01x08 - Nightmare on Paris Street

[bunniefuu]

After a long week of pop quizzes,
food fights, and unlimited homework,

it is time for a much-needed escape.

And for me and my girls,
that escape is always Saturdays.

But first, a sis gotta get ready.

Ready.

(snoring)

(snorts)

(groans)

About to get ready.

Y'all know I stay ready.

Yep, time to get our skate on.

That is, after we get our chores done.

But once the chores are done,

and we're looking as cute as can be,

it's all good.

Closed?

-For two weeks?
-For two weeks?

(gasps)

That is not all good.

♪ Everybody out the way, it's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ Long as I got fun, family and friends ♪

♪ I got everything that I need ♪

♪ Everybody out the way, it's Saturday ♪

♪ We ain't got no time to waste ♪

♪ No work, all play, no stress ♪

♪ We got everything that we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no other day
Like Saturday ♪

How about we just hang out at the mall
for a couple weeks?

Boring.

-Oh, the kids are here.
-Thank you.

-Yeah.
-Isn't it Saturday?

Oh, how about we go swimming?

Uh-uh, I just got the hair did.
Not happening.

Oh, we could work on our science project.

It is due Monday.

And use our time wisely?

Have you met me, Simone?

-Hey, y'all. Quick question.
-Hey.

Um, why are you all here
and not at Saturdays?

It's closed for repairs
for the next two weeks.

BOTH: Oh.

That's, uh...

That's just so too bad.

I mean, too bad for your father and I.

We rather enjoy
our no-kids-at-home Saturdays.

Yes, yes, we're actually pushing
for it to be a national holiday.

You know what?

If we can't go to Saturdays,

why can't we just bring Saturdays to us?

I say we throw a party on the block.

-You mean like a block party?
-Yeah, that's what I just said.

A party on the block. It'll be fun.

We'll have friends, family,
and I'll get London to do the music.

Ooh, and I'll do the grilling.

ALL: No.

What are y'all, a choir or something?

Why can't I grill?

Cal, you know why you can't grill.

Okay, you start one little, teensy-weensy,

itsy-bitsy forest fire,
and the whole world turns against you.

-Look, I'm grilling.
-Whatever.

I think a block party sounds fun.

You just have to get the signatures
from all the neighbors.

-No problem.
-Including old lady Whitaker.

ALL: That's a problem.

Her house is scary.

Even the mailman won't deliver there.

He just throws the mail in the yard.

I heard that old lady Whitaker
is actually a ghost, okay?

And she only comes out
if you say her name three times in a row.

Like this, "Old lady Whitaker,
old lady Whitaker, old lady..."

-BOTH: Ari!
-Okay, I wasn't going to say it.

-Old lady Whitaker.
-Oh, she...

Who is...?

Are you serious? I mean...

Folks just stay being scared. (chuckles)

Ah! Not today! Shotgun!

(distant howling)

Paris, girl, I don't know,

but this don't seem like the move.

No, I think the move
is to go back home alive.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys. Come on.

We only got one last signature.

Yeah, key word being "last,"

'cause if we go in there, Paris,

I am telling you, it will be the last time
anyone ever sees us.

Yeah, my butterfly senses are telling me

this party may be another case
of you doing too much, Paris.

Me doing too much?
When's the last time I did that?

BOTH: Indoor skydiving.

(whimpering)

(alarm blaring)

(screaming)

We survived, right?

-Barely.
-Barely.

Do you guys want to have
a block party or not?

Yeah?

(whimpers)

-No.
-No, I... I guess.

Wait.

LONDON: Man, scrape harder.

Come on. Dad, when is the last time
you cleaned this thing?

I don't know. What year is it?

That long, huh?

I think we need chisels
for all this buildup.

Boy, that buildup is layers and layers

of juices and spices caked on
throughout the years.

That's historical flavor.

More like historical food poisoning.

-That is nasty.
-What is that?

-LONDON: I don't...
-Hey, you guys!

How's it going?

Just coming out here to check on you,
see how my boys are doing.

Oh, it's going good, it's going good.

Can't wait to fire it up.
Work on my practice brisket.

Well, I was just wondering, you know,

if maybe I could help out
with the grilling this time?

You know? Share some of my recipes.

Help out with some
of those grilling techniques. (laughs)

Oh, that... that is super sweet.

Thank you. Thank you.
But no, thanks, okay?

I'm a Johnson.
I'm from a long line of master grillers.

-I got this.
-Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, Cal, whoo.

I'm a Johnson too, remember?

-(laughs)
-Oh, okay. Correction.

Johnson men come
from a long line of master grillers.

-Can I get some?
-All right.

All right. Give me some. Okay?
It's a man thing.

-Yeah.
-You wouldn't understand, baby.

Yeah, you tell 'em, Dad.
That's right, Mom.

This is a man thing.

Wow, okay, so, let me get this straight.

As long as I'm in the kitchen
cooking for you all,

it's cool.

But because we're standing here outside,
grilling,

all of a sudden, I can't cook?

-Pretty much.
-Yeah, pretty much.

You hit the nail on the head
with that one, yeah.

Okay, so you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take
my non-grilling self back inside,

because clearly, I'm only worth anything

when I'm barefoot and pregnant
in the kitchen!

-(laughs) Yeah.
-CAL: Sounds good.

Hey, baby, on the way back out,

can you bring me an iced tea
from the fridge?

Grilling really parches a bro.

-Make that two.
-Make that two.

DEB: You just gonna count
to ten today, Deb.

You gonna count to ten.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

All right, boys,
you guys keep scraping away at it,

I'm gonna go get the gas can.

Whoa, whoa. Gas can? Gas can for what?

(laughs) Come on, man.

I got to light the grill.

How else you gonna start a fire?

(Cal chuckles)

(hawk screams)

(cackles)

(crow cawing)

What a cute, little crow.

Cute and terrifying.

-(nervous laughter)
-PARIS: All right, guys.

All we need to do is ring that doorbell,

get old lady Whitaker's signature,
and be out.

(sighs)

Okay.

I'm gonna ring the doorbell.

(doorbell rings)

You know what?
I don't think the doorbell works.

Maybe I should knock.

-No, no, no.
-Ooh.

And get knocked out?

SIMONE: I say we just leave

and send old lady Whitaker
an email for her signature.

-Oh, yes.
-Bye.

(door creaking)

Hello?

Old lady Whitaker?

SIMONE: No, don't go in.

-She's going in.
-(whimpers)

Mrs. Whitaker?

Mrs. Whitaker?

ARI: Did they pay the light bill?

PARIS: Come on, it's not that scary.

Hello?

It's your neighbors.

(breeze growls)

(all scream)

ARI: Open!

(thunder crashes)

(all scream)

(girls screaming)

Please! Please don't hurt us, okay?

I just wanted to get your signature!

Yeah, and I just want to live
to see another day.

And I just ordered
some neon wings online yesterday.

Please let me live to see them glow.

Please!

-Sorry, girls.
-(all gasp)

I can't allow you to leave this house.

At least not before I say...

(sobbing)

(clears throat)

...bonjour.

And welcome to the House of Whitaker.

PARIS: Wait a minute.

I've seen you in the news.

Aren't you that lady
that went to the gas station,

bought some lottery ticket
and won, like, a gazillion dollars?

Actually, it was two gazillion.

But who keeps counting after a gazillion?

(laughs)

You're Mrs. Whitaker?

Once upon a time, when I was broke,

I used to answer to such.

But since my elevation
to a higher tax bracket,

I now answer

to Michelle von Wellington Othella.

But you can call me Miss Michelle.

-And you live here?
-On occasion.

The house used to belong to my great-aunt,
your Mrs. Whitaker.

And when she passed,
she left me this house,

along with $10,000.

So I did what any sensible human being
would do

with such a windfall of cash.

You donated to a butterfly foundation?

I bought a scratch-off.

-Oh.
-And boom! I got paid!

So I use this place as a secret getaway

when life gets a little crazy.

But what about the horror story front yard

and the 10-foot weeds
that's just growing everywhere?

Yeah, and what about
that scary, little crow?

It's to keep out tax attorneys,

new cousins, and my latest husband,

who's upset with me because I forced him
to use the mini yacht.

Two hundred feet
is more than enough for him.

-Yeah, I think...
-This is insane, okay?

My mind is blown.

Only your mind?

Well, I think I can do better than that.

Lunch is served.

ALL: Wow.

Oh, wait until you taste the duck.

You'll want me to adopt you.

(weak laugh)

Okay, boys, now the key to a good brisket

is not only catching it on sale
at your local grocery store,

but the act of the rub.

-The rub.
-The rub.

We like the sound of that.

It's like a massage, right?

Yes, precisely.

Swedish or deep tissue?

I'm a hot-stone man myself.

Oh, you a man of culture.
See, I like that too.

But the shiatsu,
that be having a brother screaming.

Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no.
No shiatsu, all right?

Now, back to the rub.

Now, what you want to do is...

Get you some mustard and pickle juice,

mix, slather it on it
before you apply the Dalmatian mix.

Time-out. Wait a second.

Dalmatian mix?
We putting dog on biscuit now?

What parts of the dog
are we talking about?

It makes a difference.

Dalmatian mix,
meaning kosher salt and black pepper.

The mustard and pickle juice
help the salt and pepper

adhere to the brisket.

But, hey, master griller over there
already knew that, right?

Of course I did, all right?
Don't confuse kids, all right?

(laughs) I was getting to that.

Uh-huh.

Now, before you apply
the denomination mix...

-BOTH: Dalmatian.
-Whatever.

You want to really let her know
who's boss.

(yelling)

-No, no. No, no, no. Close, close, close.
-That's it.

Yes, no, no. Okay, pick it up,
just like you're doing.

Yeah. All right?

And then you squeeze.

-BOTH: Squeeze it.
-Yeah, yeah.

This starts the tenderization process.

Gotta really squeeze it.
You know what I'm talking about?

-Squeeze it.
-Squeeze it.

CAL: Yeah! Use your legs.
I like that. Yeah?

And you want to keep
on squeezing it until...

Until it's done.
And guess what? It ain't done.

But, hey, what do I know?

(laughs) I can't grill, right?

LONDON: ♪ Shiatsu ♪

-♪ Shiatsu ♪
-♪ Shiatsu ♪

-♪ Shiatsu ♪
-♪ Shiatsu ♪

♪ Shi-shiatsu ♪

We got to hit that!

(beatboxing)

(all sigh)

Miss Michelle, you sure do make
a mean chicken wing.

It's so true.

If I eat any more, I may have to pop
a button on my cute jumpsuit.

I may have to pop two.

I'm glad you ladies
are enjoying yourselves.

I'm even happier
I decided to open the door

and let you all in.

If I may ask, why did you open the door?

Well, I was watching you three
from my surveillance cameras.

You have cameras?

Where?

Everywhere.

Anyway, I watched how you three toiled

over approaching the house,

how you stuck together as friends.

It reminded me how important it is

to have good friends in your life.

We all need them,

especially if you can't buy them.

We are good friends.

Yes. Free-of-charge friends.

So, the real reason why we came is...

Your rink closed
for two weeks for repairs,

and you need my signature
to throw a block party, correct?

How do you know that?

Never mind.

So, if you don't mind...

Of course I'll sign.

-Yes!
-Yes!

I'm always down for a good block party.

(squealing)

But...

I'm also down for a good...

challenge.

-SIMONE: Should we be here?
-ARI: Can we just... We can turn back.

What in the out of the blue?

ALL: Miss Michelle?

Correction.

Down here, it's Chi-Town Shelly.

And if you want my signature, boo-boo,

you're gonna have to skate for it.

ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Lace up, ladies.

These quads are dope.

-Ari, you got to focus.
-Yeah.

Come on, girls. Come on and get spanked
like you stole something.

Wow. The language on that billionaire?

Atrocious, I tell you.

I don't care what she's saying, okay?

We're gonna get that signature.

Chi-Town Shelly's about to get dealt with.

Let me do the honors, ladies.

I'll take care of old Shelly-Shell.

She don't want these wings.

SIMONE: Mm-hmm. Get her, girl.

Just so you know,

those butterflies won't save you.

Yeah, and just so you know...

I got nothing.

Pity.

(hip-hop music playing)

♪ Agitated, exacerbate ♪

♪ Why you look so mad
When the woman's a lady? ♪

♪ Gotta wipe that look off your face ♪

♪ When you see a girl
Come through in first place ♪

♪ Know that she bad
'Cause she worked through the hate ♪

♪ Too bad on the... ♪

Sorry. I got Chi-Towned.

(laughing) Call me when you buy some hips.

(hip-hop music continues)

My bad, y'all.
But Chi-Town Shelly is the truth.

Paris, care to play?

Oh, yeah. Let's play.

(hip-hop music continues)

(screams)

I think we're gonna have to play with her
a little differently.

(Michelle laughs)

CAL: Just a little more of that.

-Taste tester says "huh."
-Huh?

-(gags)
-(chuckles)

-Oh!
-How's that taste?

-Flammable.
-Okay, all right, all right.

No, Mr. J. I'm good.

I'd like to keep my nose hairs.
They're one of my best features.

Okay. Well, Cal's secret sauce is ready,
so it is time to get our flame on.

(grunts)

All right!

Uh, Dad, thanks for shedding the gasoline,

but you getting a little too happy

with having squirt-squirt
with the dang lighter fluid.

Yeah, you should douse, not drown.

The more accelerant,
the better, all right?

This is going to save us
at least two hours of grilling, son.

Actually, everything I've read on grilling
says that for the best results,

the flame should be low and slow.

Well, I am Cal Johnson,
and everything I do is hot and fast.

(chuckles)

Now, stand back.

Oh, yeah, we gonna stand way back.

Way back in the house!

-Save yourself!
-Really?

(door closes)

DEB: What's going on out there, boys?

-(flames flump)
-(Cal shrieks)

That answer your question?

(groans)

(Cal whimpering)

(Deb clears throat)

Mm-mm-mm.

(shuddering)

Bet you want to apologize, don't you?

-Mm-mm.
-DEB: Mm-hmm.

Still think a woman can't grill?

-No, no.
-Mm-hmm.

Why don't you take that burnt piece
of meat and put it on the counter?

Okay, it's okay. It's okay.

-(whimpering)
-Can you see me?

-Can you see me? Look at me.
-(stuttering)

It's a good thing I got
my special Debbie Deb's Hickory Rub

on standby, okay?

Now, London, I need you to get
that backup brisket out the fridge,

get the thermometer
and the applewood chips, pronto, okay?

Derek...

just stay under the table.

All right, come on.
Let's get this show on the road.

Take them singed eyebrows
and go under the table with Derek.

Go on now. Derek, get him some salve.

All right, come on, get the brisket
and applewood chips.

-Applewood chips, okay.
-Not an apple. Applewood chips.

Every time I come over this house.

MICHELLE: I thought y'all said
y'all could skate?

We-B-Girlz needs to be We-B-Practicing.

(laughs)

Guys, obviously, Chi-Town Shelly
ain't no joke.

But we need to get that signature.

Well, we can't take her down individually.
That's proven.

We need a different approach.

The only approach.

ALL: The Bum Rush.

Oh, so you want to come with the Bum Rush.

Figures as much.

Sorry, Chi-Town Shelly.

It's time to get audited.

(upbeat music playing)

(upbeat music continues)

Oh! Well played, ladies.

Well played.

(grunts)

Well, looks like y'all will be having
y'all's block party.

I'll sign.

Yes! Thank you, Miss Michelle.

No need to thank me.

Oh, but make sure
you bring me back a plate.

Oh, and never mention what happened here.

Or even me staying here.

I would hate to have to send
my security detail to your door.

Yeah, right.
I'm not afraid of no rent-a-cop.

-Me neither.
-(laughter)

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead
and keep this a secret.

Mm-hmm.

Brisket.

That's what I like.

Potato salad.

Macaroni and cheese.

Uh, just put everything in the plate.

(indistinct chattering)

♪ I woke up this morning ♪

♪ And I said... ♪

-Come on, let's go.
-Let's go.

Man, this is hungry.

DEREK: My stomach yelling at me.

LONDON: I can hear it.

(indistinct chatter)

CAL: Huh? Huh?

-(laughing)
-WOMAN: Wow!

Now, I would love to take credit
for this amazing brisket.

You'd best not.

-(all laugh)
-I know, that's right.

Look, all props to my lovely
and beautifully talented wife.

The real grill master
of the Johnson family.

(laughter)

Thank you, baby. I love you.

Thank you. (laughs)

-CAL: Hey, girls.
-DEB: Hey.

Congratulations on pulling
this block party together.

-Job well done.
-ALL: Thanks.

DEB: It's not that we doubted you,

but how did you get Mrs. Whitaker
to sign off?

Ooh, we had to battle her
in this crazy subterranean skating rink.

SIMONE: It's under her house,

which is just a scary front
to keep the IRS, her greedy husband,

-and newfound relatives out.
-DEB: Ooh.

And she skates by the name
Chi-Town Shelly,

-but she's really...
-(car horn honks)

Uh, really low-key and kind of cheap.

Yeah, and she really loves her privacy,

so I would advise for you
to never disturb her like that, ever.

Like, ever.

SIMONE: What they said, yeah.

MICHELLE: Hey.

How much for the brisket?

Not for sale.

(laughs) Sold!

Mm.

Maybe I'll play the lottery.

(chuckles) Whoa.

♪ Ain't nobody got to cry today ♪

♪ You can save that trouble
For another day ♪

♪ Hey, we're gonna have a good day ♪

♪ The truth, coming to the barbecue ♪

♪ Promise it gonna be a moo' ♪

♪ Holla if you rollin' through ♪

♪ Like I... ♪

♪ Bring the homey, bring the boo ♪

♪ You can bring your mama too ♪

♪ Oh, that is how we do, oh ♪

♪ Monday through Friday
Got us like "meh" ♪

♪ Everybody out the way, it's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ We got everything that we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no other day
Like Saturday ♪