Can I help you?

Ah, no.

This is a restricted area.

Can I ask what
you're doing here?

I've worked here for four years.

That's me.

Right.

Yes. Good.

Well, carry on.

You should be wearing
your lanyards.

But, erm, I'll let
it go this time.

Go on.

Can you believe that b*tch?

To be fair, we should be wearing our
lanyards. It's not about lanyards.

What were his exact words?

He said, "It's almost as if the Met
wants this investigation to fail."

Wants the investigation to fail?

Presumably it amounts
to insubordination.

Well, if it's not insubordination,
it's skirting dangerously close.

Absolutely, ma'am.

All right.

Love to Peter.

SIGHS

Dominique? Yep?

Detective Inspector
Clinton Blair.

You might have see me
around the station.

Mm... Maybe.

I want to talk to
you about a job.

But not here, though.

Meet me tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saturday!

I know. Meet me
tomorrow, one o'clock,

Giuseppe's on Mare Street.

Ah... Right.

Right, yeah, this is a weak-arse
attempt to try and get me on a date.

I'm not interested.

I mean, you are hot in a
kind of budget Idris way,

but I don't do beards. Sorry.

It's not a date.

I'm not physically
attracted to you.

So just another brother
who don't date black women?

Shame.

Shame on you.

I only ever date black women.

Yeah, well... that ain't
going to happen this time.

You can buy me lunch, but,
yeah, that's about it.

I'm not buying you lunch and
nothing's going to happen.

Meet me tomorrow. Tell no-one.

You want this.

Oh, f*ck!

Why are you here?

Come.

This is cool, isn't it?

Look, if this is about handing out
leaflets or anything to do with

dog sh*t bins, I'm
not interested.

This isn't about dog sh*t bins.

I want to talk to you about
an undercover mission.

I need two officers to
infiltrate a g*ng dealing drugs

on Brightmarsh Estate.
We'll do it. Hang on.

You need two drug dealers,
so "get the black people"?

The Brightmarsh g*ng is black.

The Met keeps sending me
middle-aged white guys.

I need two young black officers
to go places where... Yeah,

I hate to break it to you,
Clinton, but we ain't street.

Yeah, I'm gathering that.

Look, my dad's a paediatrician,
and this one runs a prayer group.

Wednesday nights. All welcome.

Look, I'll guide you
through the whole thing.

We'll do it. Hey, will you stop
just saying, "We'll do it"?

This sounds dangerous.

It is.

All right.

So what's in it for us?

Yeah. Let's talk terms, Clinton.

You both get service
medals. We'll do it. Kay!

You get to do real police work.

DOM SCOFFS Not interested.

What?

Look, Clinton, I'm in this
game for the free Tube travel,

parking in disabled bays
and 10% off at Cineworld.

I've got 30 years to retirement.
That can go by like that.

I thought that was going
to have a bigger impact.

Look, use your middle finger.

Why would I use my middle
finger? That's dumb! Shut up.

All right. Each
their own. LOUD CLICK

How did you...

Look, my point is, when
I say I'm not interested,

I'm not interested.

Yes, you are.

You don't know me.

Yes, I do.

You've got a first class
degree in Criminology

from the University
of Middlesex.

In your first year on the job, you
applied for a promotion three times.

You were rejected three times.

That's when the infractions
started creeping in.

t*rd, unexplained
absences, incorrect uniform.

You got lazy.

You gave up.

But you're clever. You're good.

You're police.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity, Dom,

and, yes, you do want it.

What's the pay?

Better than a PCSO.

Also I do want the medal. Yes!

All right.

Now, listen.

Here's the thing.

This mission...

..it doesn't exist. What?

No, I mean, we're doing
it, but it's off the books.

The only people who know about
it, the only people who will ever

know about it, are
sat around this table.

AROUND the table.

That was so cool.

So will we, like, take on new
identities when we go undercover?

No, too risky.

Better to make the
truth your cover story.

What, that we're police?

That you were police.

You're going to need to
get yourself fired. Fired?

What, like, fired for real?

As soon as this is all over,
I'll bring you both back -

as part of my team, not PCSOs.

So, yes, fired for real.

But... how are we
meant to do that?

Use your imagination.

SIREN WAILS

TYRES SCREECH

Woo!

Aargh! Stop, stop!

You're going too fast!

This is f*cking brilliant!

KAY SCREAMS

Have either of you heard
a word I've said about

the way you have brought
the service into disrepute?

Never, ever, in my
twenty... Thirty...

..37 years in this
service have I ever...

You are f*cking kidding me.

Not at all, madam.

Not at all.

Cheers, all.

Sir?

Want one?

OK, stage two.

You're going to steal
drugs from police custody.

What?! Rob the police? Correct.

Then you're going to sell
it on the estate to get

the g*ng's attention.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fired black officers nick
drugs and then turn to dealing?

Can we please just talk about
the negative stereotypes here?

Dom, you're infiltrating a g*ng.

Yes, we're dealing in
negative stereotypes.

OK, OK, what about this?

We formed a street
theatre troupe

doing impromptu performances

on the Brightmarsh Estate.

This is how it's going to work.

When seized drugs have served
their purpose as evidence,

they're incinerated.

The police have an arrangement
with the local hospital.

Officers phone ahead, schedule
a time to sign over the drugs

for incineration
by hospital staff.

That's the weak point.

This all sounds
very, very risky.

Listen, I'm protected,

so you're protected.

Trust me.

I can intercept the
call from the station,

find out where they're going.

I'll create a delay.

Then I'll go to the hospital
at the specified time,

and sign over a fake
package for incineration.

Then you'll meet the officers
and intercept the drugs.

Yes, good day, sir.

Walk normally. I am
walking normally!

That's not normal!

Ah. Incineration staff?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Good. Cos I have a whole load
of soiled bedding here for you.

Oh, oh... It's a
real mix and match.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh... THEY GAG

Why do you never use
the hand-sanitiser?

Because we're fleeing
a crime scene!

But I touched poo!

Ahh!

Don't ask.

This all seems like a lot of trouble
to go to for a few drug arrests

on an estate.

I'm right, aren't I?

You'll be told what you need to
know when you need to know it.

ENGINE STARTS

OK, guys, you...

Put this on.

Oh, nice, nice.
Wear it backwards?

Don't. Too cool?

Yeah.

You got the product?

Yeah.

Here's your takings.

Remember everything
we went through.

I'll park up where
I can see you.

If things get
hairy, I'll step in.

You've got this.

I'll do the selling
and the talking.

OK? Fine. Thank you.

Because I have blatantly got
the best seller's credentials.

I worked at Footlocker.

Well, I did door-to-door sales.

You were handing out Bibles.

Working for the
biggest boss there is.

Just... Thank you
very much... walk.

Stand here. I know
what I'm talking about.

Just stand. Be normal.

And stop talking.

Not like th... Sh, sh, sh!

Did you see that?

I just cruised onto the kerb.

Well done. Good for you. OK.

It's TJ, by the way.

You might've heard of me.

Ah, can't say that I have, no.

Well, I'm pretty
well-known on this estate.

So if anyone gives
you any S-H-A-T,

you can tell them you know me.

OK, will do. Thanks.

What you doin'?

Oh, we're just... We're just
hanging out, you know? Yeah.

Just, you know, just chillin'. You
know, just... Just chillin' out.

You're selling
drugs, aren't you?

Well, we're not doing it
with you standing here,

so if you could
just... get to going

because if the police come
you're going to get arrested.

The police don't arrest
dealers on Brightmarsh.

OK. Bye, child.

Bye, TJ.

Oh, we've got one.

Get... Hey, hi.

What you in the market for?

Some weed, some Charlie, some...

No, we've only got heroin.

Oh, we've only got heroin, but
you look like you'll be fine

with that, so...
yeah. Money first.

Yeah. Good. Money first.

Thank you. That's...

Yeah. Hmm... There you go.

Right. Hmm?

What? Oh, yeah, drugs.
DOM LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Cos you needed the drugs.
That's what you paid... OK.

So here's your five, your six and
your ten. Thank you very much.

Take care.

"Take care"?

Well, it's good customer
service. He'll come back.

He'll come back because he's
addicted to heroin. Sure.

But you know Nero does
them little cards...

Go stand over there. Oh, OK.
Cos that's how they do it.

No, because I want you to
stand over there. Sure.

No, that's smart.

Stop walking like you've
got a bowel impact!

I...

I'll... I'm going
to pray for you.

Just go.

Yo.

You have Big H, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Here you go. Take that,
and then I'll take that.

Thank you very much.

Take care. Bye-bye.

There you go.

Ah, Dom? Yeah?

Those guys look very interested
in what we're doing right now.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. This is
it, this is it, this is it.

Game face. Smile. Smi...
No, no, no. Frown.

Look gangster.

Here we go.

Like... Like you're a gangster.

Like, act tough.

Hey, yo, yo, yo, boss man, you
best move your car, you know.

It's residents only.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute.

No, come on, boss man.

KAY SIGHS AWKWARDLY

KAY SIGHS AWKWARDLY AND BABBLES

Yeah, oh...

How you doing, lads?

We're just doing a
spot of drug dealing.

Oh, my goodness. We're
not on your patch, are we?

I told you they were called
patches. Shut up, you dickhead.

Yeah, I am. Yeah.

Take off your bag.

What? Give me the
f*cking bag, man.

What? OK. OK.

I just... I just
got my nails done.

So just give me the ticket.

Listen, brother, I'm just
trying to help you out.

You move your car, I don't
have to give you a ticket.

Just give me the ticket,
will you? Oh, is it?

Break them. KAY
LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Apologies for the
c*ck-up. Pardon my French.

Haw-haw-haw! g*n c*ck

Come round the corner.

Do we have to? Come round
the f*cking corner, man.

Yeah. Which corner, though?

Shut up. Because
there's quite a few.

I'm just saying that
there's quite a few corners.

Look, I'm police.

Now go.

sh*t, man. The ticket's
in the system now.

I don't give a sh*t
about the ticket.

Let me see what
I can do for you.

I never do this.

f*ck off.

Put your hand out.

Oh, please. Put your hand out!

No, please don't sh**t my hand.
I play keys in the church band.

Man, shut up.

Who do you work for? No-one.

Do not f*ck with me.

Where did you get
your food from?

We... we stole it
from... from the police.

How did you two badman
steal from the police?

OK... Ahem.

..here's the thing -

we used to be in the police.

Yo, they're feds. Drop
them! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We used to be in the police!
We USED to be in the police!

Like PCSOs. What,
the sh*t police?

OK, that's a bit rude, but,
yeah, and then we got fired.

Why?

Let's just say the
force did not agree

with our extracurricular
activities.

I showed my bum bum
to some pensioners.

So we decided to take
that lot from evidence

on our way out and pay
ourselves a little redundancy.

We don't have a supplier,
we don't work for anyone.

We just wanted to sell that
lot and split the money. Ahem.

How long you been out here
for? Just this afternoon,

a few hours. Plus wee breaks.

We've been going to Burger
King cos she needs to sit down.

Who's asking you to talk about my pee
breaks? You need to sit down to go toilet.

It's a lot easier
for me to go toilet.

I go number one standing up.
It's my personal business!

Stop talking... Shut up!

Look, here's what's
going to happen.

You're going to sell
the rest of that,

and you're going to bring
the money here. Yeah? OK.

Soapy's Laundrette?
That's clever.

Ask for a service
wash. Service wash.

Soapy's. That makes a
lot of sense. It does.

It's like, um, like, we're asking
for a Soapy's... It's all up...

..all up there in the
noggin. Can you f*ck off?

Yeah. Sure. No, no. Yeah.

Sure, no. Yeah.

Oh, Clinton! Mate!

Sir, sir, that was brilliant!

It totally worked. They
were like, "What you up to?"

And we were like, "What?" And they
were like, "Show me your hand."

And I was like, "No, no, that's
not..." That was dangerous!

We've been out there all
day touching junkies.

They pulled a g*n on us. Yeah?

You said you would step
in if things got hairy.

I would have.

They pulled a g*n on us!

I would have stepped in if
I thought I'd seen something

that you couldn't handle.
So, what did they say?

Sell the rest of the gear and
bring them the cash tomorrow.

Perfect. So, go back out there
tomorrow and sell what you can.

I'll take what you can't shift
to make up the shortfall.

Nice work, officers.

Ahem.

We would like a
service wash, please.

MUSIC PLAYS

Just...

Just go. Go.

Ahem.

You're early.

I wasn't expecting
you till tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you
know, we sold it all.

Sorry.

Run along.

Nah, nah, nah, wait.

Give them another pack.

Do it.

You lot need a job,

this is a growing operation.

That's yours now, yeah?

You owe us a grand in a week.

OK. Cool.

Dismissed. Yeah. Thank you.

OK, well, have a good
drug-dealing day.

Do you trust them, fam?

I asked around, and
their story checks out.

Kamal was in the Air Cadets.

Everyone's on a journey, innit?

Wash your hands.

Oh, my God. I need a towel.

Mm-hm.

For all that is secret will
eventually be brought into the open,

and everything that is concealed
will be brought to light

and made known to all.

Just, um...

Just going to my room to sleep!

Hi, by the way!

Nice.

Very nice.

You lot are doing good.

We're upping your part.

WOMAN SPEAKS ON TV

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Come to your door.

Who is this?

Tevin.

Hi. h*...

How do you know where I live?

Is that a problem?
No, no, no problem.

I need you to come with me.

Er... why? You'll see.

Ah, yeah.

You know, thing is, I would...

CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY ..I
would, but I just had a wine,

a large one, and a Nytol.

I don't make a habit of it,

but, you know, sometimes
being a black woman in London,

you need something to take
the edge off. Get your coat.

OK. I'm just going to...

..go and get...

Hi.

Um, Tevin...

DOM CLEARS HER THROAT
..where we going?

Walthamstow Marshes.

Right, yeah.

That's great.

Tev, mate, can you
stick Magic on?

Shut up.

Get out.

Just it's a little high up.
I've only got little legs.

Oop, yep. Made it.

KAY LAUGHS

Three cheers for Britain's
wetlands! Ha-ha! Hip hip hoor...

KNIFE CLANGS ON FLOOR

What is that? What?

I've just seen it
fall from your sleeve.

No, it didn't. I saw it.

No, I think it's always been
there, just in that spot.

Oh, that?

DOM FAKE CHUCKLES I thought
you meant something...

No, that. That...
that is my shank.

Were you going to stab me? No.

No. To be honest with you,
Tev, this... this guy here,

he's been known to
get a little handsy.

KAY LAUGHS It's true. Yeah.

So I have taken
to carrying that.

I'm on a journey,
Tevin. I'm on a journey.

He is.

Thank you.

DOM WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

Start digging.

Oh... What? Oh.

KAY WHIMPERS

Please!

Please, I don't want to die.

I don't want to die! You
think I'm going to k*ll you?

You think I'm some sort
of psycho or something?

Nah.

Nah.

You...

I need you to bury this body.

Oh!

Yeah.

OK.

Um...

Where are you going?

It's ten to midnight.
Going home to bed.

How do we get home?

Get a f*cking Uber.

OK. Yeah.

Thank you, Tevin.

It's always a
pleasure. Drive safely.

Bye.

Look out for the
roads and stuff.

Oh!

Oh! sh*t!

That's a dead body,
Dom! Oh, my God!

That's a dead body, Dom!

Oh, my God! That's a dead body!

Oh, my God! Oh!

OK. Wait. What are you doing?

I'm calling Clinton. No, no,
no, but it's after 10.30.

That's the cut-off, isn't it?

There is no cut-off when someone's
just asked you to bury a body!

I don't know.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

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PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

THEY SCREAM