01x01 - House Party

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains

some strong language

Oh, thank God we made it on time!

Guys, guys, guys?

Team talk.

We're going to be late.

Yes, I know. I just want to say

..I know it's not ideal

moving schools mid-term,

and I know you miss Chiswick,

but it will be OK, OK?

Look, when I changed school

when I was 13,

I didn't know a single person.

Within half a term I was voted

the most popular girl ever.

How is that even possible?

Mummy's talking.

My point is I'm a people person.

And historically, our people

are people people.

Literally any of those kids

out there could be your new BFF.

OK, so you get out there,

and you find your people.

OK?

Hi, I'm Georgie. You all right?

No!

No. Not those people.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

You can't park here. I'm sorry?

No parking. Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you.

Hey, get back here, you. Mum!

Get off!

Look at the state of you,

you monkey!

Have a lovely day, Darius. Anne!

I love you!

Oh, my God! I literally hate you.

Shut the front door.

Anne, look at you!

You off to a funeral?

No, I've got a work meeting at 9.30.

Yeah, course you have! Get in.

I'll drop you off.

OK

So your Georgie and my Darius

back in the same class again. Mmm.

Must be the end of days,

you leaving Chiswick.

Oh, I'm done with W4.

I'm all about So-Ha.

Oh. What's So-Ha?

Oh, it's, erm

It's what the property experts

call South Harlesden.

Oh, so, like, that area

around Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

Yeah, but it's called So-Ha.

There's So-Ha, No-Ha, Ea-Ha, We-Ha.

Aha.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm actually glad I took the kids

out of private school.

They've got way more chance

of getting into Oxbridge

from a bog-standard state.

Haycroft is fantastic. Yeah.

They've got a great STEM hub. OK.

And a rock choir.

And the t*rture scene

from A Clockwork Orange

was filmed in the playground.

Yeah, I'm more of

a book person, Anne.

Well, it's actually based

on a book

Gosh, it's so great to reconnect.

Yes! After all these years!

So great, yeah!

Cos we were worried about you

there for a while,

what with your divorce,

and your shop - sorry, store -

closing, and your falling out

with your mammy. All right, Anne.

Don't you worry about lil' ol' me.

It's all good.

So what is the skinny

with the school, please?

Are there any movers and shakers?

Any fun mums?

Well, I'm here!

Yeah?

Erm, ah, I think someone's dad

is a coroner, and, erm

Oh, Morten's mammy Della,

she runs that restaurant Shin,

and I think Tariq's dad

Wait, babe, back up. Shin?

Yeah, you know that place

beside the megachurch

that used to be a Debenhams?

Yeah. I know Shin, Anne. Oh, yeah.

Their ossobuco is off the charts.

Wow!

Key change. Are you and Della Fry

bum chums?

Oh, God, no. No, no.

I sometimes see her at football

but she mostly keeps herself

to herself.

What Wait, wait. What football?

All our kids play

for Hounslow Eagles.

Right. Hounslow Eagles.

..Eagles. Yeah.

I'm afraid, Anne, I'm going to have

to drop you here.

Oh, yeah, we're just

nowhere near the station

I'm sorry. I've barely got enough

charge to get myself home.

Oh, yeah. OK.

'Tis the price I pay

for going green. Yeah!

Oh, would you pop that in

the bin on your way?

Yeah, of course.

Siri, nearest Sports Direct.

DOORBELL RINGS

Mal. Yep, me again.

Guess what I'm going to ask.

As you know, I need to park there

to charge my car.

I'm sorry if my saving the planet

annoys you.

It does annoy me. You block me in.

Can you move your car, please?

There's a charging point

literally down the road.

Please don't mansplain.

That is not mansplaining.

Oh, so now you're mansplaining

mansplaining?

I'm going to be late for football.

Hashtag Me Too!

That is not what

Hashtag Me Too mea

HE SIGHS Forget about it.

Georgie, Manus, we need to leave

in five minutes!

What? The wi-fi's gone off!

DOORBELL RINGS

Mum! No!

Turn it back on!

Oh! Darling, let me in

before I get mugged.

What can I do for you, Mummy?

We're going out.

I love how you've made

your little house look so swishy.

I thought I'd bring you a little

tuck parcel from Waitrose,

now that you've only got

a Tesco Metro.

Little splash of wine, and some

Earl Grey chocs for the children,

and goji berries for you.

Oh, well, that actually will be

really nice in my bircher muesli.

You're still doing breakfast?

While I'm here, would you do up

my brassiere?

Why can't Joy do it?

That's what you pay her for.

Manus, Georgie, we're going!

I'm not talking to Joy.

Why you insisted I needed a PA,

it's

Mummy, Joy is your carer.

Oh, ridiculous!

I'm perfectly capable.

Now just do up my bra

and I'll be on my way.

Come on!

No, looser, looser.

OK.

Oh, look at you two, sporty bobs!

Kiss-kiss for Gan Gan.

Oh. I don't spend enough time

with my little bears.

Well, Mummy, you could come

with us to football.

God, no! Erm, do you mind

if I use your loo?

I can let myself out.

But you're going to have to help me

out of my Spanx.

sh**t!

Brilliant. Goal of the season, that.

Shut up! Yep.

Oh, hiya, Mal! You're very brave

out here reffing this lot

in your shorts.

Well, no-one else wants to do it.

Plus I love being called a paedo

for an hour and a half.

Yeah. Hey, Dad.

Hey!

You all right? How you doing, fella?

Ooh. Someone's discovered

aftershave!

Oh, get off, man!

LAUGHTER

Well, there he is!

The big man in the short shorts!

I'd wear shorts like that nonstop

if I had legs like yours.

How's the babby, JJ?

Did Abs get that prolapse sorted?

Yeah, no, she's doing great.

Thank you for asking.

Don't be tempted

to go for the vaginal mesh, cos

jeez, it's a job getting that stuff

out of there

once it's fused with your lining.

Y-yes, I will definitely

pass that on.

So

HE CLEARS THROA

..here's Ned's bag.

Abs told me to tell you

his toothbrush needs charging.

Cool.

You heading off?

Ye No, I thought

I'd hang around,

watch a bit of the old footy.

Didn't know you were

a fan of football.

Yeah, course! I love it, mate.

Can't get enough of it.

In fact, if you need someone to be

erm, one of the, ah, flag bearers

They're desperate for someone

to coach the Under-15s girls.

No, I I don't think that

I'll put your name down. Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

She made it.

Guys, you are going to love Amanda.

We're old mum chums

from junior school.

Hi! Hello.

Hi.

Do you guys know each other?

Yeah, we're neighbours.

I live above him.

He's very much beneath me.

Hi, I'm JJ, Ned's step-dad.

Oh, sweet!

Is there a viewing deck or, like,

somewhere inside to watch from?

Yes. There's a Bollinger Marquee

just behind the men's bogs.

That's very funny.

He's joking. I know.

There was a gazebo but it

got blown away in Storm Gerald.

Are you cold, Amanda?

Would you like my dry robe?

I don't think so, Anne.

Actually, give me the dry robe.

Oh, yeah, sure, of course.

Listen, erm, me and some mum chums

are going to sink some fizz later

if you fancy meeting the Anne g*ng?

You're more than welcome

to join us too, Mal.

Oh, I can't tonight, Anne.

I've got Ned this weekend.

I've got the Technics out -

I'm going to give him

a crash course in

some old school UK garage.

Well, that sounds horrific.

I'll definitely need to be

out of the house.

It's a yes from me, Anne.

Oi, paedo!

Are we playing or what?

MAL SIGHS

Oh. Phew!

She's talking to you.

JJ LAUGHS

Right, wish me luck.

All right, come on, girls.

Let's get started. Oh, my God.

There she is.

Della Fry. Wow.

Did you read her piece

in the Evening Standard?

They're opening another Shin

in Kilburn.

Double Shin. Right. Yeah.

Oh, that's her wife, Fi.

Oh, wife.

So they're

Oh, they're lesbians.

Oh, right, yes! Yeah, yeah.

All right, Anne, yes!

I got it, yeah!

It's the 21st century.

There's no need to be

so weird about it. OK.

How do I look?

Oh, like a butterfly

from a chrysalis.

Oh, my God, where is she going?

Ugh! I left you in charge

for one day, Diego.

It's just an escalope -

you're not splitting

the bloody atom.

Oi! Yeah

Get off the pitch!

Mm-hm, yep.

Argh!

Oh!

Ah Hold on.

It's OK, I'm fine.

I'm OK!

Here.

I'm fine!

Oh, look, honestly, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Thank you.

Oh

Hi.

Hi. Your coat's f*cked.

Are you all right, babe?

She's fine.

Oh, don't worry. It's, erm

It's last season.

I'm OK, everyone!

Mum, can we please go?

I'm literally freezing.

Sure thing, baby.

OK, Della, we're going!

We're going home. Erm

Morten, where are you going?

You're supposed to be the goalie!

She's freezing!

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Yeah. Thank God

Della was here to rescue me.

Oh. Oh!

God! Can everyone please stop

kicking ba*ls at my head?

Argh! Argh!

God. Mummy!

What the hell?!

Well, you were out,

so I made a spot of lunch

and I thought I'd have

a little siesta.

Please go home.

Joy will be waiting for you.

Also, I need to get changed.

What for?

I'm having

Erm, actually, you're right.

It doesn't matter.

It's only drinks with Anne.

Well, I can look after

the kiddy-winks for you.

No, it's fine. I'll be in and out.

It's just a drive-by dazzle,

give Anne a boost.

Can you please get out of my bed?

Well, at least let me

finish my wine.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, Bloody Joy.

First name, k*ll.

She's a sociopath.

I've read about this.

She's gaslighting me.

Mummy, please go home.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, what? Oh!

DOOR OPENS

What now?

You've blocked me in again.

Well, I thought you were staying in

and playing your awful garage.

No, Ned's been invited to

a party at Morten's

so I'm Uber-dad for the night.

Morten as in Della Fry's daughter?

There's a party at her house?

Yeah. Our whole class is going.

Oh, hello!

Back inside, Mummy.

You're baby-sitting Manus.

Er?

DOOR CLOSES

HE SIGHS

Yeah.

These could be our people Georgie,

all right? So just be cool.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Hi!

Hi. So you found us OK then, yeah?

Yeah. It was fine, thanks, Morten.

I love that top, BT Dubs.

Aw. "BT Dubs." That's cute.

Is your mum in?

Your Well, your mums.

Just cos I brought some flowers.

Yeah. Mums!

Fi! Oh, the other

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!

Hey! Hi!

Hi. Come in. You come in, Georgie.

Hey, you must be Fi. I'm Amanda.

I just wanted to give you these.

Well, Della. I don't know

if she's

Erm, something for saving my life.

Aw, aren't you a sweetheart?

Do you want to come in?

Yes. Erm, I Yeah, I'm sure

I have time.

I might just actually get

rid of these Oh.

..first, though, cos Della

f*cking hates lilies.

Oh! 'Scuse the box.

That is my ceramic kiln.

Oh, do you potter?

Yeah, well that's the plan,

though I do need to get

a non-flammable floor.

That'll teach me not to go

on Amazon pissed.

AMANDA LAUGHS Come on in.

Hey, hi! Oh, look at you,

sauteing away.

It's like watching The Bear.

Dels, babe, this is Manda, one of

the mums from Morten's class.

She brought you these.

A-manda.

Yeah, there were some flowers

in the flowers,

just to say thank you for being

my hero at football!

Oh, yeah, you're the one

who went arse over tit.

I know!

Yeah.

Classic!

Can I just say, I am such

a big fan of your work.

You must get that a lot.

Yeah. I'm actually, like,

a mega foodie myself.

I used to work front-of-house

at Quo Vadis, in my 20s,

So, ah, I know my parfait

from my brulee.

Yeah, well, they're very

different foods.

Yes. Well, I Yeah, I know.

I know.

Do you fancy a drink, Mands?

I'm just making a pisco sour.

Ooh, hells, yeah!

I'm absolutely loving your 'crib',

by the way.

Aw, thank you. Yah, it's so bohemian

but also, like, utilitarian.

WHISPERING: What are you doing

asking her for a drink?

I'm already cooking for

15 teenagers on my one night off.

I don't have the bandwidth

for small talk.

Oh, come on, babe.

She's new, and I just think

she's a bit lonely.

Georgie settled in OK at Haycroft?

Yeah. It's a great school.

We love it.

It has a lot of problems.

Totally. But I mean we love it

for its problems.

Apparently - if you're a film buff

you'll like this - they shot

one of the scenes from A Chocolate

Orange in the playground.

Yeah. Kind of cool.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh. Morten!

Oh, goodness. Doorbell!

God's sake. Morten?!

Morten!

Is that chimchiminee?

Chimichurri. Chimichurri.

Amanda introduced me, actually,

to oats milk and face primer

and doing tricep dips

using a kitchen chair.

Yeah! She must've got lost.

I'll just resend the What3words.

What harm?

So, ah

Mattress.

Indigo.

Cattery. OK.

Great!

The master at work.

Della, would you mind if I got

a quick pic for my socials?

I do mind, actually.

I respect that.

PHONE ALER

Well, they scoffed all the hot dogs.

Oh, Fi, come and try this.

Off the knife,

just like the Catalonians.

Mmm.

That Yeah?

..is insane, babe.

Mmm!

I'll have what she's having!

Just a little taste.

Ooh, lovely.

So amazing!

Oh Wow.

That is some good cookery.

Are you in the restaurant game, Fi?

God, no.

I was in Fashion. Ah!

A stylist. Of course. Hello!

And interiors.

I actually designed this place.

Wow. What a power couple.

Mm, thanks.

Er

Busted, little missy.

I see you, Morten!

It's cool. Right, Mums?

Oh, no. Put that back, Morten.

Thank you.

You're 14 years old, guys.

Yeah, you never pair pork

with Prosecco.

Ah, go with a light red

Or hold on.

Yeah, a robust white, like this.

OK?

You know, I prefer them to be

drinking here than on the streets.

Yeah, I trained in France,

and I like their relaxed approach.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me too, Della.

I'm just the same.

I love their whole

.. "du pain, du vin, du Boursin"

thang.

Yeah. Right, shutters down.

Service is over.

I am ready for a hot tub, baby.

Mmm! We're going for a dip in

the tubmerine, Mands, if you fancy?

Ah, she has no swimmers.

Well, she doesn't need any.

Erm

La

Skinny dipping?

No, I mean you can borrow some.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I hope you didn't think

because you're both Oh, no, no.

..together that I thought

that you'd be Not at all.

Sorry! That's so

I don't know why I said that!

LAUGHTER

I'd love to. Brilliant, yeah.

Yeah, great. OK, not a problem!

Don't worry, darling. I'll just

pop upstairs and get you some OK.

You sit here, OK, darling? OK.

Won't be a minute. OK, yeah, yeah.

I think I'm going to head.

We're off to Go Ape first thing.

Ah, yeah. You'll get to meet

Amanda another time.

Bye. Yeah.

Ah!

SHE GULPS LOUDLY

Mal! Oh, God.

Hello!

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

What about your lads night-in?

Well, Ned's gone to a party,

so you know.

I've all that still to come, sure.

Darius is still only little,

you know?

I left him at home watching

Gladiators,

snuggled up with Mr Blanky!

MAL LAUGHS

Yeah, I can't really complain.

If I had the choice

between chirpsing girls

and watching my dad boil pasta,

I know what I'd choose.

Yeah. I know what I'd choose!

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh!

It's Amanda. I knew she'd come!

Hello!

IN HOARSE VOICE: Oh, hey, Anne.

SHE COUGHS Oh.

Are you OK, Amanda?

No, erm, I'm not feeling great,

actually, Anne.

I lay down for a nap and

I've literally just woken up.

You do sound a bit awful. Yeah.

Can I bring you anything? Olbas oil?

I think I'm just going

to stay in bed, Anne.

I'm just so gutted to miss

your little gathering.

OK. Well, ah, bye, Amanda.

You rest up now.

Bye, Anne.

FI: Manda, are you coming in

or what?

Yeah, coming Fi!

Oh, God. This is so nice.

It's so fresh.

You can't even smell the chlorine.

That's cos I don't use chlorine.

I actually did a homeopathy

diploma a few years ago.

Don't believe in chemicals.

Right.

Yeah.

Tell that to the MRSA.

CHANTING

CHEERING

Oh, gosh, do you think we should go

and check what the kids are up to?

No.

Ah, there she is. Oh, there she is -

get in!

Let's get this party started.

Get in!

Fi, put it in zen mode.

Yeah. Ah.

Fabulous. Oh, that's nice.

Ah.

PHONE RINGS

Oh! God, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

You all right, babe?

Yeah, sorry, it's Mummy's carer.

Hired her to take the pressure

off me and now I'm managing

both of them. Sorry.

You don't need to hear any of that.

Della went through all that

recently with her mum.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's brutal.

Damn straight.

Would you like some mushrooms?

Yeah. Yeah?

Sure, yeah. Thank you, Della.

I love mushrooms.

Although I'm going to go out on

a limb - I'm not a big fan

of truffle oil.

I think once Cafe Rouge starts

putting it on its chips

it sort of loses its draw a bit.

No, no. Magic mushrooms.

Della makes them with chocolate.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool. Cool.

Cool. Hmm?

Oh, a nice big bit.

Yeah. Let's get back on the bubbles!

LAUGHTER

Yes, mate! Now it's my night off!

Now! Yes, mate.

Woohoo!

Woo!

Waaaaaay! Ooo-ah!

Take him down! Take him down!

Oh! Josh, can you hear me?

You go down the gulley.

He's locked in! Manus?

Manus, darling? Is he dead?

Manus, darling!

Ah, one sec, Josh.

Who are you talking to?

My friend Josh.

As long as you're not being

groomed, darling.

Do you want a go?

Not with this wrist, kiddo.

Busted it shucking oysters.

Mummy says it's osteoarthritis

and you're only going to get worse.

Oh, does she?

DOORBELL

Mrs Sanderson?

Oh, it's bloody Joy! She's found me.

Shall I open the door?

Absolutely not.

Turn off the light!

Mrs Sanderson? Are you in there?

She's like the Terminator.

Is she trying to k*ll you?

Good as.

You know, she won't let me have

a drink until five.

FI: Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

KIDS CHAN

Yeah.

SCREAMING Oh!

Christ! Ahhh

Should we Do you think we should

see if the kids are all right?

No, it's fine.

The sh*t we got up to

when we were their age

We'd have been necking Buckfast.

The old demon Ribena!

GLASS SMASHING

CHEERING

I'm just going to nip to the loo.

Mushrooms'll do that to you, Mands.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

DANCE MUSIC

BALLOON POPS Oh!

Georgie.

Oh, my God. Why are you here?!

Georgie, we're going.

Bye.

Why are you in a dressing gown?

Because I was in the hot tub.

Gross. Grab your shoes.

I'll get my knickers.

Oh, my God!

Is that Anne's little boy?

Uh-huh.

SHE SHOUTS: What have you been

drinking, Darius?

Something called Ar mag-nack?

Armagnac. The G is silent.

Darius?

Is this your phone?

Yeah.

Call Anne. Call his mum.

Can't you? No, because

It doesn't matter.

Just say that Darius needs

to go home, and I will tell Della

and Fi we're leaving.

Do you want some water?

Nooo

There's Ned, when he was two.

Lickle fatty bom bom!

He used to snuggle into bed

between me and Abs. Aw.

Oh, yeah, sure,

Darius still does that.

Oh, look, there's Darius.

In his little helmet!

For his rhombus-shaped head.

MAL CHUCKLES

And those are Oh, God!

MAL LAUGHS

I didn't see anything!

No, no, no, those are for

the dermatologist,

just to check that the moles

on my chest haven't grown.

I didn't see.

PHONE ALER

Oh, Darius.

Hello, bunny.

What?

PHONE RINGS

IN HOARSE VOICE: Hey, Anne.

Don't panic, but this is

a nightmare. I've just had a call,

and something awful has happened

at Fi and Della's house.

Oh, goodness.

Yeah. All the children are there!

I don't know how they got there,

but they're all there.

So I've called

all the other parents,

and, ah, I'll get Georgie for you.

Anne, no! N-no need.

Hey, guys. Erm, I'm actually going

to have to bust a move.

I know - boo! But thank you so much

for such a terrific evening.

Aw, no, don't be a pooper, Mands!

Safe travels!

Oh, I know.

Ah, guys, there's some parents here

and they're acting really

f*cking hectic.

INDISTINCT VOICES

It's my one night off!

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Where's the towel?

Babe? Huh?

I'm really coming up.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE WHISPERS:

Georgie, meet me by the car.

Morten said I could sleep over

and everything. Sh!

Get in the car!

BEEPING Oh, bloody thing!

Right.

I'll just charge it

for a minute. Don't move.

Oh, God Get down!

Darius? Darius!

You all right, Ned?

He He is. I've checked.

No signs of intoxication.

Darius?

Oh, Darius, my baby!

That smells like Christmas.

Has he been drinking Arm-ag-nack?

FI LAUGHS WILDLY

I warned you about alcohol. I showed

you that video of David Hasselhoff

eating a burger off the floor.

Shut up! Just go away.

Where did you even get it?

Was it Lidl?!

FI CONTINUES LAUGHING

What is so funny?

Sorry. Nothing!

Look, I just gave them

a few bottles from the cellar.

It's no big deal.

"No big deal"? No.

It's a very big deal.

They're 15 years of age,

for Christ's sakes.

Yeah. They're 15 years of age.

I don't like your attitude.

I don't like YOUR attitude.

FI LAUGHS

Oh, sh! You should have told us!

No-one told us there would be booze.

Are you all right there, Amanda?

Oh, the poor thing.

Look, you've made her come in all

the way from her sick bed in So-Ha.

What?

I'm in and out, Anne.

I don't want to give you my lurgy.

Just giving my car a quick juice.

You know what, Amanda,

it's worse than we thought

because Della gave booze

to our children.

Oh, grow up. Hmm!

Oh, that is not cool.

What do you mean?

You said it was fine!

Huh? Have you been here all evening?

No. Well, I mean

..I was en route to see you.

You were ba*ls-deep in our jacuzzi

up till five minutes ago.

ANNE GASPS

All right, calm down.

You lied to me.

Hey, Anne, while you were sinking

Chablis in the pub,

I was saving your child.

I was saving all your children.

I literally waded through vomit.

Was this after you'd dragged

yourself out of the jacuzzi or

All right! Everybody, please

leave my house.

Thank you, Della.

No, especially you.

You know what?

Forget it. I'm out.

VARIOUS PARENTS: Come on. All right,

come on, big man. Come on.

I came here tonight

to find my people.

Well, the people have spoken,

and they have said, "We are very

"not very nice people."

OK, everybody, get out!

I'm serious this time.

Yes, yes, we're going. Clear off!

BEEPING

Oh

Eff my life!

Let that be a lesson to you,

you silly billy.

If you have come to rub it in,

Anne

Do you want to lift?

Sorry you had to come and get me.

That's all right.

I like doing boring dad stuff.

I miss it. You hungry?

Yeah. Them hot dogs were disgusting.

You're on sick bowl duty.

Yup.

All right, who's ready to rave?

MUSIC: Skankin'

by Tai Jason

RETCHING

AMANDA: Oh, God!

Hello?

Mummy? Manus?

Quick! Shut the door

before she sees us!

Who?

Hello? Mrs Sanderson? Oh

I've come to take you home.

Oh, well done.