03x04 - The Coo Chi Coup

[bunniefuu]

-[boy grunts]
-[phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

-[giggling]
-[lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

-♪ Who's in charge? ♪
-♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

Templeton, I, uh...

Can you please knock next time?

Unlikely. What are you doing?

Inventing a homework assassination device.
What are you doing?

Ugh, sadly, nothing.
Playgroup's off for the weekend.

Baby misses his 80-hour workweeks.

How long did it take you to set this up?

Two, maybe two and a half hours?

You couldn't have done
homework in that time?

And betray my most cherished principles?

What kind of monster
assigns weekend homework?

Weekends aren't for thinking.

I need stimulation. Let me take a crack.

"James has 20 apples and four friends.
How many apples does each friend get?"

Zero!

James knows that in a market economy,

giving away apples
to his freeloading buddies distorts the--

Whoa!

No thinking on weekends.

[zaps]

-[both panting]
-[Jimbo whimpers]

Uh, problems at the office?

[Staci] Everybody's sick of the new CEO,
and she's only getting worse!

Look at the stuff
I've been recording all week!

Good for the mind!
Rattle, rattle, rattle!

-[grunting]
-Good meeting! Good meeting!

-Good meeting! Good meeting! [giggles]
-[grunting]

And that's why you never bring
a hyperactive salesbaby like Rattleshake

in from the road.

What was the board thinking?
G'ah! [thuds]

Ideas-- you're gonna give me some!

Because you owe me...

[in deep voice] and because you fear me.

All right.

I was looking for some action anyway,
and we've got the whole weekend to plan.

No, we don't!

She's making us all go
on a company retreat.

Today, on a Saturday?

We have to end this now!

So it's that kind of party! Cool.

We'll need plausible deniability.

I know a baby.

You slip him a name,
he won't ask questions...

because he can't talk.

Which is funny because when he's done,
neither can they.

What? No!

I meant, like, make her leave the CEO job,
go back to sales or whatever.

Nobody does corporate sabotage
like you, Boss.

Uh, I have been itching
to flex those muscles.

-Yay! The old field team is back together!
-Okay.

-[kids straining]
-[Jimbo laughs]

[toys crashing]

-[mechanism clicks]
-[Jimbo] I miss us!

[zaps]

-Oh, hooray, it's nature.
-[insect buzzes]

What's the lay of the land, Stace?

Big crowd, outdoor venue.

-Really cuts down on the sabotage options.
-[chatter]

I'm thinking we run a Double Blowout
with a Backwards Bishop's Hat?

The water's too far. I was considering
a Saskatoon Swaddle Swap, but...

Good luck finding
a cotton candy vendor at this hour.

-Exactly.
-Doggy Door Barks at the Moon?

You know none of these trees
are coniferous!

What about a ding-a-linger
paddy whacker smack attack?

Are you just saying words?

-I thought we were all doing that.
-[rattle shaking]

[babies gasping]

Coo!

[all gasping]

Coo!

Coo! Coo! Coo!

Come on, worker babies, coo with me!

Let's go! Coo! Coo!

-Coo!
-[babies chanting] Coo...

[Rattleshake] I legit love you guys!
That's the stuff.

Yeah! Keep it going!

I've been out there on the road, babies,
getting down, the ground level,

where the rug's all sticky,
but sometimes you can find a treat in it.

[munching]

And I am here to tell you,
you wanna move baby love?

You gotta do like babies.

You gotta be like babies!

-You need-- Stop chanting!
-[babies] Coo. Coo.

Coo.

"The Coo."

Can we leave?

"What is the Coo?"
Amazing question, Peg.

You ever crawl and crawl
until you're so pooped,

you can't crawl another crawl?

Yeah...

And then what did you do?

I quit crawling.

No, man!

Because the Coo lives on the other side
of where you just quit.

It's a place you can only go in your mind
when you push yourself!

The Coo is the key to your inner babyhood!

Real babies feel the Coo naturally.

You business babies gotta work for it.

So, I made a game,

competitions that will force you
to understand the world

through a real baby's eyes.

You'll get points!
You'll move up the leaderboard!

And the winner's gonna get
what every baby dreams of.

Edible playground sand?

The Golden Rattle.

So, once somebody wins that trophy,
the corporate retreat is over?

-Yes.
-Well, sign me up, yeah.

Yeah, let's get this over with.

-A company-wide competition?
-With a first-place trophy?

She walked herself
right into the granddaddy

of corporate sabotage schemes...

[babies] The Big Manchego.

With a side order of ding-a-linger
paddy whacker smack attack!

I'm just really happy to not be doing
story problems right now.

-Tell me you packed dynamite.
-I never unpack it.

But we also need half a sandwich
cut diagonally.

I didn't know if there'd be
big-kid food here.

[sighs] Ooh, timing's gonna be tight.

Once we win
and she hands over that trophy,

we're gonna have,
what, a five-second window?

I only need three.

Oh. So, you're competing for all of us?

Well, I-- I assumed.

I figure our best shot's putting me
out there with a solid support team.

The Big Manchego only works if you win.

Are you sure you can reach this "the Coo"?

[chuckles] The Coo's not a real thing.

And I don't need it. I got this.

[grunting]

Yeah, Jimbo.
If Boss says he's got it, he's got it.

Now, technically,
I'm not supposed to be here.

-Because you got fired?
-Yes.

So I'll need a clever disguise.

Maybe we use my Tsar Nicholas
impression. [chuckles]

It's very convincing.

[clears throat]

[in Russian accent] k*ll everyone.

-[grunts]
-Hey, Peg!

Have you met Dale from Accounting?

Sure, probably, whatever. Hi, Dale.

I've barely been gone a few weeks!

It's nothing personal, Boss.

They're babies. No object permanence.

I don't buy the--
Ah, where'd the world go?

I still get a disguise, right?

I could be an old robot that farts,
but instead of... [imitates fart]

it sounds like, "Fa-ah-ah-art!"

Fine, I'm Dale from Accounting.

I look like me,
but my favorite soup is broth.

All the Pegs of the world will eat it up.

Let's just hope we can fool
the Simmonses and Hendershots, too.

Where is Hendershot?

-[elevator bell dings]
-♪ I got the whole office to myself ♪

♪ I got the whole office to myself ♪

♪ I got the paperwork
And stapler to my-- ♪

Aw, man!

Nice to meet you, Dale from Accounting.

Hmm, your friend seems
awfully tall for a baby.

Goo.

His story checks out.

Okay, first competition: Drool Pool.

-Whoever has the longest line of spit...
-With no breakies!

Wins. Got it.

Let's build a dangler.

[gargles]

Miss Rattleshake CEO Baby,
Dale's cheating!

-He's got helpers!
-Uh, it's called a pit crew.

It's not cheating.

He's accounting for everything.

Get it, Dale? [laughs]

I hate my character.

-[whistle trills]
-[gasps]

It started! Go!

[gagging]

It-It'll come. Minor case of dry mouth.

Hydration!

[coughing]

[grunting, gagging]

You're overthinking it.

Show-off.

-I can give you mine.
-Ew! Get away!

[Frankie hiccupping]

I feel it! I feel the Coo!

[giggle echoes]

♪ Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake ♪

[cooing]

T-t-t-time's up, babies!

And, ooh-la-coo-la-la,
check out the drool on Frankie!

Zooma-zooming up the leaderboard
like a choo-choo!

[Tim] There you go! [chuckles] Good job!

What in the blue blazers was that?

Maybe she reached that Coo thingy.

[Boss Baby, Staci] Not a thingy!

Looked pretty real to me, and awesome.

I know my inner baby
never had homework on weekends.

What's the next contest?

Come on! We don't wanna miss it!

[whistle trills]

Square block, square hole!

Round block, round hole!

Put blocks in!

I can't do it with everyone staring at me!

-Are you feeling sick or something?
-I'm fine!

[Simmons hiccupping]

[giggle echoes]

It's like the universe
is playing peekaboo!

[whistle trills]

[babies burping]

Come on, Boss, let her rip!

[triplets hiccupping]

[giggle echoes]

[all burping loudly]

[small burp]

[whistle trills]

[Jimbo, Boss Baby grunting]

Suck that piggy!

[straining] It's impossible!

[babies giggle]

It's easy! Watch me.

I'm a widdle tall baby! [munches]

-[hiccups]
-[giggle echoes]

♪ Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake ♪

Whoa! That was weird.

I think the Coo works differently
for big kids,

and not in a good wah-gah-goo.

[coughs]

That was... [babbling]

-The heck?
-Templeton?

I feel funny.

I gotta... [giggles]

[giggling]

-You can't leave! You're my wingman!
-[Tim babbling]

Jimbo, go after Tim!

-Get him back here!
-[grunting]

Go!

[Staci grunts]

-[Staci screams]
-There we go!

This little piggy's going wee, wee, wee,
all the way up the leaderboard!

[metal squeaks]

[Boss Baby] Oh, come on.

Uh, Boss?

I know you know it's hooey,
and I know it's hooey,

but maybe we try getting you to the Coo?

Just for the sake of winning
and Manchego-ing and dumping Rattleshake?

Let the others buy into
that phony balloon juice.

-I know who I am.
-Dale from Accounting!

Who we've never met before!

And feel no connection to whatsoever!

[whistle trills]

-[Rattleshake] Get tired! Get tired!
-[rattle shaking]

-Get tired! Get tired!
-I hate that rattle so much.

[gasps] The rattle!

I know it's loud, but try to focus.

-I've got a napping contest to win.
-You don't have to!

Forget the Manchego.

All we have to do
is steal her precious rattle

and threaten to destroy it
unless she steps down as CEO

and goes back out on the road!

You won't have to win anything!

Despacio, pantera. Sounds risky.

-How?
-It just does!

I told you, I got this.

[whimpering]

-[Tim giggling]
-[Jimbo whimpering]

[leaves rustle]

-[Tim giggles] Toy!
-[Jimbo yelps]

-You're not a baby! You're a big boy!
-[Tim giggles]

You're a big boy!

[screams]

-[groans]
-What do you need?

Come on, we're falling
further behi-- [gasps]

-[guitar tuning]
-Oh, no. She picked up an acoustic guitar!

You learn a lot out there on the road...
about yourself, about life.

And I put it all into this lullaby I wrote
one night in a boxcar,

about 20 miles east of Durango.

-[playing guitar]
-♪ Shut your sleepy face ♪

-[guitar tuning]
-Hang on, hang on. Key change.

[off-key] ♪ Shut your sleepy face ♪

[playing off-key]

Ha! I messed up.
I'm just gonna start again.

-Figure out the song already!
-Block it out, Boss!

-Try squeezing your stress toy!
-[squeaking]

-I need something stronger.
-I brought your bedtime stories!

"Systems Industry stock gapped down
to its lowest level in a year

-after the company issued disappointing--"
-[groaning]

[Rattleshake] ♪ Shut your... ♪

-G'oh! Ah!
-[growling]

I think my git-fiddle's out of tune.

We got "Coos" left and right, BB!

[giggles echoing]

[giggles]

[Boss Baby groaning]

Nothing's working!

What is that?

Uh, nothing. Bedtime.

-Shut your sleepy face.
-[grunting]

You stole her rattle?

After I specifically said not to?

It's just an insurance policy

in case you, uh, can't win or whatever.

I told you, I got this!

And I told you, the whole point of this
is to get that nightmare baby

-out of power and--
-[guitar plays]

[Rattleshake] Weird!
I was nailing this yesterday.

-♪ Shut... ♪
-[growling, screams]

I am losing my pancake-flippin' mind
with this baby!

Keep trying to win
if that's what you want,

but I am taking her down now!

[playing off-key]

[Staci] Hey, Rattleshake!

-Huh?
-You like sales so much?

Well, hit the road, baby,
or your little rattle gets pulverized!

Wha--? Oh, wh-where's my rattle?

Guys, guys, guys, where's my rattle?

I got your rattle right here!

[stammering]

Hang on.

Right here! Huh?

-[toys squeak]
-[gasps]

[whispers] Sorry.

[grunts]

Oh, look! I found the CEO's rattle!

Danke, Dale!

See me later for a handshake
that'll numb your paw for a week.

-Did you and Dale plan that?
-Ah!

[laughs] Babies pay good money
to get their adrenaline goosed that hard!

Looks like I owe you one.

-[shouts] Coo!
-[screaming]

[mock snoring]

D'oh! Ow! Oh.

[dramatic yawn]

Whoa, good nap!

Probably sh**ting
up that leaderboard. [chuckles]

Ah! Well, I'll get them on the next event.

I would have had her back on the road
if you didn't stop me!

Why are you being such a doodybutt?

Don't worry, I will claim that rattle,

we'll do the Manchego,
and everything will be great!

Ugh! Are you seriously just trying
to win that stupid trophy?

-No!
-Because that's sure what it looks like!

I told you, I got this!

And I don't like repeating myself.
It's why I never order couscous.

You keep saying you got this,
but you don't!

You don't got this!

But I need this!

Hey, Dale from Accounting!

Tough luck on the napping comp.

You win some, you lose some.

Well, in your case,
you lose 'em all. [laughs]

[shouts]

G'oh!

I used to be the boss.

Everybody knew my name.

But now... [sighs] I'm just a Dale.

They fired me, Stace.

I've got to fight for every crumb
of respect I can get.

Even you think I can't win anymore.

You can't win.

Uh, why would you verbalize that?

Oh, sorry.

You can't win.

I'm too distraught for subtext right now.

By yourself.

Now let's go score your doodybutt
a trophy, huh?

Manchego!

What's the next event?

[Rattleshake] ♪ Cuddle time! ♪

Final event: The Endurance Cuddle!

Um...

-Hop on that bear and hold on.
-[whimpers, yelps]

No feet on the ground.

Maintain cuddle contact at all times.

The longer you cudd,
the more points you get.

So even the babies at the bottom
still have a shot at winning this!

Looking at you, Dale! [laughs]

[babies giggling]

Yes, looking at me. Thank you.

How long do I have to hang on to catch up?

Uh, let's see. Uh...

Thirty-seven minutes longer
than anybody else.

[sighs]

Hey, we got this.

[monitor chirps]

Yo, Jimbo!
Time to slice this Manchego!

[whimpers] There might...
be a wee, small... problem.

[giggling]

Eat it for breakfast.
We need the team back now!

[munching]

-No! Boss and Staci need big-kid Tim back.
-[Tim cooing]

Big kids don't eat their toes!

Big kids do big-kid stuff like,
I don't know,

insurance underwriting or homework?

No stupid homework on Saturday!

[munching]

You spoke big kid!

And right after I said home-- whoa!

[babies grunting]

Finland!

-[gasps]
-[thuds]

Ouch!

Give that maniac extra points
for somehow landing

on her face and badunkadunk
at the same time.

[straining]

-[grunts]
-Wah!

-Jimbo!
-[Jimbo grunts]

Huh?

[both shouting]

[Tim groaning like baby]

Yeehaw!

We're coming, Boss!

"Monique ate six slices of pizza.
Each slice had six pepperonis.

How many pepperonis did Monique eat?"

No homework... Saturday.

I said how many pepperonis?

Thirty-six pepperoni.

Jimbo, keep going! It's working!

"What is the capital of Nevada?"

Carson City.

[Jimbo] "What are female peacocks called?"

-[Tim grunts] Peahens!
-[gasps]

-You're sliding! [laughs]
-[Boss Baby straining]

You're losing it!

You're such a Dale!

I am no Dale!

We need more homework!
Ask him another question!

-[Boss Baby] Ah! Jimbo!
-[Tim groaning]

Uh, there's supposed to be
four, um, apples in the team.

If Boss Baby is one apple,

then how many, uh, apples,
uh, does Boss Baby need?

Three... of... us.

Ah!

Because we're a four-apple team!

Hey! Did you just make me
do homework on Saturday?

[growls]

[sighs] Thanks for the assist,
Temple-- Tall Baby.

[Chip] I wish I had a pit crew!

[grunts]

Think you can hold out
for another 37 minutes?

Are you kidding?

You're, like, 20 pounds of baby
on my head!

[gasps]

Go! I can hang on long enough.

Staci, get in the bouncy chair!

-[rubber creaking]
-[Tim grunting]

[straining]

Tall Baby, fire!

-Heeyah-chah!
-Oh!

-[Jimbo] Hi!
-[Boss Baby grunts]

[Tim grunts]

[giggle echoes]

♪ Coffee break!
Coffee break! ♪

♪ Coffee break! ♪

-Ah!
-Oh, good, you're still alive.

What? How long was I cooing?

Two and a half hours.

-[bell ringing]
-[babies cheering]

Dale's a winner! Just like that one guy!

You know, that respectable baby,
used to work here, was boss of something?

What was his name? Eh, brain fart.

Honor! Prestige! Coo!

Behold, the Golden Rattle!

Five seconds to pull
the Big Manchego, starting... now.

-[Rattleshake] The Coo chooses...
-Five, four...

-...and the Coo never lies.
-Three...

-So I am stoked beyond stoking...
-...two...

-One!
-...to present this Golden Rattle to...

everybody!

What?

You're all winners at being a baby!

-[laughing]
-[button squeaks]

[babies screaming]

-[crying]
-[Rattleshake] Yeah! [laughing]

Zero?

Aw, it's zero, buddy.

Ugh! Stuck with Rattleshake.

I can't believe I did
my stupid weekend homework.

Participation trophy? [mock gags]

-At least we failed together!
-Yeah, cool.

-[zaps]
-Double B, how you been?

-Thank you!
-[chuckles]

All right, Beebs,
I got some business here.

Okay. Thank you. Okay, okay, okay.

-[grunts]
-Thank you. Good to see you, too.

Yo, Rattleshake CEO!

Did you spend
the entire year's staple budget?

Yeah!

How else was I gonna bulk order
all those sweet Golden Rattles?

[laughs] And how often do people
actually use... [scoffs] staples?

[announcer] A message
from the board of directors.

Rattleshake CEO Baby, you're fired.

[gasps]

Hi. Buddy from HR.

Just got some friendly termination papers
for you to sign.

-Here and here and...
-[wind whistling]

-I would've stapled them, but...
-[rattles clanking]

She's really, truly, really fired?

[giggle echoes]

[people screaming]

♪ Bag of snakes! Bag of snakes! ♪

-♪ Bag of snakes! ♪
-[hisses]

Ah! Now, that's my Coo.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪