04x03 - Green Fever

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

Gabble, look and listen,
that's the key,

See the underbelly glisten.

Listen, gabble!
Not in this dungeon!

Well, maybe hesh could
rap at your party.

Yeah. I haven't picked
a party theme yet, but no.

Well, maybe
I'll just impromptu

A little somethin'
somethin' on the mizzike!

Actually...
You feel me, dog?

Actually, I called to tell you
you're not invited.

Wow. Kind of
a lot less hurtful

If you just hadn't
called at all!

Yeah, but then
you might have shown up.

Ok, bye!

Archie, you believe
the stones on that b*tch?

Hammer, hammer,
toilet slammer!

Archie, what the crap
are you doing?

Be a streak of red
against the gray!

[Grunting]

Virjay:
well, if I had to guess,

I would say it's related
to mad cow disease,

But much more icky.

Yeah!
Rolling down the road!

Is it terminal?

[Flatline beep]

It would appear so, yes.

Is it contagious?

Not airbornely,
but the victims

Bite anyone who
crosses their path...

Not unlike that tragic hound
old yeller.

Did you say victims?
"S?" As in plural?

Oh, yes!
About 20 so far.

And it's vectoring
outward rapidly.

My god!
It's an epidemic!

That's the word
I was looking for.

Wait. How come none
of the infected people

Have bitten you?

I secrete a poison.

Basically, senator,
it's psychosis,

Then paralysis,
then suffocation.

Mmm!
The green fever begins!

There's a name for this?

It's from being away
from trees too long.

Ugh! Something about
carbon... Is it... Dioxide?

Which one do cars make?

Mon. Monoxide.

Right! Right!
So, the other one.

And, uh, no cure for it,
from what they tell me.

You knew
this might happen,

And you sent us
down here anyway?

Actually,
sealab's just a front...

Part of a huge government
experiment to study the disease.

What?

Ice station zebra's
got it.

You saps got it.
Uh, everybody's got it.

You sick b*stards!

Son, uh...
Eeh! Unh...

Will there be
anything else, senator?

No, I'm fine.
Go ahead.

Uh, good luck, doctor.

I have a luncheon
with those lousy democrats.

Mother...

Quinn!
Emergency!

Has another pod
been infected?

No. I haven't found
a party theme yet!

Dammit, woman!

People are choking to death
on their own bile,

And you're yakking
about your birthday party?

Ok, whatever little drama
you've got going on,

Not helping.

[Gibberish]

And none of them
are invited, anyway.

Sufferers!

Come out to play!

Dude, are you sure
these are gonna be
mercy killings?

[Brakes squeal]

Ok, once more...

Would you rather die
a horrible green fever death

Or get a nice, clean pipe
to the temple?

They are nice pipes.
Huh. Right.

Where do you even find
these pipes?

Pipe storage.

You know, I've never
even been down there.

You should.
It's pretty cool.

Hey, hesh!
Seen any fever heads?

No, and I'd better not
see any. H-hey!

Where'd you get
those kick-a*s pipes?

Pipe storage!
Sparks got them!

Damn!

[Gibberish]

Why not? That's how cuba
fixed their A*DS problem.

We're not starting
concentration camps.

That's what
the nazis did.

I tell you who else did it...

The united states
of god bless america!

The japanese internments
were one of the
most shameful of...

You didn't see
any kamikaze planes

Slamming into
the brown derby, did you?

And while
they're in there,

We set them to work
making these little guys.

He's a jazz musician.

You stick them googly eyes
on there,

And trumpets and what all.

Oh, those'll sell, buddy!

The victims have
catastrophic nerve damage,

Then choke to death.

How are they supposed
to carve coconuts?

Where there's a whip,
there's a way.

Go to hell.

Well, what am I gonna do
with all these?

[Gasps] oh, my god.

What?

I just found
my party theme!

Just racks and racks
full of pipes?

Dude, it's a whole pod
full of pipes!

How do you know?
You haven't been.

You haven't been!
Well...

F-f-from what you told me...

Ok,
just don't act like

You're this big pipe-storage
expert all the time.

Jeez! Ok!
Ok?

Because you're not!

But you can't just leave!

Oh, quite to
the contrary, sir.

Will I even wear these?

But we've gotta
find a cure!

Tilting at windmills!
Or at least contain it!

My advice to you
is this...

I certainly don't need
my tuxedo.

What's your advice?
Oh.

I would try to somehow trick
the infected people

Into going outside.
What?

Tell them there's
medicine out there

Or candy... Whatever.
They don't know.

So they'll drown?

It's not
a bad way to go.

A peaceful feeling comes
over you... Like a binky.

Rot in hell,
you coward!

[Screaming in background]

On the other hand,
if there's a formal event

And I have to rent a tuxedo,
I shall be furious,

And that really sends
my poison glands into overdrive.

Now, "plumber" is actually
from the latin root "plumbum,"

Because the romans used
lead pipes

For all their plumbing needs.

No way!
That's why...

That's why lead is pb
on the periodic table!

Hey!
I'm telling it!

Since when are you
pipe history maven?

Since I took
the pipe-storage tour

And rented
the headphones, a*s!

How was that?
Frickin' awesome!

Frickin' awesome!

You knew
it was gonna be.

Back! Stay back!

Help!

[Groaning]
somebody please!

Stay back!
Help!

Back!
Stay back!

Help!

[Dolphin noises]

[Dolphin noises]

Quinn: help!

That sounds like quinn
getting chased

By a mob of fever heads!

We should go bash them
with our pipes!

Quinn: help!

Yeah, but now,
I'm kinda thinking

That my pipe is, like,
pristine.

Yeah. I don't want
brains all over it.

Well, what's the big deal?

We just stretch big rubbers
over our pipes

To keep the brains off them!

Quinn: help!

I don't super-want
condom lube all over it,

Either, though.

What if we put nonlubricated
condoms on the pipes

And then
the lubricated ones over those?

What? Why even bother
with the lubed one

If there's already one
on the pipe?

God! Ever since
you got that pipe,

You've just been
the biggest b*tch!

Hey! Don't cuss
in front of my pipe!

Well, I don't know,
it's... I feel chubby.

Promise you please won't take
this the wrong way?

Please don't insult me.

You are chubby.
Aww.

But it's endearing.

Infected people!
They're everywhere!

Almost got bitten!

Those freaks are out there
actually biting people?

Yeah. I barely made it.

Don't they realize
I have guests coming?

Oh, crap, that's right.
Debbie's party!

Yeah. We should motor.
Hop in, hesh.

Uh, hesh wasn't
really invited.

What are you talking about?
Everybody's invited.

Dude, she went through
the phone book.

You gonna hit me
when I'm low?

[Loud thuds]

k*ll them.
k*ll them all!

Well, then, call
the police on them!

The police?

Coast guard.
Whatever!

Debbie, their brains and
lungs are turning to jelly!

It's not really
the coast guard's bailiwick.

It's not their bag.

But they're going
to ruin my party!

They're going to die
a horrible death!

Wait. When?

Well, considering
the shockingly
rapid course

Of the fever,
I'd say probably
within the hour.

Because the invitation
said 9:00,

But people probably won't
come until tennish...

Not the cool ones,
anyway.

[Brakes screeching]

Hello, shirl!
My cat has cancer!

Shirley,
I swear to god!

Dude, there's a frickin' pile
of dead bodies out there.

Shanks, be a lamb
and drag the corpses
out of sight for me.

mele kalikimaka!

And put a damn shirt on,
fatty!

Aw, go empty
your catheter bag.

I'm not crippled!

You're fixin' to be!

How can you be
so damn selfish?

Because how many times
do I turn 30?

Well, according to
your driver's license,

I'd have to say 5.

Hesh: aw, damn!
No, he didn't!

I know my man ain't
just gonna climb

All up on top
of shorty's grill

And put down a flag that says,
"bap! 5, Bizziatch!"

Ahem.

You tried to sneak hesh
into my party?

No! Hesh who?

Hepplewhite.
Shut up.

That's his last name...
Hepplewhite.

Ok, that friggin' does it!
All of you, out!

You too,
mr. Look-in-my-purse!

He was probably looking
for his ba*ls!

Fine. I'm tired of that


Aww, damn!
I guess he found them.

[Bleep] you, you [bleep]
mother [bleep].

Well...

[Engine starts]

This has been
a lovely evening.

Would you just drive?

Thanks for having us.

Hesh: frickin' awesome!

Where are they going?

I kicked them out,
the b*stards.

Are people
showing up yet?

Nah. Everybody's dead.

This is great!

Yeah, it's good to be
a main character.

[Crying] no!
My party's ruined!

This is my worst


Aw, don't be sad, sugar.

I'm here, and I got you
a little birthday present.

You did?

Ta-da!

What possible use...

Could I have for that?