01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

The following programme
contains strong language.

♪ Sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows

♪ Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together

♪ Brighter than a lucky penny

♪ When you're near the
rain goes, disappears, dear

♪ And I feel so fine

♪ Just to know that you are mine

♪ My life is sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows

♪ That's how this refrain goes

♪ So, come on,
join in, everybody

♪ Sunshine, lollipops and...

I drew you in the sweepstake
for the beauty contest, Barb.

So, pull out all
the stops, will ya?

Oh, it's just a lark, Pat.

My money's on Janice Allsthrop.
she's got a bigger beehive.

♪ Sunshine, lollipops...

♪ Everything that's wonderful

♪ Is what I feel
when we're together...

And what a feast for the eyes.

You lucky girls, my good lady wife
was going to enter the competition.

Mm! Pulled out
because of her bunions.

I jest. A former Miss
Blackpool herself,

believe it or believe it not,

girls, be warned, kiddies and
cream buns, that's what happened.

You're no oil painting yourself.

But you didn't marry me because
I was an oil painting, my love.

Whereas... Well, that
was the whole point of you.

Go on, give us a smile, love.

Oh, it looks like
we have a decision.

In third place...

...Sandra Holt!

- Well done.
- Well done, Sandra. - Well done.

Applause please for our
runner-up. Well, hopefully,

she won't be running
anywhere in those heels.

Janice Allsthrop.

Yeah, well done. Janice.

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Oh, crikey Mr Parker,
it's down to the wire.

Hold your nerve,
Aiden, hold your nerve.

In first place, the
Belle of Blackpool 1964,

is Barbara Parker.

♪ Sunshine,
lollipops and rainbows

♪ Everything that's wonderful
is what I feel when we're together

♪ Brighter than a lucky penny

♪ When you're near the
rain goes, disappears, dear

♪ And I feel so fine

#Because you're in love

♪ You're in love...

♪ And love is here to stay

Barbara Parker, ladies
and gentlemen. Very good.

Well done, love.

Len Phillips, Evening Gazette.
So, are we the immediate family?

I'm her father, George Parker.

Excuse me. Coming through.
P- A-R-K-E-R.Excuse me.

I'm related too,
thank you very much.

Who's this then?
The Queen Mother?

I am most certainly not her
mother, I'm her Aunt Marie.

This young buck is Aiden.

Barbara's - fiance.
- They won't like that.

Don't want to break the
hearts of every lad in Blackpool.

I am here, if you want
to ask me anything.

No, thanks. I just
make the rest up.

All right, then. Out the way!
Let's go for the money shot.

Stick your chest out, love.
You could be a glamour girl.

- The next Sabrina.
- Oh, come on, our Barbara, say cheese.

I sometimes shout out
"knickers", just to shake things up.

You want to get used to my
colourful sense of humour.

Opening supermarkets,
hospitals, dog shows.

You're gonna have
a very busy year.

♪ Open up the sky

♪ Cos I'm coming up to you

♪ So send down your wings

♪ And let 'em bring me to you

♪ You know, I'm
standing at the station

♪ Ready to go

♪ Oh, big old aeroplane

♪ I'm trusting you so

♪ Get on up, big
bird, to my baby's love

♪ Get on up, big bird,
I got to make it work

♪ Get on up, big bird

♪ With me down here

♪ And you up there

♪ Now all we know
is ♪ All we know is

♪ It ain't no fair... Dear
Dad, saying goodbye to you

was the toughest thing I've
done since learning long division.

But I had to go.
It's now or never.

♪ And never coming
back, get on up...

Tell Aiden he's got full
permission to hate me.

But I've got this feeling in
my gut that life's got something

more in store for me than
being Miss Blackpool Belle.

And now's my chance
to find out what.

♪ Get on up, big bird
♪ Get on up, big bird

♪ To my baby's love,
get on up, big bird. ♪

Dad, it's soft to say I love
you, so I won't. But I do.

I'll write as soon
as I'm settled.

Bright lights, here I come.

Good morning,
madam. Good morning.

Mother of the bride, is it?

Er, well, perhaps this hat
might suit madam better.

I like this one.
What do you think?

Have you ever seen a dead
badger on the side of the road?

I beg your pardon?
Well, you did ask.

She did ask, didn't she? Is
there a problem, Barbara?

No, no, Miss Sykes. I was
just explaining to madam

that this hat makes her head
look a little bit like, um... Roadkill.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm so sorry, madam,
She's from up north.

I was just being
honest. Honest? Honest.

The only honest
opinion madam requires

is to be told that
the hat, any hat,

looks absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Sorry, Miss Sykes, it
won't happen again.

Whoa! Hazard warning.

That chicken sandwich has
been there, like, two weeks.

Oh, it smells a bit ripe. Ripe?

Surprised it hasn't grown
legs and run out clucking.

Marjorie. Shoes.

Barbara. Hats.

There you are.

Yeah, of course, you've
got a face for hats.

Oh, you haven't seen
me in a bobble hat,

I look like a boiled
egg - in a tea cosy.

- All right, my love?

So, do you know this lot
then? No, not personally.

I can tell which departments
they work in just by looking at them.

Starting at the top.
Of the building?

The league table.
- Here you go, Marj. - Cheers, Julie.

Now, over here we've got ladies'
fashion and couture, first division.

They all went to Lucie
Clayton Modelling School,

they all talk posh,
they all walk like

they've got a stick up their
arse. Never seen one of them eat.

Perhaps they shovel down
the pies when they get home.

Oh, no, they don't go home, no.
They party all night with pop stars.

See the redhead?

Yeah. She went on
a date with a Beatle.

No! Yeah. He's just the
drummer, though, so...

Next floor down,
you've got make-up.

So, you can be
pretty and, like, short,

but you can't have the wonky
teeth. Well, no. Who wants buy lippy

off someone with a
gob like Ken Dodd?

Now, over here
we've got perfume.

Law unto themselves that
lot. What do you mean?

Men come in to buy
gifts for their ladies, yeah?

They ask the girls to spritz on
themselves so they can smell it.

That's Millie. One geezer
sniffed all the way up to her armpit.

Then he gave it a lick. Oh!

And that's you, hats.

So, what are we in hats?
Bottom of the league table?

No, no, that's us, in shoes.

Whoops! Sorry.

I could k*ll her. Now, you'll
find us in the basement,

just follow the cheesy pong.

Thanks for the
rundown, Marjorie.

Hey, it's Marj.

If you want.

Marj.

Where are you living
then? Bed and breakfast.

Just moved down from Blackpool.
- Blackpool? - Mm-hm!

Is that why you talk funny?
From where I'm standing,

you're the one who talks
funny. I'm from Croydon,

we all sound like this. See you.

Er, look, I've... I've got
a room in Earl's Court.

Good for you. What? No.

I mean, you can
move in, if you like.

I'm looking for
a flatmate, so...

OK.

♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and pressure tenants

♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and pressure tenants

♪ It come like everything crash

♪ Them nah want
you for use the gas

♪ Put in shilling for get a bath...
- Hiya. - All right?

You've got so much stuff.

It's mainly hairspray.

OK. ♪ What are we here?

♪ Landlords and
pressure tenants...

You coming? Ugh!

This is Sandra.

- Hiya.
- Hi.

All right? ♪ Landlords
and pressure tenants. ♪

It's only one more flight.
You said that two flights ago.

Come in. Oop!

Welcome to Maison a la Marj.

Kitchen's just there.
This is the bedroom.

That's my bed, this is your
bed here, by the window.

I can't sleep in a draft
because of my adenoids.

Mayday, mayday, London
calling. It's groovy here, Dad.

I've landed on my feet in
a swanky penthouse flat.

By night, you'll find me enjoying
c*ck and witty repartee.

By day, I've got a
job in the West End,

giving high-class ladies
expert advice on fancy hats.

Absolutely perfect.

It's a bit different to
rolling sticks of rock.

But I sometimes miss the
heady pong of sugar up my nose.

Say hello to Auntie
Marie and tell her

I've still got ideas
above my station.

You never know, I
could be the biggest thing

to come out of Blackpool
since you-know-who

and the you-know-whats.

Big kiss, Dad.
Ying tong iddle I po.

Lucy, ready? Hello, friends.

I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl.
Are you tired, run down, listless?

Do you poop out at
parties? Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your
problems is in this bittle lottle.

Er, little bottle.

Good, I haven't missed it.

Oh, what are we having
for our tea tonight?

Oh, it depends
what you're cooking.

Marj, would you stop using my
best saucepan to boil your pants!

Well, how else am I
meant to get the stains out?

I've just spent an hour at the
laundrette, why didn't you come?

Because I don't want strangers
just staring at me knick-knocks.

At least I caught
a bit of Lucille Ball.

So, that was a bonus. Hey,
maybe we should get a telly?

I'm not watching that I Love Lucy
lady, she gets me all wound up.

Pulling funny faces and
falling on her backside.

What kind of job is that? That's
worse than working in shoes.

I'd love to get paid to muck about.
- What? On telly? - Yeah. Why not?

You wanna be an actress?
Well, maybe, I don't know.

My dad says that actresses are
no better than common prostit*tes.

Is your dad a vicar
from Victorian times?

No, he works at the car plant.

- Oh! - Oh!
- Bloody hell. - Aah.

Never mind a telly, we haven't even
got enough money to pay the meter.

Hey, give me some change. I
splashed out on the tumble dryer.

- Oh.
- Oh! What are we gonna do now?

Oh! Hang on. It's just started.

The Awkward Squad is written
by Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes.

Produced and directed
by Dennis Mohindra.

That's Smythe, played
by... Smythe played by...

...Clive Richardson!
... Clive Richardson!

Excuse me, but
who's in charge here?

- You are!
- You are!

A family of six are moving
in from Glasgow tomorrow.

I haven't got time to be cooking
and cleaning up after you.

Oh, Marie, just
leave it, you know,

go and see to your
guests at Seagull's Hall.

Nook, Seagull's Nook.

And you'll do your washing and
run a vacuum round too, will you?

I'd like to see that.
Well, I'll just do it later.

Just leave it. It may
have escaped your notice

but she's the same age
as her mother when she left.

She's not gonna
disappear like Gloria.

She just needs to spread
her wings, that's all.

Well, might not be all she's
spreading if she's not careful.

Marie, please. She...
She can handle herself.

Listen, just because we
didn't get any chances,

doesn't mean to
say she shouldn't.

You made her think
she's - something special.

- But she is.

She's swanned off to London...
I always told her that... like,

like she's above the lot of us.

But she doesn't mean it like that.
So, what was wrong with Aiden?

I was in there for sausage
this morning, I was mortified.

If she'd played her cards right,
she could have been betrothed

to the best-looking
butcher in Blackpool.

Well...

Keep out of this
Private Private.

So sorry, didn't
realise it was private.

Excuse me, but who's
in charge here? You are!

♪ You can't despise
what you want to do...

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.
Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely per-fect!

Ab-so-lute-ly per-fect.

♪ You've got to do
it yourself now. ♪

I love it. How do I
get from this to this?

You could always apply for a
promotion to the perfume counter.

Minnie saw, um, Jimmy
Tarbuck in the London Palladium.

Blimey. Do they get paid
loads more in perfume?

Don't be a twerp, she
ain't got money for a ticket.

Her gentleman friend
has. All the girls on perfume

get taken to shows
by gentlemen friends.

You'd have no
trouble reeling one in.

Barb, darling, thanks
so much for this.

No problem.

Need to pop to the -
clinic for some clap cream.

- Yeah.

He looks like he
might be on the prowl.

Go on, Barb darling,
give him an eyeful.

Right.

Do you know what
Marilyn Monroe said

when she was asked
what she - - wore in bed?

- No.
- Chanel No. 5.

Oh! She'd have
got terrible chilblains

on a nippy night in Norbreck.

Barbara.

I wasn't aware you'd
been transferred to parfum.

Yep, temporarily. Millie
had to pop to the clinic.

What for? Clap... ping.

Clap, clap, clapping cream.

Er, she... she...
Ooh, she can't clap

because her hands are red
raw, a terrible affliction, can't clap.

You were recommending this?

Yes. It's a lovely
eau de toilet.

Toilette. That's the one.

Well, er, I'd like to
see how it smells.

Of course. Allow me.

Hm. Hm.

Hmmm!

Where's this Valentine
lord fella taking you then?

We're going to see Matt
Munro at the Talk Of The Town.

Ooh, fancy pants.

Next time, I'll ask
if he's got a friend.

What type do you fancy?

I like any type.
Get off! Get off!

What are you gonna wear then?

Me smart dress.

Oh, nice, if you're
going to a funeral.

Have you not got
anything sparkly?

Close your eyes.

Oh, my god! Where
did you get that?

It was me mum's, she loved a
bit of ballroom back in the day,

so I'm told. What do you reckon?

You look like an
expl*si*n at a tinsel factory.

Oh! Well, what am
I gonna wear then?

You leave this one to me.

Psst.

Hey!

What was in the other bag?

Diet pills, my dad sends them,
I usually flush 'em down the lav

but, occasionally,
they come in handy.

♪ Downtown

♪ Things will be
great when you're

♪ Downtown

♪ No finer place for sure

♪ Downtown

♪ Everything's waiting
for you ♪ Downtown

♪ Downtown...

♪ Downtown... Here ya go, love.

♪ Downtown, Downtown

♪ Downtown. ♪

You look ravishing.

Campari and soda for the lady.

Thanks.

Oh, do I drink it or gargle it?

Come here often, do
you? Well, let's just say

I have the occasional
business rendezvous.

And what do you do after
you've done your business?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, sorry, that sounded wrong.

Um, I meant after the
show, do you go backstage

and mingle with the
stars? Or have a c*ck?

Oh, don't you worry, I
have plans for us later.

Valentine, is that you?

Sidney.

And your lovely lady wife. Hello,
Audrey. What a nice surprise.

Aren't you going
to introduce us?

Yes, this is Barbara, she's
my... A secretary in my office.

Yeah, she's nuts
about Matt Munro,

and when a ticket unexpectedly
came up she jumped at the chance.

Hm!

Well, Sidney, why don't we
get the ladies a proper drink

and then we can discuss
business. Would you excuse us?

We've got a table.

You're welcome to my Campari,
Audrey, I haven't touched it.

No? I don't blame you.
It smells like toilet bleach.

He may not be wearing a ring
but he is married, you know?

Who? Sidney?

You know who I mean.
He's married to Joan.

And they have two children.

But I don't expect your
sort care much about that.

What sort is that, exactly?

A good-time girl.

Out for what she can get
from unsuspecting married men.

Come along, ladies. Matt
Munro is about to begin.

How's your wife, Valentine?

Um, she's a bit under
- the weather, actually.

- Hm.

I think I might have
caught what she's got,

a touch of having the wool
pulled over your eyes-itis.

It was nice to meet you, Audrey.

Sidney. And, Valentine, send
my commiserations to Joan.

Oh, you leaving
already? Don't ask.

I like your dress.
Borrowed from work.

Turns out I needn't
have bothered.

Plus it's about as comfortable
as being sewn into a wind sock.

Bloody nightmare if you need
a wazz. The ladies is that way.

Shout if you need help with
the zipper, I'll hold onto your coat.

Soft, what light from
yonder window breaks.

Oh, you can bugger off and all.

Hey, you don't
remember me, do you?

We met at the first night of that
Arthur Askey film you were in.

What a revelation.
I've not been in any film.

Matt Monro! My
dear, I'm terribly sorry.

I could have sworn
you were Sabrina.

I'm not bloody Sabrina! And you
fellas might learn to tell us apart

if you ever bothered to
look above a woman's neck.

Might I buy you a drink
by way of apology?

You've got to be joking.

I never joke, absolutely
no sense of humour.

My name is Brian Debenham.

And this is my dear wife, Patsy.

Oh, I say, you are awfully
pretty, - Right up your street, Brian.

- Hm.

Rather like Sabrina.
- She doesn't like to hear that. - Oh!

And I don't like it when men try
to pick me up while their wives

are watching!

But we're not trying to
pick you up for kinky sex.

No, my dear. What I've got planned
for you is much grubbier than that.

Was it something I said?

Everything. Come on, Patsy.

♪ For your sake I say

♪ Walk away

♪ Just go

♪ Walk away and live

♪ A life that's full

♪ With no regrets

♪ Don't look back at me

♪ Just try to forget

♪ Why build a dream...

Alone at last. We both
know what we're here for.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna have
what I paid for. No!

No!

Ugh!

♪ Just run, run away

♪ Mm-mm... Ugh!

Kick him in the c*ck!

Ugh! Argh! Argh!

Oh!

♪ My tears will fall

♪ Now that you're gone

♪ I can't help but cry

♪ But I must go on

♪ I'm sad that I

♪ Have been searching so long

♪ You, I love you

♪ I love you. ♪

Here, my business card.

We told you it was grubby.

Come and see me
in the office sometime.

There's a lot of
opportunity for a girl like you.

Take a taxi home, darling. The
rain plays havoc with a hair piece.

Heavy night on the
Babycham, was it?

How is our old pal, Valentine?

Valentine was not a gentleman.

I think the word gentleman
in gentleman's friend

is a bit like the word
public in public school.

Probably should have warned you.

Those perfume fellas
just want it on a plate.

Thought you'd know that.

Why, what's the matter?
You're not a virgin, are you?

Are you? Shut up!

The point is, you
don't look like a virgin,

so you should probably
expect fellas to have a crack.

No, Marj, the point is, it's one
thing choosing to go with a fella,

it's quite another thing when a
man thinks its his for the taking.

Right, well, come on missus,

get your clobber on,
we're late for work.

Actually, Marj, could you drop
the dress back with ladies' fashion,

I'm not up to hats today.

Sorry, I've only got enough coppers
for me weekly call with me dad.

He says patience is a virtue.

He's not the one that's
sitting in the freezing cold

eating pilchards from a tin.

Perfect timing.

George, look who's
just dropped by

with a lovely
bit of... tripe. Ha!

Eh up, Mr Parker.
All right, Aiden.

Would you like a cuppa,
Aiden? Oh, I'd love one.

I'm absolutely parched.
George, where are your manners?

Go and make Aiden a
nice cup of tea. No, wait.

George? Oh!

Barbara, it's me. Aiden!
What are you doing there?

What are you doing there?
You've made your point,

it's time to stop faffing
around and come home.

Please, I need to
speak to me dad.

Here, here, there you
go. Give us the phone.

Dad? Dad, are
you there? Barbara?

Mayday, mayday!

Hey, how was Matt Munro?

Er, Dad...

Are you all right, love? Um...

Remember, love, if at first you
don't succeed, come home and have...

No!

♪ Pretend you're
happy when you're blue

♪ It isn't very hard to do

♪ And you'll find
happiness without an end

♪ Whenever you pretend

♪ Remember anyone can dream

♪ And nothing's as
bad as it may seem. ♪

I don't think we were
properly introduced.

I'm Barbara Parker.

Why are you here,
Barbara Parker?

You gave me your business card.

No, I mean here in London.

Tell me all about yourself?

Hm? Oh! Um, I was
born in Blackpool.

- Hmm!
- And I came to London to be... someone.

Anyone in particular?

Are you tired?
Listless? Run down?

Do you poop out at parties? Are you
unpopular? Then try Vitavigavegivat.

Goodness gracious me.

Do you not know Lucille Ball?

What on earth has dear
Lucille got to do with anything?

Wonderful legs, of
course, but, unfortunately,

she was forced to make
faces in order to pay the rent.

No. You, you have
something different.

You have star quality.

Hm! Would you like an egg?

No, thank you.

Um, are you the agent of
all these famous people?

Many have sat
where you are sitting

at some point in their careers.

And the others I, er...

...pin up for inspiration.

So, let's get cracking.

We don't want the bloom
to go off the rose, do we, er,

Barbara?

Any relevant experience?

Me dad says I'm
good at doing voices.

Well, we'll be sure to put
that on your curriculum vita.

No experience at all.

Not unless you count
being Miss Blackpool Belle.

Miss Blackpool Belle?
Well, now you're talking.

That is something I can work
with. Hm, local beauty queen,

our very own
Cinderella. I love it.

So, can I give up me
job at Lewis Peters?

Well, let's not do
anything rash...

.. Barbara.

Barbara, what did you
say your name was?

Parker. Barbara Parker.

Barbara is ever so
slightly provincial, hm?

What do you think of Sophie?

Do I know her? No, I
mean the name Sophie.

How about Sophie Straw? Hm?

It's modern, it's
fresh, it's alliterative.

Hm! It's like Sandy Shaw.

Sophie Straw?

It sounds like a
type of animal feed.

Precisely. If even I, a
happily married man,

deeply in love with his
wife, ends up thinking about

rolls in the hay
with Sophie Straw,

imagine what all the unhappily
married men will feel like?

Rolls in the hay? Well,
figuratively speaking.

I'll be Sophie, I suppose, if
you think it will help me get a job.

Wonderful news. To that
end, I'll ask Patsy, my wife,

to go out shopping with you
for a lovely gingham bikini.

- Bikini?
- Hm. It's coming on winter.

Yeah, you can wear
it for your auditions,

so that everyone can
see your lovely shape.

If I wanted to shimmy
about in me swimmers,

I could have
stayed in Blackpool.

Are you telling me you
actually want to act?

Oh, well, hm! That's it.

Well, we'll send you out on
some auditions, with words,

and we'll call
it a trial period.

A trial period, no bikinis.

Yet.

Ever.

Oh, Pats, will you get
me the toast, please?

Of course, darling,
butter on both sides?

♪ I can't sit still

♪ With the hippy hippy shakes

♪ Yeah, I get my fill now

♪ With the hippy hippy shakes

♪ Yeah, it's in the bag. ♪
Fancy a cuppa?

I've got news. Oh,
I've got news too.

Shall I go first or...?
You got the sack.

Sykesy told me to
give you that letter

and tell you not to come back.

How did she know
about the dress?

She saw it. Apparently,
when they took it out the bag

in ladies' fashion, it was so
crispy that it stood up on its own.

Did you get in trouble? No.

Sykesy gave a talking
to all the girls in perfume,

make-up and fashion
about loose - morals.

- Oh, god! This is awful.

I know, she didn't
bother with us in shoes

cos, apparently,
we're not at risk. Rude.

Well, in that case,

it's just as well that I got
myself a theatrical agent.

Whoo!

It's a brand-new farce
called Move Over, Madam,

and your character is a flighty
young debutante whom the male lead,

Nigel, is keen to tup.

He is, of course,
prevented from doing so

by his shrewish hag of a wife.

Page 23, scene four.

And action!

For extra penetration,
wash your whites in Ripples.

Mm! Ripples, for when
things get really filthy.

No, Nigel! We can't do it here!

Not with your
wife upstairs. Stop!

Her shape's all
wrong for our brand.

I'm sorry, not
this time, darling.

Are you trying something?

What? What do you mean am...?
I mean, that there, the accent.

It's not an accent,
it's how I talk.

Oh, dear.

Hiya.

Maybe you
shouldn't try for that.

♪ If you should lose me

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ You'll lose a good thing

♪ If you should lose me

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ You'll lose a good thing. ♪

I'm either the wrong type,
wrong shape, or just plain wrong.

Perhaps our accent
is holding us back?

I thought kitchen-sink
drama was all the rage.

For angry young men, dear.

Nobody wants an angry young woman
to come romping around the stage

beating her breasts
like an orangutan.

I can't help feeling we've
rather run out of options

on the, er, speaking part front.

Go to this address,
tell them I sent you.

And if you don't get this part,
I'm afraid our trial period is over.

I'd rather be cleaning toilets.

There is a call about who you
sent for casting in The Dining In.

Not a happy bunny.

And a very good
morning to you too, Beryl.

"Why did you send to the
casting of the role of the virgin bride

"an actress who is five
months pregnant?"Oh!

"I have ceased with your
services forever, Brian. "

I'm sorry you feel that way. Oh!

It's just a silly old
comedy playhouse,

no money to be
made there, darling.

Comedy playhouse? Comedy sh*t-house.
- Pardon my French. - Comedy playhouse?

I'd love to do one of those.

Well, why didn't I think
of that, eh? Look at this,

Cicely is well spoken,
petite, brunette,

the varsity-educated daughter
of a f*cking clergyman!

Of course, you're perfect casting!
Deep breath, deep breath, darling.

Shall I loosen this?

Yes. I've spent my
whole life being helpful.

.. written by Tony
Holmes and Bill Gardiner,

directed and produced
by Dennis Mohindra.

Thank you so much. Marvellous
work as always. We'll be in touch.

Oh, could you show - Marcie out, please?
- Of course.

We can catch up on
all the theatre gossip.

I hear there's been
much ado about nothing

over Richard Burton's Hamlet.

Hello? - Oh! My goodness!
- Oh!

Um...

Sorry. I'll give you a
hand. No, sorry. Yes.

I haven't missed it,
have I? The audition?

I just saw Beryl in the corridor
and she said to get a wriggle on.

Beryl said that?

Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Miss...

Um... Sorry. We weren't,
um, expecting anyone else.

My agent definitely arranged
for me to meet you at 20 past.

Er, Beryl said to
start without her.

I'm Sophie Straw.

Er, Dennis. Dennis
Mohindra. Mr Mohindra!

I've listened to every
single Awkward Squad,

it's the best thing
since... sausages.

Sorry, I don't even
know what - that means.

- Nice, well, thank you.

Could you give me
just one moment?

Um, apparently, there's
one more young lady for us.

Oh, Jesus, seriously? I thought
we all decided on Marcia Bell.

You might have decided on
Marcia Bell on the basis that

you want to f*ck her.

Oh, that ship's
already sailed, actually.

But we haven't
decided, right, Tony?

Well, she looks right for the part,
she's a very good classical actress

- but is she funny?
- Er, no. She doesn't have to be funny.

I'm funny. The script's
funny... in places.

Oh, steady on, Clive, you almost
gave the writers a compliment.

In that case, I take it back.
Fascinating as this discussion is,

can we hear the young lady read,
we've got to be out of here by 6pm.

Well, bring her in,
surely she can't be

more wrong for the part
than the other 20 we've seen.

Hi, everyone.

So sorry, Miss
Straw. Er, please.

I'm joking, apologies.
For some stupid reason,

I imagined Cicely as the
well-educated, upper class,

petite, brunette
daughter of a vicar.

I am brunette, honest.
Under the peroxide.

I know I don't look like
how you imagine Cicely

but you lot don't look
like how I imagined.

I thought you'd all be
tweedy posh lads with pipes.

You're Clive, aren't you?

Yes, you've seen me on the
stage. Did you catch his Coriolanus?

No, I had the vaccine.

Sorry. No I just... I recognised
his voice from the Awkward Squad.

Captain Smythe. Described
by one critic as having

the most irritating voice since
Peter Sellers played Bluebottle.

And he's not even putting it on.
- Hmm! - Are you Bill or Tony?

I'm Bill. That's got to be a
first. Usually nobody knows

the writers' names until
they've read their obituary.

A- hem! Er, chaps, shall we
push on and let Miss Straw read?

Yes, do let's hear her read.
What have you prepared?

Prepared? Well, I
didn't really have time.

The Awkward Squad was written
by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes

and produced by Dennis Mohindra.

Sparky was played
by Frank Hector.

And... Ooh!

- Private Private was played by...
- .. somebody private.

And... .. Captain Smythe

was played by Clive Richardson!

What the...?

Ah, Beryl, perfect timing. We
were just auditioning Sophie.

Who? Sophie Straw.

Spoke to her in the corridor?
I gather she's on your list?

She most certainly is not.

We've never met.
Sophie, I thought you said...

Yeah, I rather think you've
been made a fool of, Dennis.

As if we'd ever cast
someone like her.

Sophie. Er, please, let me.

Thank you.

AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk

♪ I've got some
troubles but they won't last

♪ I'm gonna lay right
down here in the grass

♪ And pretty soon
all my troubles will pass

♪ Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo

♪ Shoo-shoo-shoo

♪ Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo,
shoo-shoo Sugar Town. ♪

You wanna be an actress? Aye
think aye left may hombug hair?

My future lies in one man's
hands. Good looks and comic ability

rarely go hand in hand.

You've got the job.

I wasn't sure about
'em kissing and cuddling.

It's modern.

Chemistry's
particularly good tonight.

Don't let anyone tell you you
can't do what you want to do.

It's up to me what you say
and when you get to say it.

Times are changing. Get
with it, or get out of my way.

Sorry I let you down.