01x02 - Like a Beached Whale

[bunniefuu]

[Italian rock music playing]

THIS WORLD CAN'T TEAR ME DOWN

["A New Error" by Moderat playing]

YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO STOP EVERYTHING!

SPY-DERMAN

COMIC BOOK STORE

ARCADE

[voice on game] Rebibbia!

Stay calm now.

That's it, dominate.

Block them.
You're the one who's in control.

Here, have yerself a grape.

Keep your muscles loose.
You've got to relax now.

Relax. Had a drink?

Hydrated? Had your mineral salts?

High punch, low punch. Yeah, you got this.

- [groaning on game]
- [Armadillo] He's got nothing on you.

Turn forwards and punch.
Turn forwards and punch, come on.

Behind. In front. Kick! Behind you!

Forward, kick! That's it! That's it!

Yes, splatter him now!
Splatter him now! Yes!

[voice on game] You win!

[Armadillo] Win this,
you're in the final boss.

Concentrate now.
Crush his mucus membranes.

You've been waiting 15 years for this.

Splatter him now! Yeah, splatter him!

Turn forwards and punch!

Get up! Get up, you b*stard!
Get up now! Block!

Low kick! Oriuke!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- You win!

You've been preparing
for this moment your whole life.

Spread your wings!
Do it for your granny, Calcare.

Do this for her
since you sold her dentures to get here.

Let's make sense of all this pain.

- Final Fight!
- [Armadillo] The Gods' Twilight!

Start in three...

two, one.

- [man] Do you mind if I join you?
- [Gollum-like rasp] It's my precious!

- Hang on, I'm right in the Gods' Twilight...
- Thank you.

[beeping on game]

[voice on game] You lose. [laughter]

[man] Sorry, can you give me space?
It's the final boss?

You know that expression
where you're sitting on the riverbank

and a mattress goes past
with your enemy's body lying on it?

Well, this is what it refers to.

When there's a huge guy, who'd
smash your face in if you said anything,

it's best just to sit
on the riverbank and wait.

Get comfortable,
it can take a bit of time.

But maybe in 60 years, he's gotten old,
fallen over, broken his femur.

You see him going by, and scream,

"You little piece of sh*t,
I was in the Gods' Twilight!"

Why would I say something? Isn't he dead?

Yeah, that's why you say it
'cause he's dead.

My riverbank, however,
was always ever the arcade.

I never strayed far from there.

I kept throwing money at it
for the whole afternoon.

Still a loser and feeling frustrated,

and without even one token
to finish that level.

But then something very strange happened.

Of all the mythological beasts
that inhabit the arcade,

and I have no idea why he did,
but he chose me.

What was that expression
from the Gods' Twilight?

Whenever we were picking teams,
I was never picked.

I was always left on my own
next to that dog with no hind legs,

dragging itself along on wheels.

We'll take the dog!

If you leave us with that loser,
you owe us a head start

to make up for it.

- Ow!
- ["Don't Look Back in Anger" playing]

[Zero] Okay, maybe there weren't
that many people there at that time.

Apart from me,

there was just Emilio the perv,
toxic Osso,

and that Filipino man with facial tics

who was blowing his whole salary
on the slot machines.

But he had chosen me.

He gave me the token that I was missing.
We finished the game together.

Oh, we were more than blood brothers.

It might very well have been
the first time in my life

that I felt privileged.

["Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis
continues playing]

[Zero]Yeah, you could say
I didn't understand how privilege worked.

But at 14, if you're not Angela Davis,
what the f*ck do you know?

♪ So Sally can wait ♪

♪ She knows it's too late ♪

♪ As we're walking on by ♪

♪ Her soul slides away ♪

♪ But don't look back in anger ♪

♪ At least not today ♪

The next morning, everything was normal.

When I left home, I thought,
"Let's just get this over and done with."

I'd run out of yoghurt.
That's all I needed to buy.

I left my car
in a specific designated spot

called "parking like a prick,"

'cause I thought, "I'll be in and out,
the supermarket ninja."

"Go in, get yogurt. Pay."

"You won't even see me.
I'll be like a breeze in your hair."

I can't remember exactly what happened,

but at some point,
I must admit, I let myself go.

[strained gasping]

As I approached the checkout, a lady said...

"You do know there are baskets
behind the counter?"

[Zero] She might actually have said...

You know you're going bald
and you're a real arsehole?

[Zero] Because her gestures
and non-verbal communication

could have been taken both ways.

But I think she was talking about
the baskets 'cause they were there.

I did think about it for a moment.

After all, I had got more things than...

You're gonna get a basket
'cause that old bint told you to?

Can't you see she's doing it on purpose
to wear you down?

- It's like the serpent and the apple.
- [hissing]

- Lady, keep your f*cking nose out!
- That was a bit excessive.

Listen, baskets are for old gits.

It's like going round
with a sign that says,

"I'm an old codger
who can't carry a couple of jars."

It's like a wheelie case.

When you sack your backpack
in favour of a wheelie case,

you've turned into the old dear
from Downton Abbey.

Old, haughty,
seems very nice on the telly,

but in real life,
you'd push her down the stairs.

I agree, but I've given myself
45 hernias with my backpack.

You do know that hernias
are a concept that only exist

'cause Big Pharma invested
in the wheelie suitcase sector?

Days gone by, you had backache,
you popped an opium pill and f*cked off.

But I can't. I've got
this straight edge thing going on.

But look around you.

Can't you see that a shopping trolley
is a symbol for parenting?

This puppet show of people
who go around with a stroller,

taking their goods for a walk.

Come on, how sad!
But you're still a young lad.

You're 39. That's not for you.

Don't get ahead of yourself now.
Come on, do the right thing!

[Zero] All this is to say
that people looking at me

didn't seem that strange.

I thought, "They probably envy the fact
that I'm a Jenga champion,

and I've built this obelisk of yoghurt,
sausages and packets of pasta."

- But instead...
- Zero! Me, it is, Maddalena.

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

She could've said so right away!
It was Maddalena, Cesare's mum.

I'd not seen her for donkey's years,
but she does live here.

She's been in Rome for 60 years,

but she still talks
with this Sardinian accent

that's not cultural but genetic.

You can't get rid of it.
Maybe they can operate, I dunno.

Anyway, gotta lotta respect.
Sardinia's great. Great revolution.

I can't do the accent though.

I end up sounding a bit like Yoda,
so don't be offended.

[eerie space music playing]y

[Zero] Whatever. Syntax aside,
She's a true Jedi knight.

[coughing]

So, you saw each other again yesterday,
you did. Told me himself, he did.

- Happy was he.
- [Zero] I don't know what she said.

Because 15 yards from me,
a little boy sneezed

and moved the air in such a way

that it compromised
the stability of my installation.

SODA

[Zero] I got scared.

This shop assistant
with a weasel face hates me

because every time I do this bullshit
of not getting a basket,

I drop everything.

Two months ago, I spilled 70 litres
of peach yoghurt on the floor.

He had to clean it up without saying sh*t.

And I'm sure his boss said to him...

Sit tight, lad. The Law of Discount Shops
says we can't say owt to the customer

the first two times.

The third time,
you can gut him with a fish knife.

[Zero] This is the third time.

I can see him waiting
and caressing something in his pocket.

So maybe help him, you could.
Give him a hand, maybe?

Help him with work, you mean?

How can I? I draw comics.
I work at home on my own.

I really do have a sociopathic job
with no human contact...

Oh, no. Just more at home help him feel.

Out and doing things get him.

Because a bit lost, he is.

A lot of years gone by, they have.

So maybe when out you go,
call him, you can.

[ominous music playing]

[Zero] That's worse!
What am I going to do with him?

I swear I'm not being malicious,

but I really don't know
how to look after people.

Every time someone says to me...

I'm coming to Rome.
Where are you taking me?

I get anxious.
I'd rather sh**t myself in the knee.

[g*n c*ck, g*nsh*t]

[Zero] Do they think
I am an entertainer at Club Med?

Do I have to dress as a centurion,

take you to the Colosseum
with a ball on my nose?

I'm pretty boring.
I don't drink, don't sniff coke.

I always suggest the cinema
'cause you don't have to talk.

Settled, then, it is. This evening,
come for dinner, you can.

Got all I need, I have,
to make Sardinian seadas.

Yeah, 'course I can come and eat at yours.
It's the only thing I'm good at.

Oh, thanking you, thanking you.

Cesare very happy, will be.

I'm sure that good to him, it will do.

[Zero] No, look, really, I'm happy to.

Guys, I'm begging you,
don't leave me to do this on my own.

We've not spoken for almost 20 years.

I don't know what to say to him.
Please come!

I've got loads of work
and sh*t I gotta do, sorry.

I got a meeting tonight
that I really gotta go to.

[sighs heavily] Oh, that sucks!
Is it for your school thing?

Look, I love you very much.

But I told you one thing, and 12 hours
after that, the problems start.

I'm not superstitious,
but you're a bloody sn*per.

- One shot, one k*ll.
- [caws loudly]

Let me scratch for luck.

Oh, come off it,
we're not in the bloody Middle Ages!

No, jokes aside, I don't believe
in these things. You know that.

But it costs nothing
to wait until everything's sorted.

It might be
because I talked to my Grandma.

She loves old wives' tales...

You talked about it
with that black cat who makes comics?

That one's worse than Fukushima,
I'm telling you!

If you care about this job,

you need to rub two ounces
of garlic on his face

and shove a stake through his heart.

Your grandma never really liked me,
did she?

That's because she thinks
you and Secco are bad influences.

Sweetheart, they made you sick
with your sexual tendencies.

Why do you keep going out with those two?

So tell me, then.
Do you know where they went next?

No, I don't know where they went.
I left them.

I'd had enough, but it wasn't an excuse.

You didn't hear them say
what they were planning to do?

What d'ya think I am? Their carer?
They're 40-year-old men!

Because I'm a woman,
I must have a caring job?

Is that really the culture
in our police force? Bravo!

Anyway, I had my own sh*t to do.
That's not so unreasonable.

- Fine, Secco, can you come tonight?
- No, Cesare does my head in.

What do you mean?
You haven't talked to him for 20 years!

When someone does my head in,
they do my head in for 200 years.

That's 180 to go.

Okay, so it's true that in general,

Secco's feelings have
very long expiry dates...

[documentary-style voice]
...b ased on the life expectancy

of whales in Greenland,

which makes him incredibly loyal,
but also incredibly resentful.

[whale moans]

[Zero] I actually think
there was a bit of jealousy brewing.

The kind you get in friendship dynamics
when there's a new element.

You can feel a bit excluded.

You know, those bittersweet moments
from adolescence

that have something tender about them,
but no one wants to admit it.

Like the boy in Stranger Things
with the bowl cut

who cries because his friend f*ck Eleven.

[sobbing gently]

Are you jealous, then?

Are you scared
that he's gonna be my new best fwend?

[mock cries] I'll leave poor little you
all on your own?

- Come on, don't be an arsehole.
- I really don't give a sh*t.

I don't believe you. You're just jealous!

Don't. Give. A. sh*t.

Whatever. At least come
to tear down those shitty posters

that they put back up outside the tube.

They weren't the same.
Look, I took pictures

'cause there's a crazy archivist ghost
inside of me. Here.

These said that along with the Nazis,
there would also be residents.

the neighbourhood parents' committee.

A whole thing
that looked like real people.

It drove me out of my mind.

Hey, I'll go crazy if I can't find out
who the f*ck is supporting this.

Ah, well, I think
you need to ask that person.

[Zero] That person!

I don't know how things work elsewhere,
so I'll explain how they work in Rome.

When you see an outraged citizen
turning on foreigners, the degradation...

Often, we're talking about
people trafficking and dealing,

and they get pissed off

because someone from another country
is treading on their patch.

Then they go targeting random people.

The ones caught in the crossfire
usually have nothing to do with it,

apart from having the wrong skin colour.

Only the w*r
between Italian and foreign dealers

doesn't do well in electoral campaigns,
so they sell it to you as...

The exasperated Italian
who can't take any more of this.

A symbol of that small old world

where nobody locked their doors.

...making them angry at all the foreigners

who've invaded us, pillaged us

and stopped our kids eating pork
for their school dinners.

That's not the case
for the 30 poor people who just arrived.

Maybe they're a pretext
for settling other scores.

But what the f*ck do I know?

[clicks tongue, sighs]

The truth is
that the only way to really find out more

was to go and ask that person,

by going down into the depths of society
into that molten darkness

abandoned by the state,

where the only law that exists
is survival.

[tense music playing]

[booming voice] The restaurant world.

Hey, guys, tell me quickly
as I clock back on in ten minutes.

Today the kitchen is on fire.
There are two of us and 70 bookings.

They're as hungry as the devil's locusts.

- [man] Get more puttanesca!
- [cat yowls]

Lemur friend, let me ask one thing.

Know anything about residents
forming a committee

against the refugee shelter?
Are you dealing with that?

I read that too.
I don't know anything about it.

I don't talk to certain people at all.

Us casual workers in the leisure industry,
subject to prohibition, have a group chat.

But no one has said anything yet.

I don't think there are any conflicts
of interest on that score either.

My lemur friend is great.

I'm in a police station,
you can't have these conversations here.

But once, I met
with a very important government official,

who I'll represent here as a white swan
for the purity his words expressed,

who told me...

[posh voice] Oh, Zerocalcare.

We would like to use your characters
in an institutional campaign

against horrible things
and against nasty people,

because I believe

they are positive examples
for our children

in this world of corruption

where everyone talks about drugs
and getting high.

I swear, I'm no crackpot.

He really asked that.
I realised that for him,

human beings under the age of 40
fall into two categories.

On one side,
we have heinous drug traffickers

who sh**t grannies
and throw puppies off flyovers.

[puppy yelping]

- [tyres screech]
- [g*nf*re]

And on the other, angelic Girl Guides
who work all day

and help toads cross the road
when they clock off.

I said, Look, sir, that isn't
what it's like in the real world."

"It's more complicated."

"It's true that there are monsters,

but I have a friend
who works her arse off at the local shop

but then deals hash because she doesn't
earn enough to pay the rent."

- "It's not all black and white."
- [clears throat]

So, my son is right
that when you say "ice cream,"

it's really code for "ketamine," hm?

Guys, sorry. A huge table
has just arrived. I really need to go.

It's like a w*r in here!

They're like !sis, but with Miley Cyrus
instead of the Koran. Bye. Bye-bye, bye!

- [hubbub in distance]
- [chef] Hmm.

[distant sirens wailing]

Well, we've learned nothing.
I gotta go for dinner at Cesare's.

- Sure you won't come?
- Yeah, in 180 years' time.

I'll put a reminder on my phone.

[squelching ring tone]

It was the producer of the cartoon.
I had to take the call.

- [squelching ring tone]
- [sighs heavily] Hello?

[producer] Zero! How are ya?
[sniffs deeply]

When are you sending summing?

Hi. Uh... look, I've basically done
the preliminary sketches I told you about.

I thought I'd sent them to you.
It's just a matter of time.

It's not true. I've not done sh*t.

I was lying like a cheap rug.

In three days' time,
I'll send an empty email and say to him,

"You didn't you get it?
Maybe the attachment was blocked.""

That way, I get an extra week.

It's all a balancing act

between psychological wear and tear
and the breaking point.

Can I just give you this?

[Zero] My Italian teacher at school
is still waiting for my essay.

[solemn piano music playing]

Can you check? He said
it might've gone straight to spam.

Oh, send them. Everyone's so excited!

[sniffs] There's a lot of enthusiasm,
of electricity!

I've never seen the team like this.

Apart from maybe
when we made that boootiful documentary

about Koalas' retractable penises,
which we later took to Venice.

[playful music playing]

- [koala] Surprise, m*therf*cker!
- [unsheathing]

[gasping]

Well, uh, I wanna send them
by the weekend.

That way we can start showing something,
if that's okay with you,

seeing as I'm being interviewed
by Mauro Crocodile on Wednesday.

Of course! We're sending you there
to launch the project!

We'll create all the hype!
The hashtag is ready to go. [sniffs]

Uh, I actually have a bit
of an issue with that show.

I wanted to talk to you about it,

since there is
this very direct relationship...

Of course! We have to talk about it all.

We're friends
who are building a dream. [sniffs]

Brothers of destiny,
not showbiz bureaucrats.

[sniffs, inhales deeply]

[sirens wailing]

Well, I really wanted to
talk about the cartoon, obviously.

But on the show yesterday,
they did a thing on Dicksville

that was really brutal.

They were asking people
to send my friends to jail.

I wanna be able to defend...

[inhales] Look, you mustn't add anything.
I get you, it's bootiful.

[sniffing] We like you
exactly because you're like that.

You must never change.

So I should make the point, then.

No, keep ya mouth shut! [sniffs]

It's great that you think that way

and you're focusing on
the right thing to do.

But just don't!

Fine. So, what's the point?

Look, I'll tell you how it is. [sniffs]

Your friends are pissing
everyone in this country off.

Much more than even the Inland Revenue.

Then they made this huge mess
and pulled things down.

But we can't be associated
with any of that, got it?

Of course,
I don't want to get you involved.

We're even producing the film
because of how you are.

You have these lofty ideals,

the T-shirt with a skull on it,
all those rebellious things.

My brother-in-law likes ya.

He's the kind of guy who watches
Celebrity Big Brother on Facebook

'cause they voted some baboon off,
and he insults them

because he thinks that Big Brother
really is someone's big brother.

He really likes what you do. Get it, Zero?

You bring people together.
You gotta do that.

Unite, not divide, okay? [sniffs]

So, you think
it would create problems for the film?

No, it would k*ll the film.

If you defend these people,

it's like you're defending the guy
who was suffocating cats on the Internet.

We wouldn't do the cartoon anymore.

We'd do a documentary on the guy
who defended the Dusseldorf m*rder*r.

[sniffs] Now, listen here.

[sniffs] Live with these injustices.
Feel the fire burning inside of ya.

[sniffs] And when you feel
you're about to burst,

keep your f*cking trap shut.

"Keep my f*cking trap shut"?

[sniffs] Have a wank, go to the gym.
However you let off steam.

This is the market. They reward you
when you have something big to say,

but you don't ever, ever say it.

D'you get that?
A big thing, but you don't say it, yeah?

It's how it is. Let's rock and roll, Zero!
Let's all rock and roll!

We're gonna do this cartoon!

[end call beep]

What a f*gg*t.

- [sighs]
- [phone keypad beeps]

♪ Stop now
What's that sound? ♪

♪ Everybody look what's going down ♪

♪ Stop now
What's that sound... ♪

[ticking]

♪ Stop now
What's that sound? ♪

♪ Everybody look what's going down ♪

♪ Stop now
What's that sound? ♪

♪ I am a timebomb ♪

♪ A ticking, ticking, ticking timebomb ♪

♪ I am a timebomb ♪

♪ A ticking, ticking, ticking timebomb ♪

♪ Unattended on the railway station ♪

♪ In the litter at the dancehall ♪

[intercom buzzes]

[Zero] Ah, great decor,
great Sardinian food, great everything.

But a truly terrible dinner.

Maddalena kept bringing out more food,
and I felt under so much pressure,

like my internal organs
were being squashed.

There's a legend that says that in Tibet,

there's a monastery
where Buddhist monks are always singing.

It's not a song.
It's like a litany, like, "Ohm!"

They take turns

because as soon someone stops,
even if it's just for a second,

without that note...

[sneezing]

...the world ends.
That singing keeps the whole planet alive.

[monk sneezes]

I felt the same, only without
the other monks to help me.

It was like I was entrusted
with this task of filling the silence

by talking non-stop. Like...

This pancake is nice. How do you make it?

Who cut your hair like that, Mirketto?

I read there's a toad that changes sex
so it can hump on its own.

Lots of things I didn't give a sh*t about,
but I thought, "If I don't say anything,

the stargate of cosmic embarrassment
would suck us into the sidereal void

for people who have run out
of things to say to each other."

[jaunty music playing]

Every now and again,
Cesare would try and chip in.

He asked me a few questions.

But every time I responded,
it felt like I was breaking his heart,

even though I really didn't want to.

Think Serge'll gimme work
setting up stages again?

[clicks tongue] Fled to Cuba
after getting into debt with Bitcoin.

He sold the statue of Pope John Paul II
in Termini station to a group of Russians.

Now he's a shareholder
in a Caucasian narco-state.

Hmm. So,
do you still go down the arcade, then?

It's closed down.
It is an antiques shop now. I know.

An arcade turning into an antiques shop
is like G*ntrification in reverse.

It's an infestation of OAPs

taking up all the spaces
where people go to have fun.

[game death sound effect]

It's just how it is.

Hmm. Didn't you tell Sarah
to come tonight?

No offence, I'd rather see her than you,
know what I mean?

Uh, no, she was super busy with work.
But she's with a girl now.

She must finish work at some point.
I been waiting 20 years to score with her.

But I don't think you can.
She's with a girl.

She's with a girl today,
but not every day.

She's a l*sbian. She likes p*ssy!

How else can I put it?

What are you saying?
We have unfinished business.

Twenty years have passed,
she changed her mind.

The toad changes sex 40 times in 20 years.

- She decided she doesn't like c*ck.
- [ribbeting]

Fine, tell me about you.

Mum said
you've hit the big time with comics.

I know f*ck all, I've never read them,
but I hear they're all about your life.

Who gives a flying f*ck?
You're hardly Spider-man!

Well, this is a country in disarray.
I'm a symptom, not a cause, I swear.

The decline had started
before I turned up.

Oh, where I was, no-one knew you.

When you want to escape,
you can always check in to rehab.

[Zero] It was him who said it.

I dunno why I didn't wanna say the word.

Perhaps it was because that way
we could keep on pretending

that he'd been somewhere exotic
for the past 20 years.

Somewhere mysterious.

It's like Schrödinger's cat.

Because until you open the box,
it could be anything.

[snow crunching underfoot]

Hey there, dude!

I was in Tibet for 12 years
studying a particular type of fox

that farts out of its armpits
to court females.

[tuneful armpit farting]

Anyway is everything good here?

[reverberating] Check into rehab.

[Zero] When you say that word,
it's like all the other doors close.

[solemn music playing]

[Zero] And only one remains open.

[reverberating] Rehab.

End of.

[gentle sobbing]

I don't wanna make things uncomfortable,

so I try questions
that don't require details.

Are you out for good?
Or do you have to go back? Is it over?

Do you think they had me tied to the bed
foaming at the mouth

for the last 20 years?

Last time I actually took anything
was 15 years ago.

Then I stayed on to help the others.

See what an arse you make of yourself
'cause you don't know sh*t?

Better to stay quiet.

You're like King Charles,
who wants to make an impression,

pretending he knows what goes on
in Welsh mines.

D'ya know King Charles doesn't eat lunch?

Tightarse.

No, well, of course,
but, uh, that's what I meant.

I told everyone I stayed
'cause, at the end of the day,

only people who have gone through it
can understand how to deal with an addict.

But to be honest with ya,

I needed to build
some structure into my life.

Timetables, rules,
things to do, everything.

I need discipline, bro,
or I'd m*rder someone.

[nervously] That makes sense.

I left in October
'cause by that time I was sick of it.

I tried to join the army.
They didn't want me.

I tried everything not to come back here.

Because this place
scared the sh*t out of me.

I don't ask about when you were there.
I dunno if you like talking about it.

The other day,
this image came into my head

of Orpheus asking Eurydice loads
of questions about her experience.

I thought that maybe
it was inappropriate to ask.

I thought all he wanted to do
was to bang her.

Summing you wanna tell me? [laughs]

Cesare, wash your mouth out, you will.

No, no, it's okay.
It was all my fault, I'm sorry.

[Armadillo] Code of Male Prohibitions.
Article 12, literary metaphors.

Article 21, display of tact and delicacy.

Unacceptable for a suburban male.

Unacceptable!

I know, I know. It was an error.

You worry me, let me tell ya.

You're like that loud, chatty,
bookworm of a girl with red hair.

Amber or Anna
or whatever the f*ck her name is.

It came out wrong. What can I say?

[Cesare] Mm-hmm. Okay, okay.
What you up to the next few days?

- Where you taking me?
- Where am I taking you?

I gotta deliver 21 pages by Sunday,
then start writing that cartoon

that's already a huge pain in the arse.

Yeah, I get ya,
but what do you do besides work?

Well, I have to talk with the Kurds
for a book that's due out in April...

But when you're not working.

Who do you go out with?
What d'ya like doing?

What do you do with your life
other than work?

[ominous tone]

[Zero] On the outside, I stay deadpan.

It's a normal question,
"What do you like doing?"

It's legit.

Inside, however,

I feel like the monkey
in 2001: A Space Odyssey

is hitting me in the face
with a mammoth's femur.

[slurring] What the f*ck do I do in life?

Why do I have to think about it?

[grunts]

[Zero] The truth is
that I'm like a beached whale,

I was born that way.

Only when I was a kid,
I had people around me,

prodding me, saying, "Come on."

"Let's go see that show!
Shall we go eat at the beach?"

As if they were giving me a shock
to move me.

But then people get older.
Some have kids, some have work.

Some moved to the Castelli Romani
because it's cheaper

and you can be in Anagnina in 20 minutes...

It's normal.
The world doesn't stay the same forever.

So, I'm still that beached whale,
but with no one to prod me.

All I can do is work.

When you don't work,
you slowly decompose on the beach,

which isn't even a beach anymore,
but a desert

with nothing,

not even reassuring brutalist buildings
from the '80s.

On this optimistic note, let me ask you,

do you think I'm the right person
to take you to live la vida loca?

Oh, come off it! At most, I can spit out
a bit of half-chewed plankton for a snack.

[solemn music playing]

[Zero] He didn't say anything.
I don't know if he pitied me,

or thought that I was bullshitting
'cause I didn't want to take him anywhere.

♪ Some hearts ♪

♪ Made of stone... ♪

[Zero] The fact is,
the evening didn't go that well.

I left his house feeling down
and with a series of promises like...

Let's meet up next week.
We'll have dinner with the others.

Those empty promises
that you make to hint at a near future

because if you stop to think
that there might not actually be a future,

you get anxious.

LUCA I LOVE YOU
MUM

Then, and I know I'm obsessed,
but on my way home,

I was thinking how much
those posters were pissing me off.

Let's see who gives up first.

Me ripping them down,

or them putting them back up.

I was so obsessed
by ripping them down with such vigour

that I hadn't realised the glue was fresh,
and there was a car parked behind me.

[engine revs]

What the f*ck are you doing,
you piece of sh*t?

[electronic whirring]

[Zero] Honestly, let me tell you,
I quickly came to my senses.

My brain quickly analysed all the options

and then printed a report
with the various scenarios.

So, I'll read it aloud to you.

"Option A. Run away, scarper."

Except at least one of 'em
runs faster than you.

But it's an undignified spectacle anyway.
You're a clumsy runner, like Pingu.

And even in tragedy,
you have to find some composure, got that?

"Option B. Screaming and asking for help."

You'll lose all dignity.

If you start screaming,

I'm officially resigning
as your conscience.

I've already seen you cry
at Grey's Anatomy,

I'm not going through
that pain again, please.

"Option C. You take a beating"

Since in options A and B
you also get beat up,

Option C is different only in that

you don't embarrass yourself
by crying and running away.

Basically, you take it
and stay quiet, okay?

Sober, clean, without any frills.

I vote for C.

Anyway, see you
when you wake up in hospital.

You can tell me what you picked,
okay, then? Okay, then.

[electronic whirring]

[Zero] I don't know how much time passed.

It wasn't long,
because I still hadn't decided

and they still hadn't finished
crossing the street when I heard...

[Cesare] Oi, oi! I know him! He's my mate!

He's my mate!

[Zero] Oh my God, my saviour! Cesare!

Guardian angel and avenger in a tracksuit,
saving me in my moment of need!

[superhero action music playing]

That piece of sh*t
is ripping down the posters!

[Zero] Whatever,
I was with my huge friend.

I was feeling very confident.

Also because, as a kid,
Cesare was a threshing machine.

You arsehole, it's you who's been
putting up posters in our neighbourhood!

What the f*ck d'you think you're doing?

You better keep your trap shut.

[Zero] I was puzzled for a second.
"Is Cesare scared?" I thought.

"He'd have pummelled these guys
15 years ago!"

But, Ces, it was them who've been...

Listen, Zero, I don't know if you've
been tearing our posters down,

but I can only save you once.

- You better get the f*ck out of here.
- But I don't understand though.

He's my mate but he's an arsehole.
He's not worth it.

Let's get the f*ck out of here.
I'll talk to him tomorrow.

- [man] Looks an arsehole.
- [Cesare] He's a twat.

[man] You owe him one!

- [Cesare] Let's go. Come on!
- [engine revs]

[tyres squeal]

CHANGE LIFE

[Zero] There's no Orpheus in this story.

["Bits of Kids"
by Stiff Little Fingers playing]

There's just Eurydice going into hell
with no-one to find her.

♪ Broken cities 'n' broken homes... ♪

[Zero] After 20 years,
she goes home alone,

where no one remembers her anymore,

and you're surprised
she's not the same person.

♪ Bits of people who fall apart ♪

♪ In my town... ♪

OOPSIES

♪ And it seems there's nothin' ♪

♪ Anyway ♪

♪ Not here in this town ♪

♪ Everything is only yesterday ♪

♪ And on the way down ♪

♪ And we're gonna be wrong ♪

♪ So we gotta be strong ♪

♪ In our town ♪

♪ Bits of kids ♪

♪ We're always ♪

♪ Bits of kids ♪

♪ It's always ♪

♪ Bits of kids ♪

♪ Today ♪

[music fades out] ♪ Bits of kids ♪

[solemn instrumental music playing]

[music takes on up-tempo rock edge]

[music ends]