02x14 - Intensive Purposes

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my-- Whoa!

[laughing]

Babies!

Babies!

Babies?

Uh, yes, Ms. Marsha Krinkle.

I am authorized to confirm

that several rich adult criminals

have received elective plastic surgery,

à la Theodore Templeton,

-and are presently disguised as babies.
-Babies.

[Benji] But our federal agents
are on top of it

and will be rounding up
all these fake tiny felons

as quickly as we can spot them.

Yeah! Get them, Uncle Benji!

The Shrinkies are no longer our problem
and Baby Love is back!

[cheering]

But how do you spot these crooks in cribs?

Do they look any different?

No, just like regular bab--

So really, any baby
could be a criminal in disguise.

[Benji] We don't wanna start a panic--

Nope, nope. We do not.

But if I was a civilian,

I'd be looking at every toddler I see,

wondering, is this a baby, or one of them?

[groans]

[babies cooing]

Who's ready for some magic?

Oh. A baby party?

Don't hurt me, shrunken crooks!

[crying]

[all clamoring]

♪ Danger looks below all surfaces ♪

♪ Of intensive purposes ♪

I get why you wanna keep Area 51 a secret.

It is cheesy!

Former Bordertown restaurant
turned interrogation facility.

This isn't a place for keeping secrets.

-It's where we make them come out.
-[shouts]

The decor has its uses.

You have a lovely interrogation facility!

-It's been good to me.
-[shrieks]

Play nice with the Homewrecker.

Let us know when you're ready to talk.

Homewrecker?
So you, uh, make families unhappy?

No.

I wreck homes.

With my bulldozer.

Allegedly.

I call creepy cellmate best friend dibs!
I'm Pip.

I love hate mail, thumbtacks,
and any kind of lightning.

Tell me you have an escape plan.

The noodle is churning.

Should we be letting that happen?

You own your own bulldozer?

Where have you been my whole life?

[Boss Baby] Pip!

Ah. You really find the best role models
in the worst places.

Send him a postcard.

We need to make a break-out plan.
What do we have to work with?

Hey! I wanna talk to my lawyer!

And my realtor!

Gonna do some house hunting
after I get out.

Phone's on the other side
of those interrogation rooms.

Let us ask you a few questions,
then you get one phone call.

One.

Okay, I'll call my realtor,
gonna tell him to be a lawyer.

Four phone calls.

-Uh, sir?
-We get one call apiece.

That's four calls to work with!

Yeah, but we'd have to pass through
an interrogation room to get them!

I crack like a chapped lip under pressure!

I'd probably say I'm the Homewrecker.

You could never be him!

No, no, no, I can do this.

I plan these calls right,
we can unleash enough mayhem to escape.

I heard "mayhem." I'm in!

All I heard was my boss.

I'm in!

What? You know I don't want to.

But we're still going to.

Just make your plan already.

Why have we sent no field team
to crush these fake baby Shrinkies?

Way too risky to send in a whole squad.

The whole town's already paranoid
about babies.

And what I have to show you now
is gonna make you feel even worse.

[easy-listening music playing]

[screams] The limp jazz of malls
and day spa commercials!

What? No.

-Aubrey was--
-I'm here!

I was working hard on this presentation

because of how my last one was too scary.

Sorry. I'll brainstorm ten ideas
to make sure I'm never late.

One, rooster DNA pills--

Two through ten,
set your watch five minutes ahead.

Wow. And I thought I was the idea baby!

You're so welcome.

Play the video.

Greetings fellow criminals
who've undergone expensive surgery

to hide out as babies.

Can we adjust the fill, please?

Look at me, I look positively wan!

That voice!

-He is--
-Our friend from the diaper heist.

[Russ] You all know me.

Russ Tisdale,

the man who raised a billion dollars

to build the world's first edible car.

Did I know it was impossible? Of course.

Impossible for him, maybe.

But did that keep me
from accepting millions

based on a lie?

No.

Because I am a dreamer.

And I wanted to buy a dinosaur bone,
and I did!

But today, I dream of something new.

For all we shrunken fugitives
to come together, to organize.

[party horns blowing]

[all shriek]

So now making my presentation funny
is too scary?

Man, corporate life is tough.

No, great initiative. Back to the video.

[Russ] So please, come join me,

in a town I picked out just for us.

And here, where no agents can spot us,
where no law can restrain us,

we will build a baby empire!

[meows]

They're organizing? Here?

Afraid so.

Why are you so calm?

How'd you think I got this footage?

We got a baby on the inside.

Ruby, you're about
the funniest dolphin smuggler I ever met!

What can I say?

-It gave me "porpoise"!
-[both laugh]

Dez managed to infiltrate the group
as Chuzz Lugnuts, dump truck forger.

He's trying to work his way
into Russ Tisdale's inner circle.

If he can get close, we can set Russ up
to get snatched by the feds.

And with their leader gone,
the baby criminal mob will crumble.

I kind of wanted that.

I'll get another.

You sure you don't want me to go first?
I'm the weakest link and the worst liar.

This is a game of strategy.

No good baseball manager
starts his lineup with an easy out.

You lead off with a sure thing.

What about you?

You doze?

Small-time stuff.

Cushion forts, sandcastles.

[Boss Baby whistles]

BRB.

Look out! He's got ten bazookas!

Hit the ground!

Or zero.
I always round up to the nearest ten.

Can I have my interrogation and call now?

What makes someone like you

useful to a criminal fugitive
like Theodore Templeton?

You pick locks?

Drive getaway polo ponies?

My name's easy to spell.
Imagine an I surrounded by PP.

Do you know what a black hole is?

Can you use it in a sentence?

Pip either talks to me,

or he falls in a world
full of nothingness,

like light in a black hole.

Cool!

I guess it all started
when I bought my first bulldozer--

Gonna stop you.

That's the Homewrecker.

I started small,
trying to scratch an itch.

Storage units, crab shacks. I wanted more.

I wanted homes!

Like the Smith Lake house? July?

July? Feels like yesterday.

May I?

Bulldozed. Dozed it.

Dozed with my hands. Old-school dozing.

Rebuilt it, dozed it again.

[mimicking machinery]

Give him his call.

I owe someone an apology.

The government regrets accusing you
of being the Homewrecker.

Please accept this
instead of a fair legal settlement.

Please accept this.

That I'm going to be wrecking your house.

All right. Pip got the plan on base.

Go put it in scoring position.

Um, Mr. Officer, may I please have
my interrogation and phone call?

Nerves of steel, eh?

All right, tough cookie.

I've got just the room for you.

She gonna be okay?

Don't let her "aw, shucks" charm fool you.

That baby's a professional
executive assistant.

If they wanna scare her,

it'll take more than whatever
deep space horror

they've cooked up in that room.

[dogs barking, children's music playing]

Dogs in spaceships!
This is the greatest place I've ever been

and we're best friends now!

[laughing]

I was bummed when the IRS
repossessed my drum sets,

but they just don't get it.

The world's a drum set
to old Jarreau Macintosh.

Mm-hm. Totally.

How are you?

Missed a snap on that romper.
Leave some diaper for the imagination.

Making my move.

Operation Get Super Tight
with Russ Tisdale

and Become His Second-In-Command

is about to kick into high gear

with a Big Baby Shove Save.

Not familiar with the scheme,
love the title.

[cooing]

Pleasure.

Bouillon and bearer bonds...

Excuse me!

We all want face time with the man.

Oh, apologies, friend.

Pa always said I had baseball stakes
for elbows!

Ugh. Blue-collar criminals.

Keep your heads down and scan the QR code

to transfer your crypto
into my digital wallet!

See? Just robbed another bank.

That's how easy it is today.

Excuse me, Mr. Russ Tisdale?

Hey! What are you--?

Well, gosh on grits,

there is so much I could learn!

And I reck-- I-- [audio distorting]

What's happening?

Russ must have a surveillance-scrambling
super magnet on him!

All the rage with paranoid billionaires.

He's about to make his pitch!

We can't lose contact!

Copy that. Take out the super magnet.

Crud on a couch!

Get her out of there! Abort mission!

No!

That degenerate nearly shoved me!

And you saved me.

Huh?

-Oh. I was trying--
-Who are you?

What's your name?

-Aubrey?
-Aubrey.

So reckless.

Like a scuba diver
with a tank full of nothing but hope.

Just what I'm looking for in a Number Two.

Huh?

Let's walk together.

You and me?

You and I.

Huh?

[laughing] Dogs in a spaceship!

So, best friend,

you keep calling Theodore "boss,"

but what's up with Tim?

What's his, like, uh, role in all this?

Tim?

Uh, he's just, like,
the daddy on the trip.

Daddy. So cray.

I know, right?

Well, he's not my real daddy, obviously.

He drives around, pays for stuff.

Seems like he has endless money.

So more like a "god-daddy"?

Exactly!

So Tim is the real crime boss.

Hold on!

No!

You lured me in with dog astronauts,
you ogres!

You've been very helpful.

You may make your call now.

Why are they whispering? Is it about me?

All right, you're up.

Tim Templeton.
I heard some interesting information.

Please don't make me talk to you!
You're so scary!

Relax, you're not talking to me.

You're talking to him.

Time for your nightmare, God-Daddy!

[gasps, then screams]

God-Daddy?

I got you on so much,

your great-grandkids are gonna visit you
in space prison in 2097!

Running syndicates in two countries!

Helping known criminals cross borders,
including Pip the Homewrecker!

Sure! Okay!

I'll tell you anything
if you stop yelling!

Tell me the truth!

There's a secret organization
run by talking business babies!

So you wanna play games, God-Daddy.

That was real!

-Don't tell my brother--
-Want me to get my tiddlywinks?

Do you want me to get my tiddlywinks?

I have no idea how to respond to that!

-[door opens]
-Just got a call.

Your minivan's being towed.

Roxanne!

I guess your interrogation's over?

Go make your call.

[sobbing] Thank you!

You need to pull her out.

I can't now!

She's in Russ' inner circle!

The mission still works,
it's just Aubrey's mission.

Aubrey?

How is she gonna last undercover?

It's too dangerous!

Mom, back me up here.

Don't involve me.

I'm here to squeeze in as much time
with my very busy girls as I can!

I'll be way less busy
once Aubrey takes down Russ.

It's the quickest way to me being able
to retire as a regular baby.

Support your sister.

You said you weren't getting involved!
[groans]

Months of corporate combat lessons

and I get stuck running a company
with family and babies.

[groans] I keep thinking the next bite
will get better and it doesn't.

You've met
our Canadian counterpart, Henri.

[roars]

[chuckles] That's your play?

Keep your hands clean
while your bear gets his paws dirty?

Well, these veins,
they pump Prussian blood.

If there's one thing my ancestors loved,

it's fighting bears without an audience!

[shouting]

[speaks in French]

[in English] We're offering him a deal!

All charges dropped,
your record wiped clean.

You take this deal,
you get your old life back.

You understand what we're offering?

[jubilant jazz music playing]

-[gasps]
-Pump the brakes, fancy Ted.

-Haven't the heard the deal.
-Oh, yeah.

[gasps] Sorry, what's my end of the deal?

Lead us to Dr. Thubbeirhd.

-Who?
-[roars]

Don't play Go Fish with the government.

I'm not, I genuinely--

We need to shut the doctor down

before any more of you
crooked business types babify yourselves.

So I'm asking you again,

will you give us Dr. Thubbeirhd?

[sighs] I assume that's
the plastic surgeon who's--

Hey-h*, criminals!

I'm Dr. Thubbeirhd

and I found a way to shrink
your bones down to baby size!

What?

We need his real name,
an address, whatever.

So I really, really wanna take this deal,

but let's say I got this way
without Dr. Thubbeirhd--

Hard to believe when your old
boardroom pal is a top client.

But don't ask me how it works.

Ask him how it went!

What is up, dark web criminals?

Is that--?

I used to be an adult who did crimes!

Then I saw Dr. Thubbeirhd!

Now I do crimes as a non-suspicious baby!

Sweet!

[both] Bradley?

That's right, bros!

I know how to find Dr. Thubbeirhd.

Wild, right?

The same guy who framed you
for embezzlement

is now the key to your freedom!

Hand me that loofa?

Let's deal!

After I talk to my lawyer.

[phone line ringing]

[Carol] Hello?

Go to Chicago and find Bradley.

-Teddy!
-[Tabitha] Can I come?

Everybody's too nice. I'm dying.

[Carol] Did you find Tim?

He's fine.

We'll meet in Chicago
after I wrap up our breakout plan

with my one call-- Gotta go!
Chicago! Find Bradley!

[rookie agent] Hey! One call only!

What Russ really wants is a hideout

where they won't have to deal
with regular babies.

They're gonna take over
Junior Fancy Junior's store!

You're sure about this?

4:30, when Junior takes
his afternoon energy drink.

Russ told me the whole plan.
I guess we're besties now?

Isn't that cuckoo?

Yes.

It really is cuckoo.

Okay. Yes.

We can wrap this up.

Here's how.

Tabitha works her magic on Uncle Benji,

getting him to Junior Fancy's at 4:40.

Who's my very favorite uncle
in the whole wide world?

Is it me?

Your dad's brother is a fugitive--

I bought suits
for an uncle-niece dinner dance!

Try yours on at Junior Fancy Junior's.

[Tina] When the mob arrives at 4:30...

Sorry, we're closed.

[screams]

...Aubrey has ten minutes

to get Russ into that dressing room
before Benji shows up.

Wow. You have to try this on!

[Tina] You lock him inside,

then you and Dez get your butts
out of there before 4:40.

[all shouting]

All agents to Junior Fancy Junior's!

I found the crime baby's hive!

Hey! Let me out of here!

[Tina] With Russ out, his Shrinkies empire
collapses to be picked off one by one.

How dashing-- [shrieks]

Good plan,

but that's got Aubrey in a den
of real adult criminals.

For ten minutes
and one flattering compliment!

Why does everybody
keep doubting this dynamo?

Your CEO believes in you.

Well, then I believe in me too!

How could you not make the final call?

I was distracted by freedom!
Could've happened to anyone!

-[doorbell rings]
-Not the Homewrecker!

Who I never said goodbye to.
I had to order some robot vacuum duster!

No name or address.

Just says,
"Thanks for cleaning the streets."

-That's thoughtful.
-Oh, wow.

I got astronaut dogs used against me

and I still managed to save Tim
with a prank car tow!

Roxanne!

I don't know that guy!

He could be very nice.

He's not.

He's super mean.

Don't say a word, knuckle ball!

My file says I'm some sick
international crime boss god-daddy.

-And it's all your fault!
-[doorbell rings]

But did that stop me
from making the call to order that?

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Say, can you see
By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hailed... ♪

Who ordered a singing telegram?

That's America's theme song, rookie!

On your feet,
lock your eyes on those wiggly flags!

♪ And the rocket's red glare
The bombs bursting in air... ♪

Do you know how hard it was
to get a singing telegram

to an undisclosed interrogation facility?

Yes, and I'll fix this!

How?

We've whipped them into a euphoria,

but without your hot dog apple pie cart,
they're gonna notice--

Silly robot vacuum!

What, you trying
to let these criminals go?

-I'll think of something?
-[crashing]

Hit the ground!

My spirit dad!

You brought Dozo!

-See?
-You had nothing to do with that!

-[agent 1] It's a breakout!
-[agent 2] Oldest trick in the book!

[Boss Baby] Thank you.

You're not just a homewrecker,
you're a lifesaver.

And now, a whole ding-dang
building wrecker!

[mellow jazz music playing over speakers]

-[knock on door]
-Sorry, we're closed.

[screams]

Hands up, bozo,
or I'll ruin your credit so bad,

you won't be able to rent
a pair of bowling shoes!

Wow. You have to try this on!

Vicuña wool?

Oh, decadent.

No visuals?

I made a device to counteract Russ'
scrambling magnet.

But it would've also set off
every volcano on Earth.

-So we just stuck a monitor in a shoebox.
-[drumming]

Hear that, IRS?

Can't repossess my sense of rhythm!

Try it.

All right, if you insist.

You're doing great.

Thank you!

4:43?

We took too long!
The feds are gonna snag us too!

It is the feds! They're literally here!

-I can't be in here.
-What do we do?

[clamoring]

[groans] No! I told her to set her watch
five minutes ahead!

They need to get out!

I will not go to prison!

They don't know who we are!

Just act like regular babies!

And they're not literally here
unless they're actually in here.

Let's be precise with our language,
okay, Paula?

[babbling and cooing]

You get a lot of unaccompanied
baby customers?

Yes. I mean,
their parents are waiting outside.

Off you go.
Back to your mommies and daddies!

It's falling apart, ma'am!

Russ is getting away!

[Tina] He can't!
This may be our only chance!

I confess!

I may look like a baby,
but for all intensive purposes,

I am a criminal.

The phrase is "intents and purposes."

Calling all agents!
I got two baby criminals!

Don't need backup, just wanted to brag.

[all shouting]

Tina?

I'm so sorry.

No, it's my fault.

And it sounds like
the criminal empire is breaking up.

Just get out of--

[Mako] How did Aubrey
know the feds were coming?

No, no, no! Aubrey, run!

There's only one way
she could've known about the raid.

Give me a transport chupie!

[Paula] Aubrey has the same
intuitive leadership skills

as our poor, apprehended Russ Tisdale!

Guh-guh?

They were besties.

Then why break up this criminal enterprise

when we can simply turn a Number Two
into a Number One?

You can do that?

All in favor of new leader Aubrey,
say aye!

[all] Aye!

Oy.

♪ There's no statue of limitations
On extracting your revenge ♪

♪ He's chomping at the bit
To go nucular, my friend ♪

♪ Prepare your escape goat
Do a three-sixty from this stranger ♪

♪ For danger looks below all surfaces ♪

♪ Of intensive purposes ♪