01x07 - The Tangible Secret

[bunniefuu]

- Mae Mae, am I a fraud?

- In what sense?

- Not a no.

Well, I was invited to lead
the morning meditation.

- I heard.

- And when it came time

to tell them what to picture...

Picture...

I drew a complete blank.

Um...

wait here.

These people look
to me for guidance.

They practically worship me.

- Practically?
- And all I could envision

was my favorite fall outfits.

- Didn't you draw a blank?

- I lied to you, Mae Mae.

I'm a liar.

I probably should have
asked this a long time ago,

but if I'm really
gonna be their leader,

shouldn't I at least have some
base of spiritual knowledge?

- Not all of your questions

lead directly to
your father's tapes,

but this one's a real muffin.

- Now you've settled in.

They've accepted
you as their leader.

But maybe you feel just a
little bit like a fraud.

Well, I've got just what
you need, sweet pea,

the key to spiritual
enlightenment.

- Oh, that was easy.

- And all you have to do

is climb this mountain!

- We have a mountain?

I need
to look up more.

- At the top of the mountain,

you will be presented
with a series of puzzles,

riddles, and brainteasers.

- Damn it.

- Now, these will unlock

a Tangible Secret...

Trademark pending...

An actionable piece
of information

that'll give you
the moral authority

of a true leader.

- I have no questions.

- Here's your first clue.

When you get to the
top, look for the ivy.

And if you get stuck,
remember, think like me.

I know I do.

Best tape yet.

- Mm.

- And then I said,
I feel like a fraud.

- You're not a fraud.
- Exactly.

When a friend says she
feels like a fraud,

you're supposed to say,
you're not a fraud.

You don't tell her to
climb a freaking mountain.

- Right. I mean, why
even get into it?

- Right.

Get into what?

- Whether or not you're a fraud.

I mean, you're a great leader.

You're just not super spiritual.

- I can't tell if that's
a compliment or not.

Say more... or say less.

- Sorry, I'm a
little distracted.

It's... Grease Trap Connie.

- Ooh, a love
interest with a cute

profession-based nickname?

- She's coming tomorrow.

Every four months,
Grease Trap Connie

removes the fatbergs
from our pipes.

Oh! We have, like, the hottest

will-they, won't-they
thing in history.

Like, nonstop sexual tension.

Like, I'm practically
begging for it.

But she hasn't made a move yet.

Maybe it's because
she always sees me

in my crummy bar clothes.

- You look great!

- And you're not a fraud!

- This is how you do it!

- We're rooting for you, Petey!

- Huzzah!

- OK, I thought
this was gonna be

more of a private quest,

but you all seem invested, so...

Citizens of New Utopia,

I am climbing yonder mountain
to receive the Tangible Secret

and get what I need to
lead you into the future.

- And onto the comet!

- Yeah, let me just go up
this mountain real quick

so I know how to talk
to you about that.

- Mm-mm, so when you
say you're getting

what you need to lead us,

what's been happening
up until now?

- We've been growing and
learning and finding it.

And it's been a
process together.

And you are sexist, OK?

- I'm the only one
questioning things.

All: ♪ If you don't get
what you need up there ♪

♪ We're going to freak out ♪

- Mm-hmm, I understand.

Please don't wait for me.

- We've been waiting
since yesterday.

- Good luck, Petey!

- Measure twice, step once.

- Ugh!

Um, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi.

You must be Bandit's
younger uncle,

due to a grandpa
with a new wife?

- This here's my
Little Einstein,

for the town's Big Hunk,
Little Einstein program

where strong men teach
outdoor skills to indoor kids.

We're climbing this
mountain to earn

his Spontaneous Plans badge.

- It's difficult for me...

Not the mountain,
the spontaneity.

- You nerd.

I'm desensitizing
him to bullying.

- Well, that
establishes our dynamic.

- I was a Little
Einstein myself.

- You're kidding me.

- No, I am not.

At least I'm not
looking for answers

on a high-altitude
wild-goose chase.

- So you knew I'd be here?

Is that why you came?

Yeah, you wish.

- Perhaps you'd like
to join us, Petey.

We can tell stories
along the way.

Like Chaucer.
- Hey! No.

Stop that.
- Thank you, Little Einstein.

But everyone knows a spiritual
journey has to be done alone,

like in that movie
where Diane Lane

makes it seem like Italy
doesn't have running water.

- I suspect she'll
be changing her tune

when the critters come out.

- Ugh.

- All right, people,

Petey's gone, so I'm off duty.

I'm loving it!

- How's it going down there?

I mean, not "down
there," down there.

Can you imagine?

Do you want water!

- Yeah, sure. Why not?

Thank you for asking.

Cool.

I love water.

I mean, you're 55% water.

Not that I'm saying
I 55% love you...

Hold, please.

I'm doing bad, aren't I?
- Mm.

This is worse than
watching an old man

get a medical pedicure.

- Great, honest feedback.

What should I do differently?

- I don't want to get involved.

I just said a whole thing
about being off duty.

We all need a little
time for ourselves,

even Mae Mae.

- Well, I'm...

just about done here.

- Oh, I envy those overalls.

I mean I covet them.

And I thank you

for your professionalism,
governor.

- Oh, my God, you two
are a couple of pandas.

I need to get in there.

Me time can wait.

It's meddling time.

- First rule of hiking:

pace yourself.

- You know I can hear you.

- Hey! Hey-h*, Petey!

- Always keep an eye
on your surroundings.

- Ugh!

Stop using me as
an object lesson.

It's rude.

- And remember, on the trail,

everything looks closer
than it really is.

- I'll be there in two seconds.

- She won't.

I'm gonna tell a whole story,

and you won't even
get here till the end.

It's gonna be a long one, too,

with a flashback and everything.

- Ugh, you're exhausting.

- Not the first time
I've heard that.

When I grow up, I want to be
a Big Hunk, just like you.

- Well, there's only so much
diet and exercise can do

in the face of genetics.

C-c-can you make the
comet come on my birthday?

- I-I don't think so.

- I thought you
could do anything.

And if you know everything
that's gonna happen,

how come you forgot the compass?

- Bandit, you're exhausting.

- Sounds like you were really
getting on his nerves, Bandit.

OK. My father was
your Big Hunk?

That's a huge reveal.

- Yeah, he was my mentor.

And all he did was let me down,

just like he's
gonna let you down

at the top of the mountain.

- You'd love that, wouldn't you?

It may even be why you're here.

- Put that eyebrow down.

- Well, thank you, Bandit.

Thanks for rooting against me.

Because you saying
there's nothing

at the top of the mountain
gives me even more hope

that there is something there.

And that explains our dynamic.

What?

It can become night
while I'm still outside?

- Looks like you're
bunking with us.

- So, Petey, what
do you hope to find

at the top of the mountain?

- Well, fingers
crossed, it's the key

to spirituality
and enlightenment.

It sounds like a
lot, but my father

knew some things,
and maybe one of them

was the Tangible Secret.

I mean, he was
right about Pluto.

- Astronomers all
agreed it was a planet.

Your father stood
alone like Galileo.

- Don't.

- And, Bandit, is Petey right?

Are we climbing the mountain

because she's
climbing the mountain?

That's a good question.

- Thanks, I've been told
I relate better to adults

than other youngsters.

- I already told you,
we're here to earn

your Spontaneous Plans badge.

- That's why we're somewhere.

Why are we here?

- To climb the mountain.

- But why now?
- To earn

your Spontaneous Plans badge.
- You already said that.

I'm... I'm... I'm trying very hard
not to get frustrated, Bandit.

Why did we come to this
place at this moment in time?

- Yeah, Bandit. Why here now?

- OK, I'd love to answer
all these questions

on their own terms,

but Hydrangea here's
begging for a walk.

Come
on, girl, let's go!

What am I doing, Hydrangea?

- What do you want to be doing?

- I want to be a good Big
Hunk to my Little Einstein,

but how can I be when...

- When...

- My own Big Hunk let me down?

- Which is why...

- I'd hate to see the same
thing happen to Petey.

- So you don't want
her to be disappointed?

- Of course not!

I want to protect her.

I want to... I want
to be there for her.

Why do you think I came on this
dang trip in the first place?

- Let's sit with that.

- All righty, lovebug, hope
you got good sleep last night.

Now let's get started... whoa!

- It's so simple.

We catch her with grease.

We use the grease against her.

- Oh, a grease trap.

It was right in
the name all along.

- It's an emergency, so
you'd better come now.

OK, bye.

- Now, what are we going to
do about your appearance?

- What do you mean?

- Business casual ain't
gonna cut it, sweetheart.

We're going for "I
want to bang you out,"

not "I'm concerned about
your child's development."

- Uh...

- Wow, I guess I
was overthinking it.

Hmm?

Yay, kissing.

- Ew!

There's a dang incline.

You rolled towards me.

- No, you rolled towards me.

Oh, come on.

It was a simple
mountain-roll kiss.

It doesn't mean anything.

You have a girlfriend.
- No, it's not that.

I was just reminded of
when I started questioning.

- Ugh, why am I always the
last stop before bisexuality?

- Started questioning my faith.

Wow, what a beautiful morning.

Every day, we're born anew.

That's what you said,
right, Great Leader?

Right? Great Leader?

- I wish I was dead.

- He wasn't a god.

He was just a middle-aged man,

spotted, achy, and flaking.

- Sorry, I got scared.

Sometimes I act
younger than my age.

- Wait, that was
the whole story?

So what if my father
had weird old-man mouth?

- Blegh.

- I started asking
questions after that,

questions like, if he's
not sacred, what is?

Turns out, the answer
was... nothing much.

- Bandit, I of all people
know my dad wasn't perfect,

but come on, of course
he wasn't a god.

He was my dad.

Gods don't have kids.

- Tell that to the gods of
the Greco-Roman pantheon.

And take Poseidon...
- OK, get off my lap.

So he wasn't a god, but he built

an entire community through
sheer force of personality.

If the town feels he was
a good leader to them,

then wasn't he?

- I'm glad we're in
the woods so no one

can see me agreeing with you,

but you have a point.

- Guess I've got some
puzzles to solve.

- This is the first I'm
hearing about puzzles.

- This must be it.

But we're supposed
to look for the ivy

and I don't see ivy anywhere.

Ugh! I hate puzzles.

- Hmm.

Look for the ivy.

What if he meant ivy like the
letter I and the letter V?

Like the Roman numeral 4?

Is that allowed?

- Look for the four!

Look for the four!
Look for the four!

- Pace yourself,
Little Einstein.

Remember, first rule of hiking.

- I found it. Look! It
was here, behind the ivy.

So there was ivy.

But why is it on its side?

- It's pointing, like an arrow.

We need to follow it.

- Ugh. Symbols.

- Hydrangea, go!

- Ugh.

- Where's the emergency?

- Yeah, things have been getting

pretty greasy over here.

- It's possible
the... Oh, my God.

This line was just
cleared yesterday.

I know I did a good job.

If this seeped up since then,

the entire town will
need to be replumbed,

unless this was done on purpose.

But no one would damage
a drain intentionally.

That would be deranged.

But it's protocol that I ask,

so this wasn't done
on purpose, right?

- All right! More puzzles.

- Why did it have to be puzzles?

- 17.

- My hat is purple.

- The fox won't eat the corn.

- A towel.
- $1.05.

Both: Roosters don't lay eggs!

Yes!

It's locked.

- It must be some sort of code.

Just help us.

- Why couldn't my dad have
tried to think like me?

Why do I have to
meet him all the way,

like a friend with no car?

- We think it's a pattern.

Moving north, Oman,
Turkmenistan...

- Uh, it's one, two,
three, four, five,

the first letters
of the numbers.

The next are six and
seven, so S and S.

Both: Hmm.

Ah!

Well, let's see.

Oh.

Oh, my God, here it comes.

I'm about to be enlightened.

You made it, Petey!

Time for the secret.

But first, listen to
this smoking guitar solo

while you check out
that awesome view.

- It almost looks like
the Tangible Secret

is physically entering her body.

How about that, huh?

Really pops over the
headphones, doesn't it?

Well, there you go.

That is the Tangible Secret.

It was my smoking-hot tune.

- No.

No!

- Ah. There, you
loved that, right?

Now, when the tape
player explodes,

a hot-air balloon will inflate
and carry you to the bottom.

He just, um,
noodled on a guitar.

- Yeah, not kidding
about the tape player.

- Wow, we did not
think this through.

- That's scheming, baby.

You can't guess what
will happen next

or who might be in that refinery

when the b*mb goes off.

- I'm further from Connie
liking me than ever.

When she sees
there's no fatberg,

she'll never talk to me again.

- OK, guys, let's start digging.

It was me!

I poured the grease
down the drain on purpose.

Shame me!

Boy, I sure am wild.

Other people should bond
by talking about it.

- Isn't that the lady who
blew up that refinery?

- Yeah, it is.

- Hey, we should hang art later.

- Hang out later.

How about now?

- Ah. That's good scheming.

- I can't believe I
did all those puzzles

and know less than
when I started out.

- I knew this would happen.

- That balloon's about to leave,

and I have a town to disappoint.

Go ahead, rub it in.

- I don't want to rub it in.

I'm misunderstood.

- Ugh, guitar solos
and misunderstood men.

- I got my hopes up,
too, a little bit.

I really did look
up to your dad.

I'm... I'm just glad
you're not alone

to find out who he really was.

Ooh! Oh.

OK. Yeah, hug nice too.

- Your mouth is very wet.

- Petey, your dirigible!

- Looks like you got
a choice to make.

What are you gonna
tell them down there?

- I guess I have to
tell the town the truth.

The Tangible Secret
was bullshit,

and so am I.

- One, two, three, eyes on me!

Today we witnessed a miracle...

Of science, of
friendship, of puzzles.

Petey, your father
climbed this mountain

and set up these elaborate
feats of mental strength.

Why?

I choose to believe that
he wanted to show you

that you had what you
needed the whole time.

Your father believed
in you, Petey.

And so do I.

And so do all the people

waiting at the bottom
of this mountain.

- Yeah, sorry, but
I'm not taking advice

from someone who climbed
on my lap this morning,

Little Einstein.

- My name isn't Little Einstein!

It's Harold!

- I told him to measure
twice, step once.

- His name isn't
Little Einstein?

- It's Harold!

- Oh, no!

- This appendage is useless.

I have to sever it
before I lose my courage.

- Jeez, man.

You were down here
for, like, 15 seconds.

- OK, so I solved puzzles,

and now I'm being propelled
by fire over my head.

But this is pretty cool.

Whoo-hoo? Yeah.

Whoo-hoo.

Maybe this is how my
dad wanted me to feel.

Mm.

- Ugh, we get it, Dad.

You love space.

She is returned!

- Hello, New Utopia.

I come with a message
of radical candor.

- What?
- The Tangible Secret wa...

Hold, please.

Anyway, uh, where was I?

Um... oh, yeah.

Hello, New Utopia.

- Uh, just for the
sake of ceremony,

please tell us that you
gained the sacred knowledge.

- Did you get what you needed?

The truth is...

I got what I needed.

Huzzah!

- I'm ready to lead
you into the future.

- And onto the comet!

And onto the comet.

- Oh, yes, Petey!

Sorry, I just...

- Hey, it's OK.

- You're not mad I
didn't tell the truth?

- Nah, what can I expect

from a dirty,
rotten cult leader?

- You're right.

I guess every leader is a
little bit of a fraudster.

And I'm a little
bit of a leader.

Sure.

No one fed me.

- Well, on my weekends,
we go to the arboretum,

and on your weekends,

apparently, he goes to the woods

with a cult leader
and a strange man.

- Carol, you're making
this into a big deal.

It was his Big Hunk.

- He said he watched two
sleeping adults kiss.

- Yeah, kissing is natural.

- Oh, my God!

- He's seen
"Shakespeare in Love."

He knows all about that.

What the , Allen?

- Oh, right, 'cause
you're so perfect.

Well, I'm not the one
who fell asleep with

"Blue is the Warmest
Colour" on TV, am I?

- You are not a
man. You are a worm.

- You want to
humiliate me? Fine.

- You are a worm.
- I'm humiliated.

You want me to admit
I made a mistake?

- You are a worm.
- OK.

- Why can't you just be
like other divorced dads

and drunk drive him
to the batting cage?

- If you had such a good
time with him last weekend,

then why is he covered
in fire ant bites?

- I should have cheated on
you when I had the chance.

And I had a chance!

Oh, my God.

- Ugh! Oh, my God.

He watches Netflix.

You are a worm.

- You are a worm.
You are a worm.

- I recall he sat on a wasp.

- You are a worm man.

You're a little worm.