02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

The following programme

contains strong language.

♪ RITA PAVONE: Il Geghege

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SIREN APPROACHES)

(g*nsh*t)

(g*nsh*t)

(SONG CONTINUES)

I'm feeling rather disappointed.

I'm feeling rather disappointed.

Miss Straw persuaded me,

against my better judgement,

to bring you, Mr Gardiner, and um

(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.

(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.

Back to Television Centre,

and let her into the writing room.

It has clearly proved a distraction.

This experiment has not worked.

This experiment has not worked.

We've got loads of great ideas.

Yeah.Show him the cards, Tone.

Er Alright, well

No, no, the other card. Ah.

Mm.

This little holiday is over.

You have no concept, no script,

and currently no Sophie Straw.

You have no concept, no script,

and currently no Sophie Straw.

If you do not deliver

a show ready for air by the 30th,

I will pull the entire project

from the schedule.

And where the hell is she, anyway?

And where the hell is she, anyway?

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

Kir royale?

It'd be rude not to.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up.

Pardon?

It means

well, something about

(CLEARS THROAT) ..bottoms.

But it doesn't really travel.

You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.

You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.

I hope you will remember

the making of this film

as a time of

as a time of

intellectual stimulation.

(SIGHS)

Most of the time I've just been

pouting and saying, 'Non.'

pouting and saying, 'Non.'

The way you said it - perfection.

I'm getting all hot and bothered.

I'm getting all hot and bothered.

Would you like to go outside?

You are the most beautiful woman

I have ever met.

You're well above average.

You're well above average.

Oh, you're doing

that look from scene 39.

Are you acting, or?

Are you acting, or?

(SOFTLY) Crikey.

Oh.

Your body is here

..but your heart is across

La Manche, with someone else.

Am I right

Sophie Straw?

Sophie Straw?

There is no-one at home.

I'll show you where my heart is.

These movie stars are always late,

aren't they?

Marilyn Monroe wouldn't turn up

till the end of the week,

and I read Marlon Brando does

turn up, but on a different planet.

and I read Marlon Brando does

turn up, but on a different planet.

Well, maybe Mademoiselle Straw

is never coming back.

You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!

Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'

You seen this one? 'Ooh la la!

Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'

Mine went with,

'Can-can it be love?'

sh*t, Den's coming. Hide the papers.

sh*t, Den's coming. Hide the papers.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Morning, chaps.

Morning.Good morning.

Not the bin,

that's the first place he'll look!

Den doesn't go through bins.

He's not you.What's that?

Den doesn't go through bins.

He's not you.What's that?

Verrucas.

Uh

Are they funny?

Yeah, er

For the swimming pool ep.

Yeah, er

For the swimming pool ep.

Oh.

(SINGSONGY) I'm back!

Ah.

Hey! Bonjour.

Bonjour, mes amies.

Oh.

Bonjour, mes amies.

Oh.

(BOTTLE CLINKS)

Dennis.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

So, who'd like presents, then?

Ooh!Ooh!

Presents?

For Tony and June, I got

Camembert cheese.

Ooh! Oh, God!

Camembert cheese.

Ooh! Oh, God!

And for Bill

Yes?

Oh.

Is it a sh*t in a bag?

It's snails.

Is it a sh*t in a bag?

It's snails.

They're a delicacy.

Hm.

And for Dennis

And for Dennis

..a pair of his-and-hers

cognac glasses.

Um Thank you.

Uh The boys have made progress.

Yeah, while YOU were on holiday.

I was working!

Well, you'll like this one.

I was working!

Well, you'll like this one.

Barbara fancies the lifeguard at

the local pool.But she can't swim.

So she has to take these lessons

with these snotty kids.

So she has to take these lessons

with these snotty kids.

I'm not spending the whole episode

in a swimming cossie.

We were thinking wetsuit,

snorkel and flippers.Mm.

Yeah, that's funny. But, lads

Yeah, that's funny. But, lads

I don't think they'll let us build

a swimming pool in Studio Five.

Alright, fair point, that's one of

Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.

Alright, fair point, that's one of

Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.

Well, maybe the uhnext one.

Barbs has got a crush

on a football fan.

Yeah, she really wants

to impress him with what she knows,

but she can't remember

the rules for offside.

but she can't remember

the rules for offside.

A player is offside if,

when the ball is passed,

he's closer to the opponent's

goal line than both the ball

he's closer to the opponent's

goal line than both the ball

and the second-to-last

opposing player.

Hm.

Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me

a proper Blackpool education.

Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me

a proper Blackpool education.

(GRUNTS)

(NOISY CLATTERING) (CLEARS THROAT)

Another one of Tony's.

Yeah.

Cos Bill's too busy with

his 'book'and his 'agent'

Cos Bill's too busy with

his 'book'and his 'agent'

to give us ideas.Why are

you doing inverted comma fingers?

I have got a 'book' and an 'agent.'

I am having a baby, which fills

my head up quite a lot, actually.

I am having a baby, which fills

my head up quite a lot, actually.

You know, it doesn't

stop me from bringing ideas.

Lads.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know I love your stuff.

You know I love your stuff.

I'm not saying it's not working.

It's just (EXHALES)

..it just feels like

everything Barbara's doing

is because she's chasing a fella.

is because she's chasing a fella.

It was the same with Lanagan

and Curry.Hey, no!Shut up!

No. No.

f*ck off!Lanagan and Curry?

I'm just saying that I think

we need to, you know, find some

modern, original, fresh ideas, and

it's not just about chasing trouser.

modern, original, fresh ideas, and

it's not just about chasing trouser.

♪ CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman

(Un Homme Et Une Femme)

♪ CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman

(Un Homme Et Une Femme)

(BLOWS MELODY OF 'A MAN AND A WOMAN

(UN HOMME ET UNE FEMME)' ON WHISTLE)

(VOCALS IN FRENCH)

(VOCALS IN FRENCH)

Hiya.

Hmm.

What? We're only popping downstairs

to have our tea.

Sorry. Dinner.

Sorry. Dinner.

First, a small, informal party.

Oh.

(GASPS) Ooh.

Can I chooseall of them?

Can I chooseall of them?

I think this one.

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Wow.

Who's this party for, then?

You

You

and a few of my friends.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

The cream of the movie business

is here to meet you.

Hollywood beckons, baby!

Hollywood beckons, baby!

Hey, good to see you.

Yeah, yeah. Hi.

Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,

are in the laundrette

Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith,

are in the laundrette

as they watch their washing

go round and round.

I wish we could change the channel.

I wish we could change the channel.

One good win on the horses,

and I'll buy a washing machine.

And a telly.

And you can buy

some more new white shirts.

And you can buy

some more new white shirts.

Why?

Cos you left your red undercrackers

in that wash.

(CHUCKLES) There's my line.

Feel free to blow your own trumpet.

Uh

Feel free to blow your own trumpet.

Uh

Are you having a go?

No, no, no.

It's It's not bad.

Not bad?

(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just

get on with the next scene?

(SCOFFS) Can we just Can we just

get on with the next scene?

Den, mate, come on, it'sit's

late! You know, I'm not peak energy.

It's bound to sound sh*t

when it's Tony saying it!

It's bound to sound sh*t

when it's Tony saying it!

Why are you picking on Tony now?

No, no, fair enough.

How's the book going, mate?

You know how the book's going, mate.

Bill won't be revolutionising

the literary world

any time soon, put it that way.

Oh.

any time soon, put it that way.

Oh.

One minute it's a work of dark,

blistering brilliance, and the next

it's a libel case waiting to happen.

Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too

mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?

Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too

mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?

Mucky? You can talk.

What do you mean?

I've seen you in the papers sucking

face with Jean-Paul.Look, can

we just -Look, enough! Enough!

See, comedy, it's like maths.

And one part of this equation

is completely wrong. Sophie.

And one part of this equation

is completely wrong. Sophie.

You what?

I mean, it's the character.

You what?

I mean, it's the character.

It's not quite right for you.

When Sophie is in full flow, she

has us all in the palm of her hands,

and we're just not getting that now.

and we're just not getting that now.

And it's not your fault, Sophie.

Oh, well, thanks for that, Dennis.

Yeah, obviously it's the writers'

fault.No. This is my fault.

I should never have

let it get this far.

I've been distracted.

And I apologise.

We have all the right ingredients.

But Just Barbara,

it's the wrong recipe.

But apart from the central idea

of the show being fatally flawed,

But apart from the central idea

of the show being fatally flawed,

we're golden, are we?

MARJ: See, it's only

the women who are starkers.

And I bet you any money that's

the geezer who made my granddad

go over the top at the Somme.

go over the top at the Somme.

Don't be rude about

Pandora's objets d'art.

What brings you here, then, Marj?

What brings you here, then, Marj?

So um (CLEARS THROAT)

..can you come to the demo?

It's tricky.

It's tricky.

I would, but my Agent

wants me to stay apolitical.

A political what, chicken?

Marj, can't we just have

a nice drinkie and a natter?

Marj, can't we just have

a nice drinkie and a natter?

Fair do's, yeah.

So, go on. How was your

petit French adventure?

So, go on. How was your

petit French adventure?

(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't

get to do much acting.

Mostly, I was just sat there

being primped and preened

like a prize poodle -

three people just for my hair.

like a prize poodle -

three people just for my hair.

And I had to do loads of press,

but all the papers wanted to ask me

about was Jean-Paul Solo.Oh!

God, what a drag, man!

God, what a drag, man!

And now I'm back on Just Barbara.

I mean

it's so difficult.

Oh, I know.

At least you understand, Marj.

I do.

At least you understand, Marj.

I do.

I mean, I am trying to get

the British bosses

to stop paying women poverty rates,

but you

you are the one

who's really suffering,

you are the one

who's really suffering,

what with your showbiz shindigs

and whatnot!

Well, this is a fun c*ck hour.

Bunking in a flat

that looks like the inside

of Princess Margaret's head,

Bunking in a flat

that looks like the inside

of Princess Margaret's head,

and, oh, working on a comedy show!

Oh, no, wait,

that was your dream, remember?

Oh, you should serve some fish

with them chips on your shoulder.

Oh, you should serve some fish

with them chips on your shoulder.

Coming from

the professional Northerner

with a stick of rock up her arse.

You and your placards.

'What do we want?

Marj to shut her big old gob.

Marj to shut her big old gob.

When do we want it? Now.'

Do you know what?

It's no wonder people

admire your arse so much,

seeing as you can speak out of it.

Oh, do they?

seeing as you can speak out of it.

Oh, do they?

One of my many talents.

(SINGS WITH c*ck ACCENT)

Maybe it's because you're a Londoner.

Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't do any m Oh, my God!

What is that?!Oh, it's just

Samantha. I told you about her.

Just don't be so dramatic!

Oh, sorry. No, sorry,

I didn't realise there were

two snakes living in this flat.

I didn't realise there were

two snakes living in this flat.

Oh, you don't want me on this march.

You just want a celebrity.

Argh, I'm done. I am done.Well,

I haven't finished talking to you.

Well, I've finished

listening to you!

Well, I've finished

listening to you!

Well, give me that coat back,

because it's mine!

Well, you left it there,

so I thought you didn't want it!

No, I do want it, actually,

and it's mine anyway! (SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

c*ck hell, what have you done?!

Was that expensive?Uh

Marj, this is not like your flat.

Was that expensive?Uh

Marj, this is not like your flat.

Everything in here is expensive!

Give it a

OK, well, well, where do we get

another one - outer space?

I don't know!

I don't know!

But I know someone who might.

♪ I wonder if one day that

♪ I wonder if one day that

♪ You'll say that you care

♪ If you say you love me madly

I'll gladly be there

(BELL RINGS)

DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.

(BELL RINGS)

DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.

Right, this is us.

♪ I wonder if one day that

♪ I wonder if one day that

♪ You'll say that you care

♪ If you say you love me madly

I'll gladly be there

♪ If you say you love me madly

I'll gladly be there

♪ Like a puppet on a string

We should look a bit more upmarket.

This is what we need.

♪ Like a puppet on a

♪ String ♪

(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.

I am being Well, put it down.

(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful.

I am being Well, put it down.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Yeah, I know.

JustAs if you haven't

sodding stopped crying about

You know, it was expensive, so

Yeah, I know. You have said.

You know, it was expensive, so

Yeah, I know. You have said.

(SIGHS)

There you go, my darling.

What's up with your mates, then?

They having a 'who can be most

miserable' competition or what?

Actually, they've got a condition.

They're both big babies.

The blonde one -

Oh, no, she just looks like her.

Look, ifif it was my fault

Look, ifif it was my fault

then you can tell her

that I will pay her back my share

at a shilling a week

for the rest of my life.

Diane, can you please tell

the person sitting opposite me

Diane, can you please tell

the person sitting opposite me

that I have paid for the lamp

in full, and that's that?

Even though

it cost about as much as a bungalow.

Even though

it cost about as much as a bungalow.

Oh, my God, did the movie star

have to pay for something

out of her own pocket -

didn't get it for free? Oh!

I can't do anything right.

WOMAN: Greta!

I can't do anything right.

WOMAN: Greta!

Greta! You're on.

What? No, I was on last night.

Where's the stripper?

Couldn't get a babysitter.

Couldn't get a babysitter.

(GROANS)

Oh, don't mind me.

Pearls before swine.

Yeah, too late now.

You don't deserve me.

Are you ready for this?

(COUGHS NOISILY)

Right, let's do it.

Right, let's do it.

(SINGS BADLY) You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine.

You make me happy

when skies are blue.

You make me happy

when skies are blue.

You never know, dear

(GROANING)

At least if you boo me off,

I can go for my f*g break.

At least if you boo me off,

I can go for my f*g break.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Come off it, come off it.

Listen,

I wasn't gonna say anything.

Listen,

I wasn't gonna say anything.

But I think I will. Sophie Straw

is here, ladies and gentlemen.

She's a real singer!

Let's get her up for a song.

Come on! Come on, Soph,

give us a song! Up you come.

Come on! Come on, Soph,

give us a song! Up you come.

Ah, you're alright,

I'm OK. Thank you.Oh.

Too grand.

No, I'd do it for two grand.

Too grand.

No, I'd do it for two grand.

(LAUGHTER)

There you go.Or um

Or three packets of cheese and onion.

That we can do, that we can do!

That we can do, that we can do!

Ooh!

One, two

Oh, there you go!

If you'd said four, you would've

put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)

If you'd said four, you would've

put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)

Alright, I'll do one.

Ooh, fab.(CHEERING)

You Are My Sunshine -

they love it here.I know that one.

You Are My Sunshine -

they love it here.I know that one.

BOTH: You are my

SOPHIE: (OFF-KEY) ..sunshine!

(LAUGHTER)

Cheeky sod, she's had me!

Cheeky sod, she's had me!

I thought that was the way to do it.

How dare you!

(GRUNTS) Um

Let's do it properly.

OK.

BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.

BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.

You make me happy

Ooh!

Woo!

(SINGS) When skies are grey.

Woo!

(SINGS) When skies are grey.

Jeez, it's like

being at the Palladium!

BOTH: You'll never know, dear

how much I love you.

The moves, ladies and gentlemen!

how much I love you.

The moves, ladies and gentlemen!

Please don't take my sunshine

Oh, my God, I need a priest!

BOTH: ..away.

ALL: Please don't take

ALL: Please don't take

my sunshine away.

(APPLAUSE)

Sophie blooming Straw!

(APPLAUSE)

Sophie blooming Straw!

(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God.

So, I was thinking, maybe

come up and help me.

So, I was thinking, maybe

come up and help me.

Come on.

They don't want

Come on, you two.

(EVERYONE SINGING 'JOSHUA')

Up you get.

Up you get.

I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorrier.

I didn't mean what I said. I just -

You're just sorry.

I just got to a point

ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,

ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,

Josh-u-osh-u-ah!

The show's gonna be about Barbara

and her friend, who is a woman.

So, two women?

Uh

So, two women?

Uh

A woman and another woman?

Yeah, and it's not Just Barbara.

It's Barbara Plussomeone.

And it's going to be about work,

and adventures, and friendship,

And it's going to be about work,

and adventures, and friendship,

and pants, and all of the things that

girls do when men aren't looking.

And yes, there can be dates,

and relationships,

And yes, there can be dates,

and relationships,

but it's not all about

trying to impress blokes.

So, who's the friend character?

Um

So, who's the friend character?

Um

Someone that's not

as giddy as Barbara,

a little more down to earth,

and not afraid to tell her

when she's getting too big

for her kinky boots.

But who's the straight one?Why does

there have to be a straight one?

But who's the straight one?Why does

there have to be a straight one?

Just checking, umthis means

you want us to flush weeks

of solid work down the crapper?

you want us to flush weeks

of solid work down the crapper?

Yeah, right before studio?

Chaps.

I knew he would take her side.

When he starts with 'chaps',

he's already made up his mind.

Let's try it.

(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my

Let's try it.

(SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my

You won't have to junk everything.

You'll have to junk everything.

(GRUNTS)

You'll have to junk everything.

(GRUNTS)

Weeks of my life

..gone!

How about a British sitcom

about two women?

How about a British sitcom

about two women?

I mean, we're half the population,

and who's writing that show?

Not Johnny Speight, I don't think.

Or Galton and Simpson.

Or Galton and Simpson.

We could be the first.

Well, it's a blatant appeal

to our egos.

Well, she's not stupid.

But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?

Well, she's not stupid.

But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?

Well, I do have someone in mind.

Hey!

Ah, Greta.Yes.

Greta.

Hey.

Greta.

Hey.

I'm Dennis Mahindra,

I'm the Director.

Nice.Um

I'm not familiar with your work.

Have I seen you somewhere before?

The Rose & Crown?

Have I seen you somewhere before?

The Rose & Crown?

Um Or my uncle's market stall

on a Saturday morning,

where I do a lot of my best work.

Right. Right.

Um Why don't you come on through?

We could maybe read a page or two

from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.

We could maybe read a page or two

from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.

So, can you read from there?

(CLEARS THROAT)

In your own time.

Read? Not much call for reading

in the East End.

Read? Not much call for reading

in the East End.

Um Anyway, OK.

HelloBaba

Baba

Baba

Hello, Baba

Barbara.

What a magmagni

What a magmagni

magnifi -

Magnificent.

What amagnificent dress.

What amagnificent dress.

Is it shellfishselfish

Is it from Selfridge?

Thank you, Greta. Um

Sophie, could I have a word?

Sophie, could I have a word?

We only learn to read the words

we use.

We only learn to read the words

we use.

Rickets, eels

polio!

Um She She

has some presence.

Certainly some potential there.

(LAUGHS)

I'm just not sure how this is

going to work on a technical level.

Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent

dress. Is it from Selfridges?

Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent

dress. Is it from Selfridges?

So, Barbara, you admit to taking

the dress from the lost property

at the bus station?

(LAUGHTER)

Can I read?!Oh

(LAUGHTER)

Can I read?!Oh

Well, yeah, we like this one, Den.

Yeah, can we keep her?

Please can we keep her?

GRETA: Huh?

Yes.

GRETA: Huh?

Yes.

Yes. But just not today.

I've gotta get back to the boozer.

Busy lunchtime -

the strippers are in. But yeah!

Well done, Greta!

Well done, Greta!

♪ The warmth of your love

♪ Is like the warmth of the sun

♪ And this will be our year

♪ And this will be our year

♪ Took a long time to come

♪ Don't let go of my hand

♪ Now darkness has gone

♪ Now darkness has gone

♪ This will be our year

♪ Took a long time to come

♪ And I won't forget

The way you held me up

♪ And I won't forget

The way you held me up

♪ When I was down

♪ And I won't forget the way you said

'Darling, I love you'

You gave me faith to go on

You gave me faith to go on

♪ Now we're there

And we've only just begun ♪

I like 'Luck Be Two Ladies'.

Is Luckby in London?Exactly,

that's why it's a sh*t idea.

Is Luckby in London?Exactly,

that's why it's a sh*t idea.

It's good, it should hint at where

they live.Maisonettes Of Mayhem.

Oh, my God.

(GASPS) House Of Hairspray.

Barbara's Bedsit.

No, it should um

Barbara's Bedsit.

No, it should um

It needs to include both us girls.

Yes, exactly.

Two Funny Fannys!

Ugh.Oh, sorry.

You should never

have 'funny' in the title.

You should never

have 'funny' in the title.

It's just asking for a kicking.

Mm.

Right, come on, we've got

They're girls. They're women.

They're girls. They're women.

They're birds.

(GASPS) Dolly Birds.

Oh, Bird Bath.

Tony!

Oh, Bird Bath.

Tony!

What kind of show is that?

Come on, they live in a flat.

It's called Flat Birds!

Flat Birds.

(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.

(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.

That's really good.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

I love it.

Oh, my hat.

So, whatOh.

Er (CLEARS THROAT)

Come on, Bill. We're this way.

What?

Night-night.

See you tomorrow. Lots to do.

See you tomorrow. Lots to do.

Yeah, cheers for that, Flat Bird.

(LAUGHS)

Edith'll be wondering where you are.

It's fine, Dennis, I know.

I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.

I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.

See you tomorrow.

Good day's work.

Good day's work.

Bye.

DRIVER: Evening.(TAXI DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TAXI DEPARTS)

(TAXI DEPARTS)

(FAINT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

Can I help? (LAUGHS)

No, no, no.

I'm cooking tonight,

before my late shift.Ooh.

And I thoughtlet's have Italian.

And I thoughtlet's have Italian.

(CHUCKLES) Ah, lovely.

I know all about pasta.

Oh, yeah?

I've had it twice.Oh, yeah!

Didn't normally

look like that, though.

Didn't normally

look like that, though.

Where'd you get this?

I picked it up in Soho.

Blimey.

What were you doing down there?

Oh, the boss sent me -

on an errand, you know?

Oh, the boss sent me -

on an errand, you know?

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

Do you normally go to this

much trouble for your um

you know.

My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)

you know.

My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)

No. Then again,

I've never met a Marj before.

Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?

I dunno.

Oh, right. So, what's a Marj?

I dunno.

About 5'2", lovely.

I am 5'4"!

(CHUCKLES)

Do you mind? What you doing?

Just checking you're real.

Hang on, wait.

Let me see ifthis works.

What are you?

Let me see ifthis works.

What are you?

No, no, no, I just wanna

see if it works. Trust me.

I (CHUCKLES)

It's what we call in the trade

a kissing step.

It's what we call in the trade

a kissing step.

Oh, OK, a kissing step. Yeah, oh.

Mm.

Yeah, works.It works? Oh!

Yeah, good job. Brilliant.

That's good to know.

(CHUCKLES)

That's good to know.

(CHUCKLES)

Fancy a nightcap at mine?

We could have

some late-night ideas for the show.

I'm out of whisky, but June has got

some pear liqueur from Christmas

I'm out of whisky, but June has got

some pear liqueur from Christmas

Hmm.

Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,

but I'm cream crackered.

Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone,

but I'm cream crackered.

I need my beauty sleep.

Oh.

See you, then.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Dennis!

Helloagain.

Helloagain.

Um Sorry, I know it's late.

But umI just

But umI just

..wanted to let you know that

..I'm not with Edith.

And II never will be.

And I know that things are

And I know that things are

..different between us.

And

And

I should probably move on too.

But I just wanted to say

But I just wanted to say

..good night.

Dennis.

I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.

I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.

I couldn't.

Because I still had

a headful of someone else.

('I WILL WAIT' BY THE FOUR BUDDIES

PLAYS FAINTLY)

♪ CREAM: Sunshine Of Your Love

♪ It's getting near dawn

♪ It's getting near dawn

♪ When lights close their tired eyes

♪ I'll soon be with you, my love

♪ Give you my dawn surprise

♪ Give you my dawn surprise

I'll be with you, darling, soon

♪ I'll be with you

When the stars start falling

♪ I'll be with you

When the stars start falling

Evening.

Evening.

Nice night for it.

Isn't it?

♪ To be where I'm going

♪ To be where I'm going

♪ In the sunshine of your love

Got one! Dirty pervert.

Got one! Dirty pervert.

f*cking Christ!

b*stard pigs!

You're under arrest.

You're under arrest.

You're not obliged to say anything,

but anything you do say

will be taken down and may be given

in evidence.Your trousers?

(GRUNTS)

♪ I've been waiting so long

♪ To be where I'm going

♪ To be where I'm going

♪ In the sunshine of your love ♪

♪ In the sunshine of your love ♪

(BIRDSONG)

(WHISPERS) You alright?

(WHISPERS) You alright?

(WHISPERS) Yes.

Are you?

Mm.

(SOFTLY) I thought

that if we did this,

it might go away.

(WHISPERS) Well

it hasn't.

Do we have to still wait three years?

What happens now?

(WHISPERS) I'll see you

in the rehearsal room.

Just for inspiration.

Morning.

Just for inspiration.

Morning.

Apparently, fondue sets

are last year's groove.

Oh, no. Just when

I bought 'em for all my friends.

Oh, no. Just when

I bought 'em for all my friends.

Youare wearing yesterday's shirt.

Where's Bill?He's always late

on days that have a Y in it.

Where's Bill?He's always late

on days that have a Y in it.

Morning.

And here she is arriving at

a slightly different time to Dennis.

And here she is arriving at

a slightly different time to Dennis.

Dennis.

Morning.

Where's Bill?

Oh, the telekinetic link between us

must be playing up.

Oh, the telekinetic link between us

must be playing up.

I haven't the foggiest.

Morning, everyone.

Morning.

Where's your mate?

Where's your mate?

Oh, I give up.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, that'll be Ted wanting

to know how we're getting on.Oh.

Oh, that'll be Ted wanting

to know how we're getting on.Oh.

Sensationally. Great concept.

Amazing actresses,

incredible writers.Oh!Hello? Yeah.

Ooh, what time do they get here?

(LAUGHTER)Easy.

Ooh, what time do they get here?

(LAUGHTER)Easy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Feel free to tell us

what happened with you two

last night, if you like.

Or not.

Oh, righty h*.

Oh, righty h*.

What did he say?

Uh, that wasn't Ted.

It was Bill.

It was Bill.

Oh, what, has he fallen asleep

on a bus again, has he?

Wh-Where is he, Den?

Wh-Where is he, Den?

Vine Street Police Station.

f*cking hell!

(GASPS)

I have told him again and again!

I know, Tony.

f*ck! Sorry.

I know, Tony.

f*ck! Sorry.

It's OK. Heard worse at Holy

Communion. So, what's happened?

Look, he needs a lawyer.

I don't suppose he has one?

Look, he needs a lawyer.

I don't suppose he has one?

Bill? A lawyer?

Of course he doesn't have a lawyer.

He doesn't even have curtains.

I need to make a call.

He doesn't even have curtains.

I need to make a call.

'Stop taking risks,' I said!

'It's Russian roulette.'

He's not just shot himself

in the knackers,

He's not just shot himself

in the knackers,

he's shot me in the knackers

as well! It is over!

It's not over.

It is!

(DIALS PHONE)

His career and mine.

(DIALS PHONE)

His career and mine.

f*cking hell.

Hi, it's Sophie.

I need to ask a favour.

I need to ask a favour.

Bill.

Bill.

I'm your lawyer, Pandora.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sophie's mate?

Yeah, Soph called,

so I whizzed back from Scotland.

Yeah, Soph called,

so I whizzed back from Scotland.

Oh, so I've spoilt your holiday

on top of everything else.

Oh, God, no, no. I've already shot

three grouse, filleted a fisherman,

drove the bloody Land Rover

into a loch, so (LAUGHS)

drove the bloody Land Rover

into a loch, so (LAUGHS)

..I've pretty much done

the Highlands for this season.

I see you've had a bit of a run-in.

(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape

arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.

(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape

arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.

That's what they'll say, isn't it?

Doubtless, slippy b*stards.

Look, I'm not saying it isn't

a cushy gaff I've got here,

Look, I'm not saying it isn't

a cushy gaff I've got here,

but if you could get me out,

that would be even better.

Yes, they don't want

to give you bail.

They think

you're going to do a runner.

What, in these trousers?

What, in these trousers?

So, we're trying to get you in front

of a judge as soon as possible.

Now, is there anyone else you'd like

me to contact? Your family, or?

Now, is there anyone else you'd like

me to contact? Your family, or?

Oh, your parents

don't know you're?Alive?

No.

I'm going to do my damnedest

to get your case heard quickly.Hm.

Smashing. I'll get

to prison much faster, then.

Smashing. I'll get

to prison much faster, then.

Yeah. I'm going to pull

every string I've got.

(WHISPERS) And that's

quite a lot of strings.

Pandora?

Pandora?

There is something else.

MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks

and your stupid pasta!

MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks

and your stupid pasta!

Wait, please!

Oh, and here's your step, which

it's a rubbish step,

anyway, actually.

No real carpenter would get away

with that kind of shoddy work.

No real carpenter would get away

with that kind of shoddy work.

Actually, can you just clear off

before I call the police?

(LAUGHS) Oh, no, wait, sorry.

Sorry, you are the police.

I'm so sorry, Marj.

I thought you'd stop seeing me

if you knew I was a cop!

I'm so sorry, Marj.

I thought you'd stop seeing me

if you knew I was a cop!

They beat him up -

badly - and you didn't step in.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

Look, you're right.

I should've helped.

I should've stepped in.

I should've helped.

I should've stepped in.

But I wasn't brave enough.

Look, the first time

I came home in blue, my mum cried.

Look, the first time

I came home in blue, my mum cried.

She was so proud.

And I thought by joining that

maybe I could

make a difference or something.

maybe I could

make a difference or something.

Yeah, well, it's a goodgood job

I didn't see you in that uniform,

cos I bet you looked

a right tit in that helmet.

If you'd have

just told me the truth, then

I'm keeping this

stupid step, anyway,

just for high shelves and that.

(WHIMPERS)

(ORCHESTRAL VERSION

OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)

(ORCHESTRAL VERSION

OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)

You not dancing?

Oh, no, I'm not dancing -

two left feet, me.

Oh, no, I'm not dancing -

two left feet, me.

I'm just gasping for a cuppa.

Oh, I think we can squeeze

one more out of this.Thanks.

Milk?

Yes, please.

Milk?

Yes, please.

Have you come far?

You're not from around here.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I'm just looking for family.

Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?

Oh, no.

Oh, you've got family in Morecambe?

Oh, no.

Not me. Sophie's. Sophie Straw?

I'm a friend of hers,

and I heard her mum works here,

so I thought I'd pop in

and say hello.

so I thought I'd pop in

and say hello.

Wait, you're not Gloria, are you?

Oh, yes, I can see the likeness.

You must get that a lot.

You must get that a lot.

I don't broadcast it.

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.Oh.

I'm Lynda. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

It is very complicated, isn't it?

Family.

Especially yours.

Must've been so difficult keeping

a secret like that for so long.

Who are you? What do you want?

I'm a friend of Sophie's.

Who are you? What do you want?

I'm a friend of Sophie's.

Well, if you're from the press,

I've got nothing to say.

And there are tables need clearing.

You can ring me

if you change your mind.

You can ring me

if you change your mind.

Might be a relief - to get it off

your chest after all these years.

We will be running the story

about your famous daughter,

We will be running the story

about your famous daughter,

with or without your help.

Not that we want

to put you under any pressure

..but we need to finish the script.

He's in good hands.

He's in good hands.

So what?

He's still gonna go to jail.

No.

I can't be funny, not now.

And don't say I wasn't funny anyway.

Really? It was an open goal.

Really? It was an open goal.

I can hardly breathe,

let alone put words down.

(DOOR OPENS)

We need some f*cking ideas.

We need some f*cking ideas.

Ray and Alan would've

spunked out an episode by lunchtime.

Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis

Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis

..fetch me a fish paste sarnie.

These two birds, then.

These two birds, then.

What they gonna do today?

Put on makeup?

Make a tea?

Oh, that's exciting.

Cheers, Bill.

Cheers, Bill.

OK.

What if it's funny foods?

Um Saveloys.

Um Saveloys.

Pancakes!

It's Pancake Day.

And the girls have

a right old ding-dong

And the girls have

a right old ding-dong

about the right way to cook 'em.

Well, we put 'em together.

So, one of 'em wants

to get dolled up and go out,

and the other one

wants to make pancakes.Yeah.

and the other one

wants to make pancakes.Yeah.

So they have to get dolled up

AND make pancakes at the same time.

Yeah.

This is good.And th

BOTH: Shh! We're working.

BOTH: Shh! We're working.

Yeah.

Alright.

Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -

get out of your horse-hair wig.

Now you're back, I'll pack my bags -

get out of your horse-hair wig.

No, no, no.

Stay as long as you like.

Never seen the place

looking so tidy.

Didn't you have a single orgy?

(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!

Didn't you have a single orgy?

(RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!

No, goodness, no. Um

No, I best get back to Marj's.

The more shoulders she has to cry on,

the better.

The more shoulders she has to cry on,

the better.

Poor thing.

That's odd.

This looks like an original.

I swear the one I bought was some

old cheap toss from Portobello.

I swear the one I bought was some

old cheap toss from Portobello.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

So, what happens with Bill now?

So, what happens with Bill now?

Well, I've managed

to get the trial set for Monday.

And what are his chances?

Not remotely tremendous.

Not remotely tremendous.

There's talk of the law changing,

but we're not there yet.

Best hope is for a lenient judge.

There's not many of those

to the pound.I feel so powerless.

Yes, that's because all the power in

Britain is with a bunch of posh boys

Yes, that's because all the power in

Britain is with a bunch of posh boys

who went to school in top hats

and dry-humped themselves to sleep.

Yes, I'm rather running out

of strings to pull,

Yes, I'm rather running out

of strings to pull,

so if you do have

any chums in high places,

now would be the time to call.

TED: Absolutely not!

(SOPHIE SIGHS)

Miss Straw (EXHALES)

..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner

are of no personal interest to me.

..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner

are of no personal interest to me.

But he is charged with a crime,

and I cannot, and I will not,

have this corporation,

or any of its most prominent talent,

anywhere near it.

or any of its most prominent talent,

anywhere near it.

(INHALES) You are to stay

as far away from this as you can.

Now, that is not advice.

That is an instruction.

I see.

Sophie, I am trying to protect you.

The question is

will you listen to me?

Don't I always?

Oh, by the way, the show has changed.

Oh, by the way, the show has changed.

It's about two women,

and it's called Flat Birds.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)Oh, it's

those blooming newspapers again.

Oh, don't go giving them

your opinion, Marie.

Oh, don't go giving them

your opinion, Marie.

It only encourages them.

How many times do I have to

How many times do I have to

Oh.

Well

Well, you've got some nerve.

What do you want?

Marie, can I come in?Anything you've

got to say, you can say out here.

Really, I can't.

PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?

No, it's a media circus, all for

PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus?

No, it's a media circus, all for

Oh, here she is - Sophie Straw

arriving to take the stand

in the trial of Writer Bill Gardiner.

BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.

BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.

Therefore a significant

custodial sentence must be imposed.

We have to consider

the safety of innocent citizens.

We have to consider

the safety of innocent citizens.

Miss Erskine-Aubigny,

do you want to reply?

Miss Erskine-Aubigny,

do you want to reply?

Your Honour, we do not agree

that a custodial sentence

is appropriate in this case.

My client has

professional obligations

My client has

professional obligations

of an extremely pressing nature.

(SCOFFS)To explain more,

I call Barbara Parker

(SCOFFS)To explain more,

I call Barbara Parker

more widely known as Sophie Straw.

(MUTTERING)

Don't play the room, Sophie.

No, don't, I mean it.

Don't play the room, Sophie.

No, don't, I mean it.

The Judge won't take kindly

if we push him.

YourWorship.

YourWorship.

Honour.

Honour.

Your Honour.

I have known Mr Gardiner

for quite some time,

and I consider him

a very close personal friend.

and I consider him

a very close personal friend.

I can say that he is very sorry,

and he will not reoffend.

and he will not reoffend.

I can say that,

and you might let him off.

I can say that,

and you might let him off.

But in saying that

I'd be leaving out who, and what,

Bill Gardiner truly is.

Bill Gardiner truly is.

Your Honour -Sophie, no.

And what Bill is

That's enoughis the funny,

talented person who co-wrote

the exploding bathroom scene

in Jim And Barbara.

the exploding bathroom scene

in Jim And Barbara.

He's brave, passionate, clever,

scratchy, downright stubborn,

scratchy, downright stubborn,

and his favourite food

is crisp sarnie and saveloy.

Your Honour.

Keep to the point, please,

Miss Straw!But right now, though

Keep to the point, please,

Miss Straw!But right now, though

you're all here

to pass judgement on this man

because of who he likes to cuddle.

Which is, quite honestly,

nobody's business.

Which is, quite honestly,

nobody's business.

The court has now

heard the arguments.

I mean, I'm sure none of you lot

would like people poking about

in your bedrooms, rifling through

your knicker drawer.Your Honour!

in your bedrooms, rifling through

your knicker drawer.Your Honour!

Miss Straw makes a valid point about

personal freedom and hypocrisy

Your Honour.Now, the law is going

to change soon, and we all know that.

Your Honour.Now, the law is going

to change soon, and we all know that.

And all I'm saying

is I reckon you lot,

if you don't get a grip sharpish,

you're going to end up on the wrong

side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!

you're going to end up on the wrong

side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!

(GASPS)

This is a court, Miss Straw,

not Speakers' Corner.

In conclusion

In conclusion

..I beg you to please

look up at this man and

and really see him.

and really see him.

He might act like

he doesn't give a tuppenny bit,

but he is loving, he is loyal,

but he is loving, he is loyal,

and he is beautiful.

Bill hasn't hurt anyone,

but he is the one

who is being broken.

but he is the one

who is being broken.

Sophie. Sophie.

Yeah.

And-And that's all I have to say.

And-And that's all I have to say.

Beg your pardon, Your Wigship.

(MURMURING)

(MURMURING)

No jail time!

Wahey!Yes!

Just a £50 fine.What an insult.

I'm worth so much more.

Just a £50 fine.What an insult.

I'm worth so much more.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, here she is. To Pandora.

To Sophie!

To Bill!To everyone.Well done.

At least now I know how my book's

gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!

At least now I know how my book's

gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!

Let's get the hell out of here

before the Judge comes back and

arrests us all for loitering.Yeah!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.

(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?

(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?

We need to have a chat, love.

The three of us.

We need to have a chat, love.

The three of us.

♪ DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Won't Be Long

♪ Baby, here I am

♪ A-by the railroad track

♪ Oh, waitin' for my baby

♪ He's a-comin' back

♪ A-comin' back to me

♪ On 5:03, yeah

♪ And it won't be long

♪ No, no, it won't a-be long

♪ No, no, it won't a-be long

♪ I get so lonesome

Since he's been gone

♪ There ain't a thing

Worth mentioning

♪ There ain't a thing

Worth mentioning

♪ No, a-been goin' on

♪ And that's a-why I know ♪