01x04 - We're Closed (Didn't Pay Rent)

[bunniefuu]

MICHELLE: (READS) "Today -
the World Championships

"of People who are Terrible
at Noughts-and-Crosses.

"Please don't read this aloud."

(GASPS) Ama-ma.

(SOFTLY) Sorry, sign. Sorry.

COMMENTATOR: And welcome back
to the World Championships

of People who are Terrible
at Noughts-and-Crosses.

First two moves
have been particularly bad.

Top right.

SPECTATORS: Ooh!

Top right.

COMMENTATOR:
Yeah, it's really bad stuff here.

sh*t.

I was going to go there.

Any of the available spaces.

Top left.

Top left?
Yeah.

Alright.

COMMENTATOR:
Once again a terrible choice.

The finalists are really
acting out the premise well here.

Didn't want to...

It wouldn't be right.

Your turn.

Top right.

Top right?

So, that square is taken by you.

COMMENTATOR: There appears
to be some confusion down there.

Top right.

No, it's not your... No.

It's your turn.

Any of the AVAILABLE squares.

Any of the available squares.

Hmm. Pass.

Bottom left.

SPECTATORS: Ooh!

COMMENTATOR: Fantastic atmosphere
by the crowd there.

Am I allowed to ask them
why they just said, "Ooh"?

Uh...

They're just reading
what it says there.

No...

Middle top.

Middle top?
Put a circle there one.

No, you're cross... You're...
You're cross.

Congratulations.
No...

You've got to get three in a row...

Right.
..of yours.

Congratulations.
No. Stop... Stop it.

Stop it! Three in a row.

Zach! Table five need
those almond croissants pronto!

Hey, stop doing latte art
with little dicks in them, please.

You're the one making connections
out of nowhere. They are hearts.

Come's coming out of these,
Stephanie!

You know the Ancient Romans
considered genitalia

the source of all love.

OK.

Zach, is this what
you've been serving table five?

Yeah.
They ordered almond croissants.

Not almonds AND croissants.

How was I supposed to know that?!

This isn't a thing that exists?!

Did you teach her this (BLEEP!)?
I taught her that as a joke!

It's not funny
to put dicks in coffee!

What?!

We've got impressionable
(BLEEP!) children here working now!

She's f*cking 16, Broden!

She watches MA movies!
She knows what a d*ck is!

Boys!

(FLASHY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi!

I'm your property manager
from the real-estate agency.

How's it going? Alright. Good. Not
bad. Talk to me. How're you going?

Pretty good. The other week,
this place was filled with wasps.

Oh, beautiful!

OK, well, I just wanted
to pop down here

and see why you haven't
paid your rent in six months.

You're in big trouble, my boys.

What are you talking about? We pay
our rent every month like clockwork.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Well, that's the rent paid,
my drudes.

Back to the cafe.

Orange.

But nah, mate!

You owe us, like, thousands
of dollars, gents, alright?

W-T-F?

Uh-huh. It's tomato day,

and you haven't got
enough empty, clean jars

for the passata, I'm afraid.

Which one of you pooheads
hasn't been paying the rent?

Mark, language!

Look, Miss, there must be
some sort of clerical error here.

Can't we organise
a potential payment-payback scheme?

Oof! Try saying that one
10 times fast, kids.

No, no.
It's too late for that, I'm afraid.

It's like
you're curing the salami mix,

and somebody's forgotten to salt it,
sadly.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I talk mostly in Italian-cooking
analogies, by the way.

Well, I'm Italian too,

but I prefer talking about
E-sports, graphic novels

and hanging out online
through the Discord platform.

Mm.

OK. Um...

Oh.

Any of the available squares. Here.

Top right.
Yeah. No. Taken. Here.

Look. Loo...
Top right.

No!

I'll take the top right.

No! Please?

Please!
You know what?

I actually just came down here
to evict you,

but I can see
you dabble in functions, lads.

Oh, yeah, we do functions, sketches,
whatever you want to call them.

OK. Alright. Cop this one.

Your cafe is going to host the
Annual Real Estate Awards tonight,

and, in return,

I'm going to give you a little bit
of an extension on paying your rent.

We can't do that tonight.
We've already got a function on.

Well, you know what?
Like, if you prefer,

I can just step aside and let you
talk directly to your landlord

because, you know, she's very
reasonable and level-headed, so...

Sally-Anne, what are you doing?!

Little spider came in!

That's not a spider, Sally-Anne,

that's a man!

It's Mark, Sally-Anne!

I'm gonna stab you, you little sh*t!

(SCREAMS)

Alright.

Hey, you guys have got to piss off.

It's alright. We're done.
It was a draw.

They're REALLY bad.
They're REALLY bad.

Beautiful!

Well, I'll scoot home,
have a shower, make a pod coffee,

go to the garden, have a fig, smash
that coffee, a little biscotti,

dippy-dip, have a sip,

scoot back in,
put on the awards night.

No dramas! Beautiful.

God damn it, boys!

I wanted to go top right.
You should've. You could've won it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(GRUMBLES)

Yeah, no, I've actually
got a showing soon.

Oh, they're setting up
the Real Estate Awards already.

Yep. And you're passing in
anything under 1.6...

This is so embarrassing, boys.

This is more embarrassing
than when films have montages

and the lyrics to the song
don't match thematically.

(QUIETLY) What an odd thing to say.

Let's pay the rent
out of our own bank accounts.

For some reason,

that's the blood oath we agreed to
when we opened this cafe.

Well, when I was seven, I missed out
on my birthday because of rent.

I pay my rent on time every month,
Mark.

Oh, my God. What happened?

(REMEMBERS) Broden, it's your dad,
Ross Stevenson, here.

You were so bad in that production
of Rent the musical

that we're cancelling
your eighth birthday party.

No birthday cake, no cowboy hat, no
eighth birthday party for you ever.

(g*nf*re, EXPLOSIONS)
Weather coming up.

Are you...

Better than ever. Just thinking of
what I'll have for lunch today. Yum.

So, are you telling me

neither of you two bozos
are going to admit to this?

What, we've got to open up
our bank accounts

and trawl through our statements
to see who the culprit was?

Really?!
That's what we're going to do?!

Alright then, who's going first?

(SCOFFS) No volunteers?

Not a single one of youse?

Fine! I'll put my hand up.

I'll do it first.

(LAUGHS)

I cannot believe

I work with two people

so unwilling
to admit to a mistake...

(CRIES)

It was me.

(CRIES)

Well, what the heck is this?

I haven't been paying the rent,
boys.

I am shocked.

Not about the rent thing.
That doesn't surprise me.

You're still seven?

No, I'm not seven.

I just... I turned eight. I just
didn't have a birthday party for it.

Do you understand?
Yes.

I've got an addiction!
Look at my hands!

Look at them!

I can't stop thinking about
my next hit.

A can't sleep. I'm living in a sac.

Oh, my God, Mark, a hessian sack?

No, a cul-de-sac.
It's a little bit different.

So, do you still get, like,
cheap movie tickets and stuff?

I'm not seven! I'm not seven.
Alright?

Don't worry, Mark, acknowledgement
is the first step to recovery.

Me and Zach are going to help you

get back
to your little hairy dirt-f*ck self.

Dirt-f*ck?

(BOTH MURMUR INDISTINCTLY)

Oh.

Stop right there.

(LAUGHS)
You stop right there. (LAUGHS)

Alright, Mark,
Zach and I have laid a plan.

Zach's going to stay here
and oversee the function,

and I'm going to help you
boot this addiction.

Look, it's a shame
I can't go with you,

but I think we can all agree

that running an entire function

is too complicated of a task
for a little seven-year-old boy.

Are you cooked, man? I'm not seven.

I got a year older.
I just didn't have a birthday party.

You've never been
on a roller-coaster!

I'm 33! Stop it!

Alright, Mark, what's your addiction?

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

Got to get the timing just right.

(BUZZER)

It's so hard.

(BUZZER)

MACHINE: You lose!

You're addicted to Drummy Cool Dude?

I'm not a perfectionist.
I don't want to 100% it.

I just want to get through it
without failing it. You know?

I can't leave until I do.

Don't worry, Mark.
I'm going to help you finish

Flight Of The Bumblebee right now.

You really mean it,
Broden Kelly from Aunty Donna?

Oh, you betcha.

Because your story
deserves to be finished.

Everyone has a story,
and every story deserves to be told!

That bloke over there!

That... That guy!

And you, mate,

over there!

What did you do today?

Good morning, extras.

Welcome to the set
of the new Aunty Donna show.

This morning we're going
to be sh**ting an arcade scene.

A few rules to go through
before we get started.

Number one - no overacting.

It's not funny,
and you WILL get cut.

Number two - do not talk on set.

Even if one of the boys tries to
impro a line with you, do not reply

because they WILL blacklist you

and you'll never work
in this industry again.

Is that clear?

Is he alright?

Tell us what you did!

Maybe he's sick...
Talk to me!

What's...
Weird.

Alright. Let me have a crack at this.

Been a little while
since Alex Kidd on Sega, LOL.

LOL.
LOL.

LOL. (CHUCKLES)
Alright, you just press down here?

Yeah.
(BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Good luck. It's hard.

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

Hmm...

Probably beginner's luck, eh?

I'll give it another go?

Mm.

(BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

Hmm...

(DRUMS RHYTHMICALLY)

Mm.

Hmm...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GENTLE PIANO INTRO PLAYS)

(SINGS) # It's real estate's
night of nights

# It's magical and so jaunty

# Everybody's dressed to impress

# 'Cause tonight
it's The (BLEEP!)-ies

(SINGS)
# Every single realtor is a (BLEEP!)

# If you lose, don't get grumpy

BOTH: # You're still a (BLEEP!)

# I'm still a (BLEEP!)

# Tonight we're all (BLEEP!)-ies!

# Who's the biggest (BLEEP!)?
Is it you or me?

# We're (BLEEP!)
of the air, of the land and the sea

# If you've ever sold a house
on earth

# Well above what it is worth

# The best night
that you've ever seen

# Better than a renovator's dream

# Blow out the candles
and make a wish

# Which one of you
earned the biggest commish?

# Who has a big commish?
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# It's The (BLEEP!)-ies

# Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah
# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h

# We're all big, old (BLEEP!) #

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Cheers, lads, and welcome

to the 38th Annual (BLEEP!)-ies,

the most magical day
on the real-estate calendar.

Apart from that time

I sold an absolute shitbox
in Balwyn North

for over 500 K above reserve

and brought home a tasty commish.

It has been a big year
for all of us (BLEEP!).

We've sold some houses and made some
huge commishes on those sales.

GUEST: I've sold a house as well.

That's sick as.

How long till I can leave?

I've got Andre Rieu tickets.

Excuse me. How much longer
does this have to go?

Oh, don't worry.
Like, as a community,

agents don't like to pat ourselves
on the back too much,

so, you know, probably only another

50 or so thousand awards
to give out.

Should take several weeks at most.

The award for:

We have Mitch!

Mark, I'm going to get you drumming
like a real Drum Boy in no time.

You mean it?
Oh, mate.

I got an A for singing in Year 12.
You are in good hands.

I could have done music theatre
at uni if I'd wanted. Seriously.

Then sing a little for me,
Chad Kroeger.

(SINGS) # Oh, you want
a little bit of singing, yeah? #

OK. Timing.

Most music follows the basic
four-four time signature,

so, one, two, three, four.

Do it for me. One, two, three, four.
Do it with me.

One, two. Stomp for me.

One, two, three.
Just get that rhythm.

One, two. Come on, join the rhythm.

Just don't worry about the words.
Just stomp in time.

Too much, OK. Just clap. (CLAPS)

Clap.

Mark, clap.

Put your hands together
and make noise.

You don't know what clapping is?

Are you cooked?

So, so far we've learnt you're broke

and you're a grown human man

and you don't know what a clap is.

Well, we've got a lot of work to do,
little fella.

I hope you're ready to bust a nut,
you little nut boy,

'cause I'm going
to make you work harder

than you've ever worked in your life.

But, also, we're in an arcade,
so, let's have a bit of fun, alright?

Let's have fun while we're here.
Absolutely.

Legit, are you cooked?

SONG: # Run, run, run
Drive my big truck

# Driving down the interstate
I'm all out of luck.

# And then I hit a person
with my car

# And then I drove away

# Hit and run
Hit, hit-and-run

# I hit him with my car
and now I'm on the run

# I did a hit, hit, hit... #

Let's stop for a sec.

I know it was my idea

to wear the loose fabric-y
tracksuit pants and stuff,

but I can really clearly
see your nuts.

Yes.

Stop.
Sorry.

Let's just go back
to our normal clothes.

# I burned my truck

# Ditched the plates

# Gonna start a new life

# In a new state

# Did a hit-and-run

# In my big truck

# And then the guy died

# Just my luck

# The FBI is trying to find me

# 'Cause I did a hit-and-run... #
# Happy birthday to you... #

# Happy birthday to you... #
(g*nf*re, EXPLOSIONS)

# Happy birthday... #
# I hit him with my car

# And now I'm on the run

# I did a hit, hit, hit

# Hit, hit-and-run, yeah

# I hit him with my car
and now I run, run, run

# Yeah, hit-and-runs
I did one

# I hit a man and then I run

# Hit and run, running here

# I hit a man, yeah, I did

# Then I ran, ran away

# That is called a hit-and-run

# Yeah me, I did one

# I did a hit-and-run

# With my truck I hit a man

# I ran, ran a man down

# And then I ran, ran, ran away

# And then I ran down another man. #

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

# Hit and run

# Hit, hit-and-run, yeah

# I hit him with my car
and now I run, run, run... #

Elbow, fist. Bam, bam! He staggers,
jump up, kick to the face.

He's down!

Then I turn to them and I say,

"Listen up, you m*therf*ckers.

"You have got a choice -

"the door or my fist?"

And then they run away.

Thank you, Martha,
for explaining what you would do

if a group of t*rrorists
attacked one of your showings.

I'm sure you would get
a huge commish for that sale.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Now we remember those
we have lost this past year.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGS) # Really, really sad
and I miss you, my friend

# Your pain
# Pure sadness

# Remix

# Yeah, come on
# So bad

(RAPS) # It's really sad
when we lose the ones we love

# Yeah

# But they're shining down on us
from up above

# Love grows
# Mother-(BLEEP!)... #

Nic, I need to talk to you.

Ah, you heard how good I was

at putting big 'sold' stickers
on signs, and you want my advice?

(CHUCKLES)

Nah, you can't teach talent. Soz.

What? No, no, it's...

I need you guys to leave because...
how do I put this lightly?

I hate this and it's awful.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
That's such a shame.

Guess I'm going
to have to give Sally-Anne a ring.

Little spider came in again.

That's not a spider, Sally-Anne!
That's a man!

It's Zach, Sally-Anne!

I'm going to stab you, you little...
(SCREAMS)

OK. Fair point. But is there any way
to make this go faster?

No way, Zachy! You can't stop
a (BLEEP!)-ie once it's started.

Really?
REALLY really.

You know, I mean, OK, like,

unless the real-estate bubble burst,
I guess,

that would ruin everything, but...

(LAUGHS)

Which, of course, is impossible
and would never happen

because there is no bubble.

You should forget I said that.

Here, have a fig.

This shadowy revelation
presents an opportunity.

If that bubble is real,

than what is real can be burst.

Yes. I shall study.

I shall learn
the ways of the bubble.

And when the time is right

I shall cure this cafe

of its real-estate-agent plague.

Is what I reckon we should do.
But I'm open.

What... Where...
What do YOU think we should do?

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I just...

I went in so confident, but I'm...

No, I'll do it.

I'm going to go...
Get off your phone.

Here are the nominees for:

Steve, Greg...

Oh, jeez, Louise. It's
a pretty big crowd forming, Broden.

I feel like I've gone
to the butterfly sanctuary

and eaten a bunch of butterflies

and then I've pooed out
all the butterflies.

I know, they're pretty impressive.
Look at that one.

But don't worry, Mark. I taught you
everything you need to know.

(EXHALES HEAVILY) OK.

(BEEP!)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(BANGS)
(BUZZER)

Oh, damn it.

(BUZZER)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

(DRUMS NON-RHYTHMICALLY)

(BUZZER)

MACHINE: You lose!

(CROWD LAUGHS)

You (BLEEP!) loser!

It's hopeless.

I'M hopeless.

For the first time in my life,
Broden Kelly,

I think I'm going to have to accept
the consequences of my actions

and trick Zach into giving me
the money

and use that money to pay my rent.

I won't have it! No!

You're going to stay here
till you beat that damned addiction!

Give it one more go.

You really think I can do it?

I don't THINK so.

I think maybe you can.

(BEEP!)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(BEEPING)

Now we're cooking.

Now we're cookin'.

Oh, my God.

MACHINE: Good job! Keep going!

MACHINE: You're cool at drumming!

(BANG!)

MACHINE: You win!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
100% completion!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I did it!

I did it! (LAUGHS)

No! I hate you!

I can't believe it.

I beat the game AND on 100%.

Mark, you beat
that damned addiction.

I am coming back here every day
and spending all of my money.

Absolutely. Me too.
I'm going to take a loan out.

I told you, Mark -
if you set your mind to something,

you can achieve anything.

You are so right,
Broden Kelly from Aunty Donna.

Please stop doing that.

Let's go get some waffle fries from
that place next door that I love.

(GASPS)
Oh!

Oh.
Oop!

Slippery digits.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh!
(LAUGHS)

Excuse me. I'm going to get that.
OK. You got to get that.

You get out of here.
Alright.

Thanks for operating the drum machine
from inside, mate. I owe you.

I owe YOU one.

This is the most useful thing
to come

from shrinking myself
down to kid size.

I regret doing it so much.
Yes, it was a silly thing to do.

I didn't even want anything
from the kids menu.

I like adult meals,
like spaghetti and ba*ls.

The experiment was more
of a "Could I do it?" kind of thing.

And now I'm stuck.
Alright.

Well, ta-ta.

Think of all the incredible meals
I could've had

if I'd spent my money
at fancy restaurants, but now...

Tell my friends to attend my tent!

What a tiny man.

Oh, by the way,

I should have about
five billion tickets on that thing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And did you want to let that kid
out of the cupboard?

Can't be (BLEEP!).

Finally, I'm not wearing any socks.

Cheers.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Congratulations again to Johnno

for receiving
the (BLEEP!)-Time Achievement Award.

Just so well-deserved.

Oh.

Oh, and I've just been told we've
reached the 5% mark of the evening.

Honestly, time flies
when you're a (BLEEP!).

Which I am.

You can't just pop the bubble
like it's a balloon, right?

First you need to put
a noticeable amount of inflation

IN to the economy,

which will then, in turn,
put pressure on the banks...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Will, in turn, put pressure...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

To increase the reserve...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

..IN to the economy.

And then that will, in turn,

put pressure...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

NIC: Real-estate agents, hear me.

(SPOOKY CHANTING)

(SILENCE)
(CHUCKLES)

It is time to pay homage
to the great and powerful bubble.

Oh, it's...

It's a literal bubble.

OK.

The bubble is all-powerful

and earns us sick commishes.

All hail the bubble.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
The bubble will never burst!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

A-a-a-a-a-a...

(POP!)

..a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gh!

OK, the bubble's burst.

OTHERS: It is done.

(MONOTONOUSLY)
Off we go from whence we came.

Catch ya later, big fella.
Good on ya, champ...

What are they doing?

I burst the bubble, Mark.
It's all over.

Oh. Here's the cash
for that situation with your sister.

I hope she's OK.
Where are they going?

Not sure,
but if I were to hazard a guess,

I would say they're on their way

to the swampy marshes
under the West Gate Bridge,

where they will curl up
and begin their hibernation process,

like a lungfish.

Mm.

VOICEOVER: And Zach was right.

Like the lungfish,
the real-estate agents will return

to the swampy marshes
under the West Gate Bridge.

There was no need
for the boys to pay their rent

for the agents were now in holes
150 centimetres deep,

their spines dislocated

and folded in upon themselves,

leaving their nostrils above dirt

to allow regulated breathing.

The agents will re-emerge when the
market begins to regain confidence.

They will then recommence
selling houses

and receiving real nice commishes.

I wish there was another season
of Friends so bad.

Mm, me t...

Ah! Mr Bonanno,
our regular customer.

I see you've returned
to redeem your tickets.

(RECITES)
This isn't just an ordinary store.

Your tokens are not money.

The tokens are a key
to the wonderous and yummy.

The only thing confining you

is your imagination.

You can have it all.

It funds your inclination.

(SINGS) # Go on
Just tell me your number of tokens

# And then an all-new world

# Of wonder will open. #

Um... I have five billion tickets,

or tokens.

Five billion tokens?
Well, what a delight!

Five billion tokens
is a glorious sight

because five billion tokens

is four billion more

than any I've seen redeemed before.

(SINGS) # "What can I get?"
is the question you might ask

# With five billion tokens

# You can get one chocolate bar! #

That's it, mother-(BLEEP!)

That's all you get!

We (BLEEP!) got you!

I saw you there every day
for six months!

You thought you were going to get
something from the shelf, did ya?!

Well, nah! You loser!

You understand?!

You thought you had enough tokens
for a board game. Ha!

There are more stars in the sky

than there are tokens
enough for a board game!

No-one ever gets the best of me,

the arcade guy!