03x11 - Abracadabra Alaka-Dan

[bunniefuu]

The People versus Glorivette Sinclair.

Of the Sinclair family?

You're one of the oldest
families in Manhattan.

It was your idea to put in a bridge.

That was our first mistake.

She's being charged with stealing

an umbrella from a bodega.

Judge, the defendant has millions

but can't resist her urge for more.

I get it. It's not about the stealing.

It's about the rush.

Your Honor,
my client was clearly framed.

Why would someone with everything

steal this pathetic excuse
for an umbrella?

Someone's playing a trick on me,

and I'm not going to be
a good sport about it.

Ah-choo!

Oh, no. The trick is spreading.

Ooh, Nebraska! Heck, yeah!

Now I got all 50 states.

I'll give you a hankie,

but I get 10% of what you blow out.

This isn't mine. What am I, a nun?

Oh, no. Please tell me it's not...

'Tis I, Starla the Great.

Ooh!

You like what you see, Stretch?

What am I seeing?

This is Starla, my dad's
old magician's assistant.

So, if you need anything
pointed at, it's her only skill.

Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your friends, Abracadabra?

Or is that hard to do
with an egg in your mouth?

Don't be amazed.

Please crack and a baby chick come out.

Please crack and a baby chick come out!

[LAUGHING] Oh!

I love working here!

♪

I can't stand that woman.

Every couple of years, poof!

She pops into my life like
some stupid rabbit out of a hat.

- She always needs something.
- I do know the type.

With me, it's my step-cousin, Ira.

He only reaches out when
he needs a ride to the hospital.

And I'm like, "Ira, you're a doctor.

If you can't drive yourself to work,

you should not be delivering babies."

My dad was always bailing her out.

When I was a kid, I thought
the county jail was her house,

and she just liked
dressing like her roommates.

I don't know, she seems
like she could be kind of fun.

I mean, in a campy,
salacious, melodramatic,

limited series sort of way.

Don't fall for her act.
She's all smoke and mirrors.

That's called misdirection.

That's called mediocre.

What do you want, Starla?

I just wanted to give you this.

One of my dad's old magic boxes?

Oh, I remember these
from when I was a kid.

- Where did you get this?
- I got it at a mirage sale.

It's like a garage sale,
but for magic stuff.

I would never trust a secondhand dove.

You never know where people put them.

What's the catch? I told you,

I can't be the volunteer
for the sawing-in-half bit.

My head doesn't reach
the top of the box.

- I just wanted you to have it.
- Aww.

- And I didn't get you anything.
- Aww.

Because I don't like you.

Alright, well, I'm going to hit the road

as soon as I find that baby chick.

You kept that baby chick, didn't you?

Don't look at me like that.

She imprinted on me.

You know, I've dabbled
in a little magic myself.

Observe.

Magic.

If this was olden times,

I would have burned you at the stake.

Nah, I learned some sleight-of-hand

when I was in lockup.

You know, it passes the time
while you're waiting

for your toilet wine to ferment.

- The Kleenex is in her sleeve.
- Hey, you ruined my trick.

You know, Wyatt,
you've been a real buzzkill.

Like when you told me croutons
are just stale bread.

What?

I thought they were fat crackers.

I'm not a buzzkill.

I've just seen the light.

I mean, after years of trying,

I realized when you reach for the stars,

life kicks you right in the moon.

So, from now on,
I'm living in the middle.

No highs, no lows.
Just comfortably numb.

You don't find any joy in anything?

I mean, not in a sunset
or an amazing meal or...

Or a gentle kiss in the dark
from a stranger?

Yes, yes, and yes.

No, no, and hell, no.

To see the beauty of a sunset,

you also have to see the pollution.

That amazing meal
is clogging my arteries.

And a kiss in the dark from a stranger

is just giving me herpes.

Wyatt, I can't be around
this kind of negative energy.

No, clinically speaking,
I am just hanging on by a thread

and, uh, your frownies
are dangerously close

to making it fray.

And that makes me feel nothing
because this is who I am now.

Mark my words, by the end of tonight,

I will have awakened
the flame within you

that ignites the bonfire of your soul.

Bonfire?

That sounds like some high flames.

I'm in the middle. Lukewarm for life.

This reminds me of that time

you tried to wrestle that floating Twix

from the vending machine.

You got my hopes up
for nothing that day.

I'm trying to figure out how to open it.

If you turn the dials the right way,

a fun surprise pops out.

I'm hoping for a family heirloom,

but I will settle for a gumball.

- Did that do anything?
- Besides making me wish

I had never come in here?

Make yourself useful.

There's a dial on the other side.

Maybe if we line it up at the same time.

Alright, alright, fine, I'll help.

It better not be wet in there.

You know, when you think about it,

it's a pretty thoughtful gift
that Starla gave you here.

You sound just like my dad.

He was always defending her.

So she did one nice thing.

Doesn't make up for the time
her prop comic boyfriend

smashed my birthday cake with a mallet.

The classics are the classics
for a reason.

I didn't even get to make
a birthday wish.

If it wasn't for Starla,
I'd be able to whistle.

Stupid Starla.

Turn yours all the way to the right.

I think that I turned...

Did that just clamp down on your arm?

- Yep. Yours?
- Yep.

What were you saying about
this being a thoughtful gift?

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Your wallet is glitter now.

- Here she is.
- Oh, okay.

Oh.

Hey, kitten.

I thought you might be showing up.

And you brought your leggy friend.

Yes, Abby and I are inseparable lately.

Now, you want to tell me why,
you velour nutbag?

It's nothing sinister.
It's just a fun little box.

And if you don't do what I say,
you'll stay in there forever.

What do you want, Starla?

Oh, what every modern woman wants...

a good dry cleaner who does velvet capes

and your dad's magic journal.

Why would I ever give you that?

Because our hands are locked in a box.

That book has all the best
tricks that I did with Harry.

It is my ticket
to becoming a real magician,

which is a thing
that would have happened by now

had you not come along.

I'm the reason
you're still an assistant?

I think you spent too much time
in that water tank.

Your father and I
were poised for stardom,

and I was just about to make a leap

from being an assistant
to the one who gets to talk

when your mother made
her birth control disappear.

I understand we all rue
the day that she was born,

but... about my freedom.

You're wasting your time, Starla.

I have no idea
where my dad's journal is.

Well, if I were you, I
would start looking for it fast,

because at some point,

one of you is going to have
to go to the bathroom.

Ta-ta!

It doesn't always work.

Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke.

Now that she said bathroom,
I do have to go.

Follow the sound of my voice.

If this is a kiss
from a stranger, I want out.

Welcome to a world of awe in amazement.

Flobert, lights.

If this is you trying to
ignite the bonfire of my soul...

sure, I've got a few minutes.

They're fixing the microwave.

We discussed the best way

to reawaken your sense of wonder.

Would you be wowed by nature,
technology,

or the limitless
and erotic possibilities

of the human body?

Gurgs, unleash the power of nature.

Behold the Middlemist's red camellia,

the rarest flower on earth.

Mm, no, thank you.

Rare equals expensive.

Mr. Middle prefers whatever
Trader Joe's has out front.

Step aside, Mother Nature.
It's time for Daddy Technology.

Behold, man's greatest creation,
the bulletproof vest.

Now, who wants to sh**t me?

How does this demonstrate technology?

I thought you'd bring
in a hologram or something.

Maybe I am a hologram. You don't know.

Come, run through me!

Alright, moving on.

Wyatt, feast your eyes
on Sheila, the barista.

Check out that human body
that knows no bounds.

Uh-oh.

I think I'm allergic to that flower.

[SNEEZES]

Aaah!

Oh!

I guess that know-it-all sales girl

was onto something when she said,

"That's not a bulletproof vest."

I knew he wasn't a hologram.

Just a little more butter spray, and...

nope, still stuck.

Is it weird I want waffles?

It's weird
that you had that in your desk.

I've got an idea that might work.

Give the journal to Starla.

I told you, I don't know where it is.

Yeah, I don't...

Oh, wait a minute. You're lying.

You squinted your eyes,

like when you tell people

that you don't need chopstick helpers.

I have a sweaty grip,
and there's no cure.

- I bet it's in this office.
- No.

Oh? Well, let's see. If I go over here,

am I getting... I don't know,

am I getting warmer over here?

Okay. Yeah, fine. Red hot.

Oh, squint! Lie!

That means it's over here.

Come on, Abby, give it up. Alright?

We got to get our arms out of this box.

I don't need to. I'm having a nice time.

If anything,
I think two arms is too many.

I have a colonoscopy in a week.

I'd really like to do it alone.

Might be nice to have a buddy.

You know what?
I bet it's in this bookcase.

A book in a bookcase?

What kind of idiot do you think I am?

The kind of idiot that would
hide something in plain sight

because she just figured that...

oh, there it is! I knew it.

And you're hoarding Toblerone?

The chocolate options in this
courthouse are straight trash.

And as far as the journal,

I am not giving that to Count Whackula.

Why not? You don't need the journal.

You don't even do magic.

You're right, I don't.

But, you know, my dad built the box,

so the way out might be in that journal.

Then why didn't you use
the journal in the first place?

Because it's written
in riddles I can't understand.

- Alright, fine. Starla it is.
- No, no, no, no.

I can get us out of this box.
I am Harry Stone's daughter.

Magic is in my blood.
Just give me an hour.

Alright, you know what?
You've got 45 minutes.

And something else, alright?
Let's both calm down.

It's getting swampy in there.

As I started across the street,

the crosswalk said ten,

then nine,

then eight...

Can we get to the point, please?

Some of us have boxes to get out of.

Mr. Danielson blocked traffic
for 35 minutes

and not one driver ran him over.

Oh, God, this city isn't
what it used to be.

I've dealt with this man before.

He suffers from something
called tortoise nervosa,

which is [SLOWLY] a nightmare.

Allow me to speed things up.

$50 fine.

Sit.

Okay, now, are you going to
find the answer from that book,

or do I have to say
that woman's name three times

and have her appear?

Oh, look, a fun riddle.

"The only way out of a blind man's box

is by turning 300
with a panda and a fox."

Practically solves itself.

Dear God. Riddles. Magic.

The holidays at your house
must have been insufferable.

Not every day you see a half
man, half turtle, huh?

You obviously haven't been
on the dating apps.

This isn't like you to be so cynical.

Damn it, Wyatt!

Your bad vibes are spreading.

When the water's lukewarm,
everybody wants to dive in.

Alright, no, no, no.
Don't listen to him.

He wasn't even wowed when the EMTs

brought Flobert back from the dead.

I think something came back with me.

Something not of this world.

Here is an opportunity for
Wyatt to have his mind blown.

Behold, a newly appointed judge
trying to solve a riddle

to prove something to, I think, herself.

I'm not sure. I'm really not invested.

Okay, I bet there's a double meaning.

Maybe the blind man isn't a man at all.

It's just a face with no eyes.

That's the thing that followed me back!

Murray, nothing followed you back.

Would you just, like,
clean your contacts?

A clock has a face.

Maybe one of the dials
in here is like a clock.

Okay, here we go.

And... ta-da!

I said ta-da!

Great. Why don't you try
saying "Ta-da!" louder.

Maybe that'll work.

Hey, the turtle man
is making a break for it!

You'll never take me alive.

What don't you get? Take one step.

Pause, then take another step.

Hey, friends,
I'm waving with both hands.

Jealous?

What are you doing in here, Starla?

I called her.

Starla, here's the journal.

May every page give you a papercut,

and may your days be filled
with nothing but lemon juice.

I knew you would come around.

- Oh.
- There. Now you're trapped.

That's called misdirection.

Legs, if you wanted to handcuff me,

all you had to do was make eye contact.

Clean it up, Starla, it's a lot.

Get us out of this,
we'll get you out of that.

No deal.

I've got no place to be.

And I've got no place to live.

So, looks like everything's
coming up Starla.

All I got is time.

In fact, I think this is
a great opportunity

to practice my whistling.

There's a lot more where that came from.

Alright, that's it, I am done.

Ever since this woman showed up,
you've been acting crazy.

Nobody goes anywhere
until you two sort this out.

I'm not acting crazy. You're crazy.

This is not what we agreed to.

Is this about the Toblerone?

Yeah, Starla ain't staying

'cause Starla can turn her hand
into a dove.

Okay, yeah, see,
this is why I need the book.

Could you two please work this out?

No. The plan was to trap Starla,

close the door, and let her rot.

No one would miss her.

She's already faked
her death three times.

Alright, Starla,
I'm going to start with you.

Do you really think
that your career stalled

when Abby was born,

taking no accountability yourself?

Yes.

Certainly had nothing
to do with the fact

that I say things that make
people feel uncomfortable

and I hate networking.

Also, I like to steal.

Fine, you're a lost cause.
But, Abby, this is not like you.

I understand that she is
unpleasant and annoying

and completely incapable
of reading a room.

We get it. You're into me.

But come on, Abby,

can't you let her have this one thing?

One thing? She already has everything,

and she has the best thing...
she can do magic.

Something she had with my dad
that I would have k*lled for.

Oh, come on.

You didn't need to do magic with him

because he couldn't stop talking about

how you were the most magical thing

that ever happened to him.

- He really said that?
- Yeah.

I would say that that's true.

I mean, we know
that she's completely incapable

of conjuring a lucid thought.

And quite frankly,
that does sound like Harry.

You know, you may shuffle cards

like you have hooves for hands, but...

But you are your father's daughter.

- Thank you, Dan.
- Oh.

Wait a minute. Are you holding my hand?

Are you telling me that all we
had to do to get out of this box

was hold hands?

God, magic sucks.

What you said was actually very sweet.

Here. You can borrow it.

Hey, that thing your dad said
about you being magical?

I bet that's why he named you
Abracadabra.

No [BLEEP], Starla.

Oh, I know those looks.

Those are the faces of people
who woke up this morning

with expectations that didn't get met.

You did it, Wyatt.

You sucked the wonder
out of life for all of us.

The darkness is closing in,

and now there's no thread to hold on to.

Brownie?

Okay, so, you missed
the middle and ended up here.

Gurgs, I know what'll cheer you up.

Let's watch that video you like
of the bunny riding a dog.

No.

Turns out the dog was actually a coyote

and the bunny was food for its pack.

Alright, well, food chain, nature.

Flobert, want to play the game

where we rank the naughtiest fruits?

What's the point?

There's no knocking
eggplant from the top.

So, you guys are this bummed

because you couldn't get me
to feel something?

I didn't realize you cared that much.

That's making me feel something.

You know what? I will have that brownie.

So, you are feeling something, huh?

I gave up on highs not to feel lows,

but between you guys and this brownie,

I'm starting to feel high again.

Oh, you're not feeling high yet.

You give it an hour or two,

and you will be on a rocket ship
to the center of the sun.

I should have asked more questions

before I had the brownie.

I should have asked more
questions before I had six.

Seven.

[GIGGLES]

I can't believe I met the Dalai Lama.

Oh, that's where my arrow is.

I can taste the music.

Turn it up!

Yeah, that's better.

Good news, fellow travelers.

You've ignited the bonfire of my soul.

- You're welcome.
- I was talking to Sheila.