01x02 - Car Boot

[bunniefuu]

If you want to create

a space like this,

this is my advice - be

intentional, and be more with less.

You know, guys, it's funny.

I have this thing I say,

why spend money on material things

when space and light is free?

Georgie! Focus, please.

AMANDA SIGHS

There's something missing.

A flatscreen TV? And

something to sit on?

I need an "objet" that speaks

to the sincerity of the space.

Hi, Mal.

Ah, come for your post,

have you? Well, I

Just to clarify,

I'm 34. You're 34A.

This makes no sense,

I have the front door.

I should be 34 and

you should be 34B.

Either way, can you just

use the right address

so I don't get all

of your deliveries

for perimenopausal

skin supplements?

They're for my

mother, thank you.

Er, Mal, this is actually

a professional call.

You're a landscape person.

Where would I find a branch?

Have you tried a tree?

Oh!

No, Mal, you're grand.

Anne, um, down a bit.

Mm. Yeah, up a bit.

No, down, down a bit.

So, Della, I heard a rumour that

you are doing the car boot BBQ.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My wife kindly

volunteered my services.

Because, you know, after a hard

week of frying meat in a restaurant,

you really want to fry

meat in a car park.

Well, all I might ask is that

you don't make anyone sick,

like they were at a certain

teenage rampage at your house.

Do you want me to raise funds

for your new bog or what, Anne?

It's not my new bog.

It's actually a macerator

for the clubhouse toilets.

What, our trusty rusty coat

hanger's finally given out, then?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

It got a real hammering at the

crown bowls disco last weekend.

AMANDA: Hi, all! Hi, hello.

How are ya? This is Felicity.

Oh, you brought your mammy! Yes!

If I'd have known, I'd

have brought my mammy. Aw.

And we could have had a Bring

Your Mammy To The Park day.

Right. Er, this is Fi and

this is Della, of Shin fame.

Sinn Fein? Fame.

Shin fame, Mummy.

Famous for her restaurant, Shin.

BOTH: Fashion?

Stylist. Model.

You've still got it, babe.

And are you a big fan of

the football, Felicity?

Oh, God, no. No, I'm here

for my sportybob, Georgie.

And the shorts.

Sorry, Mal, Mummy's never

head of the Me Too movement.

I have, thanks. We used

to call it flirting.

Hey, Brat Gurl Summer.

Look at you! Very cute.

Very demure. k*ll me.

You smell very lush.

Is that, um, Tom Ford?

Nah. It's just me.

Um, you checking

out your socials?

You should follow me. Look

up "Senuous." Sensuous?

Sen-u-ous.

That's it! Yeah! Is

that even a word?

Well, it means sumptuous luxury,

also very lithe. Very supple.

I had to create a

word to capture me.

I'm very hard to describe.

Tall, blonde, posh.

That's very reductive, Mal.

Anyway, my mantra is

minimal, natural, simple.

I'm actually reclaiming

the word "simpleton."

Oh, well, if anyone can.

You should follow me, Della.

It's a public account, so, yeah.

I'll give you a

follow. Um yeah.

Yeah, sure. I had to set up an

account to keep eyes on Darius.

At the moment it's all Fortnite and

Gladiators and, er, UK trap drills.

What about his Finsta?

What about his

what-sta? "Fake Insta."

It's where the kids

put all the stuff

they don't want

the olds to read.

Darius doesn't

have one of those.

According to

Mumsnet, they all do.

Don't go there, Anne.

It's a can of worms.

Anyway, er, Senuous is

really gaining traction.

I've actually just

been approached

to do a piece on minimal

living by a magazine.

You might have heard of it,

Della. SoHaHighLife? No.

Ah, the free estate

agent's mag? Yes!

Yeah. We use it for

Morten's rabbit hutch.

Yeah, it's gratis, but

it's very aspirational.

For rabbits.

So there is a photographer

coming on Monday.

Yeah, just some informal

shots of me and my crib.

Next stop, Living Etc, probably.

THEY CHUCKLE I don't know.

If you have any bric-a-brac

that you want to off-load for

the car-boot sale tomorrow?

I mean, maybe like a single

candle or something, Anne.

What about all the stuff

you dumped in my garage

when Johnny stopped

paying for your storage?

Hardly bric-a-brac, Mummy,

like, a couple of curated

items from my style archive.

Does SoHaHighLife know

you're a secret hoarder?

We're going to

need a bigger boot.

Anne, focus. Mal needs a hand.

Oh, sorry.

Look, Amanda, I found

your high horse!

Very amusing, Mal.

This was actually the focal

point of my old extension.

Can I keep this here, Mummy?

No, darling, I'm converting

this into a home sauna.

I haven't got space

for it elsewhere.

You have four bedrooms and two

receptions and a conservatory.

It's not my fault I got to

keep the house in my divorce.

Yes, I am single.

Don't worry, she has a

carer to keep her company.

She was not a carer,

she was my PA.

I had to let her go when I found her

wrist deep in my Creme De La Mer.

This is great, actually.

It's really good, yeah.

No, I'm so ready to streamline

all these investment pieces.

AMANDA EXHALES DEEPLY

Hello, Anne? Could you

doomscroll on your own time?

OK, it's just that the

way to find a kid's Finsta

is through his Rinsta followers.

And I've just noticed that Darius

is being followed by Pierce Brosnan!

Oh!

Actually, no, sorry. It's,

um, Percy Bronsan. Right.

He's my uncle and he's

a GP in Kildare. OK.

Did you used to live

in a stately home?

Mal, no! Don't be silly.

No, this was my last-minute mirror

for touch-ups by the front door.

MAL GROANS

Right, what about you,

Felicity? You carbooting?

Do you want to stick

anything in the van?

Sadly, no, I've got to say goodbye

to my darling friend Bunny tomorrow.

Oh, nice. Where's she off to?

The afterlife, if

there is such a thing.

Actually, Bunny was an atheist,

so probably not for her.

sh*t. Sorry. Who's Bunny?

We modelled together

in the '80s. Aw.

She had an incredible right leg

and my left was a standout,

so we often got booked

together for hosiery shoots.

Oh, sweet! Yes.

Anyway, dead now.

Does Amanda actually make any

money from this Senuous stuff?

Oh, God, no.

Her ex, Johnny, he covers the

mortgage and the child support.

And her aunt died a couple of

years ago and left her a bit,

but she's probably come

to the end of that now

Oh! What?

I've just found

it! Darius' Finsta!

Ha! It wasn't even that

difficult. ENGINE STARTS

HOLY CHRIST! ENGINE STALLS

What?!

It says he's in a relationship!

What does that mean?

Darius has a girlfriend.

Or boyfriend.

Who is she? I mean, it doesn't

say. How do I find her?

Or him. I've just

run out of juice.

Get me a cable. Don't just

sit there, Mal, I need juice!

All right, calm down!

Here, breathe into this.

SHE PANTS

I told you not to go there.

I've just inhaled a crisp crumb.

SHE COUGHS Sorry, oh!

ENGINE STARTS

SHE COUGHS

Ah, look at those, uh

..grassy basket

things you've made.

They're fantastic.

Shall I hang some

around your table?

Yep, but I wouldn't want them

to catch on fire, you see.

I'll be over there,

setting up. Yeah, go.

Looking good, babes.

Yep. Bring her in.

Bring her in.

Yep, Keep going.

Bring her in.

Whoa! OK, yeah.

You're grand there.

THEY LAUGH

Mal!

Still no obvious signs

of arousal or flirtation.

And a top of the morning

to you too, Anne.

I've been watching

Darius like a hawk

and I'm still none the wiser

about his secret girlfriend.

Or boyfriend. Do you know

who he's getting with, Ned?

Is it a girl at school?

Who's he shifting? Anne!

What? It only means

kissing with tongues.

Ugh!

Where shall I park, Anne,

please? Oh, right, yeah, uh

..just, uh, follow the cones

all the way down to the end

and the Under-12s'

goalie will find a space.

Hey, Amanda! Just

follow the cones down

and the Under-12s' goalie

will show you the way.

Amanda! Amanda.

Amanda!

Della, hi! Is this spot free?

No, that's the fire

break. OK, thanks.

Hi, Amanda. I'm

sorry Hi, Anne!

I'm sorry, that's not a spot.

I'll have to put you in the

overspill. No, here's great.

AMANDA COUGHS

Fi! Hiya, Mands.

Hey, kids!

Um, your parasol is

encroaching on the walkway.

Is it, though? It's a trip

hazard, and that is a naked flame.

And this whole scenario is

like the opening sequence

of an episode of Casualty.

Happy?

I'm going to check

out the stalls. OK.

Oh, Manus, nothing that won't fit

in a drawer or the bin, please!

HE WHISTLES Amanda!

Come and get your stuff!

Yeah, bring it over!

I said, come and get it!

YES! BRING IT OVER!

You getting rid

of all your crap?

I wouldn't call it crap.

But, um, yeah, as it says on my

profile, I don't amass, I eschew.

Bless you. SHE CHUCKLES

You know, I Stacey

Solomoned my basement. Oh!

I need to make room

for my new workshop.

You know, I really believe that

there is money to be made in this.

Here, for you. Ah!

Is it kindling? No.

I did a wicker weaving workshop.

Ah. I can't stop.

You've got to get into basketry,

babe. It's like pure mindfulness.

And you get a rattan

coaster at the end. Wow.

Thanks, Fi. You're

welcome. I'm sorry!

Sorry, sorry, I've not

arranged everything yet.

Could you just not touch the

I'm looking for a

hoover. Have you got one?

Do I look like I sell hoovers?

I don't think so, no.

What's this? A candle snuffer.

To snuff out candles at

the end of a dinner party.

20p? Please, move on.

We haven't even

officially opened.

SHE COUGHS

I literally owned it, then!

THEY LAUGH

Ooh! Is this a scythe?

Um, no.

God, man, you really

know your tools.

Here, I did a coffee run.

Thought you could do with a

caffeine injection. Oh, thanks, JJ.

You got a good spot? Oh, yeah.

Got here at 6am.

Had the whole car park to

myself for an hour and a half.

You would not believe how

many seagulls there are

at that time in the morning.

And this is London!

Yeah, black-headed,

not herring, but still.

How are you, JJ? Hey, Anne.

Ready to raise some

serious masticator money.

Abs has had me emptying

out the loft all week.

Oh! Are you extending up?

JJ's building me a mini gym.

Yeah, but I'll

probably eff it up!

I'm not good with my

hands, not like your dad.

Oh, yeah, you be careful.

My cousin Gerard, he fell off the

roof when he was doing our loft.

Yeah. Landed on the barbecue,

got a shashlik skewer

right through the thigh.

Missed his testicle

by a whisker.

I would recommend him

for your loft but, um,

he has flashbacks every

time he sees a ladder.

And also, he's just

moved to Canada.

Oh. Yes

AMANDA GRUNTS

Oh, come for your

high horse, Amanda?

Yes, you've done that joke, Mal.

Anne, could you give

me a hand, please?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

It's just, I do need to

keep eyes on Darius, though.

Anne, leave him be! He'll

tell you when he's ready.

I told my mammy

everything. Yeah?

First period, first shift,

the time I thought I broke

my hymen on a see-saw.

If I asked Mummy

anything personal,

she just steered me to the Just

Seventeen problem page. Oh.

That's kind of sad, Amanda.

Yes, that's a bolster.

Isn't it lovely?

It matched the blinds in

my second spare bedroom.

It's, uh, silk from a kimono.

Would you take 50p? No.

Um, I was thinking more

in the region of £85.

Mummy?

What are you doing here?

Oh. I decided I needed

a clear-out after all.

How was the funeral?

It was a riot, Amanda.

No, it was bloody depressing.

I got away as soon as I could.

Just a lot of old people crying.

Oh, Mummy. Is this

still drinkable?

Oh, I wouldn't, Mum. It's

probably been in there a while.

Who's the biftek hache on bao?

Here. Yep, thank you.

Got any ketchup?

Your parasol has crept into

the thoroughfare again, Della.

Does it matter? Well, if

everyone took an extra inch,

what do you think would happen?

Nothing, Anne.

Nothing would happen.

Is there nowhere else

you can stick it?

Oh, no, there is.

PHONE CHIMES

You're fecking kidding me!

JJ HUMS TUNE

Oh, wow!

Having a good boot, Manus? Yep.

I got some loafers for

school, a burner phone.

Ooh, and

..an Eiffel Tower

snow globe for Gangan.

Ah, nice!

I used to have one

just like this.

Exactly like this, actually.

I got it off Ned's dad.

I'm Ned's dad. Oh.

Um his other dad?

THEY LAUGH

Payback. For the coffee.

Thanks, mate.

So, um, I found a

working Acorn computer,

but Abs says I'm under

strict instructions

not to bring anything home.

I think that's a brandy bottle.

Limoncello.

Oh, yeah.

That was in our hallway.

Abs wants to put up a

photo wall of the kids.

There should be a hat for this.

Oh, is that what this is?

A tiny camel hat.

You know, have it.

You know what? Take

anything you like.

We're just trying to

reclaim some loft space.

Yeah, well, think of

the space you'll save

when you get rid of this. Yeah.

Oh, Mal!

Mal. Mal, wait!

Can you open your van, because

I need to put this back in?

Do I have to lug all

your old sh*t home again?

Not sure there's any need to

be quite so micro-aggressive.

OK.

It's Morten Fry! What?

Why does it have to

be Fi and Della's kid?

That pair of booze pushers, they

practically alcohol-poisoned Darius

and now he's going steady

with their daughter!

Honestly, I think you

should be relieved, Anne.

I mean, at least

he's not an incel.

Can you do this? I've done a

lot of lifting today. Yeah.

Darius, he needs boundaries.

He's so suggestible.

I mean, they'll have

him ballooning crack

before he's even sat his GCSEs.

Anne, those gals are

just loosey-goosey,

that is the way they roll.

Don't be so uptight. Watch

the corners, it's an antique!

Can you lock up? Yeah.

PHONE CHIMES

Amanda, darling, can you

pass me that decanter?

I need a top-up.

Yeah, I mean, you have

the baldies and the alkies

and the fatty gammons,

that makes sense,

but slim women with

great legs, no!

This death thing is

out of control, Fi.

They're coming for

the models now.

Honestly, babe. You've

got to get into wicker.

Since I started this fruit bowl, I

haven't thought about death once.

Well, it's all I

can think about now.

I'm next on the list, I know it.

Can we please stop talking

about death, Mummy?

Yeah, let's talk about life!

I bet your mate Bunny

had a brilliant life.

What was she like? Hmm.

She was great fun, actually.

A real fixture of the scene.

I last worked with her

in '98 on a Scholl sh**t.

I never understood

why she gave up.

She had a good eight years

of modelling left in her.

Ten with a decent Factor 50.

But, no, she jacked it all in

and opened a big cat sanctuary.

Oh, she had lions?

No, normal, small cats.

A big small cat sanctuary.

Oh.

Oh. That's lovely.

Gosh, you've got great taste.

Thank you.

You should follow me on the

socials. My handle's Senuous.

Sensuous?

Senuous. S-E-N-U-O-U-S.

Oh, are you an influencer?

I see myself as more of

a visual storyteller.

They're actually doing a feature

on me in SoHaHighLife next month.

Wow! A pretty big deal.

Yeah. Oh!

Love this guy. Isn't it great?

What a lot of fun.

Oh. So good, isn't it?

God, he'd look great in the

corner of my kids' bedroom.

No, it wouldn't. Um,

this is a focal piece.

You don't put horsey in the corner,

you would build a room around him.

Oh. Yeah. All right.

What would you let him go for?

Ooh Go on.

£125. Oh, OK.

Or maybe Sorry, more

probably like £500.

Please don't finger my pouffe.

Yeah, I'll have

a think about it.

Uh, Mummy, would you

keep an eye on my stuff?

And if anyone wants to buy anything,

just tell them I'll be back in a mo.

OK. You know, I'm with Bunny.

I couldn't wait to

get out of fashion.

I mean, I don't regret it,

I loved all the free sh*t,

but once we'd had Morten,

don't know, just didn't

have the appetite for it.

There's more to life than

clothes and after-parties.

Yeah. Is there, though?

Hi. Where's the tall, blonde

posh woman that was here?

Oh, she'll be back in a jiffy.

I was hoping to buy the horse.

Oh, God, no, go for it.

Um, what shall we say, uh, 20?

20? Seriously?

All right, um, 15.

Great!

There you go.

Lovely!

SHE GRUNTS

Ah!

I never did like that horse.

Always felt it was

looking down on me.

What's her problem?

She hates the Irish.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mummy,

where's my high horse - my

horse horse my horse?

Well, somebody bought it.

I thought you'd be pleased,

now you're a minimalist.

What?

Who took it?

Mummy, which way did they go?

No, Darius just isn't ready,

I mean, he's only just learnt

to clip his own toenails.

Morten is going

to eat him alive!

It's fine, Anne. They'll go

out and then they'll break up

and all the keepsakes that they

collected when they were together

will end up being sold to

some stranger for a quid.

Oh, Mal, what's wrong?

Abs is Marie Kondoing

me out of her history.

That poster of the bus route

between Abs' old flat and mine.

The limoncello bottle we drank

the night I proposed to her.

This stupid money box we bought

to save up for our honeymoon,

Abs kept raiding it to buy weed.

Mal, are you still in

love with your ex-wife?

Are you mental?

Have you met her?

Do you know she has

an Uber rating of 3.6?

That's a red flag.

How much for the loppers? Um

You know what, mate? Just take

'em. I don't care any more.

Guys, have you seen my horse?

No. No.

AMANDA SIGHS

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Hey, excuse me. I'm

sorry, that's my horse.

My horse isn't for

sale. Oh! Sorry!

No, but I've actually just

bought it off your sister, so

That's my mother and she

made a mistake. I'm sorry!

Oh, bless her! But I have paid

good money for this now, so

Oh, you can absolutely

have your money back

but, please, this really

means a lot to me.

It was actually the focal point

of my old extension. Oh, sweet!

Yeah, yeah, it was, actually.

Thank you! But it's mine now.

Oh, thanks for understanding.

So if you could just get off!

You get off! Get off!

GET OFF MY HIGH HORSE!

Get off!

CAMERA SHUTTER

CLICKS Delete that!

Delete that.

SHE PANTS

I'm sorry, it's only bog roll.

I can't use that.

Give me your sleeve.

OK. You've much nicer things

than that wooden pony, Amanda.

You don't get it, Anne. You're

not a style obsessive like me.

You probably couldn't name,

like, a single interior designer.

Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.

Exactly. Well, there's a reason

that horse was in storage for

the last three years. Yeah.

Because my ceilings

aren't high enough.

No, it's because that horse

belongs to the old Amanda.

I just don't know if I'm ready to

give up on Regency proportions.

I miss Chiswick, Anne!

Yeah, but Chiswick

doesn't deserve you.

You're the queen of SoHa now.

You're a big fish in a

..in an up-and-coming pond.

Yeah, you're the

new Amanda. Yeah.

So much bolder,

brighter, braver.

I couldn't do what you're

doing, reinventing yourself.

Yeah.

AMANDA BREATHES DEEPLY

Thanks for saying that.

You're like Madonna.

Not Madonna, Anne.

She's, like, 70.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

What?

ANNE GASPS

Darius!

Oh, my God.

Darius is shifting

Georgie! Oh, my God.

Oh, thank Christ

he's not with Morten!

Oh, Amanda. This is

the best thing ever!

We're practically

like in-laws now!

Yay! Aw, look. Tears of joy.

AMANDA SNIFFLES

Yo, flogged all your hoes?

Um, done all right.

People love an old tool.

Takes one to know

one. JJ CHUCKLES

No, but seriously.

Listen, this is for you.

Anne told me you were

a bit, like, cut up.

So I thought I should repatriate

these to their rightful owner.

Right. Yeah. It's really

not that big of a deal.

I get it, I do.

Abs is an amazing woman.

And after everything

that happened

I'm not quite sure what you

I just want you to know I feel

sick to my stomach about it, Mal.

No, I do, because I have

to live with the fact

that I stole another man's wife!

No, but you didn't. You

don't have to say that.

We'd been divorced for two

years before you guys even met.

Oh, will you stop

being the nice guy?

I don't deserve you.

If I could be one tenth

of the man you are.

You even give amazing hugs.

I should move my car.

But, seriously,

though thanks.

Ned! What?

That's my stuff.

Oh!

My bad. I thought

this was a bin.

HE SIGHS

Did you get your big

horse back, darling? No.

I decided to let it go. Move on.

Mal's taken the rest of my

stuff to the charity shop.

I'm fully embracing my

simpleton lifestyle.

Turn that page. Start anew.

Yeah. Leave the past behind.

My old friend Bunny

would approve.

Oh, Mummy.

But she had a great life, right?

Yeah, well, you know.

She died alone in a tiny

flat, surrounded by cats.

I told you, it was a

very depressing funeral.

But you do you, darling.

Who burnt this basket?

Oh, God.

Dels, babe.

I think I've found my calling!

Oh. I just bought it off

that bloke for a fiver!

Yep. Lovely.

Yeah! Great. I'm just going to chuck

in the back of the car, actually.

Sorry!

So, have you worked for

SoHaHighLife for long?

I'm, er, freelance.

Oh, cool.

Oh, just tuck

that Oh, behind?

Yeah.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Sorry, do you think I

could get a glass of water?

Of course, of

course. Absolutely.

I love your minimal style!

Thank you.