01x02 - We Got Burgled!

[bunniefuu]

Guys, we officially got internet.

Wow. I never thought I'd see the day
where OUR cafe had internet!

I'm almost worried
we'll get TOO many customers!

(BOTH GUFFAW)

Uh... No, too many customers.
Thank you. Not.

(LAUGHS)

Bring 'em in.
I love lots of customers!

Um... But you DO have the internet.

The other day you were watching
50 videos about trendy cafes.

That's a phone thing.

We're talking about internet, you
know, laptops, compu... Oh, my God.

Just go easy on the internet
for a few days, alright?

No big files.
Why?

Just leave it! Alright?!

You're on thin ice for making these
muffins with no blueberries in them!

You know how I like them?
Extra blueberry-ly.

(THINKS) But I was SURE

I put blueberries in the muffins
this morning.

Where did they all go?

And why does my inner monologue
sound like my friend Mark?

While I'm grumpy, this ain't a swampy
marsh, alright, so, no leeches.

If people are using internets,
they're buying sh*t. Is that clear?

Upsell.

Upsell.

Alright?
Sure, whatever.

Very good.

And if you do a good job upselling,

someone's getting Crowded House
tickets, like you kids love.

What?!
Yeah!

Wait, stop. Stop.
Yeah. I prefer old music.

Personally,
it's a little rude for me.

They love that young rock.

And Rove Live. I don't know.
Have you seen the What The...?

I literally can't! Oh, my God.

So, Michelle, what you've got
right here is the internet,

so, you can search anything,
and it comes up.

OK. Wow.

Yeah.
Um...

Broden.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
Ah! (LAUGHS)

Yeah, there I am.
(LAUGHS)

Hey. Just a small cappuccino,
please.

Great.

And?

I've already had breakfast.
Thanks, though.

What about some muffins?

Have you tried some muffins?
Do you want some muffins?

Hey, you're not using
too much internet, are you?

Oh, I am.

I am downloading Metallica albums,

burning them onto these blank CDs

and selling them illegally.

What?
Yes.

I will be Mother's favourite baby.

You make me very uncomfortable.

You know, we do actually have
buy-one-get-one-free today,

just so you know.

That's fine. I'm just one person.
OK, no worries.

So, that's five cappuccinos. Um...

Like, funny videos and stuff as well.

Funny...

..Broden.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.

What's Aunty Donna?
Side project.

But you can search so many...

So many Brodens.

Whoa.
Wow.

Heaps of Brodens.
Let's open up from there.

So, like...

Excuse me for one moment.

Cowboy Broden...

(MODEM TRILLS, CHIRPS)
Is it... Is it closing time yet?

It's 8:30.
Oh! Jesus!

No, Mark! Pedal, Mark! Pedal! Pedal!

I'm doing the power as well?!
Chase the salami!

People are using the internet
for cool things,

like to look up 'so many Brodens'!

And this magical program

can transport you
to anywhere in the world.

(GASPS)

From the safety of your computer,
of course!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Anywhere in the world?
Anywhere in the world.

Can it take us to the cafe? Here?

Sure.

We've done 'Broden'. So,
all the sh*t on the internet's there.

All the sh*t on the Brodens.

Who sh*t on me?
Who's covered me in sh*t?

I don't want this.

Lungs, breathe!

Watch this.
(CHUCKLES)

OK? Look.
(GASPS)

Oh, cool!
Yeah!

All the graffiti.
Yeah!

Yeah.
Oh, wow! We're here!

Yep. That's it.

Oh, in... Oh, it even
takes you INTO the cafe.

Oh.

That's... That's odd.

Is that us?

120 sandwiches!

What else?!

Stop saying, "What else, champ?!

I can't, OK!

You are financially ruining me!

Please! (CRIES)

Won't be too long.

3,000 muffins?!

No!

You tell them six at most!

I swear to God, one day...

Broden,
can I get your opinion on something?

There's a group over there that SAY
they're not using the internet,

but I'm not so sure.

What do you reckon?

(COMPUTERS TRILL)

Potentially.

Mark is getting tired!

(PANTS)

Agh!

Argh, God damn it, Mark!

It's like the morning
and there's heaps of windows.

(JAZZ MUSIC PAYS)
Why is it completely dark?

And where's that music coming from?

(SCATS) # I'm the Blueberry Burglar
And it's my time

# To steal the blueberries
Make the blueberries mine

# I pop, pop, pop
blueberries into my tum

# I won't stop, stop, stop
because blueberries are yum

# Oh, yeah! #

Shh.
# Can you hear that ringing?

# It's my head. It hurts. Yah! #

Citizens arrest!

Argh!

I fell on my d*ck.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

So, he stole some blueberries?

Yes, he did. He did.
(GROANS)

And you think that warrants
a phone call to the police?

ALL: Mm-hm!

He even did a singsong about it -

all the evidence you need.

It's true.
We all heard him with our own ears!

OK.

Do you have any idea of
the kind of stuff I see every day?

Maybe someone put their shoes
on the wrong foot.

Oh!

No. It's not.

It's not.

I can still hear the screams.

So, I'm gonna go.

See you laters!

Goodbye, Officer!
Bye-bye, Officer!

Bit much?
For me, you were a little...

I just get really nervous
around cops.

I don't know how to talk to them.

Alright, boys, looks like we have
to take the law into our own hands,

Blueberry Burglar.

Mama! Papa!
Ha-ha!

Look at him now.
Muah-ha-ha!

(BANGS GAVEL)

The cat...court will now proceed

with the case of the Blueberry
Burglar versus the Crown.

I am Judge Zach.

This is ridiculous.

Look, I don't even like blueberry.

Look, look, watch this, huh?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Oh... Oh, my God. Mmm. (MOANS)

(CHUCKLES) They're so good.

You know what? No.

This is stupid, OK?

This is against the Constitution.

We'll see about that.

There's nothing in the rulebook that
says a dog can't play basketball.

This court shall proceed!

Oi, you've got
nothing to worry about.

I've stacked the jury.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYS)

(BANGS GAVEL)

We shall now hear opening statements
from the prosecution, Broden Kelly.

Oh, little old me? (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, jury, I remember
when I was two-strapping-nine.

no higher than a beehive.

You could walk home, streets safe.
Get yourself a nickel-dime.

(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS) He's charming.

Damn, he's good.
Ohh.

I bet he has a ton of blueberries.

That was simpler time when you could
leave your windows locked, unlocked,

and put a pie on that window,
a bit of blueberry in that boy.

Objection, Your Honour!
He's talking about pies!

Sustained!
Overruled!

Now I'd like to draw
the court's attention to exhibit 69.

Literal footage of the Blueberry
Burglar stealing blueberries.

(SINGS)
# I'm the Blueberry Burglar ... #

This is a...
It was a TikTok I was...

(JURY GASPS)
# Make the blueberries mine!

# I pop, pop, pop
blueberries into my tum

# I won't stop, stop, stop
because blueberries are yum

# Oh, yeah!

# Can you hear that ringing?

# It's my head. It hurts. Yah! #

Citizen's arrest!

Ah. Michelle's gonna sing
a little ditty for you.

(SINGS) # A-a-a-a-a-a-a-h... #

Enough of this program!

Gentlemen, you will approach
my bench at once immediately now.

Oh, no... By no means at all.

(WHISPERS) How am I going?
You're doing great. We all are.

Yeah, really?
Yeah!

I just think Broden
would have been a better judge

and I would have been a better worm.

There's no worms in a court.

Well, that's what
you've been saying,

but I just thought
I could have just been a worm

maybe wriggling in one of the pot...

I think your judge is good...
Yeah, the judge is...

(QUIETLY) And, like, just remember,
like, what your teacher said,

like, be true to yourself -
everyone's gonna believe that.

Yeah.
OK.

You guys... I love you boys.

Love you too.
OK. I love you. Thank you.

Bye-bye.
Good luck.

(QUIET CHATTER)
(BANGS GAVEL)

(NORMAL VOICE)
The prosecution will now continue.

Your Honour, I'd like the record
to show that the jury is very cool.

I move to have that comment
stricken from the record.

On what grounds?

He's winning the jury over
with charm!

Your Honour,
I have some soy crisps in my pocket.

Would you like some?
Oh, yes, please.

Oi, give us some soy crisps.
No.

Wh... Your Honour.

This one looks like a C.
(BANGS GAVEL)

The prosecution will share his
soy crisps with the entire court.

As you wish.
Finally, some justice.

Crisp for you.

Oh! Are you getting this down?

I have a job that I have to go to.
So...

We will now hear
the defence's openings.

(QUIETLY) Thank you.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Mes of the jury,

you may be surprised to see me

defending
this here Blueberry Burglar.

Your Honour,
I may not be a smart man...

..but when I look into the eyes
of my client, I s...

When I look into the eyes
of my client,

I see someone who is not guilty.

And does the law not state

that someone must be proven
of their guilt unequivocally,

meritoriously,

without a skerrick of a doubt?!

For if that man...

(QUIETLY) Mark. Mark. Mark.

Pissed your pants.

Ah.

(BANGS GAVEL)

In light
of the pissed-pants situation,

we will now take a brief recess.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(GRUNTS)

I get chips
and I dip it in the ice-cream

like it's sauce, and my mum...

TEACHER: Hey. Hey. Excuse me.

Are you picking someone up?

No.

Have you got a visitor badge
I can see?

Uh... No, no, no, no.
I'm just here with my...

..my friends.

Friends? Like...children?

No, not children. Four...

You didn't see, uh...
four other adults...

No.
..at recess?

Where did you come from?

I came from the cafe. I work there.

Yeah, but, which part of the grounds?
How did you get in?

Oh. I, um...

Well, that's kind of...
kind of from the back.

We kind of came in through, um...

What are you doing
at a primary school?

Uh...

Well, I can...
Wha...

Oh, right. So...

Did you have a...
No, no, no, no.

(TICKING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

This is highly unusual.

Looks like our man's running scared.

(LAUGHS)

If the defence does not get themself
a barrister in the next two minutes,

I will have no recourse
but to bang my hammer!

(DOOR OPENS)

Did somebody say
they needed a barrister?

SONG: # Rake! Rake! Rake! Rake!

# The lawyer from the TV show Rake

# He's on all the docks
But he gets results

# He likes to f*ck
He likes to party

# It's Rake!
It's Rake! Rake! Rake! #

Your Honour,

it's me,

Rake.

Ohh...

(APPLAUSE)

And I'm here to defend
this innocent man.

Oh, I can already tell
he's a f*ck-ton better than Mark.

(QUIET CHATTER)

And then we sort of
rushed out of the cafe,

and then it's recess
in a primary school, right,

and I'd just done
a piss-my-pants bit,

and, so, I wasn't...that's why
I was in the toilet

cleaning all the...
all the piss that was on my pants.

Um... So, I'm just gonna go.
I think...

I'll just tell you to wait here,
mate.

Um...

Don't go anywhere.

Order!

Order!

My little hammer says
there will be order in this court!

Your Honour, let the record show

that, apparently,
Rake is a show on the ABC,

but the character's called
Cleaver Greene,

and it's played by Richard Roxburgh.

So, what level are we going to here?

Well, I don't know, Broden.

But let the record also show

that I am

Rake.

(LAUGHS)
(EXCITED CHATTER)

On the one hand,
you're a bit of a cad,

but on the other hand,
you really are quite charming.

I'll allow it.

(OTHERS CHUCKLE)

Your Honour, we can't just let
characters from other TV shows

waltz in here
and make a mockery of this courtroom

for those who haven't seen Rake
will be mightily confused.

Morpheus is fighting Neo.

Jesus Christ, he's fast.

I can't read this.

(COMPUTERS TRILL)

Yeah. Yeah.

Neither can I.

It's still fun, though.
Yeah, yeah, it's great.

It's good.
It looks cool.

The green is amazing.

And, so, then we comically
sort of transported out of the cafe,

ran out the door of the cafe, and
then ended up in your primary school

and did, like,
a primary-school recess.

And then, um...'cause I'd just done
a peed-my-pants bit,

I went to the bathroom to clean up.
But when I got...

A peed-your-pants bit?

I know how that sounds, but...

Mr Bonanno, I just need you to take
a look at this from my perspective.

Of course. Yeah.

We find you at my school
in the boys' toilets

wearing a strange costume

with no phone
or any kind of identification.

And, like I said,
all of those things

are back at the cafe where I work.

You know, I'm happy to take
what you're saying at face value -

at this time
I have no reason not to believe you -

but I do have a duty of care
to my students.

VOICEOVER: The cases are real.

The blueberries are re...

You claim to have seen my client

stealing blueberries
from the blueberry muffins.

Um... Yeah. Sorry.
Yes, Rake.

But you also claim
to have been using internet

powered by an Italian man
on a bicycle.

Mm-hm, yeah,
he was chasing a salami.

Your Honour,
doesn't that sound silly?

Pretty silly to me, Rake.

No more questions.

I'm sorry, but you were there as
well, Zach. You saw the whole thing.

If you keep speaking rude like that,

I'm gonna have to find you
in contempt of this court.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to contempt it. I didn't...

If you're feeling uncomfortable...
No, no, I'm feeling totally fine.

I just wanted to say sorry because
you've set up a whole thing...

No, I didn't want to play the judge.
I wanted to play a worm.

And they're making me play a judge
right now...

I know. I know you wanted to play
the worm. I thought the worm was...

Your Honour, the prosecution calls
the Right Honourable Zachary Ruane.

(GASPS)
(JURY GASPS)

Oh, Mama.

That is a twist.

That will involve
a quick costume change.

Ohh! (CHORTLES)

Zachy, baby,

you're just a regular business owner
trying to get by, yeah?

You said it.

You can't afford
to have your blueberry muffins

bereft of their blueberries, can you?
No, I cannot.

Does that tarnish your good name?

It tarnishes it in poo.

And isn't poo yuck?

Yes, it is.

Oh!
(QUIET CHATTER)

No further questions.

I friggin' love blueberries so much.

I've stolen them before,
and I'll do it again.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I am Rake.

Excuse me.

Mr Ruane,

are you or are you not

the same Mr Ruane

who is the judge Mr Ruane
presiding over these proceedings?

I...

Are you or are you not?

Well, see...
It's a simple question, Mr Ruane.

Are you the judge
of this shambolic trial? Yes or no?

Objection! Badger on the witness!

Pointing out his duplicity
is hardly badger...

No. There's literally
a badger on the witness.

Oh.

(SCREAMS)

See?
Oh, my God.

Badger on the witness.
Yeah. Badger ON the witness.

Never in my entire legal career.

(BANGS GAVEL) The next person

to bring a badger
into this courtroom

will be found in contempt
of this court. You hear me?!

Now, we've heard two sides
of this blueberry crime,

but we've yet to hear anything
with rhythm and rhyme.

Members of the jury
will decide who's spitting cap,

for the closing arguments

will be performed in rap.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

No, I don't want to do that.

Rake?

Uh... Your Honour, look, as an idea,
I...I believe it has merit

and, yet, uh...it's a really...

..sh*t idea.

No worries.
We'll just do it normally.

Sorry about that.
Yep.

Just trying to have some fun,
but I get it.

(QUIETLY) So, yeah, I mean,
I don't think that there's...

..I don't think
he's gonna do anything bad,

I just thought it'd be best
if we called you both to come in.

DETECTIVE: Yeah, that's fair enough.
Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Hey, mate.

So, we've been able
to confirm your identity.

Do you want to take
your costume off?

Sorry.

We've been able to confirm
your identity

and we had a look at the CCTV,

so, we feel confident
letting you go today.

OK. Great.
Thank you for understanding.

Mm. Just to be clear,

we're taking your word

and we believe your account
of what happened today.

So, having said that,

we've got your name now,

we've got your home address
and your phone number.

So, I'm hoping that I'm not
gonna get a phone call sometime soon

saying I've got to come back here
and see you again.

No. I won't be stepping foot
in a place like this again.

OK. Good.

The school knows you now.
We know you now.

There shouldn't be an issue.
No. I understand.

OK, mate.
Thank you.

Just to be clear, it was a pun on
'recess', how a judge says 'recess'

OK.
and also recess at a primary school

OK.
and that's just why.

Yeah.

You understand.
Yeah.

SONG: # I've been down

# There's a road that... #

And THAT right there...

..is why the defendant

is guilty!

Approach the bench, prosecution?

Yeah.

(QUIETLY) Mm?
(QUIETLY) Is that it?

What?

You... That sent...
That one sentence -

"And that is why
the defendant is guilty" -

is that your whole
closing statement?

I just thought if I did it
with confidence, you could edit in...

If this was a TV show, yeah,
you could edit it in like that,

but it's not.

Mm.

This is real life,
an absurd version of real life,

but real life nonetheless.

Mm, granted. Can I go again?

I don't know.

Please?

Rake?

Mm?

Can he have another go
at the closing statement?

No.

No?
No!

It's not fair, is it?

You wait till you hear mine.
(SNICKERS)

Is it good?
It's really good.

Oh, I can't wait.
It's so good.

To settle a bet -
did you steal the blueberries?

Yeah. Of course.

Alright, see ya, guys. I'll see ya.

And you're doing great.
You're doing really good.

(QUIET CHATTER)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(SILENCE)

(QUIET CHATTER)

Mark, when you went missing,
it was truly bizarre.

Please tell us where you went

by dropping some bars.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
I don't want to do that.

(SWITCHES OFF TAPE-RECORDER)

Just...

Don't worry about it.

No-one wants to f*cking rap.
I just try...

Weird day.

I'd rather not rap, if that's OK.

Alright then. That's fine.
That's OK. That's fine.

I guess we'll just get on
with the trial then.

Um... Defence, we will now hear
your closing statements.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Esteemed members of the jury...

..I am Rake.

Amazing!

That's amazing.
(APPLAUSE)

I could stand here today

and argue that a courtroom run
by baristas rather than barristers

is entirely illegitimate.

Write that barrister-barista bit
down.

(QUIETLY) Rake! Ah!

I could argue that a jury
composed of 12 of the same man

is hardly a fair representation
of society.

Or I could argue

that punishing the Blueberry
Burglar for burgling blueberries

is like...it's like punishing
an anteater

for eating
the very ants it needs for survival.

Hear! Hear!

Now, don't get me wrong,

I love a blueberry muffin
as much as the next lawyer.

And, in fact, I'm gonna have one
for lunch right after this trial.

And I can't wait.

But let me instead say this, folks.

Are we going to really
punish this man, this human being,

for an act...

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Are you stealing my...

f*ck you, Rake.

You piece of...

(JURY GASPS)

(BANGS GAVEL)

The jury will now go to their room

and they will have a think
about what...what the...this.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not surprised.

Not guilty.

Oh, great, Mark.
I can see where this is going.

And...

Guilty?

Yeah.

It was me.

Henry Fonda Mark.

Oh, come on, man! I got tickets
to the ball game tonight!

It's the Clevelands versus the Yank.

Or something.

Members of the jury,
your deliberation is complete.

Deliver your verdict

by rapping over this sick beat.

(SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

(RAPS) # Lady Justice
Put your blindfold away

# Guilty or not guilty

# Today we have a say

# 'Cause it's justice
that we care about

# Don't... # I...

No, I was wrong.

I was wrong. Move on. Do it normal.
I... Was it something I did?

No, you guys are great.
It was my... It was me.

OK.
I just...

Just do it normal.
Just do it normal.

I liked it.

Shut up.

In the case of the Crown
versus the Blueberry Burglar

on the charge
of stealing blueberries,

we find the defendant

guilty.

(SPECTATORS GASP)

Blueberry Burglar ...

..I sentence you to death
by lethal injection.

(SPECTATORS GASP)

Jesus Christ, Zach!

Well, you... I didn't...
This was... This was Broden's idea.

He was the one that said it,
and I didn't want to be the judge.

I would have happily been a worm
out the back, wriggling around,

and here I am having to k*ll a guy.
More about the worm...

Nah, f*ck this.
f*ck you, the lot of you. I'm off.

It's lethal injection.
Ah, right.

Ooh! Ohh!

Ooh...

Ohh...yeah.

Ah. Ohh!

Whoa!

Ohh!

Ohh! Yay-yay!

Oh, no. Agh.

Na-na-na-na.

Mmm. And that's a good blueberry.

Ouchie. Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.

(BABBLES)

Wow, that worked quickly.

Mm.
Yeah.

That's why you can always rely
on good old-fashioned bl...

Blueberry juice?!

Argh!

Agh!
(SCREAMS)

Agh! What have we done?!

Argh! (GRUNTS)

A-a-a-a-a-rgh!

I'm Blueberry Burglar

and I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.

(ALL SCREAM)

How did this happen?!

Oh, man, the internet is sick.
Mm.

Oh, what are youse watching?

Ready Steady Cook highlights.
Oh, I love that show.

If this show was on, I was watching
it. Never missed an episode.

Wow.

Yeah. Were you guys
Team Tomato or Team Capsicum?

What do you mean?

I was Team Tomato.

I... I think you just sort of
picked your favourite dishes

and then you'd use
tomato or capsicum to vote.

Yeah.

No, Team Tomato - ride or die.

I was Team Capsicum.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey!
Take it back!

What are you doing, man?
Take it back!

I was Team Tomato!

Oh, you were Team Tomato?
Yeah!

Oh, great. Me too.

VIDEO: Thank you so much
for being on the show.

We've got some gifts for you
from all of us at Ready Steady Cook.

(ROARS)
Somebody stop him!

Don't worry, Mark!
Rake's got his rake!

Oh, yeah!

Get away.

Stop it.
Somebody stop him!

(ALL SCREAM)

Argh!

(ROARS)

Oh, God, he's returning!

Argh!
(ALL SCREAM)

Hey! Watch it.

Hey, b*tch.

Hey, hey, hey. Agh. He's too strong.

His power is too strong
against my an*s.

Rake, get him with your rake again!

This is the worst day I've ever had.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

(SINGS) # I hate this!

# This is not my day

# You looking at me, Broden

# Get out of my way... #

Oh, no. My hairline's showing.

Agh! No.

Take Michelle!
No! No, don't take me.

Oh, my God, don't! I'm shy! I'm shy!

(BOTH LAUGH)

I knew this day would come.
I knew this day would come.

(SINGS) # A-a-a-a-a-ah...

(SINGS) # A-a-a-a-a-ah... #

Tune in next week,
and everyone have a blue...

..everyone have a blueberry
in their mouth.

Have a blueberry Christmas.
Rake! Get him with your rake!

Agh!