18x01 - The Love Mobile

[bunniefuu]

There you go,
you're handling it well already.

But I didn't want a tandem!
You're built for a tandem!

Legs like you've got, you can
ride it from either saddle!

You said you wanted me
to sell it for you!

I do! But now you've bought it,
you've more interest
in getting rid of it.

I've given you what's known as
maximum incentive.

What do I want with a tandem?

You want a buyer,
that's what you want!

'Ey up, tha's in a bad temper.

I don't like
being grabbed from behind!

I'll grab thee from the front!

Just a suggestion.
Keep them to yourself!

Is that tha final word? It is!
I thought we had an understanding.

Well, not an understanding...
More a sort of...

interesting confusion!

HE HUMS

Hey up, that's a whole lot of bike
tha's got there.

You wanna buy it?
I couldn't afford that much bike.
I'd need a mortgage for the bell!

Think I'll ever find a buyer?
Not wheelin' it.

But if tha were to ride it
and smile as if enjoyin' it...

How can I ride that on me own?

I'll soon settle that, son!

Well, what are we waitin' for?

Wesley Pegdon!

I wish you wouldn't creep up on me.

What you doing in my kitchen?! It's
all right. I've put the papers down.

I'm not going to find
a buyer out here!

Tha wants to get the hang of her,
see how she runs.

That's how I'm workin'
on Nora Batty.

Nora Batty? It's taking you years!

What's the rush?
It's not as if I'm past me peak!

Aren't we going too fast?

It's all right this end!

Hey up!
Watch where you're goin'...

CRASH!

My end were fine.
It were your end goin' too fast.

I hope we haven't scratched it.
I'm supposed to be sellin' this!

Why are you up here with
twice the normal amount of bicycle?

We're testing Smiler's tandem.

We should've known!

We should've known
that's where you'd be!

Does anybody know anybody
who wants a tandem?

I shouldn't think so.
Not in this day and age.

No chance.

There must be SOME people
who buy tandems.

Well, there's you for a start.

Oh...!

Very little demand for tandems.

You'd best melt it down
and make a minibus.

Cheer up, that man.
It'll be company for you.

Oh... Thanks for th'encouragement.

Aren't you helping me ride this
home? No! Your end goes too fast.

Oh...!

What's wrong with it?
It's not fizzing working!

Next question - what are you
going to do?

Snap my fingers,
recite the magic word,

and not only will the motor go, but
I'll get a tank of petrol, too[!]

You're all mouth and no trousers!

ENGINE FAILS TO START

You see!

Everywhere I turn, things break
down. Machines cease to function.

So how come,
never once in forty years,

have you never had
the slightest trouble...

in OPENING YOUR GOB?!

It needs to be in peak condition...

TO KEEP UP WITH YOURS!

Oh, that should do it[!]

You've got a real gift
for these situations[!]

How come I always
have to ride in the back?

You've always been
the outdoors type.

Especially indoors.

Hey up, what's this, then?

Lovemobile?

And broken down.

I used to have the same trouble.

We deliver...?

To your own door, on request.

Does tha give discount
for quantity?

Pay no attention.
He's the village idiot.

You having trouble, love?

Mainly with him.

Shut up, you old f*gg*t!

Are you just going to sit there?!

Oh, shut up, you big yap!

I can see why they called it
the Lovemobile[!]

What exactly IS a lovemobile,
madam?

Yes... I was wondering that,

but I didn't like to ask in case
it came in a plain envelope.

We introduce people to each other.

We're a lonely-hearts agency.

Mobile?

Why not? We go round the
country shows, the market places.

You come to us, we'll find you
the perfect partner.

Tha didn't do much of a job
finding one for thaself.

I wasn't in the business then.
If I'd known what I know now...

he'd never have passed
the initial application!

You're as bad as
your auntie Gertie!

I've been good to you.
You'll be sorry when I'm gone!

Promises, promises!

HE GASPS

Just what I needed
at my time of life - a tandem[!]

A real necessity
for a bloke what lives alone[!]

There was nothing wrong
with Aunt Gertie!

She k*lled three husbands!

Not all at once!

She knew YOU were no good!

Only because you told her!

She knew before then!

That's where you learned your trade.
Making people miserable!

Don't you dig me!
You were digging me!

Well, try THIS for a change!

Ha! I suppose that was my fault!

I knew it. They're dead!

No, they're not dead.

Well, they're quiet.

And I don't believe they'd ever
be quiet if they weren't dead.

One of you'd better go and find out.

I'm better with engines!

Oh! You pulled my ears!
You always pull me ears!

You threw me over the wall!

Does that sound like dead?

You saw him!
He threw me over the wall!

I never touched you. You threw
yourself over, you dozy buttock!

He jumped on me from that wall!

You pulled me over by me ears!

She's got this thing about ears.

Let's get organised.

Are you injured, madam?
I'm practically a doctor.

Since when?!

I've dressed wounds in battle.

Of course I'm injured!
People jump on you from walls!

You pulled me over by the ears!

She always goes for ears.

Can we help you back to the wagon?

I'm stayin' here.

If you can sulk, I can sulk!

You can't stay there!

I'm stayin' here!

You can't stay here! I'm staying!

Me ears! What's wrong with them?

They're twice as big
as they used to be!

I'm stayin' here!

You're coming! If I have to pick
you up and throw you over the wall!

A pound says he'll never throw her
over the wall.

That is not a nice thing
to gamble on.



Done!

ARGUMENT CONTINUES

I think his alternator's shot.

Well, if he's trying to throw her
over the wall, I'm not surprised!

Ow! God, you're a weight!
Get up, lass! Get up!

HE PANTS:
I'm never gonna be able to sell it.
There's just no demand.

I'm going to go through the rest
of my life with a spare back seat!

Lovemobile? What are YOU doing
with a lovemobile?

Speaking personally,
absolutely nothing.

It's not ours. We're just
looking after it for two friends.

What friends?

They're over the wall.

This could be tha lucky day. They
could find thee the perfect partner.

Perfect partner?

Yes. Female. The opposite sex.

You know, the ones with no crossbar.

I know what they are.

Then tha's halfway there, then,
aren't tha?

I could do with
a really perfect partner.

In fact,
I could make do with seconds.

What do you think, Cleggie?

I don't give advice on matters of
importance. I specialise in trivia.

For importance,
you need a trained leader.

Hold his bike.
Sir!

Now, Smiler,
if you're feeling lonely,

you've come to just the right place.

Shop!

Customer wants the perfect partner!

Or even seconds.

Or even seconds!

We've cracked it this time. You're
a creature of infinite genius!

I wouldn't say "infinite"!

What's he looking for?

Love.
Companionship.

A buyer for his tandem.

I don't know what he's looking for.
You ask him.

What you looking for?

Anything you got.

Stop bein' so choosy, Smiler[!]

Knows what he wants.

Perfectionist.

We've got thousands
of lonely hearts!

I only want one.

You're only going to get one.

Permanent or temporary?

Oh, definitely permanent.

He's too tall for temporary.

He has his own transport. We can
vouch for him being of sober habits.

Sober?

He's downright miserable!

Well, come in and
fill out the application form.

Wow, Smiler, the application form!
It's getting really tricky.

Bah!

MOANS AND GROANS

Oh, Marina!

I think we have.
I think we've cracked it this time!

I think I'm sitting on the shovel.

Did we have to bring the shovel?

It's these authentic details
that make all the difference.

It certainly FEELS
like it's making a difference.

Thank you
for introducing a customer to us.

Is there any commission?

The name's Lance.

How d'you do?

If either of you are interested...

I never discuss ladies
while holding a tandem.

I've got Nora Batty but it might
be wise to start carrying a spare.

He's not in the market. His
trousers'd never stand the strain.

I've had a look round and, as far
as I can see, on first impressions,

you'd best trade her in
in part-exchange.

I'll go along with that.

Very little mileage left and
it's not worth replacing the parts.

My feelings exactly.

Your problem is the...

Big mouth. It's been her trouble
since we got married.

I was talking about the engine.

The engine? No! I'll be beggared
if I'll part with the engine!

Leisure interests?

What d'you do for amusement?
Your hobbies?

Well, usually I...

just sit quietly.

It's your hobby? Sitting quietly?

I enjoy it.

What, um, age group of female
are you lookin' for?

Something that's...well run in.
I want nothing too high-spirited.

No...I can see that.

And that's really
what you like to do?

Just sit quietly?

I really enjoy it.

I really do.

You need a new alternator.

Well, not necessarily a NEW one.
We might find one at the scrapyard.

Would that be cheaper?
Aye, a lot cheaper.

Well, that's the way we'll go, then.

I wonder
what Smiler's doing in there.

Come away, will you?!
These things are personal.

I wonder
if she can find someone for me.

You don't need the Lovemobile.
You need the Farmer's Weekly!

He's been inside a long time. D'you
think he's had to get married?

She's found me one.

What? Already?

They don't mess about.

Who's she found for thee?

Me!

Where are you going?!

I'm going for some peace and quiet.

With somebody who isn't ALL GOB!

You might have given me time
to thank him properly!

Lance looks broken-hearted.

Who'd have thought Smiler would
have filled his tandem already?

It's a prompt and efficient service,
I'll give them that.

Twenty-two stitches!

As many as that? What was
he using? A mixer and a blender[?]

It's not keyhole surgery, is it?

They say he's a butcher.
Hilda Priestly's scar looks like
she buttons up the front.

He did Mrs Evans.
She's never been right since.

Mind you, that makes a matching set
with MR Evans.

Didn't he take her to Majorca?

Yes. I always think it's a bad sign
once they start takin' you
to Majorca.

Sorry I'm late. Barry got lost.

I just took a wrong turning on that
estate where they all look the same.

There's nobody
I'd rather be lost with.

Say hello to everybody, Barry!

Hello, everybody.

ALL: Hello, Barry!

Good heavens,
is that the time already?

Well, I'll be off, then.

Aren't you forgetting something,
Barry?

How long have you been carrying on
like that?! Like what?

In public!

Oh, Mother! Didn't me father
ever give you a kiss?

Once.
When I was going into hospital.

It's acceptable
when you're going into hospital.

They do it all over these days.

In my time, you had to be French.

It's these foreign holidays!

I'll not take Howard
further than Cleethorpes.

It's far enough for anybody
that's married, is Cleethorpes.

I'd not mind, but they come back
from abroad with inflated ideas
about what should be in a salad!

Ooh! Ooh!

Thanks.

It's been a big day for him. He's
lost his wife AND his alternator.

He's more concerned
about his alternator.

He's probably not had
much trouble with that.

'Ey up... Eli.

Ha!

Your son-in-law
seems to have a problem.

Barry? What's he doing here?

What are WE doing here?
What about my alternator?

Steady down! A bloke's
got to have a bit of refreshment.

Barry?

Oh, hello, Mr Pegdon.

Er, that'll be five pints
and a refresher for Barry.

This is becoming
an expensive alternator.

Five pints, sunshine.

And a refill of what he's
drinking - yonder gloomy figure.

What's his problem?
It's usually marriage.

But there's always a cure.

Are YOU happily married?

Of course I'm happily married.

If ever you want to change partners,
just phone and leave it to us.

What's wrong with him?

Wife trouble.
I thought so. It usually is.

Another fella, is it?

No, it is not another fella!

Worse!

He has to kiss her in public.

I know she's me daughter but
there's just no excuse for that.

Couldn't you explain that
she's testing you beyond endurance?

I tried that. But she says if
I won't kiss her, I don't love her.

Have you tried garlic?

She LIKES garlic.

I don't know where
she gets it from - liking garlic
and kissing in public.

WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Keep him out!
But he's just lost his wife.

He's in the right business
to find another!

WAAAHHHHH!

You sound like Duckett's donkey!

I want my Ethel!

You want locking up, you daft twit!

Funny - he LOOKS like
Duckett's donkey.

He's really fond of her. I bet he
doesn't have to kiss her in public.

Cheer up, Barry. It's only us. And
tha won't have to kiss one of us.

Amen to that!

Have you tried standing to
attention? I always find that helps.

ETHEL! YOU'RE BACK!

He was too quiet.

Drive anybody crackers.

I think that's lovely!

You old softie! I don't know
why you should say that.

Pull yourself together!
We've got to do something for Barry.

Can you cure anybody
of kissing in public?

I think we can arrange something.

Oh!

Is this the right road for...

I was just asking this young lady
exactly that same question!

How disturbing.
Alone out here with two lost men!

THEY CHATTER

The Lovemobile?

What the heck is a lovemobile?

I don't know. But I wouldn't
want it parked outside MY place!

You can remove that vehicle!
Wesley Pegdon!

Barry's been doing
a spot of training.

Training?!

Training for what?!

I'll show thee!

Barry, show them
how much you've improved.

I will. I'm ready!

I've been taught by an expert!

I daren't look.

HE CLEARS THROAT

OK...pucker up!

Not in public, Barry!

Ohhhh!

Why don't you look where
you're going before you pull out?

I DID look where I was going!

Oh, I love it when you shout at me.