[creaking]
[electricity crackling]
[pleasant music]
[dramatic music]
Careful, Icarus.
[coin drops, machine dings]
[video game music]
["Make You Stay"
by Matthew Corbett]
[pops]
Get out the way
You've seen enough
No need to stay
You're taking up
too much room
Don't go away
Maybe I changed my mind
Tell me
what I'm supposed to say...
- To make you stay
-[engine revving]
And I know
and I know, and I know
That it's all over now
And I'll try
and I'll try and I'll find
A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A way to make you stay
[male voice]
Hyah!
Oh, oh, oh, oh
[video game score dings]
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Better stay clear of me
You know what's up
Nothing to say
You know
it'll crash and burn
I don't mean a thing I say
You know me much better now
Tell me
how I'm supposed to pray
To make you stay
And I know
and I know, and I know...
[ding]
-[tires screech]
-[Ben gasps]
Nice driving, losers.
[both panting]
[electricity crackling]
[dramatic ominous music]
-[evil laugh]
-[lightning crashes]
[upbeat rock music]
[Brian]
I'm f*cking athletic as hell.
-[Keith] Seriously, man.
-Whoops.
-[Brian] You're very athletic.
-I've seen your pecs, bro.
I don't know, dude.
People are saying that golf
isn't like a real sport,
but I was like, "What the f*ck?"
-Seriously, what the f*ck?
-[Keith] No.
[club swings, crashes]
-[cat yowls]
-Whoa!
[chuckling]
Hey, you want a couple pointers?
Oh, yes.
Sorry, I don't mean
to bother you.
Yeah. Well, that was
a left-hand drive,
so that was wrong.
-Oh.
-But don't worry,
I'm here to help you.
You see, the key to a good swing
is all in the...
[faint rock music]
-...hips.
-[chuckles]
Now, let's try again.
I want blue.
Oh, blue is too big for you.
Pink is the perfect size.
I don't want pink. Pink is dumb.
Oh, pink is so totally not dumb.
I mean, think about flamingos.
They're pink.
They're pretty cool.
You seem like a flamingo
kind of guy to me.
No? Not an animal guy?
My grandma says it's pathetic
you work at a mini golf course.
Your grandma said that?
Wait, who's your grandma?
Does she know me?
-[cash register dings]
-One, two, 3.50
is your change.
No refunds on lost ba*ls.
Oh, also, don't make eye contact
with the squirrel statue
on hole five.
People say it's haunted.
[evil laughter]
Oh, how interesting.
Okay.
Thank you so much, sweetie.
Ma'am, I'm flattered
by your obvious flirting,
but you should know
I only have eyes for one girl,
and she is not you.
What is it like
being in your twenties
and still having your mom
plan out your outfit?
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, you know,
what's it like
not being eligible
for the pizza raffle anymore?
Did you think about that?
Ow! Son of a bi... scuit.
-[woman] What happened?
-He called me a flamingo.
I did not.
-What is your name?
-Uh, that's Ben, and I'm Dylan.
Let us know
if you need anything else.
Uh, besides romance.
Like I said, uh, not interested.
Yeah, no, your manager's
going to hear about this.
Well, hey, you're in luck.
This is the future manager
right here,
so we'll take
all your positive feedback
whenever you're ready.
[Ben sighs]
-Ooh, yeah. Well done.
-Ooh, that--
Yeah, that was really good.
-That was really good. Yeah.
-That felt really good.
-It felt really good
from here too.
-[chuckles]
-All right, let's do this again.
Ready?
-Okay.
-Hey, what's wrong man?
-She's not going
to give positive feedback.
-She's pissed.
-Oh, well,
I did break her heart,
so that makes sense.
Why can't we get
that kind of respect?
[scoffs] Right.
Yeah, like she's impressed.
-[chuckling] You're so amazing.
-[chuckles]
She's just saying that.
I respect you so much.
-Dude, you're gonna get the job.
You're like Mr. Putt-Putt.
-[sighs]
-Mini golf.
-Why are you so crazy
about that?
-Everyone calls it putt-putt.
-It's in the sign.
Well, I mean,
technically, that says--
You ever wish
your life had ended up,
I don't know, differently?
You mean,
like if we were ninjas?
-Professional wrestlers?
-No, not like...
Well, kinda. I mean,
without the ninja part.
-So, professional wrestlers.
-No, no.
I mean, like college, girls.
You know, like them.
-Uh, [chuckles] no.
-[sighs]
Our lives are sweet, dude.
Ten years from now,
they're gonna have
some big, successful career,
giant houses,
beautiful families.
But what are they going to talk
about when they see each other?
All the fun, stupid stuff
they did when they were young.
When they're sitting back,
wishing they could go back
and relive the glory days,
we're gonna
be right here, together,
living the exact same
amazingly awesome life
we're living right now.
Yeah, I guess.
Come on, man.
What could be better than this?
Ow! Mother--
-[boy] Losers.
-[Dylan scoffing] What?
-[whooshing]
-[Dougie] Mm-hm.
You dare approach a holy knight
on the sacred land
of his father
and his fathers before him?
[exhales] Foul demon,
-you truly are as foolish
as you look.
-[golf club whacking ball]
For I am Dougie
of the House of Harris,
and I shall not be bested
by the likes of you!
[mimics machine g*n
c*ck and firing]
[screaming]
[mimics machine g*n
c*ck and firing]
[screaming]
Hey, Dougie.
Hey.
[thuds]
-Oh.
-Oh.
-[both laugh]
-Oh, nice.
Fore.
You fought bravely,
good sir knight.
-[Dougie groans]
-[laughs]
[upbeat music]
Two Fudgy Penguins.
Have a brr-illiant day.
Welcome to the Arctic Circle,
where the only thing
colder than...
-Oh.
-Hey, Jenny.
-Dylan. Ben.
-Hey.
Uh, three twists,
with yours in a kiddie cup?
I love that you know my order.
Yeah, well,
you come here every day, so...
[chuckles] Oh, you.
[Ben]
Um, I'll take sprinkles.
-It's been a rough day.
-Uh, hey, buddy,
this round's on me.
I... can afford it.
[Dylan chuckles]
Did you see her smile at me?
-Uh, yeah. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
There you go.
-[Ben] Thank you.
-Three twists. And there.
Uh, hey, any time,
free putt-putt. On me.
-I know.
-Any time.
-Next.
-[grunts]
-Free putt-putt.
-Next!
I think I'm making
some real progress.
Yeah. I mean,
she didn't slam your fingers
in the window this time.
[scoffs] Come on, man,
that only happened thrice.
Ready for a Mega Comets rematch?
Oh. Hey, I call dibs
on red controller.
Blue controller
is definitely busted.
Oh, dude, you're just
so mad that you keep losing.
[chuckles] You know,
Lenny told me they got
a bunch of new games,
including Gothic Slayers 4!
-No way!
-No way!
-[laughs]
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh, dang,
are those your karate khakis?
-Yeah.
[Dylan sighs, sputters]
[lightning crashes]
Did it start raining?
Who are they?
[eerie music]
Have they been staring at us
this whole time?
[Dougie]
I don't know.
[Ben chuckles awkwardly]
-Let's get the f*ck out of here.
-Not before you fix that stain.
-You don't want it to set
while we're driving.
-Oh. Okay.
[Dylan chuckles nervously]
[lightning crashes]
[foreboding music]
Stain's gone. Go, go, go!
[Dylan]
Arcade, here we come.
[Ben]
Oh, good. It stopped raining.
-Truck.
-[cart tires screech]
Cones. Child.
-[kid] Losers.
-[Ben] Step on it.
I want to get there
before the middle school
lets out.
[Dylan]
Say no more.
[Ben]
Oh, no!
[all screaming]
[Dylan]
Perfect.
[upbeat music]
[game announcer reading]
-[game sounds]
-[game characters groaning]
Uh, rumor has it
we're getting a pool.
-What? A pool?
-Yep. Mm-hm.
-Where would it even go?
-Uh, at the bottom of the range.
Everyone swimming
would be given helmets.
[game announcer]
Garlic smash.
-Who said this?
-Keith.
-[both] Keith?
-I, I like Keith.
You can't trust a word
Keith says.
Remember that time
he said they were getting
a laser tag course
with real lasers?
-[laughter]
-Oh, sh*t,
that would be f*cking tight.
Apparently, the creators
of Gothic Slayers,
they spent about six months
studying hemodynamics
just to make the game
as authentic as possible.
Oh, that's the study
of blood flow.
-That's cool, Derek.
-Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Hey, have you
checked out the new prizes yet?
We got a shipment
of new bouncy ba*ls,
and they bounce really high.
Oh, no, no. I missed the heart.
Save me. Save me.
Hold on. Got one on my left.
-[game sounds]
-[characters groaning]
[game announcer]
Player one mauled by Gothic
horrors. Join them in hell.
-Sweet. I'm up.
-[game announcer] Continue .
Welcome back.
Double stake. Combo.
[Dougie]
Oh.
Oh, my God.
-Guess who just walked in.
-Jenny?
-sh*t. They saw us. Pretend
like you didn't see them.
-[Dougie] Uh...
[ominous music]
-Dougie.
-I panicked.
f*cking piece of sh*t. Damn it!
[Derek groans]
-Hi, there.
-We saw you outside our house.
You know what? Yeah.
[laughs] Yeah, that was me.
And that was you.
Oh, my gosh, small world.
[laughs]
We just moved here.
Well, howdy-h* there, neighbor.
[chuckles]
Very cool house, by the way.
Mm. Very macabre.
[laughs] Uh, I am Dougie.
-This here is Ben and Dylan.
-[both] Hey, what's up?
-What are you playing?
-Uh, Gothic Slayers 4 .
It's this game
where you go around
k*lling these Gothic freaks.
[chuckles]
Not that we have a problem
with Goths or anything.
-No, we think Goths are cool.
-[Chloe] Mm.
[game announcer]
Beware of the Goth chicks!
-[game sounds]
-[character screams]
[game announcer]
High five.
Pfft. [laughs] Silly machine.
[Rebecca]
Strong.
-Aren't you?
-[chuckles nervously]
I mean, I have,
I have big bones,
but it's like a medical thing.
[chuckles]
[chuckles] Durable skin.
Thank you.
Would you like
to take a walk with us?
Oh. Uh...
Uh, uh, sure. Yeah.
[laughs] Hey, guys, I'm gonna
go on a walk. Oh. I guess.
-Do your thing, man.
-Uh, nachos.
-Oh. Uh...
-Oh, sh*t. [groans]
[screaming in game]
[Ben sighs]
You know, apparently,
the creators of Gothic Slayers
spent about nine months
on a fisherman's boat
on the Black Sea
learning about knot theories.
Cool, Derek. [sighs]
[game announcer reading]
Enter more quarters
or we will all die.
-Hey, where's Dougie?
-Getting us nachos, right?
-[Ben] I don't see him.
-[game announcer counting down]
-Oh, sh*t.
-Oh, sh*t.
-Dude.
-[game announcer]
...five, four, three, two...
-Ah.
-Back to Gothic Slayers,
part four.
[engine turns over]
[upbeat music fast-forwarding]
[pleasant music]
Dude, how long are we going
to stay on this hole?
I'll get it. I'm getting closer.
-Hey, putt putt pervs.
-[laughs] Putt putt pervs.
Uh, Ben actually prefers
if you call it "mini golf."
-How are things at the MILF hut?
-What do you want, Brian?
You bogeys need to go
collect the golf ba*ls
at the driving range.
-What? It's not our job.
-Uh.
Well, Sir dork-a-lot Doogie
didn't show up for work today.
Uh, it's actually pronounced
"Sir dork-a-lot Dougie,"
[scoffs] so...
Wait. He didn't show up
for work today?
Oh, I'm sorry,
he wasn't speaking Elf,
so you must not
have understood him.
It's Elvish, not Elf.
[scoffs] Ignoramus.
Let's do it this way.
No nerds over there,
two nerds here,
so nerds here need to go
pick up ba*ls over there.
-Botuu.
-[ding]
What did you just say?
Did he just hit on me?
-[male voice yelling]
-[Brian grunts]
Stop.
-I'll play you for it.
-Huh.
-Loser collects the ba*ls.
-Uh, Ben.
-Which hole?
-Why not right here?
[chuckling]
Okay, I'm just gonna have
a quick sidebar
with my partner here,
so excuse us.
[chuckles]
Uh, dude, I say this with love.
-You suck big time.
-I'm getting closer.
You couldn't par a hole
if our lives depended on it.
Hey, are you guys done
touching tips?
[Keith laughs]
If you lose, I might not make it
in time to see Jenny.
I wouldn't let that happen.
You trust me?
Yeah, of course.
Are you guys done touching tips?
-[Dylan] We heard you
the first time, Brian.
-Hm.
Closest to the hole wins?
[Keith snickers]
-[blows]
-[chiming]
[video game sound]
Hm.
[suspenseful music]
[inhales]
Be the ball.
Be the ball.
[grand music]
[music distorts, stops]
-[Ben sighs]
-[Brian and Keith laughing]
-Jukkete.
-[ding]
-[Brian laughs]
-[Keith] Putt-putt pervs.
Thanks again, putt-putt f*ck.
[gasps] Oh.
Looks like you missed a few.
[Brian and Keith laugh]
[Brian]
Oh, Ben.
I fished this out for you.
-Thought you might need
your lucky ball.
-[Keith chuckles]
-[Keith] Lucky.
-[laughing]
[honking]
[Ben]
Do you want to maybe
swing by Dougie's tonight
-to check on him?
-Oh, she's still here.
Dude, screw Dougie.
He owes us
for covering him tonight.
I'm talking
paying for every game
next arcade night.
[upbeat music]
-Hey, Jenny.
-[sighs]
I thought I lucked out.
Uh, you actually lucked in.
Hey, you haven't seen
Dougie today, have you?
I have no idea who that is.
Good one.
Just two twists tonight.
Babe.
-Yeah?
-Two twists.
Cool.
[chuckling] You're named Babe?
-What is that, French?
-[Jenny] No.
His name is Cody.
He just started today.
He's my boyfriend.
Wait. I, I'm confused.
Is he French or not?
-Oh.
-[Cody] Let me guess.
Dylan. [laughs] Hey.
Hey, man,
it is great to meet you.
Oh. All right, look out.
What type of cone can I get you?
-Uh, he likes the kiddie cup.
-Uh, waffle cone.
Are you sure?
[crickets chirping]
That's a lot of cone.
[Dylan]
I can handle my cone.
[indistinct chatter]
Dougie?
[suspenseful music]
[ominous music]
-That's a lot of cone.
That's a big jump.
-You're a lot of cone.
-[chuckling] This guy is great.
-I can do it.
-[Jenny] Just get him the cone.
-[Cody stuttering] I can't be
liable for a tummy ache.
Hey, buddy,
don't worry about my tummy.
I've got a tough tummy.
A damn tough tummy.
[suspenseful music]
-[tires screech]
-[car door shuts]
[car door shuts]
[eerie music]
[gasps]
-[grunts]
-[Cody] Hey, I take that
as a compliment. You--
Well, then you're wel--
-[Dylan] My twist.
-Our friend was just kidnapped
-and all you're thinking about
is ice cream?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
He was just standing there
all creepy-like,
and then they just grabbed him.
-Who grabbed who?
-You didn't see any of that?
I saw my life crumble around me
when Jenny called
that guy "Babe."
No. [sighs]
The Goth family from yesterday,
they drove their van up,
grabbed Dougie
and threw him in the back.
Oh, just because
he's hanging out with them,
doesn't mean he was kidnapped.
-No, no, no. You didn't see it.
-Was he in handcuffs?
-No.
-Did you scream for help?
-No.
-Do you think
Jenny's boyfriend's
-more attractive than me?
-No.
-Wait. What?
-Look, nothing's going on there,
with Dougie or with Jenny
and that French guy.
-[sighs] Maybe you're right.
-Probably just too much
Gothic Slayers last night.
-[both chuckle]
-Yeah, probably.
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Thinking what I'm thinking?
[upbeat rock music]
-Dude.
-[voice belches]
[crickets chirping]
[faint slow rock music]
Man, Derek wasn't kidding.
These bouncy ba*ls do go high.
[boings]
Do you really think
I'll get the manager position?
Dude. [scoffs]
100%.
I mean, who else would get it?
Nana always tells me,
"If you really want something,
it'll find its way to you."
Yeah, totally.
And, uh, I, I really want it,
real bad.
Are you okay?
You're not still upset you lost
to those caddie bros, are you?
[chuckles] No.
Kinda, yeah.
Not just losing to them,
but sometimes,
I don't know, I feel like
I'm kinda losing in general.
Like, I see these people
doing these great things,
and I'm just kinda stuck,
you know?
Dylan?
-Dylan?
-Totally.
Are you listening to me?
Do you see that?
[suspenseful music]
[whooshing]
Well, that was weird.
[van door opens]
Wait, that's the van.
-What van?
-The van that took Dougie.
[scoffs] That as*h*le.
-Hey, where are you going?
-Well, clearly Dougie's
new friends are having a party
out in the woods,
in the middle of the night,
and he didn't invite us.
Dylan, wait up.
[wildlife chirping]
[Ben panting]
[suspenseful music]
-Holy sh*t.
This is some weird party.
-[Eugene laughing]
[whispering] Dylan, get down.
My family.
You almost spilled my slushie.
Shut up.
I don't think this is a party.
We have been waiting
for many long years,
and now the stars are aligned.
We have been waiting in secret,
and tonight
we will step out of the shadows
and into his light.
We will begin the rite
of the sacred passing.
Bring forth the bearer of light.
[eerie music]
[Ben]
Oh, my God, Dougie.
He was kidnapped.
I told you.
Brother...
...you have carried
the light for our family
for many years honorably,
but now it is time.
[dramatic music]
[cultist gasps]
[screaming]
[crackling]
[intense music]
[swishing]
[Dylan slurps]
[muffled groaning]
Brain freeze. [muffled groaning]
[insects chirping]
[foreboding music]
[both yelling]
-[yells] Quit screwing around!
-[groans]
Come on, get in, get in, get in!
[both sobbing]
They f*cking k*lled that guy.
What the f*ck was that?
This is all too stressful, man.
I think I'm having
a panic attack.
-We gotta stay calm.
-I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
[both screaming]
-[can clatters]
-[Ben belches]
All right, that's better.
Okay, let's just
take a step back.
I get gassy when I'm anxious.
You know that.
What? I mean,
let's get on the same page.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Maybe we think we saw
something we didn't really see.
-Right.
-So, on the count of three,
let's say what we think we saw.
Okay? One, two, three.
[both] A group of hooded figures
recited a spell that made
an old man float in the air.
And then a little ball of light
came out of his chest
and was sucked into
a necklace around a guy's neck.
And then the old man
fell to the ground and vanished.
Out loud, it sounds cool,
but it was real and very scary.
-f*ck!
-Are they gonna k*ll Dougie?
I don't know,
but he was tied up,
so it doesn't seem good.
-Who are these people?
-I don't know.
It was like a cult.
A cult? You think so?
-Look it up. [breathing heavily]
-[sighs]
[typing]
All I'm getting is horses.
-You typed "colts."
-[chuckling] Oh!
Oops. [typing] Save that.
Try, I don't know,
"demonic cult"?
[typing]
[eerie music]
-[dramatic sting]
-[gasps]
Jesus, Maggie.
You guys making out
or something?
-Yes.
-No.
Mom wanted me to tell you
that you have to drive me
to my Ladybugs
camping trip tomorrow night.
Also, is Dylan staying over?
'Cause, if so, she needs
to pull out the spare sheets.
Are you guys okay? You guys are,
like, really sweaty.
Hey, Maggie,
hypothetical question.
What would you do if your,
I don't know, friend
was kidnapped by a cult?
Depends. Are we talking
Manson family, Rajneeshpuram,
or are we talking,
like, Scientology?
-How do you--
-Well, if they were kidnapped,
I'd probably start
with the cops.
[Ben grunts]
-Is that a yes
or no on the sheets?
-[police siren blares]
[police officer]
So, you're telling me
we've got an evil cult
right here in our town?
-A demonic cult. Yes.
-I know it sounds crazy--
No. No, no, no, no. [shushes]
We've actually received some
very similar reports recently.
-You have?
-Yeah.
Just yesterday,
we had reports of a vampire
and a werewolf
robbing the bank. [laughs]
Okay, first off,
they're called Lycans.
Second of all,
vampires and Lycans
are sworn enemies.
And, and third of all, it wasn't
a full moon last night.
-So, that makes no sense.
-You're not listening.
They k*lled a guy.
[coughs] Wait. Mm.
You guys witnessed a m*rder?
-Yes.
-Yes. They m*rder*d an old man.
sh*t.
[groans]
-Go on.
-Okay, so they surrounded him.
-And then this ball of light...
-Super bright light, yeah.
...started coming out of
his chest while he was floating
up into the air.
-He was like... [sputtering]
-[gibbering]
And then he just disappeared.
-[cell door slams]
-You don't understand.
We weren't talking
about demonic horses.
I mean,
it's a common misconception.
-Well, this is great.
-[sighs] Nana's gonna k*ll me.
They already k*lled one person.
What if they do that same
weird orb thing to Dougie next?
I can't believe
he didn't believe us. I mean,
we did the sound effects
and everything.
-[sighs]
-[man] I believe you.
-[gasps]
-[screams]
[both whimpering]
It sounds like
you boys need some help.
-Well, actually--
-No. Uh...
I know a man who has
dedicated his entire life
to fighting what you've seen.
Only he can help you.
And it's you.
[Dylan chuckles nervously]
What? No, no, it's not me.
-Oh, well, we thought maybe
you were getting out soon.
-[snickers]
Oh, they're never
letting me out of here.
Look.
Everything you need
is right here
on this piece of paper.
[suspenseful music]
Nope. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Thank you.
Forget that.
Let's pretend
that didn't happen.
Now, everything that you need
is on this piece of paper.
[Dylan]
Hitchens Farm?
Yes.
Wow, this is great.
Thank you so much. [chuckles]
-Well, that was lucky.
-Are you kidding me?
-This is a crazy guy's doodle.
-Oh, come on.
He's a little weird,
but he seems genuine.
-He genuinely wants
to m*rder us.
-Please.
[clears throat]
What did you boys say
your names were?
-Oh. Yeah,
it's not really important.
-[chuckles nervously]
[police officer]
Ben and Dylan, your ride's here.
Oh, don't--
No, no, no, no. Don't,
don't write that down.
No, please. Please.
It's a beautiful day
Feeling the sunshine
on my face...
I don't understand why
you used your one call on me.
Well, Nana was still asleep.
But I knew
you'd come through for me.
I did think
it would just be you, though.
Yeah, and I thought I'd be
in the front seat of my own car.
Well, if I knew
you weren't driving,
I wouldn't have called shotgun.
It's not really about
who's driving, it's my own car.
-I should be in the front seat.
-Honey pie. Honey pie.
-He did call shotgun.
-I don't mind driving.
-If you wanna come up here,
then Cody can sit in the back--
-Just-- [groans]
-Where are we dropping you?
-Hitchens Farm.
Oh, my God,
we are not following that map.
You said it yourself,
Dougie could be next.
And if there's someone
out there that could...
You must be so confused.
-Let me explain. [chuckles]
-I don't care.
Look, we should go home and tell
my parents what happened
instead of following a map
drawn by a crazy m*rder*r.
He wasn't a m*rder*r.
He just said he wished he did.
Look, if the police didn't
believe you, what makes
you think your parents will?
-Do you remember the merchant
from Gothic Slayers 2?
-Of course I do,
-but what does that--
-He was the one that gave
the map of blood to the heroes
that led them
to the lair of the dark one.
Maybe that prisoner
was our merchant.
-It's a game!
-Based on truth.
-You remember what Derek
said about knot theory.
-Derek?
-The one that flunked
fourth grade.
-Yes. Well, so did you.
-That's very different.
I had mono.
-Well, I didn't know that,
so I flunked fourth grade.
I thought we were
flunking out together--
-I appreciate it, but you
didn't have to flunk out.
-I'm just saying--
Stop the car! Just stop it.
Out. Out, out.
Out, out, out.
Out, out, out, out. Not you.
-Come on.
-Oh. [chuckles]
Hey, wish you guys
the best of luck
with your friend or whatever.
Thanks, Babe.
[engine revving]
[thunder rumbling]
[crow cawing]
-Dylan.
-[chuckling]
Come on, man, have faith.
[video game sound]
[game announcer reading]
[video game music
plays, distorts]
[both panting]
[Dylan]
Can I say something?
Perhaps this was a mistake.
[Ben]
You think?
We are fully lost, dude.
It's not my fault.
What kind of cornfield
doesn't have signs
posted for directions?
Every single one
that has ever existed.
-God, I hate corn.
-[expl*si*n]
Let's just turn around.
I've been trying
to turn us around
for the last hour.
[video game music]
Hey, sorry, Mr. Crow,
by hitting you with the corn.
It was an accident.
[crow]
f*ck you!
Did that crow just curse at me?
Let's not
escalate the situation.
[crow]
Oh, f*ck you!
f*ck me? f*ck you!
-[crow] f*ck you! f*ck you!
-Dylan!
Relax, it's just one crow.
-What's he gonna do?
-[crows] f*ck you!
What do you call
a group of crows?
A m*rder of...
Oh, sh*t.
[both screaming]
[both groaning]
Hey, found it.
[Ben grunts]
What is this place?
-Is that an original?
-It might be.
[man whistling]
[gasps, screams]
[both scream]
Who the...
-[glass clinks]
-...who the f*ck are you?
Uh, hi. We were told
we could find you here.
-We need your help.
-Who sent you?
-[video game sound]
-Whoa, dude, let's just
calm down here, please.
-Yeah, who do you work for?
-[video game sound]
-Mini... Golf... Hut.
-[grunts]
-[grunts]
-[groans]
-I have a map!
-Liar!
Show him the map!
Show him the map!
[all screaming]
[man]
I'm so sorry about before.
-I guess I just don't get
too many visitors up here.
-[Dylan grunts]
Do you have any lemonade to mix?
-Dude.
-You say that body
just... disappeared?
I know it sounds crazy,
but, yeah.
No, it's all too real.
[tense music]
Your friend wasn't the first.
I'm afraid he surely
won't be the last.
You know, the closer you come
to understanding
what these people are all about,
the more danger
your lives will be in.
It's why I've been forced
to take up residence here.
'Cause they're allergic to corn.
No, because why would
they look here?
What does a demonic cult
want with our friend?
[man]
This cult has existed
for thousands of years.
They worship Xynthelonor.
[lightning crashes]
A powerful nether demon.
As a reward for their devotion,
his followers are given powers
beyond your
wildest imaginations.
However, Xynthelonor...
[lightning crashes]
...cannot exist in our realm,
not in his real true form.
He's forced
to inhabit live vessels.
Every 30 years,
he needs to transfer
to a new, fresher body.
What you witnessed last night
was the first part
of that ceremony.
Tonight, they're gonna
complete that ritual
by siphoning the demon
into its new vessel.
Until then, Xynthelonor's soul
is housed inside an orb,
and the cult is powerless.
It's his way of making sure
they'll fulfill
their end of the bargain.
[video game music]
[crow cawing]
Boys, they're gonna cram
a demon up your friend.
-Oh, sh*t.
-How'd you find all this out?
[signal scrambling sound]
Internet.
We have one night
to save your friend
and shut this cult down
for good.
Did you just say "we"?
I've spent the last 30 years
studying 'em.
Their ways,
their beliefs, their weaknesses.
As long as we hit 'em while
they're without their powers,
and with everything
that's up here,
there's nothing
that can stop us.
-So, let's roll out.
-[Dylan chuckles]
Awesome. So, what's the plan?
We, we grab the orb
and destroy it?
[scoffs]
No, it's not that simple.
You can't
just destroy the orb.
Oh, then what do we do?
Well, there's only one way
to end this.
Listen carefully,
'cause this is important.
-You--
-[arrow swishes, thuds]
-[sinister music]
-[body thuds]
[both screaming]
[arrow swishing]
[screaming]
[snickers]
Well done.
[suspenseful music]
He will no longer be a threat.
What about the other two?
The fools?
They escaped.
[Veronica]
Curse them.
If he managed
to tell them about the orb...
Ah. We are vulnerable, yes,
but this could be just a test...
...to test
our daughters' devotion.
We won't let you down, Father.
Um, yeah,
we'll handle it, Eugene.
What? Do I really need
to call him "Father"?
-We are family, daughter.
-[sighs]
Yeah, but, like, not really.
-[gasps softly]
-Also, is it too much to ask
to be called Chloe,
at least when we're alone?
-Sister's not committed.
-Yes, I am, Rebecca.
If we are not your family,
then who?
Those people
that didn't love you?
Those people that
threw you away as a child...
...like you were disposable?
Chloe, we took you in
when you were at your lowest.
We loved you, and still do.
I'm sorry... Father.
What do you want us
to do to them?
Oh.
They need to be
taken care of permanently.
Discreetly.
You must be excited.
You finally get
your powers tonight.
You've always shown
such great promise.
[snickers] Tonight,
you will finally feel whole.
[tense music]
[Ben and Dylan panting]
[Dylan]
Oh, thank God.
We made it. [groans]
Oh dude, let's go.
-Oh, check it out. Grass angel.
-Dylan.
In the past 24 hours,
I've seen an old man evaporate,
learn that demons exist,
and witnessed someone get shot
with a freakin' crossbow.
-I think I've earned a breather.
-We're not safe out here.
[groans] We are fine, dude.
No one followed us.
It's not like anyone knows
where you live anyway.
Mom? Dad? Maggie?
There, we're inside.
Can I lie down now?
-Come on, get it off of me!
Get it off of me!
-[laughing]
Get it off me!
Get it off of me!
Ow!
[groans]
-[screaming]
-[laughing]
[rock music]
[Chloe grunting]
[gasps, coughs]
[both scream]
[screeches]
[Rebecca laughs]
[Ben grunts]
[Dylan grunting]
-Did you just hit me, b*tch?
-I'm, I'm sorry.
Please. No. No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[both scream]
She's twisting my t*tties!
Geneva Convention!
Geneva Convention!
-Dylan!
-She's twisting my n*pples!
[Dylan screaming]
[both]
Little b*tches!
[Ben and Dylan groaning]
[Elaine gasps]
What is going on here?
-Dylan, Ben,
you better explain...
-Mom, get out.
...why you never told us
you had girlfriends.
-Mrs. Ben's mom,
you've got to get out of here.
-We didn't see anything.
-Mom, they're trying to k*ll--
-La, la, la, la, la.
I don't want to know
the details.
But you two
are staying for lunch.
Mom. Dad, you don't get it.
They're trying to k*ll us.
Oh, I understand.
You don't know how many times
your mom has tried to k*ll me.
[Rebecca chuckles softly]
Your necklace is so pretty.
Are those for a sorority?
-No, uh, it's a family heirloom.
-Oh, okay.
So, where did you all meet?
-[Ben] I...
-Uh, well, uh--
-Oh, you should really take it.
-No, no, no.
-You should
really take this one.
-[gulping]
Ah.
[belches]
Uh, well, um,
we met at, uh, uh,
a supermarket.
Uh, uh, they work there.
That, that's right.
I was his cashier.
-Really? Tell me.
-[Chloe chuckles nervously]
How do you memorize
all the produce codes?
I don't know. We just... do.
-She's really great
at memorization.
-[Gary] Oh.
I'm just, I'm just okay.
No, she's being modest.
She's, she's really great.
Sweet and handsome. [chuckles]
What's a tomato?
Um, a, a vegetable?
-Uh, no, the code.
-[laughing] Oh.
-Um, five.
-Wow.
-Incredible.
-So, what do you all
have planned for today?
We're going to m*rder them.
At mini golf.
-[laughter]
-[Elaine] Oh.
[Ben laughs nervously]
The boys have been
working there for years.
But don't worry,
Ben's looking at other jobs.
-Wait, what?
-Oh, he hasn't told you?
He's been interviewing
all around town.
-You have?
-[scoffs] No.
-Uh, Dad,
can you pass the ketchup?
-Oh, sure.
Oh, don't be modest, sweetie.
He had an interview
for a receptionist job
at Edward and Edward Law
just last week.
What?
-Dude.
-Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I, I'll help you with that.
Uh, could you excuse us? Thanks.
-I, I'll help you clean that up.
-[Dylan sighs] Come on, man.
You know this is my last
good work sweater!
[Elaine]
Would anyone like
more blue drink?
[groans] Come on.
Come on, I'll give you a boost.
I don't think
this is gonna come out.
[Ben sighs]
Oh, we've gotta go.
Forget the sweater.
Some of us
still care about our job.
-[banging on door]
-[hissing]
-Get over here.
-Wait.
I'm pretty sure a
tomato's a fruit.
[grunts] Let's get you up.
-Go.
-Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
-To the left.
-My left or your left?
-It's the same left.
-Oh, right. Okay.
We have to be discreet.
If we knock the door down,
they're going to know
something's up.
Those fools? Fat chance.
Shut up. They were nice.
Listen, we gotta come up
with something else.
Okay, maybe we can
lure them out with leverage.
And pray tell,
how do you expect to do that?
Pray tell,
what century are you from?
[tense music]
[grunts] Time out, time out.
Time out, time out.
Sciatica. Sciatica. [grunts]
-Are you okay?
-Massage right there.
Right there.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Ah, so nice of you
to reappear
after sneaking off
with the girls
in the middle of lunch.
-Sorry, Mom.
-Uh, don't tell me.
-I already know.
-You do?
Look, I was young once too.
-Just remember,
foreplay is important.
-Oh, God, Mom.
Now, your father likes
to take a blow dryer
and a frozen bag of peas.
-Mom.
-Okay. Okay, okay.
-Oh. When do you think
the girls will drop Maggie off?
-What?
Well, they just stepped out
with Maggie for some girl time
before your
mini golf date later.
Don't let go of those two.
They're keepers.
[tense music]
Ben.
Ben.
Do you not like working with me?
You want to talk
about this right now?
Seriously, right now,
after my sister
was just abducted by a cult
that's probably going
to k*ll her and our best friend?
But all you're concerned about
is whether or not
I want to keep working
at our dead-end jobs
for the rest of our lives?
God forbid
I want something more for us.
-Maybe I don't want more.
-Well, good for you, Dylan.
Be king of the f*cking
Mini Golf Hut for all I care.
Sorry, dude.
No, you're right. [scoffs]
I'm sorry.
-So, what's our next move?
-We know where they live.
Yeah, but if Gothic Slayers
has taught us anything,
it's that you can't enter
the lair until you're ready.
It's time to get ready, then.
[rock music]
[ding]
[eagle screeches]
Words don't mean
a thing to me...
Let's roll out.
[mystical music]
[panting]
-[panting]
-Psst.
What are you doing?
Open the door.
I've got your six.
I got the six part.
[door slams]
[slow instrumental music]
[Dylan panting]
[clattering]
-[Dylan] This is not
what I pictured.
-[Ben] It's weird, right?
[Dylan]
Shouldn't there be,
like, bones and coffins
-all over the place?
-They're not vampires.
Yet.
-[clock cuckooing]
-Vampire!
[g*ns rattling]
[Ben clears throat]
[eerie music]
[clattering]
There's nothing here, man.
It's like no one's lived here
in 100 years.
Are you serious, man?
I told you to bring snacks.
[eerie music]
Well, after you.
[Ben sighs]
-I'm going as fast as I can.
-Keep going.
-[Ben] This is tight.
-Yes, I know. [grunts]
Would you hurry up? I get gassy
when I'm claustrophobic.
[Ben grunting]
[Dylan]
Whoa.
-Maggie? Dougie?
-Shh! Don't go screaming.
We're in the freakin' belly
of the beast here.
Sorry. You're right.
Dude.
[dramatic music]
No way.
So, this ball contains
the spirit of a demon
that's thousands of years old.
-Something like that.
-[chuckles]
-a*s-basket!
-Dude.
Come on, man,
how many chances do you get
to tell an inter-dimensional
being to f*ck off? [chuckles]
[humming]
You b*tch-a*s little b*tch.
Okay, not super creative,
but sure. [chuckles]
Girls! [echoes]
Hide!
Where?
[Veronica gasps]
Girls?
What have I told you
about keeping the fridge open?
You know your father
is looking for you.
He's preparing the vessel
for tonight.
Wait a minute.
Have those idiot boys
been taken care of?
Excellent.
Now we must prepare for
the coming of the bright Lord.
And I mustn't look
anything less than presentable.
Girls, why don't you help me
get re...
[suspenseful music]
[screams]
-[laughs] Holy sh*t, dude!
-[orb reverberating]
We just stole a demon!
Oh, my God!
-[laughs]
-Don't mess with that thing.
-Whoa, I can hear it whispering.
-For real?
-Worship me.
I am from hell. [coughs]
-Dude.
-f*ck, dude,
I almost swallowed it.
-[sighs] Can you help me
-focus on figuring out
where Maggie and Dougie are?
-Dude, Maggie's fine.
They only took her
to lure us out. It's not
like they're gonna k*ll her.
-They're not gonna k*ll her.
-Why would you say that?
Well, now it's stuck
-in my head. f*ck.
-I'm just saying
the one in real danger
right now is Dougie.
She said they were taking him
to be prepared.
Well, that could be anywhere.
Did that insignia
on her necklace
look familiar to you?
-I mean, it kind of
just looked like graffiti.
-Oh, yeah. That's it.
Yeah, it's just graffiti
that I've seen.
Oh, great, Dylan.
Well, I don't know.
Look, can we just celebrate
for, like, two seconds
that we stole the orb?
I mean, think about it.
If we have this,
we have the upper hand.
-We are in control. [groans]
-[brakes screech]
[coughs] Dude.
[slow rock music]
I'm a genius.
-[both grunt]
-Damn it.
-Must've missed the right hours.
-What? They're always open.
No, it's a 6-10. They're open
six hours a week, ten times.
That can't possibly be right.
[groans]
We've gotta find a way in there.
[Ben grunts]
-Oh. Okay. No.
-Okay. That's good. Yep.
-Your butt.
-[grunts]
-Use the head meat.
-Stop saying "head meat."
Use the skull to lift me!
Use the...
-[Dylan grunts]
-Are you okay?
Yeah. Totally stuck the landing.
[Ben]
Uh, do you see a way in?
[video game music, sounds]
Found it. I got it from here.
Ooh, loose change.
Don't mind if I do.
Man, I really need
to work out more.
Action jump.
Action slide.
Action kick.
Oh, f*ck!
[Ben]
Quit screwing around and hurry.
Action hurry.
Well, that was easy.
You've got to be kidding me.
[crow]
f*ck you!
God, these freakin' crows.
I said I was sorry.
[crow]
b*tch boy. b*tch boy.
Who's teaching you
this language?
All right,
I don't have time for this.
sh*t!
-Literally.
-[thuds]
[crashing]
[groans, coughs]
[groans]
[grunts]
[muffled grunt]
You know
you're paying for that, right?
-You're welcome.
-Where'd they go?
The backroom.
I don't know, man,
they rushed in, and I tried
to stop them, they tied me up.
-What's back there?
-I don't know, man.
I just work here.
-You look like an idiot.
-Oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah.
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
Yo. Hey, yo.
So, y'all, y'all
just gonna leave...
What a-- I swear to God.
[door creaks]
Oh, my God.
-Oh, dude.
-Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
[slow suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
[dramatic sting]
[Ben]
Dougie.
He's breathing. Come on.
He's still breathing. Come on.
[intense music]
[Ben]
Why'd you turn
your flashlight off?
[Dylan]
Why'd you turn
my flashlight off?
[Ben]
How would I have
turned your flashlight off?
[clattering]
[Eugene]
You are not the first
to resist my master.
We've encountered
many adversaries in my time,
and I have to admit
that you are
the least threatening
-that I've ever come across.
-Rude.
I implore you boys
to reconsider your position.
My order has existed
for millennia.
And you, you are merely
putt-putt employees.
It's mini golf, as*h*le.
[Eugene]
Destiny has decided
you will not win this fight.
I'm not trying
to ruin anyone's destiny.
We just want our friend back.
-Your friend is our destiny.
-[Ben breathing heavily]
[gasps, screams] Oh, my God!
Kick him! Kick him!
-[Ben] I got him! I got him!
-Kick him where it hurts!
[choking] It's me. It's me.
Power is reserved
for his most faithful servant.
You will not stop us.
[dramatic sting]
[Ben groans]
-Get up. Get up.
Let's go. Let's go.
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
Hey. Hey, so, y'all--
Hey, in some way,
this right here is r*cist.
-I'm telling you, I know it.
-[Ben sighs]
-Did you see where he went?
-No, I don't know.
Wait. Is that him?
-He's in good shape.
-Yeah.
[tires screech]
-Ben, help!
-Hush.
-We have to go after her.
-But what about--
Dylan, please!
sh*t.
I, I know a shortcut.
-They don't know when to quit.
-They've seen too much,
and who knows who they've told.
Father will have to enact
the ritual of purification
-and cleanse the entire town.
-Destroy the whole town?
I say we start with the kid!
[laughs] Oh.
[grunts]
[brakes squeal]
Ram them, sister!
End it! [laughs]
They're going to stop, right?
[Rebecca laughing]
[Rebecca]
Say goodbye
to your brother, child.
-[tires screeching]
-[crashing]
-[horn blaring]
-[electricity crackling]
[Rebecca groaning]
-[muffled] Hello?
-[Ben] Oh, uh...
You will rue the day.
[screams]
-[Ben grunts]
-Your girlfriends suck!
-We got to get somewhere safe.
-Oh, but sh*t,
they know where we live.
Don't worry,
I know just the place.
[electricity crackling]
[knocking on door]
[crickets chirping]
Jesus Christ.
You're kidding, right?
Nice place.
It's just how I pictured it.
Thanks.
Would you mind
grabbing us some waters?
[sighs]
Sure.
Who was at the door, cutie?
[laughs] Hey, guys.
-[Jenny] Um, could you grab us
some waters?
-[Cody] No problemo.
Ooh, how about some chips?
D-man, hey, you a salt and vinny
kind of guy?
-Yes.
-Huh? What's that? I didn't...
Yes. Thank you.
[laughs] I can't get enough
of this little goober.
God, this f*cking guy.
Are you guys okay?
You, um...
-You kinda look like sh*t,
and you smell.
-[Dylan chuckles]
I know. It's been
a crazy two days.
-We've been battling--
-[stammers] Babysitting.
We've been babysitting.
[chuckles] She's a wild one.
-What? No, no.
Our friend was kidna--
-kidney stoned.
Our friend has kidney stones.
It's really bad.
-He may not make it. [sighs]
-[Maggie sighs, sobs]
Well, sorry to hear that.
Um, I'm just going
to check on the waters.
-We can trust her.
-We barely know her.
[chuckling] Oh, wow.
I don't even know
how to respond to that.
Look, the less that people know,
the better.
Yeah, until they
slaughter the town.
They're not gonna
slaughter the town.
That's what they said
in the car.
They said you two knew too much,
and "Father will want
the town purified."
Everything's fine.
Cool.
Glad to hear it.
Ben.
Are you okay?
-Um, where's your bathroom?
-Down the hall.
[Dylan gulps]
Mm. It's good water.
-Uh, filtered?
-Nope.
[Dylan]
Hm.
[Ben panting]
He's gonna k*ll the whole town.
The whole town, m*rder*d.
[panting] Get it together, Ben.
It's gonna be all right. Right?
[suspenseful music]
[exhales]
[panting]
So, they were the flim-flams,
now they're the lemon treasures,
but that's
the same cookie, right?
-Essentially, yeah.
-Does the chocolate whip
come up a little higher?
-We've gotta go.
-[Cody] What?
You sit your butt
right down, Ben.
I ordered a pizza for us all.
Oh, uh, I'm lactose intolerant.
-You're not lactose intolerant--
-[whispering] She's one of them.
All righty. Well, we should
really get going.
What? No way, man.
I mean, I never thought
I'd say this,
but I think Dylan's right.
-You guys should
really stay here.
-Let go of him.
-Dude.
-What's your problem?
-It's not safe here.
-[Dylan] Relax, man.
You don't need to whisper.
I told her everything.
-You told her?
-Yeah.
[Cody]
Really wish
you hadn't done that.
-[Ben] Oh, what the f*ck?
-Crossbow.
-[Jenny] What are you doing?
-Over with them.
The cornfield. That was you.
[laughs]
[Cody]
Yes.
You can't imagine Father's joy
when he learned
that I had finally silenced
that coward.
You know,
I guess I owe you a thanks
for leading me right to him.
Move.
You really don't
have to k*ll us.
Me? No, no, no.
See, when my Lord rises tonight,
he will want to personally
dispose of the fools
who tried to ruin everything.
Dude, you suck so much.
I suck?
You know, she makes fun of you
when you're not around.
Cody, stop.
Maybe I should
just... end them now.
[screaming]
Salt and vinny in my eyes!
[groans, thuds]
[screams]
Oh, my God! [groaning]
-Come on, guys, go!
-[Ben] Come on, come on.
[Dylan]
He shot my butt.
[grunting]
He shot my butt.
[grunts] He shot my butt!
[Maggie]
Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up,
hurry up, hurry up. Hurry up.
-[Jenny] You got him?
-[Ben] Yup.
-[Dylan groaning]
-[Ben grunts]
-Holy sh*t dude,
you were really shot.
-Pull it out. Pull it out.
Our Ladybug leader said
if you get impaled
by a foreign object
-and you remove it,
you can bleed out in minutes.
-Leave it in!
-Leave it in!
-[Jenny] Shut up, he's coming.
Oh, you got a lot of nerve,
D-man! [laughs]
With my own salt and vinny too!
[thuds]
[insects chirping]
What is that?
Dylan, do you have
your backpack?
Oh, f*ck!
Hey, that's two times
I owe you now, D-man!
[laughs]
f*ck. [sighs]
-Uh, Dylan, can you stand up?
-Yeah, I think so.
Good. All right,
we gotta go after him.
Are you out of your mind?
I need to go to the hospital.
You're fine. Come on.
We can't let them win.
Win? This isn't a game, Ben.
You're the one who said
it was like Gothic Slayers.
Yeah, not anymore. We're doomed.
We wouldn't be
if you hadn't dropped
the freakin' orb out there.
-Oh, you're just gonna give up?
-Yeah. I'm gonna take
a page out of your stupid book
-and I'm gonna give up.
-What does that even mean?
You, your new law career.
You're gonna give up
on the Mini Golf Hut and on me.
Okay, first of all,
it was just one interview,
and, uh, look, they don't
even want to give me
that manager position.
Shut up!
You know, I've been thinking
about that.
There is no way, no freakin' way
they wouldn't give you that job
because you try harder
and give more shits
about that place
than anyone else.
So, if you would've applied,
they would have given it to you.
But you didn't, did you?
You didn't even apply.
Why?
'Cause I knew
if I took that job,
I'd never leave.
-I'd be there
for the rest of my life.
-You'd be there
-with your friends.
People who care about you.
-Doing what?
Doing the same thing
over and over.
Uh, playing video games,
eating ice cream.
-Playing putt-putt,
like a freaking loser.
-It's mini golf.
[sighs]
I'm out.
-Where are you going?
-Home. Nana hasn't seen me
in two days.
Dylan...
[sighs] Don't look at my butt.
[dramatic music]
[Eugene]
I have to say,
your incompetence
is very impressive.
You weren't able
to capture them either.
I was securing the vessel.
All you had to do
was k*ll two boys.
Had I known that they had
possession of the orb,
-I would have k*lled them
on the spot.
-So, why didn't you?
-Watch your tongue, child.
-Silence.
They just waltzed...
...into our sanctuary
and took our master
right underneath your nose!
Bested by two suburbanite
minimum wage dipshits!
They're not as dumb
as you think they are.
Where have you been?
[orb reverberating]
[chuckles]
You will always be
my greatest disappointment.
-Oh, my boy.
-[Cody chuckling]
[Eugene]
You've done it.
-[Cody] Are you proud of me?
-I am so proud.
-[Cody chuckling]
-Good work.
[tense music]
[Dylan groans, exhales]
[grunts] Oh, my God.
That's going to leave a mark.
That is definitely
going to leave a mark.
[groans]
[faint rock music]
-[keys jangle]
-[scoffs] Awesome.
Oh, no! Watch out!
The demonic alien zombies
are right in front of us!
Quick, go to slo-mo.
[in slow motion]
Watch out.
-Watch out.
-[g*n zaps]
[groaning]
[groans] So cold.
I can't feel my legs.
By the way, I'm dead.
You b*stards!
He was two days from retirement!
-[both laugh]
-[boy 1]
We're such good friends.
[boy 2]
We're going to be
best friends forever.
[boy 1]
You bet we are.
[faint rock music]
[insects chirping]
-[footsteps]
-[ominous music]
sh*t.
Okay, we'll be safe here.
You can relax.
But not too relaxed.
-You never know.
-[door creaks]
[screams]
Oh, hey, Craig.
[door creaks]
[exhales]
Everyone okay?
-Jenny?
-I just can't believe
I was dating
a psychopathic cult member.
Let's maybe figure out
where the cult's meeting
and then maybe later
we can dissect
your relationship
with a m*rder*r.
[sighs]
Did he ever mention
anything cult-y?
Not really.
He mainly just liked staring
deeply into each other's eyes.
Barf.
-I know.
-Great.
-So we have no ideas.
-[sighs]
You know, I've never
seen him like that before.
-Who, Cody?
-No, Dylan.
Oh, he can be a real jerk
when he wants to be.
-Okay, I wouldn't
call him a jerk.
-Oh, yeah?
Then what did you
call him to Cody?
Called him immature.
Called him obsessive. Nerdy.
That sounds right.
Okay, but he's also kind.
And, don't tell him, but, like,
funny in his own weird way.
And he's loyal to his friends.
[scoffs] Not really.
Okay, look, Ben.
I have never had a friend
care enough about me
to call me out on my sh*t
like he did for you.
-Ben's getting red.
-Oh, sh*t. Red.
Um, Cody mentioned
something about wanting
to take me somewhere once.
He called it, um, the red...
-Oh, it was, it was the red
something. The red something.
-Oh, this is great.
-Red something. Okay.
This is a great start.
-Yes. Um...
-Red--
-Something red.
-Anyone?
There's no wrong answers here.
-Mm.
-Fire truck!
-Fi--
-fi-- fire truck?
-You said there was
no wrong answers.
-Well, congrats.
You found the only one.
-Red onion!
-Two.
-Red Grove.
-[whimpers]
-I'm not trying to fight you.
-Who the hell are you?
-Ben's girlfriend.
-She's not my girlfriend.
-I'm not his girlfriend.
-What are you doing here?
-I'm trying to help you.
-Your friend is in trouble.
-Yeah, no sh*t.
-Not Dougie.
-Dylan?
They've got him
tied up at the house.
He's being prepared
as an offering for Xynthelonor.
[lightning crashes]
If you wanted to help us,
you'd tell us
where the Red Grove is.
North side of the town,
in the woods,
behind the football field.
Why are you so quick to tell us?
Because it doesn't matter
if you know where it is.
-You can't win.
-[Ben] Yes, we can.
We're going to save Dougie,
save the town,
and then maybe
we'll go save that deserter.
There's no way
you're going to save this town.
The only thing you can do
is save Dylan
and get as far away
from here as you can.
Trust me, you don't want
to cross my father.
I've already been here
for too long, so...
Why don't you stay
and help us?
I'm in too deep.
Can't turn away now, so...
What, you can't turn away
from four people?
It's not four people.
It's an army.
[Jenny]
Okay, let's go.
You know how to get
to the house?
-We're not going to that house.
-She just said
the plan was hopeless.
You know how to sew, right?
[ding]
[rock music]
-Whoa. Not cool.
-Frickin dork.
We're gonna need robes
if we're gonna blend in
with an army.
Dylan would save you.
[Ben grunting]
[game announcer reading]
-[grunts]
-All right, Maggie's done
with the robes.
-So we should
probably get going.
-Mm-hm.
[Jenny]
To face almost certain death.
[game announcer]
Game over.
[grunts] sh*t.
Thought you were good
at video games.
[Ben sighs]
I did too.
-[distant scream]
-[clatters]
[Dylan groaning]
Stop! Stop!
-Oh, you want me to stop?
-Yes. It tickles.
Oh, people always say
that they hate that part,
but I think they're lying.
-Are you done yet?
-Hey.
Did Pope Julius II
rush Michelangelo
with the Sistine Chapel?
Don't answer that.
I don't know
what you are talking about,
but if you paint my...
Shh. Hush, hush.
[shushing]
[chuckles]
-I look amazing.
-Thank you.
I was originally
a landscape artist.
-A little abstract for me,
but I'll take what I can get.
-Oh.
Ah, would you look at the time?
Look at that. Come, come,
it is time for you to die.
-[Ben] Hey.
-Ben.
-Let him go.
-Rapscallions.
-Dylan, are you okay?
-Do not speak to the offering.
-You're outnumbered
three to one.
-Oh, look who can count.
Well, I bet
you weren't counting on this.
I can take you three
with my eyes closed.
[inhales deeply]
Oh, I can smell the fear.
-What's your deal?
-He wanted to be
a landscape artist.
Quiet! I have been given
the sacred task of preparing
the offering's runes,
and I will not have it ruined.
I am the rune painter.
And that's just the last line
on a long resume.
-I've fought centaurs,
I've rode a manticore.
-[whip cracks]
Down, boy, I'm the captain.
I've crossed bridges
the trolls swore
they'd never let
anyone traverse.
I'm the reason the Cyclops
has only one eye.
I stole the wax wings
off of Icarus,
flew them into the sky
and punched the sun
in its taint.
So, the last thing
I'm ever gonna allow
-is for you three to--
-[thud]
-[body thuds]
-Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
-You okay?
-Yeah.
You know me, no big deal.
-[Jenny grunts]
-[both] Oh.
[Dylan laughs]
Um, [smacks lips] thanks.
-I, I gotta talk to you.
-No, I need to talk to you.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry. Dude, no.
I didn't mean what I said.
You're my best friend.
I'm always gonna want
to hang out with you.
I've never thought
you were a loser.
You were right,
we have no chance in hell
of beating them
and stopping Xynthelonor.
[lightning crashes]
No, dude, you were right.
This town, it's worth saving.
He's right. It's too late.
[all]
Shut it.
He doesn't have his powers yet.
That, that means
there's still time.
-That's right.
-I have the power
of imagination.
Ow.
Are we doing this?
Let's do it.
[video game sound, music]
[booing]
[rock music]
Alone on the top
of the hill
In the window her face
I see...
Whoa.
[lightning crashes]
[bird call]
[mimics bird call]
Maggie, let's practice
for the bird call badge
after we defeat the evil cult.
[bird call]
[intense music]
[indistinct chanting]
Hey, how's it going?
Good evening.
-Hello.
-Yeah, wow.
Hi. Hi.
[indistinct chanting]
-[Ben] Excuse me.
-[Dylan] Hey, how ya doing?
Good to see you.
[intense music]
[group chanting gibberish]
Oh, uh, nah, nah,
she's underage, but, uh...
Uh, and we, we feel like
we've got this cold coming on,
so we probably shouldn't,
but thank you.
Look.
-We have to get back there.
-[Ben sighs]
-Looks like a way backstage.
-[Ben] Yeah.
-Hey, Maggie, stay here.
-Okay, cool.
I'll just stay here alone with
the weird, brainwashed people.
Good call.
[Dylan breathing heavily]
-sh*t.
-What? What?
It's Cody. God.
How are we gonna get past him?
I'll distract him.
You guys find
a way around, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Jenny,
what are you doing here?
-Hey, hey, hey.
Look, I've been thinking
a lot about our relationship,
and I think I messed up.
It was fun, wasn't it?
-Well, yeah.
-[Dylan breathing heavily]
We could, um, we could
keep having fun together.
What are you,
what are you saying?
I want to join you.
Oh, Jenny,
I knew you were the one.
No, no, no, no, no.
I want you to initiate me
right here, right now.
Oh. Oh, of course.
-Drink the sacred mixture.
-[chuckles nervously] Yum.
Thank you. [slurping]
[soft chanting]
[orb reverberating]
Damn it.
[chanting continues]
Oh, sh*t!
You!
[Cody thuds]
Prick.
[chanting continues]
[eerie suspenseful music]
-[orb reverberating]
-[both chuckle softly]
[laughs] Hey, folks.
Uh, you're probably wondering
what I'm doing here.
Mm-hm. Yeah, well,
it's, uh, it's a funny story.
I'm here to be sacrificed, so...
You know what?
I think, I think I'm early.
I'm definite--
Yeah, I'm early,
so I'll come back.
I'll come back.
[intense music]
[Eugene laughs]
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Oh, you come in here
with your fake robes.
You really thought
that you could come in here
and stop us?
[laughter]
I did warn you... that destiny
was not on your side.
But now the three of you
can be the first offerings
to Xynthelonor.
[lightning crashes]
[Eugene laughing]
[lightning crashes]
[dramatic music]
[faint singing in Latin]
[chanting Latin spells]
[echoes]
[intense music]
[exhales]
[chuckles]
[in otherworldly voice]
It is done.
-Excellent work, my disciple.
-[chuckling] Thank you, sir.
How good it feels to be
in a youthful body once more.
[laughs]
Oh.
My children...
...you've brought me
back again...
...and for that,
you are rewarded.
[crackling]
-[cultists yelling]
-[whooshing]
[dramatic music]
[ice cream thuds]
[breathes deeply]
[whispering]
My children,
it appears this town is not
as safe for us as it once was.
The time has finally come.
For generations,
we have waited in the shadows,
slowly building our strength.
And now...
...it is time to show the world
just how truly powerful we are.
Let this town be the first
of many to fall
-in the name of Xynthelonor
and his children!
-[cultists yell]
Destroy the town!
[clamoring]
Well, go already.
Come along, children.
[cultists growl, clamor]
Where are my young acolytes?
Here are
your new servants, sire.
My daughters.
Oh... my children.
We are a family now.
Oh, my Devil.
It is such an honor, sire.
I am, like, your biggest fan.
And are you, like,
my biggest fan too?
Oh, uh, definitely. Of course.
Hm.
Who do we start with?
[laughs]
Wait.
Which one of you
called me an a*s-basket
while I was in the orb?
Dougie, please.
[laughs] We have a volunteer.
[grunts, groans]
-Maggie!
-Who the f*ck is that?
After her!
-[mumbles] Right.
-[Dougie]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not you.
She's just a little girl.
We have other business
to attend to.
[both]
What is she doing?
-[chuckling] Jinx.
-Dude.
Who wants to go first?
Me. Me. Me.
You.
Yes.
Close your eyes
and channel all of the energy
into your hands and...
[crackling]
...strike.
-f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
-Oh, my God.
I just want to say,
if I had to die
next to anyone,
I would want it to be you.
-You too, man.
-I was talking to Jenny.
[energy reverberating]
[poignant music]
-[groans]
-[Rebecca] Do it.
k*ll them.
[grunts] Useless.
Once I take care of them,
I'll take care of you.
Then I'll be
Father's favorite. [chuckles]
[demonic roar]
[laughing]
[laughing evilly]
[zapping]
We're dead.
We're not dead?
We're not?
What happened?
You wretched piece of...
[zaps]
-[glass shatters]
-[video game music]
sh*t.
-[ding]
-[zaps]
We have to save your sister.
They're going to k*ll her.
[Cody]
Where do you think you're going?
You chose them
over your own family?
You are not my family!
After everything we did for you?
-So be it.
-[crackling]
[yells]
[Chloe yells]
-[zapping]
-[both grunting]
-Get down!
-[Cody grunts]
-[Dylan] No!
-[Jenny gasps]
Whoa.
Jenny? How did you do that?
Did you drink from the chalice?
[Jenny]
Hm.
[Cody gasps]
-Let's kick his a*s.
-sh*t!
[all grunting]
-[Cody groaning]
-[Jenny] Hyah!
-[Cody groans, grunts]
-[birds chirping]
-[all yelling]
-[zapping]
-We've got to do something.
-I've got an idea.
A little help
from some old friends.
What are you talking about?
Crows!
Holy sh*t.
I can't believe that worked.
Brothers, we've had
our differences in the past,
but the time has come.
We must aid
in the fight against--
-Ow! God!
-They're not our bros!
They're not our bros!
[zapping, whooshing]
[dramatic music]
-[Eugene grunts]
-[Maggie gasps]
-[Eugene laughs, grunts]
-[Maggie yells]
There's nowhere else to run,
little one.
-[laughs]
-[whimpering, panting]
Give us the orb
and I'll k*ll you fast.
[bird call]
[Eugene coughing]
[dramatic music]
[mouthing]
[singing in other language]
-Who are you?
-We're the Ladybugs.
-b*tch.
-[Ladybugs yelling]
-[zapping]
-[Cody yelling]
[video game sound, music]
[Cody grunting]
-Ooh, ooh, ooh, my m*rder hand.
-[Chloe] Yup.
-[Cody yelling]
-Get him, Jenny.
-[Jenny grunts]
-[Cody yells]
-[yelling]
-[zapping]
-[Cody groaning, grunting]
-[Chloe grunting]
-[Jenny yells]
-[game announcer] KO!
[both sigh]
-Nice.
-[exhales]
-Don't do that.
-Okay, what about...
-[mimics zapping]
-No. Just, nothing.
[yells]
Jenny.
[Dylan gasps]
[discordant video game music]
[dramatic music]
[Dylan yelling]
[grunting]
[rock music]
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. [groans]
-Oh, come on!
-[metal clanging]
[both grunt]
Yes!
How can you be winning?
[whimpering]
You're just putt-putt employees!
It's mini golf.
-Ben!
-[energy whooshing]
[thuds]
[panting]
Ben.
-[groaning]
-Are you okay?
[groaning]
-Ben, I have the orb.
-[breathing heavily]
-Ben, take the orb.
-What am I supposed
to do with it?
-Save him, stupid.
-[Dougie] Because of your
continued insolence,
I'm going to rip the soul
from your pathetic body
piece by piece!
[groaning]
[Ben panting]
[dramatic music]
-[Dylan grunts]
-Prepare to feel
the wrath of Xynthelonor!
[laughing evilly]
[thuds]
[Ben breathing heavily]
I will not let you harm my Lord!
[Cody grunting]
[Eugene laughing]
Be the ball.
Be the ball. Be the ball.
[rock music]
[Eugene continues laughing]
[screaming]
-[Maggie gasps]
-[crackling]
[lightning crashes]
[Jenny groans]
[gasps] Dylan?
-Dylan?
-[grunts]
[panting] Did we win?
I'll take that as a yes.
[groans]
[Jenny panting]
-Dude!
-You did it!
We did it!
Did you think I had any chance
of getting that orb to you?
-[chuckling] No.
-[chuckles]
[Cody]
Not so fast.
[ominous music]
Now you will suffer.
[grunts]
-[grunts]
-[Maggie yelps]
[ball bouncing]
Is it a bouncy ball?
[grunts, thuds]
[Chloe gasps]
[Dougie]
Oh!
-What's happening?
-[both] Dougie!
[groaning]
My neck is k*lling me.
-Oh!
-We'll explain everything.
What, what is going on there?
Oh, she?
She helped save your life.
Oh, rad. [laughs]
Uh, but I actually meant
what's going on there?
Xynthelonor!
Why have you forsaken me?
-No, that, that I can't explain.
-[Ladybug] Get back here, b*tch!
[yells]
[up-tempo retro music]
[Jenny]
All right. There you go.
-Thank you.
-Mm-hm.
-There you go.
-Chocolate!
Chocolate. Yeah.
Aw.
-Hey.
-[chuckles] Hey.
One twist, extra small cup.
A kiddie cup?
-Shut up.
He knows what he likes.
-[object clatters]
So... last night...
Pretty intense.
I did not think
I'd make it out of there alive.
[chuckling] What?
My Nana's not that bad.
She threatened
to p*stol whip me if I hurt you.
Better not, then.
Don't worry, I won't.
You know, you and Nana actually
remind me a lot of each other.
Oh, my God. Next.
-[whooshing]
-[creaking]
Damn it.
[Brian sighs]
You're still a dork in my book.
Same time tomorrow?
Oh, you're going down,
putt-putt boy.
Hey, it's mini golf.
Dude, you beat them again?
What happened?
-I don't know,
something just clicked.
-[chuckles]
Hey, no running.
You're not the boss of me.
[tinkling music]
Oh, sorry.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-I'll take that...
-Oh.
...Mr. Manager.
[laughs]
So, how are you liking
the new job?
Great. Thanks for putting in
a good word for me.
Yeah. Yeah, no doubt.
No doubt.
-Um, I was wondering...
...if you didn't have
plans tonight, that maybe--
I'm actually going to a sance.
Oh, really? That's awesome.
No, no.
Like, I'm just f*cking with you.
-Oh.
-[laughing]
No, I don't have any plans.
Oh, cool.
Um, 'cause there was this, um,
thing that's happening,
and I was wondering if maybe--
-I'd love to.
-Really?
That's awesome. I'll, uh,
I'll, I'll pick you up.
Yeah.
-I'll, uh, see you later.
-Oh.
[both chuckle]
-Dude. Dude!
-[both laughing]
-Yes! Dude!
-Yes!
Good job, losers.
This calls for celebration.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
[voice belches]
[Ben]
Keep the change.
Well, thank ya.
Appreciate ya.
-[Dylan] Okay, double dates
every Friday night.
-[crickets chirping]
That's usually
Jenny and my movie night,
so we can rotate
who's in charge of popcorn,
drinks, candy.
Let's see how tonight goes
before we make
any long-term plans.
-Yeah?
-This is great.
-[snickers]
-I knew she'd say yes.
I'm happy for you, man.
-I'm happy for you, too.
-[both snicker]
[sighs] You know what,
I should probably get going.
-Yeah, me too.
-[sighs]
[tense music]
[whooshing]
-Did you just see--
-Nope.
[revving]
[lightning crashes]
[cawing]
Get a grip
This is it
We're around
Throw a fit, lose your sh*t
-Paint the town
-Let's go
We're the kids
you thought you fixed
By calming down
Well, we got pissed
and now we're rich
I'm the m*therf*cker
everybody in the room
is talking about
[lightning crashing]
[thud]
It is not the time
to be silent
I can't help myself
I'm the reason
you're feeling violent
I get overwhelmed
They run away from me
Yeah, they run away
Face down on a greyhound
with a bag full of drugs
They sound like the playground
yelling back of the bus
I'm in K Town
getting paid now
-Man, I don't give a f*ck
-[game character growls]
I had 99 reasons
to be givin' it up
I had 99 reasons
to be givin' it up
Make me roll the dice
Save me from the light
[tires screech]
Chase me in the night...
[intense music]
[video game sound]
[wings fluttering]
["Make You Stay"
by Matthew Corbett]
Get out the way
You've seen enough
No need to stay
You're taking up
too much room
Don't go away
Maybe I changed my mind
Tell me
what I'm supposed to say
To make you stay
And I know
and I know, and I know
That it's all over now
And I'm trying
and I'm trying to find
A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Better stay clear of me
You know what's up
Nothing to say
You know
I'll crash and burn
I don't mean a thing I say
You know me much better now
Tell me
how I'm supposed to pray
To make you stay
And I know
and I know, and I know
That it's all over now
And I'll try
and I'll try and I'll find
A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
-Oh, oh, oh, oh
-A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
And I know
and I know, and I know
That it's all over now
And I'll try
and I'll try and I'll find
A way to make you stay
-Oh, oh, oh, oh
-A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Today's a better day
I know we'll find
a better way
to make it out of here
We got it right
on the wrong night
The wrong time
but the right side but you're
Still leaving here
I've gotta find a way
A way to make you stay
A way to make you stay
A way to make you stay
-Oh, oh, oh, oh
-A way to make you stay
A way to make you stay
A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
-Oh, oh, oh, oh
-A way to make you stay
Oh, oh, oh, oh
[song fades]
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Gothic Slayers (2025)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters