02x01 - Hakuna Ma Kevin/The Great American Telenovela

[bunniefuu]

- [keyboard clacking]
- [telephone ringing]

Ay, so many reports.

I barely got to see any patients.

I hear you, girl.

Here's some more paperwork.

Ugh, I guess that's as exciting
as it's going to get today.

Need some help here. Tv producer
got bonked by a studio light.

Get him to the ICU! Stat!

- Wow! Fantastic delivery!
- [screams]

Do not be alarmed.

Randy Esperanza, TV director
and producer for Fresas de Amor.

♪ Fresas de Amor ♪

♪ America's number one telenovela ♪

[announcer]
On Wednesday mornings.

I've been to three hospitals tonight

trying to cast a nurse
for our next episode

and I'd love to offer you the part.

Me? I have to think about it...

for a second! Yes!

A telenovela?

That's so cool, Mom.

I didn't know
you were interested in acting.

Ha! When I was young,

I dreamed of becoming an actor.

But when I got to college,
I could only choose one major.

In the end,

I went with nursing because
it felt more practical.

And I always wondered
about the road not taken.

- Oh, Mom.
- How sad!

Ha-ha! Acting!

- Oh, wow! She fooled me, yeah.
- I'm impressed.

- Whoa.
- Whoa!

[Gretel] Cool.

- [Carolina] Hi, Randy.
- [Randy speaking Spanish]

These are my kids, Kevin and Gretel.

Hola, Children,
and welcome to Fresas de Amor.

Let me introduce you
to the cast.

Meet our leading man, Raul.

Did he just turn in slow motion?

Raul de la Fuerto.
I can't believe it.

Get your hands off my man!

[Randy] And this is Irasema Loyda.

Who plays Fantilda, the wicked baroness.

- [Raul] Hmm.
- Just getting into character.

I take my work deadly seriously.

- That's a vibe.
- And over here is Jaime.

Our writer.

I need another word for fervently.

Uh, passionately?

Too many syllables! [crying]

Is he okay?

Everyone's a bit tense
due to the mysterious threats!

The mysterious what now?

Just some crank letters.

Cancel the show or else,

stop production or be destroyed,

I know where you sleep. [laughs]

Telenovela fans, am I right?

Why don't you kids
check out the sh**t

while we get your mom
into the hair and makeup chair?

Ooh! Fancy!

What's with the creepy mannequin?

It's simple. Esmeralda was turned into
a mannequin by an evil potion

and is getting an operation
to become human again.

Ah, yes, a tale as old as time.

Okay, we're going for a take.

- Lights, camera, hair blowing fan.
- [bell ringing]

And action!

Esmeralda, mi amor.

[gasps]

Cut! Cut!

You've been warned!
End Fresas de Amor now!

[all gasping]

It's just a crank fan letter.

Let's take 15 for Raul, folks.

Clearly, someone on the show
is sabotaging things.

This is Mom's dream.

Even though she's been
in the makeup chair all morning,

we can't let some jerk
wreck her big moment.

I'm sure we can find the culprit.
Have we seen anyone suspicious?

Um, literally everyone.

Good point. Let's start
with our first clue.

The note.

[gasps] It's on
the back of the script.

Not just any script.

Look at the highlighted lines.

Fantilda, the wicked baroness.

The script belongs to Irasema Lloyda.

[gasps] The villain is the villain.

[chuckles mischievously]

My plan is going perfectly.

Soon I'll have what I need
to start my new life.

Farewell, Fresas de Amor!

Okay, she definitely
talks like a villain,

but how do we expose her?

As the resident telenovela expert,

it's simple.

In this world, there are
three unbreakable rules.

One, everyone has perfect hair.

Two, there's always
a secret evil twin.

And three, if you dramatically
confront someone with evidence,

they will break down
and admit everything.

All right, we'll give it a shot.

- A-ha!
- [gasps]

We know everything!
Your deceit, your lies, it ends today!

We see through you, Irasema!
The game is up.

I'm being confronted by facts
in a dramatic manner.

Very well. I admit it.

I, Irasema Lloyda, booked
a Taco Crunchies commercial!

- [both] Huh? What?
- That's right.

You're looking at the new
Taco Crunchies spokes-taco!

So you aren't
threatening the show?

No. I just convinced him
to put my character in a coma,

so I can get that sweet,
sweet taco money.

But why was the threatening note written
on a page from your script?

Pshh! I haven't picked up
a script in years.

Jaime highlights my lines
because he thinks I'll read them.

- But I just improvise.
- [Kevin] You make up all your lines?

[Irasema] You would too,
If you read Jaime's scripts.

They're terrible. It's no secret
he's trying to end the show.

Of course,
the writer of the note was...

- the writer!
- [loud clanging]

[Gretel] The trailer's moving!

- [Kevin] We gotta jump!
- [grunts]

What the heck happened?

Somebody moved the cinder blocks.

It must have been Jaime.
We need to stop him.

Okay, I'll just stay here and watch
my personal belongings burn.

And finished.

Uh, don't you think it's
a bit much for a nurse?

You're playing a nurse?

You're going to need
way more eyeliner.

For years, I've toiled on this miserable
show and they all laughed at me.

Well, they won't be laughing
when I take my glorious revenge!

We got you, dude.

- More drama.
- Uno momento.

The jig is up, Jaime!

Your sinister game
of evil ends here!

- No!
- Irasema told us everything.

No!

We know you're trying
to get the show cancelled.

No!

It's true, I confess!

For years I have been trying
to get the show cancelled

by using the most ridiculous
storylines known to man.

Telepathic triplets, body swapped
with animals, time travel.

But the ratings,
they just get better!

So I took revenge
the only way I knew how.

By sabotaging Irasema's trailer

and sending those threatening letters!

What? No!

By using the production copier
to secretly print my novel.

The Happy Little Whale?

It's a gripping tale about a happy
little whale who is, stay with me...

sad.

I'm a writer.

I don't have the backbone
to intimidate anyone.

Not like Randy,
Mr. Producer-director,

who just negotiated
to get a huge bonus

if the show gets canceled.

- Really?
- That changes things.

- Wait. What is that?
- [gasps]

It's the exploding wedding cake
from the season finale!

Why is there
an exploding wedding cake?

Get down!

My novel!

[screams in Spanish]

We gotta stop Randy!

I guess I'll just have
to print out another copy.

[gasps] It's out of toner.

[screams in Spanish]

Randy!

Hey, kids, try the empanadas.

They are, how you say, dynamite.

We're sure
you know all about dynamite.

You just tried to blow us up
with a pastry!

But we know your secret!

That behind your charm,
you're just an evil, shallow, phony!

I work in show business.
What's your point?

Our point is that you're the one
trying to ruin the show.

The mysterious threats, the trailer,
the exploding wedding cake!

It was all so you could
get your big payout!

We know it was you!

Nailed it.

Brilliant performance,
little escuincle.

But it was not Randy.

It was me!

- [all gasping]
- Huh?

- La Cebolla!
- La Cebolla!

[gasps]

That one was a bit over the top.

But how?
You were sent to jail like...

several times.

I got out on work release,

and I ended up getting a job
here on the show that fired me!

It was I who left
the threatening messages

and sabotaged
the hair blowing fan.

And when you two came
snooping around,

it was I who tried to stop you.

All in the name of revenge.

And nobody can stop me.

Oh, no, this is so scary.

I am running off to hide
until it is over.

We're here to stop you!

Hamster and Gretel!

You will not take this from La Cebolla!

I won't let you.

[dramatic music playing]

[both grunting]

Oh, brother.

[groans]

[coughs]

No!

I hate onions.

- [Kevin] Let's regroup.
- Fools!

Nothing will stop me
from taking my revenge!

She's wrecking everything.

Hamster, how do we take down
a telenovela villainess?

There's only one way.

Pushing her off a cliff.

Or, you know, revealing unto her
a shocking emotional discovery.

Shocking emotional discovery!

I know what to do.
Get the wardrobe!

[Hamster] La Cebolla, esperate!

Who dares to stop me?

Your long lost son.

Cebolito.

What are you talking about?

I don't have a son.

You do. But you forgot

because you caught amnesia
during your trip to the Amazon.

Trip to the Amazon?

I-- I don't remember that.

[gasps] Oh, because of the amnesia!

Cebolito, my son!

Wait, wait.

Why are you so tiny and furry?

And hamster-y?

[groans]

- Lo siento, mama.
- [groaning]

Nice work, hamster.

And it's back to jail for you.

My only crime
was wanting the spotlight.

Also all the other crimes.

Wait, crazy onion lady,

your performance moved me.

I want to offer you
a big role on the show.

A role? For me?

What is it?

Lying perfectly still pretending to
be a human turned into a mannequin.

I'm back, baby!

[Randy] Mannequins don't talk!

Action!

Esmeralda, mi amor!

I am a nurse.

[Randy] Cut.

Okay, that's a wrap on Carolina.

Great job, Mom. You nailed it.

So, is this the start
of a new career as an actor?

No way.

All that waiting around
for one line

when I could have
made my rounds at a real hospital?

Acting is not for me.

Well, we're so proud of you, Mom.

That's not your mom!

I am your mom!

That woman is my secret evil twin!

[shouts in Spanish]

- What?
- But how?

[chokes]

Ha-ha! Got you!

That's just my makeup artist, Julie.

[chuckles] We spent all day
coming up with that.

There's always a twin.

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

♪ It's Hamster ♪

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪