02x03 - Biscuits Rising

[bunniefuu]

-Hold all my call-- Whoa!
-[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby! ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here?
Please find your seating ♪

♪ While you teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends!
I love you, you're hired! ♪

♪ So come on
And raise your juice boxes skyward! ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire! ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell 'em who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair
This the family business ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Malarkey?
I'm here for the babysitting job.

[babbling]

Hey, little guy.

Wanna be best frie--?

[snoring]

Dream sweetly, babysitter.

Hope I got everyone's order right.
Just kidding, I know I did.

Double apple for Simmons,
no straw for Bad Idea Baby.

I love it here.

Look how happy everybody is.
How can we be losing money?

-You wanna argue with the numbers?
-Yes. Here's where you're wrong.

And nobody likes you.

Everybody's working their diapers off.
How are we not landing clients?

This is bad. Company-collapsing bad.

Puréed-butternut-squash bad.

[sighs] There is one solution.

Don't say a special piggy-face plate.

It does not make the squash taste better.

I'm not saying I like it.

-You definitely won't.
-Try me.

-We have to let an employee go.
-No! I hate it! I hate it so much!

We're just talking about butternut squash.

-Aw, disgusting! Worse than kombucha!
-Not that.

-You bet I don't like it.
-I don't like chopping off my finger,

but if a cobra bit it
and to save my hand...

This metaphor isn't helping.

But we're just telling someone
they can't work here.

Maybe they'll explore a new career,

or early retirement into a family!

[sighs] If there's really no way
around it--

Breathe in, and out.

[Austin groaning over phone]

It's Austin.
He went to a babysitting job this morning.

And I guess I fell asleep.
[chuckling nervously]

Is there more to this story?

When I woke up, the baby was gone.
I think he got inside the walls...

We gotta help.
I've never heard him say this many words.

Who doesn't love
a heroic baby rescue mission?

Enough love to keep the whole team intact?

Austin, the Untitled Templeton Project
is on the job.

No cell service? No concierge? No Wi-Fi?

Did we time travel to 2008
black-and-white grandpappy times?

[baby crying in echoey voice in distance]

[Dez] Ma'am? Sir?

Permission to follow
creepy baby sounds down the hall.

We should all fan out.
This baby could be anywhere.

[crying continues]

[Dez] Uh-oh.

-[door closes]
-[grunts]

-[gasps]
-Hello.

I'm afraid the doors don't open
unless you play with me.

My name is Crispin Biscuits,
and I'm your new play friend.

You did awful things
to your old play friend,

so she hired me to teach you new games.

"She" who?

Hi!

Nannycam No-Filter CEO Baby,

used to be sponsored
by Buttsnuggers Diapers.

So you guys conspired against me,
messed up my retirement,

and stole my favorite pants.

Maybe I just lost them,
but I still blame you for it.

And I know I acted cool, but guess what.
I'm actually angry.

Like hire-a-sadistic-schoolboy-baby-
to-ruin-your-lives angry.

-All those failed client meetings.
-[baby cries]

All the inexplicable no-shows.

-All the suddenly uninterested customers.
-[babbling]

[Boss Baby]
You can't cancel. You had an appointment!

How do you think that happens?

Oh!

You got Biscuited!

So it was that guy
who caused our slump! [groans]

Not my fault, still great at my job.

And heads up, I paid extra
for some, uh, premium life-ruining,

so expect this to get nasty.

Ciao, babies.

Oh. Hello, again. Shall we play now?

I've tailored each room
with activities designed for you.

If you play them,
perhaps you'll find your way out.

But play safely.

Things you do in your room may bring
a pop of torment to someone else.

They won't like you for that.

Pop of torment?

[Crispin] I want you all
to be my best friends, not each other's.

I'm a very jealous baby.

I once had a butterfly friend
who tried to fly away,

so I put him in a spiderweb.
Now I have a spider friend.

That guy's a creep. I love him.

[Crispin over radio]
Welcome to our playdate, Boss Baby.

This room will stimulate
your artistic right brain

and shrivel up your pesky left brain

that does all the boring
business, business, business.

You turned a hotel
into a baby t*rture chamber

to get me to make crafts?

-That makes zero sense.
-Why must things make sense?

-That's very left-brain of you.
-What? Why is there a balloon in the--?

[yells] I hate it here! Yes.

Hey, phone, call...

-Mommy?
-[Boss Baby] Tina!

-Is that you?
-[Tina] Teddy?

Are you out? Is Mommy there?
Does she remember me?

I'm stuck in some awful guest room.
Our phones only connect to each other.

I tried calling
my favorite Thai take-out place.

-[Tina] Why would you--?
-It's the only number I know.

I'm glad we got each other.
I'm stuck in a dumb room too.

[Boss Baby] Does yours also look
like a Day-Glo nightmare?

Nope, just regular.
Hang on, I found a disc.

Play it! We gotta know
what Crispin has in store

-so we can find a way around it.
-[Crispin] Problem solving?

Naughty baby.
I told you not to use that left brain.

-There's another balloon.
-You have balloons?

[Crispin]
Asking for clarification is left-brained.

-It's inflating bigger.
-I think when I do something

against his rules,
it makes your balloon inflate!

[yells] Well, then, stop doing that!
Let me try my disc.

It looks like Crispin's
holding a stool hostage. [gasps]

-It's--
-[Crispin on TV] Bruiser Baby.

The only wee one
who never liked Tina Templeton.

Tell us, what do you really think of Tina?

[babbling]

Hey, not true, my belly button
looks nothing like a corndog!

I don't have to listen to this!

Yes, you do. You very much do have to.

[Tina] No way, man.

Tina!

-[balloon pops]
-Ow!

You have to unmute! Now!

Okay, but why?

[Boss Baby] It's your Crispin game.

He's making you watch
the whole thing uninterrupted!

Great, now you stop reaching
logical conclusions, lefty brain.

Uh, this sitch is like
a trippy emotional bummer, man.

My heart feels like it's full of glue.

Yes, keep thinking like that.

And I'll just endure this for--

Three hours?

What's he trying to do, win Best Picture?

[Bruiser babbling on TV]

-[groans]
-[Boss Baby] Why is my balloon inflat--?

-[balloon pops over phone]
-Ow!

[gasps] The Gullivan-Sullivan-Quibly
Ultra-Genius Test?

Only five people and one octopus
get to take this a year.

That's more of
a regular-genius question, but okay.

-[balloons popping & babies yelling]
-JJ? Pip? Dez? Are you guys okay?

[Crispin] They can't hear you.

-What did you do to them?
-It was you.

When you fill a bubble, they get a pop.

So I can't take
the Gullivan-Sullivan-Quibly?

No, please take it.
You're my new play friend.

And you can't come out to play
until you finish.

-I'm not gonna pop my friends!
-Don't worry,

they won't be your friends much longer.

Ooh!

No. Tests don't make you an ultra-genius.

They just force society to recognize it.

A REM-cycle question?
I could answer that in my sleep.

Tabitha, no. Pencils down.

[groans]

Come on, Crispy, where's my way out?

A jiggy?

See you on the outside, Biscuits.

Leftie, double wings--

Ooh! An edge.

[Dez] "Who are you?

Answer correctly, say it proud,
and out this door you'll be allowed."

So it's a riddle. Who am I?
I am a housekeeping cart.

I am a custodial trolley.
An amenity tumbrel.

A janitorial hand-truck.
Mobile necessity shelves?

"Order a new printer."
Wait. I have to talk to an adult?

On the phone? About something regular?
I thought we were friends, creepy baby.

No, no, I won't pop my friends
just to take a test.

Ugh. But the medal
would look so cool on my backpack.

[groans] Tab, use your genius
to find a way out of here

before you lose your mind

and start narrating
all your decisions out loud.

[groans]

Dude!

Yeah, that was a long shot.

How do I beat you,
you saucer-eyed Dickensian weirdo?

[gasps]

Veggie Zoodles. Chocolaca Cinnacones.
Gigi Gumphrey's Grape Gulpers?

[gasps] He's in the vending room.

Which I can get to, capture the bad guy,
and free everyone, if I just, real quick,

take one little
Gullivan-Sullivan-Quibly test.

Sorry, guys.

No, no, no, come on, please.

-[yelling]
-[phone rings]

-[balloon pops]
-[yells] Sorry, JJ speaking.

[Dez yells] Oh, come on! [yells]
Why does that keep happening?

You heard Crispin!

What we do in our rooms
can cause pops in other rooms.

-[balloon pops]
-[yells]

So not to be rude, but what exactly
are you messing up over there?

[Dez yells] What are you doing wrong?

Nothing. I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle
as fast as I can!

[Dez]
I hope you're enjoying a relaxing hobby

while I go through
a thousand different synonyms

for sanitational handbarrow. [grunts]

-[balloons pop]
-[babies yell]

Sorry, what was that
about toner-cartridge compatibility?

[yells]

There. Can I go?

[Crispin] You're still treating this
like a business transaction.

-That's no way to make art, play friend.
-[balloon pops over phone]

[Tina yells]
Do you think you could try harder?

I paint what I feel!

If you're not gonna give it 100%,

I don't see why I have to listen
to a presentation

on how annoying my sneezes are.

My nostril holes haven't fully formed yet!

-Ugh. Sorry, Teddy.
-[Boss Baby] Why are you saying sorry?

-Why is my balloon inflating?
-[balloon pops over phone]

-Put it back on!
-Fine!

[babbling]

Ugh. You know what the worst part is?

[Boss Baby] Yes! The balloons!

No, even if we do get out of here,

we still have to let an employee go.

Since the whole "baby stuck in the wall"
job was just a faker's fake fake-out.

Baby in the wall. I can't believe it.

I'm inspired!

The music! The colors!

The smells
of a kindergarten-classroom-sink drain!

[Crispin]
Yes. That's how we play craftsies.

[gasps] Yo, Biscuits.

I paid you to trash these dingaroos,
not send them to summer camp.

Shush. Not when I'm having fun

-with my new play friends.
-Hey!

[panting]

[Bruiser babbling on TV]

Ooh. Bruiser, that's a spicy burn.
Tina, go behind your TV!

Leave me. This is where I belong.

Me and my slug-smell hair,
shrill optimism and lizard nostrils.

[Boss Baby] You're great. Bruiser's mean.

Your nostrils are extremely normal.

And we can talk later
about you sending pops to me on purpose.

This is it.
The day you achieve ultra-genius status.

You're talking to yourself,
but that's cool.

Everyone expects ultra-geniuses
to be eccentric.

I passed?

With a perfect score?

[gasps] I'm an ultra-genius!
I can't wait to show everyone--

What?

No!

That is it.
Time to turn Biscuits into toast.

Gotta be Pip's room.
Or a raccoon metal band on tour.

[groans] Not there either.
Oh. Hey, guys, you got in my room.

Cool, cool, cool.
You haven't seen a puzzle piece,

a little downie, color of a doorknob?

Uh, no, but I think you should
not bother with that anymore

and come with us.

-Come with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[balloon pops]

[all yell]

Did you just plié?

Well, a ballet
just doesn't resolve without it-- [gasps]

You fight back against this,
little left-brain slice.

[Pip] No, you can't!

I won't let you lowball me again, Carl!

You give me the specs I asked for,
or I'm walking.

Hang on, kid, I am this close
to getting a 10% rebate.

Yeah, I'm here. There's a good boy.
I'll have Phyllis draw up the paperwork.

Let's hit the links soon
with the wives. [laughs]

Oh, Carl, you dog. All right. Bye-bye.

-What?
-Aha!

Where are you hiding?

-[Tina] Tabitha!
-You guys got out?

So it's about yea big, smooth on one side,

-cardboardy on the other.
-You're never going back in that room, JJ.

You don't need to finish
the jigsaw puzzle.

[in deep voice]
I always finish my jiggies!

Crispin was just broadcasting from here.
He can't have gone too far.

-Gotcha!
-[Boss Baby] Come here!

One of Crispin's scone-buttering lackeys?

-Time to talk, limey!
-Where's the piece?

JJ, stop that!

How do we get out of this hotel?
Who are you?

-Uh, I am a baby, ma'am.
-[all gasp]

Dez?

Dez, yes, I am a baby with a name.

What happened to you?

I was in a dark room
trying to answer a riddle:

"Who are you?"

[Dez] Linoleum. Sedan.
Gargoyle. Gravy? [yells]

Ow! Bike tire! Baby!

Baby?

I am baby?

The world got so new, so confusing.

But I just held on
to the one thing I know is real.

How furious I am that JJ kept popping me.

[in normal voice]
What? You were the one popping me!

We're all back together now.

So let's throw something heavy
through the door

and get our tushes out of this hotel.

[Crispin over vending machine]
I'm so happy.

You still want to play with me.

[sighs] We really don't.

You're just fussy.
Playtime made you thirsty.

But I'm a good friend.

I've stocked the vending machine
full of beverages.

What the--?

I played a very silly game last night.

I tip-toe crept into your office
and watered down

all the special formula
you've been drinking today.

How long before four smart babies
turn into mindless babblers,

and a Boss Baby
grows back up into naughty fugitive

Theodore Templeton?

What is wrong with--? [babbles]

And because I would never want
any of my play friends to feel left out,

I also dribbled a drip-drop
of super-concentrated formula

into that Zipzang Cola Tabitha guzzled.

[babbles] I mean, what?

I so hope you win my antidote

before your smarty-pants brain
gets diaper-dumb babyfied.

Everybody just needs
to get their bottles out?

Huh. Good thing I'm always flush.

It doesn't take money. It takes votes.

I could've bought a sandwich
with those two bits.

You'll find the voting slips
at the bottom.

One round at a time, you get to vote
for your favorite play friend.

Whoever gets the most votes,

your bottle moves one row closer
to dropping free.

We got a "but" incoming.

However...

only five bottles will come out
before this silly machine shuts down.

Which means we'll have one less
play friend when this game is over.

We're not gonna leave a team member
to get baby-brained.

Our company is a family!

[Boss Baby on recording]
We have to let an employee go.

[Tina on recording]
If there's no way around it.

[Boss Baby]
I don't like chopping off my finger,

but if a cobra bit it
and to save my hand--

Really regret that metaphor.

[Crispin] I'm so happy we get to find out
who our least favorite play friend is.

You don't get the pressure
we've been under.

Don't get pressure?

I just tore apart a perfectly clean room
while Dez popped my brains to bits!

Uh-uh! I was the popping victim!

-You were the one--
-It was me.

I popped both of you. And Pip.
A lot. I was trying to save you.

I got a steak
in the icebox with my name on it.

Can we stop squabbling and get to it?

Good point, Pip, or whatever door-to-door
insurance man has possessed Pip.

We need to make sure
all six bottles drop at the same time.

What if we all vote for the person
to our right?

It'll be a tie every round.

If we all voted for the person beside us,

everyone's bottle should move one space--

-Hey!
-[all gasp]

You think I was gonna vote
for this one after all that popping?

Sorry for the false accusations.

I kicked a little
something extra your way.

Thanks!

Ugh! This only works if we stick together!

Says the guy ready to chop one of us off
like a finger.

-It wouldn't have been you.
-Then who would it have been?

-Yeah.
-I don't know.

I'm not great with people being mad at me,
and I am dealing with a lot of that today.

Can't change the tires
when the car's already driving.

We vote with our guts,
let the chips fall where they may.

Ooh! That's the ticket, buddy-boy.

All right. [babbles]

Vote faster.

[Crispin] Oh! I've got tingles.

Hang on and huddle up.

You wanna beat Biscuits? Then trust me.

Hurry now.
Who will be my next play friend?

And who gets left waving baby
bye-bye, bye-bye?

[Crispin giggles]

You voted for a bag of crisps.
You're all so silly.

Do you really all want to turn
into mindless spittle-babies?

Like the man said,
let the chips fall where they may.

Wait, don't squeeze those--

-[bag pops]
-[yells] Oh, that's so scary!

[Crispin yells]

Loud! Very loud!

-We know you're in there, Crispin!
-Stop!

Ooh. I got a puffy one.
Gonna be a real drum-thumper when it goes.

All right, I simply can't bear it!

Yes!

-Right there!
-Bottoms up!

Oh, yeah!

How did you know he was in there?

I'm confused about a lot
of things right now, ma'am.

But I do know the unmistakable sound
of baby hiding inside large object.

I can't believe we beat him
at his own game.

Losing's nothing
but a failure of imagination.

You can't win
playing by the other guy's rules.

Ew, ew!

People drink that?

We kicked your butt, cool creepy guy.

But we're not done playing.

You're still trapped in this hotel,
and I have so many more games to--

[Austin yelling]

Oh, hey, you found the baby.
You guys are good.

So if the Malarkeys don't exist,

you owe me
for the eight hours of babysitting.

Oh, yes, of course.

I wasn't paid to ruin his life.

One must always play fair.
Baby-powder smoke b*mb!

[all coughing]

You know, Austin,
while we're talking technicallys,

you hired our company's services,
so 20% commission?

Yeah, okay.

Ooh, yay, money. So we are definitely
not letting anybody go.

I'm sorry we even considered it.

I can't promise this startup will succeed,

but I can promise
we all rise or fall together.

What did you do?

Their company's stronger than ever!

Don't worry. I always win in the end.

Eh, nah. You're fired.

I'm sorry you're not
a very good play friend.

-Now I can't give you this.
-Give me what? [babbles]

Did you notice your special formula
tasted extra watery today?

No. No, Crispin, give me the--

[babbling]

[gasping]

I paid you.

You work for--

[babbling]

And now we do have one less play friend.

[giggles]

[theme music playing]

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Baby ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell 'em who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

♪ Y'all heard the story
But you know what the twist is? ♪

♪ Welcome to the family business
Boss Baby ♪