01x03 - Too Many Cooks

[bunniefuu]

Happy Saturday!

Or should I say, Satur-Hair Day!

When I'm not at Saturdays on Saturdays,

I'm usually here once a month
getting my hair did.

Jeannette's Beauty Bar
on the South Side of Chicago.

That's Jeannette.

Keeper of my crown
and stylist extraordinaire.

She's a little wild
with the water, but it's fine.

I stay hydrated.

Despite Jeannette's heavy handedness,

she hooks your girl up
with the most original of styles.

Mm-mm. Don't laugh at the shrinkage.

It's a sign of healthy hair.

Plus, in a minute,
you won't even recognize me.

Cute, huh? I'm telling you,
ain't nobody in Saturdays

rockin' a 'do like mine.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

Why is Sonia Little
rockin' a 'do like mine?

I don't know. Did you tip Jeannette?

No.

Maybe you should've.

Yeah, I see that now.

I can't believe Sonia's over there
rockin' my style.

Here they come. Here they come.

We-B-Girlz.

2-Cute-4-U.

Nice 'do.

Likewise.

Jeannette?

Mm-hmm.

Cool.

Cool.

That's it? Really?

No... no fighting? No hair pulling?

No off-colored remarks
about each other's mothers?

Yeah. You know, a good "yo mama joke"
goes a long way.

- For real.
- Yes.

Ivan, why don't you just stop
being so beautiful?

Simone, could you please refrain

from showering Ivan
with your unwavering admiration?

It only tends to embarrass him

seeing as he feels
the same way about you as well.

Iris, stop talking!

Oh! I knew I'd wear him down.

I knew it! Thank you!

That stare-down with Sonia
was kind of intense.

Don't worry, girl, we have your back.

Trust me. They didn't want to see me
come out of these wings.

They didn't want this fairy dust,
okay, girls?

Girls? Girls!

Come... come here! Listen...

Cal, you still haven't figured
that thing out yet?

My true crime doc is about to come on.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! Let me tell you something.

This thing bongs at me one more time,

the only true crime is gonna be

whoever it hits
when I throw it out the window!

Well, if it's this difficult
programming a Smart TV,

maybe we should've just stuck
with the dumb one.

London, just in time.

Help your father with this TV.

- Again?
- Yes.

Dad, I've shown you how to do this,
like, a thousand times.

Two thousand times.

He's just trying to spare your feelings.

Okay, here, make it 2,001. Go on.

- What?
- Come on, let me see.

- What?
- Ruby.

Turn on the TV.

Of course, London. My pleasure.

Will there be anything else?

Uh, no, Ruby. Thank you.

No. Thank you.

Mm. You hear that? "Thank you."

Now, how hard was that?

It wasn't hard at all.

You know what the problem is?

You kids are too dependent on technology.

You don't have to think for yourselves.

Got your little search engines
to do it for you.

Back in my day, our search engine

was a 20-pound encyclopedia
that doubled as a coffee table.

But... Okay. Well, Dad,
you know what your problem is?

- Hm.
- You're getting old.

- Mm.
- Old and outdated.

Ruby, what's another word
for "old and outdated"?

That's easy. Cal Johnson.

Ha-ha!

I'm old, huh?

I'm not that old.

You sure about that, Cal?

Ooh!

You're lucky you're expensive.

Ruby, turn on the lights.

Ruby, baby, turn on the lights

and play my morning Pretty Boy mix.

Ruby!

You know you hear me, girl.
Turn on the lights!

Quit playin' with me!

- No Ruby?
- Nope.

- No Wi-Fi?
- No Ruby?

Nope. Got rid of both.

But, Dad, why?

Mom, why aren't you saying
anything about this?

Well, because your dad
bought me a hot spot.

Okay, he may be mad, but he ain't crazy.

Removing Wi-Fi and Internet access

has to be a form of child endangerment.

The only thing endangered here
are your minds.

So, from now on,

the Johnson family are strictly analog.

What is that?

- That is a telephone.
- Mm.

A land line.

Alexander Graham Bell ring a bell?

- No.
- What?

And to think we sent you
to private school.

Uh, if you need to send an email,

send a fax instead.

- Facts about what?
- No, a fax.

Facts about what? He's asking.

- Wow.
- Okay, let's just stop here.

- Trying to explain these two-way pagers...
- It's, um...

...might just k*ll 'em.

What is that?

Paris, my girl.

Our girl.

Girl, you went out there

and you start throwin' bolos.
Like, wham! Wham! Wham!

- Wham! Wham!
- Yes.

Wham-Wham, what?

Girl, come on, you know!

The meme, girl. The meme.

That is funny, okay?

Kinda rude. But more funny than rude.

Who made it?

I mean, it's kind of obvious,
Paris, that you made it.

I didn't make that.

Paris, it's okay.

We all know how you get

when you start feeling
a little threatened.

You start doing too much.

Since when do I do too much?

Uh, Moonlight Girls selling cookies
on your block.

You know what?
I really cleaned up that day.

But I'm telling you,
I did not make that meme.

Wait.

Y'all don't think that Sonia thinks
I made the meme, do you?

Yeah, I do.

"Paris when she sees her reflection"?

Girl, you know that. She gotcha.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Sonia done lost her meme-making mind!

This means w*r.

Okay. Right here.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Guess we sent it.

Good job, man.
We're gonna get better next time.

- I know.
- Oh, don't sweat it. Are you still...

- Sup, Dad?
- Mr. Johnson.

Hey, guys. Out there hoopin', huh?

Oh, yeah. I had to school Derek
in a game of HORSE.

Now I'm thirsty like one.

What?

- Dad?
- Hm?

The ice maker ain't working.

Oh, yeah, I know. I disconnected it.

I got rid of all ice-making technology.

- What?
- You're gonna have to make your own.

Make our own what?

Ice. Make your own ice.

- You can do that?
- Yeah.

Yeah, the ice maker is in the box.

What?

Nah. Ain't nothin' in this box
but this old...

bear trap.

Boy, you crazy.
Look, that is an ice tray, Derek.

Okay, sure.

Looks like some sort of t*rture tool.

Where does the ice even go in?

You know, I would love to stay and chat

with you brilliant, young souls,

but this old man needs an old nap.

Have fun, smart guys.

What do we even do with this thing?

Man, I don't... I don't...

Ow!

Man!

Put it down. Put it down!

Let's just go to my house for some ice.

Your father's trying to k*ll us.

Hey! Hey!

Paris Johnson,

may I see you in my office, please?

Thank you, love.

"Love"?

Well, hear, hear!

A summons from
the great Lady Duchess, I see.

Yes!
Perhaps she's inviting you

for a spot of tea
or something of that sort.

'Tis possible,
and if so, I shall indulge.

Ta-ta for now, ladies!

Ta-ta!

Greetings, your Duchessness.

Shall I curtsy before our tea party?

This ain't a tea party, is it?

Hmm.

You wanna answer that?

Without caller ID?

No.

It's probably Mr. Randolph
snitching to the parents

that I blew up his lab yesterday.

You look better without eyebrows anyway.

- Man, I been sayin'. For real!
- Mm.

It's true.

This thing...

Mm.

Mmm.

- Mm!
- Wassup?

- Mm!
- All right, let me put

a little keypad in it.

- Okay, hop on there.
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- That's nasty!
- Hey, hey, hey.

What are y'all doing?

Yo, Dad, good lookin' out.

I think we might have found a banger
with all this old stuff you gave us.

- Mr. Johnson, listen, listen.
- Okay, watch.

Uh!

Yeah!

- That's right. Here we go.
- Listen.

See how you do that? Yeah!

- No, no, that's not what you...
- Uh!

- Boys...
- Hold on. Now, wait.

- Listen, this is the trap version.
- Yeah.

Yeah!

- They got it good.
- Yeah, they sure did!

Now, girls, I've been observing
your meme w*r.

And I must say,
there's been some creative shade

being thrown by the both of you.

Thank you.

But I feel I must intervene.

Because when the Duchess becomes a meme...

...there's a problem.

And you two do know what I do to people
that give me problems at Saturdays.

No.

- Shut...
- Up!

I'm telling you.

She had dozens of those little
shrunken people heads captured on video.

She said that those were the skaters
who dissed her over the years.

Wow. I mean, Duchess is about that life.

Yeah, that "after life."

Wait, so what is up with Sonia?

Is she willing to stop
all this meme madness

for the sake of us
not getting our heads shrunk?

For real! Like, girls,
I love the size of my head.

It's very well proportioned.

I don't know.
She still seemed pretty heated.

Guess we'll just have to see.

Ooh, skates.

We-B.

Iris.

Anyway, this whole meme w*r
has gotten out of hand.

I know. I wish I could just get my...
My little hands, these little whangs,

on the person who started this thing.

It's a jerk move!

For your info, Ivan is not a jerk.

I never said Ivan was a jerk, Iris.

No, but you said...

Uh, never mind.

Yeah. Ivan's not a jerk.

He's just not that smart.

At least not smart enough to orchestrate

a whole meme w*r
between us and 2-Cute-4-U.

- You're right.
- Then you don't know Ivan very well,

because he is brilliant. A genius.

And he could've easily created these memes

to make you and 2-Cute-4-U hate
one another

to give us an edge
in the Golden Skate Competition.

He could do it in his sleep.

Well, he didn't do it in his sleep

because he's afraid of the dark
and scary movies.

Which is why he still sucks his thumb
and sleeps with a night light on.

You girls really should stop
standing around

gossiping about people all day.

It's so... middle school.

"Middle school."

So...

he sleeps with a night light.

The night light, I could see past that.

But the thumb sucking?

Mm-mm. That might be a deal breaker.

I guess it's pretty clear
who started all this meme nonsense.

Ivan. That boy's got my whangs up.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, I have some ideas.

And I assure you
that Ivan "The Incredible" Baker

is going to be dealt with
in a very real way.

Those were the same fingers
that typed those nasty memes.

When the music starts,
you guys have to roll out with me.

How are we supposed to know?

Now, Derek, you put hot sauce on what?

Cereal, man.

Spicy and sweet, okay?

Yeah.

Oh, what's up, Dad?

We're going to the store.
You need anything?

No, no, I'm good, I'm good. But check it.

I'm going to teach you boys
the art of changing a flat tire.

Why?

This can't wait till we get back?

Oh, no, it cannot.

What if you catch a flat
from here to the store, huh?

Uh, then we would just call
roadside assistance.

It comes with the car nowadays.

What if the roadside assistance button
in your car ain't working?

Then we'll just call you,
Big Dawg. Come on.

Guess what? Big Dawg ain't coming.

I'd learn to change a tire
if I were you two.

Uh, but, Dad, don't you need a flat tire
in order to change one?

Oh!

You mean like that flat tire?

I didn't see that coming.

Come on, let the old man show you
how it's done.

It'll only take a minute.

Yeah, just... just a minute.
I almost got it.

I almost got it.
Just... just a little bit. Just...

That's your dad.

I know!

And... voila!

See that?

So, remember, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

All right? You want to work smart,
not hard.

That's how your momma get down.

Yeah, I loosened that for you.

Mm-hmm.

Y'all call me if you need anything else.

All right? I do brakes,
engines, compressors.

Oh, and I also rebuild transmissions.

Bet you didn't know that.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Get that little grease off your chin.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, baby!

Anyway, as the wife just proved,

sometimes you gotta get
your hands dirty, huh?

Not look for the easy way out.

Wi-Fi, GPS, roadside service.

Those are luxuries, all right?
Not necessities.

Now let me show you
how to put the spare on.

Uh, actually...
Uh, Dad, actually, that's okay.

I think we're going to just walk
to the store.

- Yeah, I need to get my steps in.
- Yeah.

Nonsense. It'll only take a second.

Wait... Oh!

Ahh!

Ooh! My bad, Ron!

I bet Mr. Ron calls roadside assistance.

Or your mom's.
I wonder if she does body work.

Sorry, Ron!

Hey, Sonia. Headed home
to make another meme about me?

Actually, yes. But you know what?

This time, I'm gonna make one
about your moms.

Oh, so it's like that?

Yeah, it's just like that,
We-B-a-waste-of-my-time.

Okay, 2-Cute-4-Nobody.

No, how about we just put
an end to all of this?

Let's battle it out.

Sounds good to me.

Next Saturday morning, here,
before the session starts.

Loser drops out
of the Golden Skate Competition.

Let me think about it.

- Bet.
- Bet.

- Well, there it is.
- Well, there it was.

That doesn't even make any sense.

So what?

Oh, and I'll be there.

- Hey, Ruby.
- Yes, Cal?

Play something not old.

- My pleasure, handsome.
- Mm.

Hmm.

"My pleasure, handsome."

I see someone gave in to Ruby.

Put everything back to normal?

Yeah. I figured if you can't beat 'em,
ice a cake.

Oh.

Look at my big man.

Look, being conventional
doesn't mean I'm old.

But hearing the kids say that,
I don't know,

made me feel like, one day,
they won't need me anymore.

Like, I'll be obsolete.

Listen, you can never be obsolete.

All right? I don't care
how tech-savvy these kids get.

They are always going to need
their father.

No, those kids won't be able
to survive without us.

Especially the boy. He struggles.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Sup, parents?
- Hey.

Where are you two off to
this early in the morning?

She asked me to take her to Saturdays.

Yep. And thanks, Dad,
for restoring the Wi-Fi.

I promise to only cut down
my social media presence to...

15... No, I'll be nice. 14 hours a day.

It's a start.

- A very small one, but it's a start.
- Mm.

Oh, I also left you a little
something-something in the freezer.

You're welcome.

- Hmm?
- What is it?

- What is it?
- I don't know.

Wha...

- What?
- He made ice!

Oh!

That's what he left you?

Look how perfect it is.

- Oh.
- That's our boy.

- Oh, yeah. Higher learning.
- That's our boy!

- Hey, Curly Top.
- Oh!

What you doing here?

Mr. Perry.

How you, uh, how you doing?

I was looking for 2-Cute-4-U
and We-B-Girlz.

You know, they were supposed to, uh...

Supposed to be doing that battlin', right?

Well, Duchess got wind of all of that
and give them the boot.

Hey...

Banning them from coming to Saturdays
for the rest of the year.

What? Are you serious?

No, I'm lying.

I'm just being dramatic.

- What...
- Acting is in the blood.

- Okay.
- Look here.

- Uh, Curly Top, look.
- Yeah?

While you're here,
do old Mr. Perry a favor.

- Yeah.
- Run those cones out there

to the middle of the ring for me?

Uh, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

I might even pass out.

You okay, Mr. Perry?
No, I... I got you, man.

- No! I'm lyin' again, boy.
- Man!

I told you I like being dramatic.

Now go on out there.

Mr. Perry?

Mr. Perry?

Is anybody there? Hello?

What's happening? Hello?

To post or not to post.
That is the question.

And it's a very good question.

No, no, no. You can't post this.

You can't post this, okay?

Listen, I... I was wrong, okay?

I was wrong, right?
I should have never made

those memes about you guys.

You know, try to make you turn
against one another.

Okay? And don't take it personal
because it was a joke.

It was a joke.

Simone. Simone, please.

Simone.

You know what, Ivan?

Instead of turning you into a GIF,

we're going to give you a gift.

No posting.

Because like my Auntie Joyce always says,

"You don't have to act a fool
to beat one."

But if you come for us again...

Okay! Okay, okay, okay! Ahh!

What?

What was that?

Okay.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. I got something for them.

Mama!