03x08 - ASHDTV

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

Ahh. I wish
something would happen

That would make today
really different.

Hey, can you
sign for this?

Not if it's another subpoena.

[Rimshot]

No. It says here

It's an asteroid smasher/
high definition television.

Hdtv? Are you kidding me?

No.

Hell, yeah.
I'll sign for it.

Right about where it
says spacelab, please.

Uh, spacelab?

This is spacelab, right?

Oh, yeah.
Totally.

♪ Be-boo-boo ♪

There go some space fish
right now.

Well, I'll be dipped.

Ok. Thanks,
mr. "Space stormy."

Hey, you bet.

Out of the way, sparks!

We can't see the tv.

And I don't want to miss

One crazy minute of
sabado muy loco.

Well, we're not watching it
on this piece of crap.

[All talking at once]

Oh, I appreciate
you letting me do that.

Hey, you bet.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the ashdtv.

[All talking at once]

This is
my kind of tv!

Welcome to the future.

sabado muy loco!

Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Bienvenidos!

Wow, that's
a sharp picture!

Huh. Did I tell you
or did I tell you?

Marco, what's
don gordissimo saying?

I don't know.
It's in spanish.

Hey, has anyone seen... Whoa.

Where did that come from?

I, uh, bought it.

How could you afford it?

Selling pot.

That's it.
Just selling pot.

And who says
crime don't pay?

Batman.

Huh. Well, don't stay up
all night watching it.

[Speaking spanish]

He is such a flaming
tightass.

Well, I just got off
the space phone with o.p.s,

And they said it was
signed for by space stormy.

Why would I sign
for something that
I didn't even get?

Why do you 99% of
the stupid [bleep] you do?

Exactly.

Well, somebody's got
our ashdtv,

And unless we find it,

Earth will be destroyed

By that giant asteroid.

Meanwhile,
back at sealab...

Tonight on "dr. Phrill,"

Meet 12-year-old tiffany,

Who suffers from nature's
cruelest joke, progeria.

All: aww.

So we gave her a makeover.

[Cheering]

I feel pretty.

Pretty damn old-looking.

Change it!

Show me
flexible sigmoidoscope.

[Ding]
[cheering]

Hot-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.
Delicious.

Finally, some
animated programming

For my demographic.

If we refinance at 5.5,

Which is totally doable,

Our monthly payment's
going to go down
considerably.

[Laughter]

Suckin' it.

Hi, everybody!

[Cough]

Ow! Why did
you do that?

Hey, kid.
Tilt and pinch.

Wow, it's orid!

If the bleeding doesn't
stop in 5 minutes,

Try rubbing your eyes
with a pickle.

Today, I am
a reverse wolverine!

Take that, you dirty n*zi.
Wolverine!

Yah!
Uhh!

No, she wouldn't want
to go on like this.

Let's remove
the feeding tube.

And replace it with some zesty
onion wings from grizzlebee's!

You know, she does
look happier.

[Howling]

Amazing.
I can't believe
we ever watched

Crappy old
regular tv.

I know, right? Ha.
I am so the man.

I almost want
to mount you.

I'll mount him
if somebody else
goes for popcorn.

Hey, hey.
Y'all ever had wopcorn?

That's popcorn with
chocolate-covered
malted milk ba*ls

All mixed up in it.

[All talking at once]

Well, then, get ready
to step up to flavor.

Milk ba*ls.
Milk ba*ls.

Where's those damn
milk ba*ls?

Sealab, come in.
This is spacelab.

Hey, what you know,
spaceman?

Listen, did you idiots get
an ashdtv delivered to you
by mistake?

The asteroid smasher/
high definition television.

Uses powerful... Rays
to disintegrate... Through it.

Now, how the hell can
a tv cure hemorrhoids?

I said "asteroids."

And why are you talking
so darn slow?

I'm not.
There's a delay
in the transmission.

[Both talking at once]

Keep it on the road, spaceman.

Immediately, the earth
will be destroyed.

No, no! Don't walk away!

The asteroid, which spacelab
has dubbed the hellstone,

Is scheduled to smash into
the earth,

Obliterating the entire
population at midnight tonight.

An up-to-the-minute update,

Plus the post-apocalyptic
weather forecast,

At 11:00.

Now, back to
grace and will."

Hey, grace, what
do you think of my
halloween costume?

What are you going as?

A butt pirate.
[Laughter]

Mark my words, gentlemen.


We'll look back on that show

With the same disgust
with which we remember
amos 'n' andy.

And what is all
the tacky stuff all
over the fabulous tv?

It's not a tv,
g*y guy lance.

It's our new god!

Oh, god.
You people will
worship anything.

What do you mean "you people"?

Whatever! Snip-snap.
Wah-wah!

Marco, will it answer
our prayers?

Ask and it shall
deliver unto thee.

Tv god,
I want porno bloopers.

Give it to me, baby. Yeah.

[Coughs]

Oh, god, cut.

Dammit!

Ha ha ha! Cut!

h*-h*, holy crap!
Debbie, that's you!

Oh, my god!
I'm on television!

Wow, your boobs
look so real.

They are real.

[Laughter]

Yeah, right.

Oh, my god.
Look at that guy's...

p*nis?

What?

Did you say
"a giant p*nis"?

No, I said a giant asteroid.

'Cause I thought
you said "p*nis."

How could a giant p*nis
be hurtling toward earth?

That's why
I was like, "p*nis?

What's he talking about?
Giant p*nis?"

Who's got a giant p*nis?

Nobody.

Hey, speak for
yourself...

Sock hop.

Hi. I'm space debbie.

Woman, I'm trying...

Hey, stranger,
check these out.

No, don't!
We're in a vacuum!

Uhh... Aah!

Oh, my god!

Damn it.
I made plans to hit that.

Look, are you sure you people
don't have the ashdtv?

Wait, did you say
"ashdtv"?

Yes!

Ha ha. 'Cause I thought
you said "vag*na."

What? How could a vag*na

Save the world from
a giant asteroid?

That's why
I was like, "vag*na?

What's he talking about?
A vag*na?"

Who's got a vag*na?

Nobody.

But I thought you
said "p*nis," see,

Instead of
"asteroid."

Hey, stranger,
check these out.

No, don't!
We're in a vacuum!

Uhh... Aah!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Yeah. That is
a terrible way to die.

No. What was he doing
with boobs?

Don't ask.

Damn.

Anyway,
we got the ashdtv.

Are you serious?

That's what you said, right?

Yes!

'Cause it sounded like
you said

You like penises better
than ice cream.

Ashdtv!

Yeah, we got that.

Trish took my lipstick.

And though we lay
this good woman's body to rest,

We take comfort in
the knowledge that...

Grizzlebee's nachos
just got cheesier.

[Cheering]

Bring a notarized
death certificate

Into any
participating grizzlebee's

And receive a free order of
salsa cookie bread.

Dining-room only.

Come on, let's go
outside to play.

Hold it
right there, kids.

Hey, look!
It's claybor!

You don't want
to go outside, kids.

You could get r*ped
by a clown.

Gosh, we weren't even
thinking about a**l r*pe.

That was the farthest thing
from our minds.

But now that you say it,
it makes perfect sense.

Hey, rich black guy
who adopted me

'Cause my mom's
a crackhead,

Wasabi, you feel me?

Hesh prince, baby!

As the asteroid enters
earth's gravitational field,

It will accel...

g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y,
g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y.

[Laughter]

Somebody tell me
how that's funny.

He's g*y.

Hey, is that g*y fellow
doing stuff?

Damn! The wopcorn!

[All talking at once]
idiot!

Ok, sealab.

We know you've
got the ashdtv.

[All talking at once]

Hey, spaceman.

Now, listen up.

All you have to do is
take the ashdtv to the surface

And point it at 19 degrees...

Talk about g*y.
Change it.

Aww! Oh!

Look at the puppies.

Hey, I found some wopcorn.

Ha ha!
[Gulps]

[Spits]
uhh! That's cat dookie!

Listen up, people.

I just got off
with spacelab,
and we...

Quinn, look! Puppies!

Look at that little fat one.

Aww, he's got
a little belly,
doesn't he?

All: aww.

Would you people
shut the hell up?

Hey, quinn,
I ate cat dookie.

Way to go, idiots.

All you had to do was

Point the damn tv
at the asteroid,

But I guess that was
too much trouble.

Now it's too late,
so have fun dying.

Hey, go back to the puppies.



Just moments away now.

What a bunch of
freakin' idiots.

Now everybody's dead.

Um, I'm not.
Somehow, I'm still
clinging...

[Sighs]

Ghhh... Uhh!

H-hey! Check out the rack
on space quinn!

Aah!
Hi, everybody!

Hot-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.
Delicious.