01x04 - Chickmate

[bunniefuu]

[HEART BEATING]

[BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING]

[CLOCK TICKING FASTER]

[ALARM RINGING]

I gotta have a baby.

I gotta have a baby.
I gotta have a baby!

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
Where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab
At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

[BABY CRIES]

TEACHER DEBBIE:
Okay.

Now, hush, my little babies.

It's time to learn.

Now...

Can anyone tell me
what the Internet was,

and how it almost
destroyed mankind

in the year 2007?

DEBBIE: I am
a fertile goddess!

What in the Sam Hell?

And I must have a baby!

Lord. Her clock went off.

That sweet girl's
about to embark

on a magical journey.

Most powerful thing in the world

is the love of a woman
for a child.

[CLICKING LIKE A DOLPHIN]

Listen, fatty.

I told you once,

you can either hold it,

or you can just pee
in that wet suit.

DEBBIE: A baby.

What was I thinking?

I'm a marine biologist.

I study ocean life.

Like this little guy.

You're my little baby.

My cute little...

Oh! Oh, my baby!

My baby. My baby!

Oh, yeah, no.
Snowboarding.

I'm, well, I'm going
Saturday again.

DEBBIE: Help!
Somebody save my baby!

Come on!

QUINN:
Debbie, what's wrong?

You've gotta save
my little baby.

[CLICKING]

STORMY: From what?
Having fun?

Yeah, let him play.
He's splashing nicely.

It's cute.

Why is it people
who don't have kids

are always telling
people with kids

how to raise...?

Kids?

Debbie, are you okay?

If you're not gonna help,

get out of the way.

I've got a million things to do.

Find a good preschool, and...

Oh, my God! Vaccinations.

No!

[SCREAM ECHOES]

Yeah, so then

the other Debbie
just freaked out

and ran down the hall,

yelling about babies.

Well, a woman's natural urges

can be mighty powerful, honey.

Oh, yeah, you said
a mouthful there, Debbie.

So, um...
how you been?

Actually, I've been a little
under the weather.

Sounds like you need
a shot of Vitamin "M."

You know, I think I might.

It's a pretty big needle.

I get it.

Come on in, honey.

This doctor makes house calls.

I get it.

Oh, you gonna get it.

Would you just get in here?

Oh, I'm gonna get in there.

All right, already!

Well...

Debbie thinks

this is all about
her biological clock,

and I...

She stopped screaming
long enough to tell you that?

Huh?
No, no, no, no.

No, the other Debbie.
Debbie the teacher.

Oh, you mean...
[WHISPERS] "Black Debbie."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why is she "Black Debbie"?

No, not in a bad way.

It's just to tell them apart,
because she's...

[WHISPERS]
black.

Well, why don't you

call her Debbie,

and the other one
[WHISPERS] "White Debbie"?

"White Debbie"?

That's stupid.

I know she's white.

MARCO: So why do you
call the other Debbie

"Black Debbie"?

You know she's black.

Hey, first off,

I really don't think
we should be

talking about this in front of
[WHISPERS] Dr. Quinn.

Listen, man.

You're missing the point.

What if everybody went around
calling you "White Stormy"?

You mean there's a black Stormy?

No.

Okay, people. Listen up.

Mother Nature has spoken,

and I want to have a baby.

Now, I don't have a lot of time,

so one of you is gonna be
the lucky father.

Sweet.

Screening process starts
tomorrow, bright and early.

[DOLPHIN CLICKING]

[ELEVATOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Now, was that the white Debbie
or the, uh, black Debbie?

Now, Captain Murphy.
Hi.

Hi.

Now, sir, why do you think

I should choose you
to father my baby?

Huh?

Well, I mean, I thought

that you were going to, uh,

well, I mean, adopt one of us.

What?
Mm-hmm.

Captain, I want
one of you to impregnate me.

Okay.

Uh... [WHISPERING]

Mm-hmm.

The man...

Yeah.

The lady...

Sure.

Baby.

Well, as long as the baby

doesn't touch my 'stache.

Your what?

Mustache.

DEBBIE: Next.

I've decided to let my tape
do the talking.

Oh, this ought to be great.

Hello, ladies.

Stormy Waters at your service.

But who is Stormy Waters?

HESH: Hey!

Hesh wants some sex.

Hesh, get off.
My tape's playing.

Shut up.

Debbie, get down here.
Give Hesh some sex.

Hesh, this isn't funny.

Be real funny
when I crack you with a pipe.

Okay, I'm coming down there.
Shut up!

Well, now, Hesh...

Shut up!

Um... okay.

Why do you think
you would make a good father?

Um...

Give me a second.

Uh...

Sex.

Okay, Debbie.

Forget about Hesh.

Okay.

I've got something for you.

What is it?

A book.

What's the book?

A Modest Proposal.

By whom?

Jonathan Swift.

And what is the book about?

Eating babies.

Stupid Hesh.

I'll show him what a pipe is.

Where is the reactor room?

Hey, Stormy.

Hey, Bla... Debbie.

Hey, do you like rap?

Now, what in the hell...

is that supposed to mean?

Like veal...

Only babies.

What?!

And I'm talking
real baby-back ribs.

[DEBBIE GROANS]

See, it all comes...

down to the fact
that you all have

far more fast-twitch
muscle fiber.

Stormy Waters,

I have heard some
dumb theories in my time,

but this is, without a doubt...

the foulest thing
I have ever heard.

R-r-r-ribs!
Dripping with sauce.

That's disgusting!

Falling off the bone!

You sick b*stard!

Well, just trying
to help out a single mom.

I am surrounded by freaks.

Man, don't go out there.

[DEBBIE
SHOUTING]

That black chick is crazy.

The only way this could possibly
get any worse...

The doctor is in.

Is that.

[PANTS UNZIPPING]

Oh, my God.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I got this one...

Ew.

I call this "the Latin-ator."

Ugh.

Yeah, nice "bacne."

Well, what do you think, chica?

If I ever want
a steroid-freak baby,

I'll call you.

Yeah, well he better keep
his flippers off my 'stache.

TEACHER DEBBIE: What
the heck is wrong with you?

Not so fast, Marco.

Debbie, last night
I put on some Al Green,

and I wrote a 200-page thesis

detailing my superior
paternal qualifications.

Two-hundred pages?

You like that, don't you, baby?

Oh, yeah...
Yeah.

Then I went to the lab,

ran a complete genome series...

Uh-huh...

Double-encoded DNA scan.
Oh...

You like that?
Oh, yeah, doctor.

Yes. Yes!

God, I love your brain.
It's so big!

Stop that!

Yeah, baby!

Mommy, don't talk like that.

Get away from my mommy.

Whoa...
That was intense.

Glad I'm wearing a wet suit.

What makes Dr. Quinn so great?

Smart men are just...
really sexy.

I'm as smart as him.

What?

I got PhDs

in four scientific disciplines.

Really?

Why do you think
they call me Dr. Quinn?

Oh, I just thought
that was a nickname.

You know,
like "Dr. Dre."

♪ East Side ♪♪

[DOLPHIN CHIRPS]

God, you're stupid.

Hey, shut your hatch.

You shut your hatch!

Stormy, you crybaby.
CAPTAIN: Stop.

You're scaring Mommy.
QUINN: You big dope.

[ALL ARGUING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Ricky Ricardo wannabe.

Yeah, yeah, you bring it to me.

I just want some sex!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Shut up.

Ah-ha!

What was I thinking?

Look at you.

To think I was actually

gonna let one of you
father my baby?

Ha! I could carve
a better father

out of a mango.

Who needs a baby?

I've got five full-grown babies
right here.

So you can all just forget it!

Man, what a day.

I wonder what the space baby
thinks about all this.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Mmm, nope. I got nothing.

Do you want the mustache
on or off?

Off, please.

Too bad.