01x05 - Roll a Mile in My Skates

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen, The Goldens.

♪ I'm feeling right tonight ♪

♪ I'm feeling Right tonight ♪

♪ I'm feeling right You feeling right? ♪

♪ I'm feeling right ♪

♪ I'm feeling right tonight ♪

PARIS: When the Goldens turn up,

it's a par-tay on the parquet all day.

SINGER: ♪ I'm feeling right
It feels good ♪

PARIS: School's always
in session when they get down.

Sadly, I'm at a different type
of school today.

SINGER: ♪ Yo, you getting left behind ♪

Saturday school.

This is our principal,
Principal Janet Gold stone.

Or as we like to call her, Cold stone.

And she's a lot.

(shatters)

(school bell rings)

- No sag in your life.
- (groans)

Saturday school.

No eating in class!

(crunching)

(muffled) Saturday school.

Littering?

Saturday school!

(school bell rings)

She's a beast. And, unfortunately,

she caught us texting during class.

- (rumbling)
- I'll make you a deal.

Text me, "You're sorry
for texting during class,"

and I'll let you go home.

(sighs)

We're probably gonna be here a while.

(cellphone dialer clicking)

Probably till next Saturday.

♪ Everybody out the way It's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ Long as I got fun family and friends ♪

♪ I got everything that I need ♪

♪ Everybody out the way, it's Saturday ♪

♪ We ain't got no time to waste ♪

♪ No work, all play, no stress ♪

♪ We got everything That we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't
No other day like Saturday ♪

Oh, look who it is.

Miss Saturday School doing her perp walk.

- How was it?
- Terrible.

No. Texting in class is terrible.

Let this be your first and last time
in Saturday school, Paris.

Don't worry, I'm not trying
to see Cold stone

any more than I'm legally required to.

- Fine.
- Anyway, I gotta grab my skates.

It's Golden mentor day today at Saturdays.

Oh! Bridging the gap between
the old and the new heads.

Oh, being a Golden myself,
I would have volunteered.

But your mama hasn't quite
entered the old category yet.

No, but you well on your way. (Chuckles)

Oh, keep talking. You gonna
mess around and get clipped.

- I'm playing.
- DEB: Mm-hmm.

Okay, let me go get ready.

(old time car horn blares)

(car approaching)

What?

(rattling and backfiring)

DEB: Oh.

What has four wheels and makes
all our dreams come true?

This guy's new truck. What I do?

Cal, what in the rust bucket
world is this?

This, my baby mama two times,
is Cal & Deb's B Baking on wheels.

Huh?

It's an anytime, anywhere bakery.

Okay, well, anytime is never,

and anywhere is anywhere
but in my driveway.

I think this is cool, Mr. J.

So you want to be buried in the yard too?

Is that right?

Deb, this is our future.

Now, let me walk you through our vision.

Vision? What vision?

Because your vision
must've been severely impaired

when you bought this hunk of junk.

It is not a hunk of junk.
It is an investment.

An investment that you did not discuss
before purchasing.

I didn't discuss it with you
because I knew you'd say no.

- You would have been correct.
- Deb, just look at it.

All it needs is a little TLC.

There ain't enough TLC in the world

to save this mess, all right?

Now, I don't know where you got it,

but you need to take it back.

I'm not taking it back, Deb.

- Return it, Cal.
- Keeping it, Deb.

R-E-T-urn it.

K-E-E-ping it.

Silence pauses are never good.

Okay, fine. Keep it, then. But guess what?

This is where you're gonna be living

until this hunk of junk is gone.

So get real comfortable, buddy.

Okay, I will, pal.

DEB: Ugh!

(sighs) Oh, she'll come around.

But sometimes, you got to stand
your ground, boys.

Stand your ground.

- Mr. Jay?
- Yeah?

There's a whole lot of something
leaking on this ground.

Hmm? Oh, no, no, no!

Girl, what took you so long?

Sorry, I had a lot of food truck
drama happening at the house.

Anyway, what is happening here?

So, Super Swag Time and Locomotion
just got their Golden mentors.

But we're just waiting on the rest
to get announced.

Okay, well, I hope we get someone good.

A great mentor is all we need

for getting our skating
up to that Golden level.

(clears throat)

You guys realize that it doesn't matter

what mentor you all get?

Just expect to be spanked
in the skills challenge.

- With two hands.
- Three hands.

And presenting our next Golden mentor,

for the Golden relay skills challenge.

He stands a mere five-foot-fine
as you-know-what

and skates as smooth
as Mr. Perry's bald spot.

I give you skating sensation...

Swan.

(cheers and applause)

(funky music plays)

(cheers and applause)

He is amazing.

We got to get Swan. Got to.

And Swan will be paired and mentoring...

(suspenseful music)

Ivan and the Invincibles!

- (cheers and applause)
- Bye-bye, losers!

(laughs)

Don't worry. Duchess loves us, okay?

She's just saving the best for last.

And mentor My Girls,

the We Be Girls!

(cheers and applause)

Making her return to Saturdays,

she is one of the dopest skaters

to ever wear a pair of quads, hands down.

See? I told you.

Give it up for the smokin' hot...

Hot Wheels!

(cheers and applause)

(funky music plays)

- (music stops)
- ALL: Cold stone?

It's Janet.

Miss Hot Wheels, if you're classy.

Duchess.

(tantric music plays)

You girls better have a good reason
for messing up my namaste.

Yeah. Y'all know I don't play
about my child pose.

We need a new mentor.

Coldstone's not about to work for us.

- Who?
- SIMONE: Principal Gold stone.

Hot Wheels. She's a menace.

An unfeeling, punishment-obsessed robot.

She runs on batteries
charged on students' pain.

It's true. And with all due respect,

we see her enough at school.

But having to see and work
with her here at Saturdays,

I don't think I could take that.

You crybabies have no idea
how lucky you are

to be in the same presence as Hot Wheels.

He's right. That skills competition

that you girls are training for,

she went undefeated for, like, 15 years.

Would have been 16
if it wasn't for Swan.

What happened with her and Swan?

Doesn't matter. All that matters is,

if you girls are trying
to get your skills up,

there's no better mentor.

Agreed.

What? An old man can't levitate?

GOLDSTONE: Pay attention, mentees!

The only way we have a chance
at winning this skills relay,

we have to get back to the fundamentals.

Hence, skating A*DS.

If there was a Guinness Book
record for looking ridiculous,

the three of us would break it.

You're not seeing the big picture.

Ari, you're our big wheeler.

The blinders are to keep you
from getting distracted.

You can't be chasing butterflies
during the challenge.

Doesn't mean I can't try.

Simone, the weighted vest,
it's supposed to keep you grounded

when you sh**t the duck.

Do I have to sh**t the duck?

I mean, duck lives matter too, you know?

And, Paris, your backwards skate
is lacking control.

Your arms is flapping all over the place.

These arms don't flap. They flare.

- (fruit thuds)
- BOY: Hey!

GOLDSTONE: Well, they need to flare less.

- You're doing way too much.
- PARIS: What?

Since when do I do too much?

How about Tuesday, in the cafeteria?

(heavenly choir singing)

(record scratch)

- (Western music plays)
- (blades drawing)

(crowd cheering)

PARIS: Sorry.

Something about that school square pizza

just hits differently.

GOLDSTONE: Well, every time you flare,

fruit will fall.

(funky music plays)

And that's how the Swan does it.

(chuckles) Y'all look so ridiculous.

Preaching to the choir.

What do you want, Swan?

Just saying hi.

I didn't know that you
were back at Saturdays.

Well, I heard you were in town

and thought I'd come
give you a proper hello

before sending you out
with a proper goodbye.

You're not still mad
that I retired you, are you?

Uh, Swan, you didn't retire me.

But what you need to retire

is this broke ponytail you're wearing

(laughing)

Oh, Hot Wheels still got that fire!

See you at the skills challenge.

What was that all about?

Unfinished business.

But back to our business.

I want you three
wearing these skating A*DS 24/7

until you don't need them anymore.

Now let me see some laps.

Move it, ladies! Move it!

LONDON: Dad?

Oh, my goodness. Dad.

Oh! Jerk chicken!

Oh. Hey, son.

I was dreaming I was eating
at a Jamaican buffet.

Well, I don't have
any jerk chicken or plantains,

but I got you this.

What? A frozen burrito?

Hey, that's the only thing
I could sneak out without being detected.

Mama's trying to starve you out, man.

She frisking brothers at the door.

Frisking?

- It's getting that bad, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, good looking out.

Where'd you hide this thing?

Uh...

- I'll take that back.
- Oh!

Look, Dad, you've been sleeping
out here for a week now.

Think it's time to give this dream up?

No, son. This is our future.

Let me paint you a picture.

I like pictures.

Imagine this truck,
not in its current state,

rolling around the Chi,

delivering baked goods to the masses.

I'm talking about tailgating

at the Bulls and Cubs game.

Taste of Chicago. All of it.

I see you, Pops. I see you.

Well, guess what's on top

of Cal & Deb B Baking food truck.

- What's that?
- A DJ booth.

- Who?
- Your DJ booth.

DJ London bringing them heat-seekers.

Them bangers for the bakery biz.

Whoo-hoo! Father Cycla.

- I'm sold!
- (both laugh)

Actually, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I'm sold.

But how are we gonna sell Mom?

We're gonna have to fix this puppy up.

Yeah, clean it up real good.

We're gonna need a team.

Hmm.

An A team.

(action music plays)

LONDON: First up:

Madison Ortiz. Skilled graffiti artist.

Actually, the word "graffiti"
is associated with vandalism,

which is why we now call it street art.

LONDON: Next up is Derek.

He'll be the muscle.

(yells)

I pity the fool. I pity the fool.

I pity the fool.

Was that all he used to say?

Pretty much.

Yup, and your oh-so-great son

will be electrical.

Hey! So, what you think?

- I think we need a new A team.
- They are also working for free.

I think this A team is perfect.
Let's get it.

GOLDSTONE: Keep moving, ladies.

sh**t the duck, Simone. sh**t the duck.

Lower.

Ari, you're supposed to be big-wheeling.

That's more like no wheeling.

Get those chicken wings in, Paris.

Get them in. No messing around.

Lower, Simone.

Big-wheeling. Come on. Concentrate.

Focus.

(blows whistle)

Good job, ladies.

I think you deserve a reward.

Can it be to go home?

No, but instead of a five-minute break,

I'll give you seven.

Oh. Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll see you in six.

ALL: She gotta go.

This t*rture has to stop.

I mean, look at Ivan and them.

They're actually having fun with Swan.

Why can't we have a mentor like him?

For real. Just without the ponytail.

- Yeah, it's a bit much.
- I wonder if there's a way

we can send her back into retirement.

You know, like how Swan did
back in the day.

I wish I had the T on that.

Well, wish number one.

I'll be right back.

- (grunts)
- Yeah, you need that off.

This thing about to take me out.

Okay.

After two laps around the rink

and a quick stop to the snack bar,

here's what I found out

about the 1992 Golden Age Skills relay.

Cold stone and Swan were fierce
competitors back in the day.

And during the 1992 Golden
Relay and Skills Challenge,

they faced off in the final heat.

Speed. Word is that Cold stone,
a.k.a. Hot Wheels,

came out blazing the competition,

smoking everyone in sight.

But pretty boy Swan wasn't to be outdone.

Creeping up behind Cold stone
on the sneak tip.

And as they turned the final corner,

with Cold stone clearly
on her way to victory,

Swan committed the ultimate crime.

He snatched her crown.

(laughter)

(crowd cheering)

- Girl, not the lace front.
- Yup.

He did a little tug-tug
on a rug-rug, edges and all.

Now, Swan claimed it was accidental.

Cold stone left in tears,
never to be heard from again until now.

And that, my friends,
is the T for today. (Chuckles)

I need a podcast.

I wonder where she went for retirement.

She got totally humiliated.

- That's so terrible.
- Is it?

I mean, it did make her go away.

True. We need to figure out
a way to embarrass her

back into retirement.

So then she won't have to be
our mentor anymore.

GOLDSTONE: Another way would be
to just ask me.

Miss Gold stone, we...

GOLDSTONE: It's okay, Paris. I get it.

I know when I'm not appreciated.

It's been a pleasure, ladies.

I hope you all find the mentor
you're looking for.

(sighs)

So nobody saw her zip up on us like that?

Cal! Okay, where are you taking me?

To the future, baby. To the future.

- Okay, okay.
- All right, open your eyes.

(laughing) Okay.

If this is the future,
then I want to stay in the past.

(stammers) What is this?
Is that supposed to be me?

I look like an extra-large Etch A Sketch
with Raggedy Anne hair. That's not me.

Actually, it's a decomposition
of you in geometric form

to provide perspective of your true self.

Avant-garde, right?

- Avant-no.
- Neophytes.

Okay, forget the little
ugly stick people for a minute.

- Listen to how she purrs.
- Purr.

London, fire it up.

(chuckles)

(engine stalling)

- (engine backfires)
- What the...?

Oh!

I said "fire it up,"
not "let it catch on fire."

London, go get the fire extinguisher.

Go get it. Oh, you blew up my house.

Here, Dad.

- Come on.
- DEB: Hurry, get in the house!

I pity you, fool. I pity you.

Your A team is fired.

Yeah, I'm so glad Cold stone is gone.

I mean, everything feels
so much lighter without her.

Oh, yeah. And all that focus
nonsense she was preaching.

She had no idea
what she was talking about.

Yup. And look at me, ladies.

Fruitless and fabulous, okay?

I mean, Cold stone be saying I be flailing
all over the place.

Well, look at me now, Cold stone.

Look at you now.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Robot. Robot.

- Robot.
- (all laugh)

Look at us now.

(all sigh)

I never thought I'd say this,

but I think we need to be
in Saturday school.

- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, son.

Ah, how does it feel
to be back in the house?

(inhales) Feels good, yeah.

Warm food, warm bed.

No more of them backyard showers.

I think Mrs. Smith
is gonna be mad at that,

but with a body like this,
who wouldn't be?

- (both laughing)
- Okay.

All right. Well, I'm glad you
got your sense of humor back.

I'm sorry you had to get rid
of the truck, though.

Ah, that's all right.

I really should have cleared it
with your mother first.

And she was right.
That thing was a hunk of junk.

(horn blaring outside)

- You hear that?
- Mm-hmm.

Deb! What is this?

(Deb laughs)

What is this?

Last I checked,

this is our future.

Yeah, but...

Close your mouth.

I thought about some things.

Letting it slide

that you didn't consult with me first

Yeah, that was my bad.

And I was wrong to shut you down

without seriously
considering your mission.

So, you got rid of it. I got it back.

Took it to my cousin June Bug's
shop on the South Side.

- (laughs)
- And, well...

voilà.

My man's vision.

Our future.

- Thank you, baby.
- Oh, don't thank me.

Thank June Bug. And them parts are legit.

I mean, you know, I think.

Hey! So, Ma, what happened
to the DJ booth on the top?

Boy, your mama ran out
of "DJ booth on the top" money.

You got an extra two grand?

Uh, no, I do not.

- Mm-hmm.
- But we have a dream.

And now it's finally coming true.

- DEB: Yes.
- Hey!

So, do y'all know if cousin June Bug

takes layaway installment plans?

Begging. I'm real good at that.

Trading. Come on!

Principal Gold stone?

Ow.

Girls, what are you doing here?

Saturday school is only for students

exhibiting deviant behavior.

- (students gasp)
- And that was just a binder.

Imagine what I can do with a globe.

Principal Gold stone,

we apologize for what
we said about you at Saturdays.

Yeah, and us planning to oust you

as our Golden mentor was wrong,

especially knowing what Swan
did to you back in the day.

- I'm sorry.
- You girls,

you really hurt my feelings.

We know. But with all due respect,

we really didn't think you had feelings.

Listen, I'm not perfect.

And I'm working on...

(exhales) softening.

But I challenge you ladies
because I see greatness in you.

In all my students.

And it's my job to prepare you.

Prepare you for the Swans of the world,

who only wish to snatch a queen's crown,

rather than polish it.

I only with to polish your crowns, ladies.

Wow. (Sniffles)

Principal Gold stone,
you about to have us crying up in here.

So, will you be our Golden mentor again?

Well, that all depends.

Can we win this, girls?

ALL: Yes!

Then Hot Wheels is in.

All right, ladies.

Time to go...

Back into retirement again?

(gasps and chuckles)

I mean, you know that's where
you headed, right?

Time to hang up the skates, Janet.

Yeah, Janet. (Laughs)

Sorry. Sorry, y'all.
I lost my mind for a second.

Nice bun, by the way.

Oh. Oh.

You know what?

Don't even worry about them,
Principal Gold stone.

- We got your back.
- Your back.

- And your bun.
- Thanks, girls.

And don't worry. We got this.

Yes, we do!

- Woo!
- Bam! Bam! Bam!

(shrieking)

(shrieks)

Skaters, take your marks!

Get set.

Go!

(cheering and applause)

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ This is how we do it Do it, do it ♪

♪ Yeah, this is how we do it ♪

(inaudible)

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

♪ This is how we do it Do it, do it ♪

♪ Yeah, this is how we do it ♪

Oh!

(all cheering)

(whooping)

(all shouting and cheering)

(cheering stops)

Yay!

Go, Hot Wheels!

(cheering resumes)

- She's gonna do it!
- Whoo!

Oh, no.

He's going for the bun.

No, no, no.

Yeah!

(all cheering)

Hot Wheels wins! They win!

(all cheering)

Hot Wheels, you were out there
doing your thing, thing.

Oh, for real.

I mean, you were amazing.

And the hair? Whip it.

Whip it for real! Okay?

Honestly, this might be one
of the happiest days of my life.

Now we just got to learn
to stop texting in class.

(camera shutters click)

Really?

♪ Run out the house
Like where the furniture? ♪

♪ We about to do what has to get done ♪

♪ Watch you skating down the boulevard ♪

♪ Fast cars kicking down bars ♪

♪ Ain't no coolest running like ours ♪

♪ Monday through Friday
Got us like "meh" ♪

♪ Everybody out the way, it's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ We got everything that we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no other day ♪

♪ Like Saturday ♪