01x01 - Two Soaps and a Talc

[bunniefuu]

We're not just any
electrical superstore.

We're YOUR
electrical superstore.

Feeling peckish? Breville
toaster. Only 24.99.

What an offer!

What about a camcorder for
Dad? Only 499. Top deal!

Why not treat the wife to the latest
state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner,

for as little as
73 quid? No joke!

Cheapest prices this
side of the Pennines.

That's the power of Parker!

FlRE ALARM RlNGS

Martin?

Aw...

l don't like it when you're
stressed. Can I cheer you up?

You always cheer me up.

Mmm...

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey. I need to get back

before joan's perm solution
burns her scalp again.

I thought you said you
wanted to cheer me up.

Oh, come on, chicken. Five
more minutes? De-stress me.

Oh, l got a surprise for you later.
What kind of surprise? Secret.

Kath, you're sh*t at secrets.
You can't hold your own piss.

Um, l am very discreet,
I 'll have you know.

Shall l give you a hint? See?

SHE LAUGHS

SlLLY ACCENT: My
horse has a poorly hoof.

However vill l make it to
ze market? Can you helps me?

What the bloody hellfire was
that? It was sexy, that.

Sexy? You sound more like
you've had a mild stroke.

Sod off. l 'm working on it, all
right? You're going to love it!

You're mad. You're mad.

THEY LAUGH

There we go! Now
you're talking! Oh!

Now you're cooking
on gas, our Kath!

THEY SHRlEK AND LAUGH

Oh, sh*t. Is that the
time? I 'd better go.

Love you!

♪ Here comes the mirror
man Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Says he's a people
fan Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

Ta, Betty.

I 'd stick it on a boil
wash if I was you. See ya!

Don't even think about it.
I 've just mopped. Jesus!

Here. Eat it in the
garage. Oh, Tom,

please tell me you're going to
at least shower before tonight?

I don't see what all
the fuss is about.

Tom, I 'm on the
board of governors.

And...? And we're entertaining your
sister's French exchange people.

Me and your father, all of
us, are representing Britain.

The school are counting on me.
Everything needs to be perfect.

Any fit French
birds coming? Ohh...

Oh... l dontt think
youtve got enough cheese.

Do you think I should put more out?
How many are we expecting, again?

SHE GASPS More chairs.

Will they want to mingle? Do French
mingle? Can you mingle in chairs?

Less chairs? Yes, less chairs.
Chuck us a yoghurt, will ya? Oh!

Desserts! I 've only done
a trifle. Mum! Chill out.

Do French people like desserts?

Let them eat cake.
Yes, I 'll get a cake!

Who doesn't like a cake? H mm.

Hiya, Pam. Are you all right?

Got my pills, Bev? I told
ya. Give us a minute.

Oh! Good night, was it, Bev?

We were double-dropping
some diazepam last night.

Oh. Off me t*ts.

Oh, don't look at me, Kath,
I 'm hanging out me arse.

Not for me, that, Bev.

All l need to unwind is an Archers
and lemonade and a good bop.

You all right,
Gladys? You decent?

Oh, here she is.

Hello, my love.

Remember, Gladys, not
a word to the others.

Oh. Who have you
swiped that from?

Never you mind. It's
a good 'un, that.

It's unopened. Two
soaps and a talc. Mm!

Any joy with them ciggies?
It's bad news, I 'm afraid.

He's been stopped
at Calais again.

500 packs of Silk Cut,
ten litres of ouzo

and 40 pairs of knock-off Gucci
loafers all up the Suwannee.

His mam's gone mad. She's
had to switch to rollies.

Oh, no. Who has the
time? Well, I know.

This is nice. ls
it new? Fat Annie.

Annie powell, 10B, died Tuesday.

Oh. l nabbed this and
a couple of nighties.

Nice.

KATH HUMS TO HERSELF

Oh, you're in a good mood.

Silver anniversary today. I
'm doing us a fancy meal.

Oh, right. What
are you making him?

Rock hard. Well, if the
saucy costume I borrowed

has anything to do
with it! SHE WHISTLES

Dirty bugger.

Do you know, he
is proper sex mad.

Yeah. So l saw.

You what? You and him rolling
around like silly buggers.

We had to stop the bingo. Twice.

Cliff Bibby was having chest
pains. Attention-seeking b*stard.

Oh, and l might have a
Teasmade for you next week.

Winnie Owens is
0n her last legs.

I know.

What is going on, guys?

You're supposed to
be my dream team.

If you want all this...

If you want all this,
I 've got news for you.

You've got to start using this.

Redditch branch sold
13 of these yesterday.

13!

13.1 -3.

Are you hearing this?

Oh, God. Look at
the state of you.

Gary, flies.

ZlPPlNG

Do you know how many telly-videos
you sold between the lot of you?

Zero. Zilch.

Sweet FA, Alex.

Actually, minus one.

Gary had a return. I 've
been watching the lot of you

and you're going after
the wrong customers.

What would I do?

Charm the ladies. Give
the kiddies a balloon.

And if they want a
deal, we do deals.

This telly-video comes with a free
sports holdall, for f*ck's sake.

What an offer. Come on!

I 'm handing it to you on a
b*stard plate here. Meet me ha♪way.

HE SIGHS

All right? What are you doing stood
standing around? Time's money.

I 'm sorry, Mr Parker. l 've
been over and over the numbers,

but with so many anomalies, l just
can't seem to get things right.

Well, you're my accountant.
Isn't that what I pay you for?

Yeah, well, about that, actually...
How bad is it? Oh, it's bad.

Really bad. lt's never been this
bad, actually. It's badder than bad.

The bank want their
money. The rent's overdue.

We really need to talk
about staff wages.

Where is Julie with
them brews? Julie!

Julie!

This poor fella's gasping
'ere! Is that kettle on?

We spoke about you
tightening your belt.

Have you given any thought
to selling the car? No way.

It's all about image in my game.

Martin Parker can't be driving
round town in a Fiat Panda, can he?

For Christ's sake! It's
a hairdresser's car.

Well, it's different for
you. No-one gives a sh*t.

What about the "storage space"
above the old butcher's shop?

I 've told you,
it's complicated.

We need to serve notice ASAP
before the lease rolls over again.

Where is Julie with them brews?

It's not my fault.

Some shithouses from Rumbelows
driving people like me out of town.

Is everything all right? Yes,
I 'm on it. Stop stressing.

I 'm not stressed. It's
not me who'll go to jail.

Nobody's going to jail.

They'll probably k*ll me first.

Who's going to k*ll you?
The Slater brothers.

Sh-sh-sh! I don't believe
this. Alan, have you got dogs?

Our Kylie's getting her tubes
tied today. I 'm on pins.

That's the last of the teabags.

Mr Parker! The Slater brothers.

What possessed you to go to
them? I had no choice, had I?

How much? Five grand.

OK... But it's six now.
Look, I only went to them

because you said the
bank wouldn't play dice.

Technically, this is
your fault. My fault?

Sorry, Alan, don't drink that
one. It's got three sugars in it.

How is the diabetes?
It's not bad.

And you still can't
have KitKats? No.

Thank you, Julie. Thank you.

You should have told me. I
didn't know it had sugar in it.

About the Slaters! Oh. If
we are going to solve this,

you are going to really need
to cut back on your outgoings.

And the old butcher's
shop. I 'll sort it.

And I 'll look into
selling the car.

♪ This is the sign of the times

♪ piece of more to come

♪ This is the sign of the times

♪ Time to be alone

♪ This is the sign of the times

♪ piece of more to come

♪ This is the sign of the times

♪ Time to be alone... ♪

Oh... ♪ Wetre strong in bed

♪ Youtre weak in love

♪ You give me nothing

♪ More than a shove. ♪

Merci.

Au revoir!

SOFTLY: Get in the car.

All right, Diane, love?
What are you doing here?

Cheesecake and whatnot.

A cheesecake. For the French.

I 'm on the board of governors.

Come on, get in before
someone sees us.

And put that back. It's
filthy. What are you on about?

It's in bloody good nick, is
that. It'll shine up really nice.

Come on. Haven't you
got enough junk at home?

One man's sh*t is
another man's treasure.

You take that.

SHE SIGHS

You don't mind if l take this, do
you, Martin? People are looking.

Please put that
down. KNIFE WHIRS

l thought this is how
you did business now.

Taking things off
people, not paying them.

Put them down, please.

Excuse me... Sorry, my love.

If you could just go over to
Gary there. He'll help you. Gary!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Which ones have got teletext? Huh?
Look, I 'm sorting your money out.

Now, please leave
the shop. Nice one.

Get someone to carry
this to my van, will you?

Six grand. Friday.

And if youtre late
again, it goes up again.

Simple as.

HE SNAPS HIS FlNGERS

Mr Parker. Hmm?

Lady wants a refund. Says this
iron broke her shell suit.

Oh, Dad. What are you going to
do with a dirty old mattress?

It's nearly new, that.
Somebody was chucking it out.

Couple of lads from the Legion
gave me a hand bringing it back.

But What on earth are you
going to do with it? Oh!

Mum would lose her mind.
Yeah, well... she can't,

can she?

BANG ON CAR f*ck off!

BOYS LAUGH Little shits.

Brew? No, you're all right. I
don't like to leave the car here.

Besides, I need to get back.

The French are very
prompt, by all accounts.

They were b*stard well
prompt when they surrendered.

Well, what time do
you want me? Pardon?

Free night tonight. Got knocked out
of the darts on Wednesday. What?

I know! Bloody good
team at The Nelson.

No, I meant the party. No,
it's all PTA people, Dad.

It's professionals. Boring.
You know? You won't fit in.

I love a buffet. Well, I
can't pick you up, Dad.

I 've got a tray of chicken
drumsticks defrosting

and I 've not even touched
the skirting boards.

I could get the bus,
bring me own cans.

No, Dad, you can't...

Not tonight!

TV: television is your subject
and your time starts now.

Which cartoon character was
referred to by Yosemite Sam

as that "darned
wabbit"? Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny. DOOR CLOSES

Bloody hell, Kath.
SILLY ACCENT: You like?

Vould you like to
play vith me? Hmm?

Super sexy, ja? No,
no, not... Not sexy.

Not sexy tonight, love.

Happy anniversary!

I 'm a sexy milkmaid, Martin.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Don't you like it?

No, it's fine. It's just... I
have to say something, Kath.

OK. Go on. OK.

Thick as sh*t, this one.
Even I knew that was Tenko.

Oh, bloody hell. I
could m*rder a drink.

MUSIC AND CHATTER

Oh, hello, Nigel. Hey. Ashtrayts
just behind you. Thank you.

Tell her I 've never been to France.
We're more Spain, aren't we, Alison?

But it's such a
beautiful language.

Oui! Sexy.

For God's sake, Mum.

Je suis desole, ma mere est
tellement embarrassante.

What's that?

Non, mais c'est pas grave parce que
ma mere c'est exactement pareille.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ask her if she's settled
in. En-suite guest room OK?

Does she have everything she
needs? What about towels?

Does she need more towels?
Everything is perfect, Mrs Parker.

See? Stop going
0n about it. God!

Tom! Shirt!

You're not on Top Of The Pops
now. Oh, good, a cheesecake.

To go with the
cheese. HE SNIFFS

This has got to stop.

It's just an 0utfit.

You can take it
0ff, if you like.

It's a bit tight, really. It's
not about the outfit, love.

Well, tell your face!

I thought you'd be all
over this. You love milk.

Things have changed,
Kath. It's just...

It's just not right for me at
this time. It's not working.

What's not working? Us!

What? I 'm sorry. And you
can't stay here any more.

You're going to have to move
out and find somewhere else.

Are you taking the piss? No.

The lease is up and
they're raising the rent.

And...? What's that got to do wi'
me? Look, I know it's not ideal.

Oh, not ideal! oh,
bloody hell, Kath!

Don't make this any harder
for me! Oh, harder for you?

You're finishing wi' me and
chucking me out me own home.

I 've just regrouted
that bathroom.

Well, I 've always said
money can't buy taste.

Just take a drive down
Wellfield Avenue! Vino?

Oh, no... No? Oh, come on,
everyone. Don't be shy. Tuck in.

There's plenty here. Help
yourself to le buffet.

What? They're hardly eating.

Surely they like French food?
It's fine, Mum. Leave it.

I 'll have some
wine. No, you won't.

You're s0 boring.
Zara's having a drink.

Zara's 18. So...?

Her mum let her drink in
the house when she was 12.

And French women don't
shave their armpits, Alison.

Is that the road you want
to go down? Didn't think so.

KNOCK ON WlNDOW sh*t.

Bonjour, love. What the hell are you
doing here? I told you not to come.

No. You said you
couldn't pick me up.

Can?

SHE SIGHS

Don't talk to anyone.

Oh, I love that blouse
on you, Elaine. Marksies?

Yeah. Colour really suits you.
Have you had your colour done?

Oh, well, it changed my life and
my wardrobe. I 'm Hazy Summer.

It's not you, it's me. ls this
my anniversary surprise? Is it?

I give you access all areas to
this and a big bottle of Kouros,

and what do l get?
Dumped! How romantic.

Kath... l 'm not going
anywhere. No, you can't make me.

I 'm staying here.
Squatter's rights.

Look, I know you're
upset. I 'm upset, too,

but now you're being unreasonable.
I 'll show you unreasonable, Martin.

Listen, Kath, I 'm sorry,
I 'm honestly sorry,

but that is it. It's over. No.

No, no, it's not.
This is mental.

I will not let the
last 25 years...

25 years! l 'll not let that
go up the Suwannee, Martin.

It's down the
Suwannee, not up. What?

Down the Suwannee. You said up.

I couldn't give a shiny sh*t
about swans, Martin! Look...

I 'll see you right. I 'm
not a complete b*stard.

See me right? There is
no right without you.

I want you. l 've
always wanted you.

I 've ordered us
a Chinese banquet.

Lucky Panda. Oh,
look, it's been fun,

but it's over.

Fun? f*cking fun?

If you leave now, that's it.
You're never coming back.

Kath, it's just I
cannot... I ca...

I cannot be responsible
for you any more!

If you climb down those stairs,
don't you come back here begging!

Martin...

lf you get in that car,
I mean it, Martin...

lf you start that engine...

ENGlNE STARTS

GlRL: What's she doing?
Martin, don't leave me.

SHE GASPS

ONLOOKERS LAUGH

Lucky panda. Banquet for two?

CAR RADIO PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE

Jesus wept!

MUSIC AND CHATTER

Dad, am l all right to have a
bit of wine? Of course, kitten.

Just don't go daft.

Hey!

Oh, here he is.
Hello, darling.

Sorry I 'm late. A bit of urgent
business to deal with. Sorted now.

No rest for the wicked. Oh,
Christ. What's he doing here?

It's fine. I 've told
people he's our handyman.

What time do you call this?

All that money and you haven't
got a watch that works!

Don't. Surprised to
see you here, Dougie.

Thought you couldn't
stand the French.

Therets a lot of people
here I can't stand, Martin.

Yeah, you and me both,
pal. No. I tm not your pal.

Drink? Oh, I see you've
brought your own.

Did you come straight from your
park bench? I like a Riesling.

Queen of the white wines.

DOUGlE LAUGHS

The trouble with you, Martin, is
youtre just a bloody yuppie snob.

Never satisfied. Always wanting
more. Just remember this.

Your sh*t stinks
the same as mine.

Ohh! Think about it.

Please. For me.

Think about it.

By the way, great job with
the guttering. Oh. Merci.

I just can't get my head around
it. I thought we were happy.

How did l not see it coming?
I could have sorted it.

Made me look stupid.

Sorry to turn up like this.

Oh, don't you worry, love. I
'm here for you. You know that.

Besides, nice to eat something
with a bit of a kick.

What am l going to do now, Gladys?
I 've never been on my own. Sod him.

He's an arsehole.
You don't need him.

Yeah, but he's a
beautiful arsehole.

You've seen him.
He's bloody gorgeous.

He's my ideal man...
Well, he's my only man.

I 've never, ever been
with anyone else. Christ.

And now l 've got no-one.

Youtve got me.

Such a d*ck.

Hey, lady. Now, you listen here.

You are not the d*ck here,
and he does not deserve you.

I told you.

Didn't l tell you this would
end in tears? How dare he?!

I could bloody swing for him.

I know people, you know.

You just give me the
nod, and I tll sort it.

Oh, l 'm fuming.

You, my love, have
the kindest heart,

and if he can't see
that, then bugger him.

You are a strong, sexy woman.
Now, come on, say it with me.

I 'm a strong, sexy woman.

I can't...

Come on, say it.

Oh...

Oh, that nightie stinks, Gladys!

Yeah, you're right.
l 'll be fine.

I 'm a strong, sexy woman.

Can l borrow your cardi?

Course you can. Now, then,
you get yourself off home...

Yeah... have a good night's rest.
Youtll feel better in the morning.

And if you leave now, Saleem
can run you back. Yeah.

I 'm going to go home.

I 'm not going to walk
away from love, Saleem.

He should have
married me, not her.

And l 'm going to tell
her. She needs to know.

She needs to know a few home
truths. Her marriage, right? Fake!

Just like them sh*t pillars.

I mean, how would you feel?

I 've been married a
long time. I don't know.

Bet you've never shagged
around, have you, eh?

Oh, Saleem...

You got kids?

How many? Three girls.

All married now, and a teenage
boy. What would he do? About what?

Your boy. lf he was
me, what would he do?

He's doing his GCSEs. I don't
know. Yeah, if he was in my shoes.

I don't know. A mix tape.
A mix tape? I 'm not 12!

Are you getting out, or what?
Betty, will you give me a minute?

No! No, we haven't got a minute.

Challenge Anneka is on tonight.

She's rewiring a
Romanian orphanage.

I couldn't give a sh*t, Betty.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

It's all a bit OTT, innit?
I mean, bloody hell Di.

You just can't help yourself, can
you? Please don't spoil my night.

And how long is this French girl
staying? Who's paying for that?

Her name's Zara. Oh.

I hope she likes cheese,
whatever her name is.

Right, wait here. I 'll
be five minutes, tops.

All right, Betty!
Hold me crackers.

SHE EXHALES

Ca va?

Thank you.

♪ Relax, don't do it

♪ When you wanna go do it... ♪

Oh, yeah! You're a music fan.

All them modern bands are
a bit depressing, though.

We like a bit of Phil
Collins, don't we? Or ELO.

Well, they must be
big over there.

FRENCH ACCENT: Electric
Light Orchestra?

♪ Relax, relax, don't do it... ♪

Bez's mum once bought
a twin-tub off me.

Happy Mondays? I even
threw in free delivery.

His dad's in the police.

Not the band. Leave her, Martin.
Are you enjoying the party, Zara?

It's tacky.

You're our guest.
My casa, you casa.

Martin, can you do another
circuit with the wine?

DOORBELL CHIMES ♪
Oh, who's that now?

Jesus, Di! Who else
have you invited?

Well, hurry up! They'll be gone.

I 've only got one
pair of hands, Martin!

I 'm a strong, sexy woman.

Diane, l think your
toilet's blocked.

It's either that or
your flush is frigged.

DOORBELL CHIMES Therets
water going everywhere.

Martin! Door!

I 'm a strong, sexy woman.
I 'm a strong, sexy woman.

I 'm a strong, sexy...

Oh.

Mrs Parker!

There's a milking
maid at your door.

Uh, you're all right,
thingy, I 've got this.

What the hell are you
playing at, coming here?

I told you never to come here.

I needed to see you.
Keep your voice down.

I know you don't mean anything
you said tonight. You can't.

She needs to know. And then
we can be together forever.

Look, will you get it into your
thick head, woman? We are finished.

Stay away from me and
stay away from my family.

You stay away from my family!

You're mental.

Who was it? Oh, just some
French lads pissing about.

You think they'd never seen
a bloody doorbell before!

Shall I do another circuit
with the wine, love?

Oh. Yes, please, Martin.

Hmm.

SALEEM: You ready?

N0.

Oh, for goodness's
sake! Oh, bloody hell!

He's not getting away with this.

I 'll give him
mental! Two minutes.

She's in no fit state
to be cutting hair.

♪ Sometimes l feel l tve got to

♪ Run away, l 've got to

♪ Get away from the pain you
drive into the heart of me

♪ The love we share
seems to go nowhere... ♪

Show you mental!

Your big, beautiful,
bouncy silver hair.

Your sparkly eyes.

DRUNKEN SlNGlNG

I see the handyman's
had a skinful.

Diane, on the back! Hey!

Your gorgeous golden skin.

Big strong thighs...

Oh, yeah.

We might get done for this.

ALARM BLARES

Little sh*t!

Screw you! Oh,
she's coming back.

I swear to God, if that's
the French boys again...

♪ Tainted love

♪ Tainted love

♪ Tainted love... ♪

Who's this now?

I 'll tell you who she
is. She's me sister.

Drive!

♪ I 'm gonna to turn
this world inside out

♪ l 'm gonna turn
suburbia upside down

♪ l 'm gonna pull my
hair, scream and shout

♪ Gonna crawl through the
alleyways, being very loud

♪ l 'm gonna turn this
world inside out... ♪