Salsa (2024)

[bunniefuu]

ISLAND OF MALA GLAVA, 1980

...there still lives,

The spirit of our grandfathers

While for the people the heart beats

Of their sons

Long live, the spirit Slavic

You will live for ages

Futile is the Hell's abyss

Futile the fire of thunder

Comrade Tito,

welcome to our pretty islet.

Do I look like Comrade Tito to you?

I apologize.

It's dark.

I f*cked up.

If I may ask...

Where's our president?

To reveal the reason of his absence

would endanger national security.

But he is willing to partake

in the discussion via...

The Hot Line.

Can you call him then?

Tito has delegated the decision to me,

to see if it's worth his time.

Comrade General...

You may use my code name.

Peckerwood.

All right, Comrade Peckerwood.

We really need to talk to the President.

I understand.

That's why I'm here.

I'm listening.

I'm not sure how much you know about it

but Marshal Tito is a longtime patron

of our island's military research lab.

In the spirit of brotherhood and unity

of our nations and nationalities

Tito has been supporting our work

to eradicate ethnic nationalisms

that could endanger the cohesion

of our Federal Republic.

Colleague?

In layman's terms...

After years of painstaking research

we managed

to isolate the nationalist gene.

The next step was to eradicate it.

But...

That's where things...

went south.

SUMMER TEETH

What's up, queen?

The boss is here.

Yep.

Did you ask him?

"Soon", he said.

I don't give a rat's a*s.

I'm skipping town.

- Where are you going?

- To my Granny's.

Her tomatoes have grown

bigger than ever.

I'll help her harvest them.

I'll make more money than here.

It's hot as hell.

I can't wait to feel the sea breeze.

You should quit, those will k*ll you.

And you should get laid.

You can sleep in the living room.

In the bathroom, too.

But a normal person wouldn't.

Can you please just take care of it?

Give my best to the missus.

What a dipshit.

Can you believe that, Vatroslav?

- You wanted to talk?

- Sorry to bother you, but...

I need to pay my rent.

So I was wondering...

Will I get paid soon? And how much?

I think you also mentioned a raise...

I know, Vatroslav.

You saw what switching

to the euro has done to us.

Yeah.

Prices have skyrocketed, buddy.

Food, gas.

See this tomato here?

Its price tripled.

You just keep working, buddy.

And it's all gonna be OK.

You're shedding.

- There's something else.

- What now?

This costume. It's 40C outside.

- It's hot.

- Is it now?

It's really hot.

Let me ask you a question.

Are we the Bunny Catering,

or a Human Catering service?

Bunny?

So stop asking stupid questions.

Hello?

Bunny Catering, the fastest food in town.

You f*cking c**t!

I'll give you something to cry about!

Stop sniveling!

You think I'm an idiot?

Food delivery.

Hello?

Hello? Vatroslav?

- Hi, Ms Mirjana.

- Hello.

How are you?

Not so great.

And you don't sound too good either.

Well...

True. I'm not doing so well.

I can tell, as you still owe me rent.

It's time for you to pack up

and look for a new place.

You have two days

before I change the locks.

Collect your stuff

or find it at the dump. Bye!

Ms Mirjana, wait!

m*therf*cker...

What?

What the f*ck are you staring at?

You, rabbit!

I'm talking to you!

Who did you just call?

None of your business.

Did you call the cops?

What if I did? It doesn't concern you.

m*therf*cking f*gg*t.

Just wait till I get my hands on you!

I'll skin you like a rabbit!

Hey, boss.

Did you get another job

without telling me?

No, boss.

Working for the social services, huh?

Reporting people to the police?

- I didn't do it.

- Don't lie to me.

A guy came to bust up my shop.

Said a bunny called the police on him.

What a f*cking team I run.

One got all smashed up,

the other is playing a superhero.

And you want a raise, too!

- Who got smashed up?

- Filip. He's at the hospital.

Every single euro...

THE LIGHT OF THE FAMILY

GOD IS PRO-LIFE

save yourselves while you still can

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee;

blessed art thou among women

and blessed is

the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary...

Here, young man.

God is pro-life.

Glory be to the Father,

and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.

As it was in the beginning...

Filip.

Oh.

You're delivering fruit now?

No...

I heard what happened, so I...

I know you're supposed to bring oranges

but I couldn't find any so...

Hands up!

Don't be afraid. Vlatko is having dreams

about the Yugoslav secret police.

He had an unpleasant

experience with them.

But his eyes are open.

It's a trick all emigrants learn.

Don't worry about it.

Nurses will take care of it.

They don't do much anyway.

What happened?

Well...

This funny guy came by,

seemed like he hated bunnies.

Or g*y q*eers,

or g*y bunnies, I'm not sure.

As soon as he spotted me...

He was like, you f*cking f*gg*t...

The usual.

I'm used to it.

When he was done messing me up,

he turned to the shop.

I need to tell you something...

Don't confess anything!

If you need anything, I'm here.

I'm fine. Really.

But thanks.

Unless you want to go to Glava.

Glava?

Mala Glava.

The island where my family is from.

I promised my granny

I'd help her harvest tomatoes.

She has a bad hip. I told you about it.

Don't go! You won't come back alive!

Are you sure he's asleep?

Yeah.

No. I mean...

By the way...

Can you just...

Yeah.

Granny promised

to pay me 50 EUR a day.

Why not?

You're flat broke and your job is a joke.

And you're getting kicked out.

Wanna move back in with your folks?

Then get off your a*s.

You'll work a little on the island.

Granny will feed you.

You can swim in the sea, too.

Go on.

That feels good.

Oh, yeah.

A Small Island for a Great Vacation

BOSS

Hey, laddie. We'll be on Glava soon.

CLOSED UNTIL WE OPEN

Hey, laddie.

Can I help you?

Do you know

when the next boat departs?

To Glava? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Taxi boat Gringo.

Operating day and night.

Just call that number.

This is priceless, right?

You must've eaten something bad.

I didn't eat anything.

That must be it. You shouldn't

go sailing on an empty stomach.

It'll be 200.

Euros? That's more than

a plane ticket to Zagreb.

200 k*nas, buddy.

Converted to euros, that's...

Twenty-six.

Twenty-six euros and 56 cents.

Do you want your change in k*nas?

Suit yourself.

Thanks.

And remember, if you need a ride

to the mainland or anywhere,

I'm your extracurricular line.

Any time, day or night. Just call me.

Who are you?

I'm Vatroslav.

Where are you from?

Zagreb.

But I was born in the village

of Little Hell.

Vatroslav from Little Hell.

We're doomed.

We're doomed...

Excuse me, sir!

- Granny Mariljka...

- Not me!

We're doomed!

Hey, laddie.

Are you lost, dude?

Good evening.

Could you point me to

Granny Mariljka's house?

- Granny Mariljka?

- Yes.

Yo, Fritter!

- Do we know where she lives?

- Beats me.

What will you give us if we tell you?

Well...

I could use a...

Another cold one.

I could use one, too.

- So, four beers.

- That's right.

- I think you mean two beers.

- How's that?

So you're not buying us beer?

You won't buy us beer?

- Of course I will.

- Sure you will.

What a solid dude.

Thanks, dude.

Is this enough?

What's this? What are you, a kraut?

Or a chetnik?

How can he be a chetnik?

The Serbs use the dinar.

He can only be a Montenegrin.

- Same difference.

- Oh yeah?

Since when are you

an expert in geopolitics?

Leave the guy alone, boneheads.

- What?

- What are you looking at?

Get lost or I'll call your parents

and tell them

you stole meds from my office.

Only those two times.

I don't wanna hear it! Go home, now!

Stop staring at me! Beat it!

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it!

Thank you.

But you needn't have.

I would've taken care of it.

You won't be needing euros here.

What do you mean?

Here on Mala Glava

the only currency is the kuna.

How's that legal? It's impossible.

A lot of impossible things

become possible here.

But you've only just arrived.

You'll see soon enough.

Anything else I can help you with?

Actually, yes.

Can you point me

to Granny Mariljka's house?

Sure. Go up that street

and then turn right.

You'll see a big tomato field,

you can't miss it.

- Up the street.

- Up the street.

- Thanks.

- It's nothing.

DANGER MINEFIELD

Hands up!

Turn around.

Go on!

- Whatcha doin' here?

- Nothing.

Yeah? What's in the bag?

- My things.

- Open it up, now!

What did I just say?

I'm not moving, there's a minefield here.

Where?

It says there!

In the Latin alphabet, though.

Don't insult me, boy!

I didn't mean to.

At school I learned

both the Cyrillic and Latin alphabets.

Could you put the g*n down, sir?

Sure. So you can steal my tomatoes.

No. I'm here to harvest them.

"Harvest"! If it looks like a duck,

and shits like a duck, what is it?

Filip sent me to his granny

to help her harvest.

Little Filip sent you?

Yes.

- Why didn't you say so!

- Please, don't move!

Calm down, boy. I'm Mia.

I've been coming here for years

on holiday.

It looks more like a w*r campaign to me.

Oh, come on man.

You see a Serb

and you immediately think w*r!

I didn't take part in the w*r

and I didn't support it.

The political scum cooked it all up.

You know?

I'm Vatroslav.

What's that?

Vatroslav.

Vatroslav?

For real. Come on.

Veranda, bevanda, marenda, marinada

pomidora, poma, paticada,

bokun, bora...

I've learned the words. I know them all.

The villagers tell me: "Mia,

you're one of us, a Dalmatian."

"They must've switched you

at the hospital!"

It wouldn't surprise me! Hold this.

Meet Queen Jelena, my wife.

Get your paws off me.

Hi. I'm Vatroslav.

Vatroslav! I can't even.

Hey, Vatroslav.

- This here...

- Mia, c'mon.

This is my heir, Vuk.

Future CEO of

Golubovi Trade LLC, Valjevo, Serbia.

- Congratulations.

- If the company survives that long.

Oh, pussycat.

Maybe go inside

and go easy on the cigarettes?

Why did we come

to the seaside anyway?

You should've sent me off to a nunnery!

Stop it, sweetie!

Do you want to set the island on fire?

So they can accuse us Serbs again.

I bet that's exactly

what Vatroslav was thinking.

No! I've nothing against Serbs.

There, I told you.

- Next year we're going to Hvar,

I don't care. - Yes, pussycat.

- Easy now.

- Let me go! I can do it myself!

I just wanna help.

Gimme back my g*n.

See that over there?

That's Granny's house.

Go on, before she's gone to bed.

Do you wanna die of a heart attack?

You brought a whole sack of cracklings!

- Who can eat that many?

- But I love them.

But a whole sack?

What can I do? I love them.

What should I eat? Eggs?

Good evening.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hello? Anybody home?

Granny Mariljka!

Who's that? Oh!

Filip, my boy! Granny's sunshine!

Who gave you this terrible cut?

Actually, I'm not Filip.

You're not?

Who are you then?

I'm Vatroslav, a friend of Filip's.

Didn't Filip tell you

I'd come as his replacement?

I'm just pulling your leg!

I sure got you.

Relax now. Come here.

- Are you hungry?

- I'm good. I'd like some water though.

Why am I even asking?

You must be hungry.

- So, your name is Vatroslav.

- Yes.

You were named

after that Croatian duke?

I believe... The duke was called Vieslav.

That's a wonderful name.

A proper Croatian name.

You'll love our island, Vieslav.

I promise you.

Our folks here are honest,

hardworking, God-fearing.

Except for the demons

stealing my tomatoes.

I'm really not hungry.

Are you like my Filip?

You know...

Oh, no. No.

I don't mind that.

But he doesn't like to eat.

Maybe that's how they like to be.

Thin as a rake.

Wrap it around tighter.

Tie it to the stalk, not the sucker.

Tighten it.

You did a terrible job.

Come, follow me.

I'll show you something.

What are you waiting for? A subpoena?

I hope you're not too fond of the bottle.

If you are, your life and

your tomatoes will go to hell.

Here.

This is where your grandpa

hid from the world.

- Filip's grandpa.

- Yeah.

Vice, my husband.

God rest his soul, he'd sit here all day

and drown his sorrows in rakia.

Oh well.

He never got over

the collapse of the old system.

Our dear Lord and liver cirrhosis

took him half a year ago.

- Sorry for your loss.

- Me too.

I'll show you something.

Here, hold this.

Here.

Since my Vice left this world,

I rarely come here.

But then I said to myself...

Mariljka, you have to.

So I opened this case

of his homemade rakia

and I started pouring it out

into the garden.

And lo and behold...

Look.

f*ck me.

f*cking ants.

Get lost!

Open wide, Ante.

Open wider, I can't reach.

It's OK, Ante.

Be still, for God's sake!

How can I help you?

I'm Vatroslav.

We've met. Remember?

With your teeth, I meant.

Have a seat, I'll be done in a minute.

Keep it in for half an hour

and then you can spit it out.

Come on in.

Open wide.

I just wanted to ask you...

I'm not getting any cell reception.

Is it me, or...?

Do I look like

I'm running a call center here?

No.

I'm just f*cking with you.

Give me your phone.

Here.

How about this...

I'll put in my number

and you can call me if you want to.

All right?

And about the reception...

Just point your phone at Vis.

Like this?

No, the island of Vis

is in the other direction.

That's where the closest cell tower is.

What's your name again?

Vatroslav.

I'm Irena.

Hey, queen.

How are you?

Much better.

They're letting me out in a few days.

How are you? How's Granny?

She's fine.

We got on like a house on fire.

One thing,

don't breathe a word to her

about what happened to me.

I said I'd fallen down the stairs,

not that I was beaten up cos I'm...

a g*y bunny.

Filip...

There's something I need to tell you.

Actually, there are two things

but I'll start with one.

Wait!

Vlatko is having a crisis again!

I'll call you back! Nurse!

Nurse!

Filip, this guy who beat you up

didn't do it because you're

Come to Majorka tonight

Sounds great!

Like a fairy of the sea

she has made my dreams reality

On the burning shores

of my sleepless nights

Watch your step, ape.

I'm sorry.

One day I'll get trampled to death

because of Lukrecija.

How do you say...

That's a good one.

In Croatian we say:

f*ck the system.

Serkan, where are you?

Serkan!

sh*t.

Thanks.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Could I get a drink here?

Nope. All gone.

But I have this, if you want.

- Ten k*nas a puff.

- You're kidding?

I'm f*cking with you. It's free.

But donations are obligatory.

Ten k*nas minimum.

You're kidding?

How do you think we're funded?

Not by the government, that's for sure.

Who is we?

Our NGO, Wise Up.

You should come to our protest.

Protest?

Yeah, against the village government.

They have their own village festival,

and we'll have our activist event.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi, gorgeous.

- Pestering people again, Matko?

You'll remember my words when

the pro-lifers take over the army base.

We held some

awesome workshops up there.

But they kicked us out and rented

the place out to those satanists.

Satanists are all those people

who disagree with Matko.

No. Satanists are people telling Matko

what he should do with his body.

- My body, my temple.

- Maybe smoke less in the temple?

He has to, there's nothing to drink there.

Well said, man.

I beg to differ.

Wow.

A vintage plonk, huh?

Shall we?

Hey!

Your donation?

It's so beautiful here.

The beach, the spot, everything.

That's why they seized it.

Who did?

The army.

Back then no one was allowed

on this beach but them.

Now I get it, it's Majorka not Majorca!

- What's the story with Matko?

- He's a great guy.

For years he organized concerts

and parties up at the army base.

Sometimes just group banter.

But yesterday the mayor

changed the locks and took his key.

I know exactly how he feels.

- You're from the island?

- Yes.

I mean, no.

My mother is from here,

but I grew up in ibenik.

I did well at the university,

but I had no connections,

so I ended up working here.

It's been two years now.

And what do you do

when you're not harvesting tomatoes?

I work at a... restaurant.

And I go to university.

- What's your major?

- Hungarian.

- What year are you in?

- Third.

For the third time.

Why Hungarian?

That's how the entrance exam works.

You make your preference list,

and I didn't get into the first four.

The fifth on my list was Hungarian.

What was your first choice?

I don't remember.

sh*t sucks.

How do you say that in Hungarian?

I don't know.

I can look it up.

- What?

- That thing.

sh*t sucks in Hungarian.

"The Light of the Family.

As a Former Fetus I Oppose ab*rtion."

What's this?

It's not mine. A woman gave it to me.

Why didn't you throw it away?

I forgot to, I guess?

You know what...

I just remembered

I forgot to turn off the light

at my office.

What about the wine?

It's all yours.

We're doomed...

First right, or the second?

We're doomed...

- Ow!

- f*ck.

He's grinding his teeth like a rabid dog.

- And he won't go away.

- Yeah, I heard it.

No use. You come all the way here

but you can't escape idiots.

Close your eyes.

As good as new.

Are you a nurse?

No, sweetie. I'm just a regular preggo.

But I'm good with my hands.

You are.

I make souvenirs,

of our region of Serbia.

- Real nice.

- Yeah.

- Ever been there?

- Not really.

Why would you? It's a godforsaken hole.

The middle of nowhere.

We don't get normal tourists.

We only get gluttons.

But they don't care about souvenirs.

And Mia...

He has no intention of leaving that place.

He likes being

the reddest of the rednecks.

- He's a good guy.

- Yeah.

A horse is a good animal

but everyone rides it.

And now he's made sure

that I can't move either!

Cheers.

You'll change your mind

when you see the baby.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Don't listen to your crazy mother, son!

- I'm a terrible mother.

- No.

And I'm not even a mother yet.

- Don't say that, it's not true.

- It is, Vatroslav.

Only a terrible person can bring a child

into this terrible world.

Mia!

Look what I got you!

You k*lled the bunny.

- But I thought...

- What did you think?

That it was a werewolf?

Do you see what I have to put up with?

Son, your father is an idiot.

These are so good.

Much better than last year.

- He saw us!

- Run!

What a pair of imbeciles.

Hello, Jrgen?

Have you found the Majorca bar?

I can hear the music

but I can't locate the place.

My reception is terrible.

Hello, Jrgen?

I've been at the bar all day.

It's on a beach.

Serkan?

Where are you?

Oh, sh*t!

Filip!

It's Vatroslav, Granny.

Your name is too hard to remember

and I must call you something.

They're so good. Try some.

It's such a good year for them.

Ka-ching!

You'll make some serious dough, too.

Good boy. So Granny can marry you off.

Since I couldn't Filip.

- I'm not really the marrying kind.

- Come now. I wasn't born yesterday.

Irena is a real cutie.

The smaller the island,

the faster word gets around.

I'll go deliver those tomatoes.

OK. And get me some pasta at the store.

I'm making lunch for Jelena and Mia.

Take the tomato money,

don't spend your own.

You'll need it for your wedding.

THE LIGHT OF THE FAMILY

for a better tomorrow

Ladies and gentlemen of Mala Glava,

our dream is about to come true.

In the place of an army base,

a space of w*r,

we will create a place of love.

Children from all over Croatia

will come to do sports,

study the Bible

and improve their bodies...

And minds. That's good.

Is there anything better?

It's the cue for the applause.

On behalf of the kids,

Lukrecija uk will take

the keys to the army base.

She's a teacher

at the Baltazar Buvini Elementary.

She has contributed greatly

to physical and moral fitness of our kids.

Now you come up on the stage. The key.

Then your speech.

They say children are our future.

They say children are our future.

They say the future of our

beautiful homeland is in their hands.

But, unfortunately,

some children will never get to see

our magnificent sea, our Croatia.

Our homeland.

Those children are in our daily prayers.

Hey, laddie, what's wrong with you?

Here's the money for Granny.

And clean this mess up, d'ya hear?

Move it!

It's our honor to have with us

Light of the Family ambassadors...

The Goldfinch of Dalmatia, Joko,

and Klapa Manjinjorgo.

Three summers ago Pa breathed his last

He fell down some stairs

And went really fast

Papa...

Hey, laddie.

Do you speak any German?

I speak Hungarian.

And a little bit of English.

Get in here.

Move it!

I'm coming.

Listen!

No friend...

I see no...

You and me, no, you know?

I don't understand a word.

I brought this guy,

he speaks languages. Ask him.

Go on!

What's the problem?

Your problem, kraut!

What did he say?

His friend has been missing for 3 days.

They were supposed to be home by now.

What's his friend's name?

Serkan Baydar.

Here!

Give it here.

Some f*cking friend.

Arms around shoulders

doesn't mean they're q*eer.

What's the matter?

Are you q*eer, too?

No. Having q*eer friends

doesn't make you q*eer.

Why do you talk about q*eers then?

Excuse me...

What are they saying right now?

- Tell him to send us the pic to print out.

- Here.

Send the picture to them.

Nediljko, are you ready for the festival?

- I haven't eaten for three days.

- For real?

Once I start, there'll be no stopping me.

Sent!

- Sent.

- What did you send?

Not me. He sent the picture.

Chill out. It's printing.

It's so f*cking slow.

What are these two doing here?

Maybe they won

the Miss Universe pageant.

Or maybe they've gone missing,

just like the German guy!

Not q*eer my a*s.

- These are the tourists we get.

q*eers and Turks. - Gross.

m*therf*cking Schengen Area,

whose idea was it anyway?

People coming in as they please.

There, done.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

What? Still not happy?

Please tell me this is not

all they're gonna do!

Men and women of Croatia!

Ladies and gentlemen...

f*ck. There he goes again.

- Will you do it, or should I?

- You go, I'd bite his head off.

Men and women of Croatia!

Ladies and gentlemen...

The judgment of God is upon us!

People are disappearing before our eyes!

The Devil walks among us!

The demon comes down

from the army garrison

to snatch our folks!

Irud!

Get down, now!

Men and women of Croatia!

Rivers of blood shall flow!

We'll all be singing the song of doom.

We're doomed...

My sugar is dangerously low.

Get off it before I get you!

Watch me get it off,

men and women of Croatia!

Especially for Croatia,

the as*h*le of the world!

You wanna see badass?

I'll show you badass!

Get your a*s over here!

What are you looking at?

A bunch of d*adbeats.

People go!

Disperse!

Or I'll book you!

You two, remove this.

Vatroslav!

Vatroslav!

What's going on?

This has been going on.

For the past two hours non-stop.

I've nothing left in the tank.

If I didn't know Granny's cooking

I'd think it was her that did us in.

Tomatoes.

Granny made us her pasta

with tomato sauce, so delicious!

That's it.

No way.

Granny is a k*ller cook.

This must be a stomach bug.

Here it comes again.

Why did we come here, Mia?

Granny!

Granny!

Granny.

Wake up, please.

Something strange is happening

with your tomatoes.

Can you hear me?

- Hello?

- Hey.

How are you, Filip?

You're in a good mood.

Where's my Granny?

She's... right here.

I've been trying to reach her all day.

Is everything OK?

Sure. Everything is great.

- A-OK.

- All right.

What did you want to talk about?

- Nothing important.

- OK then.

But I have something to tell you.

I have good news and bad news.

- I'm listening.

- Boss was here yesterday.

He brought me my salary.

Can you believe it?

Great. So at least

something is going well.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

What's wrong there?

I meant, in general. In the system.

And now for the bad news.

Vlatko has died.

That's a relief!

What do you mean?

I meant he's not in pain anymore.

Are you sure everything is OK there?

Totally sure.

- OK. Tell Granny to give me a call.

- I will.

By the way, what did your Grandpa do?

- He drank at the tavern all day.

- I know that bit.

But before, when he was young?

How am I supposed to know that?

He was a geneticist

and he worked for the army.

The army?

The government,

the secret police, same sh*t.

Why don't you ask Granny?

I will ask her.

You're breaking up. Gotta go.

Bye!

For real.

"Concentrated organic multi-agent."

COMA.

What now?

Nothing. I wanted to...

talk to someone normal.

Something awfully weird is going on.

- Is this another cheesy pickup line?

- No.

It's more like a matter of life and death.

- Life and death?

- Correct.

OK, come on in.

You think that Jere and Fritters...

Got poisoned on it, and died?

I know it sounds stupid, but...

Come here for a second.

They woke me in the middle of the night,

complaining of a toothache.

I gave them some painkillers

and I took an X-ray of their jaws.

What's that?

It looks like...

Like they're growing another set of teeth.

Is that, like, normal?

With kids, new teeth may come in

before the baby teeth come out.

With adults, it makes no sense.

I thought... Well, it's Jere and Fritters.

They could just be a bit

developmentally disabled.

Wait.

This other set of teeth...

Are they, like...

Pointed?

Yeah, like vampire's.

- The rabbit.

- Which rabbit?

The rabbit had the same teeth

when he was eating tomatoes!

And then Mia k*lled him.

- When did you see them?

- It says here.

Tuesday night, at 2:15 am.

Only a few hours after.

After what?

After they stole tomatoes

at Granny's garden.

Listen to me...

If this is your plan to drag me to

the village festival, I'll strangle you.

This is an all-out tomato w*r

as never seen before!

Let's hear it for our contestants!

Munch! Munch!

Munch!

Such a big guy yet such a small capacity.

Let's see you!

Tomato!

Too bad!

The last two men standing,

Nediljko and Stipe!

I should've gone to the protest party.

- Which party?

- The protest party at Majorka.

Matko said there'd be

a mindblowing pile of weed.

What? I hope these people get poisoned

and die. They'll do us a favor.

I saw that girl at Majorka.

She looked totally normal.

You call this normal?

Irena!

Irena!

We just lost Stipe.

All right! Four, three, two, one...

We have a winner, it's Nediljko!

This year's Tomato Festival

winner is Nediljko!

Bravo!

I thought you'd gone to Majorka,

I was about to go after you!

I left, but I felt bad

about leaving you behind!

- I feel bad about not telling Filip

the truth! - That his Grandpa was a jerk?

No, the wifebeater who beat him up

thought I'd reported him

and he beat Filip up

because he thought Filip was me.

We both wore a bunny costume.

Let's revisit this conversation later.

Now we must go warn Matko!

What's up with this...

Matko?

Are you two a couple?

Not that it's any of your business,

but...

No.

We're just friends. Why?

You'd ditch your best friend

in a zombie apocalypse?

Run!

Hey, bro!

Could you play some Croatian music?

Play something by Thompson? Please?

- What?

- Anything Croatian!

Something by koro!

No way.

- They're coming!

- Guys!

They're coming!

Calm down, dude.

I heard you the first time.

- They're coming.

- Who's coming?

You won't believe us if we tell you.

But you should totally run!

Here they come!

They're from the village festival.

Looks like a carnival to me.

It's not a carnival. They're...

The living dead!

They sure dance like it.

This won't get us anywhere.

All right!

Move, man! Matko...

We need to run!

What's up? Gone fishing, huh?

How about a puff?

We need to run. No time to explain.

Guys!

Run, everyone!

Save yourselves while you still can!

Look, Lorenco's mother.

Mrs inka!

Do you believe me now?

Filip!

What's wrong with you?

Stop sh**ting at people!

I thought they were the living dead!

Folks! Do you need a ride?

Hurry up!

Hurry!

Granny!

Granny, are you OK?

COMA is not rakia!

I figured it out when we got sick.

Vice messed up big time.

- You didn't grow extra teeth?

- No.

- Whose w*r is this, Vatroslav?

- Shut up, idiot.

It's Croats vs. Croats, I guess.

It's complicated!

I'll have that g*n.

While you're chatting...

Step on it, Mia!

- Do we have a plan?

- The plan is to hide!

- Where?

- That we still don't know!

Take a right!

Or left?

Right, to the army base!

Open the gate!

Hurry up!

Hurry, Mia!

Come in!

Over here!

Break it down!

That's my man!

I can't go any faster.

Mia, pull me up! Filip, push me!

Pull me up!

Well done!

- Who is it?

- It's me!

Are you f*ck' serious?

Is this all

because of Granny's tomatoes?

Grandpa is to blame, actually.

Me too, but let's not go there.

Granny Mariljka.

What was the project Vice worked on?

He never told me anything.

It was all top secret.

I don't get it.

Some people catch it, some don't.

I drank straight from the bottle

and nothing.

You drank a nerve agent?

I thought it was rakia.

I spat it out immediately!

Since it's confession time,

I need to share something.

How did you get it?

From one of the creatures at Majorka.

- Step back! He'll turn!

- He won't if he hasn't by now!

Put the g*n down, idiot.

Some folks don't get infected.

Let's all just calm down.

What do these groups have in common?

The infected one, and us?

My theory is that

the infected folks have...

What was it called?

A low intelligence quotient!

Brilliant. If that was so,

you'd be the first to get it.

Sweetie! I can't take this any more.

I get it, you're hormonal,

but can you give me a break for once?

- I'm sorry, sweetie.

- No, I'm sorry.

- I'm crazy!

- You sure are.

911, what's your emergency?

We're on the island of Mala Glava.

And we need help. It's an emergency.

- Can you tell me what is happening?

- Sure.

It's a long story.

We were at the Tomato Festival.

Where everyone turned into zombies.

Now we're at the old army base

at the top of the island.

- And everyone turned into zombies.

- Correct.

- Every single one of them?

- Well, not everyone.

- We're trying to figure out...

- Only the fascists and morons!

While you're f*cking with me

folks might actually need help.

Hello, Miss, my apologies...

My friend studies Hungarian,

it's ruined his Croatian.

It's not the zombies attacking us,

it's our own village folks.

Basically, your locals are sick of

the gays, foreigners and liberals?

You could say that.

Can you send someone over?

Let me see...

Our officers are on their way back

from Korula now.

They'll need to grab a bite.

They can be there in the morning.

Great.

Should we throw them a welcome party?

I'm afraid it's going to be too late.

In that case, cancel it.

We shouldn't waste their time.

What's going on?

Don't worry, my love. I'll protect you.

Mia!

I will not be a single mom!

Someone has to carry me and Granny!

Look at those weaklings behind you.

Get inside!

- I know how we can save ourselves!

- How?

- Granny!

- Filip!

Granny!

Hold on, my love.

Easy, Mia!

Come on, Granny!

There are tunnels under the base

but I'm not sure where.

I know.

Vice used to work here. He showed me.

They lead to the sea. We'll need to swim.

Swim? Me? Fat chance.

- I can only float.

- Calm down, sweetie.

- I'll carry you, sweetie.

- Oh, sweetie...

You'll carry me? What about Granny?

- You should go without me.

- No way.

That's not happening.

How do I tell Filip

that I left his Granny with zombies?

You can't give up now, Granny.

We'll figure it out.

Wait...

Got it!

Hey, Gringo...

When could you be at Mala Glava?

It's kind of urgent.

You're in luck. I'm close by.

I was supposed to pick up a guy

but he's gone offline.

Good for us.

Where should I pick you up?

At the foot of the old army base.

There's a tunnel to the sea.

- Sure, I know the place.

- Awesome.

I'm OK.

I believe it's here. Yeah.

Here.

Easy, man.

- Now we just need to go down.

- Is he f*cking with me?

Yo. Big guy.

How's a 9-months pregnant woman

supposed to squeeze through that?

I didn't exactly measure its diameter!

Is that so?

Well, let me show you.

I'll show you.

- What are you doing, sweetie?

- Well, take a look.

I'm pushing out your heir, Mia!

This is crazy! Stop it!

It's not time yet, Jelena.

Come on, son of a g*n!

My auntie gave birth

a month before her due date

surely I can push you out

a week before mine!

Easy, Jelena. That's not how it goes.

- Isn't there another way out?

- Not that I know of.

There isn't.

Sweetie...

What?

What did you just say?!

- Nothing.

- You'd really do that?!

He'd leave a pregnant woman

at the mercy of the living dead.

- You f*cking...

- Drop it, Mia!

- Did you hear what he said?

- I'm giving birth here.

Pull yourself together!

What did you expect from a guy

working for the Light of the Family?

Excuse me?

Granny is full of sh*t.

Wait...

Where did you get the key to the base?

Yeah. I mean, what?

Didn't the Mayor take his key

and change the locks?

Just like my landlady said

she'd do to me!

No, just the key.

I remember you saying

she'd changed the lock.

Matko...

Matko!

- Laddie!

- OK, it's true.

They offered me the job

of the camp coordinator.

So what?

It's better that I do that job

than someone else.

We can't stop them anyway.

If you can't destroy the system

from without, try it from within.

Like ants, we keep digging.

So you became a caretaker?

More like a bootlicker.

I think that's Gringo.

What shall we do?

sh*t, here they come.

- He just bolted, Mia!

- He'll snatch our ride!

- I'll show that dickass!

- Wait!

I'll go after him.

I'll be back.

No f*cking way he's coming back.

- Shut your trap, kid. He'll be back.

- Sorry, Granny.

Matko!

Matko, wait!

Gringo!

Matko!

Come back!

Come back here, you c**t!

Taxi! I'm here!

Matko!

Matko, come back!

Turn back, I'm serious!

Turn back!

Gringo...

Give me your hand.

Come on, sweetie.

Get my Vuk out!

You can't get the kid out

only cos you decided to.

I lived through my tomato hell,

surely I can get a kid out.

True that.

Here he comes.

- You see? We did it.

- Push, honey.

Vatroslav, from Little Hell.

Mr. Irud.

I swear to f*ck,

you're the sanest person on the island.

My friend...

If you don't go crazy here,

you're not normal.

You were right about everything.

No, I was wrong.

I thought the devils were

at the army base.

But, all this time,

they've been among us.

And now we're among them.

What do we do?

We can't stay here, we can't leave.

There's nothing we can do.

We're doomed...

If they break in, throw it at them.

But mask up first.

This is you? And Granny's husband?

f*ck me.

What happened?

The middle guy is Paraga,

the island nationalist we tried to cure.

The other one is our soldier

who brought him food.

And the third guy went in to stop

Paraga from chewing his head off.

We had to fry them all

with a flame-thrower.

In layman's terms,

we achieved the opposite effect.

Instead of eradicating

the nationalist gene

for some reason, COMA amplified it.

COMA?

"Concentrated organic multi-agent."

Why didn't you test it on animals first?

We did.

But we believed they were too

sensitive to the ingredients.

After all, humans are more evolved

than the mice or guinea pigs.

Rabbits turned out be

particularly territorial.

The problem is,

we produced 1,000 liters.

And now we don't know

what to do with it.

- Why don't you dump it into the sea?

- People would swim in it.

Fish would ingest it and people

would eat the fish. It would be bad.

They're doing the same experiment

across Yugoslavia.

If they're getting the same results,

and I'm afraid they are...

Comrade President...

You're breaking up.

It's Peckerwood speaking.

What can I tell you?

Dalmatians.

It does sound serious.

In short...

What if all other teams were successful?

Mariljka will be a single mother.

Our President wants to know

how many people live on the island.

About 250.

Less than a thousand.

- They'll burn us to the ground.

- They won't.

How far is the mainland?

Maybe they will. About 50 kilometers.

But if you burn the island down

toxic gasses will stay in the air.

They say... Oh, you heard it.

All right.

Yes, I will tell them.

Thank you.

Have a good night, Comrade President.

What did he say?

It will be solved.

- When? And how?

- It will be solved.

- But, we...

- If our President said so,

it means it will be solved.

AS LONG AS WE LIVE,

SO WILL YUGOSLAVIA

All that dental work for nothing.

What a f*cked up family you have, Filip.

You're not coming near my son! Try me!

To battle, take the swords out

let them all see how the Croats die!

Hey.

You came back.

- Did you catch Matko?

- Almost.

He swam away.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Careful.

You go get the boat.

I'll go help Granny.

I'll be right back. Don't worry.

He'll be back, love.

Let's go.

Granny!

What are you doing here? Go away.

Listen, son...

I haven't left the island for years

and I'm not planning to.

Certainly not with this hip.

- But...

- There's no but.

I told you to leave.

How will you manage?

In the words of late Tito...

It will be solved.

Where's Granny?

It's a long story. Just drive.

He's so beautiful.

Huge head, he takes after you.

Your Pa can teach him judo.

To get his head in proportion to his body.

Vatroslav, you've been destined for this.

You know?

Your name means fire and glory.

- Just keep your eyes on the road.

- All right, all right.

You said you'd be back

and you came back.

I did.

Of course I did.

Gringo!

It's us, Gringo!

It's OK! We're normal!

I'm not sure about that.

Cast (in Order of Appearance):

Did any of the other teams succeed?

No.

Slovenians have already

destroyed their vaccine.

Their sample was extremely small,

unlike some people's...

In Bosnia they couldn't decide

who'd work on it.

In Montenegro they said they'd start

tomorrow at the latest

even though their lab

opened 6 months ago.

Macedonians apologize

for not having done anything.

And Serbs...

They've been trying to isolate

the pure Serbian gene, unsuccessfully.