01x13 - Swimming in Oblivion

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
You'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab
At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Madre mía!

The reactor's been hit!

Agh! Radiation leak!

Aah!

I'm sealing it off!

Good God, man.

You just wasted the lives

of 20 good men.

Sí, capitán.

Twenty lives to save 200.

Those are odds I can live with.

How dare you gamble...

gamble with... with...

[WHISPERS]
With their souls.

[WHISPERS]
Their what?

I... I can
barely hear you.

MAN: Cut!

Okay, people,

this is not a break,
so don't go anywhere.

Do you even read the scripts?

Hal. Why?

Oh, this line's all wrong.

I think we need...

Don't think, Hal.

Erik, once again, terrific.

Okay, baby.

How're you feeling?
You hot?

No, no.

You're hot.
No, I...

Somebody get
Mr. Estrada

a spring water.

MAN: Coming!

You gotta hydrate,
Erik. It's key.

All right, baby.

Hal.
Yeah.

Why?
It's just...

You know, this line.

Why would Murphy take orders
from Marco?

I'm getting...

[HUMS]

It's like there's
a knife in my eye

and you're twisting it, man.

And would Murphy even care

about a bunch of
nuked-out zombies?

Hal.
I mean, come on.

Hal.
What?

Erik, buddy?
Yes, sir.

What can I say?
I'm helpless, man.

I love you.
All right, baby.

Oh, please.

Let's pick it up
at "20 lives," people!

MAN OVER PA:
Places, people!

A.D.:
Rolling.
Speeding.

Torpedo attack, take seven.

Cue lights and siren.

Okay, cue fog.

[FROG CROAKING]

Fog! Fog!

The fog machine, idiot!

a*s.

And...

action!

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]

MILLER:
Less fog!

Less fog, a*s!

Less!

Here we go, from the top.

Sí, capitán.

Twenty lives to save 200.

Those are odds I can live with.

Cut!

That's a break.

I'll be in my trailer.

Damn it, Hal!

Hey, Erik, wait up!

ERIK:
Buzz off, dude.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
Miller!

[NORMAL VOICE]
Why am I a frigging Martian?

Hey, sweet!

Wardrobe got you set up.

And listen, you are
not a Martian.

You're from a super race
of symbiotes.

A little snake lives
in your belly.

Since when?
Well, the writers

were, you know, having trouble
writing for, uh...

urban characters.

Urban, meaning black.

So now he's like
Mr. Spock, but urban,

like, "Get at me, dawg!"

This show sucks.

Here you go, Mr. Butler.

A spear?

Space spear.

Shoots lasers.

Mm-hmm.

Peeow!

STORMY:
Man, all I know is
I'd better be getting points

on these stupid dolls.

My girlfriend's tuition
isn't gonna pay itself.

Look at this crap.

DEBBIE: That's your
action figure?

I'm way better looking
than this.

I can't believe this.
Look at mine!

Does this look right?

You wish.

This show sucks.

The writers absolutely suck.

Have they ever even
talked to a woman?

I mean, when I do get a line,

my character's either pregnant

or having her period
or screwing some...

Don't forget the
gratuitous nudity.

God, I know.

And could this green room

be any hotter?

So, uh, you want to have sex?

Yeah.

Man, this show
totally blows butt.

Yeah.

That Debbie chick
is, like, mad hot!

Sick hot, dude!

Let's go get some pills
from Mom.

I'm gonna eat the hell
out of some pills!

[GRUNTS]

Where's my writer?

Okay, let's...

What are you wearing?

It's pretty tough,
don't you think?

Where's Erik?
Well, probably

in his trailer.

You know,
I don't have a trailer.

I don't even have a chair.
Hal...

But what I want is a trailer...

Hal...

In which to put my chair.

What I want is to make
the most adrenaline-pumping,

fogged-up,
smoked-out action sequence

since Hooper,

so just do the scene.

Yeah, I know,

but it just doesn't
make any sense.

Oh, you know what
doesn't make sense,

actually, is, um, you,

because, like, I had you written

as 30-ish and handsome.

Please tell the writer

not to address the talent.

What talent?
Oh, you.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, yeah, cute.

Where's all this going,
Adam Reed,

writer of Sealab 2021?

God.

Torpedo attack,

then the alien cavemen
kidnap Debbie,

then they go back in time

and join McHale's Navy.

Love.

And then Sealab
blows up. Somehow.

Oh, yeah. Another
punch-out ending?

Oh, God. No!

We pull out at the last shot

to reveal a snow globe
with Sealab inside.

What?!

And that is the end.

It's layers upon layers, Hal.

It's awesome.

That's...
That's Citizen Kane, you hack!

Do not call me a hack, okay?

You h*.

I wrote for Carrot Top.

What drew you
to the role of Sparks?

Well, Sparks is just
such a great character.

But I think the main impetus
was...

my gundum told me
to take the part.

g*n...? Uh, "g*n" what?

Gundum.

Uh, he's, uh,
my mentor in Astrotology.

Oh.

Right. Ahem.
The Hollywood cult.

It's not a cult!
It's a religion.

Not according to the IRS.

Oh, there will be
a day of reckoning for you,

nonbeliever!

A totaling of sums
and a snapping of necks!

And you will count yourself
among the damned!

What's it like
working with Estrada?

Never met him.

MILLER: Torpedo attack, take 13!

Sí, capitán!

Twenty lives to save 200.

Those are odds I can live with.

[MONOTONE] How dare you
gamble with their souls?

MILLER: Hal!
What?

That's the line.

Hal...

pretend you're an actor.

Hey!
[LAUGHING]

Shut up.

Okay, that's it.

I'll be in my trailer.

Way to go, Hal.

All right, where are my cavemen?

[GROWLING]

Guys, we're a little behind,

but I need you
to keep that energy up.

[GROWLING]

Do not mess with me.

Somebody go get Erik.

Hello?
Mr. Estrada?

They're ready for you, sir.

Man, I look good in khaki.
Watch out! A drunk driver!

Go get 'em, Ponch!

[HUMS CHiPS THEME]

This is seven-Mary-four.

We're in hot pursuit.

P.A.:
Mr. Estrada?
Hello?

Buzz off, dude.

[DOLPHINS CLICKING]

This is where
my trailer would be,

in this taped area.

Kind of
right here.
Yeah. Hey.

I really need to get these guys
in some water,

Because...
All of this area
inside the tape...

They're dying.
would be
my trailer,

I don't have time
for this, okay?

And this chair with my
name on it will go behind...

Get out of my chair, Hal!
A really costly desk.

What the hell are you wearing?

Murphy's a captain, right?

Taking him in a new direction.

You have five seconds

to be on your mark
and in wardrobe,

or I will personally

climb inside
your abdominal cavity

and make a little house in there
for my dogs to play in.

Oh,

your stupid mutts
get a playhouse,

but I can't even get
a friggin' chair?

k*ll him!
k*ll him!

Get him!

Oh, yeah,

beat the crap out of him!

Damn it, Darlene. What
did I tell you about the pills?

They need them pills

to keep 'em peppy
so's they can work.

I got bills to pay, damn it.

Oh, yeah?

The price of crack go up?

Oh, you don't talk to me
like that.

I'll sue your Hollywood a*s.

Aah!

My bad...

bee-otch.

Thank you, Brett.

Word up, homes.

That "urban" enough for you?

Uh... no diggity.

Okay, people, we get this shot,
it's lunch.

Fajitas. I know you like that.

Fajitas!

Erik,

are you ready?

Wait.

Yes, let's do it.

Hal, you gonna be a buddy?

Oh, what's the point?

Hal!
I don't even
have a chair.

Okay, we get this shot,

I'll give you Adam's chair.

Dude!

Shut up.

Hal, are we deal buddies?

No punch-out ending?
I mean, like that

giant space-baby crap
we did last week?

[STAMPING FEET]
Stop twisting the knife!

Can I have a second with Al?

My name is Hal.

Yeah.
Whatever.

Al... Hal...

It's not about the chairs.

Yeah, but...

Look at that chair, Hal.

Huh?

Look at that chair.

Now look at me.

Now, quick, look
at the chair again!

Now, how did those
fajitas get there?

I'll tell you how.

Movie magic.

And we're lucky enough
to be part of it

because we're actors.

We're not chairs.

We're not fajitas.

We, sir, are actors.

Oh, my God.
That's it.

I... I see it now.

I love you, Erik.

Yeah. Whatever.

And... action!

All right, let's try this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sí, capitán!

Twenty lives to save 200.

Those are odds I can live with.

How dare you gamble
with their souls?

MAN:
Roll out!

MILLER:
Damn it! Damn it!
Damn, damn, damn!

Honey?

Honey, wake up.

You won't believe

the dream I just had.

Oh, all right, Hal.

What is it?

I was an actor

or a captain or something,

but underwater, uh...

I'm happy for you.
Good night.

Nothing made sense
in this place.

I... I mean,

Erik Estrada was there and...

Hal?

I want a divorce.

I'm sorry?

So am I, Hal,

but I don't love you anymore.

This isn't very funny.

No. No,
it's not.

Some things...

just aren't funny.

That Sealab show is funny.

Only sometimes.