01x02 - Baby Tu Toh Shark Hai

[bunniefuu]

b*stard, our company makes nursery rhymes.

How do I deal with your antics,
you as*h*le?

You asked for Russian dancers,
so I arranged them for you.

You wanted Chinese dancers,

I sent them from Tokyo to Canada.

Tokyo is not in China, sir.

Shut up! Not a sound!

Do whatever you want in your room.

f*ck a woman, f*ck a man,

f*ck a goat, f*ck yourself…

I don't give a f*ck!

-But why did you go live, you moron!
-Sir…

These four hummers that you've got

all in different colors…

I'll get each of them sold.

All of them!

-Hello?
-Sir, I will look in-- Hello?

-Cut it, cut it.
-Sir? Hello?

-Hello! Hello!
-Sir, we can't hear you.

-But I can hear you--
-Hello?

-How did you press the button, AG?
-Who the f*ck knows?

Now, everyone knows who you f*cked.

I told you not to put these apps
on my phone!

I just don't get them!

Okay, we need damage control.

I'm going to say that
we are filming a song,

and this is its footage.

And what am I, a porn star?

We don't have an option.

The girl wants to sue.

She's already got an offer
for a reality show.

She won't get any votes.
She'll be out in the first round.

Okay, now, listen to me.

Post a nice picture with your mom

about a childhood memory,

and talk about how she taught you
to respect women.

Just shut up, Nina.
I'm not doing any such thing.

And we need to pay one million dollars

to that girl to withdraw the case.

Yeah. Nobody is asking you
to keep it in your pants.

Just keep the f*cking camera off.

Yeah, I get it, I get it!

Yeah, you'd better get it.

Does he ever speak?

-Ma'am, your cake.
-Cake!

-So pink!
-Wow!

Rishabh, son, can we have some light here?

I can't even see the cake.

It's mood lighting, Dad.

Come on, son.

-Light.
-And can we have champagne, please?

No?

Okay, I'll have a glass.

Just one glass, please?

Cut the cake!

Yes, come on! Cut the cake!

Okay.

-Congratulations!
-Congrats!

I'll serve everyone.

-Cake?
-I hope it's eggless.

Is it?

-I don't know.
-Oh, then, we cannot have it.

But Rishabh can eat it.

We're chained, I mean,
bound by customs and traditions,

but you can have it.

-You have it.
-How do you manage all this in Dubai?

Actually, we're very liberal.

Anyway, everyone's vegan these days.

You know how it is.

So, there's no problem,
but there are no restrictions on Rishabh.

-He can have anything.
-Yeah, except on Mondays, Tuesdays,

-Saturdays, and during Navratri--
-Shravan.

-Shravan, funerals.
-Amit?

Yeah? No?

Right, and all this won't work
at the wedding.

Means?

This means alcohol
and non-vegetarian food.

Then, let's get married at home.

The wedding will be at Babaji's ashram

in God's presence.

Come on. It's deep.

Besides, weddings are not
just about getting drunk

and eating dead animals.

Why are we discussing the wedding?

We're celebrating the proposal, right?

Yeah, exactly.

My schedule is tight
for the next six months.

I have to arrange funds
for the new restaurant branches.

Besides, why are we discussing
something that's two years away?

Two years?

Rishabh, two years?

Amit's blood pressure
and diabetes keep fluctuating.

Oh!

Yeah, actually.

If you're planning to get married,
you may as well do it now.

-Yes.
-Why wait?

Really! You've known each
other since childhood!

You've been best friends for 12 years.

You've been living together
for four years.

You've done everything
from vacation to ab*rtion.

-What?
-Why delay?

Just do it.

-ab*rtion?
-Yeah.

They didn't know?

-Mom! What?
-I am sorry.

-Sorry.
-Lavu, I think we should get married.

It's easier that way, I feel.

Today's morning
is a little happy, and a little romantic.

So, let's listen to a lovely romantic song

from Sachin-Jigar's new album.

Stay tuned!

Greetings, Uncle!

Would you like to try some guacamole?

No, I don't eat ravioli.

You're funny, but seriously, try some.

This ravioli is really bad.

It's not ravioli, it's guacamole.

Same to you.

-Oh, no.
-Sorry.

Thank you for the amazing lunch.

Pleasure.

But we're looking for something different.

Why don't you change your team?

Bring in some certified chefs.

Well, I really believe that we can offer
a complete night-out experience here.

We're one of the highest-rated restaurants
for fusion food in this city.

That's only because we have the best team.

Let's go?

Thank you so much for your time.

Thanks.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Hi, is it Vista Heaven Hotel?

Yeah, I'm actually looking
for a venue for my wedding.

I'm so sorry, ma'am. We're completely
booked for the next six months.

Can you give me a warmer tone?

-Sure.
-Get me some options, okay?

-Ma'am?
-Yeah, hi.

-Catalogs have come in.
-Just a minute, I'm checking.

Give me a minute.

-Any luck?
-I'm so sorry, ma'am.

-Those dates are not available.
-Okay, but if there are any cancellations,

-can you let me know?
-Sure.

Hi, I'm looking
for a venue for my wedding.

-Yes, ma'am. Which year?
-Oh, this is fab!

In the next couple of months?

We're pre-booked
for the next eight months.

For a poor country like ours,
people have a lot of money.

If you can have it so can everyone.

Hello?

Every time a customer asks

-what fish we use for grilled fish…
-AG,OG! AG,OG!

you can't say, "Let me
check in the kitchen."

It doesn't work like that.

Which fish is used in grilled fish?

I miss you so much, my sweetheart!

-Arjun!
-Give me a hug, my love!

-For once--
-Oh, man, you're turning me on!

How are you, you dog?

-Same as when I left.
-Great.

Bro, why don't you just lie down?

Mehboob, my love! How are you?

-All okay.
-How's it going?

Good, by God's grace.

-Having fun?
-Having fun, you f*ck?

Let it be, brother.

He's got a girlfriend in Canada.

-Awesome!
-Girlfriend?

Mehbooba? Wow!

I fell for her.

But what about your family?

I've told your sister-in-law everything.

-All set.
-All set.

Progressive, man. Very progressive.

He's honest. Such an honest person.

-But you're not.
-What the hell did I do?

-Excuse me.
-I can't believe you didn't tell me

about your wedding! What the f*ck, bro?

Did you tell me you're coming to India?

What the f*ck, bro?

Sir.

What's the plan?

We're screwed, bro.

Why?

No hotels or banquets are available.

We'll do it at home.

-Indie wedding.
-Have you lost it?

-You're not getting married at home!
-Where else, then?

Do you remember Bombay Plaza?

Of course, bro.
Where we did MD for the first time.

Where I screwed Rachna for the first time.

f*ck! Rachna?

Chuck it.
Will you do it at Bombay Plaza or not?

Of course, bro. But how?

The manager is a huge fan of mine.

He's been telling me for years
to plan something together.

We'll show him how to do it.

What's up, baby?

What's your friend
in Silicon Valley saying?

We're officially going
to be on the app store.

-Very soon.
-What?

-Yes!
-That's sick, man.

-f*ck, I'm going to f*cking do it.
-Yeah!

Do it. Man, I'm going to f*cking do it.

Hi, hottie! Where have you been?

I've been sexy as ever!

-Cannot help it.
-Come, sit.

Baby, Arjun is sorting out the venue.

Rachn-- Bombay Plaza.

They've already said no to me.

Now, they'll grovel at your feet, Lavu.

Is it?

These guys don't leave me alone.

Listen, I sent the presentation
three hours ago to the entire APAC team.

Where's the revert on that?

What? What? No, move!

f*ck! I heard…

Heard what?

-What?
-You got drunk

and proposed to her by mistake?

-Not at all.
-No?

-Are you crazy?
-So, the Aarti loop is closed now?

sh*t's getting real now?

It's getting real now?

sh*t was always real.

-And there was no loop.
-Yeah, right.

-She was madly in love with you.
-Shut up.

-It was just one-sided love from her side.
-Shut it, Arjun.

Lavanya…

why did you call me here?

In history class,
our hands accidentally touched.

I liked it.

-So?
-So, I'm ready for it.

Ready for what?

One minute.

To hold your hand.

Hang on.

You've never held a boy's hand before?

No…

you've held a girl's hand before?

Many times.

Four, five…

I've even kissed her hand five times.

Rishabh.

Why are you standing here like a watchman?

I was getting bored.

Listen, I want to tell you
something important.

Tell me.

You won't tell anyone, right?

I'll announce it in the assembly tomorrow.

Shut up.

I have a crush on Arjun.

Don't tell him, I'll tell him myself.

I think he's perfect
to be my first boyfriend.

Preet?

-Listen…
-Yeah, Preet?

everyone's meeting up
tonight because Ajju is here.

Don't be too late, okay?

Not everyone is a star like your AG,

some of us are poor school teachers.

What rubbish, Shahid! Bye!

Bye.

AG who?

My friend, Arjun Gill.

You mean the singer, AG the OG?

Yes, he sings sometimes.

Seriously?

Oh my God. Introduce me, please.

Please! I'll be your date!

Baba.

Baba.

What's happening?

Don't want to go to the birthday party?

It's getting late.

Mehboob, man…

Great artists fall in love.

They travel to the hills
and compose love songs.

And what do I do?

First, party. Then make songs
about that party,

and then, sing those at another party.

I'm exhausted.

Come, Baba, we're getting late.

f*cking sh*t, man!

She's with us.

-Isn't she?
-Wow!

-What are those shoes?
-Wow!

Preet!

-Please don't let me fall.
-Please don't ask for my shoes.

-Why?
-I'm not going home barefoot again.

-You look beautiful, Lavu!
-Thanks.

-Hey, Preeto!
-Hi!

No, please. Not today. Arjun, no--

AG, OG!

Trust me.

Gill is not worth the pain these heels
are going to give you tonight.

-But he's so cute.
-Just saying.

-Let's go!
-Baby…

-Lav, do something!
-I love you!

What's up? What's up? What's popping?

AG the OG!

-Victoria, how are you doing?
-I'm going to show you something.

Okay.

What?

-You like it?
-That looks sick! Of course, I love it!

Thank you!

Bartender, can we have
some shots for her, please?

Not on the list. Sorry.

Stand at the back, please.

Please check again.
I'm Arjun Gill's friend.

Sorry, sir. Can't help it.

-Please check again.
-Kkrish!

Kkrish sir, this side!

Happy birthday, Priyanshi.

-Sir, this side. Sir, smile.
-Sure.

Kkrish, this side. Sir, please.

This side.

Thank you.

Ma'am…

f*ck, I shouldn't have
come in the first place.

Shahid teacher, what are you doing here?

Greetings, Altaf.
It's my friend Arjun's party.

Check if my name's in there.
I'm unable to get through to him.

Please.

Come on, Lav!

Shahid is waiting for you outside.

-So cute when you do that.
-What's so cute?

They stopped "feel bad" outside.

-Can't hear you.
-They stopped "feel bad" outside.

-Who?
-Leave him there.

-Come on.
-Oh, man!

-Who?
-Shahid, who else?

-Ma'am, your drink.
-Shahid?

Oh, yeah, here you go.

Sorry, ma'am.
AG sir's friends are not allowed to pay.

-Okay…
-Hey!

AG sir and all.

I thought you'd be impressed by my swag.

Don't you think it's too late?

I mean, you should've
impressed me earlier.

I'm happier alone.

I'll find my happiness in success.

What if you don't find it in your success?

What are you going to do?

That's the problem.

You make all your decisions out of fear…

while I make them out of choice.

AG! OG!

Master Ji is here.

Shahid!

-My love!
-Baby shark!

Sameer!

-Boys and girls…
-Yuck, man!

-put your hands together for AG the OG!
-Yuck!

Happy birthday, Priyanshi!

Leave it at bay

Your swag, sweetheart

Don't go out looking the way you do

Leave it at bay

Your swag, sweetheart

You set the floor on fire when you sway

When you walk tick-tock-tick

All eyes are on you-you-you

Gasping for breath-breath-breath

I swear on you

When you walk tick-tock-tick

All eyes are on you-you-you

Gasping for breath-breath-breath

My love-love-love

You got fire, you got the spark

These girls are fishes
But baby, you're a shark

She's going to eat me alive.

Leave it at bay

Your swag, sweetheart

Don't go out looking the way you do

Leave it at bay

Your swag, sweetheart

You set the floor on fire when you sway

When you walk tick-tock-tick

All eyes are on you-you-you

Gasping for breath-breath-breath

My love-love-love

Leave it at bay

Your swag, sweetheart

Don't go out looking the way you do

Hey, bartender, give me a shot!

A shot that goes right to my head.

-Please, Shahid, introduce me to him.
-Just a minute.

-You said you would!
-Just a minute.

Hey, Shahid teacher!

Aayat. This is Arjun.
Arjun, this is Aayat.

-Hey…
-Aayat!

Aayat!

-I think I've seen you somewhere.
-This is Aayat!

-No. Really?
-Aayat!

Have you ever been to LA?

Grew up in New York. Never been to LA.

Oh, damn!

So, LA looks like you, then.

Alright, okay!

Okay, Sheetal! Look, look!

Sheetal, what happened?

-Why is this empty?
-Why are you f*cking it up?

-I like her.
-Who?

Shift your attention elsewhere!

Hi! How are you doing, baby?

Is she not your cousin?

Oh, f*ck, bro! I thought usually you bring
your cousins to parties, so…

I didn't know-- I was f*cking confused

when she said she was from New York.

I am so sorry, I am so sorry.

I really like her!

I am sorry, man. Wait a second.

No, no, no…

Hey, Aayat! Hey!

-Hi!
-Aayat…

-this Shahid here…
-Shahid!

you know what he's done for me?

-No.
-If it wasn't for Shahid,

I wouldn't be a star or a singer today.

He paid for my first album, man.

From his savings!

-Savings!
-Wait a second, Melroy!

This guy, one time,

I saw with my own eyes…

Shahid beat up 20 g*ons
to save Preet, all alone!

He punched them hard, bro!

-And…
-You okay?

-And guys, concentrate.
-Are you fine?

-Concentrate.
-What happened?

What else did Shahid do?

At one time, Shahid rejected Microsoft,

-Apple, Google, Gpay, Upay, and Vpay…
-What?

and chose the noble profession
of cheating.

-The b*stard is a genius!
-Shahid!

-Shahid! Shahid!
-Shahid! Shahid!

Preet! Take a picture!

-What happened?
-Shahid! Shahid!

-He's the real star. It's him.
-Melu. Melu.

Preet!

Preet!

You were so good.

Thank you, Preeto.

So, what plans?

What plans?

Life plans.

Preeto…

we'll make them.

-Yeah?
-Now what?

-I don't want to go home.
-What?

-What call? After party!
-I got a call.

-We got a call from home. We've got to go.
-But why?

-Stay for five more minutes.
-Family, family…

You know what? f*ck him!

f*ck him!

f*ck him!

f*ck him.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

What the f*ck!

This is the gents' toilet.

You come on TV, right?

Yeah, I do.

Can I help you?

There you go.

You're okay?

They're all nuts.

You're so funny. Hold my shoes.

Okay, ma'am.

-Bye!
-Hi, AG!

-Bye, Mel.
-Hi, AG! I love you!

-I'm tired.
-AG, can I please take

a picture with you? Please!

-Lavu, I don't want to go to school.
-Me neither.

-Dad said you're my birthday gift.
-Thank you, bye!

And now, I'm going to unwrap this gift.

Stop!

Rishu, get the bike tomorrow.

-Now, what?
-Should I get you a cab?

-No, man. I'm fine.
-We're taking a cab.

Lavu, we'll be home in five minutes.
Come on.

-Don't be stupid.
-What did you decide?

-We're taking a cab.
-I'll leave, then.

Go on, bye.

-All the best, and, all the best.
-Bye!

Bye.

Lavu, let's go.

Come on.

Hey, stop!

Oh, f*ck.

-Stop!
-Stop!

How many more, Sir?

Until you get sober.

Or you'll be charged
with drinking and driving.

No drama!

Is this magic or an illusion?

-What conspired that I fell for you?
-Sorry…

-it's a bit--
-Oh, don't-- I… I love it.

I mean I grew up in the US, right?

Actually…

there, you're given awards
for photographing such places.

-Go ahead, then.
-This is beyond the stars and waves

It's beyond the ways of the world

The way I connect with your vibe

I can't with anyone else

No matter the distance No matter the mood

I can't do this without you

The way I connect with your vibe

-With anyone else…
-f*ck!

No!

Sometimes,
my cousins come over on weekends.

All of them.

Right.

People are many and the houses, small.

That's how it is in Mumbai.

That's why Nariman Point.

To the sea, we're all the same.

You know this sh*t turns me on, right?

It's part of your incredible
exotic India experience.

The way I connect with your vibe

I can't with anyone else

No matter the distance No matter the mood

I can't do this without you

-The way I connect with your vibe
-Hey, get lost!

I can't with anyone else

-Until your cascading hair
-Leave!

Brings forth the night

I cannot fall asleep

The way I connect with your vibe

With anyone else…

No!

-More?
-No, I'm good. Thanks.

I'm Kkrish, by the way.

I'm Preet.

Preet.

See you around sometime?

Yeah, see you around sometime.

The way I connect with your vibe

I can't with anyone else

No matter the distance, No matter the mood

-I can't do this without you
-Kkrish Malhotra?

The way I connect with your vibe

I can't with anyone else

Let's exchange numbers.

What's your number?

6059442583.

You're Aditya!

You're Aditya?

f*ck! You're Preet, my counselor--

Oh, God!

I got your number from your sister.

I was just trying to keep
my identity a secret.

f*ck!

Okay. You know, it's okay.

No, it's not! You can't be sleeping
with your counselor!

Now, ex-counselor!

f*ck my life!