03x07 - Tornado Shanks

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

[Whistle blows]

Announcer:
sacred savories at stake
in the great spice wars

As rebel forces,
led by captain murphy...

Hey! Hey,
check it out.

Captain murphy is
on the news again.

God, I hope he's ok.

Speaking of captains,

I wonder when they're
going to send us
a replacement.

Ouch!
Ohh.

Now, that's some
leather poppin'.

Head on a swivel,
you're shootin'
them hips,

And you're poppin'!
All right!

What?
Breakdown!

Who... Who are you?
Tornado shanks.

I coach football
and teach health
and hygiene.

Yeah, but what
are you doing here?

Slapped a kid.

Well, more like
punched him
in the throat,

But short story shorter,
school board fired
my a*s,

And so I answered
y'all's ad in the paper.

That ad was for
a line officer

With 10 years
of command experience

At an underwater
research facility.

Breakdown!

Look, obviously there's
been a misunderstanding.

The last thing we need
around here is a football coach.

Well, missy,
say it's third and 4
in the red zone,

And you're looking
at a 5-3 weak
side stack

With 'backers
showing blitz.

Do you option
or fake a 32 dive
and hit the slotback?

Neither. Exactly.


And that's why
you need a coach,
and that's why I'm him.

Well, then,
can I be head cheerleader?

No! There's
no football team.

Quit oppressing her.

Honey, you just cheer
your pretty little
head off.

Because I cheered
in high school,

But I wasn't, you know,
squad leader.

Look, what is it, shanks?

I went to norfolk high.

Wait. Here.
This is a research...

Ready? We don't drink,
and we don't smoke.

Norfolk! Norfolk!

That's the spirit.
Now go get you some
pom poms and lollipops.

We don't drink,
and we don't smoke...

Oh, son, I can smell it.

We're gonna have a great
football team this year.

No, we're not, because
nobody here is dumb enough
to play football for you.

Ready to play football
for you, sir!

Breakdown!
That's it.

I'm calling security.

Hellfire,
that reminds me.

[Whistle blows]

Former security guards
reporting, sir!

Oh, man.

Breakdown!

Hoo-ah!

Damn straight,
hoo-ah,

'Cause fundamentals
win ballgames.

I can't feel my feet.

And just like
in football,

There's fundamentals
in health and hygiene.

For example, this here's
the plumbing inside a woman.

Now, does anybody in here
wanna be a gynocolologist?

Ain't no reason to learn it.
Fact, football team's excused.

[Team whooping]

Hit them sleds
till you puke.

Then I'll be down there
for skelly drill.

Son, I know you don't
want to sit in here

And look at fallopian tubes
any more than I do.

And you don't have to,

If you just suit up
and play ball for me.

That's ridiculous.
I'm a scientist.

Well, hell,
quarterbacking is a science.

Uhh! Get...
I don't know... Sparks.

Ow. Ow!

Please be still.

I have to
screw these bolts in
very, very tightly.

[Speaking gibberish]

Oops. Pierced the brain.

I'll just back that out.

Ah! Damn it,
you [bleep]ing as*h*le!

Oh, really?

[Speaking gibberish]

Well,
what about hesh?

Yay! Go, team!

Come on, defense!
Hip hip hooray!

Daddy mack'll
make you jump, jump!

Now, look, son,
we could sit here
and set up sight gags

Till the cows come home,

But I need a q.b.
To anchor my team.

Well, seek,
and ye shall find, baby.

Debbie?

Darling,
maybe you'd be happier

In a cheerleading
capacity.

Yay!

I'd be happier if you scrap
that tired-a*s box
formation.

The box is
a proven winner.

Yeah, back in the forties.

And into
the early fifties.

Honey, you got to go pro set
with the trips wide

If I'm gonna run and g*n.

Run and g*n?

Sugar, can you even
throw that thing?
Ohh!

How you think
I won the heisman trophy?

Wait... You're
heisman trophy
winner debbie love?

Last time I checked.

Well, welcome
aboard, darling.

No, I just meant
it's lucky that you
already have a chair...

With wheels.

Yeah. Now go to hell.

Would a cheer
cheer you up?

Go to hell.

Ready? Ok!

Lean to the left!
Lean to the right!

I can't lean,
you stupid b*tch!

Well, excuse me
for having some spirit.

What are you wearing?

It's to keep my head
perfectly still.

No, you.

I know,
it's totally hot, right?

Has everybody
gone crazy?

This is
a research station,

Not some
stupid football
pep rally thing!

The pep rally!

[Sighs]

Could, uh,
you scratch my nose, please?

No.

[Sighs]

Peel your banana
and take a bite!

[Whooping]

Quiet down. Quiet down.

Now, thanks to heisman
trophy winner
debbie love,

We got us a powerful
new pro set offense.

And inexplicably,
after just 3 days of practice,

Y'all are
a great football team.

Seriously, though,
knock off that damn barking.

Now, this right here is
why I've been driving
y'all so hard.

The marianas trench prison
for criminally insane
robots.

Ooh, child!
Oh, jesus!

Robots so evil and deadly,

They were banished
to the deepest spot on earth.

We're not playing them,
are we?

No, we're playing
the guards.

[Team gasping,
talking at once]

Now, hazin',
the warden over there,

Thinks he's got his self
a football team.

And they've challenged us
to a game.

Sealab, we are going
to destroy you.

Yay!

So, who's ready
to play those robot
prison football guards?

Well, heisman trophy winner
debbie love

Don't take that sort
of trash talk

From some giant k*ller robot
with laser beam eyes

And tank treads for feet.
Now, who's with me?

I say, can I get
a tight end?

Good, 'cause they're
on their way over.

[Voices talking at once]

Hey, hey, hey, pipe down.
We're almost there.

Let's get those game faces on,
people.

How's this, coach?

Figure of speech, jamie.

Yay! Hip-hip hooray!
Go, team!

Wait for my cadence.

Come on, defense!

I'm head cheerleader!

And I don't know how
they're gonna play
like that.

Who is grabbing my a*s
back there?

Is it me?

I don't know.
Do that again.

What, uh, that?

Yes. Now keep doing it.

Knock off the grab-a*s,
waters.

I like it.

Rub, rub, rub
my robot a*s.

Hazin'.
Shanks.

All right, then,
let's play some ball.

Uhh!
How are we supposed
to play like this?

Son, that's why
we got the shrink ray.

Uh! Hang on, robots!

Hang on, men!

I'm tingling!

I can't feel my pee-pee!

Holy bejesus!

Yep, we're pretty small.

All right,
now, if we win the toss...

Crush formation right on 3.

Coach, they're
twice as big as us.

Can't we shrink them down
a little more?

No, the shrink ray...
Everything shrinks
the same relative size,

Something about science
or atoms...

You better get a grip.

Heisman trophy winner
debbie love ain't about
getting her neck broke.

You feel me?

I'm not playing
if debbie's not.

Line 'em up
for kickoff, coach.

[Team protesting]

We can't see that
happening.

Well, men, it breaks my heart
to bring this up,

But that damn
robot coach hazin',

He... He m*rder*d my parents.

What?
Horrible!

Right in front of my eyes.

Do you need a hug?

So, it was either
become batman
or a football coach

Who would one day
lead a ragtag bunch
of heroes to victory

Against their k*ller,
who also happened to be
a football coach.

So, if you can't do it for me,

If you can't even do it
for yourselves,

Then for god's sakes,
do it for my dead-a*s
m*rder*d parents.

Come on, y'all!

[Whooping]

Whoa!

Malfunction. Malfunction.

Reverse shrink ray!

What in sam hill
are you doing?

Playing this fascinating game.

The tiny players mimic
the movement of isotopes
in a weak magnetic field

Simply by applying electricity.

Would you turn
that damn thing off?

[Shouting]

Everybody ok?

[Talking at once]

Ok, then,
let's whup some a*s, babies!

[Whooping]

Uh, excuse me...

Get out of here,
you damn parent k*ller!

Aw, man, did he say that?

He makes something up
like that every game,
you know that?

Uh-uh. I know you ain't
calling tornado shanks
a liar.

One time he said
I r*ped his parents.

Another time he said
I k*lled his dog.

And one time he said
I made his dog r*pe his parents.

Wait. Why should we
believe you?

Well, don't take my word
for it.

Howdy. We're mr.
And mrs. Tornado shanks, sr.

This here is our dog shep,
and he wouldn't r*pe a flea.

Ha ha ha! Would you, boy?

[Barks]

Our little tornado likes to,
well, stretch the truth.

We're trying to play
a football game here.

Why don't you go stick
your nose in a bucket,
dadgum sissy.

Who you calling a sissy?

Any man who don't go out
for the football team
is a big, fat sissy.

[Everyone shouting]

Sissy! Fat sissy!

God sakes alive!
He's gonna k*ll us all!

Reverse, shrink ray!
Reverse!

I said, you're
the biggest, fattest,
sissiest sissy pants

That ever
sissied at the big,
fat sissy pickers' ball!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, thank heaven
we made it!

What are y'all doing
regular size?

Get back down there
and play ball.

Your stupid foot
crushed everybody.

They're dead.

And you got some explaining
to do, coach fibby man.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
All the robots
are dead?

And a bunch of our guys.

And your parents.

But for sure
the robots?

Yes. Now...

That means
they forfeit.
We're un-de-feated.

I am so proud, i...
Aw, sh**t, I'm
choking up.

Well, do it
on the way out.

I'm relieving you
of your command,

And I want you off
my research station.

Well, I'd sure like
to oblige you,

But I've got
a damn contract.

What are you
talking about?

I'm your new captain,
and I'm here to stay.

So all of y'all best
get your heads

Around that little piece
of cheese right now!

[Talking at once]

And I realize a lot of
y'all ain't gonna like
the way I do things.

Sure as shootin',
right when I walk
out of here,

Y'all will be mincing
back to your chat rooms

And message boards
and sissified little
blogs,

Just a-cryin'
and a-bellyachin'

About how you don't like
your new captain.

And to that,
I just got one thing
to say.

You don't like me, fine.

Watch anime.

Yay!

Y'all ready for this?

♪ Ba da da bup bup bup
whoo ♪