02x12 - Hate That Baby!

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my-- Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here
Please, find your seating ♪

♪ While you're teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends
I love you, you're hired ♪

♪ So come on and raise
Your juice boxes skyward ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell them who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair
This the family business ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

[Pull-String CEO] I used to believe
in a world of love.

[shrieks, then grumbles]

That was my first mistake.

[whirring]

[Pam] Oh, come on, baby!

[Pull-String CEO]
Some say "love is a rare spice"

and that's why Grandma's
marinara tastes so good.

But last I heard,
Granny's punching license plates

in a Miami prison.

[shrieking]

[amplified shrieking over speakers]

And me, well...

I never liked Italian food.

Lovely to chat with you as well,
Mr. Pull-String.

I assume you've brought
something for the bank?

Hello, you know it.

Peep these Baby Hate numbers...

Mr. Tigglesnooks,
please check today's exchange rate

for Baby Hate and transfer
the appropriate earnings

to Baby Corp's account.

[Mr. Tigglesnooks meowing angrily]

Is there a problem with the numbers?

I assure you, we made a lot
of people really hate babies.

No, they're still cross with me
for making Baby Love worthless

and paying for Baby Hate instead.

They think it's a risky investment,
and kittens hate risk.

Other than climbing tall trees,
frolicking on narrow ledges,

and aggravating larger dogs,
so shall we stop moaning

and play by my rules
in my stolen bank, Mr. Tigglesnooks?

[cash register dings]

Ah! So generous.

We thank you and our CEO thanks you.

[Pull-String CEO]
Hammerface's laid siege to a church!

Get in!

You've earned it.

Throwing your former clients
under the tricycle tires?

The game has changed,
and we always back the winners.

You can't run a business working for free.

[crying]

No-account baby
getting coffee all over me.

Ugh. That is never coming out.

How am I supposed to-- What?

A clean sweater to cover
my coffee-stained uniform?

It's not regulation, but...
Aw, I forgive you.

Boring Baby's feeling
that Baby Love again!

Unbelievable!

My prizewinning beauties,
all ruined by a baby!

[honks]

Or was it a goose?

Well, whatever you are, I'm chasing you!

Baby Hate successfully shifted to goose.

-How's your mission?
-[shrieking]

-Why's the baby gotta be loud?
-Stop!

[Dez] I am deep undercover.

5Searching the incident site
for the source of-- Ah-ha.

[amplified shrieking continues]

-[amplified shrieking stops]
-Oh...

When she shrieks at a lower volume

that baby's pretty sweet! Right?

Thanks for lending me
the high-altitude surveillance.

Been a pleasure being you.

[Boss Baby] Another day,
another zero dollars.

[Tina] All for the love of Baby Love.

[babies crying]

How can I--? You know,
I'll let you finish your meltdown.

Baby Corp defaced your project?

Are you sure your mom
doesn't look like a hairy octopus?

Hear me out. What if we blamed
one armed robbery on you?

Nope! What's our one firm rule
here at Mayonnaise City?

Ugh. No Baby Hate.

-Sorry, the logo's confusing!
-You designed it!

We're the only place
fighting to bring these guys love.

We can't stop, no matter what it costs us.

[Simmons sobbing]

Simmons? You okay?

I'm fine, I just--

I know how short we are on cash.

You're selling your bobblehead
to a collector to help us?

Oh, Simmons.

I wish it was a collector.

This guy Giancarlo Crunch
makes videos of beloved toys

being crushed by monster trucks.

[gasps] Don't you dare!

No matter what it costs us.

Right?

[babies crying]

FYI, there's another
50 babies in line outside.

Looks like we're missing
family dinner again.

Nobody misses family dinner.

-Ouch!
-[crying]

Sorry, he pulled my leg hair.

Why would Biscuits pay out
on hate instead of love?

Love has a holiday!

What does hate have, when rent's due?

He doesn't care about money.
He wants to run us out of business.

No matter how many babies get hurt.

What a jerk!

Taking our house and brainwashing
our pony was one thing--

-Two things!
-You really wanna sass me?

Wait till I'm the one teaching you
how to count to ten on your toes.

[Carol] Teach her to count?

Tina reads graphs better than I do.

What's going on?

-Um, bosses, there's a--
-JJ!

-I'll help with whatever--
-Mommy Time Coupon!

You're using it now?

Don't give me a one-time Mommy Time Coupon

if you don't expect me to use it.
They'll be a minute.

Talk.

I wasn't gonna bring this up
until I decided for sure,

but once we get things back to normal,

I'm thinking about retiring.

-Whoa.
-Retiring?

-Like--?
-Like a regular...

[coos]

So, no more dangerous missions,
or skipping dinner to work overtime?

That's a big decision, Teen-bean.

When Teddy retired
it was way harder than I thought it'd be.

-Really?
-Yeah!

I wasn't used to you being
a goo-brained blob.

I kept leaving you with outlets,

forgetting you didn't know
not to poke them.

Is that why I don't have fingerprints?

That's not going to happen to you.

If you retire, your days will be
filled with stories and snuggles,

and your nights will be lullabied
to a peaceful sleep,

knowing Mommy loves you so much.

I could get used to that.

[baby crying]

Everything's peachy.

Go back to your dinner. [laughs]

How sure are you
about this retirement thing?

Very high 90s.

I think it may be time
to give Crispin what he wants.

What? Give up the business?

This keeps up,
we're out of business anyway.

We make a deal,
maybe Biscuits sets the bank right.

We lose our company,
but we save Baby Love.

-Hmm. No.
-What?

You win, we quit, business ruined!

A hornet's nest
could have ruined your business.

I was hired to ruin the two of you.

Professionally, personally, utterly.

What nonsense performance metric is that?
How would you know when the job's done?

I can tell you when the job's done.

When I watch
the last tiny spark of hope flicker

and drain away from your weeping eyeballs.

Then our game is over.

Till then, friends!

What are you smiling about?

Because we already won!

Biscuits thinks
he's gonna make us give up hope?

Us? As long as this company's
got four walls around it--

[heavy thudding]

Why is there a guy taking
wrecking ball swings at our office?

What?

He made a deal online
with someone from Mayonnaise City!

I wish I had an idea that good.

It was me! I made the deal!

-JJ!
-[thudding continues]

He's gonna knock the place down!
Buy him off!

With what?

-You pay me in stock!
-You're complaining?

You own 98% of the company!

Of a broke company!

I own 98% of zero!

Am I buying him off with air?

Hope he likes mayonnaise.

Why would you make that deal?

We've sold everything!

How are we supposed to stay in business?

Okay, idea.

Hear me out.

We make people hate babies.

No!

Some babies.

-No!
-A few hand-selected--

No Baby Hate!

One baby--

Would you dump the wrath of an entire town

on the head of one toddling infant?

-Depends on who the infant is.
-What did you just say?

Good news, wrecking ball guy
agreed to take the mayonnaise.

and one last practice swing.

So help me, Bad Idea Baby is right.

-[all gasp]
-What?

Why would you say it like that?

We're not making people hate babies!

No, we'll make them hate one baby.

So much that it takes the heat
off the others

and earns us badly needed
bank cash by the wagonload.

So let's make them hate me.

If anyone thinks these two
should not be joined in wedlock by me--

Charla Lazlo, attorney-at-law,
look for my ad on bus stops.

--speak now or forever plead the fifth--
-[crying]

I knew it!

This was doomed from the start! [crying]

Oh!

Who does this tailored
monstrosity belong to?

That baby is banned for life!

This suit is now half-off.

-Now a moment of silence for Bill.
-[spits]

[all gasping]

It was that baby!

Maybe our love is like this
Neapolitan ice cream sandwich.

It'll have its nasty strawberry times
and its boring vanilla times,

but if we give it a chance,

I believe there's sweet chocolate
for both of us in the end.

-It's him again!
-[farts]

-He farted on our love.
-I hate that baby!

Ready another hate payout.

Baby Corp's been so very busy.

[Mr. Tigglesnooks meows]

What do you mean it's not Baby Corp?
Who is it?

Krinkle on the Couch, the voice you trust,

now on furniture you can relate to.

We're sure about this?

You wanna get Tina to cozy,
cuddling regular baby retirement?

You have no idea how much I want that.

This is how you do your part.

I'm joined by the Templetons,

a family whose baby
has been terrorizing the tow-- Ow!

Teddy, no! No biting!

So, what's the skinny with your mini?

Does he act this way
because you're terrible?

No, ma'am.

Look at our other children!

I know how to set the table
for a formal dinner!

[all] Aw!

We're just so powerless
against our terrible Teddy!

Our lives are in ruins!

Our nerves are shattered!

What do we do?

Let's ask our audience!

You in the checkerboard tank top.

It's an argyle sweater vest.

I think if the baby
had some training perhaps-- [yells]

Please! I have a child store!

[Pull-String CEO] When the chips are down,
mercy's a card best played in the dark.

So, what are we to do
with this new prince of naughtiness?

If Boss Baby wishes to suck up
all the Baby Hate,

we must tie a knot
in his twisty slurp-straw.

-No! Oh, bad Teddy!
-Come back here!

Teddy! How could... you?

Actually, it was this bad baby.

Your baby's there.

It's the cutie from the magazine!

-How sweet!
-It is him!

"Fuzzy Feelings Digest." Must be new.

-Think they need writers?
-What? I never posed with--

-Can I get a photo of him and Blizzy?
-I wouldn't.

-He's rotten deep into his bones.
-Nonsense!

Look at his wittle hat!

Say "cheese"!

Aw. What a sweetie.

Luxes!

We knew they would fight back.

We need to up your bad baby game.

How do we go from infantile delinquent
to baby desperado?

Really make them quiver in their boots
when you come-- [gasps]

Riding into town.

Hey, Precious. How's business?

[whinnies]

I've thought about you every day.

You took a journey to self-discovery

and wound up shilling
for a Western-themed dental office?

"Gums A-Blazin'."

Oh, Precious.

[whinnying]

Yes, yes. Dr. Clem sounds like
a real crackup. Mm-hm.

You started writing a one-act play.

We miss you and we need your help.

To take down Crispin Biscuits.

[whinnies angrily]

[lullaby playing on stereo]

When you spot him, I'll crank it,
and no matter what bad thing he's doing,

everyone will be like,
"Oh, the lullaby makes it--"

[Precious yells]

Whoa!

Oh, no. I just replanted
after a goose incident.

I hate that baby and I have
mixed feelings about that horse!

I hate that baby!

Crank the lullabies. Crank them.

-[distorted lullaby playing]
-I am trying, it's broken and haunted.

[horns honking, Boss Baby laughing]

[distorted lullaby continues]

Keep trotting doughnuts,
you beautiful untamed thing.

That's pure loathing
as far as the eye can see.

Delaying my commute
and disrespecting karaoke?

I hate that baby!

Don't you transfer that money,
Mr. Tigglesnooks.

[meowing]

I don't care how much hate he earned.
I want to change the rules again.

[meows]

No, I do not have a Form Z2427 filled out,

nor do I have time for--

[grumbling]

♪ Opa, opa, opa! ♪

♪ They hate you
They hate you ♪

♪ Opa, opa, opa! ♪

♪ They hate your guts ♪

Simmons, I've got
Giancarlo Crunch on the line.

Don't you lay a finger on my Didier.
I'm buying him back.

Then I'm buying
an even bigger monster truck

to crush your truck
so you can know how it feels.

-How's the client backlog, Pip?
-Just one baby.

And he's only here
because he forgot his juice.

-[all cheering]
-Great job.

Well, aren't you all happy.

Aw, did you not get to
see the hope draining from these eyes?

You sure? Look closer.

Ooh. I'm a still a happy peeper.

Hmm. Yes, very amusing eyeball.

You know I'm never going to stop.

I love games with my play-friends.
I could carry on forever.

How many times
do you think you can beat me?

As many as we have to.

Ah. But what if I made it only once?

-What if I offered you...
-[knocking on door]

one final game.

For keepsies.

Just this once more?

Then I'm all yours.

-For keepsies.
-Promise you'll be careful.

Careful's my middle name.

It's Lily.

Welcome, play-friends.

Who wants to play
indoor-hay-maze-water-balloon fight?

Always balloons with this guy.

Silly sourpuss, I filled these balloons
with something sure to thrill you.

Reverse super-concentrated formula.

Ages any baby
into an adult on contact, permanently.

Ugh. Disgusting.

But fair.

I don't want to grow up
into a boring adult

any more than Tina wants
to lose mommy-baby time,

or Boss Baby wants to be
exposed as a grown-up fugitive.

Same danger, same amount of balloons.

But wait, two on one isn't fair at all.

-Hello, hi.
-Hi, hello.

Honestly, Luxes? New low.

The game is what it is.
We always back the winners.

Three on two isn't fair either.

[Pull-String CEO] Keep your reward, mayor.
These pockets ain't hungry.

-Happy?
-No!

Too bad, it's playtime.

Into the maze.

[both gasp]

[shouting and yelling]

I can't believe how close we are.

One good shot away
from getting rid of Crispin for good.

Or one bad shot and I come home to Mommy

as some weirdo adult
she doesn't recognize.

Save that
for your first trip home from college.

We need to change the game.

Got any strategies
for some water tanks and a rusty bucket?

-Not much here to work with.
-This is for Mommy.

Tina!

All right, Crispin Biscuits, listen.

No matter how many times you come at us,

if the game is to make us
lose hope, you can't win.

Hope is what we do.
It's why we started our company.

[Crispin] I told you,
I don't care about your business.

But that's the thing,
our business cares about you.

No matter how bad you are.

We have hope because
we believe no baby is beyond hope.

There's a good baby inside everyone.
We can help you find yours.

Did you mean to spare us,
or do you have terrible aim?

I saw it. Tina's words got to you.

Somewhere inside that cold,
indifferent shell, you have a heart.

Probably just one shared, but still.

Like we said, we back winners.
And Tina's speech?

It positively stank
of big winner attitude.

So you're on our side now?

Hmm. Tentative.
But right now you got the momentum.

Good. What's your skill set?

We are masters of the five largest
Luxembourgian industries.

Banking, fashion modeling, steelwork,

animal snares
involving complex rope knots--

[stammers] Let's use that last one.

Let us help you change, Crispin!

[Crispin] No, thank you. I like me, a lot.

I'm very fun.

[yells]

Is that a pull-string? [yells]

[Pull-String CEO] In every man's gut,
there's a pair of junkyard raccoons.

One's got a honey ham hock,
and the other hasn't eaten in days.

-Tina!
-Two raccoons...

We can make the rope knot snares,
but we don't control who steps into them.

[Pull-String CEO] So who do I trust?

-The one with a belly full of holiday...
-Luxes! I need ammunition.

-Absolutely, sir.
-What?

You double-backstabber,
you switched to our side.

The game changed again.
Our loyalties were tentative.

[screaming]

[Pull-String CEO]
And the reason you're about to--

And there's the hope
draining from your eyes.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

No!

[yells]

-Why is my face dripping regular formula?
-What?

Guess who found a plan
for the rusty bucket?

Take cover!

And guess who also mastered
Luxembourg's fifth-largest industry...

acting!

Hilde, pull!

No!

[whimpering]

-You made me the bait?
-[Crispin] Hello.

Can anyone tell me why I'm in
an indoor hay maze with babies

and a rather puzzling bout of amnesia?

In America?

[groans]

Whee!

Oh, I missed you, chair.

Mr. Tigglesnooks
can draw up the paperwork,

but you wanna do this?

We have no choice.

It's a Baby Love economy again,

and Baby Corp's reputation
with babies has been,

in a word, eaten alive by bears.

[Agnes] Boss Baby, Tina Templeton.

Your company must purchase Baby Corp,
or there will soon be no Baby Corp.

An attractive offer.
But it's not really our call.

Someone owns 98%
of our company's stock options.

Baby Corp, a Mayonnaise City Company.

I like the sound of that.

Hi! Uh, I just wanted to say
you'll be in great hands with Teddy,

and, well, even though I may not
remember any of it,

working with you all
has been the greatest time of my life.

So, yeah, uh, there's cake.

Feeling okay? You wanna do this?

I've never felt better.

[cell phone ringing]

-Benji?
-Turn it on! Channel Eight, I'm on TV!

But the real break in the case
came from this British amnesia patient

with a curiously detailed back tattoo.

Would you repeat the words on your ink
for the folks at home, sir?

Hi. Certainly.
If it helps anyone figure out who I am.

"Fugitive embezzler Theodore Templeton

got experimental plastic surgery
and is hiding out as a baby."

-Oh, no.
-What?

Mommy? I--

I can't yet.

I know.

I... gotta run.

[theme music playing]

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell 'em who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend mythic ♪

♪ Y'all heard the story
But you know what the twist is? ♪

♪ Welcome to the family business
Boss Baby ♪