03x01 - Bossa Nova

[bunniefuu]

- [boy grunts]
- [phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

- [giggling]
- [lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

♪ Good morning, merry sunshine ♪

♪ How did you wake so soon? ♪

♪ You scared the little stars away ♪

♪ And shined away the moon ♪

♪ I watched you go to sleep last night ♪

♪ Before I stopped my playing ♪

♪ How did you get way over here ♪

♪ So early in the day? ♪

[Boss Baby] Mommy-Daddy-Baby playgroup.

Fart poop doody.

How did I end up
in Mommy-Daddy-Baby playgroup?

Your boardly eminences,

given the corporate malfeasance

of Turtleneck Superstar CEO
Not-Really-A-Baby...

Speak not her name!

I must renounce the title of acting CEO,

given to me under false pretenses.

I appeal to your mighty org chart wisdom

that I be restored
only as VP of Field Operations.

Cast you down to Field Operations?

- Balderdash!
- Piffle!

In our darkest hour,

when Bootsy Calico invaded
these blessed halls of business,

who was there?

[all] Boss Baby!

In our other darkest hour,
when ancient adversaries

declared open w*r on babykind,
who was there?

[execs] Boss Baby!

In our even darkerest hour,
when our own CEO unmasked

her geriatric flimflammery,
who was there?

[execs] Boss Baby!

The balance sheet speaks only truth!

Who is clearly the problem
at this company?

- Guh...
- [execs] Boss Baby!

- You're fired.
- What?

[door slams]

I like your cardboard box.

[loud thud]

[Boss Baby] You pour
your baby sweat and soul into a company,

and look at the fun farewell prizes
they give you.

Six-month supply of the special formula
that keeps us from growing up.

Once that's gone,
I turn into a regular, dumb, happy baby!

[blows raspberry]

Monitor for emergencies.

I can still wave hi-hi's to you at work!

Hi-hi! Hello there.
Yoo-hoo.

And for when unemployed life
gets you down,

this motivational poster about adversity!

Run, hot dog man!

I believe in you!

[gasps] Oh, he died.

Hey, Tim, maybe you want to jump in here?

Sorry! I'm so sorry.

- I've just really, really gotta find...
- [Dad] Timbo, three minute warning!

[Mom] ♪ First day of school! ♪

First day!

I can't jump into that
without my lucky pencil!

Lucky pencil?

Danny Petrosky's dad snuck a few
out of the secret Army base

where they study luckular technology,

and he said he could sell me one
if I promised not to tell the government.

Danny Petrosky's dad
is a liar and a moron,

and also a great businessman.

[suckling]

For the record, sir, I think the board
really doodied the tub on this one.

Yeah! Double-doodies!

- [Staci] Say the word, and I'll quit.
- [Jimbo] Me, too!

Baby Corp is a tub-doodying
pile of smushed...

Don't you finish that slander!

[suckles]

I don't want anybody else
throwing their career away.

Baby Corp needs you two.

She's a precious pearl of industry.

[groans] Keep her shiny for me.

[sobbing]

[yelps, groans]

I'll spit on a kitten in your honor, sir.

Thank you.

Yes!

Looks like this is
Tim Templeton's lucky day.

We're doomed to failure!

The Knights Templar sealed their treasure
behind a most diabolical code lock.

To break it, we'd have to create
heavy black marks

that fill the correct bubbles completely,
making no stray marks outside the circles.

Lucky me.

♪ A-plus ♪

[Mom] Out the door in 30 seconds!

Flush 'em and brush 'em!

For good luck?

Go on, enjoy your structured day
of deadlines and...

[sighs] performance evaluations.

I'm really sorry you lost your job.

Are you gonna be okay?

Oh, with you at school
and Mom and Dad at work,

it'll be good to stay home
by myself for the day.

- Clear my head, figure out what's next.
- Stay home by yourself?

You know that's not
how being a baby works, right?

Well, where else would I be?

- [babies crying]
- [toy squeaks]

[giggling, squealing]

- [woman] Aegi, no!
- [screams]

[babies babbling]

Oh, you think he's upset
we took him out of the suit?

I didn't want him intimidating
the other babies on his first day.

He'll be fine.

I'll see you after work.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

Love you, my brave little man!

We're trading days working from home
so one of us can be with the baby.

- You couldn't find daycare either?
- Yeah!

They've all been shut down
for a while now.

What's the story there?

If you ask any former workers,

they go pale and mumble something
about "the Staci incident."

- [baby shouts]
- So, playgroup.

Such a great idea!

Nobody cares for a child
better than their own... Ah!

Dakota, that is Daddy's
special crime-hitting stick! No!

[babbling]

Do your worst, Buskie.

Let's see how deep
this submarine of humiliation can dive.

- [babbles]
- [car horn beeps]

- [car door closes]
- [gasps]

We have another newcomer?

Hope everyone's ready to welcome
our first real-life celebrity!

Hi! Marsha Krinkle, Channel 8 News.

Longtime judger, first-time adopter.

This just in: me!

Local television's most cold-blooded
newscaster adopted a...?

[babbling]

[gasps]

Fire this world into the sun
and let it burn.

Aw! He already made a little friend!

- [babbling]
- Wow, he is so advanced!

I must really be fantastic at this.

Now, where's the coffee?
Mama needs a guzzle.

Beep-boop-bop-ba-boop-
bop-ba-beep-Boss Baby!

Mega Fat Regular Baby.

- Who's looking dapper in a diaper?
- [grunts]

Mm, peekaboo, it's you!

Up high, big guy!

What's the play here?
Are you behind this whole thing?

Did you get me fired?

[gasps] You got fired?

Oh, my tiny baby heart breaks
for your disappointment,

but how fortunate you have me here
to help your journey to fulfillment

as a regular good-boy baby.

Now we high-five for realsies!

Boop! Hello, normal babies!

We are good friends now, yes?
Hooray!

Hi-hi-hi-high-five!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh! [groans]

- [chiming, buzzing]
- [Boss Baby] Staci, Jimbo!

I need rational conversation ASAP!

- Hit me!
- Kind of a bad time, Boss.

The new head honcho just showed up.

They hired another CEO already?

- [mic feedback rings]
- Hey, guys. Buddy from HR.

Just a couple of quick-quicks.

First, after two CEOs in a row
that were di-sas-ters,

the board decided to bring in
a real tushie-kicker to clean house.

[chuckles] Second,
if anybody needs to sign out

a pair of sensitivity earmuffs,

come see me, Buddy from HR.

Love you guys.

Why would we need earmuffs?

[elevator whirring, beeping]

[gasps]

[groaning]

[shoes squeak]

Our new boss, Scary Sweary CEO Baby.

Ah, good to be here.

Now get your [babbles] heads
out of your [babbles] and get to work!

- [all gasping]
- This is a business, not a [babbles]!

- [gasps] So much profanity!
- [babbling continues]

He used a no-no word.

What does [babbles] mean?

Do I look like a [babbles] dictionary?

[babbling continues]

Cool.

Well, we'll talk later, BB.

- It's from France.
- [Dad] Come on, we're here to socialize.

- [gasps]
- [Dad] Playgroup time!

Forgive me for saying this,
Marsha Krinkle, uh, big fan,

but I never pictured you
as the mommy type.

You're too kind, but also wrong.

It's modern times.

Parenting's practically a no-brainer

now that Wagby's taken all the worries
and guesswork out of it.

- Huh?
- Whu?

Wagby?
The animatronic childcare companion?

- [Dad] Really?
- [Mrs. Buskie] Let's see more.

- Wagby?
- It stands for "Who's A Good Baby?"

Is it me, Wagby? Am I a good baby?

Careful, no oopsies!

Good babies never make messes
for Mommy!

[chuckles] Oh, thanks, Wagby!

You're always so sensible!

Uh...

fine, tell me more about the kangaroo.

- [classical music playing]
- Wagby is always expanding baby's mind

with things like classical music,
foreign languages...

That's the smart music!

It's guaranteed to make me a president
or a Nobel Prize Winner,

or both, most likely.

[soft music playing]

Wagby even maintains
baby's ideal nap schedule

for physio-social development
and aspirational dreaming.

It's nap-naptime.

Es la hora de dormir.

Neru jikan desu.

Il est temps de dormir.

[groans, gasps]

Wagby says it's nappy-time.

Bonne nuit!

- [Dad] Playgroup at my place tomorrow?
- [yelps]

- Yeah, count me in.
- Yeah!

See you there!

Bring that kangaroo, will you?
I'd love to see more.

Here's news you can use: I wouldn't take
my baby anywhere without it.

You look stressed.

Want to borrow my Wagby?

I don't need some outback backseat driver
telling me how to be a baby.

[laughs] My life is great.

Adequate. Passable.

By some measures.

[door opens, closes]

[sighs] Stupid first day... [mutters]

What's the matter with you?

Where to even start?

You think you got it bad?

They assigned us an essay!

Who gives homework on the first day?

You lied to my face, lucky pencil!
[grunts]

Great!

And now I need a new stupid pencil
so I can write a stupid essay

that shouldn't even stupid exist!

[sighs] You're so lucky you're a baby.

[door opens, closes]

[groans]

So this is what it's come to:
unemployed, abandoned.

And in casualwear?

Who even am I anymore? [thuds]

[Mega Fat] A sad, failed baby
who needs marsupial companionship?

No!

Here, try mine for a day.

If you like it, I'll help convince
your mama and papa to buy your own.

Let's be the best baby a baby can be!

What are you, working on commission?

You're sad you're not a boss anymore.
Baby, I done been there.

But I found my new place in the world.

Let's help you find yours.

You're deranged!

You're the one having conversations
with an imaginary version of me

through a television
that's not really even turned on.

Find my own new place in the world!

[Boss Baby] You were right, hot dog man.

It's not adversity, it's opportunity!

Today is the first day
in the career rebranding of Boss Baby!

- [laughing]
- [horn toots]

Greetings, fellow rebel bad boy baby.

You'll notice I've acquired a tattoo.

It's the Chinese symbol for a ladybug.

[babbles]

- I am not having a mid-infancy crisis!
- [screams, thuds]

- [grunting]
- This is who I am now!

- Ah!
- Well, I will prove it!

- [Boss Baby growls, shouts]
- [laughing]

Oh! Ow.

- Oof!
- [Buskie laughing]

[Wagby] Not too fast.

Wagby says safety first.

That is outstanding advice, Wagby!

You make me so happy and good.

All right. New identity, take two.

- [blows raspberry]
- [Mr. Buskie] Got that baby!

[blows raspberry]

[Dad] Come on, baby!
B-B-B-Baby, I'm gonna get you!

Last babies crawling.

I guess we're a lot alike,
you and me. [laughs]

That's who we are,
just a pair of primo baby athletes.

- [yelps]
- [Dad] I got that baby!

[blows raspberry]

- [babbling]
- Dakota! Don't let me interrupt.

Just taking the temperature of the room,
trying to find my tribe.

Lot of interested parties, several offers,

but, uh, I want to make sure
everyone gets a fair shot.

We've never really talked.
What are you into?

- What do you... Ah!
- [shouts] Mine!

[chuckles] No, that one's yours.

- This one's mi... Ah!
- Mine!

- Not yours, mi... Oh!
- [shouts]

Wha...? Hey!

- [shouts]
- Ah!

- How did you even...?
- [Mega Fat laughs]

Oh, would you like some bouncy,
fun rubber ball time now, Jarreau?

[coos]

Sharing makes everyone cheery!

It sure does, Wagby!

- [Dakota babbling]
- [shouts, growling]

[both shouting]

Mine!

I'm trying, but none of it's me.

How do they expect me to jump
from a layered-management chain of command

to nasal-drip mobocracy?

Have you tried... [yelps]

No personal calls on company time,
or I'll drop your [babbles]

into a boiling [babbles] so fast,

it'll [babbles] that it'll take
an army of [babbles]

and a case of wet wipes to clean up,
you understand?

- [Jimbo whimpering]
- You bet your [babbles], sir!

I like the attitude.
Watch the potty chair mouth.

[Staci] Gotta go, Boss.

I guess just keep at it? Bye!

- [monitor chirps]
- [sighs]

[blowing notes]

Ah!

Do you even have eyelids?

- [babbling]
- What are we today, little chefs?

[chuckles] Fun. Mind if I join?

- [babbling]
- Uh, yeah, thanks. I'll get my own.

Hey, easy! Ah!

Not in my hair! [shouts]

- [gasps]
- [both] Oh, good, you're here!

You gotta help me, Templeton.

I don't know where I belong,
what to do with myself all day.

You gotta help me!

I'm sick of being told
what to do with myself all day!

- We need an adventure.
- Day planner.

- What are Staci and Jimbo up to?
- Oh, I miss those.

- Whoa!
- [both shouting]

[Boss Baby] Does it have
weekly agenda items, organizer tabs?

- [Tim] Hey! Get off!
- Can I just smell it? [sniffs, moans]

Aah!

I need direction!

[inhales, sputters]

[sputtering]

Baby, baby.

- I'm a babe-baby.
- [babies giggling]

[Wagby] You are a smart, creative,
well-behaved baby.

Thanks, Wagby!

You know, you always make me feel
so good about myself.

And now it's nap-naptime!

[babies yawning]

[all] Aw!

Isn't that adorable?

- That Wagby really is something.
- [Doug] How did it do that?

Where did you buy yours?

My little guy's been
so off his game lately.

You've heard of the Bubbeezee Corporation?

"We make babies easy"?

Uh, I'm a distributor.
I can show you the whole product line.

[sighs]

[all snoring]

This is all legit?

You're really happy
being a normal baby like... this?

Oh, never been happier.

[sighs]

Let's Wagby.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[panting] You will never regret this!

Let Wagby's software
sync up with your voiceprint.

I'll give you a series of phrases,
you repeat them to Wagby.

Then bingo-ba-done-zo,

your whole baby life
will be on the Wagby system!

Give me the phrases.

"Wagby is my best friend."

- Wagby is my best...
- Mm-mm.

In baby.

[sighs]

[babbling]

[Wagby whirs, beeps]

- "I accept Wagby into my heart."
- [babbling]

[Wagby whirs, beeps]

"Wagby makes me good,
and I like being good."

[babbling]

[whirs, beeps]

"I agree to indemnify and hold harmless
the Bubbeezee Corporation

for any injuries, losses or claims,
whether known or unknown,

which arise during
or result from my engagement

with the interactive product
commonly referred to as 'Wagby, '

on behalf of myself, my heirs,
legal representatives,

any and all other persons, in perpetuity
and throughout the known universe."

It's standard boilerplate.

[sighs]

[babbling]

- [Tim] No!
- Aah!

- [gasps]
- What are you doing?

I... I don't really know.

I've... I've been a little lost,
having kind of an identity crisis.

- You're a baby!
- [gasps]

Never use that word as an insult.
It's very offensive to my people.

No, I mean you need to enjoy this.

Not the getting fired part,
just being a baby.

This is the most freedom you'll ever have.

You get to choose who you are,
not some know-it-all kangaroo toy.

[Wagby whirring]

You broke my Wagby.

- [Wagby stuttering] Safety first.
- Aah!

[gasps] Aah!

[stuttering] Vous êtes
un bébé intelligent...

- Whoa!
- ...créatif et bien élevé.

- [babies groan]
- [gasps]

[stuttering, distorted]
Careful, no oopsies!

[all screaming]

[gasps] My new baby friends!

[babies scream]

- Aah!
- [crying]

[stuttering, distorted] Good babies
never make messes for Mommy!

[birds chirping]

[babies crying]

- [Doug] Oh!
- Seriously?

- Oh, darn nag it!
- They just went down for naptime.

[sighs] Oh, I'd better go check on them.

Wagby's got it covered.

- [babies screaming]
- [Mega Fat panting]

Wagby, no! This isn't like you!

[Wagby, distorted]
Sh-Sharing makes everyone ch-cheery!

- Staci?
- Heads up, Boss.

Baby love just took a slight tick down.

Low-grade fussing, frustrated parents.

Nothing major,
but ground zero's at your house.

Yeah, that sounds accurate.

Whatever it is, the CEO wants
to lead in the field team personally.

He's reading the mission brief now.

There's no time for reading!

Templeton and I are gonna
have to take care of this ourselves.

What do we do with the babies? Aah!

[Wagby, distorted] ...t-temps de dormir!

Templeton, couch fort!

[Tim grunting]

Assembling!

- [crying]
- [Wagby stuttering]

Two babies secure!

[Mega Fat] Wagby, no!

- Grab Shover!
- [Mega Fat groans]

[Wagby, distorted] W-Wagby says...
m-messes for Mommy.

- Mega Fat, take shelter!
- [yelps]

- But I can reason with Wagby!
- [grunts]

[Wagby, distorted]
And n-now it's n-naptime!

[grunts]

No shoving! That's your forward shield!

You'll have to get the others! [grunts]

[crying]

[gasps]

Come on! [grunts]
We have to get clear of...

[distorted] Best baby... best baby.
Nap-nap-nap-naptime.

[screaming]

[distorted] Sharing makes everyone cheery.

[gasps]

- [gasps]
- [babbles]

Templeton!

[gasps]

[in slo-mo] No!

[in slo-mo] B-B-Best baby...

- [grunts]
- [distorted] And now it's na-na-naptime.

[shorting out]

- [electricity crackles]
- [all gasp]

Lucky pencil!

[baby cooing]

[monitor chiming, buzzing]

Hey, BB, looks like baby love
just stabilized.

CEO's disappointed
he doesn't get to go on a mission.

[scoffs] What kind of [babbling]...

But whatever you did, good job!

[babies babbling, laughing]

[Boss Baby] Not what I did...

what we did.

And look what we just did.

Destroyed my very expensive
and helpful kangaroo friend?

I'll buy you a new one
when I get my job back.

Hooray for new toys!

- You're getting your job back?
- We're getting my job back.

We're going to send baby love
higher than it's ever been,

leave Baby Corp begging to take me back.

This isn't a playgroup, it's a field team.

I'm on board with this plan!

[scoffs] Who needs career rebranding?

[door closes]

[rustling, zipping]

I'm the boss, baby.



♪ Boss Baby ♪