01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Sluts on stage for
the opening number!

Get your lazy arses
up those stairs!

On stage, come on!
- All right, coming! - Get moving!

Sluts on stage. Come on!

Look at her.

I can't believe it! You were
cracking me up out there.

How does a nice girl like
you end up in a dump like this?

Oh, this is just a
stop-gap. How about you?

Ah, no stop-gaps for a
sinner. I got up the spout.

That's not a sin. It
is when you're a nun.

You can hide a lot under
a habit, but not twins.

Oh, they're gorgeous!

Here, you couldn't babysit, - could you?
- What, now?

Yeah. I just live down the
street. There's a bald fella out front

I think will part with a few
bob for a quick hand shandy.

Darling...

we've hit the jackpot.

Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical
impresario, wants to meet you!

Really? Me?

What did he say?

That you've got a great rack
and he wants a threesome.

He'll pay double figures.
All we have to do is...

Well, I'm not doing that, no
matter how much he pays!

Leave her alone,
Ivy, you big doper.

She's not putting out just
so you can get your next fix.

Anyway, she's babysitting
for me. Don't do it, darling.

Those f*cking twins
are worse than the Krays.

How dare you, you posh cl*t!

People! Stop it!

Oi, oi, oi!

Oooh!

Sorry.

You.

You're nothing
but bloody trouble!

People come in here for an
evening of high-class entertainment,

not to watch you
f*cking around with a fan!

- High-class?
- Yes!

Ha! Glorified knocking
shop, more like.

If you paid your girls properly,

they wouldn't have
to... What? What?

...to bash impresarios on the
bumhole with a meat mallet!

You little b*tch!

I'm gonna have you!

Aghhh!

Get the f*ck out

and don't come back!

♪ It's a sign of the times

♪ That your love for me
is getting so much stronger

♪ It's a sign of the times

♪ And I know that I won't
have to wait much longer

♪ You've changed a lot somehow

♪ From the one I used to know

♪ But when you hold me now

♪ You feel like you
never wanna let me go ♪

Ohh, I despair.

That is another
missed opportunity.

Sir Bernard Beaumont is one
of the top producers around.

Top pervert around.
I'm not going back.

Brian, help me.

Brian. I need another job.

Are you still here?

I thought I heard an
annoying buzzing sound.

Beryl Charlton called...
That's enough, Patsy.

Thank you very
much. I'll handle this.

Well, young lady, despite
the fact that you stole a script,

fabricated a pack of lies,

humiliated and intimidated a
top light-entertainment producer...

...they seem to want
to hear you ready.

Patsy, the script.
For the part of Cicely?

Actually, I went out on a limb and
suggested you for the part of Jim.

Of course Cicely, -
you stupid little idiot.

- But...

Beryl Charlton said they'd
never cast anyone like me.

And if Beryl has anything
to do with it, they won't.

However, this Mahindra
chap, the producer,

he thought you had something.

Apart from bare-faced cheek.
- Ohh! - Pull yourself together.

The audition's at two o'clock.
- Don't be late. - Two o'clock.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brian! Thank you.

All right. Knock
'em dead, darling.

Oh, can I borrow a
shilling for my bus fare?

♪ Don't doubt yourself, babe

♪ Let your feet stand
up for your beliefs, babe

♪ I know what's
running through your mind

♪ You think you
ought to capture time

♪ Make love, walk
the straight and narrow

♪ Ahh, ahh

♪ Don't doubt yourself, gal

♪ Let what's
inside be your guide

♪ You know darn well

♪ For all the wrong
that's been done to you

♪ Is making you
prettier, so don't be blue

♪ The life you've lived and
what you've been through

♪ You're lucky

♪ Ahh, ahh

♪ Don't doubt yourself ♪

sh*t.

Hiya!

Traffic was so bad, I
thought it was quicker to swim.

Erm, I owe you all an apology.

Especially you, Mr Mahindra.

What I did was
wrong. I'm truly sorry.

Erm, well, erm...
apology, erm, accepted.

Erm, we'd like you to
read - some of the script.

- No problem.

Erm... yes. Thank you.

Out loud. Oh!

Sorry. In fact, erm,

we'd like you, er,
to read it with Clive.

Yes, you see, erm...

...this is what we
call a chemistry read.

And before Tony and Bill make some
asinine jokes about Bunsen burners,

a chemistry read is where we
see how we can work together.

Yes. So it's comic
chemistry we're looking at.

And also sexual
chemistry. Crikey.

That's a lot to cram
into one test tube.

So why don't we start with
the scene where the characters

of Cicely and Jim are planning
the dinner party at home?

Should I read it in my
voice or Cicely's voice or...

You know, I would love to
hear her read it in Cicely's voice.

If you can do RP.

Oh, silly... That stands
for, er, really posh, Sophie.

Er, so, erm, interior
flat. Open on Jim.

His fiancee Cicely enters
looking for something.

Hello, darling. Can I help you?

I think I left my
"hombug hair. "

Er... No, er,

"I think I left my
handbag here. "

Did you, Clive? I'm not one to
judge. I'll help you look for it later.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, Clive. Sorry.
Can I have another crack at it?

What about scene ten
when Cicely tells Jim off

for forgetting to defrost
the rack of lamb?

Why don't we pretend
this ball is the meat?

So you're both panicking
because you're trying to defrost it

in time for the boss.

Water bottle and a
hairdryer works every time.

Not with chicken, though.
Makes - the giblets smell like shite.

- Oh.

Sorry, that's not
very Cicely, is it?

Anyway, so... Right.

They're here! I can hear
them! Quick, hide the meat!

Ooh! Jim! This is no
time for hanky-panky!

What? No, that's not the
line. Sorry, I did it again.

I did it again.

Look, pass it back.
Very good. Sorry.

They're coming! I can
hear them! Hide the meat!

Whoops! What's going on?

Aghhhh!

Not the face! Not
the face! Not the face.

OK. Er, one more.
Very good, very good.

They're coming! I can hear
them! Quick, hide the meat!

This was supposed to be
my... I'm not a performing seal!

Hide the meat! Why?
Are they vegetarian?

You're sort of playing my part.

Whoo! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God.

What am I doing here?
- I keep playing the dame. - The dame?

In what, panto? I can hear them.

Hide the meat.

Ooh!

Ohhhh.

Oh. Congratulations, Jim.

Thank you so much, Sophie.

Could you please give
us a moment to chat?

Would the audience really
buy into this relationship?

I mean, me and her?

Good point. They might wonder
why she's with such an arsehole.

She just needs to feed the
lines and-and-and look pretty.

Is that the sound of Emmeline
Pankhurst turning in her grave?

Sophie, can I have a word?

Regrettably...
It's fine, forget it.

Erm... I should've
listened to my Aunty Marie.

"Don't get big
ideas, young lady.

Stick to being Miss Blackpool
Belle. Running off to London like... "

Blackpool Belle? So
you're a beauty queen?

On balance, I decided
to leave by the door

instead of the broom cupboard.

Erm, Sophie, erm, what
I was, er, going to say,

erm, is that, regretfully,

we don't get to make
the final decision, but...

...as far as we're
concerned, you're in the show.

Oh, God.

No.

No, please. Erm...

'Hang onto your hat,
Dad. Breaking news.

Who did I spy today? Only
the actual Captain Smyde

from The Awkward
Squad! And guess what.

He's much taller than
he sounds on the radio. '

Clive Richardson! Yeah.

Well, she only glimpsed
him, apparently, in the corridor.

She's been to see where
they do all the comedy shows.

Like a guided tour?

Er... Oh, she didn't say.

The doctor says he's got to
take better care of himself.

But does he listen? Does
he heck! How's that, Marie?

Ooh, that's lovely,
Aiden. Thank you.

And he says he cooks for
himself, but the other day,

I found him eating powdered
soup straight from the packet!

Ooh, you never did!
- I did! - Ohh!

No! - There you go.
- Thank you.

Ta-ra, love. Oh, ta-ra, Betty.

How are you? Oh, you
know, keeping busy.

Stepping out with anyone?
Why, are you asking?

I don't know what came over
her. I've half a mind to go to London

and bring her back myself.

Ta-ra, Aiden. See you later.

I'm going to the
Television Centre.

I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the
head - of light entertainment.

- Oooh!

Light entertainment. Five minutes
ago, you were prancing around

with tassels on your t*ts.
Oh, God, don't remind me.

Dennis, the producer,
is a real gentleman.

He says if this meeting
goes well, I've got the job!

That's great! I'll
finally get some rent!

Oh, God!

Oh, I'm so c*ck
nervous! You? Nervous?

Don't be daft. Although,
I'd mind your language.

My future lies in
one man's hands.

OK, then. In that case...

...here's a technique
I always find helpful.

When you get into this
meeting, you sit down,

you look this Ted Sargent
fella dead in the eye

and you imagine him
taking a great big sh*t.

- Morning, Sophie.
- Morning, Dennis. Welcome.

Wow. It's this way.

Should I be
serious? A bit flirty?

What, now?

With Ted Sargent. Oh!

Oh. Oh, gosh, no. No, no.

You won't, erm, try
one of your antics?

Antics?

You know, pretending you've
met someone you haven't or...

No, Dennis, I promise,
I'll keep my trap shut

and agree with
everything he says.

Well, actually, er,
he's rather suspicious

of people who he thinks are just
telling him what he wants to hear.

So no toadying.
- No toadying. - Yeah.

- No flirting. - No.
- - No antics. - Yes. - Got it.

Oh, God. I hope he says yes.

It's a good thing the writers
are awfully keen on you.

He surely won't want to lose
any more talent to the other side.

He hasn't quite got
over losing Hancock.

Is he the one who
lost Tony Hancock?

Yes, he was.

Although we don't want to
mention - any of that to Ted.

- No, no.

After you.

Good morning.
- Morning. - Morning.

So, Dennis, I gather the
boys have got it into their heads

to rejig the script - to
accommodate Miss Straw.

- Yes.

They'd like to make
Cicely hail from - Blackpool.

- That's where I come from.

Ah.

Yes. And we all rather like
the way that Sophie sounds.

We feel it brings something.

Sadly, not an audience.

Our esteemed casting
director, Beryl Charlton,

felt that Marcia Bell did a charming
audition and she has a profile.

So perhaps we can find a
role for Miss Straw another time.

Well, Marcia Bell is certainly
one - way we could go.

- The not funny way.

In my vast experience,

good looks and comic
ability rarely go hand-in-hand.

The girl is in a show to
be the voice of reason,

not to play the fool.

It's fine. I get it.

I'm a risk. And you don't want
another flop on your hands,

like that Foreign Matters.

I mean, I enjoyed it, but...

Unfortunately, that show
never quite - found its audience.

- Oh, dear.

Were they hiding?

Dennis, I'm curious.

What makes you think I would
allow the reputation of the network

to rest on the
inexperienced shoulders

of a nobody from Liverpool?
- Nobody from Blackpool. - Well, erm...

...Sophie's different.

And maybe people from Blackpool

would like to see themselves
represented on television.

Thanks, Dennis, but
Ted Sargent's right.

Just because ordinary working people
from the north might find it funny,

doesn't mean that he
should put me in the show.

And Bill, Tony and
Clive strike me as loyal.

They're hardly going to rush over
and do the show on the other side

like Tony Hancock did.

This weekend, I shall fly
to the Montreux Festival

with the Black And White Minstrels.
Oh, you sing and dance, as well!

Dennis... Yes, sir? ...
I will give you 24 hours

to prepare a new
script with Miss Straw

before I depart to the airport.

I shall attend a read-through
tomorrow morning at 10am.

Yes. Very good, sir. Thank you.

24 hours.

So, we keep Jim as
the posh boy - politico.

- Uh-huh.

Went to public school, still votes
Labour, works at the Foreign Office.

Do we keep the boss
coming for dinner thing?

Can we change that?
It's so f*cking trad.

It's a Trojan horse, you
know that. Tradition set-up,

we get to smuggle
things into the script.

So how does he meet Cicely,
the working-class northerner?

Slumming it down the pub?
Maybe he knocks her up.

Knocks her up? I think
you'll find he didn't.

My dad would burst a blood vessel.
Sophie, you're playing a character.

It's called acting. You
should try it some time, Clive.

You should try
writing some time, Bill.

What are you, Tony,
his little - script monkey?

- f*ck off.

Couldn't I, my character,
work at Whitehall, too?

What, a... a cleaner?

Actually, what if
she's Jim's cleaner?

Good. That's good, right, Tone?

And what if Jim has to pretend
that his cleaner is his fiancee?

Margaret. We'll call her
Maggie. No, I can't quite see that.

And she has to act all posh
and prepare a fancy meal.

Foie gras, tartare,
all that bollocks.

I'm crap in the kitchen. I
once managed to burn water.

We're having that
line, thank you.

I like it, I like it. It's a good,
erm... odd couple scenario.

Odd? Thanks, Dennis.
Dennis thinks anyone's odd

who hasn't been to
Cambridge. Yes, actually, I do.

Come on, we need a name.

Now, Sophie...
what comes to mind

when you think of Blackpool?

Dirt and ferrets.

Working down the pit? Dysentery.

Clogs!

We're writing a sitcom,
not a Ken Loach drama.

What does go with a regular
woman from Blackpool?

A stick of rock and a sense
of bitter disappointment?

What about Doris?

What is she, 90?

So, call time for the reading with
Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45am.

Now, it is essential that
everyone gets an early night, Bill.

Sophie's character
still hasn't got - a name.

- Just keep thinking.

You'll come up with
something good.

Erm, so, any last-minute changes
we'll do by hand in the morning.

- All right?
- Does it even matter what she's called?

What is wrong with Doris?

I'm sorry to be an
arse, but I do feel that...

Actually, can we change
Clive's character's name from Jim

to Hugh Jarse? Or shall we
do it by hand in the morning?

Look, I am basically
doing everyone a favour

turning up to this
read-through tomorrow,

so a little bit of respect
would be quite nice.

Bill, has anyone ever refused
to read for Ted Sargent?

Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake.

He didn't turn up to a Ted
Sargent - read-through.

- Who's Reggie Lake?

Exactly. Oh. Right.

Barbara. What?

It's got a good rhythm to it.

Barbara from Blackpool.

All right, we've got the name.
Can we please change the title?

Dining In? Let's call
it Barbara And Jim.

Yeah. No, I like it.

Jim And Barbara.

Night, Soph. Very
good, Tony. Very good.

Hi. Evening.

Aiden!

What are you doing here?

I'm making a romantic gesture.

Well, you better come up.

I've missed you so much!

Shh! Keep it down!
You'll wake my flatmate.

Aiden!

Have you been drinking?

Well, I needed
some Dutch courage.

It gave me the shock
of my life, you leaving.

I just assumed it'd
be you and me forever.

Maybe you should've
asked me what - I wanted.

- I've had time to think.

I'm willing to give
you another chance.

Come back with me, Barbara.
I can offer you more than this.

I inherited the business. I can
put down a deposit on a bungalow.

I don't want a bungalow. I've
got the chance to do something

that I've always wanted to do.

Be on the telly in
a comedy show.

Love, you're living
in a fantasy land.

You're a pretty lass an' that,
but people like us don't get on TV.

It could all change tomorrow.
How long you gonna go on... Shh!

No, I mean it really
could all change tomorrow.

I know I did this once before,
but I'm gonna do it again.

Better.

I love you, Barbara.

I wanna grow old with you.

Will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?

Easy, love, easy, easy.

I've just had a pickled onion.

Shh.

Oh! Oh!

Shh!

Morning, love. I
made you breakfast.

Like a modern fella.

f*cking hell! What time is it?

Good morning! Morning.

Ah. Where is Her Ladyship? Hm?

In the bog? Trowelling
on the w*r paint?

She knows she's gotta
be here by 9:45, right?

I'm saying nothing.

Should've hired a professional.

I have to go, Aiden. I'm late.

Not until you say
yes. I can't say yes!

Things have changed.
I've seen a different world.

A world without me in it?

Sorry.

♪ I'm on my way

♪ I feel OK Oh,
not now, Mr Norris.

♪ Coming back to you

♪ Know you love me, too

♪ I'm homeward bound

♪ I'm coming round

c*ck hell!

Dennis. Sir.

♪ I know that you're the one

♪ The one, only one

♪ That's why I'm
coming back to you

Morning.

♪ I'm on my way Ow!

♪ I feel OK

♪ On my way

♪ On my way ♪

And where is Miss Straw?

Erm... she's on her way.

Beryl, kindly phone
Marcia Bell's agent.

Tell him we would like to offer
Miss Bell the part of Barbara

in Jim And Barbara.
It'd be my pleasure.

So, so sorry, everyone. Still had
my watch set to Blackpool time.

Ooh.

Yes, erm...

Welcome, everyone, to
this new Comedy Playhouse.

It's called Jim And Barbara.

It's written by Tony
Holmes and Bill Gardener.

Starring Clive
Richardson, of course,

and introducing... Sophie Straw.

Hey.

♪ If you do want me

♪ Gimme little sugar

♪ If you don't want me

♪ Don't lead me on, girl

♪ But if you need me

♪ Show me that you love me

♪ And when I'm feeling blue

♪ And I want you

♪ There's just one thing

♪ That you should do

♪ Just gimme
some kind of sign, girl

♪ Oh, my baby

♪ To show me
that you're mine, girl

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Just gimme
some kind of sign, girl

♪ Oh, my darling

♪ To show me
that you're mine, girl

♪ All right ♪

And lights fade on Barbara
And Jim on doorstep.

Music. End credits.

Thank you, everyone.

Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.

Can we take that
as a green light, sir?

I shall inform you when
I've made my decision.

Whatever happens,

thank you so much for
giving me this chance.

Oh, it was...

What if old f*cked-up
Sargent says no?

We've written it for her now.
She didn't sh*t up any of the jokes.

You know, plus, we
know Dennis likes her.

Did you see his face
when she hugged him?

Face? I could hardly see
it behind his enormous lob.

You are disgusting. Yeah.

You know, if she does get the
part, they'll have to find a way

to be a convincing
couple. Though I suppose,

as long as they can
act, it'll be - all right.

- You're the expert.

Oh, here we go.
Time to f*ck with Tony.

Did June know...
when she married you?

- Bill, mate, you're drunk.
- That's when I'm at my most sparkling.

f*ck.

But what about
the practical side?

Oh, Jesus, just leave it out! It's
none of your bleeding beeswax!

We're working on all that.

If this Comedy
Playhouse goes to series,

we're gonna have to get our normal
married couple facts from somewhere

and they sure as hell aren't
gonna be from me... ducky.

All right, that's
enough. Come on!

Bill, please.
- I need to lie down. - Please.

Oh, f*cking hell.

Oh, my God, that's
gonna be the landlord!

Quick, quick, quick!
Quick! Under here!

Why are we hiding?
Doesn't he have a key?

Just shut up and try and
blend in - with the lino.

- Sophie?

Are you in there?

Brian. What are you doing here?

Jesus Christ.

Has there been an earthquake?

Are there any survivors?

Er, Marjorie.

Good morning, Marjorie.

Er, please, take a seat.
Erm, mind the wonky leg.

I beg your pardon?
She means the chair.

Well...

it seems you got the job.

We start rehearsals right away!

May I suggest that with
your first paycheque,

you get a telephone installed,
and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer.

So, your first day.

Don't look so worried. It's
as easy as riding a bike.

Our director will
be along shortly.

I thought Dennis was
the director. I wish.

Ted Sargent has
insisted on Bert,

one of his safe pairs of
hands, to keep us in check.

Why do you wish
Dennis - was the director?

- You'll see.

The script is joke-free
and far too long

and we'll never
sh**t it in an evening.

Everyone say a big hello to
Bert Redwood, our director.

Yeah, sorry, Bert,
that's Tony's fault,

he wrote all the long, - non-funny bits.
- Right.

Well, I'm sure
it'll scrub up nicely

with your experienced
hands at the helm, Bert.

Don't blame me if we're still
stuck here filming at midnight, Ma...

Ma... hatma...

or however you
pronounce your name.

It's Mahindra and you know that.
Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.

Right, from the top!

Sophie Straw, I can't hear
myself think. Can you mime?

Not...

Jesus!

You do the action, no sound.
Clive, you're on camera left,

you're on the telephone,
you're being dumped by Celia.

Cicely. Who cares?

Sophie Straw, you're still
cleaning, but you're listening in

to that telephone call.

You just walked
into a camera! What?

On the night, there'll be four
ruddy great television cameras

pointed at you, and if you are
standing there, you're gonna be

on the cameraman's lap. Now,
much as he might enjoy it, dear,

it doesn't make
good telly. Sorry, Bert.

It just felt like the
right place to be.

It felt like the right
place to... It felt like the...

Do you know, this
isn't Hedda Gabler.

We're not plumbing
our emotional depths.

We are blocking
a sh1tting sitcom!

Now, just stay where
I bloody well put you!

Not on the coat rack!

Maybe I could help here.

Bert, erm, when I'm on
the telephone, would it help

if perhaps I would
be here for Sophie...

But we've actually
got a better line for her.

Mr Redwood...

It feels a bit shallow.
Do you know what?

We may as well cut
the whole bloody scene!

Then it would be too short.
- And not very funny. - Bit like Bert.

Well, I suppose that's a wrap.

Let's reconvene tomorrow at
the studio for the dress rehearsal,

9am sharp. Oh, Sophie.

Er, the press department have
- organised an interview for you.

- Me?

Hi, I'm Diane Lewis, - Cherry Magazine.
- Hi!

Well, shall we?

I've never done
an interview before.

Well, judging by that rehearsal,
you can clearly hold your own.

Oh, my God. Bert got his
pants in a right old bunch!

Oh, don't write that
down! I'll get - - in trouble!

- Too late, it's in.
- Ohh!

I'm such a dippy-doodle!
It's fine, I was joking!

Oh.

So, have you ever
read Cherry Magazine?

Is it anything like
Woman's Weekly?

It's for young girls, so less
knitting cakes for the WI

and more of the
important issues of the day,

like what clothes you
wear, who your boyfriend is

and what you cook for him.
You don't like your job, do you?

Oh.

I trained as a news
reporter. Really?

But it's taking a while
to get my foot in the door.

Right. This is fun for now.

And I've gotta say,
I love the freebies.

And we get membership to
places like The Vaults Of St James.

The what of the what?
- It's a cool nightclub. - Oh!

Like Talk Of The Town!
With fewer pensioners.

It's the hottest ticket
in London. You'd dig it.

Look, give me a ring some time

and I... will take you there.

'Dearest Bubble. Work at the
factory is as action-packed as ever.

The sugar boiler went on the
blink, but we fixed it with a wingnut.

Home life is very quiet. '

'I can't wait to see
you in action, my love.

I've told Marie I'm going
down to a rock convention.

She thinks I'm joining
the Rolling Stones.

I'm bursting with pride,
got a smile on my face

and a spring in my step.

See you there.
Ying tong iddle I po!'

Here we are.

Sorry, can I just have a moment?

Is this all for me? Yes.

Thanks again... for
taking a chance on me.

Well, you'll be terrific.
You've really lifted the show.

I've always hoped to
find someone like you.

Comedy-wise, obviously.

Obviously. Yes.
Right, I'll leave you to it.

Hm!

Ooh!

Does Bert really
want me to wear this?

He wants to show
your shape, dear.

But... I'm the cleaner.

Who mops floors
in a get-up like this?

It's a sitcom, not
a Play For Today.

All right, what do you think?

Right.

Then Jim says, "That's
nearly a mouthful. "

It's good.

Why doesn't it work? Rhythm.

Try putting in a very there.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's... very nearly... That's
very nearly... a mouthful.

Well, that's very
nearly a mouthful.

Again. Oh, that's
very nearly a mouthful.

That's... That's very
nearly a mouthful!

That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's very... That's
very nearly... Holly.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

Mr Mahindra, you're
wanted in wardrobe.

Has something happened?
Yeah, the British Museum called.

They want that outfit back.

Madam doesn't like her costume.

It's just when I watch a comedy,

the characters I like have
imperfections. They're real.

Night, George! - Night, George.
- Night, George!

Night, Pat.

Don't stay too late!
Good night, ladies.

Be good. If you can't
be good, be careful.

Enjoy your day off!

So, here we are.

Sophie, welcome to the space.
Make sure that you have everything,

your props, et cetera, et cetera,
right where you want them.

This is your manor, mate,
as Bill and Tony would say.

When have you ever heard
either of us ever say that?

He thinks we're the f*cking
pearly king and queen.

- Ooh, what a perfect pear!
- Ooh, cheeky!

But, Soph, all of
the fruit is fake.

Everything on this set is
fake. Including the lead actor.

Oh, ha-ha! Oh!

Not the face! Not the face!

Some more fakery!

All right, children,
thank you very much.

- Do not destroy the set.
- Sorry. First positions. Thank you.

"Hello, boys and girls. " Oh, Jesus!
Not, just Bert in the control room.

"Sophie Straw, this
is a dress rehearsal.

Why aren't you in costume?"

I am in costume, Bert.

That is not the costume I
had planned, Sophie Straw.

Sorry, Bert, that was my decision.
I'm not taking orders from a...

From a what?
Please, do continue.

Let's just run this wretched
scene from when Barbara comes in

with a vacuum cleaner. And
trust me, it won't be nearly as funny

now we can't see down her top.

OK, camera one, you're a sl*ve on
Sophie. Show me what you've got.

See, now, that's
funny. That's funny.

Right, first positions. Action!

Cicely, darling, look, of
course there is absolutely

no other woman in my life.
- Oh, Jim? - Hm?

Do you want me to
polish your nick-nacks?

Nick-nacks has got two
Ks in it, it should be funny.

Maybe the logic's off. Oh,
this might sound rubbish,

but, erm, I could pick up
my feather duster and say,

"Jim, can I flick it
on your nick-nacks?"

"That's a good idea,
Sophie. Give it a go. "

Three Ks, even better.

♪ I'll travel

♪ Well, I might take a
boat or I'll take a plane

♪ I might hitchhike
or jump a railroad train

♪ Your kind of love
drives a man insane

♪ So look for me
walking just any old way

POSH ACCENT: Hello. I'm Cicely.

Oh, sorry, oh, you
want me to be Jim?

What? Oh, hello!

I found this downstairs
on the mat. Ooh.

I've never had a
telegram before.

Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.

First your mother and
now you abandoning him.

His poor heart can't take it.

Look, there's a train first thing
tomorrow morning. Be on it.

I can't come
tomorrow, Aunty Marie.

"What do you mean
you can't come?"

Well, I'll be letting an
awful lot of people down.

I'll come first thing
Saturday. Saturday?

He might be dead by Saturday!

But Aunty Marie,
you don't understand...

No!

Ohhh.

♪ Oooh

♪ It's time to go home

♪ We've been out too long

♪ So, baby

♪ Let's go home ♪