Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy (2025)

[bunniefuu]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

So late!

Mabel's put a scarf on the cat.

He's not a cat.

He's my husband.

Where is he?

Will he bring the ladies

with the big boobies?

"Ladies"?

Last time, he brushed

my hair with a fork.

There were three ladies,

and they had an epic pillow fight.

- The fork had maple syrup on it.

- Out of the way, darling.

Well,

it's obvious he's not coming,

so I'll just stay home.

You said this was the one thing you

had to leave the house for this year.

You're right. I'm going.

Move, please, Mabes.

f*ck... caccia.

Did we eat the focaccia?

Well,

we haven't got any vegetables.

But lucky you, you get to have

frozen peas. Mmm.

All right. Come to the table.

Come on.

One, two...

What am I going to do

when I get to three?

Please enter alarm code.

Oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck!

- Please enter alarm code.

- No! Don't put the flames out.

- We can toast marshmallows.

- Please enter alarm code.

Please...

The tension of our bodies,

the scars of...

Hello, Moto.

...in... in our longing.

Bridget Jones, always exciting.

- How's the skirt?

- Daniel, hi.

Just checking you have indeed

forgotten about tonight.

That is hurtful, Jones.

I have absolutely not forgotten.

No.

I'm so sorry. It's my mother.

- She's in the hospital.

- Oh.

- Primordial sweat.

- I will be there

quicker than it took me to bring

you to earth-shattering orgasm,

you filthy little harlot.

Love you, Mummy.

"Mummy"?

Darling, clever Geminita.

I'm gonna have to rush.

It's a family emergency.

But I am loving this one.

I think... I think we all are,

aren't we?

Call me later, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I am imminent, Jones. Imminent.

Un-bunch those giant panties.

Bloody zip

manufacturers should be

cancelled for sociological bias.

It is actually impossible

to do this on your own.

Help.

Ooh. Thank you, monkeys.

Uncle Daniel!

Miniature Darcy,

what's the news?

Where are the ladies

with the big...

Hair?

They couldn't make it, sadly.

They're, um...

They're washing their hair.

All three?

Yeah, well, they wash each

other's, you see.

I thought you said

no more models.

Geminita is not a model, Jones.

She is a poet and a healer,

and a model.

Come here.

Hell of a night for you.

Ugh, I can't go.

The children need me.

Uncle Daniel!

You. Right.

Get a fork and some syrup.

I'm gonna style you.

- I found the cards.

- Very good. Excellent.

Now then, we need to work on

your bluffing and your cheating.

Life has its white notes...

and life has its black notes.

You look very beautiful tonight,

Mrs Darcy.

Not looking so bad yourself,

Mr Darcy.

Bridget.

Very black notes.

Jolly good. Come in. Weather's

been a bit shitty, hasn't it?

- Though the cricket this year has been...

- Jeremy.

...absolutely phenomenal.

This is what happened.

Mark Darcy, my husband,

father to Billy and Mabel,

died.

Or rather, was k*lled

in the Sudan on

a humanitarian mission.

- Everybody's just upstairs.

- Thanks.

And that was four

years ago. Today, actually.

Brace yourself.

It's a total f*cking sh*t show.

And even though there might be

600,000 words in the human language,

the world still struggles

to find the right ones

when someone you love is gone.

Bridget, how are the children?

- Mmm.

- Are they...

Are they all right without

you there?

No. It's fine.

Left them some crystal meth

in the kitchen.

Maybe not.

Well, we don't make a thing

about it.

We celebrate Mark's birthday

instead.

Oh.

So, Bridget, still on your own?

It's been four years now.

You're still in pretty

good nick. Why no chap?

Now, now. It's not Bridget's fault.

Very hard, being a middle-aged woman

- and finding yourself single.

- Mmm.

Better if you're a bloke.

Look at Binko Carruthers.

He's no oil painting,

but the second Rosemary died,

he was inundated.

Of course, they were all of a certain age,

though, weren't they?

Sorry, do you realise

you said that out loud?

Hmm?

"A certain age"?

What, do you mean our age?

- That is the most...

- Shazzer now hosts

a podcast calledFed Up,

in which she has dinner

with minor celebrities

while basically getting furious

about everything.

...sexist f*cking universe

we, unbelievably,

still continue

to f*cking inhabit.

I need to go to the toilet.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, Jude.

Yeah, I'm with her now.

Well, Shaz, tell her

to come to The Golden c*ck.

No, no, no. The party.

It's for Mark.

That's not a party.

That's a f*cking bin fire.

And you think that Mark would

want you to stay here and be insulted

in the f*cking sexism Olympics?

To Mark.

- And to Bridget...

- Aw.

...and the rare pleasure

of seeing you

- in something not made

of terry towelling.

Tom, still living

handsomely off

his one hit single

which had a comeback recently in a

30-second video of a dog doing maths.

Now, of all things,

a life coach.

Honestly, I'd say it was

a bit of a breakthrough,

speaking as your psychologist.

You're not my psychologist.

Well, I should be, yes.

According to the classic model,

you've actually made it

to the fourth stage

- of the five stages of grief.

- Wait. Isn't it seven stages?

What are you talking about,

Jude? No, it isn't. It's five stages.

- Isn't it five?

- Well, I always thought it was four.

It's definitely seven.

Jude, now CEO or COO

or CTO,

definitely a C-something-O,

still regularly calling, in tears,

from executive bathroom.

So, um, only one stage to

go now, Bridge.

- Oh.

- Stage five.

It's acceptance,

which basically means

- you just have to get laid.

- Oh, my God. Shazzer's right.

Yes. I mean, honestly, darling,

look at yourself.

You've become

a born-again virgin.

If you don't get laid soon,

your vag*na will literally reseal itself.

Yeah, and that is a thing.

It's called labial adhesion.

Oh, my God!

I knew leaving the kitchen was

a mistake.

I don't want anyone else.

And even if I did,

which I don't,

I'm non-viable,

completely asexual,

and nobody will

ever fancy me again.

- Ever, ever, ever.

- No. No, no, no.

And I'm going to the toilet.

Crash and burn.

That was a disaster.

Well, that was

a f*cking disaster.

Crikey. Have we been burgled?

We have not

been burgled, Jones. No.

We have been marvellous.

Now, tell me this.

For Tonya, do we think a kitten

heel or a chunky wedge?

She's going to Wimbledon.

Wedge, obviously.

You may be right.

How was it? Any fun? Any tongue?

Ugh. God. No tongue.

I have hung up my tongue.

How were they?

Well, the girl is you.

Lawless, romantic,

irresistibly drawn to me.

Asked me if I was going

to be her new daddy.

She does that.

Yeah. Wouldn't go to bed

until I'd married her rabbit.

- Hmm.

- Which I was very happy to do.

That rabbit is not

at all unfanciable.

Hmm.

And Billy?

Well, Billy is Darcy, isn't he?

Still waters and all that.

As it happens, Jones, your son

and I have a number

of shared interests.

Oh, God. Like what?

Models.

He showed me his,

I showed him mine.

- Hmm.

- And then we... we talked about death.

Did you?

Yeah.

I told him being dead was sh*t.

And that I should know

because I was for a bit.

And then, uh...

I gave him a hug

'cause he seemed a bit sad.

And then that made me sad

because...

How is your boy?

Enzo's, what? He's...

Uh, f*ck knows, Jones.

Fifteen, I think.

Anyway, we then cheered ourselves

up by digging out the c*ck shaker,

and I taught him how

to make a Dirty b*tch.

Saved it for you.

It's in the fridge.

Goody. Have it for breakfast.

Yeah, hello, hello,

hello, hello.

Geminita.

Yeah, we're all done. All done.

I'm on my way.

Well, as quick as I can.

Yes, like naughty old moth

to eager young flame.

No, you hang up first.

And... Ok, kiss you back.

- Yeah, ok. Louder.

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

f*ck off, Jones.

Ok, they're asleep.

Um...

...it did take a bit of time.

But I... Actually I showed them

a video of Geminita

reciting one of her prose poems

and they were out like a light.

All right.

What happens now?

I'm trying to remember how it

worked with our babysitters.

I think you give me 20 quid

and try and shag me, don't you?

Ah, Daniel, dear Daniel.

At least some things

never change.

It makes me sad though, Jones.

You know...

two children and you all alone

and effectively a nun.

Albeit, of course,

a very, very naughty nun.

Bye, Daniel.

Yeah.

Thanks for tonight.

Yeah.

Why are these lights still on?

I thought you two were asleep.

Do you miss Dada sometimes?

I miss him all of the times.

There's my owl.

Back to bed. Come on.

- Story, Mama?

- Mm-hmm.

For the baby princess is

as kind as she is fair.

And the baby prince is as gentle

as he is handsome.

And wherever they go

and whatever they do,

Mummy and Daddy

will always love them.

And Saliva.

She stinks, Mabes.

Oh!

- Good night, darling.

- Good night, Mama.

Good night.

And all the thoughts...

And all the thoughts

are going away.

They don't need little Billy

and Mabel tonight.

The world

will turn without them.

The stars

will shine without them.

And all little Billy and Mabel

need to do is rest and sleep.

Good night.

Night.

Good night, Billy.

- Do the song, Daddy. Please.

- Ok.

I'll do anything

For you, dear

Anything

For you mean everything

To me

All by myself 47.

Shitballs.

No. c*ck-bollocking

f*ck-bubbles!

Literally everyone

else in the whole country

is laughing uproariously

with their partners

while watching Netflix

and having sex.

You don't want to wallow in it,

darling.

And there they are again.

All the voices, all the advice.

You gotta wallow in it, Bridge.

Wallow.

Grieve. G-R-E-I-V-E.

It's I-E. It's not E-I.

No, it's, "I before E

except after C."

Yes, exactly.

God, you really are such

a T-W-T-A.

A what?

The thing about advice is,

no one tells you

the same thing twice.

Bridget, you've got

to put the children first.

Uh-huh. Thank you,

Magda. Yes.

Put the children first.

Sod the children.

Put your own oxygen mask

on first.

Right. Oxygen mask.

Got it.

One thing's for certain, Bridge.

- Forget about sex.

- Oh.

Ok.

No sex.

You need to have a lot of sex.

Yeah. Why don't you come back

to work?

Thank you, Richard.

I'll bear that in mind.

But as my dad said

just before he died,

the big question is...

Can you survive?

I think so.

I have to.

I'm trying.

It's not enough to survive.

You've got to live.

Is that the Dalai Lama?

It's Harry Styles, I think.

Colin.

- Is that a sausage?

- What sausage?

Bridget, you know what the

doctor said about saturated fats.

Pam, could you take a photograph

of us? Me and Bridget.

Um...

Colin, try not to do that with

your chin.

I'm not doing anything with

my chin.

Promise me you'll live, Bridget.

Smile!

Bridget Jones,

it's time to live.

I know when to go out

Know when to stay in

Get things done

I catch a paper boy

But things

Don't really change

I'm standing in the wind

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try

I try

Never gonna fall for

Modern love

Walks beside me

Modern love

Walks on by

Modern love

Gets me to

The church on time

Church on time

Terrifies me

Church on time

Makes me party

Church on time

Puts my trust in God and man

God and man

No confession

God and man

No religion

God and man

Don't believe in modern love

It's not really work

It's just the power to charm

I'm still standing in

The wind

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try

I try

Never gonna fall for

Modern love

Walks beside me

Modern love

Walks on by

Modern love

Gets me to the church

On time

Modern love...

Right.

You've got your pencil case,

your lunch, your homework?

- Your keys?

- Ooh.

Well,

you've definitely got your

recorder so that's good.

Your lovely picture of

a spaceship.

It's a cat.

Oh, yes.

Of course it is, darling.

What paints did you use?

I used the lipsticks with

the C's on them.

- Oh. So creative.

- Handbag?

Oh, f*ck a duck.

Hello, Billy.

Morning.

Hello, Mabel.

Morning, Bridget.

Hi.

Just the usual crap.

Are you going to be

my new daddy?

- No, Mum!

- No! Mum!

When I signed up

for having children,

I did not sign up to be ruled by

a gaggle of computer crackheads.

Well, guess what?

I've had you,

I've brought you up,

and I've changed my mind!

No!

No, no, no!

Don't you touch those or I'll

f*cking enter you in Squid Game.

Here, darling.

- Come, come.

- Mum!

Why don't we ever say hello?

Oh.

Important life lesson, darling.

Never meet your heroes.

Starting today,

will not set things on fire,

will responsibly reset passwords

not to include the word "f*ck,"

and will not be frightened

of the school mums...

Hi.

...in particular,

Perfect Nicolette...

...with her perfect twins.

Move the car! There's no parking

in front of the school.

- How are you?

- What?

I-I thought you were in LA.

- Right.

- Mr Walliker?

Mr Walliker, Eros tells me he hasn't been

selected for the choir for some reason.

- Correct.

- Well, how can that be?

Because he can't sing. Anything else,

Mrs Soltani-Watkins?

Mr Walliker, if you have failed to

recognise Eros's obvious talents,

- that's hardly his fault.

- It's really quite simple.

The choir, like everything else

in nature, is chosen on merit.

Yeah, natural selection.

If Eros wants to put in the work,

he's welcome to audition again.

- If you'll excuse me.

- Bike!

Bike! Not there. Not there.

Who's that?

Oh. New science teacher.

Mr Walliker.

Instant hero.

Unbelievably rude.

He's awful.

Move along, please. Right away!

You two! This isn't a stroll on

the heath.

You don't see me unfolding deck chairs

and unwrapping sandwiches, do you?

Move it inside!

It's choir in eight minutes.

Mr Walliker. Hello.

I don't believe we've met.

I'm Billy Darcy's mum.

The boy about to be diagnosed

with tinnitus.

The whistle is

an essential tool, Mrs Darcy.

Mmm. An essential tool?

What an apt description.

Eros! Atticus!

If you're late, you will regret

it for the rest of your days.

Sorry, sir!

No!

She'll be back later.

We have a doctor's appointment.

I've got worms!

Why is your granny

wearing pyjamas?

That went well.

"G-O-N-O"...

That's lovely, darling.

- "R-H"...

- There you go.

One tablet a day for

the entire family,

and if her itching doesn't stop,

I suggest you get rid of that cat.

Have you got some help yet?

I know it doesn't look it,

but really,

- I've got it all in hand.

- No, it doesn't look it.

Apart from anything else,

I'm a gynaecologist, not a paediatrician.

And whilst I'm happy to step in,

you do take my point.

If you say "oxygen mask" to me again,

I will hit you with this handbag.

I am not afraid of handbags.

You need something else to do.

You need a reason

to get out of those pyjamas.

Well, fashion's never

really been your thing.

- Rude.

- Pyjamas are all the rage in Milan.

Bridget, in spite of all objective

evidence to the contrary,

you are a bright, talented,

brilliant woman.

And my professional advice

to you is this.

- You need...

- No. No, no, no.

Please don't tell me to go

and have sex.

Oh, good Lord, no.

No.

Read a book.

Clean out the kitchen drawers.

Leave the pink bits

well enough alone.

You'll be ready when

you're ready.

No, my professional advice

to you is this:

Go back to work.

And how's your love life?

On fire.

"Sy-P-Lis."

- Mmm.

- Syphilis. Mabel, Syphilis.

Syphilis.

Mmm. Very good. Very good.

And there's some delicious

vegetarian alternatives here too.

Floods, fires and famine.

As the world teeters on the

edge of climate catastrophe,

sausages aren't the only thing

we are grilling today.

Environment Secretary Sarah

Givens joins us after the break.

Hi.

Oh, thank God you picked up.

What's the matter?

They've got the bloody Environment

Secretary on in 45 seconds

and they've got me asking her

questions about bloody tea bags.

"What's the best way to recycle

tea bags?"

"Can you clean surfaces

with tea"...

I need you, Bridget!

Ok. Uh...

Ask her...

Ask her why there were no

tax breaks for renewable energy

- in last week's budget.

- Brilliant.

She'll fob you off with some

crap about economic constraints

and then you nail her on oil and gas

companies ring-fencing their profits.

- Yes, I do.

- She'll flap!

And then you nuke her arse on

the government's support for fracking.

Ooh.

I fracking love you,

Bridget Jones.

- Hi, Bridge.

- Yes!

Oh, oh, oh! Do try to find out

about the tea bags though.

- Love you. Bye. Bye.

- Love you. Bye!

Welcome back.

Our next guest is

Environment Secretary

Sarah Givens.

Sarah, budget,

tax breaks, fracking.

Justify.

And no fob-off!

Could you please put me through

to Richard Finch's office?

My name's Bridget Jones.

Yeah. I'll hold. Thanks.

Billy,

I want to watch SpongeBob.

Billy, come off that, please.

You've had your screen time.

One, two...

But, Mummy, it's Sunday.

No.

Can I watch SpongeBob?

May I watch SpongeBob.

Yes?

No, you've got to say,

"may I," not "can I."

May I watch SpongeBob?

- No.

- But, Mummy!

No, no, no, no.

No more screens, either of you.

Screens have been proven to

shorten attention spans and...

Ooh!

No.

Will you come and practise

cricket with me in the garden?

Mummy really needs to work,

darling. Why don't you play with Mabel?

She refuses to hit the ball. She

says she feels sorry for Ball-y.

Ball-y.

Darling, please go and play

cricket with Billy.

I may not!

Is it too much to ask to get some

bloody peace all by my bloody self

for five bloody minutes?

Internet's down!

I want to watch SpongeBob.

Tell Billy it's my turn.

- Mummy!

- I don't want to be a mummy right now.

You had it for ages!

I didn't even

have it today. It's my turn!

Mummy!

There's no Internet!

I just want to sit down

in echoing silence on my own

for one moment.

- Mummy! Mummy!

- Just shut up!

Shark bait!

Come and get it!

Okay. You asked for it!

Miranda?

All right, Bridge?

What're you doing here?

So I was reading the newspaper

in Soho House

and it was so, so quiet,

you know?

I just miss all this.

Off milk, stuff, clutter,

children, life.

Plenty of that here.

You don't have any champagne.

Top tip:

Always keep a cold

bottle of champagne

in the fridge for emergencies.

That's excellent advice.

Cards on the table,

I'm thinking

of unfreezing my eggs.

Apparently,

everyone is going to Denmark

to get sperm.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

But I want what you have.

All of this.

But Soho House and Sunday

papers and cold champagne...

You're free, Bridge.

You're liberated from

the tyranny of this.

Do you know how many

dating apps I use?

Could you look sexy?

Well, I mean...

I might still brush up ok

given enough time.

No, I mean for this photo.

I've set you up on Tinder.

- What?

- You're welcome.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Well, I've popped you down as a widow.

It's so much more romantic

and singular.

We all agree it's what you need.

What's Tinder?

It's...

such a lovely day.

Who wants to, um,

go to the heath?

- No, I don't wanna go!

- No, SpongeBob!

Oh, ok. That's no problem.

Uh, sure.

Um, you stay here,

and I'll just, uh, take these

chocolate buttons. Ooh!

- Let's go, nutters!

- Can't wait!

Children and fresh air

and white chocolate buttons.

I feel like Julie Andrews!

Oh! I just got matched

with someone.

Sorry, Mabel, could you just

get off, actually,

'cause you're k*lling my back.

Uh, he's on a street corner...

in a van.

- He looks like Jason Statham...

- Mmm.

...if you squint.

In a bit, Bridge.

Bye, kids. See you.

- Bye!

- Bye.

Oh, how everything calms down

once you're outside in blue skies

turning the children into

biddable lemurs.

Will obviously

delete Tinder immediately.

But perhaps

a very quick look first.

Keith?

Who are you, Keith?

Feel suddenly exposed to whole

new world hiding in plain sight

like Narnia through back

of wardrobe,

but with lion

and witch shagging.

Mummy!

Mabel's stuck up the tree!

- How'd she get up there?

- Mummy!

Coming!

Okay.

No, it's... it's all right.

- I can't get down either.

- It's all right. I'm here.

Uh.

Billy. Is that you?

Oh, no. It's Mr Walliker.

Everything all right, Mrs Darcy?

Yep. Super.

Just climbing a tree.

I can see that.

Having fun?

Yes. Yeah, this is really fun.

- You sure you don't need a hand?

- No, no.

As Einstein said,

"What goes up must come down."

- Newton.

- Yes.

Newton.

We're going to die!

No, we're not going to die.

We're having fun.

We are definitely going to die.

Clearly you've got this

nicely in hand.

Look, there's a policeman.

Oh, my God.

I've climbed a magical man tree.

- Are you stuck?

- Yes!

No.

- Do they need help?

- Apparently not.

So, I'll... I'll be off then.

Bye-bye.

Okay. I'll be off too.

Don't go away.

No, seriously.

Don't go away.

Hang on. I'm coming.

Okay. Coming up.

Uh...

Hello.

Okay, just... Hang on.

Hello.

Hi, mate.

- Hi, what's your name?

- Mabel.

- Mabel.

- I can't jump down.

Okay. Well, you sit down there.

You get comfy, and I'm gonna go

down there and catch you, ok?

- Okay, you ready?

- Yeah.

Three, two, one, go!

- I did it!

- I've got you. Well done.

All right, big man. Your turn.

Okay. You got this, mate.

There we go.

- Next foot.

- That's it, darling.

And I've got you.

Okay, Mum.

Okay.

There we go.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- You all right?

- Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Uh, I'm Roxby.

But you can call me Roxster.

Bridget Jones.

But you can call her Mummy.

Hmm. Okay.

Oh.

I think this is yours.

Thanks.

Anything else I can help with?

God, yes.

No.

Okay.

It's nice to meet you, Roxy.

It's Roxster.

You too, Bridget Jones.

Now obsessed

with tree-rescuing Adonis

and reentering world of flirting

simultaneously with workforce.

- Mrs Darcy.

- Mr Walliker.

Weapon at the ready, I see.

Good to see you managed to

extricate yourself from that tree.

Oh,

yes. It's the children's favourite game.

We're completely obsessed

with the outdoors in our house.

Well, I'll have to put you down for

our Outward Bound trip next term.

Sounds like it'd be right up

your street.

f*cking f*ck.

Yeah. Good.

Do you have my slime?

I promised I'd show Cosmata.

Oh.

Hey, those are mine.

Give them to me.

They are actually hers.

Well, in that case...

Bridget!

You're dressed properly.

Odd.

Heading to a meeting.

Thinking about going back to

my old job.

Oh, a job. Oh, I'll put you down

for Jobs Day then.

f*cking f*ck f*ck f*ck.

Yes, absolutely.

Celestine,

merci. C'est gentil.

Actually, do you mind

tidying this up a little bit?

Sure.

Uh, what about the children?

Do you have a nanny?

Not yet.

Oh, I've got the perfect person.

She's excellent.

She's very pretty, but that

doesn't matter, Bridget,

because you don't have

a husband,

so it's absolutely immaterial

how pretty and perfect she is.

- Sounds good.

- There we go.

- Francesca.

- Sorry.

Wonderful.

It's nothing.

I just threw it together.

Ah.

Bridget? Your donation?

You didn't forget?

No.

Certainly not.

Uh, let's see.

Here we are.

Hummus.

And, uh...

Rice cakes.

And look, they've even been

opened already.

Lovely.

Ah. Her name's Chloe,

and she'll be with you at 6:30.

Raef! India! Get inside.

That's enough chatting.

Bridget Jones.

Thank you.

Four.

Four.

- Three.

- Three.

Thank you.

This is Bridget Jones about to

go into an actual

in-person meeting.

- Brenda Jones?

- Oh, actually, it's...

Bridget Jones, there you are.

Excellent. Quick, come with me.

- Thank you, Lizzie.

- Thanks.

Good to see ya.

How have you been?

You look hot.

Oh. Thank you, Richard.

But I think you'll find that sort

of language is a little outmoded

- in the workplace.

- No, I mean flustered.

Are you going through the, uh,

you know?

Bridget, let me introduce you

to Talitha.

Richard, what am I

supposed to do with this, huh?

Does it climb?

Does it stand on one leg?

Does it do cartwheels? It's a

tortoise. It doesn't do anything.

He can't pull out.

Who the f*ck does he think he is?

Arrogant, self-important prick.

Tell that selfish arsehole

he can rot in hell.

The Dalai Lama's cancelled.

Twat. sh*t.

Okay, we've got an hour

till we're on air.

We need a replacement.

Let me make a call.

I do Krav Maga with Fergie.

Duchess or Black Eyed Pea?

Duchess. She could be here

in 45.

Talitha, meet Bridget Jones.

Best producer we've ever had.

Oh.

I'm sure you're very good too.

Huge fan.

Hold this.

Loved your early work

from Chechnya.

Now I'm doing features

on incontinent tortoises.

Fergie.

Are those glutes burning up?

Hello.

- Hey. Sorry.

- Right.

Uh, right. Let's get rid

of this set, please, now!

So, what do you think?

Can we lure you back?

Fergie's in.

Does anyone know how to

get tortoise piss out of silk?

Blotting and mild detergent.

When can I start?

Am rejoining ranks

of London's employed

and meaningfully contributing

to society.

Can walk with head held high and

be role model for Billy and Mabel,

saving them from otherwise certain

future as alcoholic wards of the state.

It's super that the

television's invited you back.

Of course, I always stayed

at home when you were little.

Classic Mum.

Can't really talk, Mum.

I've got to tidy up

before the nanny gets here.

A nanny? Really?

Mummy doesn't love us anymore.

Ow!

Ever since Mum and Una

moved into Audsley House,

the retirement home

we have to pretend is a hotel,

the phone calls

have been the same.

Any men on the horizon, Bridget?

Well, there's got to be someone.

Some people don't mind a widow.

Stings a bit.

Beggars can't

be choosers, Bridget.

And now, look, we're in

the hotel kitchen

doing salmon in the sous vide.

I mean, it's basically

boil-in-the-bag,

but everybody's doing it

these days.

Roxster.

Definite development.

Cooking's never really

been your thing.

Oh, must go. Bye, Mum!

Bye, bye.

Oh, God, it's her.

Hi, I'm Chloe.

Hello.

What the actual f*ck?

She looks like a film star.

Chloe, this is Mabel.

Look, I can play the recorder

with my nose.

Children, this is Chloe.

She's going to come

and help with everything.

Nicolette mentioned it would

be a challenge,

- but I've certainly seen worse.

- Oh.

Oh, and this is Billy,

the science genius.

Ooh, we mustn't pigeonhole

children. It adds undue pressure.

Have you read How to Raise

a Self-Driven Child?

Oh, yes. It's on my list,

so do not spoil the ending.

Oh, not to worry, Billy.

It's not about the result.

It's about the journey.

There's something to learn

whether you get an A or a C.

Billy has never had a C in...

Who did this?

Mr Walliker.

I drew the earth and the atmosphere,

and I put heaven over the top.

And Mr Walliker said that heaven

was a religious construct.

And he gave me a C.

Well, Mr Walliker

is a whistle-obsessed fascist

with all the soul of

a non-stick wok.

Where did you hide

the chocolate digestives?

I didn't hide...

...anything.

Well, plenty to do here.

If my body was a boat

Could you steer that, sailor?

Make it feel like it's a

1960s Hollywood trailer...

Consumed with guilt

re hideously perfect nanny,

who children will obviously come

to love more than hopeless mother

without film star hair.

Ooh, it's what I need

Yes, 'cause

I could love you

If I really wanted to

You could be

Be my glass of wine

When the sun set

Help me exhale all the excess

Baby, bae, bae

Baby, would you

Would you make it all right?

Or maybe that much better?

If you wanted

You could make it

All worth it, worth it

Worth it, worth it

Ooh, when I see the sun rising

You make it that much better

So I hope you're gonna make it

All worth it, worth it...

And texting Roxster

slowly became part of my life.

A relationship with no

necessity for actually meeting,

or arrangements, or sex,

or any real life at all.

- In other words,

the perfect relationship.

Is that the tree Adonis?

Wait a minute.

You wrote to him,

"How are you liking Tinder?"

Inoffensive, neutral,

a bit dull.

He replied, "Don't know, only joined

it to find you, Bridget Jones."

- Shag him now.

- Mm-mmm.

Then he sent a smiley emoji

and then you responded

with the flag of Greece,

an abacus and a duck.

I panicked.

Thank you.

Who's next?

Do you want to go for a drink?

I'm so flattered.

Um, but I've got a boyfriend.

Well, sort of got a boyfriend.

I think.

Um, so nice of you to ask,

but, um...

no, thank you.

No, it's part of the meal deal.

Well, this one's easy.

You absolutely must go.

Obviously.

But we've been texting for so

long now. I can't meet him.

I mean, maybe it's like

in Jane Austen's day

when they did letter writing

for months and months

and then suddenly

just got married.

Bridget, sexting a man

that you just met in a park

is nothing like

Jane Austen's day.

- If you don't shag him, I will.

- I can't.

There is no possibility of being

naked with a man at this point in my life.

You just need a little rebrand.

You'll start by getting a slip.

- A slip?

- Yeah, with a slip,

you can show off your arms,

your legs, your dcolletage,

which are always the last to go.

And keep the central area,

which one might want to gloss

over, glossed over.

And get a Brazilian.

God, no.

I like a bit

of coverage down there.

Or run a comb through it

at least.

But also, do get a Brazilian.

Just dust it. Dust it down.

Okay, I'll go!

But I'm not going to sleep

with him.

Are condoms

meant to be coloured?

Is hypersensitive good?

Large? Small? Oh.

Maybe just purchase

a representative selection.

Regular.

Mmm, exotic flavours.

Thin feel.

Extra-large.

Pleasure Me.

Lube.

Pleasure Me again.

Enjoy your weekend, Mrs Darcy.

Hello, old friend.

Hmm.

Thanks for having

the kids tonight.

Always a pleasure,

never a chore.

I'll take them to

school in the morning.

So you can stay out as late

as you want.

Make up for four years of

no shagging.

It's only a drink.

Too see-through?

Mmm. Definitely.

Ok.

How about this?

Ok.

The reality suddenly

completely terrifying,

and Mark, and insane and flabby.

And oh, God, oh, God.

I can't.

- I really can't.

- Oh. What? What?

- No, I just can't.

- Aw. Hey, you can.

You just need to think of it as

widening your circle of friends.

That's all.

Hmm?

Come on.

Put on the dress,

get out of here

and widen your f*cking circle.

Oh, God. Look at him.

What if he's perfect?

Hello.

Hi.

There's a really great place around

here that's been here for forever.

Do you know this area at all?

Mmm, I used to.

Yeah, the, uh, Heath Ranger

thing is just a day job.

And my real passion is garbage.

Really?

The technical term

is garbologist.

I'm a biochemist.

Studying to be one.

You're a student.

A late-in-life one, anyway.

Yeah.

How late?

I'm 28.

I'm just kidding.

I'm 29.

f*ck.

Is he closer in age to me

or to Billy?

What about you?

You are...

Slightly older.

I'm gonna say 35-ish.

Yes.

Bull's-eye.

Let's say 35.

- Mmm. Thirty-five it is.

- Mm-hmm.

Is 35 all right?

I think older women,

ever so slightly older women,

have a wiser view on life.

You know,

they're more experienced

and more emotionally mature.

Me in a nutshell.

I find that very attractive.

Oh, God. I have no idea how

any of this works anymore.

Is it all right if I kiss you?

Aw.

The generation who ask.

I think

that would be acceptable.

Give me just one moment.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Put your hand down, boy

Welcome to my zoo

Put your head inside

My big, black wild while

I can still help you

See the snake-baboon

Funky, chic and smooth

Honey, can you spy

The divine ape-swine

'Cause he can see you

I...

You all right?

Yeah. It's just...

Yeah. Okay.

Wow. It's really tight.

I'm a man

I'm a twisted fool

My hands are twisted, too...

I am an animal...

Oh, God.

...that starts with E

- Mabel's.

- Ah.

I'm a man

I'm a twisted fool

My hands are twisted too

Five fingers

Two black hooves

You make me so hard, baby.

You make me hard.

What?

Got toes and I can smile

I'm crooked but upright

How did that happen?

I'm using protection.

La, la, la, la

Whoo

I'm so nine-to-five

- Hi, Bridge.

- Morning.

I've got coffee

and I've got Ricky Gervais's

requests for today's show.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

- It's big.

- Yeah.

- A relaxation corner.

- Uh-huh.

Three full-length mirrors.

And he'll only use La Mer

for some reason?

I know.

- Ooh. Three, please.

- Three.

Did you have sex last night?

What? No.

Won't you take a hold of me

Sam! Ricky Gervais is

on his way in.

And, apparently, he won't drink

Evian, only Icelandic water.

And it's got to have lots

of alkalines.

Or no alkalines.

Um...

Did you have sex last night?

What? No!

La, la, la, la

God!

Tape measure, please. Quick.

The cushion can't be more than 40

centimetres from the floor for Ricky.

Did you have sex last night?

Yes. I did. Okay?

I did.

I had a full night of

utterly mind-blowing sex

with a tree-rescuing

rubbish expert Adonis

who might be

slightly younger, probably.

And it was amazing!

Okay?

So what?

Lost in romance

Let's just dance, ooh

Shake it till the pearls

Get lost

La, la, la, la

Am not only mother

and sexual being,

but also capable working woman

at the top of her game.

So take that, Chloe.

I've done the macaroni and cheese,

but with butternut squash instead.

It's in the bottom oven. Just needs to

move to the top in about 20 minutes.

Good. Good. Right.

It's just how I would do it.

Um... Oh, Chloe,

uh, it would be really helpful

to have their water bottles done

the night before.

In the fridge. Top right.

Where the expired milk was.

Oh, great. Great. Um...

Billy will need something extra

for snack tomorrow.

- He's got...

- Cricket, yeah.

In a snack bag. Labelled.

By the bread bin.

- We have a bread bin?

- I have to leave, I'm afraid.

Graham and I have tai chi

on Thursdays.

6:45 sharp, but earlier

to get the spot you want.

Oh. 'Course.

You and Graham enjoy

your tai chi.

Oh, you forgot to leave out

Billy's cricket things,

but never mind. I'll do it.

Bag packed by the door.

Nevertheless,

secret to calmer,

happier parenting:

One-night stands.

Although,

it wasn't just one night.

Brought a pie.

Hmm.

That was funny.

And so,

a moment turned into a date,

which turned into a kiss.

Which turned into a night.

Ooh

What a wonderful thing...

And the night

turned into a summer.

I can see

You standing there now

And you're

The prettiest thing

In the crowd

And guess who

Be laughing loud, but me

You made me see the love

That you're giving me

Baby...

Won't you hold my hand?

Just let me know that

I'm your man

And show I'm not ashamed

I walk the floor

When you leave me

Hey, baby

I don't know about you

Let me tell you what

I'm gonna do

I'm gonna try to make

My dreams come true

With you

Morning. Welcome back.

- Good morning, Mr Walliker.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Mrs Darcy.

How were your summer holidays?

I have a new daddy now.

His name is Roxster,

and he always gives Mummy

a funny hairstyle in

the morning.

Yes, well. It's not that funny,

is it, Mabel?

It is.

He's not a new daddy.

He's just someone.

Off you go.

Well, it seems congratulations

are in order.

You!

- No. You two. Come on.

- Bye, Mum. See you soon. Bye.

Bisous, bisous, bisous.

Bridget, I emailed you

from Anguilla about, um...

Jobs Day, yes. I come prepared.

I must say,

it's a welcome change, all... this.

Thank you.

All right, everyone.

Settle down.

Settle down. Thank you.

Um, so...

Last term, Daveed's dad

was kind enough to talk to us

about being a thoracic surgeon,

and next week,

Eugenie's mum will be in

to talk about her role

as a nuclear physicist,

and how it felt to win

the Nobel Prize.

But today, it's Billy's mum.

So, everyone, give a warm

welcome to Mrs Darcy.

Hello.

Um.

I am a television producer.

My mum says television

is making society rot.

Yes. Well, thank you, Priscilla.

Ok.

May we have a volunteer?

Thank you, Esmeralda.

Right.

You can stand here.

Very good.

And you are going to

say things like,

"Ten seconds to air!"

And I am going to be

the interviewer for the day.

Now...

Just...

Right. Ok.

Perhaps Mr Walliker could be

the person being interviewed.

Take a seat.

Uh, righto.

Now, topic.

- The life cycle of

the fruit fly. Hmm?

Right, ok.

Ooh. Ten seconds to air!

Hello, this is Bridget Jones,

and I'm delighted to have

Mr Walliker on the show today

to help us understand

the life cycle of the fruit fly.

Um, well, it's a...

it's a pleasure to be on

the show.

And, um, thank you

for that question.

Um...

Well, the, uh, the average...

Thank you.

Uh, the average fly takes about

two weeks to mature

and can live for as long

as 40 or 50 days.

And then, like all living things,

when it dies, it simply stops.

Cellular shutdown.

It falls, gradually decomposes,

and becomes part of

the soil system.

But does it really end when

it dies?

Exactly, Mr Walliker.

Surely there's more to

the story.

Um, well. Well, not really.

But, yes.

After the body of the fruit fly

stops working,

uh, then the soul of

the fruit fly

will be able to be free, yes?

And that particular fruit fly

will always, in some senses,

be with us.

- The soul of the fruit fly?

- Hmm.

There's no evidence for a soul,

but the body is a perfect system

of electrical pulses,

powered by the heart,

which is in itself

- a pump, if you will...

- The soul, Mr Walliker,

is the essence

of every living thing.

If you think

we're simply bits of machinery

that can be switched on or off,

then where does art come from?

Or wonder? Or poetry?

- Or magic?

- Magic?

The fruit fly, when it dies,

will stay with its fruit fly

family forever.

Keep the interview on point,

Bridget.

This is utter nonsense.

Our world is governed

by laws and fact.

That's our universe.

- And it is rational.

- Cut!

I'm a realist, Mrs Darcy.

I believe in what's real.

Cut!

Off to Talitha's birthday.

Are you sure you're ok

to stay tonight?

It's Thursday. I thought

you and Graham had tai chi.

Won't k*ll him to miss a week,

will it?

He's so uptight.

Oh, you look nice, Bridget.

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, try this.

There.

Thanks, Chloe.

Billy! Mabes!

Snacks on the table.

So where is he?

Is he not coming?

Oh, it's fine.

He must have been held up.

What? By some sort

of rubbish emergency?

- Probably had to finish his homework.

- Stop it.

Hope he gets here

before story time.

Shut it!

Come the f*ck on, Bridge.

Does this guy actually exist

or is it, um, like that one time

that you saw Brad Pitt

at Costa Coffee?

- It was him. It was.

- Come on. Really?

- Happy birthday.

- Lovely to see you.

What on earth are you holding?

Oh, Petula.

A present to myself

and I already prefer her

to any human.

Oh, hi.

Happy birthday to you

Oh, here. Can you hold my baby

while I feign surprise at

the cake

that I chose

and bought for myself.

Oh, look! Look at that!

Happy birthday, dear Talitha

Thank you. Oh, look.

Happy birthday to you

Thank you.

Thank you all so much

for coming today

to help me celebrate, well, me.

We love you, Talitha.

- Talitha!

- Talitha! Happy birthday.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

Binko Carruthers.

Oh, please don't come over.

Please don't.

Beep, beep.

There she is.

The famous Bridget Jones.

So I told Cosmo

I'd take you out for a spin.

How's Friday?

f*ck, no!

Jude, get in there. Come on,

get the f*ck in there! God, help!

Oh, my God. Oh!

- Petula, come on, darling.

- Petula! Petula!

I'm mad about the boy

And I know it's stupid

To be mad about the boy

Who's that?

I'm so ashamed of it

But must admit

The sleepless nights I've had

About the boy

Ooh, ooh, ooh

On the silver screen...

He melts my foolish heart

In every single scene

Although I'm quite aware...

That here and there

Are traces...

- I think this belongs to you.

- Thank you.

About the boy

Lord knows

I'm not a fool girl

- Hello.

- Hi.

I really shouldn't care

Lord knows

I'm not a school girl

Who's in the flurry...

Sorry I'm late.

Buses were a nightmare.

It's fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

She just jumped out of my arms.

Do not apologise.

Oh, my darling.

Let me help you out

of those wet clothes.

No. Don't you dare redress him.

- You look gorgeous.

- You look gorgeous.

All because I'm mad

About the boy

Now that, my darling,

is what I call a rebrand.

Hi. I'm Roxster.

We've come a long

Long way together

I hope he's up to it, darling.

Through the hard times

And the good

I have to celebrate you

Baby

I have to praise you like

I should

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

- Hello.

- Oh, f*ck off.

I have to praise you like

I should

I have to praise you

I have to praise you

I want a little sugar

In my bowl

If there is a God,

I'm sure he had more to deal

with that night

than my personal happiness,

but it did feel like he'd taken

the night off everything else

to focus on me.

But then...

I wish I had a time machine.

Feel so funny

I feel so sad

What's the matter, baby?

A time machine.

Come on, save my soul

In his moment of inebriated joy,

he had given himself away.

In my bowl

It mattered to him.

And with that came the elephant

stomping heavily into the room.

I try to discover...

That happens to us all, James.

Oh, I do have about

60 naps a day.

Well, 60 in the morning

and a nap in the afternoon.

Yeah, but you've got so many

interesting characters in this show.

So this show is for...

Ghosting.

The practice of ending

a relationship

by suddenly and without

explanation

withdrawing from

all communication.

That you give me

No reason why you...

The slow unveiling of

reality and rejection.

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no

That you give me no...

The casual cruelty.

I hear you calling

Oh, baby, please...

Give a little respect

To me

What religion or reason

Could cause a man

To forsake his lover?

Don't you tell me no...

Do not text when ghosted.

Don't you tell me no

Soul...

Do not text when drunk.

I hear you calling

Oh, baby, please

Give a little respect

To me

Ghost the b*stard back, Bridget.

Just let him disintegrate

into nothingness.

It can be a jungle out there.

Yep. And I'm the giant panda,

sexually obsolete and destined

to be alone forever.

No. You will adapt and survive

like we all do.

I used to be on the cover of

Vanity Fairin a flak jacket.

And now I'm on the cover of

Good Housekeepingwith a pavlova.

Cathy...

where's your special stuff?

HD TV was an

extinction-level event

for the fearless career

television presenter.

I'm about to usher you

into your next chapter.

Lip serum.

I get it on the dark web.

- Is it legal?

- Absolutely.

In Venezuela.

Here, take it.

Adapt and survive.

Adapt and survive.

Ooh. Something's

definitely happening.

It's either disastrous

or totally fantastic.

Mummy!

Hi, sweetie.

sh*t.

What's happening to my voice?

Mabel's shoes are on

the wrong feet.

No. My feet are on

the wrong legs.

Silly thing.

Mummy, something's wrong

with your mouth.

No.

No, there isn't.

Yes, there is. Look.

Your lips

are all funny right there.

Darling, don't be ridiculous.

All right, Mabel, let's get

these swapped over, shall we?

Out we pop. All right.

I wouldn't do that again if

I were you, Mrs Darcy.

You looked all right

to begin with.

All right.

You're trying to look younger

and the effects have marked similarities

to those of an elderly stroke victim.

You're actually drooling now.

Oh, dear.

Now, acutely aware

as I am of my waiting room

filled to capacity

with actual patients...

not to mention the fact that

I am a gynaecologist

and that particular

set of lips is,

as it were, broadly speaking,

at the wrong end...

I am nonetheless going to

ask you the question,

"Bridget, are you ok?"

A simple yes will suffice.

No.

It's all your fault.

"Twat." Sorry,

it's doctor's handwriting.

That's an A,

in the middle there.

Now, I rather zoned out

after "pyjamas",

but a toy boy is not the answer,

Bridget, and nor are big lips.

You're a widow

with two wonderful children

who adore you.

You're just trying to cope with

a shitty situation.

Embrace the chaos.

That's just a simple allergic

reaction to

hydroxymethoxyphenyl

propylmethylmethoxybenzofuran

in whatever infernal concoction

you've smeared on your mouth.

- This is an antihistamine.

It'll work straight away.

It's for the lips.

They still haven't invented

anything for being a twat.

Hello.

Yes, this is Bridget.

Of course! Straight away.

Yes, yes.

Daniel.

Well, by all that's holy,

Bridget Jones.

Nice of you to come, Jones.

If I'd known,

I'd have worn a tinier nightie.

What happened?

My heart.

Two massive surprises.

One, I have one.

Two, it murmurs.

They've, um, had a listen

and I don't know.

Are you ok?

Well, I thought I was having

a heart attack.

My whole life passed before

my eyes.

You actually featured

prominently, Jones.

- Hmm.

- All the best bits.

Rome. Mini-break weekend.

Sodomy in Sainsbury's.

But, uh, mainly,

it was just me wandering up

and down the King's Road

trying to twinkle

at 20-year-olds.

Mmm.

Perhaps it's an opportunity

for a new beginning.

Brand-new Daniel.

Mmm.

I think I shall stay

right here...

until you agree.

Well that is kind of you,

Bridge, but, um...

they told me I don't have long.

- What?

- No, no, no. f*ck. No, not that.

Well, maybe that.

No, they, uh...

they're taking

me for some tests in a minute.

The question is, would we say

I've become a fraction tragic?

They asked me to put down

my next of kin.

And the only person I could think

of who might remotely care was you.

- That's very sweet.

- Yeah, but not deliberately.

The point is, Bridge,

how have I arrived

at this point

in my life with no kin?

How could I possibly be kinless?

But you're not.

You're not kinless.

Well, I haven't seen Enzo

since he was two.

And he is now being happily

raised by his mother

and an Italian aristocrat who

wears his jumper like a shawl.

So, lucky you, Jones.

Your two,

the way they look at you...

just makes one realise...

one's own f*ck-ups, really.

The glory of what

might have been.

Did you know...

it was actually quite good

with Gisele at the beginning?

I have to face the fact...

...that it may have been,

Jones, love.

The real thing.

I still don't know what

she was so pissed off about.

You shagged her sister.

Once. Massive overreaction.

God, I love you, Daniel.

Despite your really quite

impressive

lifelong dedication

to total f*ck.

Yeah.

There's a lot I don't know.

An awful lot.

But I do know that my children

would give anything at all

to have just one day

with their dad.

- Time for your obs, Mr Cleaver.

Oh, right.

And, again,

there is really no need

for you to remove your gown.

Sorry.

Okey-doke.

God.

Then lights down on

the cooking segment.

Why do I always have to do

the cooking bits?

That chestnut ravioli

he cooked last time

was the worst thing

I've ever put in my mouth.

I highly doubt that.

And then, Miranda,

you cross to the stage.

"And now, on Better Women,

a surprise guest." Blah blah.

And lights!

Yeah, I'm a fighter

And I made it through

Solid gold survivor

That's...

Hold it!

Linus, we've got to practise

following her with the lights.

So, uh...

maybe you could dance a bit?

Yeah?

- Uh...

- Ok. Go, Linus!

So give me light

You've got to find

Your own road...

Can you hold that, please? See,

you've got to, you know, go for it.

Help me see...

'Cause she's going to,

you know...

And no more light

And no more love

It's not over...

It's not over

I won't save you when

I'm weak

Only got so much left

To give

It's not over

It's not over

Till I'm done...

Till I'm done

- See, Linus?

- Hi, B.

Oh, sh*t.

Brought a pie.

Sorry, they just told me

to come in.

You disappeared, Roxster.

I know.

I know.

I panicked.

I got... I got scared, and I ran.

But I want this.

You.

I thought I wasn't ready,

but I am.

I thought I...

I don't know,

wanted somebody my own age,

but I don't.

I love you, Bridget.

I'm ready for all of it.

For Billy and Mabel.

And burnt lasagne.

And slime.

And all of it.

I promise you, I am ready.

I'm not sure that matters.

What do you mean?

I don't... I don't understand.

You're so lovely,

and you're going to be

a brilliant partner and dad.

And you're going to discover

all sorts of garbage that

will change the world.

That's not how it works.

But not with me.

I wish I had a time machine too.

So you could catch up.

Are you... Are you sure?

I am.

I'll keep the pie, if that's ok.

Goodbye, Bridget.

Parents' evening.

Is there a worse night for

the single parent?

They call it parents' evening

as if it's a plural.

As if it's a given that

there's two of us.

Oh, well. Chin up and onward.

Mrs Darcy.

It's good to see you.

Good to be back in the studio.

The great fruit fly debate.

Uh...

Small secret.

It was about 50 times

more interesting

than that

bloody thoracic surgeon.

And don't get me started on

the physicist.

I mean, they'll hand out Nobels

to anyone these days.

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, Billy.

Well, he's, um...

he's an excellent cricketer.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know,

he's a very good

young scientist.

He's... he's got a good brain.

He's methodical,

his experiments are well drawn up.

Look, I mean, it's just, uh...

it's excellent work all round.

- Good.

- It's just this, Mrs Darcy. I'm...

I'm a...

I'm a bit concerned about him.

Concerned? Concerned how?

What's he done?

No, he hasn't done anything.

He's, um...

He's just been a bit, uh...

withdrawn.

Why is he withdrawn?

Everything's been all right

at home?

Yes, yes. It's all fine.

Everything ok with your, um...

hairdresser?

Him? No, but yes. Uh...

He's withdrawn?

- Well, I don't mean

to alarm you.

- Sorry about that. Yep, exactly.

- Mr Walliker, sorry, sorry.

We're a couple of minutes early,

but these sessions are so short.

And I have more than

a few questions for you.

You don't mind, do you, Bridget?

We do have the two boys, so...

Not at all. No. That's...

It's fine.

Mate, I'm gonna have

to put you on mute.

Thank you.

- Right.

- I've got parents' evening.

Mark Darcy, the leading

international humanitarian

rights lawyer,

was k*lled this morning in

the Darfur region in Sudan.

...a land mine.

The 55-year-old was in

the w*r-torn region after

joining international efforts...

Mr Darcy was a leading

international figure in human rights

and crisis resolution...

...gained global recognition

with the Kafir Aghani

and Eleanor Heaney case,

which, of course, he won.

He leaves behind his wife,

Bridget Jones,

and their two young children,

Billy and Mabel.

- More on this story as

we get it.

Dearest darling Mark,

it's your birthday

on Sunday, and...

...I'm just no good

at doing this on my own.

I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother.

I'm sorry I got caught up

with a callow toy boy.

I'm sorry I'm late for school

and that Billy's withdrawn.

They're growing up without you.

How is Billy going to understand

how to be a man without

his father?

How is Mabel going to live

her life

having never really

known you at all?

Please forgive me

for being upset

about anything which

isn't about not having you.

Please help me find a way

to do this

without feeling like I'm ruining

the most important part of my life.

The only part that

still has you in it.

I have to put down how many tickets

we need for my Christmas concert.

Should I put down two?

For you and Mabel?

Put three.

Mabel, me and Chloe.

Ok. Three.

Finished.

Me too.

Daddy will love these.

They're perfect.

Yes.

Did you write one, Mummy?

I did.

Tomorrow, can we post them

to Daddy?

Of course we can.

And Mark's birthday

came as it always did...

like all the celebrations,

Christmases and anniversaries.

All the love and all the pain.

Ok. Ready?

On three.

One, two...

What am I going to do when

I get to...

...three.

What I have is what

I love most in the world.

Billy and Mabel.

Just the three of us.

Whoo!

- Mr Walliker.

- Mrs Darcy.

Darling, you got to let me

Know...

Billy!

- Hello!

- Hello!

Ready?

If you say that you are mine

I'll be here till the end

Of time

So you got to let me know

Should I stay

Or should I go?

Should I stay

Or should I go now?

Should I stay

Or should I go now?

If I go

There will be trouble

And if I stay

It will be double

So you gotta let me know

Should I stay

Or should I go?

Have a good walk, then.

Thank you.

Bye.

All right, come in.

Now...

what this is not is a "walk."

We are about to embark as a team

on an orienteering adventure.

- So do you each have your compasses?

- Yes!

- Do you each have your maps?

- Yes!

Right then, you know your groups.

Hands up, Otters!

You'll go along with Mr Collins

and Bikram's mum, Mrs Pasricha.

Billy's mum, Mrs Darcy. You've

drawn the short straw, I'm afraid.

You'll be joining me

and the Ospreys.

Now, this is very important.

Remember to open your eyes

and look around.

This is one of the most

beautiful places on earth.

Enjoy it.

Let's go.

- You sure you're up to this, Mrs Darcy?

- Absolutely!

I was a Queen's Guide.

Got my Pioneer badge.

I can rope, knot,

splice and lash.

If you need anything tied up,

I'm your girl.

- Right then.

- Bring up the rear.

Yes! Bringing up the rear!

Up!

We're gonna see

much more water than that.

Up the rear!

Yep.

Make sure everybody's with us.

You can see

the second waterfall, can't you?

Well, those two are together.

Coming!

Hurry along. Come on!

- Give me your hand.

- Wow. So cool.

Ok.

Right.

Is there a Wi-Fi password?

Oh, Atticus, don't be a pillock.

All right, take this tarp

and spread it out on the floor

over there, all right?

Come on.

It's all right.

It's dry.

Mrs Darcy,

could you take that wheelbarrow,

pick up some firewood

for when the rain stops?

Yep.

All right, everyone.

Do your best to get dry.

Ding-f*cking-dong.

Whenever you're ready.

Looks like

we'll be here for a while.

It really

is absolutely disgusting.

Burnt to a crisp.

I think you'll find

it's a brle.

Come on, then.

Off to Bedfordshire.

Goodnight, Mr Walliker.

- Here we are.

- Sleep well, team.

- Well done today.

- Thank you.

Okay. Night night.

Goodnight.

Mission accomplished.

One barnful

of sleeping children.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite

impressed by your resourcefulness,

but who travels to

the Lake District

with a backpack full

of marshmallows?

All parents know the marshmallow

is an essential tool,

Mr Walliker.

Do you have children?

Uh, no. No, no,

I never did any of that.

But, um...

It's funny.

In the back of your mind,

you think it might happen,

and...

But, you know, one day,

you're preparing a test

for a periodic table...

...and you realise

it's the 27th one you've set,

and there's just never been time

to really think about having

anything like a...

like a family in between.

But it's good.

It's good. I, uh...

Well, it suits me.

Mmm.

I see it does.

I mean, look at that.

All of it.

You asked me where's

the wonder and the magic.

It's a good question.

I think it's here.

You don't believe in magic,

Mr Walliker.

No.

Well, I've been thinking.

Mummy?

Atticus is really frightened.

He says his mum sings Puccini

to him when he's scared.

Well, he might have to settle

for some early Take That,

but I'll see what I can do,

okay?

Mr Walliker,

do you mind if I sit here for

a minute?

Of course. Sit down.

- Is there anything you want to...

- It's just...

what if I forget him?

I don't wanna forget him.

But what if I do?

Let me tell you this, Billy,

um...

Your dad is everywhere.

He's everywhere.

Right now...

in this moment.

And that's a scientific fact.

Energy is only transferred.

It can never be destroyed.

And more importantly,

your father is in you.

And Mabel.

Billy, tell me something...

one thing...

that you remember best

about your dad.

Another Christmas

Is around the corner

And I can feel us, darling

Getting closer

It's coming down the road

And stopping it now

Stopping it now

Is impossible...

Can we?

- May we.

- Yes.

I built a snowman out

The back

It came alive And flew me

Round this sleepy town

I put an old scarf round

Its neck...

Careful!

And every time

You kiss me...

Chop-chop.

One, two. One, two.

May I have your hot chocolate?

- No. No! Marshmallows!

- Yes. Yes.

Mabel, why don't I take

you to your seat? Come on.

Is that all right?

- Don't dawdle, Mrs Darcy.

- No.

Show's starting.

Yes, of course.

- That sounds fantastic.

- Yeah.

I'll see you at Nobu at 7.00.

Oh, for God's sake, Victor.

f*cking prick.

Bravo! Bravo.

Thank you,

Eros and Atticus Soltani-Watkins.

Now, although it's not on

the programme,

we do have one...

one more song.

Um, I happen to know it means

a lot to our singer.

And, um... well, this is his

first-ever solo performance,

and I know he'll

do himself proud.

I'd do anything

For you, dear, anything

For you mean everything

To me

I know that

I'd go anywhere

For your smile, anywhere

For your smile

Everywhere I'd see

Would you climb a hill?

Anything

Wear a daffodil?

Anything

Leave me all your will?

Anything

Even fight my Bill?

What? Fisticuffs?

I'd risk everything

For one kiss, everything

Yes, I'd do anything

Anything

For you

Go, Billy!

Bravo!

Oh, my darling.

Daddy would be so proud of you.

I know.

Well done, Billy. You nailed it.

- Were you surprised, Mum?

- Yes.

- Genius.

- Up top.

- So, can I have a sleepover with Bikram?

- Yes.

- And did you bring my...

- Yes.

Bikram! Nintendo!

Mr Walliker, Billy was...

The whole thing was...

- It was...

- It was magic, Mrs Darcy.

No, it wasn't.

What you've done for Billy...

People talk about moving on like

it means,

you know,

leaving something behind,

you know,

leaving someone you love behind,

but perhaps it's more

that suddenly you see

you can live at the same time

as all the things you've lost,

and that you can be happy

even without them.

And tonight,

I saw my son up there

and I understood for

the first time in four years

that he's going to be okay.

And so, we're going to be okay.

And you did that, Mr Walliker.

It wasn't magic.

It was you.

So, I'll overlook your tendency

to be a little aloof...

Some might call it

condescending.

Supercilious is a good word

and you probably don't hear it

enough, but the point is...

thank you.

Mr Walliker?

We're going to

The Spaniards for a drink.

Um, and if you wanted to come,

well, we'd be there

because that's where we'll be.

Can't be taught. Can't be

taught. It was unbelievable.

- Mrs Darcy.

- The flautists, an absolute triumph.

One of the best

Christmas shows I've ever seen.

Christmas shows don't get much

better than that. Extraordinary.

No, it doesn't.

Don't look at me like that.

- Billy! How did it go?

- Billy!

- I did a solo.

- Oh!

Congratulations.

Come here. Have a squidge.

He was brilliant.

- Hello, Mabel. How are you?

- Well done. I bet you were.

- Chloe has a video.

- You look lovely.

- There's a video?

- A video?

Chloe? Video?

Congratulations.

Hi. Uh, four, uh...

large glasses of white wine,

please.

Wine. Wine.

Oh, house white. Party petrol.

- Bikram's here!

- Your wine, ladies.

- What are you doing down there?

- Nothing.

- Well, there we go.

- Congratulations, darling.

- To Billy.

- He was wonderful. Billy.

- Absolutely wonderful.

- Yes.

But I can tell you, I... I knew

from his glow it was a triumph.

No, honestly.

I mean,

once you've tasted success...

You had literally one song, Tom.

Yes, you know,

my mother always says

if you've got nothing nice

to say, then shut the f*ck up.

Your mother's right,

so shut the f*ck up.

We should never shut

the f*ck up.

Stop telling everyone else

to shut the f*ck up.

We can, yes.

- No. Come on.

- Good overtaking.

No, I didn't. That was him.

Mum. That way.

Mr Walliker!

Aren't you coming in?

Well, actually, I was. I...

I wanted to say something

to you,

but it's the wrong time.

You're there with everyone,

and...

I'm better with people about

4 foot tall.

4'1". That's my sweet spot,

as it turns out, so...

Where are you going?

Well, look, I really just wanted

to discuss Newton.

Newton?

I mean, we already covered

Newton's second law, gravity,

in the tree when you were

pretending not to be stuck.

But the one that's always

fascinated me isn't the second law.

I mean, any idiot can see that

an apple's gonna fall down.

What's it gonna do, fall up?

It's a hopelessly overrated law,

the second.

No, the one that's always

interested me is the third law.

You'll know what that is.

Yes.

Of course. But go on.

For every action,

there's an equal and opposite reaction.

It's a fundamental law

of our universe.

It's, uh... It's an inescapable

fact of our existence,

and I was coming to say that

you are...

this force, Mrs Darcy...

to me.

Equal and... opposite.

And just as Newton predicted,

it's irresistible.

I see it.

Right now, just standing here,

I feel it,

and it's as real to me as the

things I loved when I was a boy

and first started looking at

the world.

You see, it's not really order

that we science people

fall in love with, Mrs Darcy,

it's the beauty in things.

The beauty,

to be specific...

in you.

Oh.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

- I don't know what I was thinking.

- No, no.

This is exactly why

I decided not to come in.

I've clearly got entirely

the wrong end of the...

- Mr Walliker...

- Look, I just want you to know

that this is not going to be

awkward at all. At all.

- Please stop talking.

- With Billy and school.

Let's just pretend this never happened,

please. Let's just...

It was either that or a whistle,

and I haven't got a whistle,

Mr Walliker.

Call me Scott, for God's sake.

Yes, Mr Walliker.

Right, shake it, shake it,

shake it. No, go mad.

That's it. Now pour it out.

Very good.

Insert one cherry.

And that, my friends,

is how we make a Dirty b*tch.

Christ. That may even be

a Filthy b*tch. Pass that round.

Now, similar but not at all

the same,

the Bad Mummy.

Little bit of vodka.

- Yeah?

- Come here.

Okay, you're in charge.

Is that who I think it is?

So they tell me, yeah.

What do you think?

You have sad eyes, angelo mio.

Why so sad? They make me sad.

I want to see the smile.

Stop it.

He's 16!

Yeah. Late starter.

Where in Italy are you from?

- Bologna.

- Bologna.

- Yeah.

- Say it again.

- Bologna.

- Bologna.

Enzo, the kids are gonna watch

a movie upstairs. You coming?

He'll stay.

Boys.

I think you're proud.

Relief, really, Jones.

Kin, as you said.

- Enzo.

- Yeah?

Vieni qua.

- I beg your pardon.

- Okay.

- Ciao.

- Ciao.

This is your hostess

and one of the great loves of

your father's life, Bridget Jones.

Ooh!

It's nice to meet you, Enzo.

He says it is a great honour

to meet you.

Oh!

And then he says that those are

very, very silly little boots.

You have incredible posture.

You're not Danish, are you?

Well, I can be anything

you want.

It is, isn't it? I know,

and it's working really well for you,

but all I'm saying is maybe

it's time for a rebrand.

Have you ever thought about

having a pixie cut?

No.

Oh, you have the face for it.

And it's utterly changed

my life.

Nonsense, Pam.

You're perfect just as you are.

Is that a Dirty b*tch?

Steady on.

Oh, yes, please.

Yes, thank you very much.

Thanks.

- Just what the doctor ordered.

- Me too.

- Always. Take a horn.

- Give me the f*cking horn.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Yep.

- Mmm. Oh.

- Mmm. Mmm.

I'll be honest, I don't know what I'd have

done in the past 20 years without you lot.

- Twenty?

- No, it's not. It's thirty?

Yeah, it's more like 30 years,

to be honest.

We've had some f*cking fun

though, haven't we?

We have.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

Happy New Year!

...be forgot

And never brought to mind?

Happy New Year.

Should auld acquaintance

Be forgot

For the sake

Of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

We'll take a cup

Of kindness yet

For the sake

Of auld lang syne

I forgot to check.

Look.

Goodnight.

Ooh.

Bloody zip.

b*stard tyrannical dress people.

I've got it.

Thank you.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

I could go back to

The old place

And write your name

On every blank page

But it's a story now

Just a story now

Just the kind of thing that

You'd say

They say no need to

Look behind me

That I can keep you

Here beside me

To make a mess of it

To make the best of it

It isn't perfect

But it might be

There's a lot of ground

To cover

One foot and then the other

On my way, my way

To somewhere new

A few false starts

Can you forgive this

Cautious car and just bear with it

While it does what

I thought it couldn't do

I could go back to

The old place

And write your name

On every blank page

But it's a story now

Just a story now

Just the kind of thing that

You'd say

They say no need to

Look behind me

That I can keep you

Here beside me

To make a mess of it

To make the best of it

It isn't perfect

But it might be

Mmm

Treading lightly

Thinking slightly

It just might be

It just might be

Treading lightly

Thinking slightly

It just might be

It just might be

It just might be

Oh, I can go back to

The old place

And write your name

On every blank page

But it's a story now

Just a story now

Just the kind of thing that

You'd say

That there's no need to

Look behind me

That I can keep you

Here beside me

To make a mess of it

To make the best of it

It isn't perfect

But it might be

Like it might be

Like it might be

Whoo, whoo

Might be, might be

Might be

"Have you met Miss Jones?"

Someone said as

We shook hands

She was just Miss Jones

To me

And then I said

"Miss Jones

You're a girl

Who understands

I'm a man

Who must be free"

And all at once

I lost my breath

And all at once

Was scared to death

And all at once

I owned the earth and sky

And now I've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep on meeting

'til we die

Miss Jones and I

Whoa, fellas

And all at once

I lost my breath

And all at once

Was scared to death

And all at once

I owned the earth and sky

Now I've met Miss Jones

And we'll keep on meeting

'til we die

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Miss Jones and I

Ha!