01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[ Upbeat jazz music playing ]

♪♪♪

-Looking back, you'd think I should have been happier.

Everybody loved the 's.

I had the beautiful home,

the maid to run the beautiful home,

the beautiful car

and a beautiful job.

I made movies and everybody loved me.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

I even got to choose my name...

Cary Grant.

Now, isn't that a beautiful thing?

So you might be asking what I often ask myself

as I look at my dumb face in the mirror,

"Why wasn't I deliriously happy?"

Well, it's a long story.

Here we go.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cary Grant!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

-Hello! Thank -- Thank you.

You haven't even heard anything yet, I might be terrible!

[ Laughter ]

-We love you, Cary!

-I love you, too. I love you, too.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good evening. Good evening. Shh, shh.

You're gonna ask me some questions,

a whole bunch of questions, anything you like.

Nothing's off limits.

Of course, if I don't like it, I won't answer the question.

Hands up. Madam?

-Cary, I've just got to know, if you and I were married,

what would you want me to make you for your dinner?

-Well, from the way you asked your question,

I have a suspicion that we might end up skipping dinner.

Sir?

-How do you stay in such great shape now you're getting older?

-Well, I eat everything that's put in front of me

and I don't do any exercise at all

apart from the greatest exercise in the world,

which is...making love.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry. Making bread, I meant!

-How do you create a character?

How do you become someone else?

-That's a very good question.

A lot of people think I don't.

They think I just played myself.

Well, I can't play Bing Crosby, I'm Cary Grant.

But I'll confess something to you.

He is a character.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Cary Grant -- I made him up.

I made up the perfect man...

...in order to survive.

♪♪♪

[ Children shouting ]

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-Mum! Mum! Mum!

-Hey, hey, calm down. What's the matter?

-John's hurt himself.

-Oh, my goodness! Sit down.

Oh, it's all right, my love.

I'll make it better. How did it happen?

-I fell over and there was some glass.

-You told me you'd be careful

if I let you play with the other boys!

What have the pair of you been up to?

Honestly, if you can't be trusted...

There is no meat for tomorrow.

I don't know how you can just sit there

when you can't put enough food on the table.

I'm having to make the boys' clothes.

I've asked you to see about a promotion, but, no,

you're too content with your lot.

Well, I'm not.

I'm not content at all.

-You're like a yapping dog, you are.

A yapping bloody dog! Yap, yap, yap!

-Doesn't it bother you that we are living in penury,

one step away from beggars?

What are you doing out of bed?

John?

-It -- it really hurts.

-Don't worry, I'll make it better.

Archie, bed!

Come here then. Let's get you into bed.

I've tried that. I've tried everything.

He's been sick all night.

-Just let him rest. The sleep will do him good.

♪♪♪

-We should take him to the doctor, it's infected.

-The doctor can't do any more for him

than you already have, hmm?

-Look at his ratty trousers!

-You hate these, don't you?

-All the other boys have shop-bought trousers.

-Hmm.

A gentleman should try to look well-dressed

whatever his circumstances.

Now, you leave it with me, alright?

[ Hoofbeats ]

-Is John going to be okay?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Children shouting ]

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[ Laughter ]

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-Your brother is asleep resting, so don't you disturb him.

What's on the floor?

We don't waste food in this house, do we?

Pick it up and eat it.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Eat on the floor, please.

♪♪♪

You've got a lot to learn, boy.

If you can't eat properly at the table,

you don't deserve to be at the table.

Please, Elias, please, I'm worried about him.

He's feverish.

Oh, God, I should never have let him out of my sight.

-You can't wrap him in your skirts.

You've got to let boys be boys.

-I've told you, he needs to see a doctor!

-Hey.

He's just cut his bloody hand, alright?

You're overwrought, woman.

-[Crying] You!

I blame you for this!

Oh, God, how will I bear it?

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-I remember all I really wanted to do was...

[ Children shouting ]

...was feel love.

[ Clears throat, chuckles ]

Would you mind terribly if we ended the first half there?

I'm feeling a little odd.

I'm not sure I've drunk enough water today.

[ Sniffles ]

Thank you very much.

[ Applause ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

-Aren't you having any?

-You eat.

Go on, I'm not hungry.

No!!

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

I don't see you for days!

I don't know why you bother to come home at all!

-I don't know why either when this is the reception I get!

-Were you expecting open arms?

When you abandon us in favour of that wh*re you've taken up with!

-I told you... -No!

-...you're deluded, woman.

I've been in digs.

That's the last time!

♪♪♪

-We're hungry, Elias. Don't you understand?

Because of you, we haven't got enough food to eat!

I should have listened to my mother and never married you,

but I won't allow you to shame me.

Understand that!

♪♪♪

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[ Crying ]

No, I don't want to go.

-Mm-hmm.

Well, I think it would help you.

They might be able to give you some medicine for your nerves.

-It's only you that frays them.

-Since John...

you've not been right.

-I'm not mad, Elias.

I've lost my child!

-Well, you've got to think about Archie.

Alright? -[ Sniffles ]

-You're not being fair on the boy.

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-You're all I've got left.

I'll never let you go, Archie.

♪♪♪

-Mr. Leach, the doctor will see you now.

-Hey, come on now.

Keep your pecker up, my love.

It's for the best, you know it is.

-Stay with me.

-I'll be right back in one moment.

I promise.

I'll be back.

-Hold still.

-I've decided I'd like to go home.

My son will be back from school soon.

I can come again another day. -You can't go home.

-What do you mean? Why not?

-You're to stay here till you're better.

-On whose authority?

-Your husband is having you committed.

-Committed?

But I just came here to get some medicine.

What's that for? -It'll calm you down.

-No, please! I want to go home!

-Orderly! -No! Elias!

-Orderly! Orderly!

-No! Get off me, please! I want to go home!

No! I want to go home! Elias!

Please! -Orderly!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-Hello.

Why did Mother not come to meet me?

-Pack up your things.

There.

-I don't want to leave home!

What if Mother gets back and I'm not there?

-Stop your whining. You haven't even seen inside.

You might like it.

Right, Mabel. This is Archie.

-We've no room! -I pay the bloody rent, don't I?

-I don't want him here! -Right, don't I?

-Can't you see I've got enough on my plate as it is?

-He'll fit in, it's just one more mouth.

-I don't like the way he stares at me with them big eyes.

Like Creeping Jesus.

He'll have to go!

-You wait there.

Come on!

We're going to Grandma's and I won't hear any more about it.

Come on, Ma.

He'll feed and wash himself, all he needs is a bed.

-But he's your responsibility, not mine.

I don't want him here disturbing me.

-I'll give you two shillings a week.

-And that's all it cost my father to be free of me.

Week after week, I'd come home from school

hoping my mother would be there and we'd be together again,

but she never was.

-Archie! Where you been?

-He don't live here no more.

[ Door slams ]

-You tell him, I ain't.

[ Door opens ]

-Here, I got you some chips.

Come on, I'll take you out back.

Couple of things to talk to you about, boy.

First off, I need you to be a good lad for your grandmother

cos I'm not gonna be able to see you much more for a while.

-Why not?

-Because I've got to look after Mabel now.

And the baby.

So, I'm counting on you to be a good boy.

-Dad, when am I gonna see Mother again?

-Right, well, yeah, that's the other thing

I need to talk to you about.

[ Sniffles ]

You listen to me now, I've got something to tell you.

I got word this morning...

I'm very sorry to have to say this,

but your ma's passed away.

-Passed away?

-She died, Archie lad.

So you won't be seeing her again.

♪♪♪

Now, you be a good boy for your grandmother like I told you.

Right, I'd best be heading back.

Don't be coming round Mabel's looking for me now.

Bye, Archie.

♪♪♪

Try and think of it like your ma's in a better place.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-And so I was alone, which is exactly how I found myself

in the summer of

in my beautiful Benedict Canyon home

with the ink drying on my third divorce

and Sophia Loren refusing to answer my many, many calls.

-I don't want to go, Jack!

Pool parties aren't my thing.

-What is wrong with you?

Why are you pretending you don't want to be my girl?

You know you're crazy about me.

-I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested.

Careful!

Contrary to appearances, I'm no pushover.

I can fight and I can bite.

♪♪♪

-And then there she was.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Stanley. -Cary, how are you?

-I'm fine. -Not calling Sophia, I hope?

-No, I've not been calling her. I told you I wouldn't.

-She's married. -I promise.

-It's bad news. -Listen, Stanley.

I need you to set up a meeting for me with someone.

What did she say, exactly? The girl?

-What? Oh, er, yeah.

No, she says, er, no, she doesn't want to meet you.

-What do you mean? What?

I thought Hitch could use her in the movie.

There's a part she's perfect for in "North by Northwest."

-So, Sophia Loren? You don't mind me asking?

-Oh, it's -- it's done. She's gone back to Rome.

-Great. -I do mind you asking.

You can trust me sometimes.

What did she say, exactly? The girl?

-She said she was working abroad somewhere.

You know, Europe. Erm, does it matter?

-Yes, so she didn't say she didn't want to meet me,

she said she couldn't meet me. There's a big difference.

-If you say so, Cary.

-Can you give me her name? What's her name?

-Her name is Dyan Cannon.

And she's, er, she's too young for you.

You know, why can't you just stay home?

Find some, you know, easy-going girl.

You know, all she wants to do is just date some mature

but still beautifully preserved movie star.

-Alright, come on, the movie. The spy movie.

I read it, I liked it.

What's it called?

-James Bond.

-That's the character. What's the movie called?

-Oh. Er, "Dr. No."

The title is "Dr. No."

The money's good.

-Yeah, well, they'll be a lot of exotic travel

and big action sequences.

I'll be waiting a long time before the studio recoups,

and I get any of my profit share.

-We can talk to them about that.

And they want a -picture deal.

-I'm sorry, what?

They want me to play the same character four times?

[ Laughs ] No.

You can tell them thank you, but no way.

"Dr. No" way. -Okay.

-And you can tell Dyan Cannon I'll wait for her to get back.

-Okay.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-Thank you.

♪♪♪

-Nice to meet you, Miss Cannon.

I'm Cary Grant.

-Can-- Er, Cannon.

I'm Dyan Cannon.

-Well, we agree on that at least.

Come inside.

Were they alright at the front gate?

-Yeah, fine. Everything was fine.

I was in Rome and I was finishing a picture

and I thought that all of this had gone away

and then I was really surprised when I got the call.

-Well, it's been quite a struggle getting to meet you,

but I have to say, it's worth it.

You're even more attractive in person.

-So are you.

-Ha!

Oh, gosh!

It's a breath of fresh air having you here.

I saw you in an episode of "Malibu Run"

and I thought you seemed unobtainable.

-I-I have other credits.

Er, I've done "Have g*n -- Will Travel,"

"Zane Grey Theatre," "Highway Patrol."

-Tell me something about yourself.

-What do you want to know?

-Something about you, not your career.

-Erm, erm...

my mother is Jewish and my father is Christian.

-Oh! Okay.

-Daddy used to drive us to synagogue

every Saturday singing "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know."

And then I'd go inside and sing it for the rabbi,

which caused quite...

-♪ Hey, hey baby ♪

♪ I want to know if you'll be my girl ♪

[ Indistinct conversation ]

♪ Hey, hey baby ♪

♪ I want to know if you'll be my girl ♪

-Mmm. So, it's been an absolute pleasure, Dyan.

-Oh, my goodness!

It's been four hours?

I've been here four hours. I have to go!

-I hope I get to see you again.

-Oh! Er, what about the movie?

My agent said you wanted to see me

about a movie you were producing?

-Well, yes, but that was six months ago.

It's been cast and I'm afraid we're about to start sh**ting.

-Oh.

So why did you still want to see me?

-Well, because you're a very difficult woman to pin down,

and I thought I'd grab a meeting while I could.

-To what end?

-I was intrigued.

Not a lot of people keep me waiting this long.

-Well, I'm sure it does you good every now and then

to not always get your way.

-She fights and she bites.

-Excuse me?

-Nothing.

Well, goodbye, Dyan Cannon.

-Goodbye, Cary Grant.

-He's just through here.

Dr. Hansen.

-Ah, Jim!

-Cary.

-Hi. -How are you feeling?

-Fine! You look flustered.

Do you want some coffee?

-Er, no thanks.

I want to discuss what happened at the show.

-Ah, come on then.

Spit it out.

It's that bad, is it?

-[ Sighs ] Well, we ran all the tests,

and I've been talking with the neurological expert

this morning. -What?

-And he's in agreement. -About what?

-You've had a mild stroke, Cary.

-I just had a bit of a headache,

felt nauseous.

-Which are the classic symptoms of a stroke.

Luckily, it was a mild one.

There appears to be no lasting damage,

but we must take this as a warning.

-Must we? -You're not young anymore.

You need to slow down.

All these personal appearances you do?

-Go gently into that good night?

-We've known each other for many years.

If you don't slow down and you have another stroke,

it could be fatal.

[ Knock on door ]

-Yes? [ Door opens ]

-Five minutes, Mr. Grant. -Okay.

-Are you alright? -Yeah. The show must go on.

I don't do autographs, they're terrible things.

I shake hands if I have to, I say hello...

Against doctor's orders, I resumed my tour.

"Why?," I hear you ask.

I will not be answering that question!

Well, because I still had things I wanted to say...

[ Applause ]

...and lots more terrible questions to answer.

Spinach. I detest it!

And the applause?

Maybe I got used to your applause.

Which brings me to dear old Bob Pender.

-Beware the fuzzle of the giants!

Observe the behemoths!

Witness their feet on the ground!

Their heads in the clouds!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

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♪♪♪

-Oh, be careful with it, lad!

It's already got a crack in it!

-Sir.

Mr. Pender?

Mr. Pender?

-Yeah, what can I do for you, son?

-I really loved watching your show, sir.

-Oh, that's lovely.

-I just wondered...I work here selling programmes,

but how would I go about having a try-out for you, sir?

I'm very supple.

I play in goal for the school football team

and I dive about everywhere.

-Oh, hello!

-Yeah, I can do that better.

-Yeah, well, that needs some work,

but, er, don't worry for now.

How old are you?

-, sir.

-Well, if you want to come and audition,

you need a signed letter from your dad giving you permission.

Alright? And if you do okay,

well, we tour the whole country, you see.

There's even talk of going to New York.

You can write to me at this address.

What's your name?

-Leach, sir. Archie Leach.

-Archie Leach!

See you later, Archie.

I can already see your name in lights!

Archie Leach!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

-What are you doing?

-Just finishing off my homework.

-Don't you be staying up all night using my oil.

-"To Mr. Bob Pender, I'm writing to you about my son,

Archie Leach, who is a strong boy and is in good health."

-Don't -- Don't look down, Archie!

The secret is to lift your head up.

If you look down, you'll only see how far you have to fall.

-"And I should be very happy indeed for my son to tour

with your troupe.

He is as good a boy as what you could wish to have,

very dedicated and won't eat too much.

Your faithful servant, Elias J. Leach."

-Are you surprised to see me, lad?

[ Chuckles ]

-I know you faked the letter.

You can't go to America without his approval.

I could get arrested, I could get closed down.

Come on.

-He's too young, Mr. Pender.

I mean, he's still just a boy.

-What do you care?

I haven't seen you in years.

-I'll care enough to give you a thick ear, lad,

if I have any more of that chat.

How old does he have to be, Mr. Pender?

-Without your permission, .

-Right, well, that settles it then.

-I'll just wait.

If I have to wait a year, I'll wait.

And then I'll be off and there's nothing you can do

to stop me you old b*stard!

-You watch your mouth, you -- -Mr. Leach!

Mr. Leach, let's try and be reasonable, shall we?!

Look, before you know it, young Archie here,

he'll have left school and you'll be having to try

and find him some work.

So why not let him join my troupe

and avoid that burden, eh?

Let him try, with my guidance, a career on the stage.

And in the circumstances, I can, of course, offer you

a small payment for your agreement in this matter,

by way of a signature fee?

-You're not my responsibility now.

My loyalties lie elsewhere.

Our paths won't cross no more, my lad.

-Well, that's settled then.

If you'd like to come with me, Mr. Leach.

♪♪♪

[ Crocodiles' "Jet Boy Jet Girl" playing ]

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♪♪♪

-♪ Can you tell what's on my mind ♪

♪ She's with him it drives me wild ♪

♪ I'd like to hit him on the head until he's dead ♪

♪ The sight of blood is such a high ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ He gives me head ♪

♪ We made it on a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ I took his arm and kissed his lips ♪

♪ He looked at me with such a smile, my face turned red ♪

♪ We booked a room into the Ritz ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ He gives me head ♪

-Behold God's ugly giants!

Observe the behemoths!

Their feet on the ground!

Their heads in the clouds!

-♪ I'm gonna make you be a girl ♪

♪ Ooh h* h* h* ♪

♪ Jet boy jet girl ♪

♪ I know I'm only just fifteen ♪

♪ I like to kick, I like to scream ♪

-Defying gravity!

-♪ And even if I have a kick or two in bed ♪

♪ When I'm with him it's just a dream ♪

♪ Ooh h* h* h* ♪

♪ He gives me head ♪

♪ Jet boy, I'm gonna make 'em penetrate ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you be a girl ♪

♪ Ooh, h* h* h* h* ♪

♪ Jet boy jet girl ♪

-Thank you!

-♪ Jet boy jet girl ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Remember this, Archie.

It's the best feeling in the world, lad.

That's love out there they're giving you.

-Wisconsin?

Where's that?

-Wisconsin.

It's nowhere.

That's why I came here, to make my fortune.

For now, I just work at a department store.

Just stand there all day watching people

who do have money, spend it on the things they don't need.

-Do you have a fella?

-A what?

-A boyfriend?

Cos I think you're a smasher.

-You're nuts.

-Wait here.

This is for you, my lady.

-Thank you, sir.

-Here, listen to this and tell me what you think.

I've been practising since I got here.

Whatever I have tried to do in life,

I have tried with all my heart to do it well;

whatever I have devoted myself to,

I have devoted myself completely;

in great aims and in small

I have always thoroughly been in earnest.

-Shut your g*dd*mn mouth! Do you know what time it is?

-It's from Charles Dickens.

What do you think?

-Well, I guess you don't sound so weird,

but you don't sound like you're from any place I know.

-[ Moaning ] -Shh.

-[ Breathing heavily ]

-Pull it out!

-What? -You heard, take it out.

You ain't finishing off in me.

You know how babies are made, don't you?

Well, I ain't taking any risks.

-So are we --

You know, are you my girl now?

-I ain't anybody's.

-But what if I was in love with you?

-Oh, boy, you've got a lot to learn.

Kid, I've got to keep myself available.

-Available? For who?

-For the rich guy who's gonna come and marry me

and take me away.

How else is a girl like me gonna make her fortune?

Take care, Archie Leach.

-I'm gonna be rich.

You'll see.

Bloody hell, she was gorgeous!

-Action!

Smoke!

g*ns firing!

Look up!

And cut!

[ Bell rings ]

-Get enough?

♪♪♪

[ Airplane engine revs ]

-And cut!

Print that one please.

-Hitch, I have no idea what the bloody hell's going on!

Who the bloody hell is trying to k*ll me?

-That's exactly how I want it to be, dear boy.

I don't want you to know what it's all about

until your character does.

-Well, if you want confusion, believe me,

you've got confusion.

-Speaking of which, your soon-to-be-ex-wife rang

the house last night, had a long chat with Alma.

-I'm sorry.

It's this divorce, it's proving

to be more complicated than I thought.

Listen, I have a new girl I really like

and I think she might like me, I don't know.

She's playing very hard to get.

But -- -Don't tell me anymore.

I don't want to be ahead of the plot.

-[ Coughing ]

Are you trying to k*ll me in there?

Can I get some water, please? And an iron lung!

-Quickly! Quickly!

-You're a difficult woman to get ahold of.

-Cary Grant, how are you?

-I'm hopeful.

-Hopeful? Of what?

-That you might come and have something to eat with me

at my house tomorrow afternoon.

-A friendly dinner?

That sounds like fun.

-Finally, I get to see you again!

Thank you so much for coming.

Just all the prying eyes and everything.

Shall we? -Sure.

-So, what did it in the end?

Was it my charm, my persistence?

-Food mostly.

-Ah. -I'm really hungry.

-We have food.

♪ Night and day under the hide of me ♪

♪ There's an, oh, such a hungry yearning ♪

♪ Burning inside of me ♪

-♪ And this torment won't be through ♪

♪ Until you let me spend my life making love to you ♪

♪ Day and night ♪

-Big finish.

-♪ Night and day ♪

-Bravo! Get him off!

I didn't know you could sing.

-I love that song.

It's my mom's favourite. -Ouch!

Of course, your mum's favourite.

I played Cole Porter in a movie, you know,

about a million years ago.

-You were fantastic!

-Cary Grant soars to new heights of mediocrity.

I think that was the best review I got.

But I don't care one jot, I love to sing.

♪ There was a young lady called Coleshill ♪

♪ Who unfortunately sat on a moleshill ♪

♪ The nose of the mole went right up her hole ♪

-[ Laughs ]

-♪ And now Miss Coleshill is fine, but the mole's ill ♪

-[ Laughing ]

-Mr. Grant, dinner's ready.

-Ah, saved by the bell!

Come on.

Come through, come through.

-Oh, my God.

-Here we are.

Now, this is my side.

And by process of elimination, that's yours.

Come on.

-Cary, I told you this was just a friendly dinner.

Is this where you normally eat?

-Mostly.

Come in, I won't bite.

Shoes off.

That's better. Comfy?

-Yeah.

-Here we are!

Thank you.

I hope you don't mind if I don't stand on ceremony.

I can't bear the formality of the dinner table.

All that starchy-cloth nonsense.

-No, that's fine. I just...

-Tuck in. You did say you were hungry.

I'm always hungry!

How on earth are you still single?

-Because I haven't met my soulmate yet.

-Oh, that's what you want, is it?

-Who doesn't?

I want a husband and children.

I want what my parents have.

-Well...

You seem so certain.

I was that way once.

-What happened?

-Er, two divorces, third imminent.

I realised a long time ago it wasn't for me.

I'm not good at being married.

-That sounds to me like a cop-out.

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, you're very good at being an actor because you work at it.

Maybe you need to work a little less on your tan

and a little more on your marriages?

-Ouch!

Touché!

-Can I ask you a personal question?

-Do I have a choice?

-Why did you never have any children?

-I can't have children.

-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked.

-No, I don't mean physically.

I mean, I don't want them.

I don't want to be married,

I don't want to be tied down ever again.

I want to be free to be where I want,

doing what I want and with who I want.

Here, having dinner with you.

-Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for welcoming us

to your wonderful country.

Sadly, tomorrow our stay comes to an end

and we return to England.

So, all that's left for us to say

is thank you, goodbye and good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hey, cheer up, kid.

It'll turn out alright.

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[ Door opens ]

-I ain't going home tomorrow.

-What do you mean?

-I mean, I'm staying.

I ain't got nothing worth going home for.

I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna be a star.

I'm gonna be a star!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪

-Your rent's paid up for the rest of the month.

If you do change your mind...

...there's money in there for a return fare.

Good luck, laddie.

Come along!

If you take too long, the boat will sail without us!

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