01x05 - n*zi Hunters

[bunniefuu]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Hey, Papa D. Come on in.

- Sit down. How you doing?
- What's going on?

I just wanted to have
a little, uh, chat.

- Is someone dead?
- No, no, no.

- Is my dad dead?
- No, no, no, no.

I mean, listen, one of
my favorite things

on this base, if not my favorite thing,

is that tank we stole.

[CHUCKLES] And that heist proved
to me that you have potential.

- Potential? Okay.
- Yes.

Now we're talking. I'm listening, man.

Go pull Dead Poets Society on me.

"Oh, colonel, my colonel."

I don't know what that means,
but listen to me.

You're a corporal, right?
So you're on a leadership track.

And, and you can't remember
when to salute.

That's the kind of thing,
it's a basic...

No, no, it's not now.

- No, and this is all wrong.
- Open hand?

Just put it down.
I don't even need you to

meet me halfway anymore,
'cause I know you'd get winded.

I just need you to take

a couple of baby steps
towards me, all right?

- Pfft. Yeah, or else what?
- Or else...

We both know you're not gonna
kick me out of the army.

Dude, tech geniuses don't come
to Stroopsdorf very often.

I mean, the guy I replaced
was still paying for AOL.

I will drum you out if I have to.

- For what?
- Your hair, mustache, posture,

attitude, laziness,
lack of fitness, gait.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Do you know what I'm saying?

Pfft. It's tough love.

But maybe it's time to grow up.

Hey, we're about to serve

birthday cake in the Team Center.

I'm only trying to get you...

What? W-where are you going?

You are not dismissed. I will
kick you out for good.

Oh, my God.

I'm never gonna make it
through this place.

[THEME MUSIC]

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Got a minute?
- Yeah.

Would you care to join me
on a little trip

to a local antique store
that apparently has

a sizable collection of
World w*r II memorabilia,

including a Colt single-action revolver

used by General Patton during the w*r?

- Wow.
- I know.

This is like, you know,
something that we

really bonded over
when you were a kid and...

Yeah. A love for World w*r II
is not something that we shared.

Yeah, you droning on
about it is something

- I've always had to endure.
- What?

Do you remember my ninth birthday?

I had a slumber party,
and you made us all watch

Saving Private Ryan, and
then all the girls had to

call their parents to get picked up

after Vin Diesel's head was blasted off?

Honey, you're never too young

to learn not to walk
into a sn*per's ambush.

Why are you so obsessed
with World w*r II?

The greatest w*r fought by
the greatest generation

against the greatest enemy that
we have ever crushed like a bug.

You know, when I was little, I thought

that you loved this w*r more
than you loved me.

Oh, my God. I was right.

- Are you serious?
- No! Of course not.

- Of course not?
- I have to say something

like that out loud? That's the
problem with your generation...

Yes, you literally do have to say

something like that out loud.

- My generation?
- ...is everything has to

- be said out loud.
- Your generation

is obsessed with World w*r II.

Oh, my God. You know what?
Let me explain something to you.

When I was a kid, there were
Nazis everywhere, okay?

Hiding out in basements in Cleveland.

They were selling used cars
in Wisconsin.

And I'll tell you something
else. When I was a kid,

I'd go to the Oktoberfest every year

just to see if I could see one of these

drunk German b*stards slip a Sieg Heil.

Now, they never did, but, you know,

and they did report to my parents

that I was kind of stalking them.

But I learned to be vigilant
because our enemies

are always around us, especially
here. Are you kidding me?

- Here, of all places. Yes.
- In the Netherlands?

The biggest threat to the United States

is how much better their Kit Kat is.

That's the kind of dovish
thinking that leads

to our base being wide open
to our enemies

- and a surprise attack.
- [MAGGIE] Did you know that

we run w*r games quarterly?

- You run w*r games? Okay.
- [MAGGIE] Mm-hmm.

What are you, warm up some
towels and melt some Kit Kats?

w*r games. Oh, this is interesting.

I think I'd like to run one
tomorrow at 0900.

- We'll be ready.
- Okay.

And what about the little jaunt

to the, uh, antique store?

Oh, sure. Yeah, as long as I can, uh,

take General Patton's g*n
and sh**t myself in the head.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right, listen up.

Everybody listen up. We are at w*r.

Russian forces have invaded
Eastern Europe.

Tyranny is at our doorstep.

And I say we open the door and
punch tyranny right in the neck.

[CHEERING]

I know this is just a w*r game,
but he is giving that

Danny Day-Lewis level of commitment.

Now, our mission today is to
meet at the rendezvous point

and supply three full brigades

[SIGHS] with laundry and cheese.

[SOLDIERS] Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

[SIGHS] Do you understand the mission?

[SOLDIERS] Sir, yes, sir!

Now let's go do it! Dismissed.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You're gonna like what you see
today. My troops are special.

- Oh, yeah, they're special.
- You can't say that.

What, I just said what you said.

- No, you had a tone.
- I said special.

- You said special.
- You said special

- in a special tone.
- Forget it. You have one hour.

No problem.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

The first round of MREs are
headed to the truck,

and we have plenty of cheese
for the rest.

Are you sure about that, sergeant?

An enemy just fired
a short-range ballistic m*ssile.

All of this cheese is destroyed.

No, seriously, all of it's destroyed.

- Go away.
- What are you doing?

Your w*r game scenario read
like a Black Friday rehearsal

at Walmart. Major Shah
is here to represent

the unpredictability of the enemy.

I'm your worst nightmare.
I am the agent of chaos.

Why are you dressed

- like a stagehand?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, the enemy could be anyone.

I thought the black would sell
that. I just made a choice.

I don't think he looks like a stagehand.

- I think he looks cool.
- Thank you.

Clock is ticking, captain.
Clock is ticking.

Sergeant, deploy the Comté.

- Uh, the...
- That's just fancy cheese.

Just hold her. This is why we
keep a secret stash.

Uh, I'm-I'm gonna do it,
but you don't have to use

outlandish words together
like just and fancy.

[BA] Captain, we have a problem.

- Uh... Uh...
- Hey.

Captain, we're down to like
half the machines.

They keep tripping the breakers.

The Russians have colluded
with your suppliers,

and now you've got faulty wiring.

- Agent of chaos strikes again.
- Why are you doing this?

Because no one understands the
enemy better than the Colonel.

If he says you're gonna be
attacked, you gotta be ready.

Nope. I mean, why are you a stagehand?

Okay, what is this vendetta
against stagehands?

They're the backbone of the theater.

Relax, Shakespeare.

- You're wearing a cool outfit.
- Thank you.

Corporal Papadakis, I need
more power to laundry.

[ELIAS] Yeah, working on it, Captain.

Hey, listen, while I have you,

I'd love for you to support my appeal

regarding the Colonel's
kicking me out of the Army.

I like it here. They gave
me a free footlocker

in the Bayou Churchill.

Not the time, corporal.

[ELIAS] I shouldn't be
punished for my love

of birthday cake
because well, it's just that

cake and I are an amazing team.

We're, uh, together like
peanut butter and jelly,

like college students
and Adderall, okay?

- Appeal denied, soldier.
- Don't...

Corporal, what about the power?

I can get you the juice,
but I'd have to shut down

the bowling alley and let's just say

the locals are having a tournament.

Betray your beloved townies? No way

- Do it.
- May God have mercy on us all.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Back on schedule.

Impressive.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

- Only I get to be that c*ck.
- Let's go, move, move!

Oh, um, just one more load of laundry

with, uh, time to spare.
Would you look at that?

Well, how is BA gonna handle
it without his jeep, you know?

The enemy had to watch an hour-long

YouTube tutorial to figure this one out.

Twenty. Mississippi, -Private BA?

- Nineteen...
- Anyone got eyes on BA?

- I'm really going slow.
- Stop!

- Mississippi, seventeen.
- Come on, BA.

- [BA] Watch out, watch out!
- Here he comes!

Watch out! Out of the way!

[SLOW MOTION SPEECH]

[GROANS]

[CHEERING]

Yes, yes!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

- Yes! Yes!
- Way to go, BA!

- Thank you.
- Oh, colonel.

You have to remind me.
How do you like your crow?

Barbecue, right? I told
you we're always prepared,

and we can handle you, and, I mean...

Hey, what the hell is that?

That appears to be a drone, sir.

Yeah, we have an unidentified
bogey in our airspace.

Oh, Colonel, no, no, no.
That's just Geert.

- What's Geert?
- Geert.

[MAGGIE] He's a little Dutch boy
who lives in the next town.

He's quite the drone pilot. Hi, Geert.

- Hi, cutie.
- What, don't wave at him.

You're letting this kid fly a drone in?

Yeah, he's like the base's pen pal.

- The pen pal? The base pen pal?
- Yeah.

Yeah. And there we go.

Oh, he wants to know
how the w*r game went.

Oh, that's what the enemy
would wanna know.

That's what the enemy would wanna know.

- Ugh!
- No, no, Geert.

Aha. Chinese lettering.
What does that say?

Sir, that says made in China.

If that makes this an enemy drone,

then I have a 65-inch flat screen

you'll wanna interrogate.

Okay, are we done fear-mongering?

I'm not fear-mongering.
Have you met this kid?

Yeah, we FaceTimed him once.

Yeah, and what did he look like?

He...

- He was too shy to be on camera.
- Oh?

But that made sense at the time.

I'm sure it made sense at the time.

If you're a toothless woman
from the Midwest

trying to catfish somebody
or, of course, a kid spy.

No, you always do this.
You always need an enemy.

It's like when you thought my babysitter

was poisoning my mind with propaganda.

O-okay, that stupid giving tree
with the free handouts

that boy needed to get a real
job and buy his own wood.

Colonel, Papadakis was
able to extract data

from the drone's GPS.
We have Geert's location.

No, no, no.

No, you're not going into
a child's house

and accusing him of espionage.

- You're right. I'm not.
- Thank you.

- We are. Yeah, we are going.
- What?

That sounds like a great

father-daughter bonding experience.

- Let me know how that goes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- No, we're all going.
- What did you say?

- I can't hear you.
- We're all going.

I can't hear you. Who is we?

[MAGGIE] Geert is not a t*rror1st.

He's a sweet 12-year-old boy.

Where does this paranoia even come from?

Okay, how about one cursory
glance at history, huh?

Beautiful countryside.
You'd think nothing bad

ever happened here, right?
You'd be wrong.

September 1944.

It's like we're on one of
their family road trips.

- Right.
- I'm just kidding.

He wasn't around long enough
for them to go anywhere.

I'm sorry you got dragged into this.

Oh, it's okay. I'm sure
I'll get something out of it.

Yeah, absolutely. You can learn a lot.

I mean, no one anticipates
a surprise attack

or can sniff out a mole
like the colonel.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, that's not what I meant.

The man cost me my Comté.

I will be leaving with something.

Okay. Operation Market Garden.

The Battle of the Scheldt.

Right up the road here,
the Battle of Otterlo.

I mean, this whole area, all the roads,

meadows, fields,
just smothered by Nazis.

Are you being wistful right now?

You sound like you were longing
for an old friend.

I just would love to have been there

just so I could, you know,

just punch one n*zi
right in his n*zi face.

Okay, dad, stop. You're,
you're making me a statistic.

Just another daughter
who has lost her father

to World w*r II addiction.

It's like fentanyl for boomers.

[ELIAS] The colonel is finally
serious about kicking me out.

I guess we should just put up our stuff.

I'm gonna need to take that
Fast 8 poster.

All the computers, the TV,
the beanbag couch.

Okay, I guess I called dibs
on the mini fridge then.

Now, wait, man, I can't let you do that.

We brought that baby
into this world together

with those Dave & Buster tickets.

- I know, I know.
- I just wish there was something

we could do to change
the colonel's mind.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. I've got it.

What does the colonel hate
more than anything

- in the entire world?
- Pacifists.

- And after that?
- Billie Eilish?

Okay, third then?

The possum's squatting in the air tower.

Dude, we just gotta figure out
a way to kick him out!

I know!

I'm scared of possums.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[PANTING]

- Ah! Ah!
- [BA] Oh, God.

Everything hurts. [GROANS]

Dude, that just felt
unbelievably coordinated.

Yes, I think they, I think
they speak same language.

Felt like they were
toying with us at the end.

[DOOR OPENS]

[LAUGHING]

So you are Geert?

I am Geert chess teacher.

Geert, you have adult visitors.

- I'll leave you now.
- Yeah.

- Hm?
- A Russian chess teacher?

Maggie, Dana.

- Hi!
- My American friends.

[MAGGIE] I told you he was a boy.

Hey, Geert, where are your parents?

- The dentist.
- [SCOFFS]

Parents are at a joint
dental appointment

in a country with socialized medicine?

Yeah, likely story, pal.

[ABRAHAM] Um, hey, you know, I've always

trusted your instincts, right?

Yeah, I know.
That's 'cause I'm always right.

I predicted your divorce
at your wedding.

That was a really heartfelt speech, sir.

I just think that's a child, right?

And I was with you this whole time,

but once again, that is a child.

- Maybe we should leave.
- Yeah, you're right.

Let me tell you something,
Benjamin Button.

You have everybody else
fooled, but not me.

I know you're up to something.

You got five seconds to come clean.

- Dad! Dad, stop!
- One, Mississippi.

- Two, U.S. Army.
- Geert, please don't cry!

No, Margaret. He is right.

I've been secretly collecting documents.

I shall give them to you now.

Documents! He's got it.

- What?
- Collecting documents.

I was right. Thank you.

[DANA] That's just his mom's
glossy fashion magazine.

Zendaya makes me feel things in my body.

[DANA] Is that why it's so glossy?

[GEERT'S MOM] Geert, what's going on?

- Parents are here.
- Ah, we're here.

So, yeah, it's official.
Your son's into Zendaya, um...

Zendaya, so it means he's
probably into girls, so...

- Who are you?
- We're the U.S. Navy.

- Yeah, that's right.
- We're everywhere, okay?

Sorry. Gotta get back to the boat!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

You were right. Fine.

Geert hasn't been turned
by the enemy... yet.

- Oh, my God.
- Sir. This might be the fact

that I just witnessed
a tearful confession

of a preteen's masturbation habits,

but maybe it's time to admit that

here in the Netherlands, we're
not surrounded by enemies.

Okay, well, you're just
lucky you weren't here

in the early 1930s,
when apparently a harmless,

failed Austrian painter...

- Don't say it.
- Please don't.

[PATRICK] ...everybody came to call...

No, no, no! Okay, you know what?
You want World w*r II?

I will give you World w*r II. Let's go.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Wow, what a nice surprise.

You've got some incredible pieces here.

Here it is. This is what
you wanted to see, right?

Patton's g*n?

[PATRICK] Wow, look at that.

He said his .357 was his k*lling g*n,

but this was his walking-around g*n.

Thank you for bringing me here.
I mean, this is a great way

to admit that you were wrong.
It's very honorable.

No, see, I brought you here
to show you what's gonna happen

if you don't stop living in the past.

If you refuse to evolve,

you're just gonna
become an old, dusty relic

that nobody wants anything to do with.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Okay.

- Was that too mean?
- Hmm.

- Do you have a bathroom?
- Mm-hmm-mm.

[HUMMING] Bathroom, bathroom,
where are you? But...

[KEYCHAIN JANGLING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Holy n*zi!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God. He is a n*zi.

I still gotta pee.

Colonel, colonel.
You're gonna wanna hear this.

All right, listen,
I know you were right.

I am a dusty old relic
that belongs on a shelf.

I don't get it. I just, I guess I need,

like, an enemy for moral clarity
or something, you know?

That is real growth, and I want
you to remember that, okay?

And-and remember that you were wrong

about Geert and the drone,
and so, so, so, so much more.

- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Usually so wrong

about all things. Um, but
there's a n*zi in there.

I knew it! There's a n*zi.

Yeah, I should have
recognized that mole.

It's Cindy Crawford meets
the master race.

It's Helmut von Furstenberg,

the Butcher of Baden,
and I'm about to get him.

Okay, Colonel,
your instincts were right.

There was an enemy near-ish.

- I'm sorry I doubted you, sir.
- Okay, he didn't know.

Well, maybe we should circle back

and check on Geert after this.

- Good idea.
- Wrong lesson.

- Makes no sense.
- I don't know.

- He did find the n*zi.
- I-I found him.

- But why would he be here?
- The Battle of Otterlo.

An Allied victory so resounding
that Nazis who were fleeing

stripped off their uniforms
and melted into the countryside

to live their cowardly lives
in anonymity.

- Like this guy.
- Wow.

Okay, just 'cause I was bored
out of my mind

doesn't mean I wasn't listening.

- You know?
- I can't believe this, guys.

I'm gonna fight the final battle
of World w*r II.

Oh, my God, and I get to punch a n*zi.

Probably the final n*zi.

I'm gonna be in the history books.

- Wow.
- Are you getting emotional?

This is a big deal for him.

All right, he's got
a real Indiana Jones fantasy

and everything in there
belongs in a museum.

[SIGHS] So this is poetic.

Okay, how do I look?

Like you're missing something.

Oh, dude, now we're never
gonna get to show the colonel

that you deserve to stay in the Army.

I want you to have the mini fridge.

- Oh, really?
- [PHONE NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES] Why don't we both
keep the mini fridge?

Hey. You know what they say,
if you're gonna fight a n*zi,

you gotta do it in
a World w*r II inspired uniform.

You guys look like you've fought a n*zi.

- What happened?
- Oh, my gosh.

We were fighting over
who could carry the uniform.

- And you won. Wow.
- Yes.

You guys are even more
resourceful than I thought.

I totally underestimated you.

Nice job. Now, I gotta go.

- I gotta go fight a n*zi.
- Fun.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Where is that n*zi b*stard?
- My body feels amazing.

- I know. Pure electricity?
- Tingling with...

'Cause you're about to go
toe-to-toe with evil?

- Exactly.
- Yeah, that's how I feel

every day. Helmut von Furstenberg,

show your face.

[ELIAS] Oh, right! WW2 was like
a thousand years ago.

[PATRICK LAUGHS] Ah-ha!

[KEYS JINGLING]

I peed on your n*zi stuff.

- Oh!
- You did what?

- What?
- Did you wipe?

- What?!
- He's a literal n*zi. Judge him.

I think I've never been
prouder of you than right now.

- Okay, let's focus.
- Okay. You know what?

World's been waiting


[GROANING]

[THUDS]

- Hm.
- Sorry, what's happening?

He's having a heart attack.

- Right.
- We should save him.

Do we save him? I mean, he was a n*zi.

If anything, we do Maggie's pee thing.

- That is not my thing.
- Yeah. it is.

Why don't you just say now?
It's definitely your thing.

Listen, Maggie's right.

He's our enemy until he's wounded.

Now he's wounded,
we gotta save his life.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- [BONES CRUNCHING]
- Oh.

What do you want me to do? He's old.

- He's got Cheetos for ribs.
- Yeah...

Oh, I think you should stop, colonel.

- Yeah, no, I think you're right.
- You're making him more dead.

He... My hands are wet.

Can you see if there's any n*zi
paper towels or handkerchiefs?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[AMBULANCE SIREN]

Sorry you didn't get to,
uh, punch a n*zi.

Well, I got to cave his chest
in, which is pretty cool.

- [SHUDDERS] Nah.
- Oh, I love that.

Thank you. A r*cist dead man
gave it to me.

- Oh!
- Uh, I don't think we should be

stealing items from crime...

Ooh-hoo-hoo. God, I love you.
That's fantastic.

I am still waiting for you
to say that to my face.

- Okay. Me, me, me.
- You know that, right?

I told you I was leaving with something.

- You did say that.
- Am I...

- Okay.
- Wow.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

- Colonel. You wanted to see me?
- Hey!

Look at you. Well, well, well.

- You combed your hair.
- Yes, I did.

And you got your jacket ironed
and it zipped up.

You took a couple steps in my direction.

- I finally get it, Big C.
- You do?

All these things
you've been teaching me.

- Good.
- Stealing tanks...

Punching old Germans, prostitution.

Never dating 'em. I don't know
what your deal is.

And that's what it means
to be a soldier, right?

- Shh!
- Right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- That's...
- Old school.

It's old school, but it's not...

You can't tell anybody about that.

Besides the people that already know

that are involved with us.

- We can't.
- Yeah, I know.

So you can't tell family
members, friends.

Nobody can know about this.

Not gonna tell anyone.

Okay.

- Very good, soldier.
- Yup.

The hair's still not in
regulation yet, but it's good.

- I'm glad you...
- Yeah.

Uh, I do need to get my mom

to take down a podcast, bye.

W-wait, what? Your mom has a podcast?